Prayer for Baseball

Chicago Bears- 7-9. Season over.

Chicago Bulls- 17-24. Season perplexing at best.

Bradley Braves- 10-10. Season Mediocre.

Iowa Hawkeyes/Illinois Fighting Illini- 9-11. Miserable.

What does that leave us with? Our only possible salvation, still two months away. The longest and most endurance-demanding of seasons for a fan. Baseball. In this Iggins! and I have chosen our team well, for we have the all-mighty.... Chicago Cubs..........fuck.

But seriously, they went to the playoffs last year and this team looks primed for a real, legitimate run this year. A run that starts March 31st. Assuming I can survive these cold, cruel, football-less months. Sometimes I watch Arena Football on ESPN. Its like shaking up the last beer can to hope that you can get enough of a buzz to last you till you have money to get another case. I need baseball. I need fire in my sports life. Fire provided by this man:

And this man:

And whatever the hell this guy provides:

Karate? A zen-like concentration? An awesome chance for me to buy a Cubs t-shirt that says "Fuk U" on the back? I know Iggins! went into a catatonic seizure the day the Cubs signed Fukudome, but that's really just because he wants to be Japanese so badly the if he weren't afraid of needles he'd have dueling samurais tattooed on his ass. Really I think this is a good signing, but one must always be aware that signing Japanese players gives you an equal chance of getting a Hideki Irabu, a Kaz Matsui, or a Shingo Takatsu instead of a Hideki Matsui, an Ichiro Suzuki or a Tadahito Iguchi. You'll note that I mentioned the suckitude of a Kaz Matsui or a Shingo Takatsu above. You'll also note that the Cubs SIGNED Takatsu and considered giving a big contract to Matsui. That ought to tell you to be wary of their Japanese player evaluating skills. But I'm willing to be optimistic on Fukudome. Mostly because I'm a Cubs fan, and thus gullible enough to be optimistic on most things they sell me. Especially this season.

Which can't come fast enough..

UFC Time with Kratos, God of War

Praise be to me, Kratos, GOD OF WAR, mortal, for I have chosen to, in my INFINITE KINDNESS, relate to you my opinions on the GOD-SPORT that is ULTIMATE FIGHTING.

UFC 79 went EXACTLY as I predicted, with Liddell beating the UNHOLY HELL out of Wanderlei "THE PUNCHING BAG" Silva. I was NOT surprised by Liddell's total DOMINATION of that Pride-fighting BITCH, but I WAS impressed by Silva's refusal to FALL. From my estimation he should have died at least THREE times in that ring, but he refused to even drop to ONE KNEE. With that kind of iron chin you would think the little mortal BASTARD could have mounted an OFFENSE, but Liddell quickly squashed any hopes of that. Whoever Liddell's next opponent is (perhaps Lyoto Machida, more on him LATER) had best HIDE under a LARGE ROCK because that man is ON A MISSION to fight RAMPAGE again.

The Undercard (You see how I made Liddell vs. Silva the main event?) also went as I predicted aside from the Sokudjou (more like SokuBITCH) match. St. Pierre absolutely ANNIHILATED Matt "BibleBITCH" Hughes, and even showed incredible CLASS by refusing the title until he pulverized MATT SERRA at UFC 83. I FEAR for Matt Serra like no other mortal being. Georges also showed off an IMMACULATE tan, not only defeating Hughes in the ring, but also in LIFE. Lyoto Machida did what he always does and BORED Sokudjou to death, retaining his undefeated record, and perhaps earning a shot at a top 5 Light Heavyweight in the NEAR FUTURE (Liddell vs. Machida for a shot at Rampage/Griffin?).

UFC 80 held almost NO INTEREST to me, with only ONE match being of any IMPORTANCE, and BJ Penn submitted Joe "Daddy" Stevenson in the 2nd round, making BJ Penn, FINALLY, the lightweight champion. Lightweights interest me about as much as do PUPPIES and HUGS and I CARE for them even LESS, so let's talk about-



UFC 81, which will be held the day before the Super Bowl, has TWO interesting matches, and ONE match THAT DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL. PREDICTIONS!!!:

Tim "The Maine-iac" Sylvia vs. Antonio "Minotauro" Nogueira:
Tim Sylvia has a LONG HISTORY of WINNING and LOSING this title (Won from Ricco Rodriguez, defends against Gan McGee but loses title due to testing positive for 'roids, beat in a match for the vacant title belt by Frank Mir, beat by Andrei Arlovski for the title after Frank Mir crashes his motorcycle (and Frank is just now getting back), beats Andrei Arlovsky to gain title, beats Andrei again, beats Jeff Monson, loses to Randy Couture.) SEE? IT IS LONG. The problem for Sylvia will be the number TWO ranked Heavyweight IN THE WORLD, Minotauro Nogeira. Sylvia fights out of the Quad Cities, Iggins! HOME-TOWN, but that is NOT ENOUGH to give him the nod here: Minotauro by TKO in the third.



