Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 13

Texans @ Eagles
Code Red: Last week's shutout of a team starting a rookie 6th round draft pick at quarterback notwithstanding, the Texans defense blows and doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of slowing down Michael Vick and the Eagles. Eagles win.

Iggins!: Yeah, hard for me to envision anything other than a 20 point Eagles win here.

Mrs. Code Red: Eagles. Michael Vick is really, really good.

49ers @ Packers
Iggins!: So… the 49ers are now starting Troy Smith and Bryan Westbrook, huh? I hope they lose, but I am positive the Packers win.

Code Red: I would love for the Packers to lose, but this team couldn’t top Green Bay With Frank Gore. Packers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Ugh. Packers. I don’t like them, but I don’t have a choice.

Saints @ Bengals
Code Red: Sigh. The Bengals have rapidly become, along with the Panthers, a team I can automatically dismiss. Saints win.

Iggins!: Last year appears to have been the fluke. Saints win.

Mrs. Code Red: I love the picture of Drew Brees’s baby after the Superbowl win last year, so I’ll root for the Saints. '

Code Red: Oh Breesus, is there anyone your charming ways can't sway?

Browns @ Dolphins
Iggins!: Henne is back and the shininess of the Browns has worn off. Miami wins.

Code Red: The shininess only wore off because Jake Delhomme started. It appears he’ll start again this week, so there’s no way in hell I’m Not choosing the Dolphins. Phins win.

Mrs. Code Red: I literally couldn’t care less about these teams. Usually in that case I would pick based on which mascot I liked best, but one is a color (which I always find really stupid) and one is a dolphin (which couldn’t be less menacing or more lame) so I’ll flip a coin. Browns win.

Redskins @ Giants
Code Red: Guh. Every week logic tells you to pick whoever is playing against the Redskins and that's barely been a 50-50 proposition this week despite statistics telling us that the 'Skins should be closer to 0-11 than 5-6. The Giants have been wildly inconsistent lately. I'll take the Giants, but I won't be shocked if they fumble 17 times and the Redskins win 10-6 despite gaining 92 yards of total offense or something.

Iggins!: That was oddly specific. I will take the Giants.

Mrs. Code Red: He always bitches about how the Redskins can win games even though they get like half as many yards as the other team and also have zero talent. But since he still complains, I imagine they must still win. I’ll go with the Redskins.

Code Red: That's pretty spot-on, actually.

Jaguars @ Titans
Iggins!: With Rusty I don’t think the Titans can do anything. Haven’t heard from Randy Moss in a while. Jaguars win.

Code Red: Kerry Collins might start, but he also still sucks. Jaguars.

Mrs. Code Red: Well the AFC south is a cluster fuck of mediocrity this year, apparently, so neither. But I guess if I have to pick, I’ll go with Titans. Why not? Then all four teams could be tied with a wonderfully average 6-6.

Bears @ Lions
Code Red: Some morons have the Bears losing this game since “revenge” for the Calvin Johnson catch will have the Lions out for blood. Bah. Revenge doesn't fix a god-awful defense and Cutler is exceptionally fond of destroying that secondary. Bears win handily.

Iggins!: If revenge needs to be your motivator to beat a division opponent, you must suck. Bears win.

Mrs. Code Red: Bears. My man Julius Peppers is going to continue kicking butt.

Bills @ Vikings
Iggins!: I really hope the Vikings win so that Favre stays the starter, but I have to pick the Bills to win because God the Vikings are terrible (though apparently God hates Stevie Johnson more).

Code Red: Oh god dammit! I was going to pick the Bills. Since I need to disagree with you on something, I’ll take the Vikings very reluctantly.

Mrs. Code Red: Does Favre even understand the concept of playing football anymore? The goal is to get the ball to a guy in the same color jersey as you, buddy. Bills win even though they’re terrible.

Broncos @ Chiefs
Code Red: A few weeks ago in Denver the Broncos shocked the shit out of everyone by trouncing Kansas City 49-29. That would seem to indicate that one should pick Denver, but I'm willing to believe that that was merely a bad game that snowballed out of control. Denver can't stop anybody and seems to have quit on McDaniels, which is awesome. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: The Chiefs are going to be 8-4? What the hell is wrong with the NFL these days? Chiefs win.

Mrs. Code Red: Chiefs? I have no idea but I was trained by my 5th grade teacher to hate the Broncos as he used us in a war against one of the other teachers that was a Broncos fan, and that completely unnecessary and inexplicable disdain for the Broncos is still with me over a decade later.

Raiders @ Chargers
Iggins!: The natural order of things seems to be resetting itself, the Raiders suck and the Chargers win.

Code Red: Indeed. The Raiders still suck. Chargers win.

Mrs. Code Red: I’m pretty sure the Raiders are notoriously bad, so I’ll go with the Chargers.

Cowboys @ Colts
Code Red: The Colts aren't very good. The Cowboys are less good-er. I expect the Colts to put it back together for a week. Colts win.

Iggins!: Yeah the Colts are better than the Cowboys, but it appears Peyton may finally be on the downtick of his career. Colts win.

Mrs. Code Red: I like Tony Romo less than I like Peyton Manning. Go Colts.

Code Red: Actually, Romo isn't playing. Either way, someday you'll learn how to hate them both.

Rams @ Cardinals
Iggins!: What a travesty that the Rams will actually make the playoffs. Is it really so hard for the NFL to put in a provision that says a division winner is guaranteed a spot in the playoffs only if their record is over .500? Not hard. Rams win.

Code Red: It’d be more of a travesty if the Seahawks or 49ers made it. Rams win.

Mrs. Code Red: Okay, there are a lot of teams… Rams, because they appear to be way better.

Panthers @ Seahawks
Code Red: Seahawks.

Iggins!: Oh my God this game is awful. Seahawks win.

Mrs. Code Red: Seahawks. They beat the Bears, didn’t they? Yeah. Seahawks.

Code Red: Ouch.

Falcons @ Buccaneers
Iggins!: This game was so damn close in Atlanta, with the difference being Legarrette Blount’s inability to gain a yard to get into the endzone. I’ll take Tampa Bay. Home field advantage for Da Bears?

Code Red: Oh please. Tampa is a 7-9 team any other year but this year. Falcons win.

Mrs. Code Red: I want to say the Bucs because I love their cheerleaders’ outfits but reason tells me I should choose the Falcons because they’re a much better team. Falcons win.

Steelers @ Ravens
Code Red: Something about Baltimore seems hollow to me. They don't do anything on offense that's particularly great, and their pass rush hasn't seemed as impressive this year as in recent years. I'll take the Steelers, who nearly knocked Baltimore off with Charlie Batch holding them back early in the season.

Iggins!: Baltimore is the most overrated team in the league by far. They are just above average at everything they do. Steelers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Steelers.

Code Red: Well, that was awfully decisive.

Mrs. Code Red: They won the Superbowl two years ago, so they've got to be pretty good, right?

Code Red: Oh, well that's just unimpeachable logic.

Jets @ Patriots
Iggins!: This game is easier to pick than it looks. Brady is playing a great defense and he also has no defense to back him up. Jets win.

Code Red: Your logic is fairly solid, but Sanchez’s decent TD-INT ratio and late game heroics (against shitty teams) have hidden his rather mediocre performances. I don’t think he’ll repeat his great game from earlier this year against New England. Patriots win.

Mrs. Code Red: Hmm… good game. I really have no idea which of these two pretty good teams will win. I’ll say Pats because most of my family would kill me if they knew I didn’t. Go fack ya selves, New Yahk!

Code Red: It's true. She's half Mass-hole.

Magic 107 - Bulls 78 (Well... shit.)

You might remember back to when the Bulls beat the Suns that I wrote something along the lines of "The Bulls won't beat a good team if they keep imploding for a quarter every game." It should be no surprise then that the Bulls lost to the Magic after being outscored 33-15 in the second quarter. The domination doesn't end there, so on the night where the Bulls firmly cemented themselves as the third best team in the East (until they blast Boston on Friday and confuse everyone) I give you a special Bulls/Bears where you will find zero Bulls. Hate is more enjoyable to read than love anyway, so enjoy.

BEARS:

-Rebounding: This is the big one. The Bulls amassed 21 rebounds... for the entire game. 48 minutes, 21 boards. If that sounds bad, you A) Need to stop reading out loud, it's pissing off your wife/dog/mom and B) would be completely correct because that is, no exaggeration, the FEWEST rebounds the Chicago Bulls have ever accrued over the course of one game. That is in the entire history of the franchise. How did this happen, especially considering the Bulls have the number two rebounder in the league (Joakim Noah) and also that Carlos Boozer returned to the lineup tonight? Glad you asked...

