Cubs Preview 3/7/08

Roster Spot #24- Sean Marshall/Kevin Hart
Just like yesterday, I'm not sure which of these two will lock up a spot, maybe even both will so here's another twofer.

P- Sean Marshall #45

Uh..Sean...that's not the mound

Height: 6'7'' Weight:205 Bats: Left Throws: Left

2007: 21 Games, 19 games started, 7-8, 3.97 era, 1.37 whip

I really dont know why the Cubs seem to be so opposed to having Sean in the fifth starter spot. His ERA was better than all three of his competitors, Marquis, Dempster, and Lieber last year and he seems to be a relatively talented young pitcher, who took the majority of starts in the fifth spot after the end of the disaster that was Wade Miller last May, and performed well, especially for an end of the rotation guy. However, the Cubs organization just doesn't trust him, having gone so far as to trade for the rotting corpse of Steve Trachsel (mother fucking Steve Trachsel!) last September to keep Sean from starting key games in September. Not only that, but the entire Cubs organization and its fans seem to have renamed Sean as Trade Bait, as every single trade rumor involving the Cubs has Sean being shucked. Seriously, ask any Cubs fan who knows the roster about a trade they want to see the team make and see how quickly they say "well if we give them Marshall...". They'll say it every time.

P- Kevin Hart #22

Height: 6'4'' Weight: 215

2007: 8 games, 0 starts, 11.0 innings pitched. 0-0, 0.82 era, 1.00 whip.

Kevin was a surprise to the Cubs organization last year, winning its Minor League Pitcher of the Year award and earning a September call up to the big league club, where he posted those solid numbers in a very short sample of games. Hart was impressive enough to make his way onto the postseason roster for the Cubs, but did not make an appearance against the Diamondbacks. Hart is currently competing for one of the bullpen spots, and has so far had a very good spring, having not allowed a run in three games. Chances are he'll make the final cut as a middle reliever.

Chicago Cubs Season Preview 3/6/08

As I mentioned a long, long while ago, I can not wait for baseball season, which holds a lot of promise for our Chicago Cubs this year. In order to properly express my excitement, and to make the days go by till opening day a bit faster, I shall take the remaining 25 baseball-less days to do a one player a day preview of the 2008 Chicago Cubs roster. These will the 25 candidates that are considered most likely to make the roster, pending any sudden cuts, injuries, signings or trades (translation: Please, Baltimore, quit being bastards and make the trade. Give us Brian Roberts).

Another feature of our Cubs coverage this year will be the 1st Annual Matt Stairs Award for Loveable Mediocrity. For those of you who did not watch the 2001 Chicago Cubs, or have weak memories, Matt Stairs was a hefty, .250 hitting 1st baseman whose "hustle" and work ethic endeared him to the Chicago fans, especially when compared to his replacement, the lazy, statue-like, "defense? I don't play no stinkin' defense" bastard Fred McGriff. So in honor of this portly hero:


We have decided to initiate an end of the season award that will be given to the Chicago Cub who meets (but dares not exceed) the standard of mediocre statistics and yet inexplicably winning behavior set by Stairs himself.


The following Qualifications must be met in order to compete for this award:

Position Players:

1. Must appear in over half of the team's games (81).

2. Batting Average must fall in the .250-.280 range, while home runs cannot exceed 20 and RBIs may not exceed 70, as the Matt himself batted .250 with 17 homers and 61 rbis during his campaign with the Cubs.

Pitchers:

1. Must make at least 20 appearances.

2.ERA must be between 4.00 and 4.99

For Everyone:

3. The Cubs record in the player's appearances must be over .500. (Matt in 2001: 71-57)

4. The player cannot have one of the top 10 salaries on the team, as we're not here to reward underachievement by the superstars, but mediocrity by the little guys. (True, Matt himself was #9, but considering that the Cubs payroll was far smaller in those days and Sosa's contract counted for like, 6 of everyone elses, we'll make 10 the bar.)

Based upon the salary factor, the following players are eligible:

Henry (Hank White) Blanco, C
Daryle Ward, 1B/PH
Michael Wuertz, P
Matt Murton, OF
Ronny Cedeno, SS/2B
Rich Hill, P
Ryan Theriot, SS
Sam Fuld, OF
Felix Pie, CF
Kevin Hart, P
Jon Lieber, P
Sean Marshall, P
Billy Petrick, P
Neal Cotts, P
Carmen Pignatiello, P
Geovany Soto, C
Erik Patterson, OF

The list will of course be trimmed after Spring Training to remove those players that do not make the final roster. Standings will be posted at the end of each week, ranking the players based on their performances. The final award will be made after the last game of the regular season.

Now on to the previews themselves, which I will count backwards, 25-1, from the worst player on the roster to the best. Once more, these are my guesses as to who will actually be on the 25 man roster after cuts, so if I miss one or two, who cares, it'll be the shitty players anyways.

Roster Spot #25: Mike Fontenot/Sam Fuld
I'm really not sure which one of these guys will make the final roster, so I'll just do a brief bit on both.

