Code Red: 48-29
Mrs. Code Red: 46-31
New York Giants (0-5) @ Chicago Bears (3-2)
Iggins!: Two tough losses to good-to-great teams for the Bears, but this stretch of the schedule should let them build some momentum and really mesh as a team. Bears win 38-20.
Erik: The Giants are not good. The Thursday thing is a vague concern, because weird shit always happens in those games; but if there’s anyone more likely to have a sloppy-ass Thursday game than Jay it’s Eli Manning so I’m not that worried about it. Bears win 31-21
Code Red: Not to mention the Bears are the home team, and they win like 70% of these games. Bears 34-24.
Mrs. Code Red: Bears, 31-17. And that's giving the Giants too much credit.
Oakland Raiders (2-3) @ Kansas City Chiefs (5-0)
Erik: Well, Terrelle Pryor is apparently good. We’re just going to have to accept this and move on with our lives. Not good enough to get past that Chiefs defense, though. It’s getting frankly hilarious to hear people saying “The Chiefs’ fall is coming!” as they roll to a 6-0 start. They could lose out the season, and still have improved more than anyone could’ve reasonably asked. Chiefs.
Code Red: The Chiefs fall will come as the Chiefs fall usually does, when they meet a playoff opponent who shuts down their typically overmatched game manager QB, before then I see no problem picking them over the surprisingly not that awful Raiders. Chiefs win.
Mrs. Code Red: Chiefs, because even though the Raiders have been better-ish, the Chiefs are just...better. Minus the ish. Y'know?
Iggins!: Chiefs, the #1 defense in the league!
Cincinnati Bengals (3-2) @ Buffalo Bills (2-3)
Iggins!: Without E.J. Manuel? Hard to see the Bills winning. On the other hand, the Bengal offense is, for no reason, just plain anemic right now. I’ll say Bengals win, but will not be surprised at all to see them lose.
Erik: I’d say that even with E.J. Manuel it’d be iffy, but without him it seems damn near impossible. The Bengals offense was a disgrace on Sunday, but so was New England’s so I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if the rain or something whatever. Bengals.
Code Red: I will NEVER pick a team that is starting a QB from Duke to win a game. Duke, people. Bengals win.
Mrs. Code Red: The Bengals are a very confusing team, but I can't pick the Bills and a QB who has one career start. For the Browns. Bengals win.
Detroit Lions (3-2) @ Cleveland Browns (3-2)
Erik: I could not have said that I think this will be a good game with a straight face a month ago, but it certainly seems possible that it will be now. The Lions showed that they are absolute horseshit without Calvin Johnson on Sunday, but if he’s on the field this week that is immaterial. The Browns were looking very impressive, but I don’t know if Weeden is enough to get past that defense. Lions.
Code Red: The Browns line is still very sketchy, and Weeden has not done all that well under pressure this year. Lions win.
Mrs. Code Red: If Calvin Johnson's out I think the Browns win. Hell, I'll do it. Browns win.
Iggins!: Whoah people think the Lions will win this game? You two are crazy. The Browns defense, at home, even with Weeden, will win this game. Cleveland wins.
Carolina Panthers (1-3) @ Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
Iggins!: (flips coin to determine how Panthers will play…) Heads means Panthers win, I guess?
Erik: If Christian Ponder was ever going to start playing, now would be the time. Vikings?
Code Red: Who the hell is starting this game for the Vikings? Is it Ponder? Cassel? Panthers win just because God I don't know.
Mrs. Code Red: I guess the Panthers, because I feel bad for Cam Newton because Kyle told me that he read an article in ESPN the Magazine where his teammates said that Cam wasn't a leader and that it isn't “his team yet” and that made me sad.
Pittsburgh Steelers (0-4) @ New York Jets (3-2!!!)
Erik: The Steelers are bad. Real bad. The Jets, on the other hand, may be good. And Rex Ryan’s job will be saved because he was canny enough to get the Futtbumbler hurt in a preseason game. Geno hasn’t looked great against pressure, but they should keep him reasonably clean en route to a Jets victory.
Code Red: Rex Ryan should be fired even though Geno is saving his job because Rex didn't want to start Geno. He wanted to stick with the fucking futtbumbler. That's bad coaching. Oh well, the Ryan Unintentional Redemption tour rolls on . Jets win.
Mrs. Code Red: What is the world coming to when I'm picking the Browns and Jets in the same week?
Iggins!: The Jets are surprisingly fun to watch. What is wrong with this world? Are the AFC playoffs actually going to include the Colts, Dolhpins, Jets, and Browns?! Jets win.
Philadelphia Eagles (2-3) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4)
Iggins!: Somehow the Bucs are favored in this game. Foles looked good enough to beat the Bucs, at least! Eagles win.
Erik: At this point there is no limit to the sads that I believe Tampa Bay can achieve this season. Foles may not be Vick, but he’s certainly better than Mike Glennon. Eagles.
Code Red: He may not be Vick, because he appears to have the ability to complete routine passes to wide open receivers in an offense that confuses the hell out of everyone. Eagles win.
Mrs. Code Red: Eagles, because why not?
