Cubs Preview- 3/17/08

Sorry for the delay over the weekend, but I am home on spring break with the girlfriend and she kept me away from the computer, but at least I used the time off to convert her from the dangerous waters of Red Sox fandom and have educated her enough that she can name the Cubs starting lineup and rotation. So I've got that going for me. Anywho, on with the previews, of which I must do three..

Roster Spot 16- P- Jason Marquis #21

Ht:6'1'' Wt: 210 Bats: Left Throws: Right

If its May, that's a strike. If it's August, Duck.

For Jason Marquis' entry, I've decided to a pro/con on why you should like/hate Jason

Pro: Jason won 12 games last year.

Con: Had a 5.73 ERA after the All-Star Game last season.

Pro: When I made it to Wrigley last season for the only game I saw live, Jason pitched and hit a home run against the White Sox.

Con: In that game Jason gave up 5 runs and got a no decision after being bailed out by Derrek Lee's grand slam.

Pro: Jason has pitched well this spring with an ERA of 2.00 in 3 starts.

Con: Jason has shown disdain for the idea of a competition for a rotation spot and said early in spring training that if he did not win a spot he would like to be traded.

Pro: Lowered his ERA by nearly a 1 1/2 runs from 2006 to 2007.

Con: 2006 ERA was 6.02.

Pro: Has an impressive (for a pitcher) .224 batting average.

Con: Hit just .151 last year.

Pro: Could be traded for Brian Roberts

Con: Has not been traded for Brian Roberts yet.

Cubs Preview 3/14/08

Roster Spot 17- P- Ryan Dempster #46
Ht: 6'2'' Wt: 215 Bats: Right Throws: Right


Sigh.

I knew I'd eventually have to do the Dempster article, and I'd have to face the two polar opposites of Cubs fans regarding Dempster:

1) He's a complete and total abomination of a pitcher who only made it as a closer for three seasons due to luck, he's not funny at all and should never do a Harry Caray impersonation ever again, he sucked as a starter the first time around and shouldn't be tried again, and he should be shot.

2) He's a great closer who just shouldn't be used in non-save situations, he converted a higher percentage of his saves last year than Mariano Rivera, he's fan friendly, and he is hysterical, I love his impersonation of Harry Caray.

The simple fact is, I don't like Dempster. Even in '05, when he had a good era and went 33 of 35 in saves, I never trusted him. I didn't feel confident with him at any point last year. But I don't hate him. He was a serviceable stop-gap closer between the time Joe Borowski's arm and LaTroy Hawkin's brain exploded, and Kerry Wood/Carlos Marmol being ready to take over the job. I think even if the Cubs weren't trying to make him a starter he'd have already been replaced as a closer, not so much for being ineffective but for not being Marmol or Wood. What all Cubs fans seem to agree upon is that Dempster should NOT be made into a starter again. It's pretty easy to see why when one look at his stats as a starter:

162 games started (what a coincidence), 988.2 innings pitched, 6.1 innings per start, 51-58, 4.99 ERA, 809 strikeouts, 517 walks, 1.56 WHIP.

In his 6 games as a starter for the Cubs in 2005: 33.2 innings pitched, 5.5 innings per start, 1-3, 5.34 ERA, 36 strikeouts, 22 walks, 1.77 WHIP.

So really, umm, those numbers suck. The Cubs seemed determined as hell to keep Jason Marquis and Sean Marshall from locking up rotation spots when Jason had an ERA that was a 1/3 of a run better last year than Dempster's career ERA, and Sean's was over a full run lower. Why they seem so determined on giving Ryan a chance to give up runs in the early innings rather than the 9th I don't know. Maybe they're thinking that they'll have the second coming of John Smoltz and he'll be able to be a better starter after a stint as a closer than he was before. Except Smoltz was a damn good starter the first time, a damn good closer, and an even better starter after. Dempster was a mediocre at best starter, then a mediocre at best closer, and most likely a mediocre at best starter again. Sure, Ryan has the talent. His fastball is good, his slider can be devastating when working, but with his high number of walks and his high WHIP he just doesn't make sense in the starting or closing roles. Make him a long reliever and maybe everyone's happy. Or trade him. I don't know.

The Cubs point to Ryan's spring numbers as hope that he'll prove an effective back of the rotation starter, as he's gone 2-0 with a 3.00 era in 3 starts this spring. Cub fans might as wel latch on to this hope as well, because its looking like he's gonna be there that first week of April.

Sigh.

Roster Spot 18- CF- Felix Pie #20
Ht: 6'2'' Wt: 170 Bats: Left Throws:Left

Oy...my balls

For today's preview of the Cubs top position player prospect and current front runner for the center field starting job, I decided to interview Felix Pie himself.

Code Red: So, Felix, tell me why you merit the starting job over Sam Fuld or a trade acquisition, say, Coco Crisp?

Felix: Mang, have you ever seen Sam Fuld hit a ball? No, you ain't. I'm hittin .329 this spring with two homers.

Code Red: But last year in the majors you only managed a .215 average with a .271 obp.

Felix: Yeah, and Sam managed a .000. Woop ti fucking do. And Coco Crisp? That guy hit .268 and struck out 85 times with a mediocre .330 obp, better than my numbers, yeah, but this team needs another right-handed hacker like I need another twisted testicle.

Code Red: So you feel you deserve the starting job in center?

Felix: Yeah, I mean I'm a top prospect, I've spent four full years in the minors, hit well at every level, and have played well this spring. Oh, and I ALMOST LOST A F&%KING TESTICLE FOR THIS TEAM! Come on! Did you Hear the description of what I had to have done? "The surgery involves sewing the outer layer of the testicle to the scrotum wall. The Cubs said it was a minor procedure, and if the problem was not corrected soon, Pie would risk losing the testicle."Mother fucking SEWING my nut. SEWING! I got my nuts sewed for this team! I mean shit, what would you do if Grandma came in with her knitting needles and told you you could play major league centerfield, but she had to weave your boys into a scrotum quilt! I did that for this team! and they called that a minor procedure? Are they calling the risk of me losing my sack a minor risk or are they just saying my boys are minor, because neither's true damnit.

Code Red: Ok I can see this is a "teste" subject for you..

Felix: Oh, you're fucking hilarious man, yeah, you're great. Man, fuck you.

Code Red: So how do you respond to those people who say that with your strikeouts and low obp and the fact that you wear the same number that you're really just the second coming of Corey, I'm sorry, Korey Patterson.

Felix: Corey Patterson? That bitch? Man I am leagues ahead of that guy. Literally, leagues, as in AA and AAA. Corey played 2 1/2 season in the minors and didn't hit above .261 after A-Ball, then got shot ahead to the majors. I've spent almost 6 full season in the minors and I never hit below .283 at any level, and had a .300 career average. My obp in the minors? .355.

Corey's? .334. Last year in the majors I had a 3:1 strikeout to walk ratio as a rookie. Corey's rookie year? 5.5:1 and his career for a whole is 4.6:1. Alright, yeah, I had a little trouble hitting as a rookie, but man give me a fucking chance.

Code Red: Well you certainly make a compelling argument for the starting job Felix. How do you feel about Ronny Cedeno taking some innings in center field this spring to possibly be your backup?

Felix: Cedeno? Ronny Cedeno? Christ, that guy's so retarded I saw him sniffing his jock the other day and sticking his tongue in there out of curiosity. I'd send him to Baltimore even if they don't send Roberts back.

Code Red: Felix, you have my vote.

Felix: Thanks, mang.

The "Draft Mendenhall Damnit" Bears draft choice at #14 of the day.

Today, Brian Brohm ofLouisville:



The popular belief (and by popular I mean Mel Kiper's belief) is that the Bears will draft the Brohma Bull in the second round, but that's asking a lot considering that would mean the draft would go through 44 picks without a second QB selected, and there are several dangerous (in the draft) teams who might go after this guy before the Bear's second pick; Baltimore/Miami depending on which decides to grab Matt Ryan and the pack of Kansas City/NYJets/St. Louis who might see a tremendous value pick in Brohm by the time the second round rolls on by.

