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Monday, August 23, 2010

Todd Collins? Why? Damon Huard Wasn't Available?

The Bears signed former Redskin/Chief/Bills clipboard holder Todd Collins today. The 38 year old Collins went to Michigan, so I hate him, and is now the insurance policy in case Hanie can't return before the season starts and Matt Gutierrez is somehow more awful than Todd Collins and Dan LeFevour. LeFevour, who I had high hopes for, is currently staring at a line of 5/20 (25%), 60 yd, 0 TD, 1 INT, 18.8 rating, and would seem an unlikely candidate of doing anything other than a Henry Burris impersonation if forced into a regular season game, so I suppose someone had to be signed off the street.

But why Todd Collins? I know he's been in the system before but outside of one three game stretch in Washington back in 2007 (and you might remember who he padded his stats against that year), he's been a bland, boring, worthless back up quarterback. After 1997 (his only year as a full-time starter when he was the first schmuck to fail miserably in a Bills uniform while trying to replace Jim Kelly), he threw exactly 27 passes over the next decade. He blows.

My point, however, is not that there are better candidates out there for serving as a back up that knows the Martz offense. No, my point is, as I pointed out with the story about Tom Moore and Jim Sorgi last week, if Cutler goes down this team is royally boned anyway, so the Bears should sign up someone interesting who will make the season worth watching, rather than some boring joe like Todd Collins. Some candidates:

JaMarcus Russell- He can throw the football 80 yards and see if Devin Hester or Johnny Knox can run under it, and he help Chris Williams on the line on running plays.

Jeff George- Why not? They did it once before, and Jeff is Still lobbying for someone to sign him. He's also such a notorious asshole that Rick Morrissey would finally think Jay Cutler was a good teammate by comparison, and he made this sweet workout video:

Jeff George, the Kenny Powers of the NFL.

Tim Couch- because the man's taken HGH just to get back in the game and he deserves a shot for that kind of commitment. Also because it WASN'T HIS FAULT.

Tommy Maddox- Hear me out on this one. First we have to send Tommy Maddox to the upstart UFL so that he can win the UFL championship. Their season ends in November, so the Bears could sign Tommy in time to give him another chance at being a one shot wonder making a comeback in the NFL after a stint with a shitty alternative pro football league.

Jamie Foxx- If he's good enough for the Miami Sharks, he's good enough for me.

Joey Harrington- He's unemployed and I need yet another excuse to sing "Piano Man" without seeming gay.

Brian Griese- Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Todd Collins is a better quarterback than Brian Griese could have been even if he was actually Bob Griese's son and not the child of the Faulknerian idiot manchild who mowed their grass and whom Bob's lonely wife cottoned to.

Matt Grothe- You may not know who Matt Grothe is. That's fine. You just need to know that "G to the R O T H E is a Beast From Da Big East"

So there you have it, just a few suggestions that will keep the Bears hilariously relevant, if not competitive, if Cutler should go down. Because Todd Collins will do neither.

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