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Thursday, March 13, 2014

Seriously, Steve, another one?

I come at these columns pretty hard. I use a lot of words, and most of them are derogatory. But only Steve Rosenbloom has ever actually made me physically angry in a column before. And he's managed to do it twice in one week.

Now there are a lot of dumb things that get said about this football team by a lot of different people. Steve, though, is just an asshole. He's petty and mean, and when he can't find facts that justify that attitude he just plain invents fantasy scenarios to get angry about. Because he is a bad writer, he can't come up with 1,000 uninterrupted words that anyone would willingly read unless he's made them irrationally angry, whether it's at the team or at Steve himself.

I won't feign resignation this time, as soon as I read the headline I wanted to rip this pathetic pail of putrid and possibly plagued poop to pieces.

That alliteration is the last happy thing that will happen in this post. All the other pictures are of heads exploding.

A Bears team that tied for the fewest sacks in the NFL last season began free agency by signing a defensive end who recorded fewer sacks than Julius Peppers, a defensive end the Bears couldn’t wait to get rid of because, well, he didn’t record enough sacks.

Actually the problem with Peppers wasn't that he "didn't record enough sacks" so much as the fact that he didn't record eighteen million dollars' worth of sacks. That's why he'll get a deal somewhere else, where he's getting paid less money but still contributing on a line that isn't just Shea McClellin and the ghost of Henry Melton's knee.

On the day the Bears terminated Peppers’ contract, they signed Lamarr Houston to a five-year deal. Playing for the Raiders last season, Houston managed a career-high six sacks, 1 1/2 fewer than the guy the Bears cut Tuesday.

Yes, but he also recorded 42 hurries in that timeframe. I know sacks are good, but so is pressure as a whole. And besides, as Steve himself is going to explain in a minute because he can't even write a dismissive pile of horseshit correctly, he was the highest-graded defensive end in the NFL against the run last year. Want to take a guess what actually drew Phil's attention here?

Excuse me?

You're excused. Seriously, you can leave now and nobody will ever talk about this again.

The Bears desperately needed a pass rusher after last season. They became more desperate after Michael Bennett re-upped with the Seahawks on Monday.

I don't really think that's an accurate statement. They needed a pass rusher just as badly when they were in talks with Michael Bennett. You... you know that pursuing a free agent does not mean that guy's on your team, right? He was one of the most sought-after free agents in the NFL, there was never any guarantee that he'd come to Chicago.

What the Bears needed was the Peppers they signed in 2010. 

Just grab a Hall-of-Fame-caliber DE. How hard can it be? Shit, you can grab a 4-pack at Sam's Club and they'll throw in a punter.

What they needed was a double-digit sack guy. 

Wrong. That was one of the things they needed. Just like in last week's baffling heap of self-contradictory garbage, you've chosen to laser focus on one thing that is totally not the purpose of this signing and then pontificate about Phil's failure to live up to your imaginary criteria. 

For all the shit I give other writers for their ill-informed and intentionally inflammatory meatball opinions, nobody can invent a no-win scenario and then mock the Bears for failing to win it like Steve. And that goes beyond just being a meatball, or pandering to the fans for pageviews. That's outright lying to the readers' faces in order to get them to side with you, because maybe one of them can finally explain why your Dad left. Steve Rosenbloom is a cancer in the asshole of sports journalism.

What they got was a 6-foot-3, 300-pounder who isn’t that guy.

Again, this is their first free agent signing. They can still sign another defensive end, or draft someone. Nobody took the podium and said "Pass rush problem solved, people, Lamarr Houston is here!" and yet you're still trying to make people mad at them for something that never happened. 

Who never has been that guy.

And isn't necessarily supposed to be. The Bears clearly picked him up to be a stout, run-stuffing defensive end who can generate pressure even if it doesn't result in sacks, which is exactly what he's always been. Also, at 26 years old it seems a little early to say he will never record double-digit sacks no matter what. The guy was a fucking Raider, for God's sake. I don't even think they have four defensive linemen.

Maybe that guy wasn’t out there, but the Bears are committing to Houston as if he is. 

