ESPN and Favre....Again

This place was, believe it or not, once primarily a football site, and I'd like to take a minute to address some ESPN schlop about the rumors that Favre will play this year for the Minnesota Vikings, while I'd love to put it as eloquently as Big Daddy Drew of Kissing Suzy Kolber, I'm just going to break down this article by Gene Wojciechowski entitled "Brett Favre is considering a comeback, and he's still worth watching." His quotes in italics.

I know what some of you are thinking about this Brett Favre-in-The Color Purple-scenario: He's animal crackers, he's almonds and cashews -- nuts, he's absolutely lost the football laces to his mind.

Ho Ho! Not at all what I'm thinking. Is Brett insane? No, not at all. Greedy? Absolutely. Does he have an incredibly delusional sense of self importance thats been reinforced over the last ten years by fawning media yuppies while his career has continued a never ending death spiral with just one outlier in 2007? Without a doubt. Does he probably lie awake at night terrifed to contemplate walking away from the game because he can't find validation without Peter King writing every fucking week about his legend like its a Norse Saga? Yes. (But really, he could still retire for good and Peter would find away to praise him every week).

And even though I'm the resident ESPN defender of all things Favre (with the exception of those Wrangler commercials, the ones in which male models try to block for Favre in a pick-up football game), I understand where you're coming from on this. You've had it with the multiple retirements, the comebacks, the waffling. You want him on a riding lawnmower in Mississippi or in a television booth come September. Anywhere but in an NFL uniform and in a huddle, right?

The resident defender of Favre? Does that imply that someone, ANYONE on ESPN actually criticizes The Gunslinger? If so where has That guy been since about 1998? Is he chained up in a boiler room next to the guy who tried arguing that Major League Baseball has Central and Western divisions as well as Eastern? And I don't want Favre in a television booth in September. I don't want him in a television booth at all. My God. Can you imagine the hypocrisy of Brett analyzing the play of other quarterbacks? Is he going to criticize the decision making of Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, or any of the other bajillion quarterbacks that have a better touchdown-to-interception ratio than him? That will be laughable.

But one person's Favre fatigue is another person's possible quarterback answer. And that person is Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress, who at least owes it to himself and his team to kick the tires on the No. 4-mobile.

I don't know whether the 39-year-old Favre has another season in him, but I'd like to find out. Because for all the Favre-related complaining and eye-rolling by his critics and skeptics, the NFL is more interesting with him than without him.

Brad Childress may care about what he owes to himself, but he sure as shit doesn't care about what he owes to his team. If he did, he wouldn't have reached in the second round a few years ago to grab Tavaris Jackson out of Alabama State. He wouldn't have allowed Brad Johnson on a football field. Ever. He wouldn't have waffled between Jackson and GUS FREROTTE last year. Hell, there are a thousand ways to improve the quarterback position. Childress has spent three years pissing on all of them because clearly his time as the Eagles offensive coordinator allowed him to learn from Andy Reid all of the ways to abuse the quarterback position. And No. The NFL is not more interesting with Brett Favre. Its not. The average football fan is sick and fucking tired of Brett Favre news. We will change the fucking channel every time they break into a separate game to show us another of Favre's career milestones that are cheap and hollow because they've come at the expense of crippling two franchises and a third soon to come. If the sports media knew Anything about how to maintian their viewers interest they'd chain up King, Madden, Collinsworth and every other broadcaster who can't keep focus enough on a game between the Bears and the Buccaneers without finding some fucking way to mention Favre. I can't WAIT to hear every single comparison Jay Cutler gets to Favre. It was so much fun with Grossman the first time around. Until the media tore him apart for poor decision making.

Can he still play? Until a torn right biceps tendon affected his arm strength, it looked like he could. The New York Jets won five more with Favre as their QB than they did a season earlier. Favre stunk it up down the stretch, but he wasn't the only Jet with an odor. It was a team of finger-pointers -- some of them anonymously pointed at Favre -- who played the convenient blame game.

Oh yes. The torn bicep. Favre was hurt! You can't blame him! Granted, he'd never actually take time off to heal an injury when it might affect his precious Iron Man streak. This reminds me of the thumb injury he had in 2003. Whenever he gashed a team for 300 yards, well, aww, shucks, ya know, the thumb don't really affect me all that much. Then when he laid an egg and lost to the godawful Lions on Thanksgiving the tv cameras zoomed in on the splint every fucking time they had the chance in order to subconsciously plant the idea that "IS NOT BRETT FAULT! HE HURT THUMB!!!" and of course Brett blamed his "bad grip" right after the game was over. The truth is the Jets improved primarily on the play of both their defensive and offensive lines because of pickups like Alan Faneca and Kris Jenkins. Also, some of them weren't pointed anonymously at Favre. Thomas Jones came out and said he should have been benched. God Bless Thomas Jones.

Old or not, the Green Bay Packers thought he could still play a season ago -- just not for them. But that didn't stop Packers management from inserting a poison pill clause in Favre's Jets deal. Trade him to a team in the NFC North -- home of the Packers, Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears and Favre's original post-Green Bay choice, the Vikings -- and the Jets would owe Green Bay three first-round picks.

If Favre and his sometimes knuckleheaded agent, Bus Cook (see Cook's comments comparing his client Jay Cutler to Tom Brady and the Manning brothers), manipulated the circumstances to create a 2009 opportunity with the Vikings, then good for them. After all, the Packers manipulated the circumstances to limit Favre's playing opportunities in 2008. All's fair in trade clauses and retirement announcements.

Oh yes, the Packers still thought he could play. That's why Ted Thompson had been trying to pressure him into retirement from the day he got there and probably cursed the Gods for Favre's miracle 2007 campaign. And yes, the mean old Packers manipulated the circumstances for Favre to play. It was so unfair of them to seem shocked and upset when the greatest player in Packers history told them he was walking away only to return and demand a trade to their bitterest rivals. TEHY MANIPOLATED HIM!

Even if you can't stand the idea of another Favre unretirement, you have to admire him for working his way around a system usually stacked in favor of the teams, not the players. But however he got to this point, either by plan or accident, Favre could be a Viking soon.

Even though I hate making the usual "NFL players make too much money" argument, they do. Any system in which you make millions of dollars to play professional sports is stacked in favor of the fucking players. I'm not going to applaud because Favre's used the pressure of his legion of dopes to fuck the Packers three ways from Sunday, even if I wouldn't piss on Lambeau Field if it were on fire unless I was chugging kerosene.

The Vikings need a quarterback. They have enough of everything else to make a serious playoff run, but they don't have a quarterback who inspires anything else but yawns.
Tarvaris Jackson has potential, but we've been saying that for three years now. Jackson has never completed more than 59.1 percent of his passes in any of those three seasons. If the Vikings were convinced he was the answer, they wouldn't be chatting with Favre.

The same goes for Sage Rosenfels, whom the Houston Texans traded for a 2009 fourth-round pick. As a backup and five-game starter, Rosenfels thrilled Texans fans with a 6-touchdown, 10-interception season. So now you know why the Vikings are talking to Favre.

I'm not going to pity the Vikings situation at quarterback. They've bumbled their way into that situation and its hilarious. But you know what's hysterical? Sage Rosenfels, for all of his turnovers, actually has a higher quarterback rating over the last three seasons than Favre does, and his 6 td, 10 int performance earned him a 79.5 rating, exactly 1.5 points lower than 81.0 Favre. Big. Fucking. Deal.

If the Vikes buy Favre an engagement ring, the team instantly becomes a better team. Not Super Bowl better, but maybe better than the 10-6 record they had a year ago while winning their division. Favre wouldn't cost them a draft pick. He probably wouldn't cost them what the Jets paid him in 2008 ($12.7 million). And he wouldn't be showing up in early August.

