Okay..So the Perspective Thing is Out the Window

....Again. Why in God's name does this happen every year? Is it because people are so desparate for football that when it finally appears in some form we have to overanalyze every little thing? Sigh...A couple points from Saturday night.

-Yes, Cutler threw an interception. Yes, he suggested that Hester could have done a better job fighting for the ball, and didn't seem to take too much of the blame for throwing off his back foot. David Haugh, has a point though when he notes that Cutler had a valid point. Watch the tape and you'll notice Hester barely made the effort for that pass. Oh well. It'll get there. It was the first time those two have ever taken the field together. Haugh makes a good point, again, when he says that this isn't exactly a team cancer taking a shot at a teammate. It's the difference between a franchise quarterback and whatever the hell we've had in the past. Cutler's a damn good quarterback, and he knows what needs to be done out there. Don't forget Peyton Manning once complained about "protection issues" after a bad game against the Chargers. Also, can the second most popular response on the poll in this article seriously be "Give Me Back Kyle Orton"? God knows I love the Patron Saint, people, but did you not see HIS preseason debut?

- The defense is concerning, as always, but I don't think anything should be taken from the 10-10 passing performance by Trent Edwards. In the preseason this team plays the most vanilla of vanilla base defenses, with no stunts, rips, blitz packages, disguised coverages, zone blitzes, or any of the little wrinkles one typically uses to stop a no huddle offense like the one the Bills ran. If you want anything good to take from it, the first team defense only gave up 3 points and got two sacks.

-Caleb Hanie looked pretty good, shaking off 3 sacks allowed by the back up offensive line in order to go 8-11 for 87 yards and a TD.

That's really all thats worth noting, other than Al Afalava looking pretty good as he tries to lock down the starting strong safety job, which would send Kevin Payne over to free safety (an...interesting option), and keep Danieal Manning at nickel, where he plays best.

The next game is Saturday, at home against the Giants. The starters should play the whole first half, and hopefully Cutler will play well enough to shut everyone up, because its going to be an even longer wait until September 13th if I have to keep screaming "its preseason!" every week. Much like I did in 2006 as Grossman and the team struggled in the preseason. It's not like they went to the Superbowl that year or anything.

-Oh, and one last note on the Kyle Orton front. I was able to catch the replay of the Denver-San Francisco game late last night on NFL Network, and it doesn't look great. Preseason numbers are meaningless, but on all three of his interceptions Kyle just plain Stared down his receiver and threw it straight into the hands of a waiting defensive back. Its a concerning sign, possibly one meaning that he's not yet comfortable enough in McDaniels' complicated offense, and he hasn't quite mastered his progressions. God knows Kyle needs a better effort in game two than Cutler does. Having already booed him in practice, and on Saturday night, the Denver crowd is already calling for his benching in favor of Chris Simms. Good luck, Kyle. We shall place a shot of Jack Daniels at the sacrificial altar of the SKO Kyle Orton Shrine in hopes of your success.

Bears @ Bills, Preseason Game One, Saturday, August 14th.

So I realize its the preseason, but I still enjoy it. For once you'll get to actually See Cutler line up and throw to somebody and you can expect the Bears fan base to lose any perspective whatsoever. Remember the 2006 preseason? When Grossman struggled and Griese looked like Joe Montana against the third string defenses? Everyone wanted Grossman benched before the regular season even started, then Rex went out and won offensive player of the month in September. So just remember, whatever happens, as long as nobody gets injured the preseason doesn't matter. That said, it's still football. So, WOOO! MOTHERFUCKING FOOTBALL!!!! WOOO!!!

Buffalo Bills
Last Year 7-9
Head Coach: Dick Jauron (21-27 in Buffalo, 56-72 Career)
Yes, our old friend Dick has somehow managed to survive the axe after three consecutive 7-9 seasons for a team that hasn't seen the playoffs since Kevin Dyson and Frank Wycheck ruined their shit back in 1999. Dick is (most Buffalo fans hope) finally entering a make or break year with the Bills, and they responded by desparately signing the 35 year old Terrell Owens. We shall see.

Players to Watch:
Quarterback Trent Edwards- Edwards, a 3rd round pick in 2007, probably would have been a first round pick that year had he not spent his college career losing game after game at Stanford. Physically he's a very talent quarterback and has made big strides in his first year and a half as a starter, completing 65% of his passes last year. Even an older Owens should improve his receiving corps, so Edwards should have a big year.

Wide Receiver Terrell Owens- Duh.

Linebacker Paul Pozlusny- 'Cuz I love the big lug.

Chicago Bears
Last Year 9-7
Head Coach: Lovie Smith (45-35 in Chicago, 45-35 Overall)

Players to Watch:

Quarterback Jay Cutler- Naturally. The starters should play into the second quarter, so hopefully Jay will get at least 3 or 4 possessions to throw the football.

Left Guards Josh Beekman/Frank Omiyale- While it may be difficult to watch a battle at left guard, just try and pay attention on a few plays to see if either one of them seems to be getting beat more than the other. Right now Beekman leads the competition, but Lovie claims Frank is close behind

Cornerbacks- Any of them. Any of them at all. Throw the safeties in there too. I'm not even sure who is going to line up at all four starting spots, but probably Vasher and McBride at corner, Danieal Manning at Free Safety, and Kevin Payne at Strong Safety. It's preseason, but it would still be nice if they looked good covering Lee Evans and Terrell Owens.

Defensive Line- They haven't said yet if they'll play Tommie Harris, but if they do obviously all eyes will be on him. Next pay close attention to Ogunleye and Mark Anderson. Both are in contract years and Anderson is pushing hard for Ogunleye's job.

SAM Linebacker- Pisa Tinoisamoa/Nick Roach/Jamar Williams.
Pisa's been lining up with the first team most of the time, despite the team claiming its an open competition, so I assume he'll start, but keep an eye out to see which of the three makes the most plays.

So, yeah. FOOTBALL! I don't know if I'll even be able to catch it tomorrow night, as I'm in Des Moines and don't know if any of the local stations will pick it up, but I'm sure I'll catch it later in the week on NFL Network when I'm back at home. Go Bears.

Rick Morrissey, Don't You Get the Feeling We're Just Destined to Do this Forever?

My favorite hack is back today, once more beating the "I said I didn't want Cutler back before the Bears traded for him when I thought I was safe because there was no chance in hell that Angelo would actually make the deal, and now I can't take it back because that would mean admitting I, the great Rick Morrissey, was wrong" drum. Is he attacking Cutler for a future meltdown again? Nay. This time he's going straight after the fans and media.

In this piece of crap, entitled "Jay Cutler Hype Over the Top," Morrissey tries and fails to dampen enthusiasm over Cutler. His words in italics:

BOURBONNAIS -- Rain fell Friday afternoon, and it was almost perfect.It gave the Bears' training camp at Olivet Nazarene even more of a Woodstock feel. If the rain had come down harder, a photographer might have gotten an iconic shot of mud-streaked fans grooving to the hissing sound of a Jay Cutler pass.

Yes, because nothing is more reminiscent of a three day orgy of hippies, rock, and drugs than a towering meathead wearing an undersized Brian Urlacher jersey while watching Caleb Hanie throw to Devin Aromashadu.

This is the Summer of Love, or the Summer of Jay, whichever you prefer. I have been in this line of work for more than 25 years and I never have seen anything quite like the ado over the Bears' new quarterback. And I covered John Elway for eight seasons.

Is that your problem then? Are you, like many Broncos fans, never satisfied because Jay Cutler somehow doesn't measure up to a guy that retired over a decade ago?

Such unconditional love for Cutler! But enough about the media coverage.