2B-Mike Fontenot#17


Height: 5'8'' Weight: 170 lbs Bats: Left Throws: Left

2007 Stats: .278 avg, 3 hrs, 29 rbis, .336 obp, .402 slg, 5 stolen bases.

Fontenot was acquired in the 2005 trade that Sammy Sosa to the Orioles. He saw actions in a few games that year, spent the 2006 season in the minors, and was called up to the Cubs on May 15 after batting .336 for the AAA Iowa Cubs. During his first month in the majors Fontenot went on a tear, batting .397 with a .422 obp during the month of June. Fontenot hit all 3 of his homers in that month and 25 of his 29 rbis. But that would be the last month of the "good" Fontenot.


Fontenot followed up his blistering June with July, August, September/October averages of .211, .208, .233, with 0 homers and 4 rbis. 4! In three months!

This spring Fontenot has tried to boost his chances of making the team by expanding his range and trying to play shortstop, third base, and the outfield, and is batting .429 with a homer and four rbis.


OF- Sam Fuld #27

Height:5'10'' Weight: 180 Bats: Left Throws: Left

2007 Stats: .000 avg, 0 hrs, o rbis, .333 obp, .000 slug.

Fuld has become a "fan favorite" at Wrigley Field after his brief 14 game stint with the team last September. By "fan favorite" I mean women love him because he's "dreamy" and nonsensical Cubs fans who wouldn't know a stat book if it hit them in the ass love him because he "hustles" and had one amazing catch last year. One. Anyone who really thinks this guy, whose minor league numbers (especially power numbers) are nowhere near as impressive as Felix Pie's and who has ZERO career hits is a better option as the starter in center field represents whats wrong with most Cubs fans. You don't score runs with grit, hustle, or "sticktoitiveness" damnit. These are the same people who defended Alex Gonzalez, Corey Patterson, and Kyle Farnsworth. I hate you all.

Honestly, Compare the numbers:

Fuld (Minors):318 games, .296 avg., 12 hrs, 106 rbis, 52 stolen bases

Pie (Minors):541 games, .300 avg., 51 hrs, 257 rbis,106 stolen bases

Granted, Fuld's minor league stats are nothing to laugh at and he may make a solid leadoff hitter someday. But also so might Pie. A leadoff hitter with more speed (Fuld's only really viable asset) and more power. Even if one projects Fulds stats out to the same number of games played as Pie his numbers dont come close. So please people, quit plugging for Fuld.

Update: The "Seriously, We Did Remember We Had This Thing" Edition

Hello again, from the Start Kyle Orton crew. Really I'm not so sure I really am wholeheartedly devoted to the name of this website, as I'm currently supporting Rex in the QB competition. Which leads to my first comment on a brief round-up of what has happened with the Bears since we left you.

-The Rex re-signing and the Kyle contract extension were both good moves by the Bears. The training camp competition between the two might just be the first Legitimate quarterback contest the Bears have had in years. Personally I favor Rex, as, I believe, does Lovie. Rex is the guy the Bears have had faith in all along, and they really would like this last shot at hoping he'll be healthy/effective will work out. Kyle really is their ideal backup, as he was never meant to replace Rex, but to be a back up with similar attributes and skill sets to Rex's that would allow him to step in in case of a Rex injury and keep the same playbook.

-A better move was ditching Griese. Thank God. Good luck with Gruden, Brian, you shall Not be missed.

- Lance Briggs was a must-have and I'm glad the Bears didn't let him get away. That money was far, far better spent on Briggs than Berrian and its great that Angelo prioritized properly. Oh, and Berrian? Since when is a receiver whose among the league leaders in dropped passes and has never had a 1,000 yd season worth 8 million a year? Fuck you.

-Marty Booker? Really? That was....unexpected. I never really warmed to Marty the first time, despite the numbers he just really didn't seem like a playmaker. We'll see how it goes this time.

- PLEASE GOD DRAFT RASHARD MENDENHALL!

- Oh and Favre is gone. A merciful God has finally granted us this. Tuesday, March 4th shall forever live as a Great Day in Bears History.

.....and that should about catch us up.

Prayer for Baseball

Chicago Bears- 7-9. Season over.

Chicago Bulls- 17-24. Season perplexing at best.

Bradley Braves- 10-10. Season Mediocre.

Iowa Hawkeyes/Illinois Fighting Illini- 9-11. Miserable.

What does that leave us with? Our only possible salvation, still two months away. The longest and most endurance-demanding of seasons for a fan. Baseball. In this Iggins! and I have chosen our team well, for we have the all-mighty.... Chicago Cubs..........fuck.

