I Am No Traitor

All my life I have been loyal to those teams which were the teams of my home state, my native soil. My loyalties in baseball have never once parted from my beloved Cubs. In football I watched the Bears even though my first really memorable experiences as a Bears fan were of Dave Wannstedt, followed by the Jauron era. In basketball, always a sport which has never had any chance of moving above the number 3 slot on my list of favorites, I watched the Bulls during the Jordan era, followed them erratically through the glory days of the Skiles era, and am most likely about to head into another period of complete apathy towards the NBA. Illinois football and basketball have been my college teams all my life as well, not out of any real personal connection to the school, but out of a love my native state. In football, I remember Chris Pazan, Brad Bower, Jon Beutjer, and 1-10. I remember my Kurt Kittner shrine. I remember when Simeon Rice actually played there (a thousand Illini football fans who just found their loyalty this season responded to that with "really, we had Simeon Rice?). In basketball I've followed them through the Lon Kruger years, the terror that was Nick Smith, Frankie Williams lard-ass, Bill Self's defection, and the national title run that ended in a game that I will maintain till my dying breath was plagued by slanted officiating. But no more. I now attend Bradley University. It is in the state of Illinois, thus it is my native soil. Its actually only ten minutes away from my place of birth. It is a division one basketball team with a recent trip to the Sweet Sixteen under its belt. While Bradley has no football team, thus leaving me to remain loyal to the Illini, the existence of its basketball team demands that in all propriety my allegiance belongs to the Braves. This is not me jumping from a sinking ship. Bradley is 8-9, Illinois is 9-9. I am merely choosing my school over one that sits in a distant campus that I will never attend. I will follow Illinois basketball still, at a remove, forever holding them as my number 2, but I am a Bradley Braves follower. They at least have already beaten Iowa, giving me bragging rights over Iggins! As for the Illini, I bid you a fond farewell, and I hope that the road brings you back to glory, which, while I shall enjoy it, will not result in me jumping back and maiming Iggins! with proclamations of "my" teams glory. I am a Bradley Braves fan. There, the word is out. Attack me not with your indignation toward Illini basketball. If you wish to discuss Illini football, I retain the undivided loyalty of the devoted fan, but as for basketball, I am detached, nonchalant, and free.








And Bruce Weber really IS an annoying dick. God, that felt good.

BREAKING NEWS: Illini fans officially switch sports

CHAMPAIGN, IL- Word was confirmed today on a long-held suspicion in the sports industry; fans of University of Illinois sports have officially switched the one sport they pay attention to from basketball to football. Athletic Director Ron Guenther held a press conference in Champaign this morning.

"I had a long, well-thought-out meeting with several revered members of the Illini community; President B. Joseph White, Red Grange's soul, and several average Illini fans. After quite some time, much of it filled with reminiscing about the old days of Illini basketball, we decided to forsake basketball and switch our minds to care for football... the fact is, our brains can only take caring about one sport at a time."

When pressed with questions about what his ex-wife's name was, what his second son's name and birthday were, and what he ate for dinner two nights ago, Mr. White was unable to answer.

The mood around the University of Illinois campus was surprisingly accepting. Many had even already adopted the telltale Illini fan signs of blase towards basketball.

"I really just don't care because our football team is so good. Our football team had a better record than yours this year so our basketball team MUST also be better," remarked John Mackins, a University of Illinois Sophomore. When our cameraman remarked that he was an LSU fan, John remarked, "Well we went to the Rose Bowl! And we have more national titles overall than you!!" utilizing the classic "A long time ago we were better so it makes us better now" Illini response.

That very response will now be used exclusively when any Illini fan is questioned about basketball. This reporter remarked to 20 Illini students and all twenty used the phrases "Total Final Four appearances", "Record over the last 10 seasons", and "37-2" at least once, and many used all three simultaneously. Several even told us that Illini basketball had more Rose Bowl appearances than Iowa.

When AD Ron Guenther was questioned about this he said "It may take some time for the students to sort out their poorly made defenses of our basketball program. They are so used to using the, quite honestly, pitiful defenses they have made for our football program that their brains may have to take a few weeks to think up more of them for basketball. Remember, our brains can only take one sport at a time here at the University of Illinois. This is far too much thinking for any of our students to do."

Remember that the telltale signs of an Illini fan include (now referencing basketball instead of football):
- Swearing that their team is better than yours because they were better several seasons prior.
- Swearing that their basketball team is better because their football team is good.
- Justifying their uncaring for all sports but football by repeatedly telling you that Ron Zook is great.
-Breaking down to tears when you reference Bill Self compared to Bruce Weber.

Bill Self was reached for comment, but his only reply was a 60 second voicemail filled with hysterical laughter pointed at the University of Illinois.

Code Red Returns!

and sacrilege for all..

Yes, my children, it is I. I who is the sworn rival of Iggins! I who named this site, and I who have been gone from it for so long. But what must I address, in this non-Bears, non-Cubs, end of Illini football darkness?

-Yes, the Rose Bowl was an unmitigated disaster, but the next Illini fan I hear bemoaning it can just suck a fat cock. Look, clearly the reason you people are still upset about the Rose Bowl is that you weren't actually Illinois football fans before this year, thus the defeat meant the end of something to you. To me, and every other fan who suffered through 1-10, 4-7, 2-9, and 2-10 seasons the past four years, this season was a blessing that no maiming at the hands of John David's Booty could tarnish.