Frank "I Wrecked My Bike" Mir vs. Brock "ARGH!" Lesnar:
This fight is absolutely TEEMING with plot-lines. Frank Mir's title run was cut short by the MERCILESS hands of FATE when he wrecked his motorcycle, and now he has a chance, THREE YEARS LATERISH, to get into position to reclaim it by beating Brock Lesnar. If you don't know who Brock Lesnar is, then DO NOT tell me, for I will KILL YOU for your TOTAL LACK of knowledge. Lesnar was a WWE STAR and tried out for the Minnesota Vikings-ahem-BITCHES before training for an eventual MMA career. His career began with a RIDICULOUSLY FAST knockout of a random ASIAN, and Dana White immediately SIGNED HIM UP. Frank Mir is battle-tested, but Brock is the WILDEST of WILD-CARDS, and, due also to his ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE MUSCLES, I will pick Brock Lesnar to win in the first by KO.

Jeremy Horn vs. Nate Marquardt:
This does not matter AT ALL. Neither could beat Anderson Silva. EVER. Marquardt by split decision in the third.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, MORTALS!!

Pot Shot at the Enemy

Father arrested for forcing son to wear Green Bay Packers jersey

PORTAGE, Wis. (AP) -- Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

Mathew Kowald was cited for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident with his son at their home in Pardeeville, Lt. Wayne Smith of the Columbia County Sheriff's Department said. Pardeeville is about 30 miles north of Madison.

The 36-year-old Kowald was arrested Monday after his wife told authorities about the incident. Kowald was taken to the county jail and held until Wednesday, when he pleaded no contest, paid a fine of $186 and was released.

Kowald's wife filed a restraining order Wednesday, so Kowald will not be able to have contact with his family, Smith said. Smith said other domestic issues have surfaced, though he wouldn't elaborate.

The boy refused to wear the jersey Saturday, when the Packers beat the Seattle Seahawks in a playoff game, Smith said. Smith said the incident sounded strange when reported at first, but the mother took pictures with her cell phone and that type of evidence is difficult to dispute.

Kowald, contacted later Wednesday by the Portage Daily Register, said the incident started as a joke. His son challenged him by saying he wouldn't root for the Packers. When he tied the boy up, the youngster was laughing while his wife took pictures, he said.

"Then he couldn't get out and he got upset and that's it. It lasted a minute," he said. "I didn't mean no harm, and he knows that, but I haven't been able to tell him that."

District Attorney Jane Kohlwey said there wasn't enough evidence to support felony charges.

"I wouldn't agree with what he did, but legally a parent can restrain a child," she said. "I have no proof of emotional damage. ... I have to follow the law.

Face it Green Bay fans, whatever happens on the field (especially 2 losses to da Bears), you still lose. As human beings.

I Am No Traitor

All my life I have been loyal to those teams which were the teams of my home state, my native soil. My loyalties in baseball have never once parted from my beloved Cubs. In football I watched the Bears even though my first really memorable experiences as a Bears fan were of Dave Wannstedt, followed by the Jauron era. In basketball, always a sport which has never had any chance of moving above the number 3 slot on my list of favorites, I watched the Bulls during the Jordan era, followed them erratically through the glory days of the Skiles era, and am most likely about to head into another period of complete apathy towards the NBA. Illinois football and basketball have been my college teams all my life as well, not out of any real personal connection to the school, but out of a love my native state. In football, I remember Chris Pazan, Brad Bower, Jon Beutjer, and 1-10. I remember my Kurt Kittner shrine. I remember when Simeon Rice actually played there (a thousand Illini football fans who just found their loyalty this season responded to that with "really, we had Simeon Rice?). In basketball I've followed them through the Lon Kruger years, the terror that was Nick Smith, Frankie Williams lard-ass, Bill Self's defection, and the national title run that ended in a game that I will maintain till my dying breath was plagued by slanted officiating. But no more. I now attend Bradley University. It is in the state of Illinois, thus it is my native soil. Its actually only ten minutes away from my place of birth. It is a division one basketball team with a recent trip to the Sweet Sixteen under its belt. While Bradley has no football team, thus leaving me to remain loyal to the Illini, the existence of its basketball team demands that in all propriety my allegiance belongs to the Braves. This is not me jumping from a sinking ship. Bradley is 8-9, Illinois is 9-9. I am merely choosing my school over one that sits in a distant campus that I will never attend. I will follow Illinois basketball still, at a remove, forever holding them as my number 2, but I am a Bradley Braves follower. They at least have already beaten Iowa, giving me bragging rights over Iggins! As for the Illini, I bid you a fond farewell, and I hope that the road brings you back to glory, which, while I shall enjoy it, will not result in me jumping back and maiming Iggins! with proclamations of "my" teams glory. I am a Bradley Braves fan. There, the word is out. Attack me not with your indignation toward Illini basketball. If you wish to discuss Illini football, I retain the undivided loyalty of the devoted fan, but as for basketball, I am detached, nonchalant, and free.