But seriously, they went to the playoffs last year and this team looks primed for a real, legitimate run this year. A run that starts March 31st. Assuming I can survive these cold, cruel, football-less months. Sometimes I watch Arena Football on ESPN. Its like shaking up the last beer can to hope that you can get enough of a buzz to last you till you have money to get another case. I need baseball. I need fire in my sports life. Fire provided by this man:

And this man:

And whatever the hell this guy provides:

Karate? A zen-like concentration? An awesome chance for me to buy a Cubs t-shirt that says "Fuk U" on the back? I know Iggins! went into a catatonic seizure the day the Cubs signed Fukudome, but that's really just because he wants to be Japanese so badly the if he weren't afraid of needles he'd have dueling samurais tattooed on his ass. Really I think this is a good signing, but one must always be aware that signing Japanese players gives you an equal chance of getting a Hideki Irabu, a Kaz Matsui, or a Shingo Takatsu instead of a Hideki Matsui, an Ichiro Suzuki or a Tadahito Iguchi. You'll note that I mentioned the suckitude of a Kaz Matsui or a Shingo Takatsu above. You'll also note that the Cubs SIGNED Takatsu and considered giving a big contract to Matsui. That ought to tell you to be wary of their Japanese player evaluating skills. But I'm willing to be optimistic on Fukudome. Mostly because I'm a Cubs fan, and thus gullible enough to be optimistic on most things they sell me. Especially this season.

Which can't come fast enough..

UFC Time with Kratos, God of War

Praise be to me, Kratos, GOD OF WAR, mortal, for I have chosen to, in my INFINITE KINDNESS, relate to you my opinions on the GOD-SPORT that is ULTIMATE FIGHTING.

UFC 79 went EXACTLY as I predicted, with Liddell beating the UNHOLY HELL out of Wanderlei "THE PUNCHING BAG" Silva. I was NOT surprised by Liddell's total DOMINATION of that Pride-fighting BITCH, but I WAS impressed by Silva's refusal to FALL. From my estimation he should have died at least THREE times in that ring, but he refused to even drop to ONE KNEE. With that kind of iron chin you would think the little mortal BASTARD could have mounted an OFFENSE, but Liddell quickly squashed any hopes of that. Whoever Liddell's next opponent is (perhaps Lyoto Machida, more on him LATER) had best HIDE under a LARGE ROCK because that man is ON A MISSION to fight RAMPAGE again.

The Undercard (You see how I made Liddell vs. Silva the main event?) also went as I predicted aside from the Sokudjou (more like SokuBITCH) match. St. Pierre absolutely ANNIHILATED Matt "BibleBITCH" Hughes, and even showed incredible CLASS by refusing the title until he pulverized MATT SERRA at UFC 83. I FEAR for Matt Serra like no other mortal being. Georges also showed off an IMMACULATE tan, not only defeating Hughes in the ring, but also in LIFE. Lyoto Machida did what he always does and BORED Sokudjou to death, retaining his undefeated record, and perhaps earning a shot at a top 5 Light Heavyweight in the NEAR FUTURE (Liddell vs. Machida for a shot at Rampage/Griffin?).

UFC 80 held almost NO INTEREST to me, with only ONE match being of any IMPORTANCE, and BJ Penn submitted Joe "Daddy" Stevenson in the 2nd round, making BJ Penn, FINALLY, the lightweight champion. Lightweights interest me about as much as do PUPPIES and HUGS and I CARE for them even LESS, so let's talk about-



UFC 81, which will be held the day before the Super Bowl, has TWO interesting matches, and ONE match THAT DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL. PREDICTIONS!!!:

Tim "The Maine-iac" Sylvia vs. Antonio "Minotauro" Nogueira:
Tim Sylvia has a LONG HISTORY of WINNING and LOSING this title (Won from Ricco Rodriguez, defends against Gan McGee but loses title due to testing positive for 'roids, beat in a match for the vacant title belt by Frank Mir, beat by Andrei Arlovski for the title after Frank Mir crashes his motorcycle (and Frank is just now getting back), beats Andrei Arlovsky to gain title, beats Andrei again, beats Jeff Monson, loses to Randy Couture.) SEE? IT IS LONG. The problem for Sylvia will be the number TWO ranked Heavyweight IN THE WORLD, Minotauro Nogeira. Sylvia fights out of the Quad Cities, Iggins! HOME-TOWN, but that is NOT ENOUGH to give him the nod here: Minotauro by TKO in the third.



Frank "I Wrecked My Bike" Mir vs. Brock "ARGH!" Lesnar:
This fight is absolutely TEEMING with plot-lines. Frank Mir's title run was cut short by the MERCILESS hands of FATE when he wrecked his motorcycle, and now he has a chance, THREE YEARS LATERISH, to get into position to reclaim it by beating Brock Lesnar. If you don't know who Brock Lesnar is, then DO NOT tell me, for I will KILL YOU for your TOTAL LACK of knowledge. Lesnar was a WWE STAR and tried out for the Minnesota Vikings-ahem-BITCHES before training for an eventual MMA career. His career began with a RIDICULOUSLY FAST knockout of a random ASIAN, and Dana White immediately SIGNED HIM UP. Frank Mir is battle-tested, but Brock is the WILDEST of WILD-CARDS, and, due also to his ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE MUSCLES, I will pick Brock Lesnar to win in the first by KO.