-The Bears ended the season with two impressive wins, and our boy Kyle has given us a glimmer that he may be the man we want him to be. My long held opinion is that an incentive laden contract should be given to Rex, Brian Griese should be cut, a quarterback should be drafted in the 2nd, 3rd, or possibly 4th round (Brennan? Henne?) and Rex and Kyle should duel it out for the starting job while the rookie is brought along as insurance. Our first round pick should logically be a lineman or a safety, but like Iggins!, I personally would love to see it turn out to be Rashard Mendenhall.

-Illini basketball is a tragedy, as divine justice demands that I not be able to celebrate two college sports in one year. Iowa basketball is equally tragic, despite one magical win. Also, where's your list of final four appearances? At least I can remember a time when I didn't have to celebrate my team beating Michigan State, because it happened regularly.

-Please God, let baseball season come soon.

Observations*

Igor Olshansky, already owner of a fantastic name, apparently DO NOT FEAR FOOLISH PATRIOTS. Just a piece of advice for the Packers: DO NOT POKE THE FUCKING BEAR.


TOM BRADY IZ PUNY, FOOLISH MORTAL

UFC 80 takes place this Saturday, BUT WAIT! It will air live at 2pm central time! This is because the event takes place in England, where we send all our least important events. Honestly, if you want to recruit British people into watching the UFC, maybe send em one of the events (78, 79, 81, 82?) that actually involves great fighters. Watching Fabricio Werdum and/or Jason Lambert for any kind of extended period of time will NOT extend your fanbase.

There have been many stupid decisions made in mankind's history, but number one on my mind right now is ESPN's decision to broadcast a congressional hearing. I don't give a good goddamn if it WAS on steroids. That thing could have been about getting Jessica Alba and Adriana Lima to do 1 hour of straight lesbian love-making on camera and I STILL would not be able to watch ten minutes of it. Stay safe kids, remember: Congress=BORING.


I don't care

Terrell Owens cried for his QB. This is not news. After one day, shut up about it, and talk about a GAME.

*Now hatin' 'round the world!

Please, somebody, shut this idiot's mouth.

This is the LEAST truthful article I have ever read. Does this actually pass for truth? Can a journalist simply make things up about anything he wants and pass it off as a fact? I hope and pray that not one person has read this and believed that Mass Effect is about anything he describes.



NOT a sex simulator

Observations*

IOWA IS TEH UBER BETTER than the Illini. My proof? Iowa now has a conference win AND a win over #6 Michigan State! How, you ask, could Iowa have possibly beaten MSU while only shooting 28% from the floor? Two words: Lickliter Magic. Magic that the Illini clearly do not have.


Never underestimate the power of bad ballers in large groups.

Which brings abut my next point, which is this: Bruce Weber is a dick and a terrible coach. Riding off of Bill Self's recruits will only get you so far. I hope every Illini fan who ever had the pleasure of listening to me tell them how bad a coach Bruce Weber actually is is currently crying somewhere for Bill Self to return. BWAHAHAHA I HATE THE ILLINI.

Jim Kelly's son is destined for greatness, having won TWO Punt, Pass, and Kick contests in a row. Hopefully he becomes a successful NFL QB and I can root for another Kelly. Also, hopefully he can win at least 1/4 Super Bowls. ZING!

Yes, I still hate the SEC.


-Kratos tomorrow.

*Now with more hatred for one's home state than ever!!

By the Gods

(Roughly one year ago, in a room filled with fire and darkness.)



Peyton: Goshdarn is it hot in here. I wish I hadn't decided to come all formal... I must have pit-stains down to my balls. Golly jee! When is he gonna get in here?

Door opens behind Peyton. In walks:



Satan, ruler of darkness, lord of the underworld: "Peyton! I was just betting with God on how long it'd take you to get your ass in here! But, fuck me, here you are, not an hour later. Looks like I win, douchebag! (brazenly flips bird upwards. somewhere God is frowning)


Peyton: "Miroslav Satan? Well, I'll be. I always had my suspicions, but you're really the devil himself?"

Satan: "I'm also Corey Patterson, Big and Rich, and Drew Neitzel."

Peyton: "You slick son-of-a-gun."


Yes, he HAS been at MSU forever.

Satan: "Flattery ain't worth shit, son, so let's get down to business! You want to sell your soul for a Super Bowl run?"

Peyton: "In a way, sir. I'd like to propose a good-ol' proposition, if it pleases the unending void of evil standing before me."

Satan: "Fuck, whatever, hit me with it."

Peyton: "Instead of selling MY soul for a Super Bowl win, I'd like to sell my brother Eli's"

Satan: "Oh, now that is some FUCKED UP shit there, boy. This is some straight up Berserk shit. Why the hell would a choir-boy like you want to sell your brother to Satan?"

Peyton: "He's just so goshdarned aggravatin' to watch! It's more painful than watchin the Bears! I feel I'd be doin society a favor."

Satan: "Hmmm. Alright, fuck it, I accept. But selling someone elses soul only works for one year! After that, you're back to goin at the playoffs by your lonesome, asshole."

Peyton: "Deal."

ONE YEAR LATER



Peyton: "Goshdangit. I shoulda sold Marvin."

People I Hate: Media Edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who should be choked to death by Reggie Nelson's member.

This week? The Media.






No picture needed. They're everywhere.

Why? Three Reasons:


1) They assume we care about what they care about. Case and Point: Roger Clemens. I could not possibly care any less about this. Why? Because it has no bearing on sports (*cough cough* ESPN *cough cough*) and as such has no bearing on anything. So Roger took some drugs that made him heal faster and stay at his peak longer in exchange for a shorter lifespan and smaller testicles. I've seen this type of activity GLORIFIED many more times than I've seen it damned (disclaimer: for a pitcher, i'm fine with this. For a position player, I hope they die.). Just shut up about it, I don't care, we don't care, and I'd be willing to venture a guess that even your precious East Coast doesn't care. Which leads me to...