What is there to back this up? His 9-7 record with the Jets last year? There's no metric that proves the Vikings have a more talented core than the Jets did last year. Adrian Peterson is undoubtedly better than Thomas Jones, but the Jets still had a solid running game. The receivers on both teams suck, and the Jets defense was hardly worse than Vikings last year at 22 ppg vs 20 ppg, with the Jets actually generating far more turnovers, all while playing in a division featuring far better offenses, believe it or not, than the ones the Bears and Lions threw at the Vikings for four games last year. Also, I love the confidence of saying "instantly become a better team" followed shortly thereafter by "maybe better than the 10-6 record they had a year ago." Uh huh.

Schedule handicapping is dicey stuff, but for what it's worth, the Vikings open at home against Cleveland, travel to the Detroit Staffords, play San Francisco at home and then play, ta-da, the Packers on Monday Night Football on Oct. 5 in the Metrodome.
They play the Rams in St. Louis, Baltimore at home, then go to Pittsburgh, followed by a trip to Green Bay on Nov. 1. Think about it: Favre at Lambeau … in purple.

Then it's home games against Detroit, Seattle and Chicago, a road trip to Arizona, home against Cincy, away games at Carolina and Chicago (Dec. 28) and then home against the Giants.

Do the math because I can't. I have no idea how it will play out, but I'm guessing the rest of the NFC North would rather face the Vikings without Favre in the lineup.

Favre in his last 8 games against the Bears: 176/307, 57% Comp, 1,972 yds, 246.5 ypg, 6.4 ypa, 5 tds, 15 ints, 61.7 rating. He's also been sacked 12 times in those 8 games. I can't imagine any other quarterback I WOULD want in the Vikings lineup. Perhaps I should stop this argument right here.

If Favre is doing this to stick it to the Packers, then it's the wrong kind of comeback for the wrong kind of reasons. Despite their messy divorce, Favre and the Packers will forever be joined at the chinstrap.

But if he can still play, and compete, and win, then there's nothing wrong with another retirement reversal. Vikings fans won't mind; why should you?

I hope The Waffler returns. I hope he stays healthy. Most of all, I hope my plasma works on Oct. 5 and Nov. 1.

IF Favre is doing this to stick it to the Packers? IF? Is there any doubt? The guy hates Ted Thompson because he had the gall to see a declining player who hurt his own team as much as he helped it with poor decision making and he had the NERVE not to fawn and beg Brett to come back when he decided to retire. What he's doing now is malice, pure and simple, and I can not wait for his season to go up in flames and prove Thompson right once and for all. Also, the article by Drew I posted above should be proof that Vikings fans Do mind. Go away Brett, just fucking go away.

Your SKO Random Third Baseman of the Day: Tyler Houston

A few notes before I begin my recap of the Tyler Houston Experience-

1. Try not to freak out about Zambrano. Two, three starts and he'll be back.

2. BOBBY SCALES. That is all.

Name: Tyler Sam Houston
Height: 6'2'' Weight: 210 lbs.
Bats: Left Throws: Right
Years as a Cub: 1996-1999

Tyler Houston showing the kind of prodigious power that earned him a .388 slugging % as a Cub.

During the 1996 season, the Cubs third basemen- Leo Gomez, Dave Magadan, and Jose Hernandez, and their back up catchers, Mike Hubbard and Brian Dorsett, all played like garbage. The Cubs responded to this situation by trading for former first round pick C/3B Tyler Houston of the Braves, which was somehow supposed to fix that.

Houston actually played fairly well for the Cubs in 1996, appearing in 46 games (including 27 as a catcher and 9 at third), and hit .339/2/19/.382/.452, for a respectable .834 OPS. In 1997, however, Houston's offensive prowess regressed considerably, and he posted just a .260/2/28/.290/.342 line in 72 games, 12 of which came at third base. In 1998 Houston played well in the first half, splitting playing time with Scott Servais and Sandy Martinez at catcher and Jose Hernandez and Kevin Orie at third. After a .295/5/17/.323/.477 start, he hit just .234/4/16/.273/.353 to finish the season.

The 1999 season was the first year in which Houston featured prominently as a third baseman for the Cubs. The results were poor. After Gary Gaetti's miserable start exposed the stupidity of the Cubs front office re-signing a 40 year old third baseman, Cub fans were exposed to 63 games (51 starts) of Tyler at third base, during which time he rewarded the Cubs with a .233/9/27/.309/.386 line to go along with a 13 errors at the hot corner, adding up to a miserable .910 fielding % (league average at third that year- .955). The Cubs finally decided they had seen enough and shipped Houston the Cleveland Indians for Richard Negrette. Houston went on to play with the Brewers, Dodgers, and Phillies before retiring in 2003. In case you think Tyler's major league career was lacking in highlights, he had a three homer game on July 9, 2000 against the Detroit Tigers. According to his Wikipedia entry, it was the first time in Brewers history a back up catcher received a curtain call, a statistic the Brewers apparently keep.

Ex-Cub Updates

While galavanting around my one of my favorite blogs MLBTradeRumors.com, which you should really go to, as Tim Dierkes does a great job updating on just about every trade/FA signing/release/waiver wire pickup and what have you, I noticed a couple updates about two former Cubs I've always liked- Jon Lieber and Matt Murton.

The news about Jon Lieber is that he is retiring after a 14 year major league career. During that time Lieber went 131-124 with a 4.27 ERA, a 1.28 WHIP, 1,553 K's and just 422 walks in 2,198 innings in 401 career games (327 starts). Lieber was the ace of the Cubs from 1999-2002 (which really says more about the lack of quality starting pitching than it does about Lieber's abilities) and had his best season in 2001 at 20-6 with a 3.80 ERA and a 1.149 WHIP in 232.1 IP. Lieber was a workhorse in his years with the Cubs and pitched over 200 innings his first three seasons before an injury ended his 2002 season at 141.0 IP. After spending a few years with the Yankees and Phillies, Lieber came back to the Cubs last year, narrowly lost a spring training battle with Jason Marquis and Ryan Dempster for a rotation spot, and then pitched in 26 games for the team, where he was fairly effective in long relief and had just one horrible start against the Reds before an injury in July effectively ended his season and his career. Fairwell, Jon, I'll always remember you as one of the few Cubs starters in my lifetime who Rarely walked people.

The next ex-Cub mention of note is this article by FanGraphs entitled Free Matt Murton, a condition I wholeheartedly endorse, as, up until his trade from the Cubs to the A's last summer (which I mistakenly believed would lead to more playing time for Matt), I had a wonderfully well done MS Paint picture (below) of that adorable redhead trapped behind bars that was captioned "Free Matt Murton" on the right side of the website.


I'm not one of those Cub fans who believed Matt Murton would be a superstar at the major league level (or Bob Brenly, who apparently thought Murton and Chad Tracy would comepete for a batting title someday...we'll just ignore everything wrong with that). I can't, however, understand how a guy with a .362 career OBP who is well capable of putting up an .800 OPS can't even stick as a fourth outfielder when there are players out there like Darin Erstad who pull down that job despite literally having been useless as a major leaguer since the year 2000. Someday I really hope Matt gets his chance to contribute to a major league team again.

