Bears 23, Panthers 22-- Holy Sh*t

In 2010 the Bears won a bunch of close games and every single week someone would utter that they "didn't deserve to win." It's become a running joke around these parts that the Bears are always 0-16 in the deserved to win standings. I've never accepted that. This is the NFL. Not all offensive and defensive schemes are built the same, and yardage totals, etc. are insignifcant. In this case...well, damn. The Panthers dominated the Bears in all three phases for 3 1/2 quarters and lost. Tough luck, guys. But once again, this is the NFL. No one's going to have sympathy for you.

The Bears were bloodied and bruised for most of the game. The offensive line couldn't pass-block against the most basic four man rushes for the entire first half. Jay looked hesitant, underthrew an interception, and held the ball too long on back-to-back sacks, including a fumble that set up Carolina's first touchdown. The receivers dropped five passes, including one absolutely brutal one by Spaeth that nearly killed me. The defense struggled to contain Newton and allowed the big plays for the first time all year. No one should act like aren't some reasons for concern, but....

...the Bears came back to win. They stopped allowing sacks. Mike Tice discovered the quick slant. Even when Carolina finally shut down the Bears run game (without Mike Tice shutting it down himself, of course, more on that later), they still found a way to move the ball. Cutler and Marshall hooked up several times on a game winning drive that left me thinking "man, this drive would have been 4 & out with forced passes to Johnny Knox and Devin Hester." Jay Cutler, a week after he should have silenced all of the bullshit about his lack of toughness once and for all, added to his reputation with three great late drives to win the game (sure, Robbie missed, but it was still a good drive). The defense finally made the kind of play we just expect them to make now, with Tim Jennings getting the franchise record 6th pick six of the year. When you look at the numbers and do the math, you'll be hard-pressed to figure out how the Bears won, but they did, and here they are at 6-1 on their way to Tennessee.

The Good:

Red Zone Defense: Hard to single out any member of the defense for consistently good play, since the Panthers moved the ball better than anyone has against this team so far, but the red zone defense kept the Bears in this game. Carolina had multiple opportunities to score the game-clinching touchdown and the defense stopped them every single time.

Tim Jennings: Added two interceptions for a career high six, and gave the Bears the lead late with his pick six. Love this guy. 

Jay Cutler: Everything was a disaster in the first half. Jay was hit (and yes, the interception is on him and so were 2 of the sacks, including the fumble) and sacked 6 times. He was just 4 of 9 in the first two quarters. Jay, however, bounced back. He overcame the sacks. He overcame the drops (five of them. Again. Five). In the final 17 minutes of the game he was 14/16 for 141 yds and a TD. He is, as Erik noted, the best 4th quarter passer in the league right now, and he won the game for the Bears.

Matt Forte: He had 61 yards on 8 carries in the first half. The problem with that is that he got EIGHT CARRIES IN THE FIRST HALF. Goddammit, Tice. Either way, Matt now has over 400 yards in his last three games against the Panthers.

The Bad:

Offensive Line: I'm not even sure who gets the blame for all of these. I've already put two of them on Cutler, and I believe Webb got beat for at least one sack in the first half. This kind of effort is just plain terrifying, since the offensive line seemed to be progressing really well before 11 sacks allowed in the last two weeks. Get it together.

Defensive Line: They got just two sacks and allowed Cam Newton to get outside several times. Not the kind of effort they needed to have to keep this offense in Check.

Mike Tice: What the hell, Mike? What the hell? Matt Forte was shredding the Panthers and Tice couldn't be bothered to run it more than twice in a row. If you want to have a truly great running game you have to commit to it, and you have to be willing to keep at it even on 2nd and 8. You certainly don't go empty backfield on second down when there's years of statistics showing that that formation is death under all circumstances for this team. Also, if you want to mix runs and passes, why the hell do you wait until the fourth quarter to throw in some goddamn slant passes? I know the drops aren't your fault and that broke up the rhythm, but if you didn't try to throw it downfield on every pass you might be more effective at moving the chains.

Drops: Again, five drops. Spaeth's was definitely the most brutal, but Hester's was terrible as well. Marshall made up his two with some huge catches late. The rest of you need to think about what you've done.

The Ugly:

Ron Rivera: why so serious? Who has watched Devin Hester this year and decided they need to be scared of him that you hand the Bears the ball at midfield on nearly every possession? Poor call, Ron.

Cam Newton's Critics: Oh man. Really? You're going to light into him for not running down to celebrate with Louis Murphy on a play where he actually was hurt? How stupid. Cam wasn't great today. He racked up a lot of yards downfield but his accuracy was spotty when it mattered and he had two bad interceptions, but he's clearly not the problem on this team.

That's all for now. Next week the Bears have to go down and face a not-terrible Titans squad on the road. They'll need to get it cleaned up and start playing four quarters of offensive football. They're certainly going to need it in the second half of the season. This is their chance to build that momentum.

Go Bears.

