Prognostication Bukkake Week 5

Progkakke Standings:

Iggins!: 45-18

Code Red: 42-21

Mrs. Code Red: 40-23

Erik: 39-24

Buffalo Bills (2-2) @ Cleveland Browns (2-2)

Iggins!: Two very surprising 2-2 teams here. What the hell is with the Browns? Apparently trading away over-praised A-Train was a nice kick in the ass. I like the Browns to win here as, honestly, they’ve just looked better.

Erik: Yeah they’re clearly doing something right, though if the Josh Gordon rumors are true it seems like they may be doing too much. Just… you’re good, guys. Get a new QB and a couple linemen and you’re good! Browns.

Code Red: The Browns have a good enough defense to be…like, legitimately good now. I don’t know how long this whole Hoyer thing can last, but I like them here. Browns win.

Mrs. Code Red: The Browns seem less mediocre. Browns win.

Kansas City Chiefs (4-0) @ Tennessee Titans (3-1)

Erik: While I predict an eventual return to Earth for the Chiefs, they just keep getting handed more and more wins. The Titans have been better than they had any right to be, but they’re up against a team that’s essentially just them, but better at every position here. Chiefs go to 5-0.

Code Red: Jake Locker finally plays as good as everyone was pretending he was playing and gets hurt. Figures. Chiefs win.

Mrs. Code Red: Chiefs. I keep waiting for them to lose, but I don’t think this is where it happens. Also,  Jake Locker is hurt, and that’s somehow a bad thing. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: I like the Titans, but that Chief defense is way too good for Fitzy. Chiefs win.

New Orleans Saints (4-0) @ Chicago Bears (3-1)

Iggins!: I took this one first so everyone could see I didn’t pick the Bears. I think we’ll do much better than we looked last week. Cutler should recover from whatever he had, the offense should get in tune. I think we can keep it close. But when you throw no pass rush, mediocre secondary play (if we’re being generous), and Drew Brees into a pot, you get a Saints win, 38-27.

Erik: I’m not going to mince words because I’m writing a long-winded rant about it, but here’s my take on Sunday: The QB played like shit, and we were never going to win that game. Everything starts there, and he owned it and was apparently sick. So I don’t like it, but every team loses and I’d rather it be an external factor making that happen than Jay just being bad for no reason. I don’t see how they slow down the Saints, but I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if we somehow keep up with them. But still, yeah, Saints 31-24.

Code Red: You treasonous bastards. My head may agree with thee, but I’ve sacrificed progkakke standings to loyalty before, and I’ll do it here. I do think the offense will play pretty well. Whether that will actually be enough, I don’t know. Bears win 34-30.

Mrs. Code Red: I have to admit I’m nervous, but Bears win 27-30. Think about that score for a minute. You gutless cowards!

New England Patriots (4-0) @ Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)

Erik: The Patriots looked surprisingly like the Patriots last week, even without Gronk and maybe Skim Welker. Brady is clearly developing chemistry with receivers. I also want to point out here that Chris Collinsworth said “Bellichick brings them in here and no matter what their issues are they disappear and they just play good football” on Sunday, during a season when one of Bellichick’s “guys” murdered everyone. Anyway, the Bengals are struggling to find their footing and the Patriots already found theirs, Patriots.

Code Red:  The Bengals lost to the Browns. After beating the Packers. I don’t fucking know. Bengals, because daddy needs to take some chances.

Mrs. Code Red: Going from beating Green Bay to crapping yourselves against the Browns takes a special kind of talent. Patriots win. I need to take chances if I’m going to catch up in the standings this year, but this isn’t one I’m going to take.

Iggins!: The Patriots just aren't that good, and without Gronk I have to go with the Bengals to win.

Detroit Lions (3-1) @ Green Bay Packers (1-2)

Iggins!: Make no mistake, Bear fans, the Lions are a decent team. Erik and I have said it for a while on the podcast, they’re an 8-8 or 9-7 team with some incredibly strange and wild luck swings. Taking a loss to them with Cutler sick and the defense still finding itself isn’t terrible, especially in Detroit. I say this, because when GB destroys them on Sunday, I don’t want anyone thinking we’re screwed. Packers win.