Thusly, the Bears might see fit to draft the guy right up front in the first round, but the possibilities of this are extremely low. The Bears re-signed the Cannon and the Neckbeard for a reason and they aren't looking to spend their top pick on another QB. If Brohm sticks around until the Bears second pick, expect him to be a Bear. If not, expect Andre Woodson in the 4th or 5th round.

Cubs Preview 3/12/08

Roster Spot 19- P-Scott Eyre #47
Ht:6'1'' Wt: 215 (oh come on) Bats: Left Throws: Left

Hefty man

I know what you're thinking, "please don't be so lame as to use the 'Scott Eyre' has ADHD so thats why he had such a different first and second half last season last year, he had trouble paying attention LOL' joke!" Well, I'm not. Personally I blame Scott Eyre's bad first half on being a fat, lazy, mediocre reliever. His blistering hot second half? Well, still fat, but after seeing the fate of Will Ohman and fearing losing his job to the wrath of Lou Piniella, a lot less lazy and more effective. Eyre's stats for 2007:

First Half: 27 games, 30 innings pitched, 0-1, 6.60 era.

Second Half: 28 games, 22.1 inn., 2-0, 0.81 era.

Total: 52 games, 52.1 inn., 2-1, 4.13 era.

Pretty much anyone who watched the Cubs last year saw the disaster that was Scott Eyre when he would waddle from the bullpen to the mound with his gasoline can in his hands, determined to set fire to the whole situation. This was no more evident than on April 18 when he gave up 3 runs in only 2/3 of an inning and the Cubs lost the game against the Atlanta Braves 8-6. Everytime he made his way into the game Cub fans either held their breath or screamed "oh fuck no, its Scott Eyre!"

Then, post all-star break Eyre responded by being nearly untouchable, giving up all of 2 runs in his 28 appearances, finishing the season with a 19 game scoreless appearance streak.

So who will we see in 2008? First half tubby or second half tubby? Well his spring numbers indicate the former, as he's 0-1 with a 9.82 era in four games. But spring numbers are always circumspect, as I doubt Derrek Lee will hit .143 this season, and really they only are taken in to account for guys battling for a roster spot. Scott's spot, unfortunately, is guaranteed so we'll have to wait and see. My guess is we can expect Scott to be neither the fiasco of April-June or the stud of July-October, but more of a consistently mediocre guy with an era hovering in the 3.50-4.50 range all year.

Cubs Preview #2- 3/11/08

Roster Spot 20- C- Henry "Hank White" Blanco #24
Ht:5'11'' Wt: "220" (bullsh*t) Bats: Right Throws: Right

Such grace..such poise..

To have been a Cubs fan since the 2005 season is to have witnessed the rise of one of baseball's greatest heroes. Henry "Hank White" Blanco is more than just a ballplayer. Hank is hope in human form. When we see his mulleted head, his tribal arm tattoos, and his wispy goatee kneeling down behind the plate, we know that we have a damn good, if not guaranteed, chance to win that ball game. From the moment of Hank's arrival, he has inspired his own fervently devoted group of Cub followers, the Hank White Fan Club. (http://hankwhitefanclub.wordpress.com/)

While that group, with its hallmarks such as the Hank White Equivalent Batting Average, and the Hank-o-Meter can give far better justice to our warrior, I shall do my best.

But if Hank is this team's greatest player, you ask, how can he not even be the starter at catcher? Hank's rare combination of good looks, powerful throwing arm, and poise at the plate cannot be unleashed every day. No, he must be reserved for the situation that is truly his calling: Carlos Zambrano.

Except on opening day, whenever Carlos strides the mound this year you'll most likely see Hank walking out to home plate. Together they are the Cubs unbeatable Latin Gladiator duo. If Carlos is indeed El Torro, or The Bull, as he has named himself (and everyone else fell in line in sheer terror), then Hank is The Matador, for only he can truly tame Carlos. Many would say that the rise in Carlos' era and losses last year can be attributed to his contract situation, I attest it solely to the fact that Hank spent most of the campaign on the DL and played in only 22 games. In 2005 and 2006, with Hank as his near-fulltime catcher, Carlos was 14-6 and 16-7 with era's of 3.26 and 3.41. In 2007, with Hank on the DL and Carlos left at the mercy of the Michael Barrett/Jason Kendall/Koyie Hill/Rob Bowen four-headed catching blunder, Carlos finished 18-13 with a 3.95 era.

But besides statistics, which can be manipulated by anyone to suit any purpose and 35% of people know that, Hank has one true talent for managing Carlos: Balls. I remember a game in 2005 in which Carlos was struggling to throw a strike. I mean couldn't find the strike zone with GPS. Hank responded by coming out from behind the plate, meeting with Carlos, exchanging a few words, and going back. Carlos struck out the next batter, ended the inning, was calm throughout and the Cubs won the game. What were Blanco's secret words of wisdom? Zambrano went on record as saying, quote, "Henry said he would slap me if I didn't throw a strike". The power to instill fear in the Bull himself. The power of Hank White. A power notably lacking in a certain former Cubs catcher who found himself paired up with Carlos last year, resulting in this:

Another power of Hank's not shared by most other Cub catchers include the ability to throw out baserunners. In his career Hank has thrown out nearly 43% of all attempted base stealers, well above the major league average of 27%.

Thus we come to the conclusion that Hank White=Baseball God. But why no start? Well, Hank is a weary man, who has come to the conclusion that he must extend his greatness beyond the baseball world soon, and has graciously decided to stay along with the Cubs long enough to train their current starter and his apprentice, Geovany Soto. I mean seriously, is there any better mentor for this guy:

Than this guy:

Viva Hank White!

UFC Time with Iggins!: Anderson Silva edition.

Well, Kratos finally got fed up with mortals and left to stay somewhere up on Mount Olympus. He was muttering something about Anderson Silva. In any case, I'll be bringing you MMA knowledge from now on so let's get it started:

• Speaking of Anderson "The Spider" Silva, apparently he wants to fight Roy Jones Jr. Roy has been the one megastar of the boxing world who has actually praised the UFC, and he has many times expressed interest in fighting in mixed martial arts, namely the UFC. In a strange reversal, the Spider actually wants to box Roy, in a boxing ring. For anyone who can't remember what such things look like, a boxing ring is disappointingly square. Anderson's reasons for wishing to box Roy are that he feels mixed martial artists often get dissed by boxers for not being "technical" enough, and the Spider wishes to dispel that feeling. Methinks maybe he could.

• Keeping with the special subject for today, I've heard a lot of argument about what Silva said after he beat Hendo, commending Dan Henderson but saying that, ultimately, Rich "Ace" Franklin was the superior fighter. I'm on Silva's side here: yes, during the two fights Silva has had with Ace the Spider has dominated, and during the Hendo fight Silva actually lost the first round. But if you rewatch these fights it's clear that Ace has a far superior stand-up game to Hendo, and that the Spider expected his match with Hendo to be a stand-up battle. When Silva got taken down and had his mouth and nose covered up by Hendo, obviously Henderson lost a lot of points in Silva's mind. When Silva fights, he likes to put on as much of a show for the crowd as he can, and having Henderson attempt to cover his breathing holes while laying on him for the better part of the first round visibly angered the Spider, and when the second round started he threw his proverbial gloves off and completely dominated Hendo. Hey, why not put together an Ace vs. Hendo match to settle this for real? It's not like putting anyone versus Silva is going to be an interesting fight (beyond the intense schaudenfreude).
  

• In short, I'm predicting that Roy Jones will be entering the octagon this year, more than likely at middleweight because there is simply nobody else who can fight the Spider. I would bet money that exactly when Roy gets his first fight will depend heavily on whether Brock Lesnar beats Mark Coleman at UFC 87. If Lesnar proves to be a mere novelty then Dana White (President of the UFC) will need a new big name to draw in new fans.
  