Prognostication Bukakke, NCAA Week 9

NC State @ North Carolina

Iggins!: This is the most ACC matchup yet. NC State just tried to lose to Maryland and UNC lost to Duke, made them bowl-eligible, and tore a hole in time-space. I’ll take North Carolina to win, because lord knows the ACC requires teams who lost to Duke to beat a decent ACC team the next week.

Code Red: I don’t want to pick UNC again. They’ve cost me a lot this year. Oh, dammit. UNC wins.

Mrs. Code Red: UNC wins.

#2 Florida vs. #10 Georgia

Code Red: Florida has gotten me this far. Their defense is very good. Maybe every bit as good as Alabama’s….but that offense. When I saw they beat South Carolina 44-11 I thought “good, finally some offense”...but they had 182 total yards, and SC just imploded with turnovers. Not sure they can score enough to win this one…but they haven’t failed me yet. Florida wins.

Iggins!: Florida wins are almost entirely responsible for how far back I am right now, but… man, if Georgia wins this game they have no competition left in the East. Their remaining games are jokes. I’ll take Georgia to win because I had them winning the East to start the year.

Mrs. Code Red: Georgia wins.

#14 Texas Tech @ #3 Kansas State

Iggins!: Tommy Tuberville has this thing where he beats top 5 teams. It actually seems to be the one thing he’s good at. But I’ll take the old warlock’s magic over Tuberville’s any day. K-State wins.

Code Red: It is, indeed, part of his dark arsenal. But I’m done betting against K-State. K-State wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Kansas State.

#9 USC @ Arizona

Code Red: Seems like every week we get the Arizona or the Arizona State game in here and neither of ‘em ever wins. USC wins.

Iggins!: Yeah, but they’re both top 35 teams, so they keep being in the discussion. USC wins.

Mrs. Code Red: USC wins. 

 

Ohio State @ Penn State

Iggins!: So, this is the first time these two have played since 1996, AMIRIGHT?! Hehe… anyway. How sad is it that these are two of the remaining unbeaten teams in B1G play and neither will go to the title game? So sad. Penn State wins because Braxton got run over by the Madden ambulance and OSU has no defense.

Code Red: So much hatred. Ohio State wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Are you sure I can't pick “neither?” It doesn't matter anyway, right? Ohio State.

Baylor @ Iowa State

Code Red: Iowa State, as usual, put up a valiant fight in OK State before losing. But Baylor is coming on strong with that offense. Baylor wins.

Iggins!: I think iowa State is favored in this game. That is never good for ISU. Baylor wins.

Mrs. Code Red: I'll roll with Iowa State. 

 

#5 Notre Dame @ #8 Oklahoma

Iggins!: Notre Dame is winning games like 2001 OSU. They keep almost losing over and over again. Also, Oklahoma likes to look really great for a few weeks then get stomped. I’ll take Notre Dame to win.

Code Red: You mean 2002 Ohio State, but close enough. It ends here. Oklahoma wins.

Iggins!: …yes. Yes I did.

Mrs. Code Red: Gonna go with Notre Dame. Because I'm Catholic? (ignores all of the previous times she picked against Notre Dame).

#22 Michigan @ Nebraska

Code Red: Oh God. Don’t do it. Don’t pick Nebraska in a huge game again….Nebraska.

Iggins!: On the other side of the coin, the only reason I’m still close this year is because you can’t stop picking UNC and Nebraska. Michigan wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Michigan, although I'm getting concerned about how often I'm aligning with that loser Iggins! this week. 

 

#11 Mississippi State @ #1 Alabama

Iggins!: I want so badly to take MSU. But until they beat Bama or LSU, I can’t do it. Alabama wins.

Code Red: I’m not picking against Saban. That is a fool’s errand. Alabama wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Bama. Roll tide.

#7 Oregon State @ Washington

Code Red: Oregon State is just a damn good team. Mike Riley can coach. Oregon State wins.

Iggins!: Yup. The Civil War is going to be huge this year. Oregon State wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Step 1) Pick Oregon State. 2)?????? 3) Profit. Oregon State wins.

Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 8

NCAA

Mrs. Code Red: 46-24

Code Red: 45-25

Iggins!: 43-27

NFL

Code Red: 64-39

Mrs. Code Red: 62-41

Iggins!: 59-44

Overall:

Code Red: 109-64

Mrs. Code Red: 108-65

Iggins!: 102-71

Buccaneers @ Vikings

Code Red: The Buccaneers just haven’t impressed against any defense with a pulse. Vikings win, but winter is coming.

Iggins!: Stomping the Chiefs is a tad irrelevant. Vikings win.

Mrs. Code Red: I feel like I should pick the Buccaneers, but I can't. Vikings win.

Redskins @ Steelers

Iggins!: Steelers are bad, and though the Washington secondary is garbage I think RG3 scores enough to take this one. I mean… the Titans and Raiders beat Pittsburgh. Redskins win.

Code Red: Just can’t buy that the Steelers defense won’t be just that little ounce better than Washington’s necessary to win this game. Steelers win.