Yeah! Take that, rest of the media. Rick's showing off his professionalism. While you're all being upbeat and optimistic about a quarterback showing up for the first time in your lifetime, Rick's being professional enough to attack without reason any sign of hope in order to salvage some half assed proclamation he made back in March that the Bears were better off without Cutler.

To be fair, I was not in Denver for Elway's rookie season, when one newspaper ran a regular update that included what he ate each meal during training camp. I'm afraid I've just given sports editors in Chicago a new idea: J.C.'s Daily Bread.

So you weren't in Denver when they treated their new franchise quarterback the same way Bears fans are now treating Cutler, but you feel the need to rail against the fanbase like they're the first ones to ever act this way over a new quarterback?

Everybody seems to be giddy about Cutler. Radio interviews with him have turned into giggle-fests. Questions to other players about the quarterback start with, "How amazed are you by ..." I wish an athlete just once would respond to that sort of query with, "I'm about a half of 1 percent amazed" or "Not amazed at all; I've seen better."

Except they haven't.

The reason for the enthusiasm surrounding Cutler is obvious. The Bears haven't had a good quarterback in a long time. And his arm seems to be fitted with a hydraulic slingshot. But if I might be the fly in the Kool-Aid, let's see what this guy can do in, you know, a real game before we crown him the next Peyton Manning.

I love this part. "Let's see what he can do in a real game." Cutler isn't Matthew Stafford. Hell, he's not even Rex Grossman before 2006. He's got 2 1/2 full seasons of experience where he's PROVEN he can play in the NFL. Also- Manning through his first 37 starts-

782 comp./1315 att., 59.5% Comp., 9,475 yds, 7.2 ypa, 63 tds, 50 ints, 81.7 Rating.

Cutler through his first 37 starts-

762 comp./1220 att., 62.5% Comp., 9,024 yds, 7.4 ypa, 54 tds, 37 ints, 87.1 Rating.

Hmm. Interesting. Cutler has a better comp. %, better yards per attempt, and a better TD-Int Ratio. Not to say that Jay will Be the next Peyton Manning, but it does seem like a reasonable comparison.

"It's real exciting," wide receiver Brandon Rideau said. "We have a Pro Bowl quarterback in, so everybody in town is excited about it. We're excited. We just want to make sure we can come in and live up to what we expect of ourselves."

Over and over again, players, fans and media members have referred to Cutler as a Pro Bowl quarterback. If by saying he's a Pro Bowl quarterback you mean he has gone to one Pro Bowl, then, yes, he's a Pro Bowl quarterback. That makes Marty Booker a Pro Bowl wide receiver because he was selected for the game in 2002.

That's exactly what we mean by saying he's a Pro Bowl quarterback. We'd sure look like idiots if he Hadn't gone to one, wouldn't we? Also, there's a statute of limitations on this shit, Rick. I'm quite sure I distinctly remember hearing Marty Booker referred to in 2003 as a "Pro Bowl Wide Receiver." If Jay doesn't go this year, or hasn't gone in 7 years, we won't still call him that, now will we? My God, could you be any more of a pessimistic little shit?

Thousands of fans stood in the rain Friday and oohed and aahed as Cutler completed passes to receivers who were running routes without defenders. When the defense did get on the field, Rideau made some nice catches. That immediately raised his stock to somewhere in the Jerry Rice stratus.

Oh yeah, because I've heard plenty of Bears fans salivating over Rideau. Maybe their just salivating over the fact that they have a quarterback who can get the ball to anybody who has got two hands. If he does that enough times, the yards will come, no matter who is back there.

The assumption, apparently, is that Cutler is so good he's going to make all the receivers around him good too. That must have been general manager Jerry Angelo's thinking because he didn't land any veteran wide receivers in the off-season.

Sigh. We went over this last time, Rick:

"Like I pointed out in my Cutler article, there are plenty of precedents for team's that can make the playoffs without great wide receivers, so long as there are options like tight ends or runningbacks."

Unless Cutler cures cancer and gets "Jon & Kate Plus 8" canceled, I don't see how he possibly can live up to the hype.

Or gives the team a consistent and effective passing game for the first time since Truman was in office. Or takes the team deep into the playoffs. Or someday wins a Superbowl. I hate when guys like Morrissey act like Cutler's a one year acquisition and Bears fans will riot if they don't win the Superbowl THIS YEAR. What I'M excited about is the fact that he's 26 fucking years old and should be firing touchdowns for a decade.

Some of the gushing is because of the inevitable excitement that comes with change. We have seen it before with coaching changes. The new coach is the breath of fresh air who invigorates everything. The former coach could siphon the fun out of a grammar-school snow day. That's how it works. Thus, Cutler now is the embodiment of all that is good in the world, at least in Chicago.

And Rick Morrissey is the embodiment of everything wrong with sportswriting today.

And he has gotten into the comparison game, telling WMVP-AM last week that Bears fans are better than Broncos fans.

"It's a lot [different]," he said. "Denver's like a 6 and Chicago's like a 9. It's quite a bit different. Just the fans and how passionate they are, that's probably the biggest difference."

Somebody needs to put an arm around Cutler and tell him that, according to the Broncos' Web site, the waiting list for their season tickets has 28,000 names on it and that the estimated wait is 13 to 15 years.

I'm thinking Cutler was more referring to the fact that 11,000 fans have been showing up per day to Bears training camp, and the Broncos can't even accomodate more than 6,000. And yes, nice job, Broncos season ticket holders. You're a brilliant contrast to the vacant, empty Soldier Field we see on Sundays every year.

The Broncos struggled down the stretch last season, losing their last three games when all they needed was one victory to earn a playoff berth. Cutler did not play well in those games. But that was last year, and Da Coach said living in the past is for cowards, gang.

True, Cutler played fairly mediocre, albeit not awful, in those three games. Not that it mattered, however, when their defense gave up a whopping 37 ppg in those three contests. But way to leave that part out and try to heap all of the blame on Cutler, you disingenuous prick.

The present, at least here in Bourbonnais, is so shiny, it's hardly recognizable. Caught up as I am in Cutler Mania, I have the Bears improving by one victory to 10-6 this year. But wait a second. Some experts are picking them to go 8-8. Does this make me Mr. Positive? I think it does.

Yep. And the year the Bears went to the Superbowl in 2006, SI had them going 9-7 and finishing second while the Dolphins and the Panthers played in the Superbowl. My point? The national media's predictions about the Bears are usually pointless, but just to contradict Mr. Morrissey, Football Outsiders and Athlon Sports are just two of the more comprehensive, stat based groups that have predicted the Bears to win the North.

In any case, Bears players are excited too.

How dare they not quake in fear of Morrissey's prophecies of DOOM?!

"He's an amazing quarterback," center Olin Kreutz said. "He opens up the offense. ... The defense doesn't know where the ball is going. Sometimes we don't know where the ball is going."

Odd. He wasn't even set up by a giggly sports personality to say that.

We don't know where the hype is going either.

Wherever it goes, can you just go somewhere else? Somewhere far, far away?

Go to hell, Rick Morrissey.

The Roster of Broken Dreams, Bears Edition- The Defense!