2) They are biased regionally. Normally this isn't so bad because even the worst bias won't cover bad teams. But now that Boston, home of filthy troglodite chowder-drooling fat-asses, has A TRIAD of great sports teams, ESPN coverage has become 70% Boston, and I can't tolerate that. Are they stupid enough not to realize that they over-cover Boston? Or did the tab devoted solely to the Patriots on ESPNNEWS seem reasonable?

3) I wish to work for this pulsating creature that borders on borg-like some day, which should frighten all of you. Yes, I could get into a one-sided argument about whther or not the blogosphere IS part of the media now, but I'd rather not. We'll save that for a rainy day.

Observations*

-The sleep was long, cold, and filled with Rock Band. But now that-two and a half weeks?! Oh my. Sorry about that- have passed, this blog shall rise again, much like the phoenix. But with more laziness and apathy.

-I hate Ohio State not only because of that stupid 'the' they put before their school's name, but because they have doomed me to listen to EVERY idiot with an opinion tell me how the Big Ten is a weak conference. Having to do this for just one year was enough to furrow my brow in genuine malaise, but for the second full year I do believe any man foolish enough to approach me wearing a hat emblazoned with the logo of an SEC school will have to be tortured mercilessly through impure means. From now on, I hate the SEC, no exceptions. I hope every SEC team has a massive tragedy in the offseason, that Les Miles actually has a malignant tumor under that hat, that Phil Fulmer FINALLY dies of a heart attack (hopefully it will ironically NOT be due to clogged arteries), and that every mush-mouthed idiot like JaMarcus Russell that opens his mouth gets asked the one question that everybody wants to ask: "How the fuck did you get to your Junior year of college?"



You will all perish.

-The best way I can explain what happened to OSU at the hands of the SEC twice in two years is this: OSU is too smart for SEC football. An SEC team literally feeds off of the energy of a football game and the only way to acquire more of this essential nectar is for them to release more and more insanity. After every big play NAY after every freakin play an SEC team goes ballistic, jumping and hooting and hollering and flexing his muscles; all because they gained 5 yards. A Big Ten team has no answer for this: it is as foreign to them as crepes and burkas, and when OSU looks at this they immediately assume the role of the bullied and LSU/Florida becomes the bully. OSU tries to understand the why and the how of LSU/Florida's response to every play, and that is their downfall, for there is why or how: it just is. The energy that the SEC's teams put out is a sixth sense to them, something that is as obvious as how to breathe. But to a Big Ten team it is impossible to understand, and that is why the Big Ten and Jim Tressel cannot beat the SEC: The Big Ten cannot be excited simply for the sake of excitement and thus they are at a disadvantage at all times, because every time a Big Ten team faces an SEC team they can never dominate momentum NAAAAAYYYYY they can never even have momentum. And (yes this is another argument in and of itself) in college football, momentum is the most important part of the game.

-MUCH MUCH more to come tomorrow and over the next week, including Kratos and Bears offseason talk. Viva la Revolucion!

*Blatant bigotry IS included, you slack-jawed crawfish-catching, coon-skin wearing junkslut.

I actually really like John Calipari

Holy shit! Wow we played well! I did not expect that at all!

Did we just beat Georgetown by 14? Really? What happened to Roy Hibbert?... he only scored 6 points? Fantastic! I am shocked.

God our guys played really well! I did not expect good play out of my guys! Joey Dorsey! Who would have though he'd play well? Golly he was good! How about our Freshmen? They're filthy little freshman and they played well!

And how about Dozier? Jesus, who the hell is that? I didn't even know he was on my team! This was a fascinating game for me!

How is it possible that I can be so surprised about my own players on the No. 2 team in the nation playing well?! I'm John fuckin Calipari! I'm gonna go watch the game tapes from the last couple of games! I was just spacin out, I figured we sucked!

What a world!

Observations*

Sooo... not quite this just yet.

Underwhelming! Kyle Orton's performance last night was... well it was mediocre. As was pointed out to me, his stats were okay but his performance LOOKED pretty sad. However, at least half, if not more, of the blame should be placed squarely on the offensive line for false starting, not blocking, and allowing Fred Miller to breathe.

Ominous! I'd like everybody to digest, just one more time, the comparison to the Drew Brees and Derek Anderson situation. Kyle Orton might just need some hot shot rookie breathing down his neck to perform. Or maybe Donovan McNabb won't let him have a chance. Either way, BANZAI to our inevitable new QB next season!

GET ON YER EBAY! because FSU has a possibility of TWENTY fluckin player being suspended for their bowl game and 3 games next year. Apparently they've been cheating on online tests, to which I say, HOW THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU CHEAT on online tests?! The internet is right there!!!


Cheating: Impossible to get caught via internet? NAY says FSU.

WHA?! The Pro Bowl rosters were announced today, and the two people who I thought were sure locks to go... did not! Brian Urlacher and Olin Kreutz will both be staying home (barring that they are, in fact, alternates, and that the men in front of them get injured). Going for the Bears will be Lance Briggs, Tommie Harris, Devin Hester, and Brendan Ayanbadejo.

Respect handed down in tasteful fashion, as Sean Taylor is elected to the Pro Bowl. He was having a great year, and he deserved/deserves to go. Why not elect him next year, too? We all know he'd have been there.

*Applesauce not included

The wait is over

We're under 12 hours away from the resurgence of man-God Kyle Orton, and as such I would like to demonstrate Kyle Orton: A History, as seen through the eyes of Iggins! and Code Red.