-Everybody on the team had their worst night of the season. I am going out on a limb and saying Boozer will not have a worse line than 5 points and 2 rebounds in 22 minutes this season. Derrick Rose had 15 points and only 4 assists. Noah had 16 points and ZERO rebounds. Kyle Korver scored 6 points in 30 minutes. Nobody else on the team has stats even worth mentioning. It was so bad KURT THOMAS registered minutes! I thought Kurt Thomas died years ago! (and by that I mean I thought he got traded to Milwaukee OHHHHHHH God I hate the Bucks).

-The Bad Quarter. I feel like a broken record. Nearly every game the Bulls stop playing the way they should for one whole quarter. They rush shots, take too many jumpers, stop switching on defense, and everything falls apart rapidly. Common sense was they couldn't pull that against a great team, and tonight they played one of the two teams they can't pull that against in the Eastern conference. Some nights the bad quarter is because the team on the floor is the entire second string for 8 minutes. Sometimes it's because the Bulls get jumper-happy. Whatever it is, it needs to be addressed and remedied by the end of the regular season. Luckily, after the Bulls play the Celtics on Friday 10 of their 14 remaining December games come against teams with losing records, and two of those games against winning teams are against the Pacers and Knicks.

Lots to be upset about tonight, but I'm not going to jerk my knees and declare the Bulls in a state of emergency after one game. This was just a perfect storm. Everybody had a bad game, there looked to be some confusion due to Boozer's arrival, and that bad quarter reared its head again. I doubt this will all be fixed before the Celtics game, but looking at the schedule ahead there's a lot of hope that the Bulls can mesh in December and come out of it looking like they can challenge Orlando and Boston for the Eastern Conference.

Prognostication Bukakke, Championship Week

The Prognostication Bukakke draws to a close this week, as does the college football regular season, and my impregnable 21 game lead over Iggins! has more or less made continuing after the end of the college season a pointless exercise. For this week, however, I've decided to offer more potential humiliation for Iggins! (and possibly myself) by adding my fiancee to the ring, despite the fact that she was unaware of the existence of the Big East Conference and can't tell you the difference between the AFC and NFC. So here we go, with this final, special edition of the Prognostication Bukakke for 2010:

Standings:
Code Red: 129-66 (72-43 NFL, 57-23 NCAA)
Iggins: 108-87 (66-49 NFL, 42-38 NCAA)

Onto the picks:

Illinois @ Fresno State
Code Red: Last year Illinois was a terrible team that lost to a much better Fresno State team after a pass on a two point conversion was deflected and caught by a Fresno lineman who rumbled in for the winning score. This year a much better Illinois team takes on a Ryan Matthews-less Fresno team and I don't expect another let down. Illini win.

Iggins!: Quite right, also I would like to take this space to feel sorry for Boise State, who left for the Mountain West to try to gain some respect… and then TCU, BYU, and Utah promptly left. So… the Mountain West is basically the WAC now, right? Illini wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Since I have no real idea who is more likely to win any of these games, I’ll just make random guesses. I pick Illinois because I’m from that state.

Northern Illinois @ Miami of Ohio
Iggins!: Northern Illinois has been absolutely crushing people, and Miami backed into this game because of an Ohio loss. NIU wins.

Code Red: Indeed. Go NIU.

Mrs. Code Red: Northern Illinois. a) They have a better record b) I’m still from Illinois c) I can’t stand that the other school’s name is Miami of Ohio. That’s just stupid.

UConn @ South Florida
Code Red: Not a lot of games this week, so just about every game that wasn't a conference title game made the docket. Because the Big East blows, UConn can make the Orange Bowl as a four loss team if they win here. I'll pick USF out of spite for everything and everyone.

Iggins!: A Big East team making a BCS bowl is an unparalleled travesty. It will be made worse when USF wins.

Mrs. Code Red: Hmm… I'll go with UConn, because blue and silver looks better than Gold and Green.

USC @ UCLA
Iggins!: Wow, how the hell do you lose to Notre Dame? I’ll take USC to win, but GUFFAW right at Kiffykins.

Code Red: My lead is impregnable, so I’ll take UCLA just because I want them to win.

Mrs.Code Red: The Pac10 kind of blows this year. I’ll go with USC because I like the outfits their cheerleaders wear, even though they really aren’t very good since they got in trouble for paying that guy in BJs or whatever.

Code Red: Well, I'm glad that's what you got from my explanation of why Reggie Bush lost the Heisman.

SMU @ UCF
Code Red: I know nothing about either of these teams. I'll take UCF.

Iggins!: Oh yeah, UCF wins big.

Mrs. Code Red: I didn’t even know what these acronyms stood for. I’ll go with Southern Methodist since I sort of thought about applying for grad school there, and also because I still don’t know what school UCF is even after I looked it up.

Middle Tennessee State @ Florida International
Iggins!: Middle Tennessee just hired Dan McCarney. I will take FIU.

Code Red: I have no idea who the hell that is. Is that the guy that used to coach Iowa State? I’ll take Jonathan Quinn’s alma mater, Middle Tennessee State, because something about the name makes me laugh.

Mrs. Code Red: Middle Tennessee State? Sure, why not.

Code Red: Whenever I say Middle Tennessee State I say it like Monty Burns saying "there's a New Mexico?"



There's a Middle Tennessee?

Oregon @ Oregon State
Code Red: This has normally been a huge roadblock for Oregon on its quest for national title game slots, but I don't think Oregon State has the weapons on either side of the ball to keep up with the Ducks. Oregon wins handily and heads on to the national championship game.

Iggins!: God likes to shit on non-AQ schools, so Oregon wins.

Code Red: Non-what?

Mrs. Code Red: Oregon. I recently decided that since my dad lives there and I once watched a really good game in which this team won, they are now my back up to my back up team.

Code Red: Ironically, that was actually an Oregon State game we watched, but whatever, she's on a roll.

SEC Title Game: Auburn vs. South Carolina (NEUTRAL SITE)
Iggins!: See above, Auburn wins.

Code Red: It should be a high scoring affair, but much like last time, I expect ole Stephen Garcia to make just enough boneheaded turnovers to offset his generally good play and Auburn will lock up their title shot as well.

Mrs. Code Red: Auburn. They’re undefeated so I bet they’re better.

Code Red: Thorough.

ACC Title Game: Florida State @ Virginia Tech
Code Red: Oh look, it's the two premier teams of this league, and neither one is actually that good. The ACC in a nutshell. I'll take Virginia Tech, because I'll never shake my life-long dislike of the Florida State Seminoles.

Iggins!: Florida State is epicly mediocre, I will take VaTech.

Mrs. Code Red: I agree with Red. The ACC sucks. I’ve never been able to remember which teams are in it, probably because none of them are worth remembering. I’ll take Florida State, mainly because Red doesn’t want them to win.

Big 12 Title Game: Nebraska @ Oklahoma
Iggins!: Because I think it’s funny, Nebraska wins the Big 12 and promptly leaves forever.

Code Red: That would be amusing, but I have a feeling Nebraska’s offense will do one of its disappearing acts again. Oklahoma wins.

Mrs.Code Red: I am going with Nebraska because I live in the middle of Cornhusker-ville and it’s annoying when they lose and that’s all anyone talks about. Also, when I try to be interested in local teams, I don’t really mind rooting for the Huskers.

Well, there you go. NFL picks tomorrow.

Ruminate with Iggins!

Sometimes I see sports stories that need to be commented on, for whatever reason, be it their bearing on Chicago sports, my Hawkeyes, a random interest, or how badly the story sucks. Gathered here are my private thoughts on these things. WARNING: Code Red can attest that looking into my mind can sometimes be like falling into a Lovecraftian dimension. You have been warned.

-Tracy McGrady, who you will remember was rejected by the Bulls, recently said that Lebron James should have signed with Chicago because LBJ and Dwayne Wade refuse to play nice together and instead just stand motionless while the other has the ball. T-Mac is 100% correct, but the better question is if the Bulls would be better with LBJ (Because we all know the Bulls with Lebron would be better than the current Heat). The Bulls, to sign James with Boozer, would have had to trade Luol Deng, Taj Gibson, and James Johnson. They would have also lacked the money to resign Noah like they did, not to mention they wouldn't have had the money to sign Brewer, Korver, Bogans, or C.J Watson, leaving the Bulls to scrape the barrel like the Heat did for guys like Jerry Stackhouse. Is that a better team? When Boozer gets back the Bulls, in my mind, are very close to being the best team in the East. Derrick Rose has emerged as a premier scorer and distributor, and he has made Deng, Gibson, and Noah much better, to the point where I don't think having a Lebron James is worth losing all the rest of these players (especially considering Lebron would get along with Rose in much the same way as he gets along with Wade on the court). When the dust settles the winners of last summer's free agency may actually be the Bulls.