Following the offense on Friday, here are the defensive players for our All Bears Draft Bust Team-

Defensive End- It all starts up front for this defense, with the edge rushers. The great Bears teams of the 1980s, and the two Lovie Smith playoffs teams of 2005 and 2006 were all built around pressure from the front four. The Bears have still had some whopping busts on the line, including our three man rotation at defensive end-

Right Defensive End- Alonzo Spellman. The last first round pick of the Ditka regime was Ohio State sack artist Alonzo Spellman, with the 22nd pick in 1992. Spellman was drafted to replace the aging Richard Dent. Spellman failed to ever even come Close to the numbers Dent put up in his time in Chicago, never registering more than 8.5 sacks in one season (and even in that career year he did much of his damage in just one game, with three sacks against Philadelphia). Spellman would often disappear for stretches at a time, often going months without a sack before reeling off a good game or two. After suffering from injuries and ineffectiveness during the 1997 season, Spellman was released by the Bears. After sitting out the 1998 season, he played three more seasons with the Cowboys and Lions before being released in 2001. Spellman has become known more for his erratic personality and bipolar disorder than his career as a football player, some excerpts (straight from ol' Wikipedia):

"Spellman exhibited erratic behavior during his time with the Bears. The first incident in which this behavior became public was in March 1998, in which Spellman became enraged when a doctor was late for an appointment, pulling a telephone off of a wall and threatening suicide. Complicating matters, Spellman had access to alcohol and a firearm and by this time weighed in the neighborhood of 300 lbs (136 kg). Authorities were called in, and friend and former teammate Mike Singletary helped get Spellman to check into a hospital, but Spellman later wandered out of the hospital.[1]"

"Spellman was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but refused to take medication, instead becoming increasingly reliant on drugs and alcohol. This led to even more erratic behavior and run-ins with the law. These problems, along with his refusal to undergo arthroscopic surgery on his injured shoulder, led to Spellman's release by the Bears."

"Most notably, he had a manic episode on July 23, 2002 in which he disrupted a flight from Cincinnati to Philadelphia. Spellman initially suggested that the flight was going to crash, then became verbally abusive to other passengers and threatened members of the flight crew.[1] The plane was forced to make an emergency landing. Spellman was released, but then destroyed some property at his brother's home and was taken to a psychiatric hospital. He was later arrested on charges of interference with a flight crew.[3] Although doctors confirmed that he had bipolar disorder, Spellman was determined to be legally sane and spent 18 months in federal prison."

"Spellman was arrested again[5] on January 29, 2008 after leading authorities on a pursuit after being involved in an apparent altercation at a Tulsa, Oklahoma convenience store. The chase ended after three of the tires on Spellman's car were deflated by stop sticks and pepper-spray pellets were fired after Spellman refused to get out of the vehicle."

Since leaving the NFL Spellman has played in the Arena Football League and has also participated in Mixed Martial Arts.


Left Defensive End- John Thierry. The man who was intended to be Spellman's long term book end is indeed his companion on this team. With the 11th overall pick in the 1994 Draft, Dave Wannstedt snagged linebacker John Thierry from 1-AA Alcorn State, with the intention of turning him into a defensive end. Wannstedt claimed that Thierry could be "the next Charles Haley." I'm going to link to Charles Haley's numbers here. Click on Thierry's namelink, then on the Haley link. Go ahead and compare the stats. I'll wait. Back yet? Hurts, don't it? Instead of become a pass rushing force with 6 seasons of double digit sacks like Haley, Thierry became a monumental bust, who never cracked the starting lineup for more than 9 games in a season or registered more than 4.0 sacks as a Bear. After finally being chased out of town with his hair-lipped head coach following the 1998 season, Thierry wound up in Cleveland, then Green Bay, where he posted better numbers in both cities than he ever did in Chicago. Asshole.


2nd String- Dan Bazuin. You'll notice, if you click the link, that a search for Dan Bazuin on the all-knowing Pro-Football-Reference.com returns no answers. That's because Bazuin, the Bears 2nd round pick in the 2007 draft out of Central Michigan, never played a single down in the NFL. After registering 33.5 sacks in his highly productive college career, Bazuin injured his knee during his first NFL preseason. When the injury required a second surgery, Bazuin was released by the Bears. After failing to make it as a practice squad member of the Houston Texans, Bazuin was informed by doctors that he'd never be able to play football again, and he promptly retired.


Defensive Tackle- Just as important as the defensive ends, the Bears have had some great success drafting either spectacular or solid defensive tackles in my lifetime, players like Tommie Harris, Chris Zorich, and Jim Flanigan. That doesn't excuse them of a few of the mistakes they've made, however.

Nose Guard- Tank Johnson. Johnson, of course, makes this list more for his off-field than on field activities. Drafted in the 2nd round of the 2004 draft, Johnson was supposed to pair with that year's first round pick, Tommie Harris, and provide the Bears with an unstoppable duo of tackles for years to come. At first Tank's greatest challenge was cracking the starting lineup, which he failed to do consistently until an injury to Tommie Harris in 2006. Then Johnson suffered his series of run ins with the law, culminating in a house arrest that required Johnson to get a special dispensation so that he could participate in the Superbowl in Miami. The full details of Johnson's troubles with the law are compiled here, and it would take up far too much room to copy and paste. If you're not willing to read all that, here's a brief synopsis: he was arrested for illegal firearms, assault, resisting arrest, reckless driving, and driving while intoxicated, his house was searched and found to full of loaded, illegal weapons (there were children in the house), his friend and bodyguard was found in the house and arrested for pot. That same bodyguard then got shot and killed. Then after the 2006 Tank was arrested once more and finally released by the Bears, having played just three seasons for the team. He started just 15 games during that span, and record just 9 sacks. After being cut by the Bears, he spent 2007 and 2008 as a back up with the Cowboys before joining fellow bust Cedric Benson with the Bengals this offseason.


Nose Tackle-Michael Haynes. The other half of the Bear's two picks in the first round of the 2003 draft (Haynes went 14th overall, Grossman went 22nd) also makes this list. Haynes, a defensive end out of Penn State, was a one year wonder who racked up 15 sacks his senior year. After being taken by the Bears he failed to start a single game his rookie year or challenge Alex Brown for playing time. When Lovie Smith brought the Tampa 2 defense with him to Chicago, Haynes found himself a poor fit for the scheme. The Bears moved Haynes to defensive tackle (which is why he occupies this spot on the list), but he still failed to make a significant impact. He was traded to the Saints after the 2005 season after starting just 4 games and registering only 5.5 sacks in three years. The Saints released him after just one game, and he's been out of football since 2007.


Linebacker- At linebacker the Bears have hit on some great picks over the last few decades, from Rosevelt Colvin and Warrick Holdman to Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs. But they've made their fair share of mistakes at this position, and the defenses throughout much of the 1990s suffered because of two of three picks that make this team.

SLB- Ron Cox. A 2nd round pick in the 1990 draft, Cox spend 5 of his 7 seasons in Chicago in a reserve role, and never started more than 13 games in a season, made more than 56 tackles, had more than 3 sacks, and recorded only 1 career interception.


MLB- Dante Jones. The Bears second round pick in the 1988 draft, Jones spent his first five seasons riding the bench behind Hall of Famer Mike Singletary. Jones stepped finally stepped into the starting spot in 1993, and had a monster season, with 189 tackles, 4 interceptions, and a sack. Too bad he was a one year wonder and dropped to just 61 tackles with no sacks or interceptions before being benched in 1994. He was released after that season.


WLB-Michael Okwo. Much like his fellow 2007 draft pick, Dan Bazuin, a Pro-Football-Reference.com search for Dan Bazuin returns no results, because Okwo has also never played a single NFL down. The '07 third round pick from Stanford was also injured during his first preseason, required multiple surgeries, and was cut by the Bears before the 2008 season. He's currently a free agent.

Corner- The Bears have only drafted two first round corners since 1988 (Donnell Woolford and Walt Harris), and while neither one was spectacular, both were quality players, so there haven't been any Major draft whiffs at this position in my lifetime. They've even gotten good value from the corners they've drafted in the 2nd round in that time (Tillman and Hester, although Hester has obviously made his mark somewhere Other than corner). So that makes the two "busts" at this position merely two mediocre players-

LCB- Roosevelt Williams. A third round pick out of Tuskegee in 2002, Williams played in just 13 games (2 starts) for the Bears in 2002 with 9 tackles, 0 interceptions, and no pass deflections before being released after the 2002 season.