Mrs. Code Red: I don't want the Steelers to win. I hate them because they played the Patriots in the AFC Championship in 1996. I'm not even a Patriots fan anymore (my fathah is), but, you know, old hatreds die hard. Redskins win.

Seahawks @ Lions

Code Red: In Detroit? Lions win.

Iggins!: I’ll take the Lions to win, but this seems like another loss to me. Just playing it safe with Seattle away from home.

Mrs. Code Red: Lions win.

Panthers @ Bears

Iggins!: The Panthers have nothing of anything that can stop the Bears on either side of the ball, except for Cam, and a lone QB does not a good team make. Bears get that shutout, 34-0.

Code Red: The Bears defense is light years better than it was when these teams met up last year. The Bears offense is also much better. I’m hoping Cutler can make some big plays off of play-action this week. I’ll say Bears 30, Panthers 17.

Mrs. Code Red: Duh, Bears 30, Panthers 10.

Falcons @ Eagles

Code Red: Eagles are not great, but I feel like the Falcons have to drop sometime, and that Eagles secondary seems capable of giving them a bad day. Eagles win.

Iggins!: The Falcons look like they’re going to lose, then win. The Eagles look like they’re going to win, then lose. PUZZLE PIECES… CONNECT! Falcons win.

Mrs. Code Red: Michael Vick is in an abysmal spiral. Falcons win.

Patriots @ Rams

Iggins!: Upset special. New England is getting run through by NFC West teams, their defense is bleh, and the Ram defense is good enough to hold them to 21 or 24 points. Rams win.

Code Red: Well, I’ll be. Patriots win.

Mrs. Code Red: Patriots win. I don't hate them, you know.

Colts @ Titans

Code Red: Titans are actually coming around a little bit. Colts don’t travel well. Titans win.

Iggins!: Man, you’re just going to keep losing points picking against Indy, aren’t you? Colts win.

Mrs. Code Red: Frikkin' Colts. Not sure why I felt the need for such emphasis.

Chargers @ Browns

Iggins!: Norv finally seems to understand he needs to run Matthews a lot, and that should be enough, despite a fading Rivers, to beat Cleveland. Chargers win.

Code Red: But Brandon Weeden will once again be valiant in defeat! GODDAMMIT, GORDON. YOU DROPPED THE TD PASS THAT WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME MY UPSET LAST WEEK. Chargers win.

Mrs. Code Red: It's sad that I'm actually taking a moment to think about this. Chargers win.

Dolphins @ Jets

Code Red: Tough call. At home I’ll take the Jets.

Iggins!: Dolphins to take some revenge. The Jets got extremely lucky last go-around. Dolphins win.

Mrs. Code Red: Jets.

Jaguars @ Packers

Iggins!: Yeah… yeah. Packers win.

Code Red: The Packers defense is decimated by injuries right now and it’s just not going to matter. Packers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Guh. Packers.

Raiders @ Chiefs

Code Red: Rhymes with Lady now officially the starter. Chiefs fans hoping that it’s Matt Barkley next year. Raiders win.

Iggins!: Whatever the equivalent of “Suck for Luck” is for Barkley, that’s the Chief strategy right now. Raiders win.

Code Red: “Take a Steaming Shat for Matt”?

Mrs. Code Red: Oh...my God. Raiders?

Giants @ Cowboys

Iggins!: The Giants should be trying to save some face here since they got beat pretty good in week 1. Giants win.

Code Red: Cowboys actually tend to play really shitty at home. Giants are better on the road. Giants win.

Mrs. Code Red: Giants. I just don't like Tony Romo.

Code Red: I don't know. Given the way he played against the Bears I f*&king love the guy.

Saints @ Broncos

Code Red: Oh damn. This should be fun to watch, but you can’t bet on the Saints secondary to suck less than Denver’s. Broncos win.

Iggins!: Something tells me Breesus is going to pull this one out, but the comeback monster known as Peyton Manning tells me otherwise. Broncos win.

Mrs. Code Red: Broncos, most definitely.

49ers @ Cardinals

Iggins!: ESPN will try to tell you this is a game between two good teams. It is not. 49ers win.

Code Red: Based on what I gather from the general feeling, power-rankings wise, from around the internets: the 49ers, despite Alex Smith and their offense disappearing for long stretches and a defense that’s been less impressive than the Bears’ this year, are still better because they beat Green Bay in week one and losses to the Vikings and a 26-3 dismantling at home by the Giants are to be ignored. Otherwise they looked super-good dismantling the Bills. Meanwhile, the Bears basically have yet to be forgiven for losing a 13 pt game against Green Bay IN LAMBEAU. Guh. 49ers win.

Mrs. Code Red: If Kevin Kolb was healthy I might have been tempted to take the Cardinals. But he's not so I won't. 49ers win.