Jeremy Horn vs. Nate Marquardt:
This does not matter AT ALL. Neither could beat Anderson Silva. EVER. Marquardt by split decision in the third.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, MORTALS!!

Pot Shot at the Enemy

Father arrested for forcing son to wear Green Bay Packers jersey

PORTAGE, Wis. (AP) -- Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

Mathew Kowald was cited for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident with his son at their home in Pardeeville, Lt. Wayne Smith of the Columbia County Sheriff's Department said. Pardeeville is about 30 miles north of Madison.

The 36-year-old Kowald was arrested Monday after his wife told authorities about the incident. Kowald was taken to the county jail and held until Wednesday, when he pleaded no contest, paid a fine of $186 and was released.

Kowald's wife filed a restraining order Wednesday, so Kowald will not be able to have contact with his family, Smith said. Smith said other domestic issues have surfaced, though he wouldn't elaborate.

The boy refused to wear the jersey Saturday, when the Packers beat the Seattle Seahawks in a playoff game, Smith said. Smith said the incident sounded strange when reported at first, but the mother took pictures with her cell phone and that type of evidence is difficult to dispute.

Kowald, contacted later Wednesday by the Portage Daily Register, said the incident started as a joke. His son challenged him by saying he wouldn't root for the Packers. When he tied the boy up, the youngster was laughing while his wife took pictures, he said.

"Then he couldn't get out and he got upset and that's it. It lasted a minute," he said. "I didn't mean no harm, and he knows that, but I haven't been able to tell him that."

District Attorney Jane Kohlwey said there wasn't enough evidence to support felony charges.

"I wouldn't agree with what he did, but legally a parent can restrain a child," she said. "I have no proof of emotional damage. ... I have to follow the law.

Face it Green Bay fans, whatever happens on the field (especially 2 losses to da Bears), you still lose. As human beings.

I Am No Traitor

All my life I have been loyal to those teams which were the teams of my home state, my native soil. My loyalties in baseball have never once parted from my beloved Cubs. In football I watched the Bears even though my first really memorable experiences as a Bears fan were of Dave Wannstedt, followed by the Jauron era. In basketball, always a sport which has never had any chance of moving above the number 3 slot on my list of favorites, I watched the Bulls during the Jordan era, followed them erratically through the glory days of the Skiles era, and am most likely about to head into another period of complete apathy towards the NBA. Illinois football and basketball have been my college teams all my life as well, not out of any real personal connection to the school, but out of a love my native state. In football, I remember Chris Pazan, Brad Bower, Jon Beutjer, and 1-10. I remember my Kurt Kittner shrine. I remember when Simeon Rice actually played there (a thousand Illini football fans who just found their loyalty this season responded to that with "really, we had Simeon Rice?). In basketball I've followed them through the Lon Kruger years, the terror that was Nick Smith, Frankie Williams lard-ass, Bill Self's defection, and the national title run that ended in a game that I will maintain till my dying breath was plagued by slanted officiating. But no more. I now attend Bradley University. It is in the state of Illinois, thus it is my native soil. Its actually only ten minutes away from my place of birth. It is a division one basketball team with a recent trip to the Sweet Sixteen under its belt. While Bradley has no football team, thus leaving me to remain loyal to the Illini, the existence of its basketball team demands that in all propriety my allegiance belongs to the Braves. This is not me jumping from a sinking ship. Bradley is 8-9, Illinois is 9-9. I am merely choosing my school over one that sits in a distant campus that I will never attend. I will follow Illinois basketball still, at a remove, forever holding them as my number 2, but I am a Bradley Braves follower. They at least have already beaten Iowa, giving me bragging rights over Iggins! As for the Illini, I bid you a fond farewell, and I hope that the road brings you back to glory, which, while I shall enjoy it, will not result in me jumping back and maiming Iggins! with proclamations of "my" teams glory. I am a Bradley Braves fan. There, the word is out. Attack me not with your indignation toward Illini basketball. If you wish to discuss Illini football, I retain the undivided loyalty of the devoted fan, but as for basketball, I am detached, nonchalant, and free.








And Bruce Weber really IS an annoying dick. God, that felt good.

BREAKING NEWS: Illini fans officially switch sports

CHAMPAIGN, IL- Word was confirmed today on a long-held suspicion in the sports industry; fans of University of Illinois sports have officially switched the one sport they pay attention to from basketball to football. Athletic Director Ron Guenther held a press conference in Champaign this morning.

"I had a long, well-thought-out meeting with several revered members of the Illini community; President B. Joseph White, Red Grange's soul, and several average Illini fans. After quite some time, much of it filled with reminiscing about the old days of Illini basketball, we decided to forsake basketball and switch our minds to care for football... the fact is, our brains can only take caring about one sport at a time."

When pressed with questions about what his ex-wife's name was, what his second son's name and birthday were, and what he ate for dinner two nights ago, Mr. White was unable to answer.

