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Friday, May 20, 2011

How to Go Out In Style, SKO-Style, That Is.

If you haven't heard, the world is ending tomorrow. Now, I'm a pretty open-minded individual (ask anybody, if there's one thing I'm known for it is total respect for the views and opinions of others) so I'm willing to believe this is true. Now, reports I'm hearing are either 5 or 6 PM tomorrow, depending on whether Jesus comes back on Eastern or Central time. So i figure to be safe I need to wrap up all of the debauchery I have planned by 4 so that I can get in a quick repentance and be all ready when he comes in. Someone tried saying "well what if he comes at like, 6 PM middle eastern time, since that's where he lived and all," but we all know Jesus will work on American time because he's the finest American that ever lived (for those who say Jesus wasn't American, I can only ask this: Why is my Bible written in English, smart guy?)

So that leaves me from the time I get off work today at 11 till about 4 tomorrow to get in everything I need to do before the world ends. Now, this isn't a concrete list, and, out of respect for the ladies, we'll ignore any debauchery of the co-ed kind (I think this is a PG-13 blog, anyway), so let's just focus on what we do best: drinking, football, unmitigated rage. Anywho, onto the list:

- Charge three or four bottles of this stuff to my credit card, consume as much as humanly possible:

God I love a good, peaty single-malt scotch. The more fossil fuel you have in your scotch, the more worthy you are to be standing proud at the end of time. Fact.

-Fly to California, find Cade McNown. Tie him up, force him to read my rant against him (if he hasn't already, and let's face it: he probably has), then release him to sit in gloom and think about what he's done until the apocalypse comes.

-While in California, head to the Skywalker Ranch and pistol whip George Lucas soundly with the butt of Han Solo's blaster until he apologizes for everything he's done since he started the damn Special Editions of the original trilogy of Star Wars (assuming I can get through the crowd of people who probably have the same idea).

-Find Brian F*&king Griese. Challenge him to a duel and take advantage of his lack of knowledge regarding dueling etiquette (Brian is very stupid, folks) and name broadswords as my weapon of choice. Once I have cleaved him in twain I shall finally have peace.

-Find out the best Indian restaurant in the country, go there and eat their Saag Paneer. It may not sound like much, but that stuff is more addicting than heroin.

-Hold a gun to Rick Morrissey's head and force him to confess that he's only trashed every thing Jay Cutler's done for two years because he wrote that the Bears shouldn't trade for him back when he thought there was no chance of it happening and that he's just too stubborn to say he was wrong. Point out to everyone his uncontrollable, panicked urination.

-Shots of Jeppson's Malort with the fellas over at

-Finally feel safe to admit that I've never even watched Conan O'Brien.

-Slap and tickle with Jay Cutler. I really think we'd be best friends.

-Skydiving. Naked. Oh yeah.

-Challenge John Shoop to a staring contest.

-Shoot a man in Reno. Watch him die.


-Ride a grizzly bear.

-Pull off complicated, Hollywood-style bank heist with team of close friends, complete with fiery shootout with SWAT team.

-Spend last few hours with fiancee and family and whatnot. Act really sorry about some stuff. Chill for the rest of eternity.

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