Kyle's senior season:

Iggins!: "Why was this guy supposed to win the Heisman? He lost to Iowa, he must suck!"
Code Red: "But he didn't play against Iowa you dipshit!!"

Draft Day:

Iggins!: "NOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!"
Code Red: "It was a good move in a later round to grab a back up plan. If you haven't noticed the Bears need back up plans."
Iggins!: "But we have Grossman! He can't get hurt again, can he?!"
Code Red: "Why would you say that?!?!!?"



Rx Grossman: "OWWWWW!! DAMNIT, WHY?!"
Iggins!: "Fuck... did I do that?"

Beginning of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins!, Code Red: "Well, at least he isn't Chad Hutchinson."

Middle of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins!: "He threw 5 INTs to the Bengals... that isn't so good. But we're winning... how are we winning?"
Code Red: "He's a rookie, and we have a great defense... but 5 is a bit much."

End of Kyle's Rookie Season:

Iggins! & Code Red: "So yeah, we're 11-5. But let's not credit that to Orton. Maybe in a couple years, if Grossman doesn't pan out, we can make Orton the full time starter. But we need Grossman against the Panthers."
Rx Grossman: "Why does our defense suck when I do good!?!!?"

This season:
Iggins!: "The time has come! Sound the horn of Gondor!"




Code Red: "He has been developing like a caterpillar... in a cocoon... and now he shall sprout into a magnificent butterfly!"
Iggins!: "And he shall light the Metrodome ablaze with his God-like brilliance!"
Code Red: "Do you want to go to Hell?"





It's been so long. So damn long. I have never, not once in my 18 years of existence, seen a Cubs World Series game, a Blackhawks Stanley Cup game, or a Hawkeye National Title game. But worse than all of that is never having seen a good Bears Quarterback. Please, Orton. The odds are so good that you'll be a great QB at this point that it's more unlikely that you suck than that you'll be good. BRING THE PAIN.

Observations*

13 tOSU Players are gauging their draft prospects, and for some reason people are shocked. What the hell, people?! If at all possible, every player in the NCAAs should look at their draft prospects. Ohio State has been one of the best schools at helping their student-athletes get drafted soon, and it isn't out of greed. tOSU really is concerned about the possibility of a highly regarded underclassmen getting hurt his Senior year and they will help that underclassmen to get all the information on where they will be drafted as smoothly as possible. This is not bad, damnit. This is good.

The Mitchell Report has very little in it that should concern anyone in Chicago, with the exception of one player, Brian Roberts. When I heard that his name was on the list I immediately checked it out, and I find this?

According to Bigbie, however, in 2004 Roberts admitted to him that he had injected himself once or twice with steroids in 2003. Until this admission, Bigbie had never suspected Roberts of using steroids.

So we're accepting hearsay from Larry Fuckin Bigbie that says that maybe Roberts might have said he did it once? I still want Brian Roberts, Hendry. Get it done.



Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are apparently regular 18 and 19 year olds, albeit with spectacular skill at sliding with style around a large patch of ice. Also, they both live in different people's basements. Okay, I want to be able to relate to my favorite sports athletes, but maybe not that much. (btw I don't live in someone's basement, but I do know several people who do at the tender age of 18... oh shit I'm 18. Wow I'm old enough to where rookies are my age! 100 COCKTAILS to me.)

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Forrest Griffin will coach the two teams on the next season of the Ultimate Fighter, and afterwards they'll fight for the light heavyweight title. BY GOD my two favorite fighters NAY... my two favorite athletes are squaring off in a title fight? Hestermas has come early... or late, considering the fight will be some time in June, probably. But the announcement makes me happier than R. Kelly at a 12 year old's birthday party. Simple, balanced equation:



+



=



+



In other news, the Bears, who are so far out of the playoff picture that the Lions feel sorry for them, are busy convincing us that Orton will do better than he did in 2005. You don't have to convince me, Bears. I know how to fear a God.

People I Hate: Montblanc Norland edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who should be sentenced to watching Pauly Shore movies while playing Superman 64 for eternity.

This week: Who else? Bobby Petrino.



I suggest strongly that anyone and everyone reads Pat Forde's article about Bobby Petrino immediately, for it pulls zero punches and boosted my man-love for Forde at least three fold. He focused more on Petrino's personal inadequacies, I will focus more on his coaching.

Bobby Petrino, you suck. It was damn clear from almost the very beginning that you should never have gone to the NFL. I remember the first time someone asked you about Mike Vick, before the dog-fighting ordeal, and you said that you would not change your offense to utilize him. That was a dead giveaway, and it only got worse.

Next Mike Vick went to jail and you knew you had a shitty team. A good coach would have been able to keep his team together through at least one terrible season; all the players knew that with Vick gone they were going to suck. But you made every enemy you could, didn't you? You made the QB position into a never-ending revolving door, not only alienating Joey Harrington, but Byron Leftwich as well, not to mention the fans. Your decisions were so poor that you got into a confrontation with your best defensive player: DeAngelo Hall. I'm sure you thought that you could spit the same bullshit as you always have; "I love Atlanta and I'm here to stay," "My family and I want to stay here, it's where my heart is", etc. But what might be able to convince a 20 year old kid won't fool 25-35 year old men. Your players knew what you were, Bobby. A heartless, soulless, greedy bastard who would sooner abandon a sinking ship to save his-self than try to help those aboard. DeAngelo and Alge Crumpler knew this, and constantly voiced their displeasure with you.

It only got worse. You released Grady Jackson, a veteran who was practically the centerpiece for your defense. He was the core of that team, and you let him go for what? Him being the best of the worst on your team? To me, that move sealed your fate. It was apparent you didn't give a damn about the Falcons or the Louisville Cardinals. All you wanted was results and money, whoever is left battered and bruised in your wake be damned.