What a Horrible Night for a Curse: Week 7 Review

Every so often, generally at night, and generally during some kind of cosmic shift, Red and I become something... unholy. Something wrong. We succumb to our basest instinct and turn into... meatheads. What follows is a horrifying conversation we had after far too much Nyquil and a marathon 24 hour session of ESPNNEWS.


49ers 13, Seahawks 6


Code Red: You talk about defense! Discipline! Smashmouth football! Is this the best division in football (despite the rapidly sinking Cardinals, the Seahawks inability to win games on the road or score 20 points against Non-Patriot defenses, or the fact the Rams can only beat other teams that don’t have offenses)? DEFENSE

Iggins!: I been so used to you damn kid’s “spreads” and “zone-reads” and hippity-flippity that I thought my NFL died with America’s manhood! But here we have two teams willing to run the ball right into the teeth of the defense, fail to achieve point totals higher than many baseball games, and generally look incompetent. THAS FOOTBAW.

Packers 30, Rams 20

Code Red: Clearly the Packers have re-established themselves as the dominant team in all of football.

Iggins!: I have to disagree here, y’see that Packer offense is too gattdamned gimmicky to win anything. Thirty points?! This ain’t basketball, Packers! I’ll take the mediocre offense and strong defense of the Rams any day! Even when they lose!

Colts 17, Browns 13

Code Red: Boy, this Andrew Luck. You see him running it. You see him throwing it. Might as well slap his name on that rookie of the year trophy now!

Iggins!: Too flashy! 53.6% completion percentage? Stop showing off, son! I’ll take Trent Richardson’s 3.4 yards per attempt this year any day! WORKMANLIKE.

For the Record: Week 7 Review, Jay's Delicious Ribs, and the Abomination that is Weekday Football Edition

This damnable bye week drags on for a few more hours of hellish torture. The skies darken and swell with the tears of the Gods as we await the return of Bears football. Why, cruel schedule makers? Whyyyyyyyy??


Lots of things happened this weekend. STUFF. Let's get to it:

-NFL first. The Packers predictably let the Rams get a bit close for comfort but Rodgers was patient and shredded the second dominant secondary in as many weeks. The Packers still have a weak defense, but... man they're scary when Rodgers is doing his thing. Hopefully he can't sustain his current level of play for the rest of the year. The Vikings rode AP to a win and Ponder had a terrible, terrible game against a good secondary. They'll probably get into the playoffs by picking off every bad team on their schedule and losing to the good ones. The Bengals are last year's Bucs, and they want you to remember that. The Steelers still suck. The Patriots are... mediocre. That's odd. They really should address that whole pass defense thing. I can foresee Miami @ New England for the AFC East in Week 17. How sad is that? The Ravens would like you to remember that yes, they are the Ravens, so PASSPASSPASS ignore Ray Rice Joe Flacco is so great isn't he? The Giants are still the Giants, the 49ers are kind of lame... if Chicago gets a good win tonight they have to be the team to beat in the NFC.

-NCAA second. Why, Iowa, would you not at least try to bench Vandenberg? He is clearly awful now. It's inexplicable, yes, but it is how it is. He will never be as good as he was last year again. I'm not saying Rudock or Sokol would be better. I have no idea if they would or wouldn't. But at least they'd be different! They need to try something. In other news, South Carolina hates road games, Alabama is to this season what Kentucky basketball was to last season: we'll keep thinking up new potential challengers so we have something to talk about, but we all know it's inevitable. Kansas State is pretty damn good. What else happened? Nothing really seems important in NCAA football after watching Bama.


I see literally no reason to believe the Packers are any different than they were last year. The only difference is that their defense hasn’t generated the absurdly high total of interceptions that it did last year, so instead of turnover differential getting them to 15-1 they’ve actually let a few teams hang with them this year. This is both bad and good news. Bad, because oh hey they’re still really good and frightening and will probably beat almost everyone left on their schedule (really hoping they lose @Giants, @Bears, and maybe one more upset to at least put them on the bubble) but good because they have clearly defined weaknesses that hopefully someone will exploit (and maybe the Bears someday if they ever go into one Green Bay game with the idea of running the ball until Green Bay actually proves they can stop it).

I’m still incredibly unimpressed by the Vikings. I’ve done the math time and again and I think their best case scenario is 8-8. It’s going to be a long hard fall. I don’t know that the Bengals are as bad as last year’s Bucs, but we knew they wouldn’t repeat as a playoff team. Then again, the Ravens are sinking fast so it’s not unthinkable in the conference where clearly 9-7 will get you in. And yeah, that Joe Flacco….I’m sure people accuse us of being hypocrites for criticizing Flacco when he’s posted similar numbers to Cutler over his career, but Flacco’s been given everything he could ever want for his entire career and just never goes anywhere with it.

Hey, David Haugh Gets Paid by the Word, Alright?

Today, I plan to carry on a proud SKO tradition by mocking a Chicago Tribune reporter’s outright idiocy in debate form. For my first foray into this territory, I’ve chosen my personal least favorite, noted scribe David Haugh.