Cubs Preview 3/11/08

Roster Spot 21- P- Jon Lieber #32

Ht:6'22'' Wt:240 Bats: Left Throws: Right

Jon Lieber circa 2001: Age 6 years to ferment mediocrity

If you're like me, when you heard in January that the Cubs were bringing back their one time ace for a second go-round, you couldn't help but go back in time to the summer of 2001, when Don Baylor was manager, Sosa was in his prime and still adored, Ricky Gutierrez was second on the team in rbis, Fred McGriff was supposed to be our savior and sucked balls, and Matt Stairs brought hope to the chubby masses. In that year, Jon Lieber was as good as it gets and lead the National League in games started and innings pitched, with a 20 win campaign and an All Star invite. Jon's line for the season?


34 games, 34 games started, 232.3 innings pitched, 20-6, 3.80 era.


Which was the third season in a row in which Jon posted 200+ innings and had double digit wins, and the first in which he became a true major league ace.


Those 2001 Cubs came so close, contending for a playoff spot until the last week of the season before wilting and finishing a respectable 88-74, and with Lieber and the then healthy Kerry Wood as the bedrocks of their staff, the Cubs looked forward to contending in 2002.


But, as always happens with the Cubs, the wheels fell off for both the team and Lieber. With the Cubs falling to 65-97, Jon struggled to a 6-8 record through his first 21 starts of the year before blowing out his elbow.

After having Tommy John surgery to repair the elbow, Lieber spurned the Cubs contract offer and signed a two year deal with the Yankees and spent the 2003 season recuperating before leading the Yankees in wins with 14 in 2004. Lieber then bounced to the Philadelphia Phillies where he did even better by posting a 17 win season and looked to be the same pitcher of 2001. Then in 2006 Lieber fell to 9-11, and entered the 2007 fighting to keep his spot in the Phillies rotation, failed, and was sent to the bullpen. After managing to land in the rotation once more due to injuries to several other members of the rotation, Lieber went a mediocre 3-6 with a 4.73 era before ending his season prematurely with a torn ankle ligament, and was released by the Phillies in October.


So, twice stricken with season-ending injuries and coming off of the least productive season of his career, Jon rejoined the team where he enjoyed his greatest success, and once more finds himself fighting for a rotation spot. Due to the recent strong outings by Ryan Dempster and Marquis, Lieber is more than likely going to find himself in the bullpen when the season starts.
Once the ace, now the sixth best starting option. Its not entirely stupid to wish for the old Lieber again, and to think that he's still only 2 seasons removed from a 17 win campaign. But 2001 is gone, Sosa is retired, and reality is reality, and that reality is that this is not the Jon Lieber we knew.

Cubs Preview #2 3/10/08

I have to do two of these today and tomorrow each to get caught up in the "one each day till opening day" groove because weekends tend to keep my away from the computer. So onto..

Roster Spot #22- P- Michael Wuertz #43
Ht: 6'3'' Wt:205 Bats: Right Throws:Right

I remember your rookie year, Michael, you were no star

Michael Wuertz is now in what will be his fourth year in his semi-permanent position as the Cubs right handed specialist/slider specialist/6th inning guy. Wuertz is also still in his semi-permanent position as the least interesting personality on the team (though Rich Hill tries). Wuertz first came up with the Cubs in 2004 as a rookie, and was promptly cast in to the fire by Dusty Baker, who was desperate to shed his "doesn't play young guys" label. Wuertz responded by giving up 13 runs in his first 20 games (17 innings) to wind up with a first half era of 6.75 era. Wuertz did redeem himself in the second half, however, finally managing to get his devastating slider to work at the major league level. Wuertz' numbers since the 2004 second half show the drastic change from rookie schlup to bullpen fixture:

2004 (2nd half): 11 games, 11 innings, 1-0, 0.77 era.

2005: 75 games, 75.7 innings, 6-2, 3.81 era.

2006: 41 games, 40.7 innings, 3-1, 2.66 era.

2007:73 games, 72.3 innings, 2-3, 3.48 era.

As you can tell from these numbers, especially the amazing correlation between apperances and innings pitched, when he enters the game Michael usually is a one-inning-only effective middle reliever. So why do Cubs fans fail to embrace him?

Because he looks like this:

Yeeesh.

Cubs Preview 3/10/08

Roster Spot #23- SS-Ronny Cedeno #5
Ht: 6'0'' Wgt:180 Bats: Right Throws: Right

Seriously..I have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to do

Alright, I'm going to be honest with you people. I originally said I was going to rank these backwards from worst to first, but really, I can't defend a stance that says Cedeno is actually better than two other baseball players on this roster. Or Anywhere. But, for whatever reason the Cubs organization still has a boner for this guy (unless we trade him for Roberts? Eh? Eh?), so he'll make the roster. Cedeno has had a fairly interesting rise out of nowhere and rapid fall from grace as a Chicago Cub. In 2005, we all heard about this amazing rookie shortstop who was tearing it up for the Iowa Cubs at a .355 avg, .403 obp, 6 hr, 48 rbi pace. At that time, the Cubs shorstop was Nomar Garciaparra so..oh...right, Nomar wasn't playing. Why was that again?

Oy, that'll do it.

After Nomar tore his laddies off trying to run out a double play, the Cubs were forced to look for options at shorstop. Neifi Perez got the first crack at the job, and rather than vent my rage toward Neifi, which would take many, many more articles, I'll just skip past his putrid numbers and discuss what happened as Neifi hit his .259, .229, .233 May, June, and July slump (or career average, whatever) and the fans began to clamor for his replacement, the young star rocking the Pacific Coast League (has anyone EVER explained why the IOWA Cubs are in the PACIFIC COAST League?). Cedeno was finally called up and tantalized the Cubs while pissing off Dusty Baker for being too young and possibly talented to be worthy of the love that Dusty bestowed upon Neifi, which lead to Neifi still playing in 154 (!) games to Ronny's 40.

Ronny's 2005: 40 games, 80 at bats, .300 avg, .356 obp, .375 slugging. 1 hr, 6 rbi.

In spring 2006 Ronny was given the starting job over Neifi by Dusty (with a lot, lot, lot of pressure from the Cubs front office no doubt) and Cubs fans had high hopes for their first legitimate shortstop since Shawon Dunston. Yes, all of our shorstops up until Ryan Theriot have sucked so badly that Shawon Dunston now looks like an actually major league ballplayer in retrospect. If you read that sentence without painful memories, you, sir, are most likely an alcoholic.

The 2006 season, as all Cub fans remember, turned into a shit fucking disaster after Derrek Lee went down in the team's 14th game and the Cubs floundered to 66-96, fired Dusty (there is good in all darkness, my sons) and Cedeno did his part to contribute to the world of suck. Cedeno's numbers in his first full season are as follows:

151 games, 534 at bats, .245 average, .271 obp, .339 slugging, 6 hrs, 41 rbi.

Cedeno was an atrocious hitter, with a lack of patience that resulted in 109 strikeouts vs only 17 walks. 17! But at least he was a good defensive shorstop?

Actually.... no. Cedeno managed to suck so badly at shorstop in making 23 errors that he was moved to second base, where he still managed to make 2 more errors, wrapping up with a solid 25 errors. For comparison, Ryan Theriot, considered to be an average quality fielding shorstop made only 11 errors last year playing shorstop, third, and second base.

By 2007 the idea of Cedeno starting was laughable to everyone in the Cubs organization, especially under new, no-nonsense (read: not an idiot. also read: not Dusty Baker) manager Lou Piniella, and yet Cedeno somehow still managed to make the team as the backup shorststop behind Cesar Izturis (forget about Cesar? you lucky bastard). After Cesar proved himself just as inept as Ronny and Lou skipped over Cedeno in the shorstop rotation and made Theriot the starter, Cesar found himself in Pittsburgh and Ronny found himself back in Iowa. Cedeno made a brief appearnce back with the club during the second half, playing the key roles of "live body" and "guy who runs for Daryle Ward".

Ronny's 2007:
38 games, 74 at bats, .203 avg., .231 obp, .392 slugging, 4 hrs, 13 rbis.

So you're probably wondering why he's still on the team for what looks to be a fourth consecutive season. Maybe, you say, he can run well and steal a few bases for a team that tends to lack speed outside of Soriano, Pie, Theriot, and hopefully Fukudome?