The mood around the University of Illinois campus was surprisingly accepting. Many had even already adopted the telltale Illini fan signs of blase towards basketball.

"I really just don't care because our football team is so good. Our football team had a better record than yours this year so our basketball team MUST also be better," remarked John Mackins, a University of Illinois Sophomore. When our cameraman remarked that he was an LSU fan, John remarked, "Well we went to the Rose Bowl! And we have more national titles overall than you!!" utilizing the classic "A long time ago we were better so it makes us better now" Illini response.

That very response will now be used exclusively when any Illini fan is questioned about basketball. This reporter remarked to 20 Illini students and all twenty used the phrases "Total Final Four appearances", "Record over the last 10 seasons", and "37-2" at least once, and many used all three simultaneously. Several even told us that Illini basketball had more Rose Bowl appearances than Iowa.

When AD Ron Guenther was questioned about this he said "It may take some time for the students to sort out their poorly made defenses of our basketball program. They are so used to using the, quite honestly, pitiful defenses they have made for our football program that their brains may have to take a few weeks to think up more of them for basketball. Remember, our brains can only take one sport at a time here at the University of Illinois. This is far too much thinking for any of our students to do."

Remember that the telltale signs of an Illini fan include (now referencing basketball instead of football):
- Swearing that their team is better than yours because they were better several seasons prior.
- Swearing that their basketball team is better because their football team is good.
- Justifying their uncaring for all sports but football by repeatedly telling you that Ron Zook is great.
-Breaking down to tears when you reference Bill Self compared to Bruce Weber.

Bill Self was reached for comment, but his only reply was a 60 second voicemail filled with hysterical laughter pointed at the University of Illinois.

Code Red Returns!

and sacrilege for all..

Yes, my children, it is I. I who is the sworn rival of Iggins! I who named this site, and I who have been gone from it for so long. But what must I address, in this non-Bears, non-Cubs, end of Illini football darkness?

-Yes, the Rose Bowl was an unmitigated disaster, but the next Illini fan I hear bemoaning it can just suck a fat cock. Look, clearly the reason you people are still upset about the Rose Bowl is that you weren't actually Illinois football fans before this year, thus the defeat meant the end of something to you. To me, and every other fan who suffered through 1-10, 4-7, 2-9, and 2-10 seasons the past four years, this season was a blessing that no maiming at the hands of John David's Booty could tarnish.

-The Bears ended the season with two impressive wins, and our boy Kyle has given us a glimmer that he may be the man we want him to be. My long held opinion is that an incentive laden contract should be given to Rex, Brian Griese should be cut, a quarterback should be drafted in the 2nd, 3rd, or possibly 4th round (Brennan? Henne?) and Rex and Kyle should duel it out for the starting job while the rookie is brought along as insurance. Our first round pick should logically be a lineman or a safety, but like Iggins!, I personally would love to see it turn out to be Rashard Mendenhall.

-Illini basketball is a tragedy, as divine justice demands that I not be able to celebrate two college sports in one year. Iowa basketball is equally tragic, despite one magical win. Also, where's your list of final four appearances? At least I can remember a time when I didn't have to celebrate my team beating Michigan State, because it happened regularly.

-Please God, let baseball season come soon.

Observations*

Igor Olshansky, already owner of a fantastic name, apparently DO NOT FEAR FOOLISH PATRIOTS. Just a piece of advice for the Packers: DO NOT POKE THE FUCKING BEAR.


TOM BRADY IZ PUNY, FOOLISH MORTAL

UFC 80 takes place this Saturday, BUT WAIT! It will air live at 2pm central time! This is because the event takes place in England, where we send all our least important events. Honestly, if you want to recruit British people into watching the UFC, maybe send em one of the events (78, 79, 81, 82?) that actually involves great fighters. Watching Fabricio Werdum and/or Jason Lambert for any kind of extended period of time will NOT extend your fanbase.

There have been many stupid decisions made in mankind's history, but number one on my mind right now is ESPN's decision to broadcast a congressional hearing. I don't give a good goddamn if it WAS on steroids. That thing could have been about getting Jessica Alba and Adriana Lima to do 1 hour of straight lesbian love-making on camera and I STILL would not be able to watch ten minutes of it. Stay safe kids, remember: Congress=BORING.


I don't care

Terrell Owens cried for his QB. This is not news. After one day, shut up about it, and talk about a GAME.

*Now hatin' 'round the world!

Please, somebody, shut this idiot's mouth.

This is the LEAST truthful article I have ever read. Does this actually pass for truth? Can a journalist simply make things up about anything he wants and pass it off as a fact? I hope and pray that not one person has read this and believed that Mass Effect is about anything he describes.



NOT a sex simulator

Observations*

IOWA IS TEH UBER BETTER than the Illini. My proof? Iowa now has a conference win AND a win over #6 Michigan State! How, you ask, could Iowa have possibly beaten MSU while only shooting 28% from the floor? Two words: Lickliter Magic. Magic that the Illini clearly do not have.