In his column, “In the Wake of the News,” on Thursday, Haugh took on the futile and seemingly unnecessary task of defending Jerry Angelo’s tenure as GM for the Bears. The most outstanding question about this, in my opinion, is “why bother?” but that’s beside the point.

 As is custom, Haugh is in italics, I’m in regular font.

Bears 13, Lions 7- These ARE Your Father's Lions

The box score will tell you this game was close, but it really wasn't. The Lions never stood a chance of winning this game, no matter how many unnecessary roughness penalties they racked up (2), or how badly they tried to knock Cutler out of the game. This Bears defense proved once again tonight that they'll shut down anyone, anywhere, and they will punch your balls out repeatedly.

The Bears move to 5-1, maintaining control of the division, while the probably-fucked Lions dropped to 2-4, proving that, hey, Detroit is still Detroit after all. I mean, there was a time in the 90s when the Lions weren't consistently awful. They were just awful the year after meaningless playoff appearances. Welcome back:

Onto the specifics:

THE GOOD:

Jay Cutler: The numbers weren't there, but anyone who saw the game will know why he's up here first. I've certainly argued against the "Jay Cutler is a wuss" crowd in the past, but even if it wasn't already the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard before tonight, after tonight I hope to never hear it again. As long as #6 is the quarterback of the Bears, I'll be happy, because he's a bad-ass mother fucker.

Matt Forte/Michael Bush: 28 rushes, 132 yds, 4.7 ypc. This combo works, and I'm glad they committed to it, even if they forgot it at the goal line (more on that later).

Julius Peppers: He had another sack, but disrupted the Lions on many plays, including Stafford's game-clinching interception. He's got more help than ever now, but he's still the star of the show.

The Rest of the D-Line: They finished with three sacks, but Stafford was hurried and harassed most of the night, and it showed. Shea McClellin had a half a sack, because fuck Hub Arkush.

Charles Tillman: He blanketed Megatron again, holding him to just 34 yards receiving. He broke up a touchdown pass right before a turnover that kept Detroit off the board. He punched a ball out (even if the fumble went out of bounds) because Charles Tillman is very good at football.

THE BAD:

Gabe Carimi: I'm getting really tired of putting him here. At some point you've got to be able to block SOMEBODY in pass protection, Gabe. Please don't be Gabe Colombo.

Stupid Penalties: Several of them killed drives, drove starting field position back to the shadow of the endzone, and made the f*&king Lions look disciplined. Unacceptable.

Mike Tice: Christ, Mike. We've been over this. His name is Michael Bush. He's a fucking battering ram. Detroit showed no interest in stopping him at all tonight. Just give him the ball when you're at the fucking 3 yard line and it's 17-0 Bears and Jay can rest his ribs for an extra quarter.

Ndamukong Suh: Okay. That hit may not have been illegal, but fuck you. Overrated sack of shit.

Matthew Stafford: Stafford was seconds away from picking a fight with DJ Moore's back all night, as he was clearly flustered and frustrated that P'Nut once again took away his favorite toy. Nice turf-face, Bitchford.

That's all for now. Others will say "it wasn't pretty." Maybe you think so if you don't enjoy watching Lovie's defense rack up takeaways at an absolutely epic rate. I, personally, thought it was fucking beautiful.

Go Bears.

Why Do They Hate Jay Cutler?

Good morning everyone. Or afternoon depending on your time zone, I suppose, but as I just woke up I'm calling it morning. Those of you who frequent the Shoutbox know me as Erik, because that's my name and I'm the kind of guy who posts under his real name. So keep that in mind when you go to make death threats.

The good folks here at SKO have invited me to contribute to the site occasionally, so I'll be popping up now and again with cutting insight into just why the sports media is so stupid (and sometimes other things). I'm a writer by trade, so forgive me if I tend to rant. I'm doing it now, aren't I? Damn. Well, without further ado, enjoy or despise my first attempt at matching SKO's quality:

Why Do They Hate Jay Cutler?

After their most recent attempt to bait Jay Cutler into saying something outrageous, it’s become clear that, as tired as everybody else is of hearing about it, the sports media world is sticking to their guns on the “Jay Cutler is an asshole” thing.

For those too lazy to click the link, basically what it boils down to is this. Phil Simms recently said something to the effect of “I like Jay Cutler. He’s got a strong arm and he gets mean. Being mean is an important part of being a good NFL quarterback.”

Reporters at a press conference Wednesday asked Jay what he thought of Simms saying he was mean. To his credit, Jay responded by telling them to stop taking things out of context, but they’ve clearly crossed the line from stringing a narrative together to actively writing it.

In a column he wrote on October 9^th, poet laureate David Haugh wrote about Lovie Smith’s success in Chicago. One of the things he pointed out was Lovie getting rid of Martz and transitioning to Tice, a move pretty much everyone agreed with because Martz was never going to run an offense that worked with the talent he had on the field and Tice will. What Haugh said instead of that, though, was that Tice’s “flexibility and affability made him ideally suited to run an offense impetuous quarterback Jay Cutler leads.”

