Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Prognostication Bukakke 2012: NFL Week One

It's back! Praise be to Jebus, football is back. As is the prognostication bukakke. Last year Iggins! won for the first time in our three years of competition. The wife finished just a few games back of second. Unfortunately, she now understands football and is no longer the blank slate control in this experiment. Oh well. We'll see if Iggins! and I can avoid the shame of losing to a girl in predictions and in fantasy football (she is our reigning league champion).

To the picking!

Cowboys @ Giants
Code Red: Is there anything that's more of a sure bet than Tony Romo losing to the Giants in a primetime game? Giants.

Iggins!: The Cowboys and Chargers have followed a similar path. The last 4 years both have been huge preseason favorites to win stuff because their rosters look great, then they’ve fallen on their face one creative way after the other. At least it seems (some) people are avoiding that pitfall this year. Giants win.

Mrs. Code Red: Superbowl? Giants.

Falcons @ Chiefs
Iggins!: So yeah, one time Red and I went to a Cubs game against the Royals in KC (the stadium is literally fifty feet from Arrowhead) and my wife looked at Arrowhead, paused, and decided she would be a Chiefs fan. I chuckled, but then she went home, memorized the players, positions, part of the team’s history, and requested tickets to a game. So the Chiefs made my wife enjoy football. I am slanted towards them, but I think we have to admit at this point that the Chiefs are extremely talented everywhere but at QB. Sadly, that position matters a hell of a lot, but at home, in the opener, I’ll take the Chiefs to win this one 17-14 or something because the Falcons are the Chargers two years ago. They’re always RIGHT ON THE CUSP. But they aren’t.

Code Red: That's touching. So, so touching. They have a solid core. They're hardly “extremely talented” everywhere but QB. The Falcons will win.

Mrs. Code Red: Falcons.

Eagles @ Browns
Code Red: I'm sure the Eagles may find a way to make this look tougher than it should be. Eagles win.

Iggins!: Rookierookierookie and a #1 wide receiver who wouldn’t be a number 3 most anywhere else? I would laugh so hard if the Eagles lost this. Eagles win.

Mrs. Code Red: Eagles.

Redskins @ Saints
Iggins!: People seem to think the absence of Payton somehow hurts the Saints? THEY’RE THE SAME TEAM. Vilma isn’t even that good anymore. Saints win.

Code Red: They signed Curtis Lofton, who is both younger and better than Vilma anyways. Saints win.

Mrs. Code Red: Saints.

Rams @ Lions
Code Red: Oof. Calvin Johnson running loose in the Rams secondary. That's going to get ugly fast. Sam Bradford against the Lions defensive line? Looks like his shoulder injury may come early this year. Lions win.

Iggins!: Development is a tricky thing to predict. The Rams had a godawful year last season, but they have an acceptable core of young guys. My steal of the draft was Isaiah Pead, and my prediction was that he would be… Steven Jackson. Huh. If I were to highlight any game as being a potential shocker in week 1, this would be it, but I’m taking Megatron. Lions win.

Mrs. Code Red: I don't want to say the Lions, but come on. Lions win.

Patriots @ Titans
Iggins!: Hm. You know, I actually really like the Titans this year. CJ2K should get a small bit of his mojo back, Locker seems acceptable, and Britt+Washington is a pretty good receiver combo if they both stay on the field. That said, I can’t pick against the hoodie in game 1. Pats win.

Code Red: I actually really like the Titans to go 8-8 this year. Pats win.

Mrs. Code Red: Patriots. Rob Gronkowski.

Code Red: Yes dear, we get it.

Dolphins @ Texans
Code Red: Well, Tannehill should have a joyous first start. Texans win.

Iggins!: Total annihilation. Texans win.

Mrs. Code Red: Texans.

Mrs. Code Red:
Bills @ Jets
Iggins!: Ah jesus, no matter what happens in this game, ESPN is overreacting about it. Bills win, because Sanchez.

Code Red: I have a hard time picking the Bills in this game, but, damn the Jets are a mess. Bills win.

Mrs. Code Red: Bills.

Jaguars @ Vikings
Code Red: Tough call here. Both of these team's have this game circled as one of the few games they could win this year. I'll roll with the only good unit out of the four in this contest, the Jags defense. Jaguars win.

Iggins!: The Jags do have a good defense, but I expect Ponder to be further along the development conga line than Gabbert, and in order to win games you need the pointz. Vikings win.

Mrs. Code Red: Eww..God..Vikings?

Colts @ Bears
Code Red: I'm sure the Bears will win 28-9, but they'll allow Andrew Luck to look very poised as he tosses a bunch of short completions for no points and meatballs will curse Charles Tillman. The Colts are better, but the Bears are one of the most improved teams in the NFL and were playoff bound last year before doom struck. It all begins here. Bears win.

Iggins!: How are the Colts better? People keep saying that! I disagree. Luck threw some swell five yard passes this preseason when nobody cared. How nice for him! Different beast here. The game’ll be over by halftime. Bears win, 45-6

Mrs. Code Red: Bears 27-10. Duh.