Well, Cedeno has managed to translate the 85 stolen bases of his minor league career into 11 stolen bases in the majors. He's also managed to be caught 9 times. So out of 20 major league steal attempts, Cedeno has been successful only on 55%. That's over half, so good, right? He's at least successful more often than not, even if its only marginal? Well, actually the major league average for stolen base percentage in 2007 was 74%. So Ronny's only 19% below average in that category, a marked improvement over his 100% below in every other.

So now we've established that Cedeno sucks at 1) Hitting 2) Getting on Base 3) Fielding 4) Baserunning

So what's left to prove that Cedeno has no place on a major league roster? His pure, unadulterated stupidity. During a game against the St. Louis Cardinals, with the Cubs down 2-1 in the bottom of the 9th, Cedeno enters the game as a pinch-runner. On a pitch to Jacque Jones, Cedeno tries to steal second base. Jones walks on the pitch, so Cedeno is automatically safe at 2nd, right? Wrong.

Cedeno overslides second base on his phantom steal and manages to get tagged out. On a walk. 2 out, Cubs lose.

So there you have it. Ronny Cedeno is not a major league baseball player. This spring he's hitting a whopping .190 with no homers and 1 rbi, and Lou is trying him in the outfield to give him the ability to suck at three different positions. What, it's not fair to use his spring numbers against him? Derrek Lee is hitting only .143 this spring? Right, well, when Ronny hits .317 with a .400 obp like Derrek did, he can take the spring off too.

I hate you Ronny.

UFC Time with Kratos, God of War

Count yourselves among the lucky pitiful MORTAL FOOLS, for with resurrection of this site, so have I RESURRECTED in order to give you the ONLY OPINION THAT MATTERS about the UFC.

UFC 81 seems long since passed but allow me to gloat that I PREDICTED the third round victory by Minotauro Nogeira. What I DID NOT predict was that fans would CHEER and not JEER Tim Sylvia. Perhaps you PITIFUL creatures finally realized you hate him for NO REASON?

• In the only other match that mattered AT ALL Brock Lesnar beat the SHIT out of Frank Mir, and then FOOLISHLY let Frank grab a hold of his LEG which brought about an INSTANTANEOUS and VERY PAINFUL ankle-lock submission win for Mir. Take my advice, Brock: LEARN SOME DAMNED JUJITSU.

UFC 82 proved, ONCE AGAIN, that the Velociraptor-hurricane-Tony Jaa-Jesus Christ-Man known as ANDERSON SILVA will never be defeated by the likes of you pitiful beings. I have officially named him SECOND IN COMMAND over my army of BALROGS, GORGONS, AND general MALCONTENTS.

look for a post LATER as Kratos gives his picks for UFC 83 and breaks down the rest of the action from UFC 82.

The "This better not be an O-lineman" Bears draft choice at #14 of the day.

Rashard Mendenhall, RB, University of Illinois




For the first possible pick for the Bears at spot #14 we have this talented RB from Illinois, whom I still hate. Sure, the Bears need a quarterback to compete with the failure that is Rex Grossman and the mediocrity of Kyle Orton, but getting a quarterback in the first round this year is just the same as getting one in the second or third, and settling for the 3rd or even 4th best o-lineman here would just be plain stupidity.

Rashard Mendenhall is 1)Fast, 2)Strong, 3)Elusive, 4)A Human Truck-Stick, 5)A reliable ball-handler, 6)A Mac. Besides McFadden this guy is the best RB in the draft, and the Bears need a running game FAR MORE than they need a passing game. This is my suggested first round pick.

Cubs Preview 3/7/08

Roster Spot #24- Sean Marshall/Kevin Hart
Just like yesterday, I'm not sure which of these two will lock up a spot, maybe even both will so here's another twofer.

P- Sean Marshall #45

Uh..Sean...that's not the mound

Height: 6'7'' Weight:205 Bats: Left Throws: Left

2007: 21 Games, 19 games started, 7-8, 3.97 era, 1.37 whip

I really dont know why the Cubs seem to be so opposed to having Sean in the fifth starter spot. His ERA was better than all three of his competitors, Marquis, Dempster, and Lieber last year and he seems to be a relatively talented young pitcher, who took the majority of starts in the fifth spot after the end of the disaster that was Wade Miller last May, and performed well, especially for an end of the rotation guy. However, the Cubs organization just doesn't trust him, having gone so far as to trade for the rotting corpse of Steve Trachsel (mother fucking Steve Trachsel!) last September to keep Sean from starting key games in September. Not only that, but the entire Cubs organization and its fans seem to have renamed Sean as Trade Bait, as every single trade rumor involving the Cubs has Sean being shucked. Seriously, ask any Cubs fan who knows the roster about a trade they want to see the team make and see how quickly they say "well if we give them Marshall...". They'll say it every time.

P- Kevin Hart #22

Height: 6'4'' Weight: 215

2007: 8 games, 0 starts, 11.0 innings pitched. 0-0, 0.82 era, 1.00 whip.

Kevin was a surprise to the Cubs organization last year, winning its Minor League Pitcher of the Year award and earning a September call up to the big league club, where he posted those solid numbers in a very short sample of games. Hart was impressive enough to make his way onto the postseason roster for the Cubs, but did not make an appearance against the Diamondbacks. Hart is currently competing for one of the bullpen spots, and has so far had a very good spring, having not allowed a run in three games. Chances are he'll make the final cut as a middle reliever.

Chicago Cubs Season Preview 3/6/08

As I mentioned a long, long while ago, I can not wait for baseball season, which holds a lot of promise for our Chicago Cubs this year. In order to properly express my excitement, and to make the days go by till opening day a bit faster, I shall take the remaining 25 baseball-less days to do a one player a day preview of the 2008 Chicago Cubs roster. These will the 25 candidates that are considered most likely to make the roster, pending any sudden cuts, injuries, signings or trades (translation: Please, Baltimore, quit being bastards and make the trade. Give us Brian Roberts).

Another feature of our Cubs coverage this year will be the 1st Annual Matt Stairs Award for Loveable Mediocrity. For those of you who did not watch the 2001 Chicago Cubs, or have weak memories, Matt Stairs was a hefty, .250 hitting 1st baseman whose "hustle" and work ethic endeared him to the Chicago fans, especially when compared to his replacement, the lazy, statue-like, "defense? I don't play no stinkin' defense" bastard Fred McGriff. So in honor of this portly hero:


We have decided to initiate an end of the season award that will be given to the Chicago Cub who meets (but dares not exceed) the standard of mediocre statistics and yet inexplicably winning behavior set by Stairs himself.


The following Qualifications must be met in order to compete for this award:

Position Players:

1. Must appear in over half of the team's games (81).

2. Batting Average must fall in the .250-.280 range, while home runs cannot exceed 20 and RBIs may not exceed 70, as the Matt himself batted .250 with 17 homers and 61 rbis during his campaign with the Cubs.

Pitchers:

1. Must make at least 20 appearances.

2.ERA must be between 4.00 and 4.99

For Everyone:

3. The Cubs record in the player's appearances must be over .500. (Matt in 2001: 71-57)

4. The player cannot have one of the top 10 salaries on the team, as we're not here to reward underachievement by the superstars, but mediocrity by the little guys. (True, Matt himself was #9, but considering that the Cubs payroll was far smaller in those days and Sosa's contract counted for like, 6 of everyone elses, we'll make 10 the bar.)

Based upon the salary factor, the following players are eligible:

Henry (Hank White) Blanco, C
Daryle Ward, 1B/PH
Michael Wuertz, P
Matt Murton, OF
Ronny Cedeno, SS/2B
Rich Hill, P
Ryan Theriot, SS
Sam Fuld, OF
Felix Pie, CF
Kevin Hart, P
Jon Lieber, P
Sean Marshall, P
Billy Petrick, P
Neal Cotts, P
Carmen Pignatiello, P
Geovany Soto, C
Erik Patterson, OF

The list will of course be trimmed after Spring Training to remove those players that do not make the final roster. Standings will be posted at the end of each week, ranking the players based on their performances. The final award will be made after the last game of the regular season.

Now on to the previews themselves, which I will count backwards, 25-1, from the worst player on the roster to the best. Once more, these are my guesses as to who will actually be on the 25 man roster after cuts, so if I miss one or two, who cares, it'll be the shitty players anyways.