Erik: I think it’s even possible the Lions are a good team, honestly. Their issues have always been conceptual: poor discipline, easily flustered Stafford, one-dimensional offense… the talent was never the problem. They played a good game Sunday, and even if the Bears hadn’t looked that bad it would’ve been close. The Packers are reeling, and clearly have trouble with good pass rush this year. I’m going to be the upset special and say the Lions jump out ahead here.

Code Red:  Not falling for this bit. Packers win. But yes, the Lions are pretty good. Talent’s never been the question. I still think the Bears will get them at home in the rematch.

Mrs. Code Red: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Packers are 1-2. But….Packers.

Seattle Seahawks (4-0) @ Indianapolis Colts (3-1)

Erik: I think the Seahawks could best be described as a Slow Juggernaut. They’re not cramming points down your throat like Denver, but it seems like there’s a point in every game where the Seahawks victory becomes inevitable and from that point on the rest of the game is just detail. The Colts are playing both better and worse than they were supposed to, which is weird, so I think it’ll be closer than it ought, but the 

Seahawks take it.

Code Red: I think that’s just called being a defense-oriented team. Seahawks win.

Mrs. Code Red: I need to take chances…but dammit, I stuck with the Seahawks all of the time when they sucked. I can’t pick against them now. Seahawks win.

Iggins!: Seahawks win.

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4) @ St. Louis Rams (1-3)

Iggins!: Can’t pick the Jags. Rams win.

Erik: I’m pulling for an 0-16 season. Rams.

Code Red: They’re tanking, and doing so admirably. Their willingness to stick with Gabbert is proof of this. Rams win.

Mrs. Code Red: I cannot pick the Jaguars. Rams.

Baltimore Ravens (2-2) @ Miami Dolphins (3-1)

Erik: The Dolphins showed last night that they still have work to do, but considering the absence of Cameron Wake and the fact that New Orleans just has all the offensive weapons they didn’t acquit themselves that poorly outside of Tannehill’s turnovers. The Ravens just keep finding failure in the most interesting places, and I don’t think it gets any better against a team that is going to frustrate the shit out of Flacco. Dolphins.

Code Red: Wake should probably play, which could lead to some more Flacco errors. Dolphins win.

Mrs. Code Red: Despite the fact that Colin Cowherd described Flacco as “one of only a couple QBs that would keep opposing defenders awake the night before playing him because he can really humiliate you” (really?!), I’m betting the Dolphins D isn’t shaking in their boots on this one. Dolphins win. (By the way, I discovered Colin Cowherd on ESPN Radio recently and he pisses me off basically every day now.)

Code Red: I tried to tell her. Lawd, I tried.

Iggins!: The Ravens are in a whole mess of trouble. Dolphins win.

Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) @ New York Giants (0-4)

Iggins!: I think the Eagles will still win the crapshow going on in the NFC East. Eagles win.

Erik: At this point, the NFC East is a race between Michael Vick and Michael Vick’s impending death on the field. If he stays healthy I think they pull out the NFC East. Either way, he’s healthy now and the Giants are terrible. Eagles.

Mrs. Code Red: The Eagles keep losing in a really entertaining manner while the Giants just keep losing. They are so bad it’s almost unbelievable. Eagles win, but probably just barely.

Code Red: Woah, there’s a lot that’s entertaining about the way the Giants are losing. I say fuck it. Why not give ‘em a chance to get off the mat? Giants win.

Carolina Panthers (1-2) @ Arizona Cardinals (2-2)

Erik: The Panthers are looking better and better, but Rivera just keeps finding ways to fuck them up. That defense is legit, and Cam is making Ted Fucking Ginn look relevant. Plus they’re coming off the bye. I’ll take the Panthers.