Panthers @ Buccaneers
Iggins!: Don’t trust Schiano, Freeman, Vincent Jackson, or any of the mediocre players the Bucs overpaid this offseason. All you can be sure of is an RB is going to get the ball a lot and Cam is going run rampant. Panthers win.

Code Red: Says the Doug Martin fantasy owner. Don't trust any Buc, period. Panthers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Panthers.

Seahawks @ Cardinals
Code Red: Oh, Jesus. Coin flip says the Cardinals.

Iggins!: Haha, no. No, no, no. Seahawks win.

Code Red: Iggins! Is back in midseason form. Taking shots at Andrew Luck for throwing 5 yard passes in the preseason (Luck averaged 7.9 YPA and 12.7 YPC, btw) while apparently chugging Russell Wilson dong so hard he can dismiss the possibility that the rookie might lose his first start on the road with a wanking motion. He may be right, he may be wrong, but the important thing is he's emphatic.

Mr.s Code Red: I'll go with the Seahawks because they're my fantasy defense?

49ers @ Packers
Iggins!: Holy crap, how is this game not one of the Monday nighters? Thus begins the hard fall back to reality for the Niners. Packers win.

Code Red: Not sure. Fox must have protected it somehow. I want so badly to believe the 49ers will stun the Packers, but I don't buy Alex Smith outscoring Rodgers even against that shitty Packers D. Packers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Sigh. Packers. Least this way we can all enjoy it if the 49ers do win.

Steelers @ Broncos
Code Red: I'm aware that the Steelers got Tebow'd in their last meeting, and now the Broncos have Manning, but I'm not going to just hand him a win against one of the league's elite in his first appearance in two years. Steelers win.

Iggins!: Ryan Clark can’t play in Denver. That is not good. The Steeler defense is on decline and the Bronco defense is on the rise. I’ll take the Broncos to win, everyone to proclaim Peyton as Jesus, then for him to fail miserably the next week for no reason.

Code Red: I don't buy for one goddamn second that the Broncos defense is on the rise. They have Von Miller and that's it. DJ Williams is suspended. Dawkins retired. Champ is old. Elvis Dumervil is only terrifying as a 3-4 OLB and they're back in a 4-3. Humbug.

Mrs. Code Red: I'm going to go with the Broncos. I want Peyton to do well. I think?

Bengals @ Ravens
Iggins!: The Bengals have a nice team, but the Ravens are on a different level still. Ravens dominate.

Code Red: I think the Bengals will take a step back this year win-wise, while having more talent. Their schedule was sooooooft last year. Then Bengals fans will hate Marvin Lewis even more and he still won't get fired and they'll bounce back to another first round playoff exit next year before going 4-12 again after that, because life as Bengals fan is purgatory on Earth. You want hell on Earth you go to Cleveland. Ravens win.

Mrs. Code Red: I just have a thing for Andy Dalton. Bengals. Why not?

Chargers @ Oakland
Code Red: For some reason I never get tired of Oakland's horrifying performances in their yearly prime time double-header opener. It warms the heart to begin the season with Raiders fail. Then again, the Chargers are fantastic at losing games like this. Tough call. Chargers win.

Iggins!: Without Mathews the Bolts are basically running out a ragtag group of mercenaries at RB, Malcom Floyd as their #1 WR, and a nearly decrepit Antonio Gates at tight end. I just… can’t… pick them. Raiders win.

Mrs. Code Red: Chargers. They're my AFC team.

5 comments:

Iggins! said...

Hey, I try to make as few MAYBE statements as possible. COMMITMENT, SON. Also, I didn't say anything about Russell Wilson, we both agree he'll struggle, we just disagree about exactly how awful Arizona is. The Seahawks' strength is pass defense, and the only thing the Cards have going for them is a great receiver and a potentially great rookie receiver. Well, them and Patterson, but one great CB won't matter much considering the Seahawks will probably run the shit out of the ball. I like Russell Wilson in the future, but jesus not immediately; I just think Arizona will end up being one of the three or four worst teams in the league.

And the Steelers are my hunch pick for team that fails this season for seemingly no reason (because we all know the whole pythagorean win theorem thing is the reason the 49ers and Lions will probably fall back to .500). And I'm feeling a Broncos victory to set up a wekk of PeyPey dong chugging before he gets murdered. I mean, really, actually, accidentally murdered.

Code Red said...

I agree that the Seahawks are more talented, and that the Cardinals could end up being one of the worst teams. I did say it was a coin flip. I just think on the road, in his first ever start, knowing that Russell can be aggressive at times, there's a decent chance the Seahawks blow that one before figuring some stuff out down the road.

Erik said...

It's actually going to build a lot of anxiety for me watching the Broncos this year. It's like... I don't really want to see a football legend paralyzed on the field, but at the same time I'm not going to stop watching because of it.

Iggins! said...

Yes, there is no precedant for the Cardinals giving up a really good game to a rookie quarterback in the first game of a season.

Oh shit, wait.

(NOT SAYING RUSSELL IS CAM NEWTON. Just saying they're bad enough to make him look like it for one game).

Code Red said...

....and the Cardinals won that game.