RCB- Jeremy Lincoln. A third round pick out of Tennessee in 1992, Lincoln started for just 2 1/2 seasons and was mostly pedestrian in pass coverage, recording only 5 interceptions in 47 games. He was cut before the 1996 season.

Safety- The Bears have drafted fairly well at the safety position the last two decades, drafting a couple Pro Bowlers (Mark Carrier, Mike Brown) and several guys who were at least of starting quality (Tony Parrish, Mike Green, and Chris Harris). The jury is still out on guys like Kevin Payne, and thus I'm forced to make some tough decisions at safety. Including...

FS- Danieal Manning. Drafted as a free safety out of Abilene Christian in 2006 (2nd round), Manning supplanted the aforementioned Chris Harris as the starter during the 2006 season. He was inconsistent at best (and a poor tackler), and he was moved to corner, then nickel, where's he's been inconsistent at best (and a poor tackler), with just 5 interceptions and 17 pass deflections in 46 career games. This year he's expected to start at free safety again (but play nickelback in passing situations). Hopefully he'll play his way off this list by being more consistent (and learning how to tackle. Did I mention he's a really bad tackler?).

SS- Todd Johnson. A 4th round pick out of Florida in the 2003 draft, Johnson was a prodigious hitter, but a poor fundamental player who missed as many tackles as he made and hasn't recorded a single interception in his 5 year career (3 years in Chicago, 2 in St. Louis). He was cut after the 2006 season.


Special Teams-

Punter- Todd Sauerbrun. You do not draft punters. If you do, don't draft them in the second round. To illustrate my point, in the entire 20 year time span that this covers, there have been only 16 punters drafted in the 4th round or higher. Only One of those was taken as high as the second round, and that was Todd. Apparently deciding the Bears had no greater needs (hint: they did), Dave Wannstedt in all his brilliance decided to spend the 56th overall pick in the 1995 draft on Todd Sauerbrun. It doesn't really matter what Sauerbrun has done with his long career (except that time in 2007 when he kicked it straight to Devin Hester twice and Hester ran it back both times for touchdowns), no punter is worthy of a second round pick. Not even Ray Guy. Nevermind spending it on asshole so selfish that during his time in Carolina he refused to step in as the emergency placekicker for the injured John Kasay unless the Panthers rescinded fines they had slapped on him earlier in the year for being overweight. Sauerbrun definitely belongs.

Kicker- Carlos Huerta. Huerta wasn't technically drafted, as most kickers aren't, but he belongs on here since he was a Bears rookie whom Dave Wannstedt decided was more worthy of the kicking job then veteran Kevin Butler. Huerta promptly missed three of his first seven field goals and was cut midseason in 1996.

Returner- Bobby Wade. Wade, a 5th round pick in 2003, was too low of a pick to make it as a wide receiver (nevertheless, he sucked), but he does make it as a returner. Wade was handed the punt-returner job in 2005 and fumbled a whopping 10 times. He was cut late that season and landed with Titans, then the Vikings, where he was most notable for mouthing off recently over comments Brian Urlacher may have made about Jay Cutler. Bobby is apparently unaware of the famous "don't talk unless you can back it up" aspect of smack-talking, since no one's trembling in fear of his career average 355 yards a year receiving skills.

Coaching Staff-

Head Coach- Dave Wannstedt. Who else did you expect to coach this roster of fail, considering he drafted, acquired (Mirer, Huerta), or re-signed (Spellman) most of it? Hired from the Dallas Cowboys before the 1993 season, Wannstedt refused to take the job unless promised control of personnel. Wannstedt was given control, VP Bill Tobin resigned, and the reign of terror began. After starting 32-32 with playoff appearance in his first four years, the rotting foundation that Wannstedt had built finally collapsed into an 8-24 finish in 1997 and 1998. Wannstedt's final career record in Chicago was a bumbling 40-56. After getting canned by the Bears, Wannstedt took over the Dolphins, where he made a few playoff appearances with the team Jimmy Johnson built before he slowly ground that team into the hell it's been in recently. He resigned in 2004 after starting 1-8, and the Dolphins have yet to recover, going 30-41 since his resignation. Most infuriating is Wannstedt's refusal to accept blame for the failure in Chicago, as he claims that the Mirer trade wasn't solely his idea, and that he had the roster set up for a Superbowl run in 1996 had the Bears not lost Erik Kramer to a neck injury (apparently he just overlooks that the team had started 1-3 With Kramer). Congratulations, Dave. This is where you belong.

Offensive Coordinator- John Shoop. This should be no surprise to anyone, even though Gary Crowton gave a strong argument, since Shoop was possibly the most ridiculed coach in Bears history Other than Wannstedt. Fond of wide receiver screens, dive plays, and three yard outs on 3rd and 10, Shoop managed the most schematically incompetent offense in Bears history. In his three years at the helm the Bears finished 26th, 29th, and 28th in offense. He was booed so vociferously that he was moved from the sidelines to the booth for his own protection. He too, belongs.

Defensive Coordinator- Gregg Blache. Blache, the genius known for uttering his most famous phrase "sacks really aren't important," commanded a Bears defense from 1999-2003 that finished an average of 20th in the league. His defense, built around giant, run stuffing defensive tackles that freed up the linebackers to make plays, worked for just one year, in 2001, a year most Bears fans will admit was a fluke. The only time the defense worked, in 2001, it was because of an absurdly high number of turnovers (37). In its other four years under Blache's tutelage, the Bears defense averaged just 25 turnovers a season, and managed an average rank of 21st in yards allowed and 22nd in points allowed. Blache has somehow managed to maintain a good reputation in the league, and is now the defensive coordinator for the Redskins, where he had to promise free agent Albert Haynesworth that he wouldn't force him to be a fat, gap plugging roadblock in his moronic scheme in order to get him to sign.

So there you have it, folks. We've now completed the entire roster of BearsFAIL, with a quick depth chart of-

HC- Wannstedt

OC-Shoop

DC- Blache

QB-McNown/Mirer/Grossman

RB-Enis/Benson/Salaam

FB-Muster

WR-Terrell/Bradley/Wade

TE-Allred

LT-Thomas

LG-Sapp

C- Zawatson

RG- Spears

RT- Colombo

DE-Spellman/Bazuin

DT-Johnson

DT- Haynes

DE-Thierry

SLB-Cox

MLB-Jones

RLB-Okwo

LCB-Williams

RCB-Lincoln

FS-Manning

SS- Johnson

P- Sauerbrun

K- Huerta

Returner- Wade.

Let me know what you think. Would they go 0-16? 2-14? Could they beat the Lions? Could they beat the University of Indiana?

The Roster of Broken Dreams, Bears Edition- The Offense!

Last year (with great help from the scholars at Hire Jim Essian!) I compiled a list of the worst pitchers and position players developed by the Cubs in my lifetime. This year I've decided to do the same for the Chicago Bears (once more with help from the HJE regulars). So here are the greatest Bears draft busts at every position taken during my lifetime (1988-onward)

Quarterback- As most football fans now, quarterback is where the Bears have struggled greatly to find stability for the last half century (hopefully that problem is now over with Cutler under center), and many draft picks have been wasted on the most important position on the field, the greatest three mistakes make up the team's depth chart-

1st String-Cade McNown. My feelings on McNown are well known. The weak armed, cocksure McNown was drafted out of UCLA with the 12th overall pick in the 1999 draft. The Bears chose to overlook his weak arm and somewhat questionable attitude because they felt that, as a four year starter, he was "NFL ready," and with his decent mobility they believed he could be a Jake Plummer type quarterback for them (why they thought that was a good thing I'll never know). Instead what they got was the single most despicable player in Bears history, one who alienated fans, teammates, coaches, and the media. He blamed his receivers' fatigue when he over threw them on deep routes. He blamed the offensive line when he failed to call the right protection. He told the fans to stay home if they wanted to boo him. He was, without a doubt, the worst Bears quarterback of many, and that's why he's right here at number one.