-Speaking of the Bulls, doesn't it feel like Ronnie Brewer should be starting over Keith Bogans? In two fewer minutes played per game he has more points, rebounds, and steals per game, not to mention his fg percentage is 50.8% while Bogans' fg percentage is a painful 36.2%, the lowest on the team! Ronnie even appears to play better defense and he has much more energy on the floor than Bogans. Thibs is doing a fantastic job with the team this year, and I understand a desire for continuity in the starting lineup, but maybe when Boozer comes back we move Brewer into the starting SG spot? He's earned it.

-There are two camps of belief about the Hawkeye's season. The first says that their 7-5 record is indicative of them being overhyped and a mediocre team. The second says that the Hawkeyes had no leadership or... jesus... "heart" and that is why they lost 5 games in exactly the same way (have the lead in the 4th quarter, give it away late, start a drive with around 2 minutes left, fail to do anything). I don't have a concrete answer for the shit I watched (Though I don't think either of those two possibilities are right), but I can definitely say that if something happens 3 times it is no longer a coincidence. Code Red blames Old Testament God. I think Ricky Stanzi sold wins and his testicles for good stats (to Satan of course). Sounds reasonable to me.

-also, tune in tonight to see the worst college basketball game played by two BCS conference schools all year! Iowa @ Wake Forest is on ESPNU in 20 minutes... you have been warned.

NFL Roundup, Week 12

Patriots 45, Lions 24
As my one concession to the deep-seated beast of superstition that lurks even in the hearts of the most rational sports fan, I generally don't trash the opposition on the week that the Bears will play them. Were I to do so, however, I would point out that secondary in Detroit is abominable. Also, I still like the matchup for the Bears at home against New England next week. That Patriots defense still has issues, and I think the Bears can get pressure on Brady.

Saints 30, Lions 27
As I watched Roy Williams hilariously fumble away a huge upset for the Cowboys, I tried to remember why exactly I bear so much ire against a guy who has generally been a marginal player on marginal or awful teams. Then loyal reader Apex put it thus:

"He was the ringleader and a standout in a long line of turds who made famous that whole Detroit Lions thing - where they dance around after every tackle and first down reception in the first half of any game and spend the entire second half forlornly explaining away turnovers and overall fuckups with a towel on their heads."

And then I remembered his guranteeing victory over the Bears back in 2006 before Chicago went out and swept Detroit by a combined 60-28 margin. Shit. I'm not trashing them. Swearsies.

Jets 26, Bengals 10
It really, really sucks to watch Carson Palmer right now. You people have no idea how much time and energy I invest in rooting for quarterbacks that I love solely based upon their magnificent ARMCOCKS. Or maybe you do. Either way, the sad deterioration of a man who was once the damn near Platonic Ideal of a quarterback just hurts. Rotator cuffs, folks. Check them, and check them often.

Falcons 20, Packers 17
Man. Nobody loses with more excuses than the god damn Green Bay Packers. Despite the fact that this is now the 4th loss they've suffered thanks to terrible penalties, a complete and utter inability to run the ball, and crippling turnovers at inopportune times, no one is willing to see those rather consistent markers indicative of a talented but perhaps undisciplined and (God forbid) flawed football team. I gather that Aaron Rodgers is an amazing quarterback, and that the Packers rack up a lot of yards and have an impressive point differential that's entirely inflated from three blowout wins over the Bills, Cowboys, and Vikings (9-24 combined with an average ranking of 25th in scoring defense), but when you lose four games for the same reasons it shouldn't be dismissed as a fluke or an easily correctable glitch. Also, I'm sorry for saying you were overrated, Atlanta. You're an impresisvely balanced team, but that defense seems to milquetoast to survive a long postseason run. They can't rush the passer with their front four. Hard to win a Superbowl like that.

Texans 20, Titans 0
I hate Vince Young. I really do. But if he could actually have played, rather than being forced into a season-ending surgery to open the door for Rusty Smith, and Fisher actually took carries away from Chris Johnson to show off Rusty Smith as a potential QB (QB rating of 25 through two games. Todd Collins is dying of envy, everyone else not so much), as some have rumored, then Fisher is the dumbest sonofabitch in the NFL.

Vikings 17, Redskins 13
That's good. The Vikings will now almost certainly keep Favre in long enough for his turnovers to hand a game in the Metrodome to the Bears.

Giants 24, Jaguars 20
Even after this game, I get the lurching feeling that the Jaguars may somehow win the AFC South. Then they'll have the most improbably postseason run of all time, and I will weep.

Steelers 19, Bills 16
Stevie Johnson blamed God for his five drops. I find that interesting, and, as a spiritual person, I must at least consider whether, perhaps, God truly does influence dropped passes. In that case, I truly wonder what horrible, horrible sins Rashied Davis has committed to bring on the unceasing fury of the Almighty.

Browns 24, Panthers 23
Jake Delhomme gave the Panthers every opportunity to win, but they came up just short. Hilarious, as Jake Delhomme is no longer a Panther. In fact, since I'll never forgive Jake Delhomme for the 2005 playoffs (JUST FUCKING DOUBLE COVER STEVE SMITH), here is his stat line since his 5 interception meltdown against Arizona in the 2008 playoffs:

15 games, 5-10 record, 252/450 (56.0%), 2789 YDs (6.2 YPA), 10 TDs, 29 INTs, 55.1 rating.

Perhaps I should start comparing people to an Old Jake Delhome rather than a Young Jake Plummer. Maybe quarterbacks named Jake are just doomed to mediocre career arcs that start or plummet into complete and total oblivion and inspire everyone to ask the question "How the f*&k is he still starting in the NFL?"

Chiefs 42, Seahawks 24
It's truly fitting that the AFC and NFC West are matched up this year in order to allow the eventual division champion of each to scrape to the 7-9 wins that will allow them to reach their first round playoff exit.

Dolphins 33, Raiders 17
Oh thank God. The Raiders still suck.

Baltimore 17, Tampa Bay 10
It may seem hypocritical to criticize Tampa Bay for being 7-0 against losing teams and 0-4 against winning teams when I've ranted against people using the Bears easy schedule against them, but the difference is that Chicago is now 2-1 against teams with winning records (although the fact that Seattle and Washington both have losing records makes those losses More embarrassing) but have been competitive and have at least been consistent defensively in every one of their games as the average score of their three losses is 19-12. Tampa Bay is clearly a mirage, however, when you look at the average score of their four losses: 28-13. They've actually been outscored on the season, and every one of their unit rankings, both offensive and defensive, is fairly mediocre outside of their 9th ranked scoring defense. They've really only been competitive in one of their losses this year. They got one TD in garbage time against the Ravens after trailing 17-3 and being virtually nonexistent on offense for most of the afternoon. The outcome was never in doubt.

Rams 36, Broncos 33
Sam Bradford and the Rams actually Bronco'd the Broncos to death, as Bradford has almost exclusively worked in the short passing game this year and is actually dead last in yards per completion, but he still worked his way to 300+ yards and a win over a terrible Broncos team in every respect. F*&k you, McWannstedt.

Chargers 36, Colts 14
Well, it's nice to see that the media will throw out every excuse for a Peyton 4 pick game that they bluntly dismissed in defense of Jay Cutler a few weeks ago. What's that? Manning has a subpar offensive line, an inconsistent running game, and young receivers? No quarterback could possibly be blamed for a four interception game with all that!

49ers 27, Cardinals 6
Derek Anderson followed up a very Old/Young Delplummer performance with an absolutely outstanding apeshit press conference:


For what it's worth, I don't really blame him. God knows we've all laughed at a funeral. The same thing happened to Erik Kramer during a loss back in 1997 or 1998, but I maintain that it's okay for Erik Kramer to laugh at being pulled for Rick Mirer or Steve Stenstrom.

I've Finally Figured It Out

I know now why I truly, deeply hate Josh McDaniels. It isn't just because of his smear campaign against Jay Cutler or his incessant arrogance despite being the guy that traded Peyton Hillis for Brady Quinn. No, it's because I've finally realized who he is. Josh McDaniels, ladies and gentlemen, is the Dave Wannstedt of the 2000s.

Look at the Similarities:

-Both took over for popular head coaches who had won Superbowls in the previous decade but had failed to win in the playoffs after the departure of many of the key players they had inherited (Payton and others for Ditka, Elway for Shanahan).

-Both were given nearly total authority over personnel decisions by the franchise owner, despite neither having any previous head coaching or GM experience.

-Both were young, hot coordinator prospects coming from the "elite" franchise of the decade, the 2000s Patriots and the 1990s Cowboys.