Roster Spot #25: Mike Fontenot/Sam Fuld
I'm really not sure which one of these guys will make the final roster, so I'll just do a brief bit on both.

2B-Mike Fontenot#17


Height: 5'8'' Weight: 170 lbs Bats: Left Throws: Left

2007 Stats: .278 avg, 3 hrs, 29 rbis, .336 obp, .402 slg, 5 stolen bases.

Fontenot was acquired in the 2005 trade that Sammy Sosa to the Orioles. He saw actions in a few games that year, spent the 2006 season in the minors, and was called up to the Cubs on May 15 after batting .336 for the AAA Iowa Cubs. During his first month in the majors Fontenot went on a tear, batting .397 with a .422 obp during the month of June. Fontenot hit all 3 of his homers in that month and 25 of his 29 rbis. But that would be the last month of the "good" Fontenot.


Fontenot followed up his blistering June with July, August, September/October averages of .211, .208, .233, with 0 homers and 4 rbis. 4! In three months!

This spring Fontenot has tried to boost his chances of making the team by expanding his range and trying to play shortstop, third base, and the outfield, and is batting .429 with a homer and four rbis.


OF- Sam Fuld #27

Height:5'10'' Weight: 180 Bats: Left Throws: Left

2007 Stats: .000 avg, 0 hrs, o rbis, .333 obp, .000 slug.

Fuld has become a "fan favorite" at Wrigley Field after his brief 14 game stint with the team last September. By "fan favorite" I mean women love him because he's "dreamy" and nonsensical Cubs fans who wouldn't know a stat book if it hit them in the ass love him because he "hustles" and had one amazing catch last year. One. Anyone who really thinks this guy, whose minor league numbers (especially power numbers) are nowhere near as impressive as Felix Pie's and who has ZERO career hits is a better option as the starter in center field represents whats wrong with most Cubs fans. You don't score runs with grit, hustle, or "sticktoitiveness" damnit. These are the same people who defended Alex Gonzalez, Corey Patterson, and Kyle Farnsworth. I hate you all.

Honestly, Compare the numbers:

Fuld (Minors):318 games, .296 avg., 12 hrs, 106 rbis, 52 stolen bases

Pie (Minors):541 games, .300 avg., 51 hrs, 257 rbis,106 stolen bases

Granted, Fuld's minor league stats are nothing to laugh at and he may make a solid leadoff hitter someday. But also so might Pie. A leadoff hitter with more speed (Fuld's only really viable asset) and more power. Even if one projects Fulds stats out to the same number of games played as Pie his numbers dont come close. So please people, quit plugging for Fuld.

Update: The "Seriously, We Did Remember We Had This Thing" Edition

Hello again, from the Start Kyle Orton crew. Really I'm not so sure I really am wholeheartedly devoted to the name of this website, as I'm currently supporting Rex in the QB competition. Which leads to my first comment on a brief round-up of what has happened with the Bears since we left you.

-The Rex re-signing and the Kyle contract extension were both good moves by the Bears. The training camp competition between the two might just be the first Legitimate quarterback contest the Bears have had in years. Personally I favor Rex, as, I believe, does Lovie. Rex is the guy the Bears have had faith in all along, and they really would like this last shot at hoping he'll be healthy/effective will work out. Kyle really is their ideal backup, as he was never meant to replace Rex, but to be a back up with similar attributes and skill sets to Rex's that would allow him to step in in case of a Rex injury and keep the same playbook.

-A better move was ditching Griese. Thank God. Good luck with Gruden, Brian, you shall Not be missed.

- Lance Briggs was a must-have and I'm glad the Bears didn't let him get away. That money was far, far better spent on Briggs than Berrian and its great that Angelo prioritized properly. Oh, and Berrian? Since when is a receiver whose among the league leaders in dropped passes and has never had a 1,000 yd season worth 8 million a year? Fuck you.

-Marty Booker? Really? That was....unexpected. I never really warmed to Marty the first time, despite the numbers he just really didn't seem like a playmaker. We'll see how it goes this time.

- PLEASE GOD DRAFT RASHARD MENDENHALL!

- Oh and Favre is gone. A merciful God has finally granted us this. Tuesday, March 4th shall forever live as a Great Day in Bears History.

.....and that should about catch us up.

Prayer for Baseball

Chicago Bears- 7-9. Season over.

Chicago Bulls- 17-24. Season perplexing at best.

Bradley Braves- 10-10. Season Mediocre.

Iowa Hawkeyes/Illinois Fighting Illini- 9-11. Miserable.

What does that leave us with? Our only possible salvation, still two months away. The longest and most endurance-demanding of seasons for a fan. Baseball. In this Iggins! and I have chosen our team well, for we have the all-mighty.... Chicago Cubs..........fuck.

But seriously, they went to the playoffs last year and this team looks primed for a real, legitimate run this year. A run that starts March 31st. Assuming I can survive these cold, cruel, football-less months. Sometimes I watch Arena Football on ESPN. Its like shaking up the last beer can to hope that you can get enough of a buzz to last you till you have money to get another case. I need baseball. I need fire in my sports life. Fire provided by this man:

And this man:

And whatever the hell this guy provides:

Karate? A zen-like concentration? An awesome chance for me to buy a Cubs t-shirt that says "Fuk U" on the back? I know Iggins! went into a catatonic seizure the day the Cubs signed Fukudome, but that's really just because he wants to be Japanese so badly the if he weren't afraid of needles he'd have dueling samurais tattooed on his ass. Really I think this is a good signing, but one must always be aware that signing Japanese players gives you an equal chance of getting a Hideki Irabu, a Kaz Matsui, or a Shingo Takatsu instead of a Hideki Matsui, an Ichiro Suzuki or a Tadahito Iguchi. You'll note that I mentioned the suckitude of a Kaz Matsui or a Shingo Takatsu above. You'll also note that the Cubs SIGNED Takatsu and considered giving a big contract to Matsui. That ought to tell you to be wary of their Japanese player evaluating skills. But I'm willing to be optimistic on Fukudome. Mostly because I'm a Cubs fan, and thus gullible enough to be optimistic on most things they sell me. Especially this season.

Which can't come fast enough..

UFC Time with Kratos, God of War

Praise be to me, Kratos, GOD OF WAR, mortal, for I have chosen to, in my INFINITE KINDNESS, relate to you my opinions on the GOD-SPORT that is ULTIMATE FIGHTING.

UFC 79 went EXACTLY as I predicted, with Liddell beating the UNHOLY HELL out of Wanderlei "THE PUNCHING BAG" Silva. I was NOT surprised by Liddell's total DOMINATION of that Pride-fighting BITCH, but I WAS impressed by Silva's refusal to FALL. From my estimation he should have died at least THREE times in that ring, but he refused to even drop to ONE KNEE. With that kind of iron chin you would think the little mortal BASTARD could have mounted an OFFENSE, but Liddell quickly squashed any hopes of that. Whoever Liddell's next opponent is (perhaps Lyoto Machida, more on him LATER) had best HIDE under a LARGE ROCK because that man is ON A MISSION to fight RAMPAGE again.

The Undercard (You see how I made Liddell vs. Silva the main event?) also went as I predicted aside from the Sokudjou (more like SokuBITCH) match. St. Pierre absolutely ANNIHILATED Matt "BibleBITCH" Hughes, and even showed incredible CLASS by refusing the title until he pulverized MATT SERRA at UFC 83. I FEAR for Matt Serra like no other mortal being. Georges also showed off an IMMACULATE tan, not only defeating Hughes in the ring, but also in LIFE. Lyoto Machida did what he always does and BORED Sokudjou to death, retaining his undefeated record, and perhaps earning a shot at a top 5 Light Heavyweight in the NEAR FUTURE (Liddell vs. Machida for a shot at Rampage/Griffin?).

