Prognostication Bukake, Week 4: Didn't Travis Win Last Year?

Erik: 31-17

Code Red: 31-17

Mrs. Code Red: 29-19

Iggins!: 22-26

New York Giants (1-2) @ Washington I’m Running Out of Metaphors (2-1)

Erik: What a shitshow. No joke, according to the schedule on ESPN I’m looking at right now you can buy tickets to this game for 19 dollars. Racists, I guess?

Code Red: I feel so uncomfortable doing this, but the Redskins defense is terrible and I actually think the Giants defense is not abominable. Giants.

Mrs. Code Red: Shitshow is right. I just… I don’t know. I’m going to go with Washington because they’re at home?

Iggins!: {REDACTED}’s win because the Giants are terrible, and the Redskins less so.

Green Bay Packers (1-2) @ Chicago Bears (2-1)

Erik: This game will be very weird, but the way our defense has been playing I think they’ll continue to keep Eddie Lacy in check and hold Rodgers to a reasonable day. Final score will depend on who’s healthy come Sunday, but I’ll go with Bears, 30-21.

Code Red: I think they should have Ratliff and Mundy back, I expect Brandon to play and draw attention at the very least, and the Bears just seem like the better team. That hasn't mattered in the past, but dammit, this has to be the time. Bears 34, Packers 26

Mrs. Code Red: I don’t want to jinx us, but this is about as confident as I’ve ever felt going into a Bears/Packers game. I think it will be close, but Bears win, 30-24.

Iggins!: I’m 0-3 on the Bears so far, so let’s keep this thing going. Packers win 38-28.

Buffalo Bills (2-1) @ Houston Texans (2-1)

Code Red: I think the Texans run defense is somewhat iffy, and the Bills defense is good enough to require Ryan Fitzpatick enough to determine that he's Ryan Fitzpatrick. Bills. Win.

Mrs. Code Red: The Texans are marginally better in nearly every category this season on both offense and defense, but… I still feel like the Bills will take this one.

Iggins!: Erik this is the worst way to organize these things, you cretin. Also, Bills win.

Erik: Well, maybe if somebody hadn’t just abdicated all his duties and run off to rear a child… Bills.

Tennessee Titans (1-2) @ Indianapolis Colts (1-2)

Code Red: The Titans are bad. Colts win.

Mrs. Code Red: Colts.

Iggins!: These AFC South schedules, man. Colts win.

Erik: Even God wants you to think the Colts are better than an 8-8 team. This rug-pulling will be great. Colts.

Carolina Panthers (2-1) @ Baltimore Ravens (2-1)

Code Red: If the game were in Charlotte I'd go Panthers but I think the Ravens can copy the Steelers gameplan for beating the Panthers at home. Ravens win.

Mrs. Code Red: Basically a toss-up for me. Panthers on the road. Why not?

Iggins!: Two teams that are a total mystery to me. Panthers win, because Cam is my boy.

Erik: I don’t think I’ve watched a Ravens game yet. Cam is still not allowed to run though, so Ravens.

Detroit Lions (2-1) @ New York Jets (1-2)

Erik: New York finishes out an absolutely brutal stretch of teams that seem designed solely to exploit their defensive weaknesses at home. These guys got torn up by most of Alshon Jeffery, Megatron is going to leave that asshole in ruins. Lions.

Code Red: I don't think any of us would be remotely surprised to see the Lions lose this one, but I can't predict  it. Lions.

Mrs. Code Red: I really, really want to pick the Jets here, but I don’t know if it’s because I honestly believe they’ll win or just because I really enjoy seeing the Lions lose, especially now that I have a coworker who just moved here from Detroit and is an annoying know-it-all Lions fan who thinks he knows football better than anyone else in the world. You know what? Screw you coworker. Jets win. (And I know more about football than you, so there!)

Iggins!: Every NFC North team is destined to struggle against these Jets, but win. Lions win.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3) @ Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1)

Code Red: Nooooope. Steelers win.

Mrs. Code Red: I know it’s a statistical improbability and has only happened once before, but these Bucs really could go 0-16 and I wouldn’t be surprised. Steelers win.