The Matt Stairs Award Update #1

I promised this year I'd try to give pseudo-regular updates on the race for baseball's greatest prize, and so far here's the standings:

Since it's really too early in the season to focus on the statistics, based simply on the candidate's performance on the field the current leader after 11 games is Koyie Hill, backup catcher:


Forced to step in during the second game of the season, Koyie responded well over the next five starts, actually hitting .300 with a .917 OPS and a home run over that stretch while playing pretty decent defense behind the plate. He's going to have to get into a few more games (I truly pray no disaster befalls Soto allowing Koyie to appear in the 81 games required to be eligible for the award), but for his brief week in the sun, Koyie was the best mediocre player on the Chicago Cubs.
To Koyie!

A ranking as of today (and completely arbitrary):

1. Koyie Hill, C
2. Mike Fontenot, 2B
3. Micah Hoffpauir, 1B/OF
4. Aaron Heilman RHP
5. Aaron Miles, UTIL

Booing Jason Marquis

Yesterday during the introductions before the Cubs home opener against the Rockies, I was told by someone watching the broadcast (I was at work and therefore unable to) that Jason Marquis was booed by the Wrigley faithful upon being introduced. This raises of course the question of what Marquis did to deserve such malice upon his return to Chicago.

Was Marquis the worst of the starting 5 the Cubs rolled out last year? Definitely. Do I subscribe to the Al Yellon view that you can't say Marquis was bad because he was good compared to other "5th starters" as though rotation spots were a government pay grade and set in stone? Not at all. Do I enjoy the style of writing in which one does nothing but answer his own questions? You bet. But was Jason Marquis a truly "bad" player? I would have to disagree.

Consider certain players who have returned to Wrigley and been booed. LaTroy Hawkins is one of the first that comes to mind for me, given that he not only sucked in the most crucial of positions for Cub fans, but his absurd "you can't do what I do" defense and his playing of the race card merited a fairly unpleasant welcome. Had Todd Hundley ever returned I'm sure he would have been stoned, though I suppose the treatment he received throughout much of his tenure as a Cub was deserved, mostly because he was an asshat who flipped off the fans and was more or less a disgrace to his father's legacy. Dusty Baker was booed at just about Reds-Cubs game last year, and given the back alley abortion he performed on this team and his constant refusal to accept any of the blame even after two years away from the situation pretty much leads us to despise him. But Marquis?

Sure, there was his complaint early last spring that he should be starting. Lou got pissed that Jason seemed to think he had earned the right to start, but it didn't affect his decision to run Jason out there every fifth day. I can't say that I wouldn't have felt the same way in Jason's position. I may not have said it publicly as he did, but I too would have felt that I deserved to start over Jon Lieber's corpse.

In the end it was Jason's role to end up being the focal point for rage on a 97 win team. For much of the regular season there really wasn't that much to be that pissed about, unless you frequent this place. I'm not going to lie, I frequently advocated starting Sean Marshall over Marquis. But I never hated the guy. If you take a look at his numbers

2008:29 G, 28 GS, 11-9, 4.53 ERA, 167.0 IP, 1.45 WHIP

2007: 34 G, 33 GS, 12-9, 4.60 ERA, 191.2 IP, 1.39 WHIP

Nothing truly God Awful stands out, especially when compared to some of the other more memorable "5th starters" in Cubs history:

Shawn Estes, 2003: 29 G, 28 GS, 8-11, 5.73 ERA, 152.1 IP, 1.74 WHIP

Jason Bere, 2002: 16 G, 16 GS, 1-10, 5.67 ERA, 85.2 IP, 1.47 WHIP

Ruben Quevedo, 2000: 21 G, 15 GS, 3-10, 7.47 ERA, 88.0 IP, 1.705 WHIP

Terry Mulholland, 1999: 26 G, 16 GS, 6-6, 5.15 ERA, 110.0 IP, 1.536 WHIP

G(J)eremi Gonzalez, 1998: 20 G, 20 GS, 7-7, 5.32 ERA, 110.0 IP, 1.500 WHIP

So really it becomes obvious from looking at numbers like those that Marquis was somewhere far short of horrendous, and that his greatest misfortune was playing for a really f*&king good team. What a shame. Seriously, my fellow Cub fans, grow up and boo for an ex-Cub that deserves it. Jason has to pitch in Colorado. He is serving his time. You need not boo him any more.

However, for the Cubs sake, and Jason's I do hope they light him up tomorrow. Certainly there's a precedent for Cubs "fifth starters" who return as members of the Colorado Rockies. I know watching the Cubs destroy him alleviated most of my rage toward Estes. Maybe a Marquis flop against the Cubs will soothe the undeserved hate aimed at him by the masses.

(Update: Way to go Jason. I offered you sage advice, telling you that if you'd only let the Cubs bend you over the table for about 9 runs, the fans would love you. But noooooo... Thanks alot, Asshole.)

Your SKO Random Third Baseman of the Day- Jose Hernandez

Name: Jose Antonio (Figueroa) Hernandez
Height: 6'1'' Weight: 180 LB
Bats: Right Throws: Right
Years as a Cub: 1994-1999, 2003

For most of my life, I've been a reasonably statistical fan of the game of baseball. Since the early days of the fuss over Moneyball and Billy Beane, I've been decidedly new school in the importance of OBP and OPS over Batting Avg. and RBIs. There was a time in my life though, when a strong armed, sleek looking shortstop/third baseman with profoundly awful plate discipline teased me with his brief flashes of power and made me think he would be awesome someday. That man's name was Jose Hernandez, and he was not awesome at all. The Cubs first acquired Hernandez in 1994, when I was six years old. The Cubs were awful that year and so the 24 year old Jose got into 56 games that year, including his first 9 starts at third for the Cubs. In 1995 Jose's role expanded to 93 games, including another 10 starts at first base. With the bat that year Jose hit 13 homers in just 245 at-bats! Who cares if he only hit .245? What's a .281 OBP even Mean? Thats a lot of homers! If he was a full time starter he could hit like 30! Then in 1996 I was ecstatic when Steve Buechele was finally gone and Jose was given the opening day start at third! Then of course Jose hit .205 in April and was soon shifted over to shortstop and replaced at third by Leo Gomez, which worked out famously. Jose did get into 131 with 331 at-bats throughout the season as a sub/SS, with and hit a disappointing .242/10/41/.293/.381.

By 1997, Jose had lost both his third base job, now to Kevin Orie rather than Leo Gomez, and the shorstop job to old favorite Shawon Dunston. Hernandez bounced back and forth between short, third, and second during the year, finishing with 12 more starts at third and a better statistical line of .273/7/26/.323/.486.

The outlook for Jose's playing time looked grim before 1998, with Orie entrenched at third, and free agent acquisitions Mickey Morandini and Jeff Blauser at second and short, respectively. Then the season began and both Orie and Blauser blew. The Cubs sent Orie down, and Jose slotted over to third base, where he made 54 starts. When the Cubs acquired Gary Gaetti on the waiver wire to take over the hot corner, Hernandez shifted over to short to replace the atrocious Blauser, and made 37 starts at short. In total, Hernandez' 1998 was his best as a Cub, with 144 games started at third, short, first, second, and in the outfield. He hit .254/23/75/.311/.471 that year, and those 23 homers seemed to vindicate everything I ever thought about his ability. He was a star, I said. 23 homers! That's more than Derek Jeter hit that year! We have one of the best power-hitting shortstops in baseball!