-Both started off surprisingly well, with Wannstedt's 93 Bears starting out 7-5 before a four game losing streak put them at 7-9, while McDaniels 6-0 start last year culminated in a 2-8 record over the last 10 and an overall .500 campaign. Wannstedt even made the playoffs in 1994 and nearly made them again in 1995 before his personnel decisions caused the team to collapse.

-The personnel decisions: Wannstedt made terrible first round picks, including a questionable pick at wideout (Curtis Conway) when the team had much more glaring needs, as well as two failed runningbacks (Salaam and Enis) and a terrible trade for a quarterback.

McDaniels has picked a wideout and a quarterback when those appear to be, if not the strong suit, at least nowhere near the most glaring weaknesses on his team, and he's drafted an underachieving runningback (Knowshon Moreno) which led him to trade away a far better player (Peyton Hillis). He also made a very questionable trade involving a quarterback. Robert Ayers (40 tackles and 2 sacks in 21 games), McDaniels' first round pick at linebacker, has been every bit as questionable as one of Wannstedt's first round picks at the position, John Thierry (never had more than 4 sacks in a season with the team).

- Finally, Wannstedt clearly should have been fired before his team's 8-24 death spiral in 97-98, but McCaskey was unwilling to fire him with money and years remaining on his contract. McDaniel's is just 5-16 in his last 21 games, but will most likely keep his job for another year as Bowlen still owes Shanahan money and would be unlikely to pay two coaches to not coach.

So there you have it, I hate Josh McDaniels because he reminds me of that hare-lipped bastard who nearly ruined my childhood. Fuck you, Josh.

College Football Roundup Week 13

Texas A&M 24, Texas 17
Mike Sherman finally gets a win over Texas and has built a team that could win 10 games if they win their bowl. How the bloody hell did that happen?

Auburn 28, Alabama 27
That was miraculous. The way Auburn's defense was playing in the game (and all season) had me convinced there was no way in hell they'd even come close to a comeback. I was gearing up for a Boise State title run and then... Cam Newton put on his brass balls and stuck it to Saban. Whatever the guy did off the field, he's just unbelieveable on it. Vince Young didn't dominate the college game in 2005 like Newton is doing right now.

Oregon 48, Arizona 29
I don't give a shit about TCU or BCS busting anymore. I want to see Oregon go up against Auburn in the title game.

Nevada 34, Boise State 31
I hate when people blame the kicker for this shit. Boise had a 24-7 lead. Point the finger at every guy in that locker room. It sucks that all of Boise's hard work ended like this, but if they want to talk about fairness, well, every other team in the country plays with the same razor-thin margin of error.

Connecticut 38, Cincinnati 17
A win over South Florida next week will put 8-4 UConn into the BCS. The Big East, Folks. Fuck em.

Michigan State 28, Penn State 22
Ohio State 37, Michigan 7
Wisconsin 70, Northwestern 23

Thoughts: Michigan State is clearly the 3rd best of these three teams. Michigan's defense is so porous that Terrelle Pryor can actually pass against it. Wisconsin is a merciless fear engine that will pummel you into the depths of hell.

Minnesota 27, Iowa 24
Poor Iggins! I normally laugh at Iowa's failures, but he just lost his beloved Floyd of Rosedale. In this case, I'm fucking guffawing.

Arkansas 31, LSU 23
ARMCOCKANSAS mercilessly removes any chance whatsoever of Les Miles backing his way into the National Title game in an apocalyptic scenario.

Oklahoma 47, Oklahoma State 41
Poor OK State. Thought it would finally be there year, but instead Oklahoma locks up the spot in the Big 12 title game against Nebraska. Probably for the best.

Bears 31, Eagles 26- ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Don't let the final score deceive you. Classic Lovie Prevent defense aside, this was a total asskicking of the team that NFL Network was describing as "this year's Saints." What excuse will they find to dismiss the Bears this week? You're looking at a damn good football team, folks, and I don't care who disagrees.

Onto the breakdown:

THE GOOD:

Jay Cutler: 14/21 (66.7%) for 247 yards, 4 TDS, 0 INTS, a 146.2 rating and one absolutely bullshit unsportsmanlike call where I was only too pleased to see him give the ref the asschewing he deserved. Cutler had undoubtedly his best game as a Bear and maybe as a pro. He threw in 17 yards rushing for good measure. In a game that was supposed to be about Michael Vick, Jay Cutler stole the day and didn't give it back.

Matt Forte: 14 carries for a 117 yards. He was outstanding and was a huge part of the clock-killing 3rd quarter drives that essentially sealed the game for the Bears. That a boy, Matty.

Johnny Knox: 3 catches, 68 yards and a TD to go with the recovery on the last onside kick.

Earl Mother Fuckin' Bennett: The best damn slot receiver the Bears have had in a long god damn time. He had four huge catches and two TDs. Shirtless manhug for you, Earl.

Devin Hester: He had 3 catches for 86 yards, both of which set up scores. He's learning how to come back to the ball when Jay has to scramble, and he clearly influenced the Eagles' gameplan on punts and kicks. Great job. Best game the wide receiver corps had all year.

Greg Olsen: He had only one catch, but it was the most impressive TD catch of his career.

The Front Seven: Urlacher, Briggs, and every single defensive lineman on the field had a huge game. Vick's final numbers look good, but for 3 quarters before Lovie unwisely eased up these guys forced Vick into his worst game of the year. Julius Peppers had one absolutely beastly sack in the first half to end an Eagles threat in the red zone. Idonijie, Melton, and Toeina continued to dominate the interior and even Tommie Harris got into the action with a huge tip that led to the game-changing interception. Boners.

The Bad:

Frank Omiyale: Guh. 3 of Cutler's 4 sacks should be credited to Omiyale, and he did his part as usual to ensure the Bears kept the league lead in false starts. Fuck you, Frank.

Lovie Smith: The gameplan was brilliant until the 4th quarter. I don't blame him for the last TD that was just plain miraculous, but the prevent defense with 11 minutes left in the 4th? He's lucky Andy Reid was determined to lose this game and kicked 2 nonsensical field goals, because the Bend but Don't Break came way too damn close.

Andy Reid: seriously, man. How does someone as dumb as you build such a consistently good football team?

Rick Morrissey: What aren't you impressed with this week, fuckhead?

Circus Trip Retrospect

The Bulls just wrapped up the annual "circus trip", a 7 game road trip that takes place while the circus takes over the United Center, by coming back (again) to beat the Kings 96-85, leaving them with a 4-3 record on the trip (their first winning record on the thing since before you had the internet). Some seriously crazy shit happened on the trip, so let's recap with some quick Bull/Bears for each game.

Bulls 95 - Houston 92

-Bull: Nice start to the trip. The Bulls really needed to start strong against a bad Rockets team. Rose dropped 33 points before that became routine for him and the Bulls extended the Rockets' losing streak to 4.

-Bear: The Bulls got dominated in the 3rd quarter (30-14), their quarter of choice to get dominated in up until the last 3 games. Still, a nice win.

Spurs 103 - Bulls 94

-Bull: Rose dropped another 33 points, Noah grabbed 14 rebounds, and the Bulls looked great against one of the best teams in the west for a half.

-Bear: Once again, the Bulls got dominated in the 3rd quarter, 37-12 this time, and despite Derrick's 33 points he only has 4 assists and appears to be trying to do too much on the floor at times. However, this was the second game on the road in as many games, and it was against a great team.

Bulls 88 - Mavericks 83

-Bull: Rose drops 22, Taj Gibson is the star of the night with 17 points and 18 rebounds.

-Bear: To be honest this game was awful to watch. Both teams deserved to be put away, but nobody stepped up. The Bulls practically won by default. They tried to blow it in the third quarter AGAIN, with the quarter starting out 20-4 in favor of the Mavericks, but finished the third on a 13-4 run to make it more respectable. 18 turnovers for the Bulls... the list goes on. Beating the Mavericks is a great accomplishment, but make no mistake, neither team can afford to play like they did in this game and win a title.

Lakers 98 - Bulls 91

-Bull: The Bulls avoided the bad quarter and hung with the champs the whole game, the only thing that stood between them and victory was a barrage of Laker 3 pointers in the 4th that gave them 9 points in under 40 seconds. Rose hit 30 again and also managed 8 assists, Noah grabbed 13 rebounds and 4 steals, and the Bulls held Kobe to 20 points.

-Bear: The loss, and that's really it. It's ironic that they looked so bad in getting a win over Dallas and looked so great in losing to the Lakers.