So now you're at Arkansas, a place that just fired a coach who did nothing but win because the fans picked apart and destroyed his personal life. I hope they do the same to you, Mr. Petrino. I hope every little dirty secret about you gets tossed around like a Thai hooker. In the end, maybe you'll learn some humility.

But I doubt it.

HEEEEEEEEEERE'S ORTON!

KYLE FUCKIN ORTON will start on Monday night against the resurgent and, quite frankly, frightening Minnesota Vikings. Remember Bears fans... It is always darkest before dawn. This is dawn, baby:



He is MAN. He is BEAST. He is GOD. You asked for it... and now here he is. Throw your women and valuables at him, for no amount of treasure can ever equal him. Cook him all your best meals, for his hunger knows no bounds. FEAR him. Do all these things and unto ye shall be bestowed VICTORY, for that is the greatest treasure of all.

Bowl Game Predictions

The time is near for the greatest celebration of the year. A time when all people put aside their differences and embrace love and brotherhood. A time for healing, redemption, and happiness. This time, of course, is Bowl Season. Yes, the time of the first college bowl game of the year is nigh. Starting with the first game, next Thursday, here are the following predictions for this year's bowl slate.

Thursday, December 20-

Poinsettia Bowl- 9:00 EST.
Utah (8-4) vs. Navy (8-4)
This is an interesting matchup as you've got Utah, one of the most prolific users of the pass heavy spread offense in college football, vs. Navy's throwback triple option offense. This is also the first game for new Navy head coach Ken Niumatalolo, who replaces Paul Johnson, who after six years in Annapolis is moving to take over for Chan Gailey (hahaha) at Georgia Tech. Will the new coach guide the triple option to victory over the 5 wide receiver spread? Could be entertaining to watch, but I take the Utes in this one.
Utah 27, Navy 20

Friday, December 21-

New Orleans Bowl-8:00 EST

Florida Atlantic (7-5) vs. Memphis (7-5)

This is the FAU Owls first ever bowl game after starting a football program from scratch 9 years ago. Other than that, this Sun Belt Champ vs. Conference USA Runner Up game doesn't hold much worth watching.
FAU 35, Memphis 24

Saturday, December 22-

Papa John's.com Bowl- 1:00 EST
Southern Mississippi (7-5) vs. Cincinnati (9-3)
First off, why isn't this just the Papa John's Bowl? Can't we just assume the company has a website? Do they want us to go the website and look, rather than the restaraunt and actually buy the pizza? Oh, this game should suck.
Cincinnati 34, Southern Miss 17

New Mexico Bowl- 4:30 EST
Nevada (6-6) vs. New Mexico (8-4)
Has there always been a New Mexico Bowl? Did they just create one to put New Mexico in a bowl? Anywho, this WAC vs Mountain West smackdown features two interesting offenses, at least, and who doesn't love watching Nevada play the pistol?
Nevada 35, New Mexico 31

Las Vegas Bowl- 8:00 EST
BYU (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6)
This is a rematch of a game from September which the Bruins won 27-17. But that was before UCLA launched its final late season collapse under Karl Dorrell. BYU has gone 9-1 since that game, while UCLA has gone 4-6. UCLA will also play this game with a lame duck coaching staff, and I just don't expect this to be pretty.
BYU 42, UCLA 20

Sunday, December 23-

Hawaii Bowl- 8:00 EST
Boise State (10-2) vs. East Carolina (7-5)
Boise State goes in one year from winner of one of the most exciting bowl games in history to a participant in the Hawaii Bowl. I don't think East Carolina stands a chance against the fury of Ian Johnson in this one.
Boise State 56, East Carolina 24

Wednesday, December 26-

Motor City Bowl- 7:30 EST
Purdue (7-5) vs. Central Michigan (8-5)
These teams met on September 15, with Purdue triumphing 45-22. I have no reason to believe this game should be much different.
Purdue 48, Central Mich. 28

Thursday, December 27-

Holiday Bowl- 8:00 EST
Arizona State (10-2) vs. Texas (9-3)
This game intrigues me, as its probably the best matchup of the games to this point. Arizona State has been pretty damn impressive this season barring one blowout at the hands of USC, and Texas, while I've clearly been convinced all year that they suck, is still Texas, and I will still thoroughly enjoying watching them lose this battle of premier head coaches in Dennis Erickson and Mack Brown.
ASU 28, Texas 17

Friday, December 28-

Champs Sports Bowl- 5:00 EST
Boston College (10-3) vs. Michigan State (7-5)
Both of these teams started off really hot this year, with BC rising all the way to number 2 before falling prey to the apparent curse of that ranking. Not surprisingly this was after Iggins! endorsed Matt Ryan for Heisman. Michigan State started off 4-0 before starting their typical mid season downfall, but, proving that they are in fact no longer coached by John L. Smith, managed to rally enough to secure a bowl birth. This game should feature a decent level of offense and a great quarterback in Matt Ryan playing against a potentially great quarterback with a cannon for an arm in Brian Hoyer.
Boston College 31, Michigan State 27

Texas Bowl- 8:00 EST
TCU (7-5) vs. Houston (8-4)
This game, as its name implies, really should only be watched by people from Texas. But if you really have nothing else to do this night and are watching this game, Houston's offense is sometimes worth watching, and the TCU mascot, the Horned Frog, always looks awesome on the sideline.
Houston 38, TCU 24