2nd String- Rick Mirer. While not a draft choice of the Bears, Mirer makes into onto this list because of the 1997 first round pick that the Bears traded to Seattle in order to obtain him. Why the Wannstedt Brain Trust ever decided that Mirer had what it took to be an NFL starter after having over 1500 passes worth of evidence to the contrary I'll never know. Mirer arrived in Chicago, failed to learn the offense quickly or push Erik Kramer out of the starting job, and failed miserably after being handed the job starting with the fourth game of the season. Mirer went 0-3 in 3 starts with a 37.7 rating, 0 tds, and 6 ints. The Bears were outscored 78-23 with Rick at the helm.

3rd String- Rex Grossman. This one sucks to put here, because I still, after everything, like Rex Grossman. I've never seen a player so brutally attacked by fans and hte media for so long and never lash out or break down. When he was on he was the best we've ever seen under center. When he was off, which sadly became the norm towards the end, he was absolutely brutal. I wish him luck in Houston, but there's no denying that at the end he was a bust.

Runningback- The Bears have a great history of runningbacks. Red Grange, Bronco Nagurski, Rick Casares, Gale Sayers, Walter Payton, Neal Anderson, and even Thomas Jones were all either solid or spectacular players. Anthony Thomas provided some quality yardage during the Jauron years. Matt Forte looks to be the real deal. But all of that greatness doesn't excuse three colossal busts at halfback-

1st string- Curtis Enis. A former Parade All American, Ohio Mr. Football, and two year starter at Penn State (where he rushed for 3,256 yards and 36 tds in roughly 2 1/2 seasons of work), Enis was who the Bears tabbed with the 5th overall pick in the 1998 draft. The Bears had been considering Marshall wide receiver Randy Moss, but decided that his attitude problems made him too much of a risk. The Bears initially tried to trade up in the draft to select either Ryan Leaf or Andre Wadsworth (so no matter which of the three they wound up with, all would have been busts), then refused offers from Jacksonville (which had two first round picks that year), New England (also had two first round picks), and St. Louis to trade down in the round so that they could have a crack at Enis. Enis then held out for a large contract for much of training camp in 1998. Head Coach Dave Wannstedt punished him by keeping him as a back up. Enis was finally given a start in the 9th game of the season, and promptly tore his ACL. He started 12 games in 1999 and rushed for 916 yards, but with a paltry 3.3 ypc average. By 2000 he had been shifted to fullback, and after that year was out of the league despite a comeback attempt with the Browns.

2nd String- Cedric Benson. I think I covered Benson enough the other day.

3rd String- Rashaan Salaam. It's more or less a toss up over whether Benson or Salaam was more disappointing. I give the victory to Benson because he was taken higher in the draft (4th overall vs. 21st), he pissed me off recently, and Salaam's 1995 season (1,074 yds, 10 tds) was actually pretty solid. Salaam, the 1994 Heisman winner, was he 21st pick in the 1995 draft out of Colorado. In Ron Turner's record breaking 1995 offense he was solid as a rookie, even if his fumbling habit (9 in 16 games) was a bit disturbing. After 1995 things went downhill for Salaam. He fumbled even more often, broke his leg, admitted to smoking a great deal of weed during his rehab and never managed to get back on track. He was released after the 1997 season, leading the Bears to draft Curtis Enis. And thus fail led to fail.

Fullback- The blocking back in most pro offenses isn't usually a position taken high in the draft, which usually means fullbacks are unlikely to show up on draft bust lists. However, the Bears did spend a first round pick (the 23rd overall) in 1988 on fullback Brad Muster.

Brad Muster-Muster was drafted to replace Walter Payton's backfield mate, Matt Suhey. While Muster's career statistics look good, he was often injured and never earned the respect or admiration that had been granted to Suhey. Most felt that he never earned his first round status, as it was likely that the Bears could have used that pick on a different position and still acquired a fullback in a later round. (Special thanks to HJE's Mike D. for the Muster description, as I'm a wee bit too young to remember him).

Wide Receiver- The Bears have never really had a standout wide receiver, despite occasional fluke seasons like Marcus Robinson's 1999 (1400 yds, 9 tds) and Marty Booker's solid 2001 and 2002 seasons. So it should be no surprise they've had their fair share of draft day wiffs at wideout.

WR #1- David Terrell. Terrell, a record setting wide receiver for Tom Brady and Drew Henson at Michigan, was the 8th overall pick in the 2001 draft. Terrell failed to pick up the offense, complained about his role in it, often suffered a case of the dropsies, and started just 14 games in his first three seasons for the Bears. In 2004 he had his first 100 yard receiving game in the season opener, then disappeared after the injury to Rex Grossman. He drew several penalties throughout the course of the season and quickly made his way onto Lovie Smith's shit list. He was released after the '04 season, spent on year with the Broncos, and has failed to catch on anywhere else since (including an attempt to make the Chiefs just last week).

WR #2- Mark Bradley. The man drafted in the 2nd round to replace Terrell started 4 games in his rookie season of 2005 before tearing his ACL. In his absence Bernard Berrian stole his job, and Bradley never started another game in 2006 or 2007. He too wound up on Lovie Smith's shit list for reasons unexplained. He was released in 2008 and now plays for the Chiefs.

Tight End- The Bears had struggled for many decades to replace Mike Ditka's production at tight end before signing Desmond Clark in 2003 and drafting Greg Olsen in 2007. Along the way they wasted a few draft picks on the pass-catching linemen, the most prominent being:

TE- John Allred. The Bears made Allred their first pick (2nd round) in the 1997 draft, making the first two rounds of that draft a complete waste including the pick sent to Seattle for Rick Mirer. The USC product started just 30 games in four seasons for the Bears and never had more than 109 receiving yards or 1 td in any of those years.


Offensive Line- The Bears have spent three first round picks on offensive tackles in my lifetime. Two of them have made this list. The third (Chris Williams) will be the starting right tackle this year. Here's hoping he doesn't supplant either of these two on This team. At guard they've had their fair share of whiffs, although fortunately guard isn't often a 1st round position:

Left Tackle- Stan Thomas. A pick that then head coach Mike Ditka thoroughly opposed, Thomas was the brain child of idiotic former Bears president Michael McCaskey. The 22nd overall pick in the 1991 draft, Thomas started just 7 games his rookie year, zero his second year, and was released by the Bears and washed out of the NFL by year three.

Left Guard- Bob Sapp. A third round pick by Wannstedt in 1997, Sapp was cut by new VP Mark Hatley BEFORE the 1997 season even started, and never appeared in a game in a Chicago Bears uniform. He started one game for the Vikings that year before leaving football in order to become an MMA fighter in Japan known as Bob "The Beast" Sapp. He also made a cameo in the remake of "The Longest Yard."


Center- Dave Zawatson. The Bears have drafted just two centers in my lifetime, one being an unimportant 9th round pick, and the other being Olin Kreutz, so no real busts at this position. Therefore I'm forced to take Dave Zawatson, a guard drafted in the 2nd round of the 1989 draft, and shift him to the middle. Zawatson played in just four games with zero starts his rookie year before being released.

(No Pic Available)

Right Guard -Marcus Spears. A 2nd round pick in the 1994 draft, Spears failed to crack the starting lineup in any of his three years in Chicago, and only made it into 9 games total, all in his third year. He was released after the '96 season and spent 8 years as a back up in Kansas City and Houston before retiring in 2003.