Then 1999 happened and everything went wrong. The Cubs lost 95 games, their lineup and rotation fell apart, and even though Jose was off to the best start of his career, the Cubs of course had to make room for rookie Jose Nieves and Jose was thrown in with Terry Mulholland in a trade to the Braves in which the Cubs acquired Ruben Quevedo, Micah Bowie, and Joey Nation. That's wonderful. Jose finished his last Cubs season (of the 20th century) with a line of .272/15/43/.357/.450 in 99 games, mostly at shortstop, and for the first time in his Cub career he did not start a game at third (naturally, who would need him at third when you have Gary Gaetti and Tyler Houston?). After the Braves, Jose moved on to the Brewers for three years, where he actually put up some decent offensive seasons (including a trip to the All Star Game in 2002), but built upon his reputation as a free swinger with back to back seasons of 180+ strikeouts (in 2002 he finished with 188 after his manager benched him for four of the last five games of the season in order to keep him from breaking the record for most in a season). Jose then started the 2003 season, but wound up Back in Chicago when Mark Bellhorn failed to do anything at third base.

By this point I was old enough to be far, far, far less enthused about Jose in a Cub uniform, and he did nothing to change that opinion in his 23 games with the Cubs that year (13 starts at third), as he hit just .188/2/9/.222/.348. Then on July 23, 2003 Jose did something amazing. He, along with Jim Hendry, singlehandedly convinced Dave Littlefield that he was equal in value to Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton (when one factors in Bobby Hill and Matt Bruback), and he was sent to Pittsburgh. Ramirez of course has solved the Cubs decades long hot corner conundrum. Hernandez of course ground into the double play that clinched the division for the Cubs later that year. After 2003 Jose bounced from the Dodgers to the Indians to the Pirates again to the Phillies before retiring after the 2006 season.

The Roster is Set, Opening Day is Tomorrow, Here Are Your Cubs-

The Pitchers-
SP- #38 Carlos Zambrano (14-6, 3.91 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 188.2 IP), Bats: Switch. Throws: Right.
SP-#46 Ryan Demspter (17-6, 2.96 ERA, 1.21 WHIP, 206.2 IP) Right/Right
SP-#30 Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (17-9, 4.09 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, 204.2 IP) Left/Left
SP-#40 Rich Harden (10-2, 2.07 ERA, 1.06 WHIP, 148 IP) Right/Right
SP-#45 Sean Marshall (3-5, 3.86 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 65.1 IP) Left/Left
LRP- #37 Angel Guzman (0-0, 5.59 ERA, 1.45 WHIP, 9.2 IP) Right/Right
MRP- #54 David Patton (4-5, 3.54 ERA, 1.38 WHIP, 73.2 IP)* Right/Right
MRP- #84 Neal Cotts (0-2, 4.29 ERA, 1.43 WHIP, 35.2 IP) Left/Left
MRP- #51 Luis Vizcaino (1-2, 5.28 ERA, 1.46 WHIP, 46.0 IP) Right/Right
SU- #47 Aaron Heilman (3-8, 5.21 ERA, 1.59 WHIP, 76.0 IP, 3 Saves) Right/Right
SU-#49 Carlos Marmol (2-4, 2.68 ERA, 0.93 WHIP, 87.1 IP,7 Saves) Right/Right
CL-#63 Kevin Gregg (7-8, 3.41 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 68.2 IP, 29 Saves) Right/Right

The Lineup-
LF- #12 Alfonso Soriano (.280, 29 HR, 75 RBI, .344 OBP, .876 OPS) Right/Right
CF- #1 Kosuke Fukudome (.257, 10 HR, 58 RBI, .359 OBP, .738 OPS) Left/Left
1B- #25 Derrek Lee (.291, 20 HR, 90 RBI, .361 OBP, .823 OPS) Right/Right
RF- #21 Milton Bradley (.321, 22 HR, 77 RBI, .436 OBP, .999 OPS) Switch/Right
3B- #16 Aramis Ramirez (.289, 27 HR, 111 RBI, .380 OBP, .898 OPS) Right/Right
2B- #17 Mike Fontenot (.305, 9 HR, 40 RBI, .395 OBP, .909 OPS) Left/Right
C- #18 Geovany Soto (.285, 23 HR, 86 RBI, .364 OBP, .868 OPS) Right/Right
SS- #2 Ryan Theriot (.307, 1 HR, 38 RBI, .387 OBP, .745 OPS) Right/Right

The Bench-
OF- #4 Joey Gathright (.254, 0 HR, 22 RBI, .311 OBP, .584 OPS) Left/Right
OF- #9 Reed Johnson (.303, 6 HR, 50 RBI, .358 OBP, .778 OPS) Right/Right
1B/OF- #6 Micah Hoffpauir (.342, 2 HR, 8 RBI, .400 OBP, .934 OPS) Left/Left
IF/UTIL-#7 Aaron Miles (.317, 4 HR, 31 RBI, .355 OBP, .753 OPS) Switch/Right
C- #55 Koyie Hill (.095, 0 HR, 1 RBI, .095 OBP, .238 OPS) Switch/Right

*- Minor League Stats

This isn't a Cubs season preview since I gave most of my thoughts on this team when I was busy predicting the entire league, so go read that. This is just me taking a deep breath and getting ready to watch actual professional baseball. The darkest stretch of the sports year ends tomorrow (tonight if you're watching the Braves and the Phillies, which I am). Sure, Jay Cutler spiced the last week up, but for the most part its been f*&king hard to sit there every day, scanning mlbtraderumors.com (even harder once the Peavy trade died), looking at so many spring training box scores that those worthless numbers start to seem real to you, and just waiting. Tomorrow night Zambrano will toe the rubber against Michael Barrett's best friend, Roy Oswalt (speaking of Barrett, he's on the big league club for the Blue Jays. I wish him luck.) and then for the better part of the next 7 months, you'll have the Cubs in what will hopefully be one hell of a season. Last year I gave a big windy speech and posted the James Earl Jones speech from Field of Dreams. Well, my farewell to Kyle done speech'd me out, so instead I'll just put this, and let everyone get their optimism pants on:



Make it happen. Play some f*&king Ball.

All Good Things...

Today is a day of shock and confusion for Start Kyle Orton. As you will undoubtedly have heard by the time you read today's article, the Chicago Bears have acquired Pro-Bowl Quarterback Jay Cutler from the Denver Broncos in exchange for Kyle Orton and a shit ton of draft picks.. I am of two minds about this, two hearts rent asunder. One embraces this brave new world Jerry Angelo has embarked upon, one where he actively attempts to improve this team by going after the best available players (he's also signed two tackles in Kevin Shaffer and Orlando Pace), while the other feels the loss of Kyle as though a family member has passed and gone. Kyle meant a lot of things to a lot of people in his time in Chicago- to Deadspin he was a Deadspin Hall of Famer, forever beloved for the pictures of his drunken debauchery. To the meatheads in 2006, he was "dat guy who went 10-5, Grossman sucks ass!" To Jerry Angelo he was "Please God show them I can evaluate a quarterback." At least he was for a while. In the end, to Jerry, he was "fuck, if I can't grow one of my own I'll take that one with the shiny arm!"

But to me he was one of my favorite college quarterbacks of all time (two of my others: Rex Grossman and Shane Matthews. Christ I can pick 'em), who seemed the most acceptable alternative to me should I ever be broken of my unshakeable faith in Rex Grossman (Newsflash: I was). He was the biggest steal the Bears ever got, I was certain. A sure-fire first rounder whom had landed in the fourth due to a hip pointer and cruel fate. And last of all, much like Rex in the first half of 2006, for the first 7 1/2 games of last year, he was "the savior." That ended of course with his ankle injury against the Lions, and the kid who came back was not the one who had left. There were plenty of reasons to deflect the blame for the Bears late season troubles off of Kyle. The team had a weak offensive line, no certifiable wide receivers, and a defense that played somewhat shy of adequate. These problems all exist, and will no doubt confront Jay Cutler. But I am not stupid.