Bulls 123 - Suns 115 (2OT)

(Look under this post)

Nuggets 98 - Bulls 97

-Bull: What a heartbreaker. C.J. Watson timed his 1 great game of the year perfectly (33 points), overcome shooting below 40% and not having Derrick for the night, and avoid a bad quarter for the 3rd time in 4 games... and screw it all up at the very end. Great night for Noah and Korver as well, and the bench showed how good it can be. Tough to take this one.

-Bear: John Lucas 3 missed two free throws to leave the Bulls with a 1 point lead with 13 seconds left. Then Melo misses a shot to win the game! There are 3 Bulls right there to rebound! Game ov... and the three Bulls knock the ball out of bounds, setting up Melo to hit the game winner as time expired. My heart hurts.

Bulls 96 - Kings 85

-Bull: Rose drops another 30, this time with 7 assists and 7 rebounds to go with it and the Bulls overcome a 13 point halftime deficit to beat a terrible Kings team. Not too remarkable.

-Bear: The Bulls were the first team to be losing to the Kings at halftime this year. That is how bad the Kings are, and the Bulls were down 13. Derrick once again picked it up in the fourth, but it has to be a bit concerning that the Bulls ended this trip by coming back from way down the last 3 games.

Overall, a great trip. The Bulls are currently 9-6 and are going to get even better soon with Boozer practicing tomorrow and hopefully returning Wednesday. More later, mostly about my inability to find Keith Bogans on the court (invisibility cloak?!) and musings about Thibodeau and of course the Heat (Shadenfreude!).

Bulls-123, Suns-115 (Bulls and Bears)

Considering the circumstances, that was an incredible win for the Bulls. Down 23 at one point in the first quarter the Bulls stormed back to win in 2 overtimes, overcoming not only the deficit and fatigue from playing the Lakers the night before, but also the injury to Taj Gibson. What went more right than wrong to send the Bulls to a 3-2 record with 2 games left on the circus trip?:

Bull Market!

- The Defense. After that awful showing in the first quarter the defense tightened up and executed the gameplan that they seemed to forget for 12 minutes. They slowed the game down and contested every shot, causing the Suns to frequently heave shots as time expired.

- Derrick Rose. Derrick has that rare personality that causes him to get better in the 4th quarter and beyond. He ended up with 35 points, 12 rebounds, and 7 assists, and hit several key shots to keep the Bulls in the game, including the tying free throws in the fourth quarter, and the tying layup in the first overtime.

- Joakim Noah. This is the reason trading him and Deng for Melo isn't a good idea. Noah does everything; assists, rebounds, points, and he seems to clean up at least three Rose misses a game with tip-ins. Beautiful steal on Steve Nash tonight, too.

-James Johnson. He'll probably fade like he did last time he had a big game, but Thibodeau can't keep him out of the rotation after he dominated so often in this game.

Bear Market.

-The Bad Quarter. It's plagued this team all season. Normally the second or third quarter,

but tonight the first, the Bulls have at least one bad breakdown for 12 minutes a game. It's

something that needs to be fixed before the Bulls can cement themselves as the best in the East

with the Celtics and Magic.

-Offensive Pacing. The Bulls tried to run with the Suns the entire first quarter, and we saw

what happened there. The Bulls are great when they play half-court basketball, too often did

they take quick jump shots in this game and it put them in a hole early.

-Rebounding. Boy did the Bulls miss Taj. The stats are skewed in the Bulls favor because of

the two OT periods and the end of the 4th, but for three periods the Bulls got rocked on the

boards. Noah can't do it all, kids.

Next up is Denver on Friday in a very winnable game. Thank God the Bulls have one day to rest,

they'll need it after this one.

Around the NFL, Week 11

Steelers 35, Raiders 3
Oh thank God. The Raiders fans have been mildly humbled but not enough that they've been severed from the mistaken premise that they have a good football team. Guh.

Jaguars 24, Browns 20
Fuck you, Jacksonville.

Redskins 19, Titans 16
My long-standing hatred of Vince Young appears justified by the fact that he's a petulant, entitled dickhead who won't take another snap in a Titan's uniform.

Jets 30, Texans 27
The Texans' defense is a disgrace to football and America.

Ravens 37, Panthers 13
Sky=Blue.

Packers 31, Vikings 3
The game that lowered the Childress-axe for once and for all. I, for one, wish he'd have kept that job forever.

Chiefs 31, Cardinals 13
The Cardinals were better in the days of young Jake Plummer. He could pull off 3-7 in Style.

Cowboys 35, Lions 19
Yeah, this little two game streak of competence will end now that New Orleans is rolling into town for Thanksgiving.

Bills 49, Bengals 31
Oh my God the Bengals are terrible.

Saints 34, Seahawks 19
The Seahawks will probably make the playoffs at 8-8 despite losing to Denver, St. Louis, New York, Oakland, and New Orleans by an average of 23 points. The entire NFC West has been outscored on the season by their opponents. Not a single one of them deserves a winning record. But one of them will make the playoffs and someone out of Chicago, Green Bay, New Orleans, Tampa Bay, the Giants, or the Eagles will not. There's no justice in this world.

Bucs 21, 49ers 0
That said, I hope Tampa doesn't make it either.

Falcons 34, Rams 17
Atlanta gets better every week.

Patriots 31, Colts 28
I know he's Peyton Manning and he's a record-setter and a SB champion QB (against Rex Grossman) but I can't help but get frustrated when he throws 3 interceptions, costs his team the win, mopes, pouts, screams at his linemen, and the media praises his fire and passion. Meanwhile, Earl Bennett just sneezed and tv replays clearly show that Jay Cutler did Not say God Bless You, and Tony Dungy just broke down his poor manners on Football Night in America.

Eagles 27, Giants 17
The Giants actually did a good job of containing Vick, and Eli Manning kindly threw the game away. Hopefully the Bears can do a better job of eliminating mistakes.

Chargers 35, Broncos 14
Suck it, McDaniels.

That's all for this week, folks. No Prognostication Bukakke this week as it's a holiday and my 21 game lead over Iggins! more or less dictates that he's a ball of yarn which I may drag out of the cupboard whenever I wish to bat him around before shelving him indefinitely. See ya Monday.
Go Bears.

College Football Roundup

Michigan State 35, Purdue 31
Dammit, Purdue. You had a chance to ensure that MSU would be out of the running and you blew it. I've got nothing against MSU, but the old eyeball chart tells me that they would be the least deserving of the three tied teams if they went to the Rose Bowl. At least next year there'll be a championship game to solve this.

Wisconsin 48, Michigan 28
Wisconsin once again makes its case for being the most-deserving team.

Stanford 48, California 14
Stanford. They're really good.

Virginia Tech 31, Miami 17
Yep. VT has once again recovered from a miserable early season loss to become the ACC Coastal Champion. Because the ACC is always willing to have its title contention wrecked by Labor Day.

Illinois 48, Northwestern 27
Bowl eligibility! The elusive beast has been snared in its cage! Some numbers: Illinois had 559 total yards. 519 of those on the ground. Mikel LeShoure, I love you.

Ohio State 20, Iowa 17
I really thought Iowa would win this game. Alas, Tressel has once again maneuvered himself into position to possibly secure a BCS bowl game that he will most likely lose.

LSU 43, Ole Miss 36
Had all the zaniness you'd expect from Les Miles vs. Houston Nutt.

Arkansas 38, Mississippi State 31 (2OT)
Armcock!

Oklahoma 53, Baylor 24
3 straight ranked opponents have pummeled Baylor's season into mediocrity. Next year, Baylor. Next year. Enjoy the Holiday Bowl or something.

Texas A&M 9, Nebraska 6
Nebraska! Offense disappearing at inopportune moments since 2001!

Oregon State 36, USC 7
Ha! Eat a dick, Kiffin.

The Heat are why people hate the NBA

Being as my personal life has finally settled down (as has my laziness) I figure I'll write a few articles about the sports that Code Red has little to no knowledge of, those sports being basketball (due to a traumatic childhood incident), hockey, and combat sports. I could write about football or baseball, but years of exposure to him have proven, at the very least, that he knows more about baseball than 99.9% of the population and as my picks record indicates, he can say whatever he wants about football this year and I will accept it as fact.

There have been at least one hundred thousand articles written about why the Heat are going to win five titles or why they will win none, and by now everybody who watches the NBA has their own opinion that won't be changed until somebody wins the title in 2011. I, like anybody outside of South Beach (and only 36% of the African-American population, apparently, though that discussion is for another day) want the entire team to crash in a horrifying airplane crash. My reasoning is slightly different though. Whereas most people hate them either because they are seen as too good, dishonorable, or some other nonsense, I hate them because they are ruining a potential renaissance of basketball by trying to convince the masses that NBA basketball is the same as they perceived it when Jordan retired.