Emerald Bowl- 8:30 EST
Maryland (6-6) vs. Oregon State (8-4)
Maryland is the poster boy of ACC mediocrity every year, and this year is no different as here they are in the venerable "Emerald Bowl", playing the formidable offense of the Oregon State Beavers. This game actually becomes fun if instead of watching the players you imagine the mascots fighting, and a turtle fighting a beaver just merits watching.
Oregon St. 28, Maryland 13

Saturday, December 29-

Meineke Bowl- 1:00 EST
UConn (9-3) vs. Wake Forest (8-4)
Don't watch this game. Don't do it.
Wake 17, UConn 9

Liberty Bowl- 4:30 EST
UCF (10-3) vs. Mississippi St. (7-5)
I really want to take Mississippi State in this one, as the job Sylvester Croom has done in getting his team to a bowl game in the SEC was downright impressive. However, Miss St. gives up 159 yds rushing per game on defense, and now has to face UCF's Kevin Smith and his 2,448 (Holy Fucking Shit) rushing yards. I expect Smith and the Golden Knights to triumph in this one.
UCF 30, Mississippi St. 23

Alamo Bowl- 8:00 EST
Penn State (8-4) vs. Texas A&M (7-5)
This could have been a hilarious matchup of senile former coaching genius (Joe Paterno) versus pretentious wanna-be-but-never-gonna-be coaching genius (Dennis Franchione), had Franchione's reign of stupidity not finally come to an end this season. I expect Penn State to throw the ball over the Aggie defense, which comes into the game giving up 264 yards passing per contest.
PSU 27, A&M 17

Sunday, December 30-

Independence Bowl-8:00 EST
Alabama (6-6) vs. Colorado (6-6)
This game features a matchup of two .500 teams, but with very different stories. Alabama comes in dejected after a 5-2 start to the season disintegrated with four straight losses, one of which came at the hands of Lousiana-Monroe. Colorado is simply thrilled to be going to a bowl game after a miserable 2-11 season last year. I think the Buffs come out ready to play and take this one.
Colorado 23, Alabama 10

Monday, December 31-

Armed Forces Bowl- 12:30 EST
California (6-6) vs. Air Force (9-3)
California has fallen ridiculously far from its 5-0 start. With the number two ranking and a chance to seize number one, Cal lost to Oregon State, and since then has gone 1-6 to finish the regular season. Will this streak continue against Air Force? I don't think so.
Cal 24, Air Force 14

Humanitarian Bowl- 2:00 EST
Fresno St. (8-4) vs. Georgia Tech (7-5)
This is another game featuring an interim coach, as Georgia Tech's defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta takes over as the interim head coach for one game only before giving the job to former Navy coach Paul Johnson. Unlike the previous games featuring lame duck coaches, I'm gonna take Tech in this one, because I expect the players to be so ecstatic in their first game free of Chan Gailey that they win this one out of sheer exuberance.
GT 17, Fresno State 7

Sun Bowl 2:00 EST
South Florida (9-3) vs. Oregon (8-4)
Two victims of the #2 curse square off in this game. South Florida probably never should have been that high, where Oregon was crippled by the loss of quarterback Dennis Dixon (Iggins! is to thank for that one). I expect the Bulls to win this one,with Matt Groethe outdueling Brady Leaf.
USF 28, Oregon 17

Music City Bowl 4:00 EST
Kentucky (7-5) vs. Florida State (7-5)
Kentucky has a chance to win two straight bowl games for the first time in its history, and I think they do so in Andre Woodson's last game. Florida State is just too inconsistent to win this one.
Kentucky 31, FSU 20

Insight Bowl 6:00 EST
Indiana (7-5) vs. Oklahoma State (6-6)
Indiana has had an inspiring season this year in honor of late Coach Terry Hoeppner. OSU has had an interesting season this year, typified by Coach Mike Gundy's hilarious rant (I'm a grown man! I'm 40!). If you have a chance to watch this one, watch it, because the two offenses lead by duel-threat quarterbacks Kellen Lewis for the Hoosiers and Zac Robinson for the Cowboys both average 400 yards per game or more. Should be very entertaining.
Indiana 42, Oklahoma State 34

Peach Bowl (Chick-Fil-A Bowl) 7:30 EST
Clemson (9-3) vs. Auburn (8-4)
I still refuse to refer to this 80 year old bowl game by its bastardized commercial name. The two teams in this game, however, are both hard running teams with impressive defenses. I think Auburns defense contains Clemson backs CJ Spiller and James Davis in this one.
Auburn 20, Clemson 17

Tuesday, January 1-

Outback Bowl- 11:00 am EST
Tennessee (9-4) vs. Wisconsin (9-3)
This as an interesting matchup, as these teams are actually pretty similar to each other. Both have proven to be the best of the mediocre-to-bad teams in their conferences, both both wilt against stiff competition. Who gives way in this one? My guess is the Badgers, but God do I hate you Phil Fulmer.
Tenn. 27, Wisconsin 14

Cotton Bowl- 11:30 am EST
Missouri (11-2) vs. Arkansas (8-4)
This game should, on its surface, be an incredible matchup of talent as the powerful Mizzou offense led by quarterback Chase Daniel faces off against the run heavy leviathan that is Arkansas and Darren McFadden. Mizzou should be the favorite, but I think the disappointment of missing out on the national title game and being screwed out of the BCS will cost the Tigers, and I think McFadden runs wild in his last college game.
Arkansas 38, Mizzou 21

Capital One Bowl- 1:00 EST
Michigan (8-4) vs. Florida (9-3)
The journey that began for Michigan with the loss to Appalachian State will culminate in a loss to Heisman winner and DemiGod Tim Teabow in this bowl game. Lloyd Carr will lose his final game as a head coach and wander off into the sunset, searching for the perfect bottle of Scotch.
Florida 44, Michigan 27