UFC 80 held almost NO INTEREST to me, with only ONE match being of any IMPORTANCE, and BJ Penn submitted Joe "Daddy" Stevenson in the 2nd round, making BJ Penn, FINALLY, the lightweight champion. Lightweights interest me about as much as do PUPPIES and HUGS and I CARE for them even LESS, so let's talk about-



UFC 81, which will be held the day before the Super Bowl, has TWO interesting matches, and ONE match THAT DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL. PREDICTIONS!!!:

Tim "The Maine-iac" Sylvia vs. Antonio "Minotauro" Nogueira:
Tim Sylvia has a LONG HISTORY of WINNING and LOSING this title (Won from Ricco Rodriguez, defends against Gan McGee but loses title due to testing positive for 'roids, beat in a match for the vacant title belt by Frank Mir, beat by Andrei Arlovski for the title after Frank Mir crashes his motorcycle (and Frank is just now getting back), beats Andrei Arlovsky to gain title, beats Andrei again, beats Jeff Monson, loses to Randy Couture.) SEE? IT IS LONG. The problem for Sylvia will be the number TWO ranked Heavyweight IN THE WORLD, Minotauro Nogeira. Sylvia fights out of the Quad Cities, Iggins! HOME-TOWN, but that is NOT ENOUGH to give him the nod here: Minotauro by TKO in the third.



Frank "I Wrecked My Bike" Mir vs. Brock "ARGH!" Lesnar:
This fight is absolutely TEEMING with plot-lines. Frank Mir's title run was cut short by the MERCILESS hands of FATE when he wrecked his motorcycle, and now he has a chance, THREE YEARS LATERISH, to get into position to reclaim it by beating Brock Lesnar. If you don't know who Brock Lesnar is, then DO NOT tell me, for I will KILL YOU for your TOTAL LACK of knowledge. Lesnar was a WWE STAR and tried out for the Minnesota Vikings-ahem-BITCHES before training for an eventual MMA career. His career began with a RIDICULOUSLY FAST knockout of a random ASIAN, and Dana White immediately SIGNED HIM UP. Frank Mir is battle-tested, but Brock is the WILDEST of WILD-CARDS, and, due also to his ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE MUSCLES, I will pick Brock Lesnar to win in the first by KO.

Jeremy Horn vs. Nate Marquardt:
This does not matter AT ALL. Neither could beat Anderson Silva. EVER. Marquardt by split decision in the third.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, MORTALS!!

Pot Shot at the Enemy

Father arrested for forcing son to wear Green Bay Packers jersey

PORTAGE, Wis. (AP) -- Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

Mathew Kowald was cited for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident with his son at their home in Pardeeville, Lt. Wayne Smith of the Columbia County Sheriff's Department said. Pardeeville is about 30 miles north of Madison.

The 36-year-old Kowald was arrested Monday after his wife told authorities about the incident. Kowald was taken to the county jail and held until Wednesday, when he pleaded no contest, paid a fine of $186 and was released.

Kowald's wife filed a restraining order Wednesday, so Kowald will not be able to have contact with his family, Smith said. Smith said other domestic issues have surfaced, though he wouldn't elaborate.

The boy refused to wear the jersey Saturday, when the Packers beat the Seattle Seahawks in a playoff game, Smith said. Smith said the incident sounded strange when reported at first, but the mother took pictures with her cell phone and that type of evidence is difficult to dispute.

Kowald, contacted later Wednesday by the Portage Daily Register, said the incident started as a joke. His son challenged him by saying he wouldn't root for the Packers. When he tied the boy up, the youngster was laughing while his wife took pictures, he said.

"Then he couldn't get out and he got upset and that's it. It lasted a minute," he said. "I didn't mean no harm, and he knows that, but I haven't been able to tell him that."

District Attorney Jane Kohlwey said there wasn't enough evidence to support felony charges.

"I wouldn't agree with what he did, but legally a parent can restrain a child," she said. "I have no proof of emotional damage. ... I have to follow the law.

Face it Green Bay fans, whatever happens on the field (especially 2 losses to da Bears), you still lose. As human beings.

I Am No Traitor

All my life I have been loyal to those teams which were the teams of my home state, my native soil. My loyalties in baseball have never once parted from my beloved Cubs. In football I watched the Bears even though my first really memorable experiences as a Bears fan were of Dave Wannstedt, followed by the Jauron era. In basketball, always a sport which has never had any chance of moving above the number 3 slot on my list of favorites, I watched the Bulls during the Jordan era, followed them erratically through the glory days of the Skiles era, and am most likely about to head into another period of complete apathy towards the NBA. Illinois football and basketball have been my college teams all my life as well, not out of any real personal connection to the school, but out of a love my native state. In football, I remember Chris Pazan, Brad Bower, Jon Beutjer, and 1-10. I remember my Kurt Kittner shrine. I remember when Simeon Rice actually played there (a thousand Illini football fans who just found their loyalty this season responded to that with "really, we had Simeon Rice?). In basketball I've followed them through the Lon Kruger years, the terror that was Nick Smith, Frankie Williams lard-ass, Bill Self's defection, and the national title run that ended in a game that I will maintain till my dying breath was plagued by slanted officiating. But no more. I now attend Bradley University. It is in the state of Illinois, thus it is my native soil. Its actually only ten minutes away from my place of birth. It is a division one basketball team with a recent trip to the Sweet Sixteen under its belt. While Bradley has no football team, thus leaving me to remain loyal to the Illini, the existence of its basketball team demands that in all propriety my allegiance belongs to the Braves. This is not me jumping from a sinking ship. Bradley is 8-9, Illinois is 9-9. I am merely choosing my school over one that sits in a distant campus that I will never attend. I will follow Illinois basketball still, at a remove, forever holding them as my number 2, but I am a Bradley Braves follower. They at least have already beaten Iowa, giving me bragging rights over Iggins! As for the Illini, I bid you a fond farewell, and I hope that the road brings you back to glory, which, while I shall enjoy it, will not result in me jumping back and maiming Iggins! with proclamations of "my" teams glory. I am a Bradley Braves fan. There, the word is out. Attack me not with your indignation toward Illini basketball. If you wish to discuss Illini football, I retain the undivided loyalty of the devoted fan, but as for basketball, I am detached, nonchalant, and free.








And Bruce Weber really IS an annoying dick. God, that felt good.

BREAKING NEWS: Illini fans officially switch sports

CHAMPAIGN, IL- Word was confirmed today on a long-held suspicion in the sports industry; fans of University of Illinois sports have officially switched the one sport they pay attention to from basketball to football. Athletic Director Ron Guenther held a press conference in Champaign this morning.

"I had a long, well-thought-out meeting with several revered members of the Illini community; President B. Joseph White, Red Grange's soul, and several average Illini fans. After quite some time, much of it filled with reminiscing about the old days of Illini basketball, we decided to forsake basketball and switch our minds to care for football... the fact is, our brains can only take caring about one sport at a time."

When pressed with questions about what his ex-wife's name was, what his second son's name and birthday were, and what he ate for dinner two nights ago, Mr. White was unable to answer.

The mood around the University of Illinois campus was surprisingly accepting. Many had even already adopted the telltale Illini fan signs of blase towards basketball.

"I really just don't care because our football team is so good. Our football team had a better record than yours this year so our basketball team MUST also be better," remarked John Mackins, a University of Illinois Sophomore. When our cameraman remarked that he was an LSU fan, John remarked, "Well we went to the Rose Bowl! And we have more national titles overall than you!!" utilizing the classic "A long time ago we were better so it makes us better now" Illini response.

That very response will now be used exclusively when any Illini fan is questioned about basketball. This reporter remarked to 20 Illini students and all twenty used the phrases "Total Final Four appearances", "Record over the last 10 seasons", and "37-2" at least once, and many used all three simultaneously. Several even told us that Illini basketball had more Rose Bowl appearances than Iowa.

When AD Ron Guenther was questioned about this he said "It may take some time for the students to sort out their poorly made defenses of our basketball program. They are so used to using the, quite honestly, pitiful defenses they have made for our football program that their brains may have to take a few weeks to think up more of them for basketball. Remember, our brains can only take one sport at a time here at the University of Illinois. This is far too much thinking for any of our students to do."