Most people will remember that when Jordan retired a wave of cocky Jordan wannabe's came into the NBA. Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Latrell Sprewell, Allen Iverson. All tiny, cocky, annoying, narcissists looking only to make a name for themselves (victories and humility be damned). This black hole era where common sense was to find a shooting guard willing to toss up half your team's shots in lieu of running the team's offense almost killed the NBA completely.

You'll remember that I'm writing about the Heat, and here is my point. The NBA has finally come around to building teams again. Teams filled with great players who know their roles, have decent personalities, and fit into a coaches system. Teams built to win, not to fill seats! And eventually the fans would return, not because of some flash in the pan like the MLB had with the home run chase between Sosa and McGwire or like the NBA had with Bird and Magic, but like the NFL did it; with great play, strategy, consistency, and a great overall product.

Then here come the Heat, and out crawl all the people who haven't watched the NBA since Jordan played. Instead of returning slowly because they realized that the overall product was fun to watch, and the players fun to listen to and easy to relate to, they have all run back at once to see the Heat.

Of course, if these people had watched the NBA they would realize that the Heat can't win a title like they are now, and here is why:

1: They have no point guard. In the NBA right now there are too many point guards who need to be guarded by an equal. Derrick Rose, Deron Williams, Chris Paul, Rajon Rondo, Russell Westbrook, even Jameer Nelson and Tony Parker among them, and they don't have anyone who can come close to defending those guys.

2: They have no inside presence. They overvalued Bosh because he looked great on an awful team. Now everyone can see he's basically a scared Pau Gasol. The Heat's 4 and 5 position combo is the softest in the league defensively, and offensively they are going to get harassed by every team with a dominant defensive big, i.e. the Bulls, Magic, Celtics, Mavericks, Spurs, Lakers, Hornets, etc.

3: Lebron James and Dwayne Wade are great defenders when they want to be, but they're matched up against positions that, in the current NBA, are filled with players made to play defense! The Bulls, Celtics, Mavericks, and Hornets get most of their offense elsewhere, which nullifies the one good defensive aspect of the Heat!

To recap, the best offensive players the Heat have match up against the best defenders on the best teams in the league, and the best defenders on the Heat match up against, at most, the number 3 or 4 scoring threats on the best teams. The Heat weren't built as a team, they were built to play streetball and sell tickets. They were built in the memory of that awful, ancient idea that came about after Jordan retired that suggests all you have to do is throw enough talent and shot takers onto a team and they'll win.

I hope that the fans who are drawn in by the Heat will realize how great the league has become after recovering from the post-Jordan days, and stay fans of the NBA and their teams, but what I fear will happen is people will come to watch the Heat, grow to hate the Heat because they epitomize why fans left to begin with, and leave when the Heat dissolve because they believe the NBA is the same as it was.

As someone who never stopped watching the Bulls, and struggled through the post-Jordan years in the NBA, take my advice: come to hate the Heat, stay because the NBA is good again.

Bears 16, Dolphins 0. The Return of BEAR FOOTBAW

Expect plenty of happy Bears fans and Doug Buffones this week. Chicago won tonight using the city's favorite style of football. The offense didn't have to do much, as the defense was more than willing to slap Tyler Thigpen around whenever he got cute and acted like he belonged on the same field as them. Overall, solid game by everybody except J'Marcus Webb. TO THE RECAP:

THE GOOD:

Matt Forte: He came up just shy of a hundred yards, but Matt did an excellent job moving the chains tonight. This is the first game in a while where Matt went out and took over. The Carolina game was nice, but this is the game Forte needed to have to silence some of his critics he think he doesn't run hard or decisively.

Julius Peppers: He should really be in this category every week. I know he only had 2 sacks coming into tonight, but is there any doubt that the defensive resurgence this year is 50% Julius Peppers, 50% healthy Urlacher/Briggs? The guy just wrecks offensive game plans. He has been instrumental in ruining every team's run game as well. Tonight he erupted for 3 sacks. You're the man, Pep.

Robbie Gould: He's the balls. That is all.

Brian Urlacher: Oh man. He destroyed Thigpen. Congrats on tying Singletary's record for most tackles. Even if I want to facepalm every time you talk, I'll love you forever big guy.

Any other defensive lineman: Melton and Izzy had sacks and the Bears had 6 total. Miami gained just 39 yards rushing. Only 12 yards came from plays that weren't just Thigpen scrambles.

Devin Hester: He put the Bears in good field position most of the night. As usual. He did drop a TD pass, though. So, don't do that.

THE BAD:

Jay Cutler: He "managed" the game well most of the night, to use one of my favorite (not) cliches in sports, but that interception was brutal. The Dolphins have a fantastic secondary, but Jay made them look better than they are on a few plays. I won't hate too much, because he's my boy and frankly every completion he had had to be perfect against that secondary, but on a night when everyone else was an A, Jay was a C+

J'Marcus Webb: Okay. Not everyone else was an A. Webb was a big fat pile of FFFFail tonight. Jesus. Cameron Wake should get to take him home as a pet tonight, because he straight up owns Webb's ass.

That's all for tonight. Great win, and 7-3 is damn solid. The schedule doesn't have any easy outs the rest of the way, but that defense (Tyler Thigpen be damned, I don't think anybody'd have been able to beat that defense tonight) will keep them in every one of them. If the offensive line holds it together and Cutler steps it up, they'll be in the playoffs.

Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 11

Bears @ Dolphins
Code Red: I don't think people should be salivating like they are over an easy Bears win over a Dolphins team starting Tyler Thigpen and possibly missing Jake Long. I really liked what Thigpen did as a rookie in Kansas City. It'll be interesting to see if Sparano tries to run the ball against the Bears D or if he'll do what suits Thigpen best and spreads it out. That's what Gailey did for Thigpen in KC and it led to an 18-12 TD:INT ratio, pretty solid for a first year player. I don't know if Miami will trust him that much. That said, I really do think the Bears will win this game by a respectable margin.

Iggins!: Thigpen isn’t a terrible QB, but against the Bears defense he will look like it. Not to mention the Dolphin running game is less than mediocre, and they’re facing a great run D. The thing to be concerned about is the fantastic Dolphins pass defense, but I think the Bears will make it through that to pull off a squeaker. Bears win.

Redskins @ Titans
Iggins!: So hopefully Donovan and everyone else has realized he isn’t going to see any of that money in his contract. Titans win.

Code Red: I still don't buy that the Redskins were actually shrewd. There's something hidden and idiotic in that contract. Titans win.

Bills @ Bengals
Code Red: Hmm..do the Bills pick up two wins in a row for the first time since Clinton was in office or can the Bengals snap their seven game losing streak. I'm actually going to roll with Buffalo.

Iggins!: The Bengals will win, and I swear you won’t see so much as a mention of it anywhere outside of Cincinnati.

Browns @ Jaguars
Iggins!: What a ridiculously hard game to pick. The Browns are playing well above how good they are and the Jaguars seem to win or lose via a random drawing. I’ll take the Browns.

Code Red: The Browns are a solid team fundamentally. Jacksonville is not. Browns win.

Lions @ Cowboys
Code Red: For a while the Lions were good but not lucky. Now I think they're just bad. Tough to lose as many close ones as they have, and to lose Stafford again. Cowboys win.

Iggins!: The Lions have a losing mentality. They have lost close games for 4 years now. No reason to expect that to change. Cowboys win.

Raiders @ Steelers
Iggins!: I won’t fall into your trap, Oakland. The Steelers will bounce back here. Steelers win.

Code Red: Agreed. Oakland doesn't have the passing game to attack the Steelers like New England and New Orleans did. Steelers win.

Cardinals @ Chiefs
Code Red: I expect the Chiefs to stop their slide. Their defense is better than it has looked the last two weeks. That, and Arizona sucks like a 53 man roster of Jake Plummers. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: Lots of hate for Jake Plummer from you. Why not pick on Kordell? Chiefs win.

Code Red: Its a long story.

Packers @ Vikings
Iggins!: Favre has a knack for being a dick, I expect him to win here, but I really want him to first break both his legs in this game, then right after the game be informed that he will be suspended for eternity for exposing himself, then get brought to court and registered as a sex offender. So… let’s make that happen. Vikings win.

Code Red: I wish. Packers win.

Ravens @ Panthers
Code Red: Ravens win.

Iggins!: Ravens win.

Texans @ Jets
Iggins!: Oh my beloved Texans, why do you do this every year? Your offense is so stacked! The Texans are in serious need of a new OC. Jets win.

Code Red: They're on pace for the 2nd worst scoring defense of all time and you want to fire the OFFENSIVE coordinator? Jets win.