Green Bay Packers(2-2) @ Baltimore Ravens (3-2)
Erik: It seems like the Ravens only play well when I pick against them, but I really don’t see how they hold back Rodgers here. Packers.
Code Red: People think the Bears are a bad 3-2 team? Has anyone even looked at what Joe Flacco is doing? Packers win.
Mrs. Code Red: Packers win, because it never works when I pick against them.
Iggins!: The Ravens are a pretty crap team that gets a LOT of luck when they win. I can't see the Packers losing here. Green Bay wins.
St. Louis Rams (2-3) @ Houston Texans (2-3)
Iggins!: The Texans are #1 contender for team that will reach on a QB in the middle of the first round. The Rams suck, so I think the Texans win, but man are they the best example of a team being crushed by its QB right now.
Erik: It was always clear that the Texans were only going as far as Schaub can take them, and that is suddenly much less far than it was last year. The league clearly has his number right now, and he has no idea what to do about it. The Rams are just so fucking bad, though. Texans.
Code Red: The Rams let the freaking Jaguars score 20 points. This is a temporary get well game for Schaub. Texans win.
Mrs. Code Red: I'll take the Rams, foolish though it may be, because I went on a limb for them last week and woof.
Jacksonville Jaguars (0-5) @ Denver Broncos (5-0)
Erik: I don’t even have to say it, right?
Code Red: The horror. The horror.
Mrs. Code Red: *laughs*
Tennessee Titans (3-2) @ Seattle Seahawks (4-1)
Iggins!: Seattle had to lose some time, but my opinion really hasn’t changed. They’re going to the Super Bowl. Seahawks win.
Erik: Everybody loses eventually, usually to a team they should’ve beat. Seahawks.
Code Red: The Seahawks are beatable on the road. This is not a road game. Seahawks win.
Mrs. Code Red: Seahawks.
New Orleans Saints (5-0) @ New England Patriots (4-1)
Erik: The Patriots don’t have the offensive firepower to keep up with the Saints, nor do they have the defensive firepower to slow them down. Even if Gronk is back, and this becomes a battle between two QB-TE pairs, I’ll take Brees and Graham any day. Saints.
Code Red: THEIR FORCEFIELDS CAN'T REPEL FIREPOWER OF THAT MAGNITUDE? This is true. Saints win.
Mrs. Code Red: I never want to count Tom Brady out, but he's looked like ass this year, especially last week, and Drew Brees certainly hasn't. Saints win.
Iggins!: The Pats are going to be in a real dogfight to even get into the playoffs with Miami and New York playing well (and the Jets playing better than they did against New England). I don't think they're very good, plain and simple. Saints win because I think they ARE very good.
Arizona Cardinals (3-2) @ San Francisco 49ers (3-2)
Iggins!: I’ve gotta say, fighting for the two wild card spots with the Niners and Lions feels like a pretty good situation for the Bears. I mean, Niners win, but they are really struggling on offense.
Erik: The 2013 San Francisco 49ers are the 2012 Chicago Bears, apparently. Still, the Cardinals are not super-great. Niners.
Code Red: Yeah...hard to figure out what Kaepernick's issue is. Receivers may suck, but even Jay managed to do better than 6/14 for 113 yards of whatever throwing to Kellen fucking Davis. Niners win, though, because Carson Palmer will probably continue his sadness pile of a season. *weeps*
Mrs. Code Red: (Didn't make a pick, Iggins!'s crystal ball says she would pick the Niners)
Washington Redskins (1-3) @ Dallas Cowboys (2-3)
Erik: I’d say Romo might be demoralized coming off that heartbreaking loss, but I don’t think it even matters against a secondary so soft I’ve actually replaced my mattress with a pile of Redskins defensive backs. I’ve never slept better, for the record. Cowboys win.
Code Red: I don't think Romo gets demoralized. If he did he'd have broken long before now. Cowboys win.
Mrs. Code Red: Cowboys, I don't think even Romo could Romo his way out of this one.
Iggins!: I'm taking the Cowboys to win to be conservative, but I have a sneaking suspicion the Cowboys are losing this'n.
Indianapolis Colts (4-1) @ San Diego Chargers (2-3)
Iggins!: Alright, so, lesson is: the team with the most obvious case for regression each year will NOT regress, apparently. Get on this Colts train, baby, that offense is on FIYAH and soon Bradshaw will get back so Trent Richardson can maybe stop running right into a lineman’s ass and falling down. (WORST. TRADE. EVER.)(ed. note, I made that pick before Bradshaw went down for the year, so the Trent Richardson failure tour gets to continue, I guess!) Colts win.
Erik: I don’t know if I’m ready to get on the Colts Train yet, especially with Bradshaw out for the season. But I mean, the Chargers’ defense is terrible and their offense is… erratic. And that’s being generous. Colts win.
Code Red: I could totally see the Colts losing this game just because they've proven themselves to all of their doubters and this seems like a great let down spot. But, y'know, Chargers. Colts win.
Mrs. Code Red: Haven't the Chargers been decent-ish? Eh, Colts, I guess.