And Bruce Weber really IS an annoying dick. God, that felt good.

BREAKING NEWS: Illini fans officially switch sports

CHAMPAIGN, IL- Word was confirmed today on a long-held suspicion in the sports industry; fans of University of Illinois sports have officially switched the one sport they pay attention to from basketball to football. Athletic Director Ron Guenther held a press conference in Champaign this morning.

"I had a long, well-thought-out meeting with several revered members of the Illini community; President B. Joseph White, Red Grange's soul, and several average Illini fans. After quite some time, much of it filled with reminiscing about the old days of Illini basketball, we decided to forsake basketball and switch our minds to care for football... the fact is, our brains can only take caring about one sport at a time."

When pressed with questions about what his ex-wife's name was, what his second son's name and birthday were, and what he ate for dinner two nights ago, Mr. White was unable to answer.

The mood around the University of Illinois campus was surprisingly accepting. Many had even already adopted the telltale Illini fan signs of blase towards basketball.

"I really just don't care because our football team is so good. Our football team had a better record than yours this year so our basketball team MUST also be better," remarked John Mackins, a University of Illinois Sophomore. When our cameraman remarked that he was an LSU fan, John remarked, "Well we went to the Rose Bowl! And we have more national titles overall than you!!" utilizing the classic "A long time ago we were better so it makes us better now" Illini response.

That very response will now be used exclusively when any Illini fan is questioned about basketball. This reporter remarked to 20 Illini students and all twenty used the phrases "Total Final Four appearances", "Record over the last 10 seasons", and "37-2" at least once, and many used all three simultaneously. Several even told us that Illini basketball had more Rose Bowl appearances than Iowa.

When AD Ron Guenther was questioned about this he said "It may take some time for the students to sort out their poorly made defenses of our basketball program. They are so used to using the, quite honestly, pitiful defenses they have made for our football program that their brains may have to take a few weeks to think up more of them for basketball. Remember, our brains can only take one sport at a time here at the University of Illinois. This is far too much thinking for any of our students to do."

Remember that the telltale signs of an Illini fan include (now referencing basketball instead of football):
- Swearing that their team is better than yours because they were better several seasons prior.
- Swearing that their basketball team is better because their football team is good.
- Justifying their uncaring for all sports but football by repeatedly telling you that Ron Zook is great.
-Breaking down to tears when you reference Bill Self compared to Bruce Weber.

Bill Self was reached for comment, but his only reply was a 60 second voicemail filled with hysterical laughter pointed at the University of Illinois.

Code Red Returns!

and sacrilege for all..

Yes, my children, it is I. I who is the sworn rival of Iggins! I who named this site, and I who have been gone from it for so long. But what must I address, in this non-Bears, non-Cubs, end of Illini football darkness?

-Yes, the Rose Bowl was an unmitigated disaster, but the next Illini fan I hear bemoaning it can just suck a fat cock. Look, clearly the reason you people are still upset about the Rose Bowl is that you weren't actually Illinois football fans before this year, thus the defeat meant the end of something to you. To me, and every other fan who suffered through 1-10, 4-7, 2-9, and 2-10 seasons the past four years, this season was a blessing that no maiming at the hands of John David's Booty could tarnish.

