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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

TIME TO PANIC?! A Step By Step Guide to Appropriate Panicking About the Bears

In lieu of my traditional Good, Bad, Ugly breakdown of the third preseason game (in short: GOOD- Offense moved ball, Defensive line did stuff. BAD-everything else. UGLY- Kelvin Hayden), I've gauged the reaction of many Bears fans and surrounding media following the event and decided things need a bit of tweaking. So I'm here to help you all understand just what the appropriate level of panic is on the following Bears:

Jay Cutler: He was sacked twice, the first two times he's gone down all preseason. He was also picked for the first time after Garza snapped the ball early and Jay did a Jay thing trying to get rid of the ball in a hurry. Otherwise though he moved the ball pretty well, had a touchdown nullified by a ticky-tack penalty and another dropped, and averaged almost 8 YPA against the best secondary in the NFL. He finishes his preseason completing 66% with a passer rating just a notch below 100. He's fine. PANIC LEVEL: you know when you wake up at like 1 AM, and you think OH SHIT WHAT TIME IS IT DID I MISS WORK and then you realize it's 1 AM and you have like six more hours of glorious sleep left? That.

Matt Forte: Oh man he hasn't done shit all preseason. That's okay though, because he's basically alternated between good and terrible preseasons his entire career and he's been really good when it counts anyway. PANIC LEVEL: When you get outside and you cannot find your really expensive sunglasses, but then it turns out they were on your head the whole time. And it's not even that sunny out.

Alshon Jeffery: HE DROPPED A PASS. GOD IN HEAVEN WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US, IN THIS, THE MOST IMPORTANT OF MEANINGLESS GAMES! Oh, he still had like 45 yards in that game anyway? And he's awesome? Well alright then. PANIC LEVEL: You just farted, and you know your date smelled it, but she just jokes about it and you both have a good laugh.

Offensive Line: They gave up sacks for the first time, and they haven't run blocked that well. But the sacks were only allowed by the third string TE and the third string RT. But the 1st string and second string RTs haven't played all preseason because of injury, and the top backup guard/center is also out. PANIC LEVEL: you told the Subway lady you wanted Italian Herbs and Cheese, right? Because I think she's getting the Monterrey Cheddar bread. OH SHIT MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU ACCIDENTALLY ASKED FOR. OH SHIT YOU'RE EATING SUBWAY FOR LUNCH

Defensive Line: They got a ton of pressure. Though they only had one sack, they'd have probably had four or five against a less mobile QB. On the other hand they did a terrible job containing said mobile QB. Panic Level: You can absolutely tell that present under the tree is the iPhone you wanted, but what if Mom didn't get the color that you wanted for the case?! You might have to use the gift card Nana gave you to buy a new case instead of buying other pointless shit. GODDAMMIT.

The Linebackers: The first team defense didn't allow a run of more than ten yards! The linebackers...kinda sucked at everything else. Briggs got beat in coverage and turned a 3rd and 17 into a first down in FG range thanks to a stupid penalty. Shea and Bostic both still look lost half of the time if we're being generous. PANIC LEVEL: Oh man, that one sounded wet. Don't worry. You're fine. Just play it cool. Don't move. No one knows. Okay maybe that lady knows. And that lady. And now everyone in the church. Oh God. You picked a bad day to volunteer to do the reading. And to wear the light slacks.

Corners: They gave up some yards, but Kelvin Hayden gave up the most yards and should be far from the field come opening day. Tillman struggled, though, and that hurts, because we love him most of all. PANIC LEVEL: You let those bastards vote on what kinds of pizzas to order, and they just had to have a veggie so they could try to pretend like they tried to eat healthy. It's f*&king pizza, assholes. Why couldn't you just fill up on salad. You know they're going to eat the one sausage pizza they allowed you to get. They always do. Oh christ it's not even going to be left when you get there. This world is awful.

Safeties: Conte looked good, then got his brain scrambled. Mundy looked OK, then got his head cut open. None of the others impressed. Wilson got his walking papers. PANIC LEVEL:  You definitely just bid $70 on Arian Foster in your auction draft when you meant to hit "pass". No it's cool. He's not that dead, right? No you meant to do it. Hell it was a great pick. He's destined for a renaissance. You are a geniu---shit he just tore his hammy.

Special Teams: Robbie hit two field goals. Nice! Kick coverage was atrocious. Again. Kick returning possibly even worse so. But Chris Williams might come save us, and maybe things will get better in coverage once they've actually settled on who the starting 11 are, right? RIGHT? PANIC LEVEL: Yeah it's smoldering on the highway, but you didn't need that car that badly. It was definitely car #2. You only needed it for the "in town" driving. Insurance should get a quality replacement. Maybe step away a bit. It might explode.

So there you have it. Use these scenarios to measure against your own current levels of panic and adjust accordingly. In the end it's going to be fine. They're going to the playoffs. Unless they lose to Buffalo. THEN it's time to panic.

1 comment:

Goose said...

Gold. Look forward to the season. Been paying absolutely no attention to the pre-season to avoid any and all panic scenarios. #BearDown