I'm going to take the explanation supported by the front office, professional analysts and stats over the scenario created by a pathetic hack who can't entertain a reader for more than three paragraphs without inventing a fictional problem, thanks. I've read Sonic the Hedgehog slash-fiction more compelling than the Rosenblog. And honestly, a group of brightly colored anthropomorphic animals fucking each other raw was still explained with more of an eye for logic, detail and realism than anything Steve has to say about the Bears' defensive line.

Committing to a defensive end who has 16 sacks in his career when the Bears need someone to do that in a season.

You really did not need this many paragraphs to make this point, and that's coming from someone who can't explain that Superman punched a guy without delving into the myriad reasons Clark Kent is at best superfluous and at worst a liability to anyone with Superman's powers and motivations. The difference being that I have a long list of reasons, observations, and suggestions, whereas your primary tactic seems to be "repeat the argument and hope it makes more sense the fourth time."

Perhaps Houston’s versatility will lead the Bears to move him inside and leave him there while signing a pure pass rusher on a deal shorter than Houston’s five-year agreement.

Queue reason number one that this column is a shortsighted bucket of pig shit. Seriously, what is it with these people and including logical observations that fly in the face of their op-ed on Phil Emery's impotence as a general manager? Just leave that part out, Steve. At least then 10% of the readers won't see through your hastily written drivel in the first ten paragraphs. 

But that hasn’t happened yet.

Oh God, if it hasn't happened by the second day of free agency, it never will!

So, we're left with this, and we’re left with this question: This is better?

Better than... what, exactly? Better than the battered, ineffective (both against the pass and the run), needlessly expensive line from last year? I have to assume so. The only person they lost was Julius Peppers, who you literally wrote about being an overpaid waste of space three days ago. Jesus, it's like arguing with a goldfish. 

In some ways, it is.

"I am a terrible writer."

Houston is 26 and has started all 16 games for the last four seasons, which is more than a lot of Bears defensive players could say.

But what use could the worst run defense in franchise history possibly have for a hardy, healthy defensive end with a solid run-stopping resume and (I have to assume, seeing as he just got the fuck out of Oakland) a new lease of life?

So, the good news is that it looks like he’ll be available on game day to frustrate us by a lack of production when Aaron Rodgers stands back there all day.

Bad example, seeing as Rodgers was actually the one quarterback last year's line beat the shit out of. But even if he wasn't, who gives a shit? You literally just wrote a column about how last year's line was an abomination against both phases of the opposing offense and they needed new defensive ends to combat those things. What complaint could you possibly have with them signing a young, healthy run-stopping defensive end?

The thing that Houston does well is play the run, which happens to be something the Bears did horribly -- worse than anyone in the league, in fact.

Nevermind, you can't even stick to one opinion for the length of one column. Expecting continuity over a span of days is just silly. My bad.

Houston graded out better than almost any defensive end when it came to setting the edge and stopping the run. So, Houston isn’t likely to crash down every play the way Peppers and Shea McClellin did in making outside contain a rumor.

It is really, really hard for me to slice apart your clumsy attempts at human language when you just kind of do it yourself. These people came here expecting a fight, and you seem to have tripped over your own foot and fallen asleep at the starting bell. The band doesn't know any more songs, Steve, get back up.

Coming from a three-man front, Houston’s versatility plays into the Bears’ idea of a hybrid scheme, but if they’re going to slide him inside in the nickel package, then they’ll have, who, McClellin rushing off the edge?

"He can't solve every problem simultaneously, so what the fuck good is he?" Seriously, if the worst problem you have with a player is that he can't play both end positions and nose tackle, I think the real problem is you. 

Do the Bears know McClellin had just four sacks last season? 

Well, they're throwing millions of dollars at defensive linemen and moving Shea to linebacker so... y'know what, I can't even be sarcastic about this. What the fuck is wrong with you? Shea McClellin is a liability against the run and a nonfactor against the pass, so they moved him to another position and signed a replacement. You cannot complain about both of those things at the same time.

I don't usually get this mad about these inflammatory piles of shit-slapping nonsense, but go fuck yourself. You're a professional writer for a professional news organization, and I've met 4Chan posters who can't string together nonsense words in a way that incites as much anger as your dribbling idiocy does on a daily basis. I give Telander, Morrissey and Bernstein a lot of shit, but the reality is that they are often reasonable, talented guys who have interesting things to say about stuff I enjoy. But you? I can't even read a paragraph without reminding myself that breaking my computer will do no good.

