Support my attention-whoring ways by following us on twitter!

Get the SKOdcast imported directly into your brain!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

And We're Back! Sadly, so is Morrissey.

First and foremost, I apologize for our extended absence from the airwaves. Red usually does some X’s and O’s shit during this period, but there seemed little point in doing so during a period of major transition. I had little to comment about in the media, as there just hadn’t been much to talk about until free agency began. Iggins! is just butthurt that nobody else around here cares about basketball, no matter how creatively he names his posts.

Anyway, as you may have heard, not one, not two, but three Chicago sportswriters came away from Tuesday’s glorious acquisitions of Martellus Bennet and Jermon Bushrod thinking “Man, we’ll finally get to blame Jay Cutler when he fails.” Seriously, it’s like they want him to lose just so they can be right.

Since he’s the most offensive, and also because we just flat-out dislike him the most, I chose to go after Morrissey’s. Did you really expect anything else? You know the drill by now, he’s in italics.

If we could get our hands on some truth serum, I’d bet Jay Cutler would admit Tuesday was a better day than his wedding day July 13 will be.

What? Are you trying to be topical? Are you… just a gibbering idiot? It’s the idiot thing, isn’t it?

Nothing against fiancée Kristin Cavallari and the upcoming nuptials, but she can’t protect Cutler’s blind side. She has enough on her plate trying to bring out his soft side.

HAHAHAHAHA Jay Cutler isn’t very nice to people.

Now it’s all up to Cutler. 

And the 52 other members of the Chicago Bears. And the coaching staff. 

There shouldn’t be any more obstacles or excuses, not after Bears general manager Phil Emery bought him a top-notch left tackle in Jermon Bushrod and an excellent tight end in Martellus Bennett on the first day of free agency.

There shouldn’t be any other obstacles? Not, say, the 31 other teams of professional fucking athletes, all competing for the same, single prize? Or the constant toll of injuries and blown expectations that happen when 22 grown men ram themselves into each other as hard as they possibly can for 17 weeks? I’ll buy “no more excuses,” but “no more obstacles” is a bit bold, even for Rick Morrissey.

We are heading into the fifth season of Cutler in Chicago, with very little in the way of rewards or results. 

Except for that NFC title game, but fine. I’ll let you have this one because, deep down, even Red has to admit that Cutler has not been the revolution we were promised.

There are enough explanations for that to fill a book, many of them having to do with a lack of protection from the offensive line. But very little of what Cutler has done in Chicago has lived up to the hype that was waiting for him when he arrived in 2009.

“There are a lot of valid reasons and explanations for the circumstances I’m bitching about; but listing them would disprove my point, so I’m not going to.”

Remember? He was a ‘‘franchise quarterback.’’ That was said by so many people with so much certainty that you half-expected Cutler to show up with the two words tattooed on his forehead.

So many people, including you, Rick. You did that. Or at least your organization did. And how is that Cutler’s fault, anyway? Yes, it sucks that he didn’t win a Super Bowl within moments of touching down in Illinois, but it’s not his fault you made it sound like he would.

What would that tattoo be now? Arby’s franchise quarterback?

“Professional athlete who’s banging a fucking supermodel” is more likely, but I digress.

But now he can change everything — his record, his image, his ringless fingers, his next contract, everything.

I actually have something to say about this line, but Rick, as is his custom, nullifies his own argument in the next paragraph:

The one caveat, of course, is that Bushrod and Bennett might underwhelm, as so many players have after stepping foot inside Halas Hall. 

Yes, they absolutely might. And I have no doubt that you and the rest of the goddamn vultures that work for this city’s news outlets are going to blame Jay for it whether they do or not. Bennett’s hands could fall off, and it would be Cutler’s fault for throwing the ball too hard. You disgust me. 

Sorry, got a little carried away.

But think positively: Bushrod could be the left tackle for years, and Bennett could be the tight end the Bears haven’t had since (bow your head) Mike Ditka.

Add them to a good running back in Matt Forte and a receiver who wants the ball every play in Brandon Marshall, and you have the framework for an excellent offense. Now, about the rest of the offensive line . . . 

Adding two proven, effective blockers in the first day of free agency is about as fast as this boat can go, Rick. Give it more than six fucking seconds before you act like the season starts tomorrow and we’ve got the towel boy at right tackle. Even if it’s J’Marcus Webb, stop acting like that Packers game was the only one he played in. J’Marcus had an acceptable, if underwhelming, season despite the fact that Tice routinely left him flying solo against some of the best pass rushers in the league; give the guy a little credit. 

Emery talked about winning championships at a news conference Wednesday. The signings should mean that Cutler has more than enough to win with, to borrow a phrase from Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau.

Because usually GMs spend the offseason talking about how they hope to earn the #1 draft pick. “He said the word ‘championship!’ If he doesn’t win one, we get to call him a liar!”

‘‘Winning a championship’s not on Jay Cutler,’’ Emery said. ‘‘Winning a championship’s on the Chicago Bears.’’

Smart man, that Emery. I’m kind of surprised it’s taken this long for somebody in Chicago to notice that there are 10 other Bears on the field at any given time, and some of them have to do their jobs well, too.

Fine, let’s rephrase the question. Do the Bears have a good enough offense?

That’s just a different question, Rick. I don’t think you know what “rephrase” means. It’s when you change one or two words or ahhh fuck it.

‘‘That’s to be found out,’’ Emery said.