Mrs. Code Red: These two teams have had nearly identical total offensive yards per game but they’ve gotten there in very different ways. The Cardinals have to keep Palmer on his feet if they are going to accomplish anything but with their crappy O line against the Panther’s solid defense, I’m betting that’s not going to happen. Panthers win.  

Code Red: The Panthers play the ol’ “sack them before they have time to notice how bad our corners and safeties are” and they play it well. Arizona is very susceptible to that style of defense! Panthers win.

Iggins!: I hope tghe Panthers turn the corner. They need to win here to say they've done it. Panthers win.

Denver Broncos (4-0) @ Dallas Cowboys (2-2)

Iggins!: Just keep lining up NFC East teams, for Peyton and the Destroyers, I guess. Broncos win.

Erik: Broncos. (Erik had an adorable image here but... well, blogspot hated it for some reason)

Mrs. Code Red: Until they give me a reason or two not to, I don’t even think an explanation is needed for why I keep picking the Broncos.

Code Red: I, for one, welcome our new equine overlords. Broncos win.Mrs. Code Red: Until they give me a reason or two not to, I don’t even think an explanation is needed for why I keep picking the Broncos.

Houston Texans (2-2) @ San Francisco (2-2)

Erik: I have no idea how these two teams ended up 2-2, but there you go. San Fran seems to be getting things settled, and the Texans just keep looking worse and worse. It’s like somebody showed Matt Schaub what his head looks like and now he can’t think about anything but his hairline. Niners get back above .500.

Mrs. Code Red: A restaurant in Houston actually named a burger the Pick Six this week in (dis)honor of Schaub’s not-so-stellar performance so far this year.  Admittedly the Texans are not as good as everyone expected them to be, but the burger thing is a little bit of an overreaction. The Niners don’t look too hot themselves and Kaepernick is similarly not so great this season. Pretty even match in my book but I’ll take the Texans to win.

Code Red: The Niners still have the same issues they had before running into the Rams. They just, you know, ran into the Rams. Who suck. I er, also, will, er, pick another AFC South upset in San Fran. Texans win.

Iggins!: I got the Texans to win. No reason, just a feeling.

San Diego Chargers (2-2) @ Oakland Raiders (1-3)

Iggins!: This game is the… second Sunday Night game… it starts at 11:35 eastern… and is on the NFL Network. I mean, I know nobody wants to watch this garbage, but wow. Maybe the NFL didn’t want to confirm that people would rather watch hockey? Chargers win because, oh whatever, the NFL doesn’t care and neither do I!

Erik: And it was moved because they have to clean the field up after baseball. This may be the final straw that makes the league tell Oakland they have to either build a Goddamn stadium so people aren’t longsnapping out of the dirt anymore or just get the fuck out of Oakland. Los Angeles, here we come! Still get their shit stomped by the Chargers, though.

Mrs. Code Red: I hate Philip Rivers. Every time I feel like I can legitimately trust him again, he starts sucking. So now that I think he and the Chargers aren’t too bad this year, they’ll start shitting all over my AFC dreams. With this knowledge, I should choose against them. But it’s the Raiders so…  Chargers. P.S. I am jumping so hard on the Broncos bandwagon and I don’t care who knows it. Screw you Chargers. I renounce your title as my AFC backup team.

Code Red: ‘Tis some fine front-running there, sweetheart. Chargers win, stop putting Oakland in primetime.

New York Jets (2-2) @ Atlanta Falcons (1-3)

Erik: The Falcons finally get a chance to catch their breath after a pretty rough first quarter of the schedule. Falcons win, ESPN suffers a stroke trying to explain how beating the Jets means the Falcons don’t have any problems at all.

Mrs. Code Red: Ugh I really don’t know. Neither team has impressed me but generally speaking I don’t pick the Jets. So Falcons win.

Code Red: Erik, you are waaaay too concerned with ESPN narratives, so much so you pre-conceive them! Falcons win.

Iggins!: Falcons win.