Progkakke Week 9

Progkakke Standings:

Iggins!: 82-38

Mrs. Code Red: 79-41

Code Red: 76-44

Erik: 74-46

Cincinnati Bengals (6-2) @ Miami Dolphins (3-4)

Iggins!: Welp, the Fins have certainly lost all their steam and the Bengals have gained all of theirs, so, Bengals win.

Erik: The Dolphins should be able to give Dalton a bit more of a scare than he’s had in recent weeks, but the Bengals are going to devour Ryan Tannehill. Bengals.

Code Red: I won't lie. We didn't get our picks in until after this game, but Mrs. Code Red and I had both said Bengals, and we cannot tell a lie.

Mrs. Code Red: Maybe you can't, but I totes picked the Dol....okay. Bengals.

Kansas City Chiefs (8-0) @ Buffalo Bills (3-5)

Erik: A team with a pretty good defense and no offense vs. a team with a great defense and a mediocre offense. Get ready for the hard-hitting, fast-paced 21-10 Chiefs win.

Code Red: Guys, the Chiefs can swallow good QBs whole. Why keep throwing the Case Keenum's and Jason Campbell's and Jeff Tuel's of the world at them? Chiefs win.

Mrs. Code Red: The Chiefs have to lose at some point. Just..y'know, not here. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: Gonna be another close one because neither of these teams seems capable of getting any separation either way, but I'll take the Chiefs to win.

Minnesota Vikings (1-6) @ Dallas Cowboys (4-4)

Iggins!: Just not picking the Vikings, ever. Dallas wins.

Erik: Even the Cowboys couldn’t fuck this one up.

Code Red: Oh, Erik. That's tempting fate a bit much. Still, Dallas win.

Mrs. Code Red: I'm really tempted to say Dallas will fuck this up, but that would be too much. Dallas win.

Tennessee Titans (3-4) @ St. Louis Rams (3-5)

Erik: The Rams pissed away their chance to win their annual “the Rams beat who?” game last week because Kellen Clemens was afraid to scramble, but that defense looked vicious. I guess Rams?

Code Red: THE JEFF FISHER BOWL. That would be a narrative if anyone had given a shit about either of these teams in the last five years.  Titans win.

Mrs. Code Red: Can't pick the Rams without Bradford. Never really picked them with Bradford either, but still. Titans win. I think this is the first time I've picked them all year.

Iggins!: Elyse, if you had only picked the Titans more you might be tied with me! Titans win.

New Orleans Saints (6-1) @ New York Jets (4-4)

Iggins!: The Jets are pretty much the Joe Flacco of this season; just slightly above mediocre. And the Saints are a top 3 team. New Orleans wins.

Erik: The Jets are equal parts “on the upswing” and “Chosen of Tymora, Lady of Luck.” The Saints, on the other hand, are arguably the best team in the NFC when Seattle isn’t at home. So New Orleans.

Code Red: Still think they're the best team in the NFC. Saints win.

Mrs. Code Red: Yeah...Saints. Nothing to be said here. Saints win.

San Diego Chargers (4-3) @ Washington Redskins (2-5)

Erik: Jury’s out on whether or not either team’s defense is going to be in the stadium on Sunday, but I’ll take the Chargers in a shootout I guess.

Code Red: I will take the Redskins, because the Chargers seem pretty similar to the Bears, frankly, and they fell into that trap two weeks ago.

Mrs. Code Red: Yeah, I get that feeling, too. Redskins win, but not by much?

Iggins!: I'll take the Bolts to win, but I admit the prospect of them being 5-3 makes me consider picking the [REDACTED]s.

Atlanta Falcons (2-5) @ Carolina Panthers (4-3)

Iggins!: The Panthers keep pulling easy opponents, I bet they keep knocking them down. Panthers win.

Erik: I might have taken the Panthers when the Falcons had and offense, the way Cam has been playing. Now that the Falcons don’t really even have a team, I’ll definitely take the Panthers.

Code Red: Carolina= good QB, good pass rush, weak schedule. The three keys to a wildcard berth. Panthers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Panthers, Cam has really turned it on lately. I'm sure he'll tank when it really starts to matter, though.