In all honesty, Jay Cutler is probably as talented as a quarterback gets. Kyle most certainly is not. Cutler has the arm strength and mobility that Kyle will never have. While Jay's maturity is no doubt in question, this was the right move for the Bears. I hope Kyle finds a niche for himself in Denver. I'm sure with Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal catching his passes he'll probably put up great numbers, and hell, if Josh McDaniel's offense could make Matt Cassel look good, I'm sure Kyle will look like Steve Young. I'm not sure what to do about the name of this website, but I'll most likely leave it as it is. It will forever remain an homage to the man with the neckbeard that taught us all to love, and laugh, and live life the way it was meant to be lived. The truth is, Kyle will never truly leave us, for we all have a little Kyle Orton in us. For remember: Kyle will be around in the dark, he'll be there. Wherever you look, wherever there's a bar, so thirsty people can drink, Kyle will be there. Wherever there's a tight end looking for a five yard hitch, Kyle will be there. Kyle will be in the way Bears fans yell when they're gettin' mad. He'll be in the way little kids laugh when the Bears are beating the Packers and Aaron Rodgers get's sacked, and when people are drinkin' the booze they bought and sleepin' in the vomit they produced, Kyle'll be there, too.

It is with this that I submit that Start Kyle Orton become more than a chant to see our hero on gameday, I propose that you all take the phrase "Start Kyle Orton" to heart. Whenever the work day's rough, and you pass the local watering hole, go in, ask for a shot of Jack Daniels and tell the bartender "its time to Start Kyle Orton." Whenever you wake up in the morning and think about shaving that 5 o'clock shadow, remember the Neckbeard, and think, "fuck this, its time to Start Kyle Orton." And the next time, the next time you get your moment in the sun after years of waiting patiently, look up to the sky and say "World, it's time to Start Kyle Orton." Good night, and God bless.





Good Bye, You King of Iowa, You Prince of the Midwest.

SKO Predicts the 2009 Season! Part Two, The National League!

National League East

1. Philadelphia Phillies 93-69
They're the World Series Champs. They're my back-up team, they still have one of the best lineups in baseball, and assuming they get past the whole Cole Hamels arm scare of the last week or so, and Jamie Moyer comes even close to the magical season he put up last year at age 45, they'll be fine in the rotation. I've picked them to win this division every year since 2004. I've been right 40% of the time. I'm going for it again.

2. The Atlanta Braves 89-73
They've put together a solid rotation of innings eaters with their free agent additions of Derek Lowe, Javier Vasquez, and Kenshin Kawakami of Japan. Throw in Jair Jurrjens and his impressive rookie year last year, and anything positive they might get from Tom Glavine, and Atlanta should pitch as well as it usually has. The lineup is lacking severely in power, especially When Larry Wayne Jones spends his usual month on the DL, but they have some nice players like Yuniel Escobar and Brian McCann, and I like Kelly Johnson at second base. I do think its hilarious how far Jeff Francouer has fallen since SI declared him "The Natural" back in '05. He royally sucks now.

3. New York Mets 85-77
Let's see, I nailed the Mets record and position in the standings perfectly last year when everyone was screamin OMG SANTANA OMFG!, so what do I find about the team this year to hate? They've admittedly fixed that awful bullpen by adding K-Rod and JJ Putz, but what about the rest of the team? Johan Santana's still as good as it gets, but Oliver Perez is wildly inconsistent, good thing they gave him $36 million (and they've already complained this spring that he's overweight). John Maine's never impressed me, but Mike Pelfrey has good stuff. They've basically given Livan Hernandez their fifth starter job (and they said Oliver Perez was overweight?). You have to be impressed by a guy who can win 13 games with an ERA over six, like Hernandez did last year. Or you don't. How about the offense? Delgado had a nice year last year, but a lot of people thought he was done before that, and he will turn 38 this year. In the outfield Beltran's still a stud and I still haven't gotten over how badly Hendry botched that situation in 2004, but Ryan Church is nothing to fear, and they've handed the left field job to a kid with a .796 career OPS in the minors, though he did impress in a call-up last year. Who's backing the kid up in case he falters? Fernando Tatis?? Fernando Tatis is still alive? I thought he died after he killed Chan Ho Park's career and exiled him to Texas with two grand slams in one innig. Brian Schneider couldn't hit his way onto the '62 Mets, and he won't help this year's. David Wright's still not as good as Aramis Ramirez on offense or defense, and they're just hoping Luis Castillo dies so they can find a real second baseman. Jose Reyes is only slightly less overrated than New York's other shortstop. To top it all off this team's still in the hands of Jerry Manuel, whose lifeless managing of the White Sox led to the myth that Ozzie Guillen's "fire" somehow inspired them to a World Series. This team will fail again.


4. Washington Nationals 80-82
Last year I bought into the "talent" they had on offense and thought that with an outfield consisting of some combination of Elijah Dukes, Lastings Milledge, Austin Kearns, and Wily Mo Pena, and a healthy Nick Johnson, who was great in '06, or a healthy Dmitri Young, who had a great '07, would, along with their new ballpark, inspire this team to 83 wins. Then literally every player I listed above either got injured, posted numbers below their career averages, or did both, and the team lost 102 games. I also overlooked their strategy of having a 5 man pitching rotation that included 0 good starting pitchers, which, had I noticed it, I would have considered to be a bad idea. But this year I still think Ryan Zimmerman will break out, I still think Elijah Dukes is extremely talented even if he's by all accounts a total f&%kwad, and Lastings Milledge will cash in on at least Some of that talent. They added Adam Dunn and they're smart enough to put him at first, which should lead to him actually Producing more runs than he allows. They added a starting pitcher who isn't a complete and total abomination in Scott Olsen, and John Lannan, their ace, actually had halfway decent numbers given the talent around him. I won't grant them a winning season, but this team could actually Not be a total embarassment to the game of baseball this year.

5. Florida Marlins 77-84
The guy who used to write at this site before he took his own life after realizing that the University and state of Iowa are irrelevant in almost every possible way, is/was terrified of this year's Marlins, based on his irrational fear that since the Marlins more or less held the same fire sale/rebuilding process after their 2003 championship that they did after their 1997 championship, now that 5 seasons have passed this is the year they'll put it all together and win the damn thing again. I'm not buying it, though this team still has a core of talent that could be scary if they had the payroll to make moves in-season. They have a lineup full of high power, low OBP guys like Jorge Cantu ( .327 OBP, 29 homers), Jeremy Hermida (.323, 17), and Cody Ross (.316, 22). They also have one of the game's greatest players in Hanley Ramirez, who sadly signed an extension until 2014, thus putting away my fantasy of him playing short for the Cubs. Dan Uggla's glove may be made of wood, but he can hit, and may end up on the trade block as he's yet to be offered a multi-year deal. Catcher Jeff Baker was impressive in 61 games as a rookie last year, with a .299/5/32/.392/.447 line. The ace of their starting staff, Ricky Nolasco, continues to make us fill with bloodthirsty rage at Jim Hendry and Juan Pierre, their #2, Josh Johnson, is excellent when healthy, which he rarely is, and between Anibal Sanchez, Chris Volstad, and lefty Adam Miller they have great talent in the back of the rotation. Their bullpen is weak outside of closer Matt Lindstrom. There's definite talent here, but I don't expect a third title until they can spend money.

