Progkakke Week 2
Mrs. Code Red: 11-5
Code Red: 10-6
New York Jets (1-0) @ New England Patriots (1-0)
Iggins!: The Jets got a nice win last week and some hope that Geno Smith could eventually be pretty good, and the Pats got a hell of a scare from the Bills, showing off a bunch of bad receivers and losing their best RB in the process. For some reason, I still think the Patriots win.
Code Red: The Jets won opening day last year, too. Pats win.
Erik: Yeah, it’ll take more than a single win against a team with a habit of losing games they should win to convince me the Jets are on the up-and-up. The Pats lost to the Cardinals last year, too. Even without Danny Amendola playing a cheap Wes Welker, I have to take the Patriots.
Elyse: Patriots because hahahahaha Jets! But also hahahaha Patriots for almost losing to Buffalo last week and because basically their entire team is injured. But still, Pats win.
Minnesota Vikings (0-1) @ Chicago Bears (1-0)
Code Red: Nothing is easy for the Bears this year, not with Adrian Peterson on the other sideline, anyway, but the Vikings struggled on defense and struggled to run the ball after AP’s first carry. That doesn’t bode well for them on the road against the Bears. Bears win 28-13.
Erik: Other than one long-ass run, the Vikings didn’t really show a whole lot of anything frightening on Sunday. They have a decent pass rush, but the line held up great against a better pass rush, so I’m pretty confident. Bears win, 28-14.
Iggins!: The Vikings are a poor team, but AP tends to get one or two TDs whenever he plays the Bears, so I’ll say Bears win 30-17.
Elyse: Bears, 28-17.
Dallas Cowboys (1-0) @ Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)
Iggins!: The Chiefs looked impressive last week, albeit against the Jags. Still, holding an opposing offense to 0 points is impressive against any NFL team and the Cowboys seem more than happy to turn the ball over. I’ll take the Chiefs to win at home.
Code Red: I knew you’d take the Chiefs, you bastard. I am, too, though, because it would just be so Dallas to lose this game. Chiefs win.
Erik: Travis makes a good point. Even Blaine Gabbert usually gets a field goal, at least. Chiefs.
Elyse: Even though Dallas scored 36 points last week, I don’t think that is a testament to their offensive prowess but rather that the Giants defense sucks. I’ll take the Chiefs.
St. Louis Rams (1-0) @ Atlanta Falcons (0-1)
Code Red: The Rams defense looked surprisingly mediocre against the Cardinals. Gonna say Atlanta rebounds in the Dome. Falcons win.
Erik: The Rams just don’t have the production to keep up with Matt Ryan and his enchanted Bag of Pro Bowl Receivers, especially with the defense struggling to match last year’s efforts. Falcons.
Iggins!: Yeah, St. Louis doesn’t have a good enough offense to capitalize on the defensive failings of Atlanta. Atlanta wins.
Elyse: Yeah, I have to assume the Falcons are gonna win this one.
Carolina Panthers (0-1) @ Buffalo Bills (0-1)
Iggins!: This one is tough. Both teams played it close against good teams last week. I have to go with the Panthers to win here because I think Cam will have a bounce back game.
Code Red: Yeah…still not sold on that Bills defense, and Cam is a good guy to test it. Panthers win.
Erik: I don’t think the Panthers playing close means as much as you think, Travis. The Panthers love looking better than they should against good teams. Buffalo, however, is not a good team. Panthers eke one out, but Cam Newton is sad because he still plays for the Panthers.
Elyse: I don’t want to keep picking all the same teams as the guys this week, but I just can’t get behind the Bills right now. Panthers win.
Washington Redskins (0-1) @ Green Bay Packers (0-1)
Code Red: I want to take RG3 so bad, but I’ve fallen into the “THE PACKERS ARE IN TROUBLE NOW!” trap before. Packers win.
Erik: RGIII looked sharp in the second half of Monday Night’s game after a weak start. Rodgers looked sharp for all of Sunday’s game. I don’t think it’s “trouble” to get beaten by the defending NFC champs. Packers win, and the announcers fellate Aaron Rodgers for hours.
Iggins!: No way the [REDACTED]s can win this game. Packers win.
Elyse: Uggghhh… Packers.
Miami Dolphins (1-0) @ Indianapolis Colts (1-0)
Iggins!: Miami confirmed that the Browns will be bad as long as Weeden is the QB last week, and the Colts almost got beaten by Terrelle Pryor. Still, I think Luck gets another Colts win here. That’s good, because soon the Colts are going to lose several games, right in a row.
Code Red: I was actually impressed by the Phins pass rush, and the Colts defense is soffft. Dolphins win.
Erik: The Colts looked pretty sloppy in a narrow win over the Raiders, while the Fins beat the Browns but didn’t do it quite as convincingly as I’d thought they would. Still, I think the Colts are regressing and the Fins are surging. Tannehill will get a much-needed confidence boost carving up a weak Colts secondary as he carries the Dolphins to victory on the wings of the Valkyrie.
Elyse: This seems like a total toss-up, as both teams looked less than impressive to me last week. I’m going to go with the Colts here, but of all the games this week, this is the one that I feel like could really go either way.
Cleveland Browns (0-1) @ Baltimore Ravens (0-1)
Code Red: Well, there’s a cure for what ails ya. Ravens win.
Erik: As hilarious as it would be to see the defending champs go 0-2 with a loss to the Browns, I just don’t see it happening. Ravens.
Iggins!: Ravens win.