Iggins!: YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY GODDAMNED MOUTH ABOUT CAM HE IS A PERFECT CREATURE AND YOU SHOULD COUNT YOUR LUCKY STARS YOU GET TO BREATHE HIS AIR.

Philadelphia Eagles (3-5) @ Oakland Raiders (3-4)

Erik: This shouldn’t be as hard for me to decide on as it is, but the Eagles are just a shitshow. Raiders, I guess.

Code Red: I'd have bet my house that the Raiders wouldn't be .500 at the midpoint of the season. I'd have probably laughed at you, and then depantsed you if you had told me such a thing would happen. Yet here it is. Raiders win.

Mrs. Code Red: Yeah the Eagles are terrible and lose every time I pick them. Raiders win.  

Iggins!: If everyone else is taking them, I'll go Raiders.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7) @ Seattle Seahawks (7-1)

Iggins!: LOL.

Erik: I’ll still probably watch it.

Code Red: Why?

Mrs. Code Red: I'm going to say Seahawks and try to get all three of you disqualified on a technicality. YOU PICKED NO ONE.

Baltimore Ravens (3-4) @ Cleveland Browns (3-5)

Erik: I uh… I don’t really have any idea what to expect here. Both teams have shown that they have talent, but there is no depth of shittiness to which they cannot expire. I’ll take the Browns.

Code Red: I wonder if Brandon Weeden will put “team looked noticeably better once I was replaced by Jason Campbell” on his resume. Browns win.

Mrs. Code Red: Jason Campbell looked like he'd never taken an NFL snap last year, and he still looks like an improvement for Cleveland. Browns win. Ravens suck.

Iggins!: Yeah the Browns with any kind of QB is a pretty good team, actually, and the Ravens kind of suck. Browns win.

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-5) @ New England Patriots (6-2)

Iggins!: The Patriots are going to be 7-2, and that is a goddamned travesty. Patriots win.

Erik: What makes me sadder is that people will be proud to be 7-2 when five of those wins came over the Jets, Bills, Falcons, Steelers, and Bucs. Patriots.

Code Red: What? A Patriots team with obvious weaknesses on one side of the ball that preys on a weak schedule to get a first round bye and an eventual playoff loss to a real contender? That's CRAZY. Patriots win.

Mrs. Code Red: Patriots win, but it'll probably be on like 3 field goals and no offensive touchdowns, all inspired by Brady's leadership or something.

Indianapolis Colts (5-2) @ Houston Texans (2-5)

Erik: The Colts are really confusing, but I don’t think they’ll have any problem putting down the Texans. Colts.

Code Red: I don't think the Colts are confusing at all. We thought they'd have a bad defense, and they don't, so they're just good. They lost because their pass blocking got destroyed against Miami, and because they refused to put the game in Luck's hands. They don't seem to be willing to make that mistake again, so Colts win.

Mrs. Code Red: Yeah, Colts.

Iggins!: Keenum looked pretty damn good last week against a very good defense, and that gives me pause here. But it's hard to pick against Luck, dude is on fire. Colts win.

Chicago Bears (4-3) @ Green Bay Packers (5-2)

Iggins!: STOP PUTTING THIS GAME AT NIGHT YOU ASSHOLES. Do I really need to say anything here? We all know what awaits us Monday night. You need a number? GUH. Green Bay wins, 50-14.

Erik: I don’t want to put a number on it because I’m uncertain if the Cutler-less offense’s productivity was based on successful coaching and execution or the fact that the Redskins’ defense technically doesn’t exist, but yeah Green Bay by a lot.

Code Red: God help me. I....I'm in third place and it doesn't matter. I won't do it. I MUST STAND FOR SOMETHING. Bears win, by showing kids that it's totally honorable to go out there and give it your best when you're going to get fucking destroyed anyway.

Mrs. Code Red: Well, I feel like a jerk, but unlike you  I think I can still win this! Packers win. I'm going to go cry for a little bit now. If Kyle is “right” and the Bears win without Jay Cutler against the Packers I can't even imagine the meatball tide that will rise up behind Josh McCown, even if they win on like 5 Forte TD runs or a pick six.