NL Central

1. Chicago Cubs 93-69
It seems to me that the failed pursuit of Jake Peavy seems to have some Cub fans worried that he's somehow "the missing piece" that'll keep this team from winning. I constantly hear comparisons to the 2004 club that failed miserably under expectations, even though those comparisons would have been more applicable to last year's club, which, you know, won 97 games. The playoffs sucked but despite losing Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa (and for the love of God SHUT UP ABOUT IT), this team improved by ditching Marquis and adding a force in the lineup like Milton Bradley. There's some handwringing already over whether Rich Harden will be healthy, and some idiots (I'm looking at you, Paul Sullivan) seem to think Zambrano is a wildcard, but the fact is this rotation is as good it gets around baseball. It may not be the best, but it can stand up there with any of them. Sean Marshall will be an improvement over Marquis, and who knows if settling the ownership question will lead to some talent added over the course of the season. My gut still tells me Derrek Lee can rebound, and that Aramis Ramirez and Soriano still have a few good seasons left in them. Geovany Soto will hit 30 homers, damnit, and this team will score runs in bunches. Plus their division sucks. They will win this thing handily. After that? Who knows.

2. St. Louis Cardinals 85-77
I keep hearing from Cardinals fans and the ledge jumping Cub fans on how the Cards will sneak up on the Cubs this year. I'm not buying it. If Chris Carpenter can stay healthy after his SECOND Tommy John surgery, not to mention the 8 or 9 hundred times he's had ulnar neuritis, and Adam Wainwright bounces back from his injuries last year, AND Kyle Lohse repeats the career highs he put up in every major category last year, AND Todd Wellemeyer also repeats his breakout season, AND Joel Piniero somehow Doesn't suck, they have a chance at having a slightly worse rotation than the Cubs. Their lineup is feared for some reason, despite the fact that Troy Glaus is hurt and none of his replacements have impressed this spring, they can't find a second baseman (and Skip Schumaker has failed at converting), Khalil Greene is just plain bad, Rick Ankiel strikes out too much and is, dare I say, Wildly inconsistent, and Chris Duncan hasn't looked good since 2006. They're nothing to fear.

3. Milwaukee Brewers 82-80
They're counting on Yovani Gallardo to come back from a knee injury and magically become an ace, they seem to think Jeff Suppan's a major league pitcher, Manny Parra's a number three at Best, Dave Bush is...underwhelming, and is that Braden Looper? Oh that's neat. The lineup, as usual, has power but not much else. Fielder and Braun are undeniably frightening, but the rest of the lineup is worthless if the wind's blowing in. Corey Hart (.300), Rickie Weeks (.342), Bill Hall (.293), Jason Kendall (.327), JJ Hardy (.343), and Mike Cameron (.331), as you can see by the OBP's I put behind each, get on base so rarely that you'd think Ed Lynch signed them. They'll score runs in spurts, much like the 2004 Cubs, and they may even seem frightening on the one or two hot streaks they'll have this season, but in the end they'll be lucky to hit .500.

4. Cincinnati Reds 80-82
There is talent here. There really is. But above all else, there stands one man. One man completely incapable of recognizing or properly utilizing that talent. Joey Votto proved last year he was the real deal, and Jay Bruce did nothing in his 108 game stint last year to truly tarnish his reputation as one of the game's best prospect, and one would expect him to improve his .767 OPS from last year. After that, the lineup gets murkier. Edwin Encarnacion "put it all together," last year, and still Barely passed an .800 OPS. The shortstop position will go to Alex Gonzalez if he's healthy, or Jeff Keppinger if he's not, and neither is really that good. They seem to think Ramon Hernandez's .714 OPS counts as an upgrade at catcher, but sadly the Paul Bako/Dave Ross situation they had last year had a .681 OPS and nearly equivalent power numbers. Watching Willy Tavaras and his .308 OBP from last year get 500+ AB's in the leadoff spot will be priceless, and just in case he miraculously falters so badly that Dusty is moved to bench him (it won't happen, imagine every question being answered with "bench him? He's stolen almost 40 bases this year. He makes things happen, dude."), they're assuring everyone that Jerry Hairston is ready to take over. Jerry Hairston. This is the most beautiful job of cherry picking stats ever performed. Take a look at Jerry's line last year- .326/6/36/.384/.487/.871. Now his career averages- .260/7/45/.330/.370/.700. In case you were curious, I put every category in which Jerry posted a career high last year in bold. So guys just consistently put batting averages, OBP's, slugging %'s, and OPS's way above their career numbers up every year, right? Oy. As for the pitching? There's no denying Edinson Volquez's stellar season last year, or the talent of Johnny Cueto, but I think I've done a fairly decent job here of detailing Baker's handling of Volquez, and as for the veterans in the rotation, Aaron Harang(6-17, 4.78 ERA, 1.38 WHIP) and Bronson Arroyo (15-11, 4.77 ERA, 1.44 WHIP) both put up some awful numbers last year, even if Arroyo fluked his way to 15 wins, and Harang especially seemed dead after a stretch in which Dusty used him as a starter twice and for multiple innings out of the bullpen during a five day stretch last summer. As for the "superstar" that Homer Bailey was sure to become, his career numbers (4-8, 6.72 ERA, 1.80 WHIP, and a .316 BAA), seem, well, putrid. I just realized that I've written far more about the Reds than I did the Cubs. Perhaps I should try to hate Dusty just a little less. Or not.

5. Houston Astros 72-90
I'll make up for the Long Long Reds article with a short one. They have one ace in Roy Oswalt and four schmucks of all ages (Wandy Rodriguez, Mike Hampton, Brian Moehler, Russ Ortiz). Their bullpen still has LaTroy Hawkins in it. Their lineup has only three spots that will provide adequate offense this season (left field- Carlos Lee, right field- Hunter Pence, first base- Lance Berkman), and no matter what Cecil Cooper thinks, Pudge Rodriguez will not lead them to a 90 win season.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates 68-94
Whenever I hear people talk about how hard it is to be Cub fan or a Red Sox fan before 2004, and they talk about the years and years of losing, I laugh. I'm 20 fucking years old. Chances are, you aren't old enough to have borne the weight of a century without a championship. Get over it. I will gladly take having been a Cub fan my entire life over being a Pirates fan in that same time period. This year will make for consecutive losing season number #17 for Pittsburgh. Unless you're impressed by the rotation (Paul Maholm, Ian Snell, Zach Duke, Ross Ohlendorf, Jeff Karstens), the veterans (Jack Wilson, Freddy Sanchez, Adam LaRoche), or any of the kids other than Nate McClouth (Brandon Moss, Nyjer Morgan, Andy LaRoche, Ryan Doumit). I'll give you a hint- I'm not. At least they can look forward to the excitement prospect Jose Tabata will bring.

NL West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers 90-72
I'm really getting tired of typing, and I've dragged these things out way too long, so I'm gonna cut these short. Dodgers Pitching- Good, but not great (Kuroda- OK, Wolf- Meh, Billingsley- Excellent, Kershaw- impressivo, 5th starter- Good luck. Bullpen- Awesome.) Lineup- (Russell Martin- Good, James Loney- Slightly above average, Orlando Hudson- overrated, Rafael Furcal- still good, but health is an issue, Casey Blake- Not. That. Good., Manny Ramirez- Awesome., Matt Kemp- Good, Andre Ethier- Very, very good.)

2. San Fransisco Giants 83-79
Pitching- So-So (Lincecum- the balls, Randy Johnson- hangin' in there, Matt Cain- also really, really good, Barry Zito-umm..., Jonathan Sanchez- talented? Bullpen- Oh God, that's a disaster). Lineup (Bengie Molina- Good, but old. Travis Ishikawa- not that good, but young, Kevin Frandsen- not that good, but young, Edgar Renteria- not that good, but old, Pablo Sandoval- maybe good, but young, Fred Lewis- pretty good, and young, Aaron Rowand- okay, but older and overpaid, Randy Winn- good, but really old.)

