Pick Someone on the Other Team and Play Defense- Everything I Know about Football is Wrong

It's been a while since I've given someone a good, hard fisking, as Rick Morrissey seems to have eased up on the Bears and his replacement of DOOM, Rick Telander, seems more clueless than smug like Rick #1, so I've found him too boring for my wrath. Last week, however, someone dropped me a gold mine from a fellow blog, one known for it's frequent moaning and groaning over everything from Cristobal Huet to (hehe) "professional" wrestling. This piece, entitled "Why the Bears will Suck This Year", simply calls out to me, so without further ado, the man known only as FroDog shall be in italics:

I have seen all I need of the Chicago Bears this season.

Well that's nice. So I can assume you won't be doing this the rest of the fall?

I know it’s only the preseason but judging from last year’s preseason, the average fan indeed can tell how their team will do just by watching the third game of the preseason.

Dennis Green approves this sentence.

Now before I get to anything else, I want to point something out before fuck tards like Irish Yeti come here (The worse site on the internet) to point out certain stats.
Always professional to call out individual readers. Fuck you, Mike D. Also, fuck those guys and their stats. Damn stats. THE AVERAGE FAN KNOWS WHAT HE SEES WITHOUT YOUR NUMBERS, EGGHEAD.

One stat that I think he will point is the 1985 Bears team that was winless in their preseason yet went to win the Super Bowl that year.

That's true. It's also true that in the Bears last 10 playoff seasons, they've had winning records in the preseason only 4 times. While I've mentioned before that correlation =/= causation, that should at least be evidence enough that the preseason does not matter one god damn bit. Also, the 2008 0-16 Lions? 4-0 in the preseason.

The response I have to say to that is those two teams are totally different.

Seriously. Would you believe there's not a single member of the 1985 Bears on the 2010 roster?

The 1985 team had a better team.

Careful on that limb, son.

This 2010 team could be the worse we have seen since the 2002 team that went 4-12 in my opinion.
It could also be much better. Because, you know, they haven't played a game yet.

Even last year, myself along with the guys over at Fire Ron Turner (Now Fire Mike Martz) were saying that this team just doesn’t look like a contender even with Jay Cutler at quarterback.

Congratulations. Really. Go celebrate with Morrissey.

We were worried about the offensive line which turned out to be shitty. We worried about the secondary. That turned out to be a disaster. And we worried about the defense as a whole which once again turned into a shit fest.

So you worry about everything? And you lucked out in a bad year? That's the great thing about saying every part of a team will suck. You're always going to be right about something.

Yes. Brian Urlacher was a factor in that shitty defense. But even with him, they probably win one or two more games which puts them at the bubble of the playoffs.
So they didn't look like a contender before the season with Brian Urlacher presumably healthy, but if Brian Urlacher had been healthy they'd have been a contender? Mind. Blown.

Just like last year, the same questions are there for this 2010 Chicago Bears team:

This is just a really, really bad sentence.

1. If Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith knew the offensive line sucked the last couple years, why haven’t they tried to make it better?

Okay, pay attention to this sentence. Which I have bolded for emphasis.

Yes. They draft Chris Williams though they knew he had back problems. That was a bust. They signed Frank Omiyale and that hasn’t done much. So I can’t say they aren’t trying

Holy shit. YOU JUST ASKED WHY THEY HAVEN'T TRIED? It took the kid two lines to contradict himself.

but unfortunately, they haven’t signed the right players. Due to the lack of a decent offensive line, we will not know how well Jay Cutler can be on this team.

How well Cutler can be? Are you worried about his health? I mean we're all concerned about the injury risk, but I think he's okay. Is it the diabetes? Are you Wilford Brimley?

God knows I've been angrier than most at Jerry Angelo's failure to address the offensive line over the last decade. The problem isn't his refusal to sign free agents to address the problem. Hell, most of them have worked out for at least a few seasons (John Tait, Fred Miller, Roberto Garza, etc.). The problem is his failure to DRAFT good offensive linemen. Apparently Fro just thinks there's a heaping pile of pro-bowl linemen out there that Angelo passed on in favor of Frank Omiyale.

2. Will Charles Tillman ever learn how to actually play cornerback?

Say what?