Gator Bowl- 1:00 EST
Texas Tech (8-4) vs. Virginia (9-3)
My anti-ACC stance this year has resulted in me watching exactly zero games involving Virginia this year, but my strongly Pro-Air Raid stance will have me watching this one at least briefly. I expect the Red Raiders to finish their season with a win in this one.
Texas Tech 27, Virginia 24

ROSE BOWL- 4:30 EST
ILLINOIS (9-3) vs. USC (10-2)
Yeah, I'm well aware this doesn't look good for my Illini. USC only gives up 79.2 yards rushing per game, which, as everyone knows, is the key to the Illinois offense. Duel threat quarterbacks Have given USC some trouble in the past, however, and Juice Williams has played very well in the Illini's last few games. Objectively, there's really no way to predict an Illini victory. On the other hand, however, Have I ever been fucking objective in anything this year? Why be a fan if I won't show any faith on this one, however misguided it may eventually look to be.
Illinois 31, USC 28

Sugar Bowl- 8:30 EST
Hawaii (12-0) vs. Georgia (10-2)
Everyone wants Hawaii to be the Cinderella this year, as Boise State was last year, and make the BCS look totally worthless by winning this one impressively and making the national championship game look even more bunk. Unfortunately its not going to happen, as I think the Bulldogs will pressure Colt Brennan into making some key mistakes, and I don't think Hawaii's defense slows down either quarterback Matt Stafford or runningback Knowshon Moreno.
Georgia 41, Hawaii 24

Wednesday, January 2-


Fiesta Bowl- 8:00 EST
West Virginia (10-2) vs. Oklahoma (11-2)
West Virginia, as we know, and as Iggins! bemoaned, had a shot at the national title, but lost to Pitt of all people. Iggins! still cradles his Pat White action figure while wearing his Steve Slaton pajamas, however, and for his sake, I'm going to predict a WVU win on this one.
West Virgina 38, Oklahoma 31

Thursday, January 3-
Orange Bowl- 8:00 EST
Kansas (11-1) vs. Virginia Tech (11-2)
Well, Kansas is BCS team #2 that is there wrongfully instead of Mizzou. (Illinois is number one of course). But Virginia Tech has survived this whole season based on their defense. Kansas is a more balanced team, and I'm taking them in a close one.
Kansas 23, Virginia Tech 17

Saturday, January 5-
International Bowl- 12:00 EST
Ball State (7-5) vs. Rutgers (7-5)
This is the last game of Ray Rice's brilliant college career. Other than that, I don't see any real reason to watch this mediocre bowl game sandwiched between the BCS bowls and the BCS championship.
Rutgers 28, Ball State 13

Sunday, January 6-
GMAC Bowl-8:00 EST
Tulsa (9-4) vs. Bowling Green (8-4)
Another sandwich bowl, but the GMAC always seems to provide some kind of high-scoring hilarity that makes it worth a passing glance.
Tulsa 39, Bowling Green 27

Monday, January 7-

BCS Championship Game- 8:00 EST
Ohio State (11-1) vs. LSU (10-2)
Despite the fact that the winner of this game will still have no legitimate claim to being champion, some kind of validity will result from the harsh maiming that Ohio State will receive at the hands of the Tigers. This might end up being even uglier than last years, and Ohio State will officially be the 21st century college version of the 1980s-1990s Buffalo Bills.
LSU 38, Ohio State 13

If Desperation had a Team..

It would be the Bears. How do I equate their rapid decline this season? The Bears this year are like a fancy wooden ship. It was rushed to be put together by the finest designers with the newest available materials. It was sleek, fast, and impressive. A year later, it still looked just as impressive, but the materials it had been made from had hollowed out and become rotten. On the outside, it still looked like that sleek, world changing ship, but on the inside it was a fragile core. Knock a few key timbers out of the way (Mike Brown, Dusty Dvoracek), find out that one's unstable (Rex Grossman), replace it with an even shoddier piece of timber (Brian Griese) and have the ship's main mast (Brian Urlacher) begin to quake with rot (arthritic back) and before long your ship goes from this:

To this:

Now what do we do? Well, there really are no simple fixes. Here are suggestions

Offense-
First off, what to do with the quarterback position. Griese and his $20 million contract are gone, as he's not even a serviceable backup at this point. A new veteran backup will probably need to be signed, though early indications are the market will be slim. The team also needs to decide what to do with Rex. My suggestion is, since he's likely to come dirt cheap at this point, they sign him to a one year deal with an option for a second and make him the tentative starter. We also need to get Kyle a few snaps or, dare we say, a few starts, these last three games to see if he has value as a trade bait or as a reliable #2 QB or even starter next year. My suggestion: Re-sign Rex, make Kyle and Rex compete in camp next year, and then draft a quarterback in the lower rounds of this year's draft to compete. This should be a deep QB draft, and a decent option should be available outside the first round.

The main problem with this offense, however, is the offensive line. Fred Miller, John Tait, and Ruben Brown need to be cut. Metcalf and Garza can still be serviceable guards and Kreutz is still solid at center. But both tackles need to be replaced, one most likely in free agency and the other in the first or second round of the draft. A retooled offensive line goes a long way towards getting this team back to responsibility. Quarterback can be patched up for one more year, our runningbacks have proven to be reliable when blocked for, and our tight ends our fantastic. Muhsin Muhammed probably needs to retire, Mark Bradley needs more playing time, and Berrian needs to be more consistent, but this wide receiver corps still shows potential.

