Every so often, generally at night, and generally during some kind of cosmic shift, Red and I become something... unholy. Something wrong. We succumb to our basest instinct and turn into... meatheads. What follows is a horrifying conversation we had after far too much Nyquil and a marathon 24 hour session of ESPNNEWS.
49ers 13, Seahawks 6
Code Red: You talk about defense! Discipline! Smashmouth football! Is this the best division in football (despite the rapidly sinking Cardinals, the Seahawks inability to win games on the road or score 20 points against Non-Patriot defenses, or the fact the Rams can only beat other teams that don’t have offenses)? DEFENSE
Iggins!: I been so used to you damn kid’s “spreads” and “zone-reads” and hippity-flippity that I thought my NFL died with America’s manhood! But here we have two teams willing to run the ball right into the teeth of the defense, fail to achieve point totals higher than many baseball games, and generally look incompetent. THAS FOOTBAW.
Packers 30, Rams 20
Code Red: Clearly the Packers have re-established themselves as the dominant team in all of football.
Iggins!: I have to disagree here, y’see that Packer offense is too gattdamned gimmicky to win anything. Thirty points?! This ain’t basketball, Packers! I’ll take the mediocre offense and strong defense of the Rams any day! Even when they lose!
Colts 17, Browns 13
Code Red: Boy, this Andrew Luck. You see him running it. You see him throwing it. Might as well slap his name on that rookie of the year trophy now!
Iggins!: Too flashy! 53.6% completion percentage? Stop showing off, son! I’ll take Trent Richardson’s 3.4 yards per attempt this year any day! WORKMANLIKE.
Vikings 21, Cardinals 14
Code Red: SKOOOOLL VIKINGS! Adrian Peterson having three times as many yards as the starting qb is a sign that this team is just built the right way. You have to be impressed by a defense that can shut down John Skelton and rack up seven sacks against an offensive line racing towards history (for most sacks allowed)!
Iggins!: This Vikings team has all the makings of a dominant contender. Great running back! Useless pass game! Defense capable of dominating terrible teams! Vikings-49ers in the NFC Championship Game! Write it down!
Cowboys 19, Panthers 14
Code Red: You talk about the Dallas Cowboys and you talk about tenacity, perseverance, and the will to win. They don’t let last week’s loss get to them, and they go right out and possibly win the next game. Even when they lose the game after That, they bounce back to win the next one, so long as it’s not a late season game against a division opponent. Folks in Charleston (or is it Richmond? Are there cities in Carolina?) have to be worried now about Cam Newton. He just doesn’t LEAD his teammates to victory. I even saw him roll his eyes in the press conference, and you can’t have that if you want to be a factorback in the National Football League.
Iggins!: This Cam fella must lead the league in frowns. 64 rushing yards for a QB? Son, you need to pass at that position! ‘splains why you lost! Dez Bryant looked like he got his neck all snapped up on a cheap shot. You know what I say? PART OF THE GAME. You don’t like having a 280 pound linebacker launch himself at your neck as you are already being gangtackled? GO PLAY SOCCER, PANSY.
Saints 35, Bucs 28
Code Red: That Drew Brees! I tell you, it doesn’t matter who or where, he’s going to come to play. You can really see the Saints gaining momentum now despite the twelve billion yards and points they’ve allowed, and who can rule out another Superbowl run if #9 is calling the shots?
Iggins!: Normally I’d hate that damned passy pass offense the Saints run, but this Brees fella clearly has Jesus on his side. He ain’t flashy about it like that Tebow fella. He even tells his defense to give yards and points freely! What a nice gent.
Texans 43, Ravens 13
Code Red: The story of this game is not the Texans or even who was on the field (Terrell Suggs, JJ Watt, who cares?), but who wasn’t. No, we don’t mean Lardarius Webb, the All-Pro corner who is young, talented, and out for the year even though we have never mentioned it, but Ray Lewis, whose absence (ignore fact that Ravens defense sucked this year WITH Lewis, who is old and ineffective anyway) clearly led Cam Cameron to once again ignore the run and rely on Joe Flacco’s arm. You just can’t expect a team to win with their hearts broken over the loss of their leader
/once again ignores Joe Flacco playing like hot garbage when the Ravens don’t run the ball.