Falcons @ Rams
Code Red: Ahh. Matt Ryan, former wonder-rookie leading a surprise contender vs. Sam Bradford, current wonder rookie leading a surprise contender. I'll take the veteran. Falcons win.

Iggins!: I need to pick up more games so RAMS in an upset!

Bucs @ 49ers

Iggins!: The Bucs have done a good job of cleaning up all the teams they should this year, so I expect them to win here. Bucs win.

Code Red: The Bucs have another game against the Falcons and the Saints. Those two, plus an upset loss to the Troy Smith-led (Jesus Christ) 49ers should get them out of playoff contention. Where they belong. 49ers win.

Seahawks @ Saints
Code Red: The Seahawks will probably get blown out by 3 touchdowns and then continue on their way to an 8-8 division title. Saints win.

Iggins!: I hate the NFC West with every fiber of my being. Saints win.

Colts @ Patriots
Iggins!: I hate that this is some kind of annual matchup now. I most hate having to hear about it for 7 days until it happens. Patriots win, and let’s be done with this BS.

Code Red: Wait, how did NBC NOT make this the Sunday night game for the first time in 17 years? Colts win.

Giants @ Eagles
Code Red: Michael Vick was outstanding Monday night, and has been all season, but let's not lose sight of the fact that he's yet to face a defense ranked higher than 21st in the NFL as a starter this year. I think the Giants will rebound from their disaster against the Cowboys and hold Vick to non-video game like numbers. Giants win.

Iggins!: I’m going to guess Vick gets injured and Kolb comes in, throws for 300 yards and Shady racks up over 150 total yards, thus causing Philly fan’s heads to explode in confusion over who to hate (because they can’t just love having two good QBs! No, now they have to trade Kolb because keeping the best backup in the NFL for 1.4 million next year to back up your injury prone QB who throws his body around like a kamikaze would be stupid. Fuck you Philly.) Eagles win.

Broncos @ Chargers
Iggins!: The Broncos offense is consistently frightening, it’s just rare to see them get in the end zone as much as they did last week. I’m betting this is one of the weeks where Orton gets 400 yards passing but only 13 points. Chargers win.

Code Red: The Broncos offense is consistently one dimensional and racks up hollow stats against most average-to-above average defenses. The Chargers won't melt down like the Chiefs. Chargers win.

Prognostication Bukakke, NCAA Week 12

The Standings:

Code Red: 111-59 (62-38 NFL, 49-21 NCAA)
Iggins!: 94-76 (56-44 NFL, 38-32 NCAA)

Yes, that is a 17 game lead. Thanks to a 9-1 streak in my NCAA picks last week (as opposed to a solid .500 for Iggins!) I have absolutely buried my rival. But the charade must continue:

Wisconsin @ Michigan
Code Red: Wisconsin is the best team in the Big Ten without a doubt. Wisconsin wins.

Iggins!: So I was banking on Michigan winning this game before last week, then Iowa did that thing they do every year, but I’ll still bank on Wisconsin screwing this up. Michigan wins.

Virginia Tech @ Miami
Iggins!: Virginia Tech is so goddamned predictable. Throw yourself out of the National Title picture then don’t lose again the rest of the year. Winning when there’s no pressure doesn’t count, Frank. Virginia Tech wins.

Code Red: Wait. Is there ever pressure in the ACC? VT wins.

Illinois @ Northwestern
Code Red: Please, Zook. Get to a god damn bowl game and beat a Northwestern team that doesn't have their starting quarterback. Illini win. Please.

Iggins!: You’re welcome. We injured their QB on the play that cost us the game. I have a sneaking suspicion they have another shifty spread QB ready behind Persa, but I’ll take the Illini to win.

Ohio State @ Iowa
Iggins!: Life sucks. At least I have the Bears? Now that Iowa has no pressure on they’ll probably win by 20. Iowa wins.

Code Red: I actually think Iowa will win this game. They should be able to befuddle Terrelle Pryor and shut down the running game. However, I'm going to pick Ohio State, because I'm going to give this kid a few shots at maybe crawling back to respectability.

Arkansas @ Mississippi State
Code Red: Mallett's armcock will be the difference. Armcockansas wins.

Iggins!: Learned your lesson about betraying Mallett, eh? Arkansas wins.

Oklahoma @ Baylor
Iggins!: Oklahoma is the model of inconsistency, so any pick I give here has a 50-50 shot at being right. I’ll take Baylor at home?

Code Red: I'll take Oklahoma then.

Nebraska @ Texas A&M
Code Red: Hmm. Ryan Tannehill doesn't seem to be the guaranteed 4 pick monster that J-Rod would be in this game. Texas AM may stand a chance, but Nebraska should win.

Iggins!: I don’t want to live in a world where Sherman has a winning team. Nebraska wins.

North Texas @ LA Monroe
Iggins!: What the hell is this shit? What’s the line on this game? You made me do research, asshole! So from what I can tell North Texas has lost all its close games, and ULM has lost by wide margins and won their close games. I will take ULM.

Code Red: I guess I'll take the Mean Green then.

Idaho @ Utah State
Code Red: There were a bunch of shitty games this week, so again I chose to pick some shitty teams. Idaho has a good QB, so I'll take the Vandals.

Iggins!: Did you see that shitheap Idaho calls a stadium? How embarrassing. Utah State wins.

Eastern Michigan @ Buffalo
Iggins!: WOW these teams suck. Buffalo?

Code Red: Eastern Michigan it is.

Miscellani

SKOSCAST tonight at 7:00 PM central time. Game starts at 7:20. Be there or, well, I can't really get mad at you, I've not been in the shoutbox for the last 4 games. But still, I'll be there tonight (and probably intoxicated by halftime), so you should too.

Apologies for the delay in posting this week's Prognostication Bukakke. Iggins! hasn't yet responded to my threats of abuse and gotten his picks in. We'll try to have those up before tonight's game. The kid just doesn't want to wake up and look at his SEVENTEEN game deficit in the standings.

See ya tonight, folks.

F*&king Rick Morrissey. That F*&king F*&k.

You know the drill. Assface is in italics:

Not impressed with Bears

They don't think much of you either, pal.

Several readers chided me Monday for writing about Devin Hester's performance against the Vikings rather than the Bears' overall effort.

I'm sure that was just one of many, many complaints.

They thought I was stubbornly refusing to give the team credit for the victory. There's a very good explanation for that.

You're an insufferable shitbag who chose the Vikings to win, and, as usual, won't own up to the fact that you were wrong? Much like your nearly two-year long smear campaign against Jay Cutler based solely on the fact that you said the Bears shouldn't trade for him?

I was.

Yep.

I'm still having a hard time seeing the Bears as a good football team, especially with the soft-as-a-kitten first-half schedule they recently completed and the here-comes-the-falling-anvil set of games ahead

Right. You should judge them based on games they haven't played yet. Good move!

Maybe it's a genetic thing or maybe I have a chemical imbalance or maybe my eyesight is starting to fail me.

Maybe you're just a cynical douche.

Or maybe I'm right.

This, folks, is Rick Morrissey in a fucking nutshell. In an a week where he should be writing about how he was adamant that the Vikings would win the game, he STILL sits there with a ridiculously undeserved sense of omniscience. "MAYBE I'M RIGHT." Didn't think of that, did you assholes? You'll hear about it if he is. Of course, if he's wrong he'll just write another god damn article saying why the Bears somehow still fail to satisfy his ever-changing and always-retarded standards and his confirmation bias will never, ever allow them to prove him wrong.

When will I be satisfied? When the Bears beat somebody. I don't consider the Vikings to be especially good, not with an aging, battered quarterback and a coach who waddles and quacks like a lame duck.

Mind you, Rick picked that team to beat the Bears Sunday.

And even with all that going against them, I thought they were going to beat the Bears on Sunday. That's where my belief level was and is at.

Because nothing can change your opinion, even when you're proven wrong. That's quality journalism, folks.

I'm looking for quality victories. I know the argument: Any victory is a quality victory in the NFL, especially in the current watered-down version of the league. It's one of those arguments that doesn't have a lot of meat to it, but one that, ultimately, can't be dismissed. Yes, a team's record is the bottom line.

You know what doesn't have a lot of meat to it? Saying a team isn't very good because all they've done is won, but just not in the vaguely unspecified "quality" way you're looking for.

But I also know what a good team looks like. A good team beats up on the Lions. A good team destroys the Bills. A good team doesn't lose to the Seahawks at home.