3. Arizona Diamondbacks 80-82
Pitching- Good (Brandon Webb- the balls, Dan Haren- good, but not ballsy, Doug Davis- CANCER survivor good, Jon Garland- better than Matt Karchner, Max Scherzer- isn't that the Nazi that lost to Joe Lewis? Bullpen- Not too shabby.) Lineup- (Chris Snyder- OK for catcher, Connor Jackson- Mediocre, Felipe Lopez- not good, Stephen Drew- very good, Mark Reynolds- like a white Jose Hernandez, Chad Tracy- good long ago, not anymore, Chris Young- highly, highly overrated, Justin Upton- Not good. Yet.)

4. Colorado Rockies 75-87
Pitching- Bad. (Aaron Cook- halfway decent, Ubaldo Jimenez- Spanish for Kyle Farnsworth, Jason Marquis- haha, hoho, hahaha, Jorge De La Rosa- pass, Greg Smith- who? Bullpen- Also Bad.). Lineup (Chris Iannetta- Really Good, Todd Helton- Really Old, Clint Barmes- Haha Bad, Troy Tulowitzki- Not as good as advertised, Garrett Atkins- he's still good, Brad Hawpe- very good, Ryan Spillborghs- passable, Seth Smith- might be okay?)

5. San Diego Padres 62-100
Jake Peavy- Please be a Cub. Adrian Gonzalez- Really Good. Everything else- Bad. Bad. Bad.

SKO Predicts the 2009 MLB Season!

Last year, around this time, I began previewing the Cubs player by player, one a day, until opening day. I really don't feel like doing that. At all. Read the old ones. Half of them are still here, so, just change the date and forget I ever said Derrek Lee would be the team's most important player in 2008 and that he'd hit 35 homers again. Just forget that. I am, however, going to preview all thirty teams, use the SKORAG (Start Kyle Orton Random Ass Guess) system to project their record, and the standings. I was Highly, HIGHLY successful at this last year, so pay attention, friendo.

Starting alphabetically with the junior circuit-

American League East
1. Boston Red Sox 94-68
Even with the Yankees additions of Sabathia and Burnett, I'd still take their pitching rotation over anyone else's in that division. Beckett, Daisuke, Lester, and Wakefield are a great 1-4, and they need only one of either Brad Penny or John Smoltz to lock up the 5th spot, and both seem healthy this spring. Their lineup is solid, even if Lowell, Oritz, and Varitek are well past their prime, and players like Youkilis, Pedroia, and Jason Bay give them a balanced lineup. Pedroia's overrated because of where he plays and his "grit," but that doesn't mean he's not a damn good baseball player.

2. New York Yankees 90-72
I'm not impressed really, and I personally think I'm giving them too much credit by saying they'll win 90. That rotation's not as impressive as it's cost would imply. Sabathia's a beast, but god only knows what damage Ned Yost may have done to him last year. Burnett's health is always in question, especially after a career high 221 innings ( and an unimpressive 4.07 ERA) last year. Chien-Ming Wang is coming off an injury and was never as good as they claimed he was to begin with. Andy Pettite is old, and Joba Chamberlain, despite ESPN's mancrush, has yet to do...anything in his major league career. Beyond the rotation? They have no outfield to speak off, unless Johnny Damon's .836 OPS last year blew you away (for the record, thats .101 points below the OPS Edmonds had with the Cubs last year). Xavier Nady was lackluster after he got traded last to the Yankees last year, Nick Swisher's bad enough that his attitude couldn't find a place in the White Sox' clubhouse, and they've got something known as a Melky Cabrera in center field. Jorge Posada's old and only played in 51 games last year, no one knows when A-Rod will play again, and neither Robinson Cano or Captain Clutch hit as well as an .800 OPS last year (Cano was actually Worse than Fukudome (.715 vs. .738). Simply put, this team will be a disappointment, and sadly, Joe Girardi will get the blame.

3. Tampa Bay Rays 89-73
I love the Rays. I really do. My gut tells me to put them ahead of the Yankees, so, when the season comes and the win the damn division again, I'll use that as my pathetic excuse. I like their lineup, even if the outfield's a little weak unless BJ Upton can post his 2007 numbers rather than his 2008 numbers, but Carlos Pena, Evan Longoria, and Pat Burrell make a solid middle of the lineup, and Dioner Navarro's a nice player to have behind the plate. They have a better rotation than the Yankees, as Scott Kazmir, James Shields, Matt Garza, and Andy Sonnanstine were a very solid 1-4 last year, and rookie David Price looks like he could end up being better than all four of them.

4. Toronto Blue Jays 75-87
They appear to be in some dire financial trouble, and rumors that Halladay could wind up on the trading block have popped up all winter. They have no one in the rotation after Hallady and Justin Lisch, and their lineup is God Awful, unless you still maintain the illusion that Vernon Wells is a star, or believe that Alexis Rios will become one. Lyle Overbay used to be a nice imitation Mark Grace, but now he's just bad.

5. Baltimore Orioles 70-92
Their rotation drops off completely after Jeremy Guthrie and Japanese import Uehara, their most likely bottom three starters are Danys Baez, a veteran who hasn't started a game since 2002, Adam freakin' Eaton, and our beloved Rich Hill. They let Felix Pie and Ryan Freel compete for the job in left field this spring, and neither won, meaning Ty Wiggington is the most likely starter. Adam Jones is a project in center, Nick Markakis is a stud in right, Aubrey Huff had a nice year last year at first, Luke Scott is their DH for now but seems to be trade bait, and their big free agent additions were Cesar Izturis and Gregg Zaun. Seriously. They have ultra-prospect Matt Wieters waiting to take over for Zaun once they've waited until June and postponed his arbitration clock, but the hole at shortstop's just plain ugly. They swear they're going to add free agents soon, but this team's going to stay at the bottom for a while.

AL Central
1.Cleveland Indians 89-73
Their rotation is weak unless Fausto Carmona proves 2007 wasn't a fluke, but their bullpen is solid, and if Travis Hafner and Victor Martinez wake up and don't suck, they could have a nice lineup with those two, DeRosa, Shin Soo Choo, and the best centerfielder in baseball-Grady Sizemore. This division just sucks.

2. Chicago White Sox 86-76
If Jon Danks and Gavin Floyd repeat their breakout years, and my hope that this is the year Mark Buerhle's arm falls off proves unfounded, they might have a decent rotation, even if they don't get the "rebound" they want from Jose Contreras. I put "rebound" in "" because I'm not sure what he's supposed to rebound to- that one year wonder he had in 2005, or to his career averages, which are all unimpressive. They also think Bartolo Colon's still alive. They deflect concern's about the down years that Konerko and Thome put up last year, and the ages of their big three (Konerko- 33, Thome- 38, Dye-35) by touting their "youth movement" with players like Alexei Ramirez, Josh Fields, Chris Getz, and Brian Anderson, although the overrated Ramirez had just a .317 OBP last year and walked just 18 times, Fields is a career .233/.303/.454 hitter in 125 major league games, Getz's minor league OPS of .742 leaves everything to be desired, and Anderson's .655 OPS in 597 career AB's is just atrocius. I hate this team.

3. Kansas City Royals 84-78
There's some buzz around them as "this year's Rays," but I'm not biting into them that hard. I do like the talent in the rotation with ace Gil(Ga)Meche, Brian Bannister, the awesome curveball of Zack Greinke, and first round pick Luke Hochevar, and they have a lights out closer in Joakim Soria, though their faith in set-up men (and former Cubs) Juan Cruz and Kyle Farnsworth seems highly misplaced. Their line up isn't spectacular, but it has some serious promise in players like Alex Gordon and Mike Aviles, and players like Coco Crisp, Jose Guillen, Alberto Callaspo, David DeJesus, and Mike Jacobs are decent enough to put together a major league offense. They're maybe a star or two away from really making the leap.