(No Pic Available)

Right Tackle- Marc Colombo. The Bears first round pick in 2002 (29th overall), Colombo got off to a promising start his rookie year before shredding his knee in the turf at St. Louis. Colombo then missed all of the 2003 season and most of the '04 season before returning. After appearing in just 9 games (2 starts) for the Bears in 2004 and 2005, Colombo was released and caught on with the Cowboys. He's started every game for Dallas the last three years, making him a contemptible bastard unworthy of his mother's love.

That wraps up the offensive half of the football for this team of failure. The defensive and special teams will be revealed on Monday.

You Don't Deserve Him!

Watch out, Denver fans. You mess with Kyle, you're messing with me.
Shrug it off, champ.

Why I'll Miss the Arena Football League

Won't Anyone think of Sonny Cumbie?

The Arena League, which had suspended the 2009 season in hopes of reorganizing for 2010, is now suspended indefinitely (meaning its dead). This news depresses me.

I realize the league never really gained a lot of popularity, but it did survive for 20 years. A lot of people didn't care at all for the games being shown on NBC or ESPN, but I did, and I'll tell you why:

It was fucking FOOTBALL, PEOPLE.

Don't look a god damn gift horse in the mouth. An entire league was willing to give us some form of football each spring/summer, and people let it die. Okay, so you couldn't grasp the 8 men teams, the "box", the MAC/JAC linebackers, the forward motion, the 50 yard field, who the hell cares? It wasn't the NFL. It didn't try to be. But it was televised football. What did you want to watch during that time period anyways? The NBA? Bullshit, I say.

You know why else the Arena League was great? Because it kicked ass when you could turn on a game between the Kansas City Brigade and the Colorado Crush and see Jonathan Quinn holding a clipboard. Yes, I loved watching NFL flameouts or college superstars lacking the right "tools" for the NFL wind up in the AFL. It's the reason I watch Canadian Football and the reason I'll watch the UFL this fall. I loved hearing about Alonzo Spellman trying to piece together all of his crazy and play for the Las Vegas Gladiators. It was good to see guys like Sonny Cumbie, who, like Graham Harrell couldn't even get an invite to training camp despite his big numbers at Texas Tech, get a chance to keep playing some form of football. Hell, the league did give us Kurt Warner, even if we couldn't stand his wife. Hopefully the UFL will pick up many of these guys, as will Arena Football 2 (which now becomes just AFL maybe? I don't know), which intends to keep playing this season (which is good because I was a season ticket holder for the Quad City Steamwheelers).

I don't care if it qualified somewhere south of real, professional football. It was football nonetheless, and I'll miss it. Goodbye, AFL.

Go UFL? (They have JP Losman AND Koren Robinson AND Simeon Rice. They can't fail!)

Cedric Benson Sees Cedric Benson A Little Differently Than We See Cedric Benson

Oh Yeah, I miss this fucker

Let me take you back to draft day in 2005. Since I was about ten or eleven its been fun for me to try and make up my own mock draft and try to beat Mel Kiper. Several years I've been successful. Well, in 2005 I had my fantasy scenario drawn up for the Bears. I ignored the rumors that the Bears were looking at Texas runningback Cedric Benson, given that the only effective player on the offense in 2004 had been Thomas Jones. I decided that with a healthy Rex Grossman coming back (little did I know his preseason 2005 injury would lead to the rise of our hero, Mr. Orton), a healthy John Tait, Ruben Brown, and the free agent signing of Fred Miller all upgrading the offensive line, and Jones in the backfield, the Bears would actually be better off trading Down out of the fourth overall pick and picking up UAB wide receiver Roddy White, who I felt was far better than the buzz generated at the time for Mike Williams, Matt Jones, or Troy Williamson (I was right).

Alas, that was not to be, as the Bears stood pat and selected Cedric Benson, and I erupted with the fury of a thousand burning suns. What followed was three years of fail culminating in Benson's release (I'll fully recap his career with the Bears later in the article).

The Bears drafted Matt Forte, he quickly became one of the best backs in the league, Benson wound up in football purgatory (Cincinnatti), and all was well.

But wait! Mr. Benson apparently believes someone made a mistake!

Quoth the slow footed one: "I'm sure they know they made a mistake [releasing me], after the way I finished last season. But I'm not worried about them. It's in the past and I've moved on. I had a career-high in touches and yards in a little more than half a season, more than I ever had in Chicago. That tells you the story right there."

What story, exactly, does that tell? That you were a horribly ineffective back in Chicago and you improved in Cincinnatti, Cedric? Let's look:

Cedric Benson Career with Bears

2005- 9 G, 1 GS, 67 rush, 272 yards, 0 tds, 4.1 ypa, 1 rec., 3 yds, 0 tds.

2006-15 G, 0 GS, 157 rush, 647 yards, 6 tds, 4.1 ypa, 8 rec., 54 yds, 0 tds.

2007- 11 G, 11 GS, 196 rush, 674 yards, 4 tds, 3.4 ypa, 17 rec., 123 yds, 0 tds

The most important line you'll want to look at is 2007, when Benson was finally the starter, because he more or less implies later that he was never given a chance by the team.

Now, shall we look at Cedric's 2008, the one in which his vast improvement has stung the Bears with pangs of regret?

2008- 12 G, 10 GS, 214 rush, 747 yards, 2 tds, 3.5 ypa, 20 rec., 185 yds, 0 tds.

Holy shit! He's morphed into Barry Sanders overnight! He's averaging a whopping tenth of a yard more per carry! Heck he managed to average a whole yard more per game as a Bengal than he did as a Bear in 2007 (62.3 vs 61.3)! Just for the sake of comparison, lets compare the pitiful numbers Matt Forte posted last year which made us long for Anthony Thomas the Lesser:

2008: 16 G, 16 GS, 316 rush, 1,238 yards, 8 tds, 3.9 ypa, 63 rec, 477 yds, 4 tds

Hmm. That's odd. It's almost as though Forte was better in every single category than Benson's excellent 2008 campaign. That can't be! This was a mistake!

My favorite comment, however, is when Benson implies that the Bears organization never game him a chance with this : "I think the only person that wanted me there was Lovie [Smith],'' Benson said. "The Bengals sure hit the jackpot.''

First off, if the only person that wants you there is the head coach, congratufuckinglations, because he only decides WHO GETS TO FUCKING PLAY, YOU STRAIGHT LINE RUNNING BASTARD WHO COULDN'T EVEN OUT RUSH RASHAAN SALAAM! But alas, Jerry Angelo must also have wanted you, given his control over personnel. But just to examine Mr. Benson's implication the organization didn't give Him his opportunity, lets look at his career:

2005- Determined to work their new "power runningback" into the offense, the Bears declare an open competition for the starting job during training camp. Thomas Jones wins, because he was actually In training camp, unlike Benson, who MISSED THE ENTIRE CAMP WHILE HE WAS HOLDING OUT FOR MORE MONEY. Undaunted, Benson declares that he'll win the starting job by the third game of the season. He doesn't, as Thomas Jones has a far more effective season than Benson has had in his entire career, rushing for 1,335 yards and 9 tds with a 4.3 ypa average. Benson gets one start that year, against the 49ers, and leaves before half time with an injury.

2006- Upset that the Bears still seem determined to replace him after his outstanding year, Thomas Jones holds out of minicamps and is benched during training camp. The Bears are ready to hand the job to Benson before he gets hurt and misses most of the rest of training camp and the preseason, leaving the job in Jones's hands, who again goes out and has a better year than Benson's ever dreamed of, rushing for 1,210 yds and 6 tds. Benson actually plays effectively as the second back, averaging 4.1 ypc. During the Superbowl, however, Benson once more gets injured early and sits out the rest of the game.