And it's not because you "hit a nerve" or because I "know you're secretly right." It's because you run off half-cocked on this dumb fucking bullshit, and then you disprove your own Goddamn point a quarter of the way through and you just keep fucking writing. You bring up a point so Goddamn stupid a third-grader could disprove it, and then you don't even have the fucking decency to stand by it until the end of the column. If you don't have anything to write a whole column about, just don't write a column! And if you don't get paid because you couldn't do your job, well... I mean, maybe you shouldn't. Scratch that. You definitely shouldn't.

Do the Bears know that’s fewer than Houston managed? 

I was not joking.
Does Phil Emery have any idea what a pass-rushing defensive end looks like?

This is getting so tiring. Phil Emery has been the GM of the Bears for two years. In one of those years, they were one of the three best defenses in the NFL. If you really think he should've spent last offseason tweaking a defense that had 41 sacks and 44 takeaways, I don't even know what to say to you. You clearly do not know what a football is, kindly leave now before you give somebody an aneurysm.

After drafting the failed McClellin two years ago and now signing Houston in an attempt to make up for it, you have to wonder whether Emery understands the object of the exercise.

"He made a bad pick and then a consensus free agent signing who hasn't even played a snap to make up for it, let's mock him for it!" Seriously, at this point I'm beginning to believe that Phil Emery, Shea McClellin, or ideally both of them just went to town on Rosenbloom's wife in a way he never could.

Emery needed a pass rusher two years ago, and then drafted a linebacker and tried to jam him into the position. Now McClellin is being moved to linebacker, where he might not be good enough to start, by the way.

Clearly what they should do is just kill Shea McClellin. There's absolutely no value in letting a guy try something else before fucking training camp has even started, just punt the season and be done with it. 

This year, Emery again needed a pass rusher, and then he signed a defensive end who isn’t known as a pass rusher. 

Good thing there are fifty-two other spots on the roster into which a pure pass rusher might fight. I mean Jesus, I can understand if it was a week to Opening Day and Lamarr was the only D lineman they'd added, but this was written on the second day of free agency. Maybe just like... wait a few days, even.

There is growing evidence that Emery wouldn’t know a pass rusher if Lawrence Taylor asked him to snort a line.

I don't know how many times I can restate this, but the Bears need (and can have) more than one thing per year. Lamarr Houston fills a significant hole in this team's defensive capabilities if he plays exactly the same as he did last year. So even if he can't improve his raw sack total, even if a lot of pressures and hurries count for nothing (not the case), this is something this team desperately needed. But admitting that might mean you don't get to write a lengthy, incoherent condemnation of the real father of your children, so why would you do such a thing?

I get the idea that anything the Bears put on their defensive line now is better than what they put out there last year.

Or you could just admit it and keep going. I'm going to make this official: Steve Rosenbloom is the single worst member of the Chicago sports media. 

But here’s the thing: When you pay good money for a defensive end, you want him to be a game-changer. 

Which, for the worst run defense in franchise history, I would say Lamarr Houston is.

You want him to be someone opponents have to game-plan for.

And clearly the only thing offenses have to gameplan for is avoiding sacks. Certainly having excellent outside contain on one side of the field offers nothing in the way of positioning for the rest of the defense. God you're dumb.

No question the Bears have to stop the run before they can worry about rushing the passer...

The first one just wasn't enough.

... but still, this feels a little bittersweet, or maybe backward:

"I know the Bears needed to address run defense first, but the fact that they addressed run defense first just feels a little backward." How can you write the sentence and not realize how dumb it is?

The Bears signed a defensive who’s most effective at doing something they need from a defensive tackle, and they need a starting defensive tackle.

And there is jack shit out there for 4-3 free agent defensive tackles. In fact, there are only four of them ESPN rates above a C. One is Nate Collins, whom the Bears already signed, and the other is Henry Melton. But what, because Phil Emery couldn't just pull a run-stuffing 4-3 tackle out of his asshole he's a bad GM?

But hey, you've never let facts get in the way of you being a pedantic asshole before, why start now?

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