Elyse: Man after last week’s horrifying showing against the Broncos I’m really tempted to pick against the Ravens, but… it’s the Browns. So Ravens win.
Tennessee Titans (1-0) @ Houston Texans (1-0)
Iggins!: The Tits didn’t exactly look impressive beating the Steelers, who are flaming garbage, and even though it took Houston a while to get going… well, San Diego did that to Denver last year. This’ll be an easy win for Arian and friends. Houston wins.
Code Red: Texans and their cozy schedules. I swear. Texans win.
Erik: Houston clearly figured out whatever the hell was going on in the first half, and I don’t see Jake Locker even starting out well against that D. Texans eat Jake Locker, shit him out on field.
Elyse: Apparently we’re all just going to pick the same teams this week. Texans win.
San Diego Chargers (0-1) @ Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)
Code Red: San Diego will give up 900 points, they will attempt to run a hurry up with Rivers to compensate for the Blur, and Rivers will commit 8 turnovers. Eagles win.
Erik: As much noise as people made about “figuring out the blur,” it’s really just “defending against the spread, but really fast.” San Diego, though, is not really fast. They get tired, and the Eagles scoot on past, but show some pretty serious flaws that will bite them in the ass in a couple weeks.
Iggins!: The second bottom 5 defense the Eagles face in as many weeks. This train will crash hard when it crashes, but for now Eagles win.
Elyse: The Chargers’ offense will look decent for a while and we’ll all be like “oh, maybe they aren’t so bad after all.” But then Rivers will self-implode and the Eagles will win at the last minute.
Detroit Lions (1-0) @ Arizona Cardinals (0-1)
Iggins!: The score really didn’t properly reflect how badly the Lions beat the Vikings last week. And yeah, they aren’t as good as all that, but they’re going to annihilate the Cardinal offensive line. Lions win.
Code Red: Why not gamble against the Lions? Cardinals win.
Erik: The Lions may have looked like a comedy of errors on Sunday, but they pounded the shit out of the Vikings for rural. Other than one long run on his first carry, they stomped the hell out of Peterson, and Ponder threw three picks that should’ve been five if the Lions’ secondary wasn’t so terrible at closing their hands. Lions roll past to 2-0, and everybody starts talking about them like they’ve already won the Super Bowl again.
Elyse: I don’t know if the Lions annihilation of the Vikings was more about the Lions being any good or the Vikings being the Vikings, but I can’t imagine the Cardinals winning this one. Carson Palmer will throw for like 387 yards but they’ll only score once or something like that. Lions win.
New Orleans Saints (1-0) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1)
Code Red: The Bucs lost to the Jets. They’ll probably still win 6-7 games this year and I will pick them for none of them because they lost to the Jets. Saints win.
Erik: That’s totally fair. The Bucs are their own worst enemy, but even on a good day they’re no match for Brees in a shootout. Saints add injury to insult.
Iggins!: You lose to the Jets, I don’t pick you until you win. Saints win.
Elyse: Yeah, Saints.
Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) @ Oakland Raiders (0-1)
Iggins!: Oh Jesus. This game. It’s going to end 49-45. Start Terrelle Pryor this week in fantasy. I’ll take the
Jaguars to win, if only because I think MJD will end up with 200 yards.
Code Red: Blaine Gabbert couldn’t put up 49 against a JV defense. Jaguars win, because of MJD, though.
Erik: MJD will always disappoint you when you need him most, and I’m not convinced they won’t try to go aerial on the Raiders for no reason other than they are bad at everything. Still… the Raiders. I’ll take the
Elyse: I’ll enjoy watching while these two giant heaps of suck duke it out to get one of the three wins they’ll achieve this season… Jags win, though, because the Raiders suck slightly more, I believe.
Denver Broncos (1-0) @ New York Giants (0-1)
Code Red: Mannning bowl! 7 TDs vs. 6 TOs! Broncos win
Erik: The Broncos are very good and the Giants are… not. Broncos win, and we all reap the sweet sweet reward of Manningface.
Iggins!: This is going to be a slaughter. Bronsos win.
Elyse: The fact that the media is acting like this should be something exciting just because the Mannings are playing each other is a total joke. The Giants stand literally no chance. Broncos win.
San Francisco 49ers (1-0) @ Seattle Seahawks (1-0)
Iggins!: This’ll be a great Sunday night game. Everyone will overreact to the Niners and underestimate Seattle. Don’t sleep on Beast Mode on Russell Wilson! Seahawks win.
Code Red: Are people underestimating the Seahawks already? I’m not. Seahawks win.
Erik: Well, dumb people are. I already took Frank Gore out of my lineup, and I’m considering benching Vernon Davis, too. Seattle kicks the shit out of the 49ers offense, squeaks by in a fairly low-scoring but nonetheless exciting slugfest.
Elyse: Oooh, here’s my chance to sneak past the guys by choosing the Niners. If I was up in the air on this one or didn’t really have any idea, I’d do just that but…. I really do think the Seahawks are going to win.
Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1) @ Cincinnati Bengals (0-1)
Code Red: The first of many underwhelming Pittsburgh prime time games, undoubtedly. Bengals win.
Erik: I thought the Steelers were garbage and still underestimated them last week. Conversely, I actually came away from Sunday very impressed with the Bengals despite their loss. Bengals.
Iggins!: The Steelers are awful. Bengals win.
Elyse: I knew the Bengals were going to be good before they played the Bears, but I didn’t expect them to be quite that tough. Conversely, I knew the Steelers would be bad, but I didn’t expect them to be that bad. Bengals win, no question.