Why did he need to bring Jay into it at all? The problem with Martz wasn’t Cutler’s attitude, and Tice hasn’t had a whole lot to say about his “impetuous quarterback.” So why is it that even the home team feels the need to tear Jay down at every opportunity? Well, as a journalist and a rabid Cutler supporter, I may have a few answers.

1) He doesn’t need them

As a writer, it can be one of the most frustrating things in the world to have an uncooperative interviewee. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to write “The police officer who responded to the call was unavailable for comment because he’s a big sack of dicks,” but that’s not being professional.

Sportswriters, however, are the big pampered babies of the journalistic world. They have regular access to some of the biggest celebrities in the country, and they’re used to those celebrities taking every opportunity they can to please the crowd and, indirectly, the writer.

They’re used to Tom Brady, who puts on a handsome smiley face and laughs for the camera, but calls his teammates “fucking bitches” on the sideline when they settle for a field goal. The idea that a quarterback not only doesn’t want to talk to them, but actively resists presenting a media-friendly image is unconscionable to them.

So instead, they tear him down. They turn him into a media pariah and have a feeding frenzy every time he looks grumpy on the sideline so that, someday, he’ll come back to them looking to revamp his image and they’ll get what they wanted in the first place.

2) He doesn’t fit their model

This one is more applicable to the Chicago crowd (Haugh, Telander, Morrissey) than ESPN as a whole, but it’s ESPN’s fault in the first place. They started the “elite quarterback” conversation that has made it so hard for a number of young QB’s to get the recognition they deserve.

When it comes to “elite quarterbacks,” writers tend to cherry-pick their stats to fit that image. Take Eli Manning, who has okay-to-bad first halves all the time and looks like he’s about to crash, but turns into the Incredible Hulk in the fourth quarter and brings it back. That’s his story, right? That’s what makes him elite.

Well then, would it surprise you to know that Jay Cutler is the best 4th-quarter QB in the league right now?

But he doesn’t have a ring, and that’s become one of the defining characteristics of the elite QB, so nobody talks about it. Five years ago, Eli was “the other Manning.” I’m not necessarily saying that Jay is better than Eli, just that the sports media will actively rewrite the story on the field if the person throwing the ball has won a Super Bowl.

Want a better example? How about Brett Favre, a man whose every flaw was on painfully public display for literally his entire career. But once he got a ring, his attitude and his inconsistencies became part of the legend. The “gunslinger attitude” people criticize Cutler for was Favre’s signature “greatness.” Not only did the commentators praise him for it while he was winning, they’re still praising him for it today.

They’ve convinced themselves that not having a top-5 quarterback makes you a bad team, even though 27 teams have to play without a top-5 quarterback every year. The 49ers and the Texans are the toast of the NFL this year, and neither of their QBs is even close to the top 5. But until he wins a Super Bowl, Cutler will never be able to break into that club and have his flaws forgiven by a fawning Chris Collinsworth. 

3) LeBron James

Now, you might say, “What?” And you’d be right to do so, but bear with me.

In 2010, LeBron James made a big show of doing something dozens of people do every year: entering free agency and going to another team. While he was a big dick about it, at its core it was a roster move.

The media ripped him to pieces over it. He became the biggest villain the NBA has ever seen; it was like something out of professional wrestling. Commentators went on and on about how Jordan and Bird would never do such a thing, and how LeBron was ruining the game of basketball. The owner of the Cavaliers made a brash, untenable promise (in Comic Sans, no less) that Cleveland will win a championship not in spite of, but because of LeBron’s betrayal. The mayor of Cleveland made the team that beat LeBron for the championship honorary citizens of his city.

And that Christmas Day, the Lakers-Heat game had a 45% ratings increase from the previous year.  People were discussing nothing but the NBA in fucking July. It was the biggest story and most compelling narrative we’ve seen in basketball since Michael Jordan retired, and all it took was a villain.

For an NFL-related example, Favre’s return to Green Bay in a Vikings jersey drew more viewers than game 4 of the World Series, which aired the same night. It was the most-watched Sunday Night Football game in 14 years. I doubt the Packers’ or Vikings’ fan bases expanded appreciably that year. It was the chance to see a man who had deceived and betrayed the town that loved him (even though that’s not what really happened) beaten by his successors in front of the home audience.

And that’s why the media needs Jay Cutler to be an asshole, and will rewrite history to make him look like one. If he has a B+ game and afterward says “Yeah it was okay. We won, and I had a pretty okay night,” the story ends there. We don’t talk about it. We don’t click through to more stories and keep refreshing to see if he’s retorted yet.

But if he grumps at Mike Tice when they fail on 3^rd and long, the whole sports world is talking about Jay Cutler, whether they’re cursing him or defending him. And we have that conversation in their papers, on their web pages. They sell more issues, get more pageviews and more advertising dollars, get higher ratings for every segment of SportsCenter that talks about his “outburst.”