Iggins!: Steelers win.

Erik: I honestly can’t look at their schedule and see a win. I’m sure one will come, but how could you possibly bet on it? Steelers.

Miami Dolphins (1-2) @ Oakland Raiders (0-3)

Code Red: Man, Dolphins, if this ain't the week...Dolphins win.

Mrs. Code Red: Dolphins.

Iggins!: I don’t know, the Raiders haven’t looked as bad as expected, and the Fins are threatening to bench their QB, who has actually played well so far, the rest of his team is just either hurt or bad. Oh well. Raiders win.

Erik: The Tannehill saga is beyond hilarious. Poor Ryan. Why didn’t you make Brian Hartline catch that touchdown? Why weren’t you blocking for Mike Wallace in space? Just stiffarm those DTs, son. Dolphins, though.

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3) @ San Diego Chargers (2-1)

Code Red: The Chargers are one of the best teams in football. The Jaguars...aren't. Chargers.

Mrs. Code Red: This should be fun for the Jaguars… Chargers win.

Iggins!: Bolts win.

Erik: I’m dangerously close to liking Philip Rivers, it’s amazing the difference it makes when he’s not getting all his talent Norved. Chargers.

Atlanta Falcons (2-1) @ Minnesota Vikings (1-2)

Erik: As excited as I’m sure Vikings fans are for Teddy Bridgewater, he’s going in with no tight end and a backup running back. Falcons.

Code Red: The Vikings will get some pressure on Ryan, but yeah, Teddy just doesn't have the weapons right now and that OL in front of him is miserable. Falcons win.

Mrs. Code Red: I don’t think the Falcons are as good as they are coming off right now, but I think they’re good enough to beat Minnesota in the condition they’re in right now. Falcons win.

Iggins!: The Falcons are pretty decent. I can’t pick the Vikings until I know they’re going to let Teddy open it up. Falcons win.

Philadelphia Eagles (3-0) @ San Francisco 49ers (1-2)

Code Red: Interesting factoid, the Eagles have only beaten the Jaguars and two teams whose only other wins have come against the Jaguars. Think the 49ers offense breaks out in this one and they have just enough to take advantage of that battered Eagles OL and get the win. 49ers win.

Mrs. Code Red: I probably said this last week, but I just don’t see the Niners losing another one in a row, especially not at home. 49ers win, but for fantasy purposes, let’s hope that Shady finally remembers that he’s, like, the best RB in football and plays that way. Thanks.

Iggins!: I don’t think Harbaugh is willing to adjust his gameplan enough to keep up with Philly. Philadelphia wins.

Erik: The Eagles don’t have the same defensive power as Arizona, but they have way more offense. I think Travis is right, Harbaugh’s just going to try to get back to normal and it won’t be enough. Eagles.

New Orleans Saints (1-2) @ Dallas Cowboys (2-1)

Code Red: I get Drew Brees' road woes, but against that Cowboys defense in a dome? Breesus rises. Saints win.

Mrs. Code Red: The records are really deceiving here, as the Cowboys are actually terrible and the Saints are actually not. Saints win.

Iggins!: If Brees doesn’t, time to bury the Saints this year. Saints win.

Erik: Pretty much. Saints.

New England Patriots (2-1) @ Kansas City Chiefs (1-2)

Erik: Yawn. This game would’ve been super interesting like… ten months ago! Patriots cruise to another win, ESPN breathes a sigh of relief at not having to discuss Tom Brady’s apparent rapid-onset old age.

Code Red: I think they win, but I doubt they breeze to it. Brady's deficiencies will allow the Chiefs to keep it close for most of the game. Patriots.  

Mrs. Code Red: The Patriots’ magic wins them another game, because it certainly isn’t Brady who’s doing it.

Iggins!: So, everyone saw what the Chiefs did to the Fins team that beat NE yeah? And we also know that the Pats looked awful against Oakland, and only womped a bad Vikings team because Matt Cassel went full Cassel? Monday Night at home, I’m taking the Chiefs to win.