Exactly. A good team beats up the Lions (lost by 2 to the Packers, 3 to Eagles, 3 to the Jets, 8 to the Giants). A good team destroys the Bills (lost by 8 to the Patriots, lost by 3 in overtime to the Ravens). Hey, how about I further demolish this theory? A good team doesn't lose by 20 to the Browns. A good team doesn't get upset by the Cowboys at home. A good team doesn't lose at home to the Redskins. A good team doesn't lose to the Cardinals and Browns. Either there are no good teams in the entire fucking NFL, or Rick Morrissey is the biggest fucking moron to ever pick up a god damn pen.

The six teams the Bears have beaten have a combined record of 15-39. The three teams they've lost to have a combined record of 15-11.

That says a lot more to me than their 6-3 record.

Again. Welcome to the god damn NFL. You can only play the teams you're scheduled to play. If they suck, you should beat them. If you do, that's how you...make the playoffs and stuff. Only 12 teams in the NFL will make the playoffs. Let's assume I'm looking at a playoff team. That means they can only face 11 possible playoff teams in the entire season. Now, lets assume that the NFC North will only have one playoff team. That makes 10 possible playoff opponents the Bears could face. Except three of those will be in AFC divisions the Bears don't play. So that's 7 possible playoff opponents. Then again, chances are at least one or two of them will be in the NFC divisions that the Bears aren't scheduled to play this year, so that makes 5 possible games out of 16 against potential playoff teams. That means that EVERY TEAM THAT MAKES THE PLAYOFFS GOT THE MAJORITY OF ITS WINS FROM BEATING MEDIOCRE OR BAD TEAMS. So judging them solely based on their schedule would be...stupid.

Ask yourself what the ultimate goal is. If it's going to the Super Bowl, this team isn't a contender. If it's taking advantage of a league filled with average teams, then enjoy yourself. There's not a whole lot of excellence among the Bears, but there is opportunism.

Ahh. Back to the Platonic Ideal Super Bowl Team. Only TEAMS THAT LOOK ELITE TO RICK MORRISEY'S UNQUANTIFIABLE STANDARDS CAN MAKE THE SUPERBOWL. Which is why, I'm sure, Rick had the 2008 Cardinals and the 2007 Giants going to the dance. Or maybe it doesn't matter, because anyone that makes it to the playoffs has a shot at winning or making the god damn Superbowl. But sorry that I'll hope for a playoff spot and then god knows what rather than act like a pissy little ingrate because the Bears don't look like a fucking behemoth in November. I WANT GREATNESS. If I set the bar so high it can never be satisfied, then I'll always be right when I say they aren't great!

As usual, I'm ranting and most of Rick's shit is too dumb to even fisk so I'll skip down:

The Bears have no running game and a below-average passing game. On defense, they're excellent against the run but average against the pass. What says ''playoffs'' about that? Answer: a league that grows garden-variety teams.

Right. Its not like the Colts made the Superbowl last year with the 32nd ranked rushing offense in the NFL. Oh wait. That happened. But they're below average in the passing game, which is why Jay Cutler is averaging 3 fewer passing yards per game than Tom Brady. And why he's in the top half of the league in touchdown passes, yardage, and yards per attempt despite missing a game and a half with a concussion. On defense they have the 2nd best scoring defense in the NFL. They're 2nd against the run. They're 4th in total yardage allowed. They're 17th in passing yards, yes, but have allowed the fewest passing TDs in the NFL. They also have the most interceptions of any defense in the NFL. How the fuck is first in the NFL in passing TDS allowed and first in interceptions "average", Rick? Seriously. How fucking stupid are you?

If you've been reading me the last few years, then you know I've been on a crusade to get the McCaskeys to clean house at Halas Hall.

As the Bears collect victories, I fear that the number of people who agree with me is dwindling. There's no doubt we're being quieted as they continue to win. The team is in first place, so what else is there left to say?

You know why the number of people who agree with you is dwindling? BECAUSE IF THEY WIN GAMES THAT IS THE WHOLE GOD DAMN POINT OF THE SPORT. Why in God's name do Bears fans and media members want Smith and Co. fired if they win? Why? I hate when people say "I hope they lose out so so and so will get fired." Guess what. If they lose out, that'll happen anyway. They don't need your fucking help. If they win out? Well shit, maybe the guys in place are good enough. The most important thing is that NOTHING YOU DO AFFECTS THIS TEAM and that the dumbest possible fucking thing you can do is root against a team winning so that they can fire somebody and get someone in there whom you, presumably, want to win. Maybe cut out the middle man and just win?

I could end up being wrong. I could end up as a chapter titled ''Told You So'' in Lovie Smith's autobiography, if he ever writes one. I could be forced to watch the Bears' victory parade on Michigan Avenue.

But I don't think I will.

"And even if I am, I'll never admit it. I'll just rant that they didn't win the Superbowl by enough points, or that they faced an overrated team. Or I'll say any god damn thing other than "I was wrong.""

Eat shit, Rick Morrissey.

Around the NFL, Week 10

Falcons 26, Ravens 21
I'm beginning to come around to the possibility that the Falcons are better than I give them credit for being. I've always liked Matt Ryan. I still think the Saints are the best in that division, though. It'll be interesting to see their rematch in the Georgia Dome where Ryan is damn near unbeatable.

Colts 23, Bengals 17
What can you say about the Bengals? Every one of their losses is for the same reason.

NY Jets 26, Browns 20
The Jets have been wildly inconsistent the last few weeks. Hopefully they keep that up until they roll into Soldier Field.

Dolphins 29, Titans 17
Right now the Dolphins are looking at starting a third string QB and a back up left tackle on a short week against the Bears, at home, where they are just 1-3 this year. Some are probably salivating, but I won't. The last time I thought things looked this favorable for the Bears was the Seahawks game. I'm not a DOOOM type, but I'd like to see the Bears give me a few more weeks of not fumbling away games they should win before I feel bold enough to predict a bloodbath. Also, the Titans are melting down.

Jaguars 31, Texans 24
Oh Houston. You'll never change, no matter how many times you promise me you will.

Bills 14, Lions 12
I know this has been discussed over and over again but seriously, how the fuck does Shaun Hill not even TRY to get to it into the end zone on a 2 pt conversion attempt?? Worse Lions QB fuck up: Dan Orlovsky trying to pass a field sobriety test with the back line of the end zone against the Vikings in 2008 or Hill apparently thinking the last play of the game is a 2nd and Goal in the first quarter? Oh, congratulations Buffalo.

Buccaneers 31, Panthers 16
Damn the Bucs and their easy schedule. If New Orleans or someone worthier screws up and hands them a wildcard spot I'll be pissed. Unless they are then the Bears opponent in the playoffs.

Broncos 49, Chiefs 29
My hatred of Josh McDaniels is well-known and oft-stated, but I have to side with ol' Fuckface on the running up the score issue. Todd Haley can stop being a bitch. This isn't Alabama vs. Duke. You aren't supposed to be owned like that. You don't like it? Stop it.

49ers 23, Rams 20
Troy Smith throws for 356 yards to lead the 49ers over the Rams and create a log jam at the top of the NFC West, with all four teams within two games of the division lead. Everything about that division makes me hate football. That applies to its AFC counterpart as well.

Cowboys 33, Giants 20
Oh come on. You aren't even trying to make sense this year, Angry Old Testament Football God.

Seahawks 36, Cardinals 18
Arizona sure could have used a young Jake Plummer in this game. Seattle may be establishing itself as the class of that division. They've been outscored by 33 points this season. In fact, every single team in the NFC West has allowed more points than they've scored. Parity, folks. It hates you.

Patriots 39, Steelers 26
GRR! Tom Brady is angry and intense and stuff! Watch his pretty hair bounce with FIRE. Also, the Steelers suck against the spread offense. Granted, it helps that Drew Brees and Tom Brady run the offenses of the Saints and Patriots, but they're definitely vulnerable if teams can spread them out and dilute the pass rush of the 3-4.

Eagles 59, Redskins 28
The Redskins have been playing with fire all season. How do you even get to 4 wins despite being outgained in absolutely every single game this season? We know how Jay Cutler gave them a win, and the Packers also panked it all over the place when they turned it over twice and missed the GW field goal. They lucked out when Vick got hurt the first time around against the Eagles. In fact, they've consistenly managed to get every team's Worst effort. During their last two games their luck has run out, and last night Michael Vick vented the frustration of every team that had to watch the Skins over the first few weeks and wonder why nobody could manage to pull the trigger.

Not to take anything away from Vick, though. As much as I loathe to admit it he's undeniably a much better QB than he was in Atlanta. Its frightening to watch. It'll be interesting to see if Peppers and Urlacher and Briggs can slow him down in a few weeks. Historically Vick has been Brian Urlacher's bitch and has never beaten the Bears. We'll see what that means soon enough.

That's all for now, Prognostication Bukakke tomorrow.