Never underestimate the power of bad ballers in large groups.

Which brings abut my next point, which is this: Bruce Weber is a dick and a terrible coach. Riding off of Bill Self's recruits will only get you so far. I hope every Illini fan who ever had the pleasure of listening to me tell them how bad a coach Bruce Weber actually is is currently crying somewhere for Bill Self to return. BWAHAHAHA I HATE THE ILLINI.

Jim Kelly's son is destined for greatness, having won TWO Punt, Pass, and Kick contests in a row. Hopefully he becomes a successful NFL QB and I can root for another Kelly. Also, hopefully he can win at least 1/4 Super Bowls. ZING!

Yes, I still hate the SEC.


-Kratos tomorrow.

*Now with more hatred for one's home state than ever!!

By the Gods

(Roughly one year ago, in a room filled with fire and darkness.)



Peyton: Goshdarn is it hot in here. I wish I hadn't decided to come all formal... I must have pit-stains down to my balls. Golly jee! When is he gonna get in here?

Door opens behind Peyton. In walks:



Satan, ruler of darkness, lord of the underworld: "Peyton! I was just betting with God on how long it'd take you to get your ass in here! But, fuck me, here you are, not an hour later. Looks like I win, douchebag! (brazenly flips bird upwards. somewhere God is frowning)


Peyton: "Miroslav Satan? Well, I'll be. I always had my suspicions, but you're really the devil himself?"

Satan: "I'm also Corey Patterson, Big and Rich, and Drew Neitzel."

Peyton: "You slick son-of-a-gun."


Yes, he HAS been at MSU forever.

Satan: "Flattery ain't worth shit, son, so let's get down to business! You want to sell your soul for a Super Bowl run?"

Peyton: "In a way, sir. I'd like to propose a good-ol' proposition, if it pleases the unending void of evil standing before me."

Satan: "Fuck, whatever, hit me with it."

Peyton: "Instead of selling MY soul for a Super Bowl win, I'd like to sell my brother Eli's"

Satan: "Oh, now that is some FUCKED UP shit there, boy. This is some straight up Berserk shit. Why the hell would a choir-boy like you want to sell your brother to Satan?"

Peyton: "He's just so goshdarned aggravatin' to watch! It's more painful than watchin the Bears! I feel I'd be doin society a favor."

Satan: "Hmmm. Alright, fuck it, I accept. But selling someone elses soul only works for one year! After that, you're back to goin at the playoffs by your lonesome, asshole."

Peyton: "Deal."

ONE YEAR LATER



Peyton: "Goshdangit. I shoulda sold Marvin."

People I Hate: Media Edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who should be choked to death by Reggie Nelson's member.

This week? The Media.






No picture needed. They're everywhere.

Why? Three Reasons:


1) They assume we care about what they care about. Case and Point: Roger Clemens. I could not possibly care any less about this. Why? Because it has no bearing on sports (*cough cough* ESPN *cough cough*) and as such has no bearing on anything. So Roger took some drugs that made him heal faster and stay at his peak longer in exchange for a shorter lifespan and smaller testicles. I've seen this type of activity GLORIFIED many more times than I've seen it damned (disclaimer: for a pitcher, i'm fine with this. For a position player, I hope they die.). Just shut up about it, I don't care, we don't care, and I'd be willing to venture a guess that even your precious East Coast doesn't care. Which leads me to...


2) They are biased regionally. Normally this isn't so bad because even the worst bias won't cover bad teams. But now that Boston, home of filthy troglodite chowder-drooling fat-asses, has A TRIAD of great sports teams, ESPN coverage has become 70% Boston, and I can't tolerate that. Are they stupid enough not to realize that they over-cover Boston? Or did the tab devoted solely to the Patriots on ESPNNEWS seem reasonable?

3) I wish to work for this pulsating creature that borders on borg-like some day, which should frighten all of you. Yes, I could get into a one-sided argument about whther or not the blogosphere IS part of the media now, but I'd rather not. We'll save that for a rainy day.

Observations*

-The sleep was long, cold, and filled with Rock Band. But now that-two and a half weeks?! Oh my. Sorry about that- have passed, this blog shall rise again, much like the phoenix. But with more laziness and apathy.

-I hate Ohio State not only because of that stupid 'the' they put before their school's name, but because they have doomed me to listen to EVERY idiot with an opinion tell me how the Big Ten is a weak conference. Having to do this for just one year was enough to furrow my brow in genuine malaise, but for the second full year I do believe any man foolish enough to approach me wearing a hat emblazoned with the logo of an SEC school will have to be tortured mercilessly through impure means. From now on, I hate the SEC, no exceptions. I hope every SEC team has a massive tragedy in the offseason, that Les Miles actually has a malignant tumor under that hat, that Phil Fulmer FINALLY dies of a heart attack (hopefully it will ironically NOT be due to clogged arteries), and that every mush-mouthed idiot like JaMarcus Russell that opens his mouth gets asked the one question that everybody wants to ask: "How the fuck did you get to your Junior year of college?"