2007- The Bears, determined to rid themselves of a highly productive runningback, for whatever reason, trade Thomas Jones to the New York Jets and annoint Benson the starter for the 2007 season. Benson responds with a 3.4 ypc average, and despite playing behind a subpar line (still, more or less the same line that Jones and Forte have had to work with), he still gets his fair share of the blame for his indecisiveness, inability to hit the hole, and complete lack of agility. Benson gets injured AGAIN against the Broncos and misses the last five games of the season.

During the 2007 offseason the Bears remain adamant that Benson will be in the mix for the starting runningback job, and they draft Matt Forte to push him in training camp. The Bears were forced by Benson's own hand to release him, however, when he got arrested twice in two weeks for alcohol related incidents (making it four times that he'd been arrested since college).

Benson than was picked up off the scrap heap by Cincinnatti, and he put up the great numbers he mentioned. Benson actually had three 100 yard games for the Bengals, (104 vs. the Jaguars, the league's 13th ranked run defense, 171 vs. the Browns, the league's 28th ranked run defense, and 111 vs. Kansas City, the league's 30th ranked run defense), but in the other 9 games he averaged just 40.1 ypg and 2.8 ypa. (For comparison, Forte also had just three 100 yard games, but in his other 13 averaged 65 ypg and 3.4 ypa)

So what this all adds up to is the fact that if you were paid $35 fucking million to be a feature back, and prove to be a brittle, whiny, slow moving bastard, don't try and blame the team for your failures.

Go to hell, Cedric. See you week 7. I can't wait to be on the other end of one of your patented 20 rush, 50 yd games.

Training Camp Updates-

Just what I've gathered so far-

-Marcus Harrison was really fat, but has toned it down to just sort of fat

-Olsen has more or less entirely replaced Desmond Clark as the starting tight end.

-Pisa Tinoisamoa seems to have won the Strong side Linebacker competition before it even started.

-Zack Bowman has been lining up at corner with Charles Tillman out. It will be interesting to see if he can progress well enough to be the nickelback when Tillman comes back, so that the Bears don't have to keep shifting Danieal Manning between free safety and nickel.

-The Cutler to Olsen and Cutler to Bennett connections have looked particularly fruitful so far.

-Matt Forte's reps are still being limited because of the hamstring injury he suffered during OTAs, but a slimmed down Kevin Jones has been impressing every one, and Ron Turner has hinted that he may have a few packages that feature both Forte and Jones on the field at the same time.

-Devin Hester dropped a pass, leading Jay Cutler to charge the stands and beat Rick Morrissey to death. No one seemed upset.

-Nothing on Tommie Harris has been pulled, strained, tweaked, or torn....yet.

-Several observers have said that Marinelli has worked the Bears defensive line harder than its ever been worked before. (Israel Idonijie lost a whopping 40 pounds this offseason. He'll line up at end several times throughout the season).

-Cutler looks good. Need to see some proof?



Skip the part at the beginning where the guy films his collection of Bears jerseys and the part at the end where he talks, and you'll see some nice throws from the Savior.

-Hang in there folks, its only 12 days till the first preseason game.

On the Good News Front

This is absolutely spectacular. The last few offseasons the Bears have brought Harris along slowly and he's played erratically those two seasons. If Tommie Harris is healthy again and new line coach Rod Marinelli has gotten him back on track, the entire defense will be better. Anyone who watched the 2005-2006 Bears knows how unstoppable Tommie is when he's at his best. Just ask Matt Hasselbeck (above). Things are looking good, Bears fans.

Training Camp Begins Tomorrow! Football!

Today the Chicago Bears start arriving at Olivet-Nazerene University in Bourbonnais, Illinois. There'll be a lot to watch from the start of practice tomorrow, with most people looking for the answers to several questions-

1. How does Cutler look?

2. Do the receivers look much better with Cutler throwing them the ball?

3. Does the offensive line look improved?

4. Does the Defensive line look improved?

5. Is the safety position anything other than a heaping pile of fail?

6. Does Brian Urlacher look like his old self?

7. Is Tommie Harris healthy?

8. Will Pisa Tinoisamoa, Nick Roach, Hunter Hillenmeyer, or Jamar Williams win the job at strongside linebacker?

9. Did Urlacher really call Cutler a pussy? Bobby Wade says he did! Urlacher says he didn't! Best of all, its a pointless story and nobody gives a shit!

10. Who will step up to play cornerback while Tillman is out?

11. How are Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson holding up now that Favre has declined to play this year?

12. After a full year's recovery from ACL surgery, does Kevin Jones look like he did in 04-05 before the weight of playing in Detroit crushed his soul and cruciate ligaments?

13. How much do you love Matt Forte? 'Cuz I fucking love that kid!

14. Can Devin Hester go back to returning punts without looking like a guy in a Warner Brothers cartoon trying to get rid of a bomb with a burning fuse?

15. Does Lovie Smith's voice still remind us all of simpler times?

16. Has Earl Bennett learned his God Damn playbook yet?

17. Garrett Wolfe and Adrian Peterson are battling for the 3rd runningback spot. Which one will win the jobm make no certifiable impact on the offense whatsoever, and be constantly lauded on FOX for his "stellar special teams play"?

18. Will Caleb Hanie just do something impressive so no one keeps saying shit like this?

19. If someone drops a pass will Rick Morrissey start screaming at everyone to duck before Cutler melts down?

20. Can they show any of this shit on tv? Because I'm ready for some god damn football.

I'll Believe This Around Week 17

Favre Not coming back. We'll see. I didn't write this for nothing.

Rick Morrissey, You Sniveling Little Twit.

You're a god damned idiot. From Morrissey's latest (he's in italics)

Chicago Bears' prospects this season? Questionable

What did coach Lovie Smith say to President Barack Obama upon meeting him last week in Chicago?

"Hey, do you ever get tired of people referring to you as 'a black president', rather than just a president, because that shit got on my nerves during the Superbowl."

"Can you play wide receiver?"

Oh. Right. Here we go.

Come on, is it really that bad?

No, it's not. Like I pointed out in my Cutler article, there are plenty of precedents for team's that can make the playoffs without great wide receivers, so long as there are options like tight ends or runningbacks.

It is. Besides Devin Hester, a No. 3 receiver with a No. 1 receiver's opinion of himself, the Bears will be hard pressed to feature a wide receiver anyone has heard of -- and that includes their mothers.

Devin Hester finished 49th in the NFL in receiving yards last year. There are 32 teams in the NFL, and if each one starts two wide receivers...that means Hester would have to rank at least 65th or worse to be more of a No.3 receiver than a No.2, and you'd have to be a total blockhead like Morrissey to assume those numbers Won't improve by at least a couple hundred yards with Jay Cutler back there. Also, is that some shot at Devin Hester's attitude? I've never heard anybody accuse Hester of having an inflated ego or attitude problem. Or is Morrissey referring to this article, where Hester states that his goal is to be the best receiver to ever play the game? Because God forbid we'd want a player that sets his sights on being great.

Oh, come on. You're saying the Bears gave up all those draft picks so that Jay Cutler would have no targets on the field? Does that make any sense?

Or its possible that the Bears, I don't know, have a developing Hester who has made big leaps (299 yds to 665) in his first two years and should continue to progress with a better quarterback under center, and a third round pick from last year entering his second year in the system in Earl Bennett, or that they, you know, Drafted three wide receivers. Also, screw the two quality tight ends and the runningback who led all runningbacks in receptions last year. He has NO TARGETS.

It is bizarre, like seeing construction on a house stop midway through the second-floor bathroom. But maybe the Bears are waiting to have all the pieces in place for the 2010 season. Wait, that's the Bulls.