Defense-

Well, the secondary at this point would seem to be problem number one. Mike Brown is done, and we just need to accept that. The Adam Archuletta experiment has failed, and Danieal Manning has yet to actually Make a tackle in his NFL career. Our first round pick, therefore, should be for the best safety available. A free agent option, or anything thats an upgrade over the mess we have at safety, might also help, but both starters need replacing.

At linebacker, Urlacher will play till he dies and none of us can deny him that right. Hopefully we can just shut him down these last three games and give him treatment for his back. Lance Briggs needs to be re-signed immediately. Hunter Hillenmeyer has played surprisingly well, but an upgrade with better pursuit against the run would be appreciated. (J Leman).

On the defensive line the Bears have still generated a good number of sacks this year, and healthy Tommie Harris next year will only improve that. The weakness against the run needs to be addressed with a new d-tackle opposite of Harris, and Darwin Walker needs to be dropped.

So, if you're keeping score, thats two new offensive tackles, a new defensive tackle, a new linebacker, a new quarterback?, and two new safeties, and, on the unlikely chance that all of those new players work out, this team can be back to where it was.

The only problem is, thats 7 new players at the least, and thats one more draft pick than we have (gave one to Washington for Archuletta. Wooo ha.) And chances are, of our picks in the 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7th rounds, only 3-4 of those, optimistically, or 1-2 of those realistically, will be effective startes in their first year. The rest will need to be addressed in free agency, which is always a gamble in the NFL. Either way, chances are that even if those changes are made, the Bears have a long road back to success, and more likely than not the best case scenario for next year's ship is this:

Just deal with it.

Observations*

Tim Tebow won the Heisman. He was obviously the most deserving candidate, so I can't see any controversy stemming from this one. Does the Heisman curse apply to underclassmen? We can't be sure about Leinart just yet, even though he was having a terrible season with the Cardinals before he was hurt. But he has been very underwhelming. However, it is at times like these that I think people should remember that only recently has the NFL decided that QBs have to be great NOW, as in immediately after they are drafted. Let's let Aaron Rodgers be a lesson to us.

Watch a hockey game. It is very difficult if not impossible to explain how enjoyable watching the NHL is without just watching a damn game. The things they do on the ice are nothing short of spectacular. And I'm saying that after the Blackhawks lost. Among the many amazing things they do, pronouncing Byfuglien like Bufflin is by far the most impressive.

Randy Moss horrifies me. Not only does his elbow have more talent in it than the last 24 Chicago Bear quarterbacks, he also apparently owns a cloak of invisibility. There is no other possible explanation for how wide open he was. Also, note to Steelers: they're throwin to WELKER. I can only imagine the stupidity preparing to flow from the mouth of Bill Simmons.


Adrian Peterson is human?! I am Jack's surprised kidneys. Also surprising, tWWL's link to AD's page is linked to the Chicago Bear's Adrian Peterson bio. Are they really that hard to tell apart?

This fight was amazing:


Huerta vs. Guida. Youtube it, download it, beat down Dana White's door to watch it, it doesn't matter. This fight was the best fight I've seen since Griffin vs. Bonnar, no kidding. Also, is a tattoo a prerequisite to fight in the UFC?

*Now with more guanine!

People I Hate: Marlins edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who deserves to be caught in the middle of a fight between 2 pumas, a gorilla, and a grizzly bear.

this week it's Micheal Hill, the Florida Marlin's GM:


Though this is not a picture of the real Michael Hill, it is a picture of A Michael Hill. It also represents what I want to do to him.

Why Michael Hill? Three reasons:

1) He made the most lop-sided trade in MLB history yesterday. Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to the Tigers for a bunch of minor leaguers who are approximately the same age?! Why do the Marlins hate every other team in the MLB?

2) He doesn't have one picture of him on the internet, which means he isn't hated nearly as much as the Cub's GM, Jim Hendry. Anyone who has an intelligent GM is my enemy! However, this trade here may immediately change that, so I might like him if number 3 weren't true.

3) The Marlins are gonna win the World Series in another 3 or 4 years. They won the series in 1997, then dumped all their talent. They won it in 2003 and now they have officially dumped all their talent from that year. Actually, if time holds up, they'll win it in 2010, which is surprisingly likely what with Dan Uggla, Hanley Ramirez, and all the other young guys who'll win the series then be shipped across the MLB.

The BCS Fucking Sucks! What, Illinois Made the Rose Bowl? VIVA LA BCS

I don't pretend to say this system isn't completely broken. At this point the BCS has all the efficiency and competence of the former East German government.

Zere is no escape!

But the simple fact of the matter is that Illinois is Rose Bowl bound. This means lots of things: They're getting better and better, this team finally gets to see if its actually a fast team if it can compete speed wise with USC, or if its just the fastest team in a slow conference, the BCS really, really fucked up, Missouri must have killed someone on the commitee's dog, as the simple fact that an 11-2 team that beat both Illinois and Kansas was beaten out of a BCS slot by both of them is utterly ludicrous. But I'm not going to rationalize this. I'm going to enjoy the Illini in Pasadena, reflect on the fact that Illinois has now been to more BCS bowl games than Iowa, and still holds the lead in Rose Bowl appearances both BCS and non, and enjoy this man's chance at everlasting Illinois glory.

Are you excited? I am. It's a broken system. We could say Illinois doesn't deserve to be there, but in a broken system, what Are the requirements for entry? Illinois has just as much of a perverse right to be there as USC or LSU. This is what happens because of this bullshit system. The NCAA wants us to accept this system for all its faults, and I'm supposed to be indignant because of this? Let me embrace this, as it just may be the straw that broke the BCS warped, MS infected, elephant man spine of a back, and if thats Illinois contribution to this system, to bring about its downfall, then that's the best contribution of all.