Remember that the telltale signs of an Illini fan include (now referencing basketball instead of football):
- Swearing that their team is better than yours because they were better several seasons prior.
- Swearing that their basketball team is better because their football team is good.
- Justifying their uncaring for all sports but football by repeatedly telling you that Ron Zook is great.
-Breaking down to tears when you reference Bill Self compared to Bruce Weber.

Bill Self was reached for comment, but his only reply was a 60 second voicemail filled with hysterical laughter pointed at the University of Illinois.

Code Red Returns!

and sacrilege for all..

Yes, my children, it is I. I who is the sworn rival of Iggins! I who named this site, and I who have been gone from it for so long. But what must I address, in this non-Bears, non-Cubs, end of Illini football darkness?

-Yes, the Rose Bowl was an unmitigated disaster, but the next Illini fan I hear bemoaning it can just suck a fat cock. Look, clearly the reason you people are still upset about the Rose Bowl is that you weren't actually Illinois football fans before this year, thus the defeat meant the end of something to you. To me, and every other fan who suffered through 1-10, 4-7, 2-9, and 2-10 seasons the past four years, this season was a blessing that no maiming at the hands of John David's Booty could tarnish.

-The Bears ended the season with two impressive wins, and our boy Kyle has given us a glimmer that he may be the man we want him to be. My long held opinion is that an incentive laden contract should be given to Rex, Brian Griese should be cut, a quarterback should be drafted in the 2nd, 3rd, or possibly 4th round (Brennan? Henne?) and Rex and Kyle should duel it out for the starting job while the rookie is brought along as insurance. Our first round pick should logically be a lineman or a safety, but like Iggins!, I personally would love to see it turn out to be Rashard Mendenhall.

-Illini basketball is a tragedy, as divine justice demands that I not be able to celebrate two college sports in one year. Iowa basketball is equally tragic, despite one magical win. Also, where's your list of final four appearances? At least I can remember a time when I didn't have to celebrate my team beating Michigan State, because it happened regularly.

-Please God, let baseball season come soon.

Observations*

Igor Olshansky, already owner of a fantastic name, apparently DO NOT FEAR FOOLISH PATRIOTS. Just a piece of advice for the Packers: DO NOT POKE THE FUCKING BEAR.


TOM BRADY IZ PUNY, FOOLISH MORTAL

UFC 80 takes place this Saturday, BUT WAIT! It will air live at 2pm central time! This is because the event takes place in England, where we send all our least important events. Honestly, if you want to recruit British people into watching the UFC, maybe send em one of the events (78, 79, 81, 82?) that actually involves great fighters. Watching Fabricio Werdum and/or Jason Lambert for any kind of extended period of time will NOT extend your fanbase.

There have been many stupid decisions made in mankind's history, but number one on my mind right now is ESPN's decision to broadcast a congressional hearing. I don't give a good goddamn if it WAS on steroids. That thing could have been about getting Jessica Alba and Adriana Lima to do 1 hour of straight lesbian love-making on camera and I STILL would not be able to watch ten minutes of it. Stay safe kids, remember: Congress=BORING.


I don't care

Terrell Owens cried for his QB. This is not news. After one day, shut up about it, and talk about a GAME.

*Now hatin' 'round the world!

Please, somebody, shut this idiot's mouth.

This is the LEAST truthful article I have ever read. Does this actually pass for truth? Can a journalist simply make things up about anything he wants and pass it off as a fact? I hope and pray that not one person has read this and believed that Mass Effect is about anything he describes.



NOT a sex simulator

Observations*

IOWA IS TEH UBER BETTER than the Illini. My proof? Iowa now has a conference win AND a win over #6 Michigan State! How, you ask, could Iowa have possibly beaten MSU while only shooting 28% from the floor? Two words: Lickliter Magic. Magic that the Illini clearly do not have.


Never underestimate the power of bad ballers in large groups.

Which brings abut my next point, which is this: Bruce Weber is a dick and a terrible coach. Riding off of Bill Self's recruits will only get you so far. I hope every Illini fan who ever had the pleasure of listening to me tell them how bad a coach Bruce Weber actually is is currently crying somewhere for Bill Self to return. BWAHAHAHA I HATE THE ILLINI.

Jim Kelly's son is destined for greatness, having won TWO Punt, Pass, and Kick contests in a row. Hopefully he becomes a successful NFL QB and I can root for another Kelly. Also, hopefully he can win at least 1/4 Super Bowls. ZING!

Yes, I still hate the SEC.


-Kratos tomorrow.

*Now with more hatred for one's home state than ever!!

By the Gods

(Roughly one year ago, in a room filled with fire and darkness.)



Peyton: Goshdarn is it hot in here. I wish I hadn't decided to come all formal... I must have pit-stains down to my balls. Golly jee! When is he gonna get in here?

Door opens behind Peyton. In walks:



Satan, ruler of darkness, lord of the underworld: "Peyton! I was just betting with God on how long it'd take you to get your ass in here! But, fuck me, here you are, not an hour later. Looks like I win, douchebag! (brazenly flips bird upwards. somewhere God is frowning)


Peyton: "Miroslav Satan? Well, I'll be. I always had my suspicions, but you're really the devil himself?"

Satan: "I'm also Corey Patterson, Big and Rich, and Drew Neitzel."

Peyton: "You slick son-of-a-gun."


Yes, he HAS been at MSU forever.

Satan: "Flattery ain't worth shit, son, so let's get down to business! You want to sell your soul for a Super Bowl run?"

Peyton: "In a way, sir. I'd like to propose a good-ol' proposition, if it pleases the unending void of evil standing before me."

Satan: "Fuck, whatever, hit me with it."

Peyton: "Instead of selling MY soul for a Super Bowl win, I'd like to sell my brother Eli's"

Satan: "Oh, now that is some FUCKED UP shit there, boy. This is some straight up Berserk shit. Why the hell would a choir-boy like you want to sell your brother to Satan?"

Peyton: "He's just so goshdarned aggravatin' to watch! It's more painful than watchin the Bears! I feel I'd be doin society a favor."

Satan: "Hmmm. Alright, fuck it, I accept. But selling someone elses soul only works for one year! After that, you're back to goin at the playoffs by your lonesome, asshole."

Peyton: "Deal."

ONE YEAR LATER



Peyton: "Goshdangit. I shoulda sold Marvin."

People I Hate: Media Edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who should be choked to death by Reggie Nelson's member.

This week? The Media.






No picture needed. They're everywhere.

Why? Three Reasons:


1) They assume we care about what they care about. Case and Point: Roger Clemens. I could not possibly care any less about this. Why? Because it has no bearing on sports (*cough cough* ESPN *cough cough*) and as such has no bearing on anything. So Roger took some drugs that made him heal faster and stay at his peak longer in exchange for a shorter lifespan and smaller testicles. I've seen this type of activity GLORIFIED many more times than I've seen it damned (disclaimer: for a pitcher, i'm fine with this. For a position player, I hope they die.). Just shut up about it, I don't care, we don't care, and I'd be willing to venture a guess that even your precious East Coast doesn't care. Which leads me to...


2) They are biased regionally. Normally this isn't so bad because even the worst bias won't cover bad teams. But now that Boston, home of filthy troglodite chowder-drooling fat-asses, has A TRIAD of great sports teams, ESPN coverage has become 70% Boston, and I can't tolerate that. Are they stupid enough not to realize that they over-cover Boston? Or did the tab devoted solely to the Patriots on ESPNNEWS seem reasonable?

3) I wish to work for this pulsating creature that borders on borg-like some day, which should frighten all of you. Yes, I could get into a one-sided argument about whther or not the blogosphere IS part of the media now, but I'd rather not. We'll save that for a rainy day.

Observations*

-The sleep was long, cold, and filled with Rock Band. But now that-two and a half weeks?! Oh my. Sorry about that- have passed, this blog shall rise again, much like the phoenix. But with more laziness and apathy.