This guy has won some games for the Bears. No doubt about it. He can cause fumbles and get the occasional interception.

Oh, so he forces turnovers and helps win games. What position was he playing when he did all this, since he can't play cornerback?

However as I stated in the past, if you ask him to actually cover a receiver, you are basically fucked as a team.

THE AVERAGE FAN CAN SEE THIS! Never mind the fact that opposing QB's quarterback ratings were over 30 points lower when throwing to Tillman's side of the field. FRO SAW HIM GET BEAT THAT ONE TIME. IN THE THIRD PRESEASON GAME. Case. Closed.

Football is a simple game to figure out. It’s 11 on 11. A player should be able to pick someone on the other team and play defense.

Oh. My. God. This is diamond-encrusted gold. Remember where you are at this exact moment, because you will never see football the same way again. This is absolute brilliance. But what if the safety decides to cover the left guard? What if the entire team decides to cover the X receiver? Is the defense supposed to yell out who they have before each snap? I think the offense might figure that one out. Thank God we have Fro and his AVERAGE FAN OBSERVATIONS to completely refute the concept of a zone defense.

3. The defense as a whole. .

Glad you're specific.

Is Brian Urlacher finished? It sure looks like it.

He sat out of two meaningless games, and therefore will never play again.

Even before his injury last year, he looked slow on reading the offense.

How the hell could you tell that? Do you have any idea what schemes Urlacher was calling out to his guys? Now, in 2008 Urlacher had more trouble than usual shedding blockers and making plays from sideline to sideline, as he has slowed down. But he was still a sure tackler, and the one thing that was EXTREMELY noticeable last year, particularly during the Falcons game when the entire defense was out of place multiple times after Matt Ryan went to the hurry up, was that Urlacher's ability to get guys in the right place was sorely, sorely missed.

How about the rest of the linebackers? Lance Briggs always seems to bring it but will guys like Hillenmeyer and Tinoisomoa help out?

These aren't reasons why the Bears will suck this year. These are questions that, if answered negatively by their performance on the field during the REGULAR SEASON, will result in a poor showing by the 2010 Bears ball club. It's almost as though you do Not know all you need to know from 3 preseason games.

Julius Peppers gets signed to big money does that mean he will do well when no one else on the defensive line is great?

Name one other person on Carolina's defensive line last year. Exactly. He seemed to do okay then.

4. Special teams. Let me continue to beat the dead horse on this issue. Devin Hester will be good being a third wide receiver. Forget him winning two or three games alone taking back kicks and punts. Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo think he’s the next Jerry Rice. This is for a lack of a better term, pathetic. The ineptitude and lack of football knowledge by Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith will prove to be costly once again this season.

Jesus H. Christ. For the last fucking time, it does not hurt Devin Hester as a returner to have the opportunity to make plays on offense. He is the most dangerous person on this team when the ball is in his hands. It is a good idea to try to get that ball to him more often. Do you really think that Devin Hester can't return kicks as well anymore because he's sitting there thinking "okay, on Z right Deep Post I need to go 15 yards...OH SHIT THERE'S A PUNT COMING AT ME?" No. The reason Devin Hester has fallen off as a receiver the last few years is because the Bears no longer have the best special teams blocking unit in football. Guys like Brendan Ayanbedejo and Dante Wesley are gone. That happens when you have a salary cap. You can't afford to pay guys starter money just to be special teams blockers. Good lord.

Also, Devin Hester demanded a big money contract with most of that money tied to incentives that he receives for playing receiver. He WANTS to play receiver. It would be absolutely dishonest for the Bears Not to play him.


So buckle up Bears fans. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. I would love to be totally wrong on all of this but I don’t see it.

I don't think you see a lot of things.

I want the Bears to win and win a lot. I just don’t see it with this team. Too many questions and no answers to go with any of them.

No answers because they haven't played meaningful games yet. Because you can't learn all you need to learn from watching the preseason.

I would like 11 or 12 wins but I think at best, 8-8 sounds just about right.

So you think they're going to be 8-8, despite declaring that they are even worse than the 4-12 2002 club? That makes sense. I think you're probably an idiot. I could be wrong, but I just don't see it with this post.