-The Bears ended the season with two impressive wins, and our boy Kyle has given us a glimmer that he may be the man we want him to be. My long held opinion is that an incentive laden contract should be given to Rex, Brian Griese should be cut, a quarterback should be drafted in the 2nd, 3rd, or possibly 4th round (Brennan? Henne?) and Rex and Kyle should duel it out for the starting job while the rookie is brought along as insurance. Our first round pick should logically be a lineman or a safety, but like Iggins!, I personally would love to see it turn out to be Rashard Mendenhall.

-Illini basketball is a tragedy, as divine justice demands that I not be able to celebrate two college sports in one year. Iowa basketball is equally tragic, despite one magical win. Also, where's your list of final four appearances? At least I can remember a time when I didn't have to celebrate my team beating Michigan State, because it happened regularly.

-Please God, let baseball season come soon.

Observations*

Igor Olshansky, already owner of a fantastic name, apparently DO NOT FEAR FOOLISH PATRIOTS. Just a piece of advice for the Packers: DO NOT POKE THE FUCKING BEAR.


TOM BRADY IZ PUNY, FOOLISH MORTAL

UFC 80 takes place this Saturday, BUT WAIT! It will air live at 2pm central time! This is because the event takes place in England, where we send all our least important events. Honestly, if you want to recruit British people into watching the UFC, maybe send em one of the events (78, 79, 81, 82?) that actually involves great fighters. Watching Fabricio Werdum and/or Jason Lambert for any kind of extended period of time will NOT extend your fanbase.

There have been many stupid decisions made in mankind's history, but number one on my mind right now is ESPN's decision to broadcast a congressional hearing. I don't give a good goddamn if it WAS on steroids. That thing could have been about getting Jessica Alba and Adriana Lima to do 1 hour of straight lesbian love-making on camera and I STILL would not be able to watch ten minutes of it. Stay safe kids, remember: Congress=BORING.


I don't care

Terrell Owens cried for his QB. This is not news. After one day, shut up about it, and talk about a GAME.

*Now hatin' 'round the world!

Please, somebody, shut this idiot's mouth.

This is the LEAST truthful article I have ever read. Does this actually pass for truth? Can a journalist simply make things up about anything he wants and pass it off as a fact? I hope and pray that not one person has read this and believed that Mass Effect is about anything he describes.



NOT a sex simulator

Observations*

IOWA IS TEH UBER BETTER than the Illini. My proof? Iowa now has a conference win AND a win over #6 Michigan State! How, you ask, could Iowa have possibly beaten MSU while only shooting 28% from the floor? Two words: Lickliter Magic. Magic that the Illini clearly do not have.


Never underestimate the power of bad ballers in large groups.

Which brings abut my next point, which is this: Bruce Weber is a dick and a terrible coach. Riding off of Bill Self's recruits will only get you so far. I hope every Illini fan who ever had the pleasure of listening to me tell them how bad a coach Bruce Weber actually is is currently crying somewhere for Bill Self to return. BWAHAHAHA I HATE THE ILLINI.

Jim Kelly's son is destined for greatness, having won TWO Punt, Pass, and Kick contests in a row. Hopefully he becomes a successful NFL QB and I can root for another Kelly. Also, hopefully he can win at least 1/4 Super Bowls. ZING!

Yes, I still hate the SEC.


-Kratos tomorrow.

*Now with more hatred for one's home state than ever!!

By the Gods

(Roughly one year ago, in a room filled with fire and darkness.)



Peyton: Goshdarn is it hot in here. I wish I hadn't decided to come all formal... I must have pit-stains down to my balls. Golly jee! When is he gonna get in here?

Door opens behind Peyton. In walks:



Satan, ruler of darkness, lord of the underworld: "Peyton! I was just betting with God on how long it'd take you to get your ass in here! But, fuck me, here you are, not an hour later. Looks like I win, douchebag! (brazenly flips bird upwards. somewhere God is frowning)


Peyton: "Miroslav Satan? Well, I'll be. I always had my suspicions, but you're really the devil himself?"

Satan: "I'm also Corey Patterson, Big and Rich, and Drew Neitzel."

Peyton: "You slick son-of-a-gun."


Yes, he HAS been at MSU forever.

Satan: "Flattery ain't worth shit, son, so let's get down to business! You want to sell your soul for a Super Bowl run?"

Peyton: "In a way, sir. I'd like to propose a good-ol' proposition, if it pleases the unending void of evil standing before me."

Satan: "Fuck, whatever, hit me with it."

Peyton: "Instead of selling MY soul for a Super Bowl win, I'd like to sell my brother Eli's"

Satan: "Oh, now that is some FUCKED UP shit there, boy. This is some straight up Berserk shit. Why the hell would a choir-boy like you want to sell your brother to Satan?"