Right, becuase the Bulls are the only team in professional sports that have a long term plan and may realize that there's only so many quality players one can acqure in one offseason and that sometimes it takes more than one?

I'm so confused.

That's a given. Now just throw away your laptop, curl up in the fetal position, and cry at the failure in life you've become.

So who are the receivers in camp?

Hester, Rashied Davis, Earl Bennett, Devin Aromashodu, John Broussard, Juaquin Iglesias and Brandon Rideau, among others.

Also Johnny Knox, the guy that ran a 4.34 40 at the combine. Its almost like they were forced to look for sleeper picks and actually picked guys with solid potential, all because they traded their first round pick to get a franchise quarterback.

Who among that group will be Cutler's favorite receiver?

Running back Matt Forte.

Or Greg Olsen, you pathetic little weasel. Have you ever even heard of Kellen Winslow, Ozzie Newsome, Shannon Sharpe, Tony Gonzalez, or Antonio Gates? You know, the guys that Olsen constantly draws comparison too (he's actually faster than all of them, with a 4.45 forty time on record), those tight ends that can actually be the best receivers on dynamic offenses, despite the fact that they are tight ends?

What kind of reception will Cutler receive from Broncos fans when he returns to Denver on Aug. 30 for an exhibition game?

About as warm of a welcome as Rick Morrissey should get whenever he walks into a room full of real, competent journalists.

Oh, man, it's going to be brutal. They're not going to remember his 2008 Pro Bowl season. They're going to remember his snit-fest with new Broncos coach Josh McDaniels. They're going to remind him what a sniveling baby he was. They're mostly going to be mad he's not with them anymore.

That's nice. Everyone can pen a bunch of dramatic storylines, people can boo, and, most importantly, its preseason and nobody actually gives a shit.

So he's the answer to all of the Bears' prayers?

I'm sorry, is there anyone out there thats seriously saying that, the meatheads aside? Angelo's done nothing but talk about tempering expectations for Cutler. Lovie and co. have done a decent job of advocating that its still about the run game and the defense. Watch out, Rick, your STRAW MAN is showing.

No, that would be Rod Marinelli.

Oh, right. This is where Rick flies in the face of dozens of former and current players, coaches, and professional football experts who've all praised the Marinelli hiring and pisses all over it.

The defensive line coach?

Oh, he's not just a defensive line coach. He's a savior. He might have been the Lions' head coach last season when they went 0-16, but the Bears are selling him as the man who will turn underachieving defensive linemen into Pro Bowl players.

Right. Because no person who was once acknowledged as one of the best position coaches or coordinators in the game could fail as a head coach and then go back to the job he was great at in the first place. I forgot that Dick LeBeau's 12-33 stint as head coach of the Bengals actually ruined his abilities as a defensive coordinator forever. I must have just imagined the fact that he went back to Pittsburgh and helped craft one of the league's best defenses, one thats won 2 of the last 4 Superbowls.

If you say so, but what can he do about a defense that finished 21st in the league in total yards allowed, 30th against the pass and 22nd in sacks?

Well, he could enforce discipline and fundamentals and overhaul a unit that not that long ago was one of the league's best defensive lines, and given that the entire Tampa 2 scheme revolves around getting pressure from the front four, that could improve the unit rankings in every possible category. That would be a start.

Well, the idea is that he will heal Tommie Harris' knee, remind Adewale Ogunleye how to rush the passer and catch a few passes in his spare time.

Or by many accounts Harris' knee is feeling much better and the fact that he's one of the league's most destructive defensive tackles when he's at his best, not to mention a healthy tackle rotation behind him with Anthony Adams, Dustin Dvoracek, Marcus Harrison, and rookie Jarron Gilbert, means that the tackles will draw enough double teams that Ogunleye's numbers will improve simply because he'll face better match ups.

Seriously, why does no one seem to be overly concerned about the defense?

Yeah, no one is concerned about the defense.

The hope is that Lance Briggs will be what he has been the past few years and that Brian Urlacher will be what he used to be. And the Bears did finish fifth against the run last season.

Well, there's nothing ridiculous about hoping Lance Briggs will continue to play well in the prime of his career, and Urlacher did have a monster second half in 2007, and considering Ray Lewis' stellar play last year, its not unreasonable to assume that a better pass rush will allow Urlacher to make more plays, as an upgraded pass rush in Baltimore led to Lewis' revival.

Let's get back to Cutler. Is it true that no one will care what he's like as a person if he wins games?

Let's put it this way: As long as he throws lots of touchdown passes, he could publicly tell Virginia McCaskey she needs to update her wardrobe, and no one would blink.

Yes because Old Vag' McCaskey is such a beloved figure that we'd all be appalled if someone dared insult her. I'd rather Cutler ask her if she's going to pry a few dollars out of her dusty old ass to get him a contract extension.

But you believe he's a pouting episode waiting to happen, don't you?

Yeah, because that's the only thing that would allow Morrissey to justify his ludicrous idea that Cutler doesn't improve the Bears.

When one of his receivers, What's His Name, drops an easy pass for the fifth straight game, yeah, I think there's a possibility Cutler will wonder why he left Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall for this. And the chances of some sort of meltdown will increase exponentially.

You f*&king moron. Brandon Marshall was third in the league with Twelve dropped passes last year, and Cutler certainly never "melted down." Also, I'm sure Cutler has no experience dealing with adversity or poor play by his surrounding cast. It's not like went to Vanderbilt or something.

If you're so down on the Bears, why are you picking them to go 10-6?

Because he can't express a coherent thought without contradicting his own stupidity?

The division isn't very good, and if Cutler's physical abilities aren't enough to get them one more victory than last season, God help them.

Actually, with Aaron Rodgers leading Green Bay's offense and the Vikings having Adrian Peterson and their overrated but still good defense, and Detroit having to at least be better than last year, the division's stronger than it has been in quite some time.

OK, what are you excited about?

Rick Morrissey's death. Oh, you're asking him.

Cutler vs. Aaron Rodgers and the Packers in Green Bay for the opener. It will give us an idea of what the Bears will be this year. I'm excited to see what Forte can do with one season under his belt. I'm excited to see what kind of year tight end Greg Olsen will have when every defense pays close attention to him while ignoring the Bears' receivers.

You see that folks? Wisdom from Rick Morrissey. If you wait until the team plays this year, you might be able to get an idea of how well they're going to play this year. And let team's double and triple cover Olsen all they want. I'll take any man's bet that Cutler and Hester will make them pay for that.

What are the best names on the training camp roster?

Linebacker Pisa Tinoisamoa and cornerback Woodny Turenne.

I hate you so much.

Does tackle Orlando Pace have anything left in his tank?

That's not the question. The question is whether the 33-year-old can stay healthy for an entire season. He was injured much of 2006 and 2007 before starting most of last season for the Rams.

....Then he would seemed to have answered that question last year, eh Rick?

What about last year's first-round pick, Chris Williams?

Back surgery as a rookie tackle? Very, very not good.

Back surgery apparently minor enough that he recovered in time to play last season and is now being counted on as a starter at right tackle? Very very unimportant.

Is Smith really only the 20th best coach in the NFL, as the Sporting News ranked him?

No.

That was a complete injustice. He's definitely in the top 17.

Since Smith took over in 2004 the Bears are 7th in the NFL in wins. They're one of only four NFC teams to win two division titles in that span. He's one of only six active coaches that have taken teams to the Superbowl in the span. Say what you will, there's no justification for him being more than Slightly out of the top ten.

Isn't Bourbonnais something a drunk puts on a turkey sandwich at 2 a.m.?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Is Rick Morrissey a complete hack?

Yes. Yes, he is.