They need a story, so they pick somebody with a grumpy face and try to turn him into a monster. And who wouldn’t believe, when you only get a 10-second view of one sideline incident, that a guy with a face like Jay’s was mean to his teammates?

None of this excuses their behavior, but at least it helps to understand why, regardless of what he does, it’s not going to stop until he wins a championship. Once he gets that ring, the “elite QB” thing will go away, and the people who spontaneously ejaculate when an ’85 Bear speaks will have to quit mocking him the same way they had to glorify Jim McMahon.

No doubt, they would say he’ll lose that game on purpose just to spite them.

Prognostication Bukakke, NCAA Week 8

#3 Oregon @ Arizona State

Iggins!: DIE TODD GRAHAM DIE. Oregon wins.

Code Red: Why do you hate him so much? Man just wanted a better job. This is America, commie. Oregon wins.

Iggins!: Which is understandable, but when your resignation affects the lives of an entire class of students you brought in based on your lies about being fully committed, then all you give them is a text when you leave? You're a fuck.

Mrs. Code Red: Oregon.

Virginia Tech @ #19 Clemson

Code Red: Going to hope that Clemson's got all of the Clemson out of their system for the year. Clemson wins.

Iggins!: Have to take Clemson to win.

Mrs. Code Red: Clemson wins.

#24 Iowa State @ Oklahoma State

Iggins!: So many reasons ISU won’t win this game. 1) They’re ranked. Not sure why. Because they beat TCU? 2) They hate winning games they’re favored in. 3) Oklahoma State probably remembers the whole “You kept us out of the National Title Game” thing. Oklahoma State wins.

Code Red: 4) They're probably a vastly superior program to Iowa right now. Has no relevance on this game. Just like saying it to you. Oklahoma State wins, because Stillwater is a rough place for a team like Iowa State to win on the road.

Iggins!: Nuh-uh!... oh wait... shit.

Mrs. Code Red: Iowa State wins. 

 

#6 LSU @ #18 Texas A&M

Code Red: That Texas A&M defense may very well make LSU's offense look average. LSU wins.

Iggins!: Just setting up another Alabama versus other SEC team title game here, nothing to see. LSU wins.

Mrs. Code Red: LSU wins.

#17 Texas Tech @ #23 TCU

Iggins!: Seems like a good spot for Texas Tech to lose after that big win against WVU. TCU wins.

Code Red: Sigh. Hate picking Tuberville, but can't help meself. Texas Tech wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Religion over science, I guess. TCU wins.

#7 South Carolina @ #2 Florida

Code Red: Have to continue to ride the horse that got me here, but I'd nay be surprised if Spurrier came out on top here. Florida.

Iggins!: Picking against Florida has caused me nothing but pain this year, and South Carolina isn't the same on the road. Florida wins.

Mrs. Code Red: South Carolina wins.

 

Nebraska @ Northwestern

Iggins!: Nebraska hasn’t looked great. Of course, neither has Northwestern, but they have looked at least as good, and they managed to beat Nebraska last season. Hoping the curse has transferred. Northwestern wins.

Code Red: I turn my back on you, Nebraska. I do it myself. Northwestern wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Uhh...Nebraska?

#4 Kansas State @ #13 West Virginia

Code Red: Please, Holgo. Right the ship! America needs you to keep your title hopes alive! WVU wins.

Iggins!: Kansas State is good. Their defense is great and their offense can put up enough to keep up with WVU. Sadly, I'll take Kansas State here.

Mrs. Code Red: Kansas State.

#1 Alabama @ Tennessee

Iggins!: This was a fun game last year, and Tennessee almost ruined everything for Bama (which means Tennessee is the reason for that awful title game last year… goddamn you Tennessee). Tennessee gon Tennessee. Alabama wins.

Code Red: Saban hasn't forgotten that, and this is definitely going to be a slaughter. Bama wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Alabama.

#14 Florida State @ Miami (FL)

Code Red: FSU has also hopefully gotten the FSU out of their system. FSU wins.

Iggins!: Florida State on the road against a mediocre ACC team? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. But I'm playing it safe. Florida State wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Florida State, because my good friend Abby goes there, and it'd be ludicrous to roll with G-reg's boys in this one.

Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 7

NCAA:

Mrs. Code Red: 39-21

Code Red: 37-23

Iggins!: 35-25

NFL:

Code Red: 53-37

Mrs. Code Red: 51-39

Iggins!: 48-42

Total:

Code Red: 90-60

Mrs. Code Red: 90-60

Iggins!: 83-67

Seahawks @ 49ers

Code Red: Seahawks are a totally different team on the road, 49ers won't lose two in a row at home. 49ers win.

Iggins!: Agreed. 49ers win.

Mrs. Code Red: 49ers win.

Saints @ Buccaneers

Iggins!: The Chiefs make everybody (except Baltimore) look good, and I think Breesus is going to will this team to 8-8. Saints win.

Code Red: The Buccaneers are shitty. Saints win.

Mrs. Code Red: Saints.