Peyton: "He's just so goshdarned aggravatin' to watch! It's more painful than watchin the Bears! I feel I'd be doin society a favor."

Satan: "Hmmm. Alright, fuck it, I accept. But selling someone elses soul only works for one year! After that, you're back to goin at the playoffs by your lonesome, asshole."

Peyton: "Deal."

ONE YEAR LATER



Peyton: "Goshdangit. I shoulda sold Marvin."

People I Hate: Media Edition

Oftentimes, in the sports world, there are people who just make you want to kill an infant out of pure bloodlust. Every Wednesday I'll be giving you one more person who should be choked to death by Reggie Nelson's member.

This week? The Media.






No picture needed. They're everywhere.

Why? Three Reasons:


1) They assume we care about what they care about. Case and Point: Roger Clemens. I could not possibly care any less about this. Why? Because it has no bearing on sports (*cough cough* ESPN *cough cough*) and as such has no bearing on anything. So Roger took some drugs that made him heal faster and stay at his peak longer in exchange for a shorter lifespan and smaller testicles. I've seen this type of activity GLORIFIED many more times than I've seen it damned (disclaimer: for a pitcher, i'm fine with this. For a position player, I hope they die.). Just shut up about it, I don't care, we don't care, and I'd be willing to venture a guess that even your precious East Coast doesn't care. Which leads me to...


2) They are biased regionally. Normally this isn't so bad because even the worst bias won't cover bad teams. But now that Boston, home of filthy troglodite chowder-drooling fat-asses, has A TRIAD of great sports teams, ESPN coverage has become 70% Boston, and I can't tolerate that. Are they stupid enough not to realize that they over-cover Boston? Or did the tab devoted solely to the Patriots on ESPNNEWS seem reasonable?

3) I wish to work for this pulsating creature that borders on borg-like some day, which should frighten all of you. Yes, I could get into a one-sided argument about whther or not the blogosphere IS part of the media now, but I'd rather not. We'll save that for a rainy day.

Observations*

-The sleep was long, cold, and filled with Rock Band. But now that-two and a half weeks?! Oh my. Sorry about that- have passed, this blog shall rise again, much like the phoenix. But with more laziness and apathy.

-I hate Ohio State not only because of that stupid 'the' they put before their school's name, but because they have doomed me to listen to EVERY idiot with an opinion tell me how the Big Ten is a weak conference. Having to do this for just one year was enough to furrow my brow in genuine malaise, but for the second full year I do believe any man foolish enough to approach me wearing a hat emblazoned with the logo of an SEC school will have to be tortured mercilessly through impure means. From now on, I hate the SEC, no exceptions. I hope every SEC team has a massive tragedy in the offseason, that Les Miles actually has a malignant tumor under that hat, that Phil Fulmer FINALLY dies of a heart attack (hopefully it will ironically NOT be due to clogged arteries), and that every mush-mouthed idiot like JaMarcus Russell that opens his mouth gets asked the one question that everybody wants to ask: "How the fuck did you get to your Junior year of college?"



You will all perish.

-The best way I can explain what happened to OSU at the hands of the SEC twice in two years is this: OSU is too smart for SEC football. An SEC team literally feeds off of the energy of a football game and the only way to acquire more of this essential nectar is for them to release more and more insanity. After every big play NAY after every freakin play an SEC team goes ballistic, jumping and hooting and hollering and flexing his muscles; all because they gained 5 yards. A Big Ten team has no answer for this: it is as foreign to them as crepes and burkas, and when OSU looks at this they immediately assume the role of the bullied and LSU/Florida becomes the bully. OSU tries to understand the why and the how of LSU/Florida's response to every play, and that is their downfall, for there is why or how: it just is. The energy that the SEC's teams put out is a sixth sense to them, something that is as obvious as how to breathe. But to a Big Ten team it is impossible to understand, and that is why the Big Ten and Jim Tressel cannot beat the SEC: The Big Ten cannot be excited simply for the sake of excitement and thus they are at a disadvantage at all times, because every time a Big Ten team faces an SEC team they can never dominate momentum NAAAAAYYYYY they can never even have momentum. And (yes this is another argument in and of itself) in college football, momentum is the most important part of the game.

-MUCH MUCH more to come tomorrow and over the next week, including Kratos and Bears offseason talk. Viva la Revolucion!

*Blatant bigotry IS included, you slack-jawed crawfish-catching, coon-skin wearing junkslut.