Last week can only be described as a complete ass kicking, punctuated by Red picking the Raiders based on the merits of their offense. (Editors Note, since I can abuse my admin abilities: This is what I said about Oakland: "With that said, Oakland’s defense is legit, and they’ll be able to run the ball against Denver." I was way off anyways, but to you people who can read, on which unit's merit do I appear to have based that pick??) While you attempt to understand how someone who seems so intelligent could have such a complete and total brain fart, enjoy our (mostly) unanimous picks for this week.
Records so far:
Code Red: 7-8
(1-2) Detroit @ (2-1) Chicago
Iggins!: Nice job getting a win last week, Detroit. You still suck. Da Bears.
Code Red: Bears. 31-13. But seriously, congrats.
(2-1) Cincinnati @ (0-3) Cleveland
Bengals. Who does Cleveland take with the number one pick? Bradford, who is now an injury concern? Tebow, who may not have a brain left after the beating he took and isn’t yet a fit for a pro style offense? McCoy, who lacks the physical attributes? Jevan Snead, who looks downright Grossmanish? We’ll see.
Iggins!: Hey, you know who picked the Bengals last week? Bengals win.
(1-2) Seattle @ (3-0) Indianapolis
Iggins!: The Colts have the mark of a great team: consistency. They won’t have a letdown game. I don’t think they’re as good as their record will eventually show, but they are good enough to beat Seattle. Colts win.
Code Red: The Colts have the mark of a great team: a great fucking quarterback. So excited to put the Bears in that category too. Colts win.
(3-0) New York Giants @ (0-3) Kansas City Chiefs
Code Red: Giants. Next question?
Iggins!: Wow the Giants get to play a lot of bad teams early on, huh? Giants win.
(3-0) Baltimore @ (2-1) New England
Iggins!: God I hate New England. They don’t look good! How did they beat Atlanta?! I hope God’s linebacker sodomizes Brady. Literally. Ravens win.
Code Red: I also hate New England. But I hate the man who tried to cover up a stabbing and then comports himself as “God’s Linebacker.” He then compared Steve McNair, who was shot and killed by his own mistress, to Jesus at his funeral. God damn I hate Ray Lewis. What am I trying to say? Hell I don’t know. I guess Ravens win, but we all lose.
(0-3) Tampa Bay @ (1-2) Washington
Code Red: (via text message) Fuck. I mean Tampa’s starting Josh Johnson (not Freeman). But Washington just lost to Detroit… Fuuuck. Washington wins.
Iggins!: Double suck! Washington wins.
(0-3) Tennessee @ (1-2) Jacksonville
Iggins!: Wow, the Colts have no competition in their division yet again! Can Tennessee actually manage to go 0-4? I don’t see why not. Jacksonville wins.
Code Red: Despite their win over the enigma that is the Houston Texans, the Jags still blow. The Titans will finally get on the board.
(1-2) Oakland @ (1-2) Houston
Code Red: I made the mistake of picking you once, Oakland, I won’t do it again. The Texans roller coaster ride will head up with a win.
Iggins!: Oakland is awful, and it isn’t anybody’s fault but Al Davis. Texans win.
(3-0) NY Jets @ (3-0) New Orleans
Iggins!: The Jets are winning on gusto and great coaching. The Saints are like a velocinado (velociraptor/tornado). Gusto can’t stop that kind of destruction and mayhem. New Orleans wins.
Code Red: The Saints are good, but they have their weaknesses. They’ve got enough to take down the Rex Ryan hype for a week, however. Saints win.
(1-2) Buffalo @ (0-3) Miami
Code Red: Death isn’t an option? Then I’ll take Buffalo.
Iggins!: I would have picked Miami if Pennington wasn’t gone. Buffalo wins easily.
(0-3) St. Louis @ (2-1) San Francisco
Iggins!: If Brett Favre wouldn’t have completed the luckiest pass in the history of fucking luck, the 49ers would have clinched the West already. And the Ram’s answer is… Kyle Boller? Sigh. 49ers win.
Code Red: The only team that can truly rival Cleveland for the top pick. 49ers win.
(2-1) Dallas @ (3-0) Denver
Code Red: Guh. I picked against Denver last week because of Oakland’s offense. I didn’t factor in JaMarcus Russell’s pitiful regression of despair. Dallas, however, will finally challenge Denver’s defense, and I don’t think Denver will have the offense to keep up. Cowboys win.
Iggins!: You… picked Oakland because of their offense? What the hell is wrong with you? Cowboys win, and finally bring the Broncos back to reality. A cold, 3-5 reality.
(SECOND Editor's Note: Oh, I see what I did there. Yeah, when we were doing the e-mail back and forth composing this, I accidentally typed offense instead of defense. That pick was entirely based on Oakland's fairly good defense. I would never pick Oakland's offense to beat anyone that wasn't Cleveland. Iggins! and I have been on the JaMarcus Russell Sucks bandwagon since his sophomore year of college. HE HAD ONE GOOD BOWL GAME! Either way, the quote from last week came first, and I clearly picked Oakland's defense. So I'm not a moron, more a terrible proofreader.)
(2-1) San Diego @ (1-2) Pittsburgh
Iggins!: Wow, Pittsburgh is 1-2! And the most overrated team for every year each of the past 3 years is 2-1! Let’s even that out. Pittsburgh wins.
Code Red: Pittsburgh will rebound at home. Pittsburgh wins.
(2-1) Green Bay @ (3-0) Minnesota
Code Red: Uggh. I’ll probably watch this one on mute to avoid the Favrellatio. Green Bay wins, because my Favre hate now outstrips my Packer hate now that the two are separated.
Iggins!: The Vikings now start a stretch of games against good teams. They should have lost to the 49ers, and now they WILL lose to Green Bay. Green Bay wins.