You will all perish.

-The best way I can explain what happened to OSU at the hands of the SEC twice in two years is this: OSU is too smart for SEC football. An SEC team literally feeds off of the energy of a football game and the only way to acquire more of this essential nectar is for them to release more and more insanity. After every big play NAY after every freakin play an SEC team goes ballistic, jumping and hooting and hollering and flexing his muscles; all because they gained 5 yards. A Big Ten team has no answer for this: it is as foreign to them as crepes and burkas, and when OSU looks at this they immediately assume the role of the bullied and LSU/Florida becomes the bully. OSU tries to understand the why and the how of LSU/Florida's response to every play, and that is their downfall, for there is why or how: it just is. The energy that the SEC's teams put out is a sixth sense to them, something that is as obvious as how to breathe. But to a Big Ten team it is impossible to understand, and that is why the Big Ten and Jim Tressel cannot beat the SEC: The Big Ten cannot be excited simply for the sake of excitement and thus they are at a disadvantage at all times, because every time a Big Ten team faces an SEC team they can never dominate momentum NAAAAAYYYYY they can never even have momentum. And (yes this is another argument in and of itself) in college football, momentum is the most important part of the game.

-MUCH MUCH more to come tomorrow and over the next week, including Kratos and Bears offseason talk. Viva la Revolucion!

*Blatant bigotry IS included, you slack-jawed crawfish-catching, coon-skin wearing junkslut.

I actually really like John Calipari

Holy shit! Wow we played well! I did not expect that at all!

Did we just beat Georgetown by 14? Really? What happened to Roy Hibbert?... he only scored 6 points? Fantastic! I am shocked.

God our guys played really well! I did not expect good play out of my guys! Joey Dorsey! Who would have though he'd play well? Golly he was good! How about our Freshmen? They're filthy little freshman and they played well!

And how about Dozier? Jesus, who the hell is that? I didn't even know he was on my team! This was a fascinating game for me!

How is it possible that I can be so surprised about my own players on the No. 2 team in the nation playing well?! I'm John fuckin Calipari! I'm gonna go watch the game tapes from the last couple of games! I was just spacin out, I figured we sucked!

What a world!

Observations*

Sooo... not quite this just yet.

Underwhelming! Kyle Orton's performance last night was... well it was mediocre. As was pointed out to me, his stats were okay but his performance LOOKED pretty sad. However, at least half, if not more, of the blame should be placed squarely on the offensive line for false starting, not blocking, and allowing Fred Miller to breathe.

Ominous! I'd like everybody to digest, just one more time, the comparison to the Drew Brees and Derek Anderson situation. Kyle Orton might just need some hot shot rookie breathing down his neck to perform. Or maybe Donovan McNabb won't let him have a chance. Either way, BANZAI to our inevitable new QB next season!

GET ON YER EBAY! because FSU has a possibility of TWENTY fluckin player being suspended for their bowl game and 3 games next year. Apparently they've been cheating on online tests, to which I say, HOW THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU CHEAT on online tests?! The internet is right there!!!


Cheating: Impossible to get caught via internet? NAY says FSU.

WHA?! The Pro Bowl rosters were announced today, and the two people who I thought were sure locks to go... did not! Brian Urlacher and Olin Kreutz will both be staying home (barring that they are, in fact, alternates, and that the men in front of them get injured). Going for the Bears will be Lance Briggs, Tommie Harris, Devin Hester, and Brendan Ayanbadejo.

Respect handed down in tasteful fashion, as Sean Taylor is elected to the Pro Bowl. He was having a great year, and he deserved/deserves to go. Why not elect him next year, too? We all know he'd have been there.

*Applesauce not included

The wait is over

We're under 12 hours away from the resurgence of man-God Kyle Orton, and as such I would like to demonstrate Kyle Orton: A History, as seen through the eyes of Iggins! and Code Red.

Kyle's senior season:

Iggins!: "Why was this guy supposed to win the Heisman? He lost to Iowa, he must suck!"
Code Red: "But he didn't play against Iowa you dipshit!!"

Draft Day:

Iggins!: "NOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!"
Code Red: "It was a good move in a later round to grab a back up plan. If you haven't noticed the Bears need back up plans."
Iggins!: "But we have Grossman! He can't get hurt again, can he?!"
Code Red: "Why would you say that?!?!!?"



Rx Grossman: "OWWWWW!! DAMNIT, WHY?!"
Iggins!: "Fuck... did I do that?"

Beginning of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins!, Code Red: "Well, at least he isn't Chad Hutchinson."

Middle of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins!: "He threw 5 INTs to the Bengals... that isn't so good. But we're winning... how are we winning?"
Code Red: "He's a rookie, and we have a great defense... but 5 is a bit much."

End of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins! & Code Red: "So yeah, we're 11-5. But let's not credit that to Orton. Maybe in a couple years, if Grossman doesn't pan out, we can make Orton the full time starter. But we need Grossman against the Panthers."
Rx Grossman: "Why does our defense suck when I do good!?!!?"