Iggins!: Now HERE’S WHAT HAPPENS when you fail to run the dern ball! You get steamrolled by a team running the dern ball!
/ignores that Texan passing game was far more successful.
Titans 35, Bills 34
Code Red: CJ2K announced his return with a vengeance! Now that he’s back (ignores CJ’s previous 140 yard game this year that he followed with terrible efforts, oh, and the fact that Buffalo’s defense is ass), look out for these Titans!
Iggins!: If yer gonna run the ball, just go North and South! None of this skippity bippity back and forth! And gattdangit, play some defense! This Chan Gailey fella must be a moran! Passing in the fourth with a lead when Jackson and Spiller are tearin’ it up! (Sometimes the meathead opinions are right, okay?)
Giants 27, Redskins 23
Code Red: If I’m a Redskins fan, I’m a little worried about RGIII’s inability to close out games. He’s still lacking that signature comeback win, like Andrew Luck’s fantastic effort against the Packers. Are we at all surprised that Eli Manning pulled off yet another fourth quarter victory? A few more of those and we might stop calling him Peyton’s little brother!
Iggins!: How many yards did your quarterback run for?! HOLY HOTSTICK IN A HOOTENANNY! Your QB needs to pass the…(sees 70.4% completion percentage, 8.5 YPA, 230 YPG passing, 101.8 QB rating for the season)… huh.
Raiders 26, Jaguars 23
Code Red: Ignores that this game happened, except for Chris Berman going “TOUCHDOWN RAAAAAYDERERZZZ” and sadly not dying of a heart attack yet.
Iggins!: This was painful to watch even for me! And I normally love battles of incompetence…
Patriots 29, Jets 26
Code Red: I know he came up short, but you have to admire Mark Sanchez stepping up and playing a great game. Clearly Jets fans need to stop clamoring for Tim Tebow (link to ESPN article titled “Is It Time to Start Tebow?”) because Sanchez played like a franchise QB yesterday. You have to respect New England’s defense making a play when it mattered most (ignores the 500+ yards allowed in back to back weeks to Russell Wilson and Rico Mirerez).
Iggins!: The Patriots just can’t adjust to the newfangled passing offenses of this league! And who can blame em? Me and Belichick both long for the ol’ days when men rammed fullbacks into nosetackles! So he sets up his defense that way, jus’ hopin’ teams’ll play the right way. Gotta love that kinda sportsmanship!
Steelers 24, Bengals 17
Code Red: You can never count out the Steelers, can you?
Iggins!: Gotta love this Dalton kid. No flash! 13-10 TD-INT ratio. 64.2 completion percentage. 7.5 YPA. His mediocrity should be a shining example to all QBs! Hand it off to an-(sees the Law Firm ran for 69 yards on 18 carries)… acceptable running back, and take care of the ball! Good things’ll happen!
Bears 13, Lions 7
Code Red: You talk about a good old-fashioned black and blue division rough and tumble slugfest. This guy…Jay Cutler. Can he take a hit or what? We’ve been saying for years he’s the toughest QB the NFL has to offer. Leadership like you wouldn’t believe. His teammates just believe in him, and it is obvious what a lift he gave them by coming back in. Next up on Sportscenter, why Cam Newton’s latest press conference was so unmanly that it will cause testicular cancer.
Iggins!: Running! Defense! Strap some leather helmets on ‘em and I’d call this one about perfect. You see the way Cutler took that painkiller shot to get back out there and KEEP getting back out there despite hopping balls to his receivers? DETERMINATION. Sure, he may regret that when he’s 50 but YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE DAMNIT.