-I hate Ohio State not only because of that stupid 'the' they put before their school's name, but because they have doomed me to listen to EVERY idiot with an opinion tell me how the Big Ten is a weak conference. Having to do this for just one year was enough to furrow my brow in genuine malaise, but for the second full year I do believe any man foolish enough to approach me wearing a hat emblazoned with the logo of an SEC school will have to be tortured mercilessly through impure means. From now on, I hate the SEC, no exceptions. I hope every SEC team has a massive tragedy in the offseason, that Les Miles actually has a malignant tumor under that hat, that Phil Fulmer FINALLY dies of a heart attack (hopefully it will ironically NOT be due to clogged arteries), and that every mush-mouthed idiot like JaMarcus Russell that opens his mouth gets asked the one question that everybody wants to ask: "How the fuck did you get to your Junior year of college?"



You will all perish.

-The best way I can explain what happened to OSU at the hands of the SEC twice in two years is this: OSU is too smart for SEC football. An SEC team literally feeds off of the energy of a football game and the only way to acquire more of this essential nectar is for them to release more and more insanity. After every big play NAY after every freakin play an SEC team goes ballistic, jumping and hooting and hollering and flexing his muscles; all because they gained 5 yards. A Big Ten team has no answer for this: it is as foreign to them as crepes and burkas, and when OSU looks at this they immediately assume the role of the bullied and LSU/Florida becomes the bully. OSU tries to understand the why and the how of LSU/Florida's response to every play, and that is their downfall, for there is why or how: it just is. The energy that the SEC's teams put out is a sixth sense to them, something that is as obvious as how to breathe. But to a Big Ten team it is impossible to understand, and that is why the Big Ten and Jim Tressel cannot beat the SEC: The Big Ten cannot be excited simply for the sake of excitement and thus they are at a disadvantage at all times, because every time a Big Ten team faces an SEC team they can never dominate momentum NAAAAAYYYYY they can never even have momentum. And (yes this is another argument in and of itself) in college football, momentum is the most important part of the game.

-MUCH MUCH more to come tomorrow and over the next week, including Kratos and Bears offseason talk. Viva la Revolucion!

*Blatant bigotry IS included, you slack-jawed crawfish-catching, coon-skin wearing junkslut.

I actually really like John Calipari

Holy shit! Wow we played well! I did not expect that at all!

Did we just beat Georgetown by 14? Really? What happened to Roy Hibbert?... he only scored 6 points? Fantastic! I am shocked.

God our guys played really well! I did not expect good play out of my guys! Joey Dorsey! Who would have though he'd play well? Golly he was good! How about our Freshmen? They're filthy little freshman and they played well!

And how about Dozier? Jesus, who the hell is that? I didn't even know he was on my team! This was a fascinating game for me!

How is it possible that I can be so surprised about my own players on the No. 2 team in the nation playing well?! I'm John fuckin Calipari! I'm gonna go watch the game tapes from the last couple of games! I was just spacin out, I figured we sucked!

What a world!

Observations*

Sooo... not quite this just yet.

Underwhelming! Kyle Orton's performance last night was... well it was mediocre. As was pointed out to me, his stats were okay but his performance LOOKED pretty sad. However, at least half, if not more, of the blame should be placed squarely on the offensive line for false starting, not blocking, and allowing Fred Miller to breathe.

Ominous! I'd like everybody to digest, just one more time, the comparison to the Drew Brees and Derek Anderson situation. Kyle Orton might just need some hot shot rookie breathing down his neck to perform. Or maybe Donovan McNabb won't let him have a chance. Either way, BANZAI to our inevitable new QB next season!

GET ON YER EBAY! because FSU has a possibility of TWENTY fluckin player being suspended for their bowl game and 3 games next year. Apparently they've been cheating on online tests, to which I say, HOW THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU CHEAT on online tests?! The internet is right there!!!


Cheating: Impossible to get caught via internet? NAY says FSU.

WHA?! The Pro Bowl rosters were announced today, and the two people who I thought were sure locks to go... did not! Brian Urlacher and Olin Kreutz will both be staying home (barring that they are, in fact, alternates, and that the men in front of them get injured). Going for the Bears will be Lance Briggs, Tommie Harris, Devin Hester, and Brendan Ayanbadejo.

Respect handed down in tasteful fashion, as Sean Taylor is elected to the Pro Bowl. He was having a great year, and he deserved/deserves to go. Why not elect him next year, too? We all know he'd have been there.

*Applesauce not included

The wait is over

We're under 12 hours away from the resurgence of man-God Kyle Orton, and as such I would like to demonstrate Kyle Orton: A History, as seen through the eyes of Iggins! and Code Red.

Kyle's senior season:

Iggins!: "Why was this guy supposed to win the Heisman? He lost to Iowa, he must suck!"
Code Red: "But he didn't play against Iowa you dipshit!!"

Draft Day:

Iggins!: "NOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!"
Code Red: "It was a good move in a later round to grab a back up plan. If you haven't noticed the Bears need back up plans."
Iggins!: "But we have Grossman! He can't get hurt again, can he?!"
Code Red: "Why would you say that?!?!!?"



Rx Grossman: "OWWWWW!! DAMNIT, WHY?!"
Iggins!: "Fuck... did I do that?"

Beginning of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins!, Code Red: "Well, at least he isn't Chad Hutchinson."

Middle of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins!: "He threw 5 INTs to the Bengals... that isn't so good. But we're winning... how are we winning?"
Code Red: "He's a rookie, and we have a great defense... but 5 is a bit much."

End of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins! & Code Red: "So yeah, we're 11-5. But let's not credit that to Orton. Maybe in a couple years, if Grossman doesn't pan out, we can make Orton the full time starter. But we need Grossman against the Panthers."
Rx Grossman: "Why does our defense suck when I do good!?!!?"

This season:
Iggins!: "The time has come! Sound the horn of Gondor!"




Code Red: "He has been developing like a caterpillar... in a cocoon... and now he shall sprout into a magnificent butterfly!"
Iggins!: "And he shall light the Metrodome ablaze with his God-like brilliance!"
Code Red: "Do you want to go to Hell?"





It's been so long. So damn long. I have never, not once in my 18 years of existence, seen a Cubs World Series game, a Blackhawks Stanley Cup game, or a Hawkeye National Title game. But worse than all of that is never having seen a good Bears Quarterback. Please, Orton. The odds are so good that you'll be a great QB at this point that it's more unlikely that you suck than that you'll be good. BRING THE PAIN.

Observations*

13 tOSU Players are gauging their draft prospects, and for some reason people are shocked. What the hell, people?! If at all possible, every player in the NCAAs should look at their draft prospects. Ohio State has been one of the best schools at helping their student-athletes get drafted soon, and it isn't out of greed. tOSU really is concerned about the possibility of a highly regarded underclassmen getting hurt his Senior year and they will help that underclassmen to get all the information on where they will be drafted as smoothly as possible. This is not bad, damnit. This is good.

The Mitchell Report has very little in it that should concern anyone in Chicago, with the exception of one player, Brian Roberts. When I heard that his name was on the list I immediately checked it out, and I find this?

According to Bigbie, however, in 2004 Roberts admitted to him that he had injected himself once or twice with steroids in 2003. Until this admission, Bigbie had never suspected Roberts of using steroids.

So we're accepting hearsay from Larry Fuckin Bigbie that says that maybe Roberts might have said he did it once? I still want Brian Roberts, Hendry. Get it done.



Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are apparently regular 18 and 19 year olds, albeit with spectacular skill at sliding with style around a large patch of ice. Also, they both live in different people's basements. Okay, I want to be able to relate to my favorite sports athletes, but maybe not that much. (btw I don't live in someone's basement, but I do know several people who do at the tender age of 18... oh shit I'm 18. Wow I'm old enough to where rookies are my age! 100 COCKTAILS to me.)

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Forrest Griffin will coach the two teams on the next season of the Ultimate Fighter, and afterwards they'll fight for the light heavyweight title. BY GOD my two favorite fighters NAY... my two favorite athletes are squaring off in a title fight? Hestermas has come early... or late, considering the fight will be some time in June, probably. But the announcement makes me happier than R. Kelly at a 12 year old's birthday party. Simple, balanced equation:



+



=



+



In other news, the Bears, who are so far out of the playoff picture that the Lions feel sorry for them, are busy convincing us that Orton will do better than he did in 2005. You don't have to convince me, Bears. I know how to fear a God.