This season:
Iggins!: "The time has come! Sound the horn of Gondor!"




Code Red: "He has been developing like a caterpillar... in a cocoon... and now he shall sprout into a magnificent butterfly!"
Iggins!: "And he shall light the Metrodome ablaze with his God-like brilliance!"
Code Red: "Do you want to go to Hell?"





It's been so long. So damn long. I have never, not once in my 18 years of existence, seen a Cubs World Series game, a Blackhawks Stanley Cup game, or a Hawkeye National Title game. But worse than all of that is never having seen a good Bears Quarterback. Please, Orton. The odds are so good that you'll be a great QB at this point that it's more unlikely that you suck than that you'll be good. BRING THE PAIN.

Observations*

13 tOSU Players are gauging their draft prospects, and for some reason people are shocked. What the hell, people?! If at all possible, every player in the NCAAs should look at their draft prospects. Ohio State has been one of the best schools at helping their student-athletes get drafted soon, and it isn't out of greed. tOSU really is concerned about the possibility of a highly regarded underclassmen getting hurt his Senior year and they will help that underclassmen to get all the information on where they will be drafted as smoothly as possible. This is not bad, damnit. This is good.

The Mitchell Report has very little in it that should concern anyone in Chicago, with the exception of one player, Brian Roberts. When I heard that his name was on the list I immediately checked it out, and I find this?

According to Bigbie, however, in 2004 Roberts admitted to him that he had injected himself once or twice with steroids in 2003. Until this admission, Bigbie had never suspected Roberts of using steroids.

So we're accepting hearsay from Larry Fuckin Bigbie that says that maybe Roberts might have said he did it once? I still want Brian Roberts, Hendry. Get it done.



Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are apparently regular 18 and 19 year olds, albeit with spectacular skill at sliding with style around a large patch of ice. Also, they both live in different people's basements. Okay, I want to be able to relate to my favorite sports athletes, but maybe not that much. (btw I don't live in someone's basement, but I do know several people who do at the tender age of 18... oh shit I'm 18. Wow I'm old enough to where rookies are my age! 100 COCKTAILS to me.)

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Forrest Griffin will coach the two teams on the next season of the Ultimate Fighter, and afterwards they'll fight for the light heavyweight title. BY GOD my two favorite fighters NAY... my two favorite athletes are squaring off in a title fight? Hestermas has come early... or late, considering the fight will be some time in June, probably. But the announcement makes me happier than R. Kelly at a 12 year old's birthday party. Simple, balanced equation:



+



=



+



In other news, the Bears, who are so far out of the playoff picture that the Lions feel sorry for them, are busy convincing us that Orton will do better than he did in 2005. You don't have to convince me, Bears. I know how to fear a God.

People I Hate: Montblanc Norland edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who should be sentenced to watching Pauly Shore movies while playing Superman 64 for eternity.

This week: Who else? Bobby Petrino.



I suggest strongly that anyone and everyone reads Pat Forde's article about Bobby Petrino immediately, for it pulls zero punches and boosted my man-love for Forde at least three fold. He focused more on Petrino's personal inadequacies, I will focus more on his coaching.

Bobby Petrino, you suck. It was damn clear from almost the very beginning that you should never have gone to the NFL. I remember the first time someone asked you about Mike Vick, before the dog-fighting ordeal, and you said that you would not change your offense to utilize him. That was a dead giveaway, and it only got worse.

Next Mike Vick went to jail and you knew you had a shitty team. A good coach would have been able to keep his team together through at least one terrible season; all the players knew that with Vick gone they were going to suck. But you made every enemy you could, didn't you? You made the QB position into a never-ending revolving door, not only alienating Joey Harrington, but Byron Leftwich as well, not to mention the fans. Your decisions were so poor that you got into a confrontation with your best defensive player: DeAngelo Hall. I'm sure you thought that you could spit the same bullshit as you always have; "I love Atlanta and I'm here to stay," "My family and I want to stay here, it's where my heart is", etc. But what might be able to convince a 20 year old kid won't fool 25-35 year old men. Your players knew what you were, Bobby. A heartless, soulless, greedy bastard who would sooner abandon a sinking ship to save his-self than try to help those aboard. DeAngelo and Alge Crumpler knew this, and constantly voiced their displeasure with you.

It only got worse. You released Grady Jackson, a veteran who was practically the centerpiece for your defense. He was the core of that team, and you let him go for what? Him being the best of the worst on your team? To me, that move sealed your fate. It was apparent you didn't give a damn about the Falcons or the Louisville Cardinals. All you wanted was results and money, whoever is left battered and bruised in your wake be damned.

So now you're at Arkansas, a place that just fired a coach who did nothing but win because the fans picked apart and destroyed his personal life. I hope they do the same to you, Mr. Petrino. I hope every little dirty secret about you gets tossed around like a Thai hooker. In the end, maybe you'll learn some humility.

But I doubt it.