We don’t know about new coach Marc Trestman. We know all about his reputation as an offensive genius, but we just don’t know, you know? 

You’re right! And you must be the first person to realize that!

We do know he’s supposed to be a quarterback’s best friend. And if anyone is in need of a friend, it’s Cutler after his last two offensive coordinators.


I could go into why the Twin Mikes deserved every insult laid on them not just by Cutler, but by the community as a whole; but I’d still be here tomorrow and I have shit to do.

So, no, this couldn’t play out any better for Cutler. 

It could. It really, really could. Don’t act like they’ve built an unbeatable offense here, you’re doing what you always do. You set the bar impossibly high, and when they fail to reach it you criticize them for not meeting a goal they never set.

He’s heading into a contract year, and if the Bears do the smart thing and wait to see what he does with — hey, look! — a real left tackle and real tight end, then he will make gobs of money from somebody. Cutler acknowledged on WMVP-AM (1000) on Wednesday that it doesn’t look as though a contract extension will get done this season.

He’s been acknowledging that for months. Everybody knows that he’ll be out of a job if they don’t at least make the playoffs this year. This is not news, Rick. I mean, nothing you say is news, but this isn’t even the contradictory bullshit you usually pass off as news.

If he doesn’t do well with these new pieces, then we finally will have the definitive answer on his abilities. 

Unless any number of potential disasters occurs. Maybe Bennett is secretly juicing, or Bushrod is a man with no legs and a man with no arms pretending to be one person to impress a cute girl. Maybe Marshall or, hell, even Cutler himself will get hurt. Maybe Trestman is secretly planning out an elaborate revenge scheme on the whole NFL and is going to call the most ineffective offense in the universe.

I’m not saying I disagree with the core sentiment here. In fact, I agree with Rick’s general idea: we’ve given Cutler everything he could reasonably ask for, now it’s time for him to give a little back. But acting like any situation other than a Super Bowl victory proves that Jay Cutler is a shitty quarterback is just asinine. He could play out of his fucking mind this season and have one bad game that ends it all, or the defense could crumble into dust and lose games that Cutler played well in.

No more reading into his body language for answers. No more getting experts’ opinions about what’s wrong with his throwing mechanics. 

You know, those things the Chicago Sun-Times has been doing once a week for five football seasons. 

No more hearing excuses from his supporters. 

We’ll know. And so will he, deep down.

I’m afraid you’re going to hear excuses forever, Rick. That’s just the way it is. But you’re right I guess. We will probably know, at the end of this season, whether or not Jay Cutler is ever going to be the quarterback he has the talent to be. 

Cutler should be particularly tickled about getting a new left tackle. It can’t be fun to stand in the pocket and have the distinct impression, based on history and open wounds, that a frothing defensive lineman is about to separate you from your head. 

It’s funny how these assholes think they can criticize Cutler for his performance in one breath, and then blame the line for it in the next depending on whom they want to insult in this sentence. I’m not saying either position is unassailable, but you most certainly can’t have both, you greedy shitwhale.

Bushrod was a two-time Pro Bowl selection with the Saints.

Bennett caught 55 passes for 626 yards and five touchdowns last season with the Giants. He already has talked with his friend Marshall about Cutler.

“Oh yea, I guess I should mention those free-agent signings in the column I was asked to write about free-agent signings.” I’m convinced that Rick is actually asked to write about real events and then just foams at the mouth and has a seizure all over the keyboard; but his boss won’t say anything to him because he tries so hard, bless his little heart.

‘‘All he had to tell me was, ‘Man, you’re going to love Jay,’ ’’ Bennett said. ‘‘He just told me he’s a great guy, he’s a fiery guy who wants to win.’’ 

‘‘Good quarterback, man,’’ Bushrod said. ‘‘I’m excited about it. He’s a fiery-type guy. You’ve got to have that.’’ 

You know, that fire that the reporters always get mad at him for having that players seem to react pretty well to. Like J’Marcus Webb.

Depending on whom you talk with, Cutler’s either fiery or flammable. When he angrily bumped into left tackle J’Marcus Webb during a game last season, some teammates thought the fire was out of control.

Speaking of Webb, I really want to know how long Rick is going to ignore the two most important facts about that “incident.” 1) J’Marcus Webb said he didn’t mind and that he deserved it, and 2) J’Marcus Webb played much better after it. I don’t give a shit what D.J. Moore thought about it, D.J. Moore is a fucking clownshoes (and also not a Bear anymore).

But Wednesday was a new day, a fresh day. No flames anywhere. Just sunshine.

It snowed on Wednesday, Rick. 

Oh, you were doing like a thing. Yea, it was a pretty good day. I love that Rick has to actively remind you that this is something to be excited about, because he’s physically incapable of writing an entire article about the positive situations in his life. His wedding announcements were a single sentence at the bottom of an unsent letter to his abusive alcoholic father, and he named his first child “Debt.”

Fuck you, Morrissey.


Rasmus said...

You write incredibly well. Maybe you should apply for Morrisseys job?

Erik said...

That... might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Thanks, Rasmus!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Code Red said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Code Red said...

Quiet, Rasmus. We don't want him asking too much money. You write like Lenny from Of Mice and Men after a qualuude binge, Erik. Now get back in your hole.

Erik said...


Code Red said...

you unionize and I'll outsource the both of you. I've got an entire sweatshop of Malaysians willing to fisk Telander-san.