Cowboys @ Panthers

Code Red: Hmm. Both equally disappointing teams. Well, the Cowboys are disappointing to fans and pundits, anyway. I find their yearly failures enjoyable. Still, I'm flipping the coin and thinking they're more likely to win this one than Carolina. Cowboys win.

Iggins!: Until Cam shows that he's out of this slump, I'll take the Cowboys to win.

Mrs. Code Red: Cowboys win.

Cardinals @ Vikings

Iggins!: The Cardinals are so bad, and the Vikings are good enough to take care of bad teams. Vikings win.

Code Red: Jared Allen seems to be warming up just in time for the world’s worst offensive line to make an appearance in the dome. Vikings win.

Mrs Code Red: Vikings win.

Titans @ Bills

Code Red: Oh, lord. The Bills are terrible and are going to have a winning record, aren't they? Bills win.

Iggins!: I don't want to take the Bills. You can't make me take the Bills! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-Bills win.

Mrs. Code Red: Bills win.

Redskins @ Giants

Iggins!: The Giants showed the 49ers weakness last week more than they showed their strength, but Eli should be able to slice and dice the Redskin secondary. Giants win.

Code Red: The Giants are capable of beating anybody, but the inverse is often true as well. Still, the Redskins defense allowed 352 yards to Pennington the Younger. Giants win.

Mrs. Code Red: Giants win.

Browns @ Colts

Code Red: For all of the splooging over Andrew Luck (and I don't mean to discredit him, since he's played very well in spots and certainly seems likely to be the guy we all thought he'd be), Brandon Weeden's posted very good numbers (for a rookie at least) since his opening day debacle against Nnamdi Asomugah, and his team has more talent than their 1-5 record. Browns win.

Iggins!: The Colts at home are very different than the Colts on the road. Richardson may be out. I'll take the Colts to win.

Mrs. Code Red: Colts win.

Ravens @ Texans

Iggins!: The Texans made some schematic mistakes last week which I hope they fail to do this week. Stopping the Ravens shouldn't be very difficult for Houston if Baltimore forgets they have Ray Rice. And they always forget they have Ray Rice. So Houston wins.

Code Red: Even if the Ravens remember Ray Rice is there, the Texans have Arian Foster, and now that the Ravens defense is absolutely devastated there’s no way Joe Flacco could pull an Aaron Rodgers and beat the Texans. Texans win.

Mrs. Code Red: Texans win.

Packers @ Rams

Code Red: The Rams will pressure Rodgers and ensure that there'll be another week of “What's wrong with Green Bay's offense!?!” even after Rodger's pummeling of Houston, but I can't see the Rams scoring enough to win. Packers win.

Iggins!: The points are the issue. I can see the Rams holding Green Bay to 20 but only being able to score 13. Packers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Packers.

Jaguars @ Raiders

Iggins!: The Raiders seem to play to the level of their competition. Home team here. Raiders win.

Code Red: Carson Palmer vs. Blaine Gabbert. A guy who once was, but isn’t, versus a guy who never has been and never will be. Raiders win.

Mrs. Code Red: Jaguars win.

Jets @ Patriots

Code Red: The Jets won with Mirerez throwing for 82 yards. Not a bad formula, really, but they're not going to beat New England. Patriots win.

Iggins!: Yeah Shonn Greene can probably only do that against the Colts. Patriots win.

Mrs. Code Red: Patriots win.

Steelers @ Bengals

Iggins!: The Steelers are in need of some rebuilding. They're getting old at several key spots, are beset by injuries... etc. Even though they're so damn mediocre, I'll take Cincinnati to win.

Code Red: I foresee a shootout, but a Steelers victory. Steelers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Steelers win.

Lions @ Bears

Code Red: There aren't many teams you can really feel Lovie Smith's hatred for. He's usually so tight-lipped and respectful toward everyone, but his enmity for the Lions and everything about their big-talking, cheap-shotting, undisciplined style of play is obvious. Last year the Lions hit two big plays thanks to Brandon Meriweather and Chris Harris to win in Detroit. Once the Bears worked Conte and Wright into the lineup and righted the ship on defense they shut Detroit up quick with a 37-13 demolition that wrapped up all of the Lions shortcomings with a neat little bow. This year will be no different. They can't run the ball against the Bears front seven, meaning they'll force Stafford to drop back and throw 40+ passes against the Bears defensive line that, mind you, is much better and deeper than the overrated Ndamukong Suh and Co. Their secondary can't cover worth a damn and Jay Cutler has a 10-1 ratio and a glistening 105 passer rating against the Lions in his career. The Bears are 5-1 in the last six years coming out of the bye, and they're 8-2 in Lovie's career on Monday Night Football. I don't mean to rant, but they will destroy these shitheads. Bears 34, Lions 17.

Iggins!: You don't mean to rant? You ALWAYS mean to rant. Bears win 248 to -3. (See how I showed my disgust for Detroit there so quickly?)

Mrs. Code Red: Bears 34, Lions 10.