4. Minnesota Twins 81-81
Ron Gardenhire managed to drag this team to 88 wins last year, but even with what's most likely the best rotation in the division (definitely the best if Fransisco Liriano is fully recovered from his surgery in '07), I don't see enough in the lineup to get them back there. Joe Mauer is injured again, and outside of him and Morneau there's not much to look at in this lineup. I liked their decision to pick up Joe Crede, but his bat is highly overrated due to "clutch" and that bandbox on the south side. A .500 season seems very likely for this crew, but everyone's been wrong on the Twins before.

5. Detroit Tigers 76-86
Their offseason moves last year had everyone drooling, and both I and Sports Illustrated had them in the World Series. Once the season started, however, it was obvious this team had more holes in it than OJ's defense. The rotation fell apart, the lineup didn't produce anywhere near expected, and they slumped to 74-88. The rotation they're entering this season with is shaky unless Justin Verlander rebounds, Jeremy Bonderman comes back healthy, and they find a fifth starter that isn't Nate Robertson or Dontrelle Willis, both of whom are utterly pathetic at this point. The lineup's weak outside of Magglio Ordonez, Miguel Cabrera, and Curtis Granderson. They're not going anywhere soon.

AL West
1. Oakland A's 91-71
It's a little known fact that I can't stand the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, United States of America, and that I'm a closet A's fan. Billy Beane's moves to acquire Matt Holliday and Jason Giambi tell me he believes the team can contend this year, and by God, I've got my spoon and I will lap. that. shit. up. There's young talent in the rotation with guys like Dana Eveland and Sean Gallagher, and they have a promising young closer in Brad Ziegler. They have a good enough middle of the order in Giambi, Holliday, and Jack Cust to give them a competitive offense in that division. If Billy says they can win it, then they can.

2. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, United States of America 88-74
A lot of people make a big deal out of the 100 games they won last year, but their Pythagorean W-L was just 88-74, meaning they were really f*&king lucky and won some close ball games, as evidenced by the record 62 saves logged by K-Rod last year. Well he's gone, and so are Garrett Anderson and Mark Teixiera. They've added Bobby Abreu and Brian Fuentes, but Abreu is getting older, as is Vladimir Guerrero. They have a pretty solid rotation, but I hate them. Teams that way out-perform their Pythagorean W-L tend to fall back to earth hard, so they'll finish second this year.

3. Texas Rangers 79-83
They'll score runs in that ballpark, Josh Hamilton is great, and they really believe they may have fixed Andruw Jones. Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla are in contract years, and they believe the two will pitch better than they did last year, but even if they don't, the salary they'll clear by letting those two walk will help. They have the top rated farm system in the majors, and for once actually have legitimate starting pitching prospects. They've got some hope for the future, but not this year.

4. Seattle Mariners 66-96
My worst whiff last season was predicting they'd win their division. They lost over 100 games. Then they added Ronny Cedeno.This team just plain sucks. Other than King Felix, there's nothing here worth writing home about, and there doesn't appear to be any real coordinated effort to fix them. If Erik Bedard can rebound, he'll get traded. Don't even bother looking at their lineup. Other than Ken Griffey Jr's farewell tour, there's nothing remotely interesting about them.

Tomorrow- The National League.

The 2nd Annual Matt Stairs Award for Excellence in Mediocrity

Last year we introduced the Matt Stairs Award for Excellence in Mediocrity. This award, honoring perhaps the most beloved example of mediocrity in Cubs history, was determined to find that key player who, while not really being one of the better players on the team, earned a great deal of love from the fans for his general appeal as "just a good guy." The pre-season favorites last year, Reed Johnson and Ryan Theriot, actually took themselves out of the running by passing the .280 mark in batting average, the threshold for mediocrity. Fortunately Jim Edmonds swooped in, and with his picture perfect .256 batting average, 19 home runs, and 49 RBIs matched up well with Matt's own numbers as a Cub (.255, 17, 61) and snagged him the award. (Sure, you may point out that Edmonds .937 OPS as a Cub was anything but mediocre, but f*&k you!). So, with Edmonds hardware in the mail (we swear!), we take a pre-season glance at this years early candidates based on the following qualifications-

Position Players:
1. Must appear in over half of the team's games (81).

2. Batting Average must fall in the .250-.280 range, while home runs cannot exceed 20 and RBIs may not exceed 70, as the Matt himself batted .250 with 17 homers and 61 rbis during his campaign with the Cubs.

Pitchers:
1. Must make at least 20 appearances.

2.ERA must be between 4.00 and 4.99

For Everyone:3. The Cubs record in the player's appearances must be over .500. (Matt in 2001: 71-57)

4. The player cannot have one of the top 10 salaries on the team, as we're not here to reward underachievement by the superstars, but mediocrity by the little guys. (True, Matt himself was #9, but considering that the Cubs payroll was far smaller in those days and Sosa's contract counted for like, 6 of everyone elses, we'll make 10 the bar.)

Last year, Jimbo met every requirement perfectly with a .256 average, 19 homers, 49 RBIs, 85 games played, a 46-39 record and a veteran minimum salary well out of the top ten range. So who qualifies for this years contest? Not counting the non-roster invites who might have an outside shot at making the team, here are this year's candidates (ranked in order of 2008 salaries)-

Kevin Gregg, RHP
Chad Gaudin, RHP
Aaron Miles, 2B-UTIL
Reed Johnson, OF
Aaron Heilman, RHP
Neal Cotts, LHP
Paul Bako, C
Carlos Marmol, RHP
Ryan Theriot, SS
Joey Gathright, OF
Mike Fontenot, 2B
Angel Guzman, RHP
Geovany Soto, C
Kevin Hart, RHP
Micah Hoffpauir, 1B
Koyie Hill, C

Because its my contest, and its completely arbitrary, I'm making Soto and Marmol ineligible for this award, as mediocre seasons from either one of them would be a damnable shame. I will try to be better this season (read: I will try not to disappear from the months of June-August) at posting the standings on at least a semi-regular basis. The above list is obviously not final, as any player, like Edmonds, who is picked up during the season and hits the requirements for appearances will be added to the list. So here's to an exciting 2009 season for all of the mediocre Cubs!

Your SKO Random Third Baseman of the Day: Dave Magadan

Name: David Joseph Magadan
Height: 6'3'' Weight: 200 lb.
Bats: Left Throws: Right

Believe it or not kids, you can buy this autographed Magadan photo for just 12.00 on Ebay!

For years Cubs fans have remembered Mark Grace as a solid OBP, great average, chubby-chasing, Marlboro loving infielder with slightly below average power. He wasn't. Well, he was all of those things, but just about every one of those could also be used to describe Dave Magadan. Actually I don't really know what kind of women Magadan loved, or what tobacco he preferred, but he was a good hitter/on base guy for most of his major league career, but he's living proof that a guy like Mark Grace isn't weak for a corner infielder. A guy like Dave Magadan, with his career .377 slugging percentage, is.

Magadan, the cousin of Lou Piniella, started his career with the Mets in 1986 and started for them until 1992. He hit .328 in 1990 and never posted an OBP below .367 in that stretch. He then bounced around as part time player for the Marlins, Mariners, and Astros before coming to the Cubs in 1996 to be a part of the three headed monster the Cubs had at third base that year, between Magadan, Jose Hernandez, and Leo Gomez. The young Hernandez started the opener, struggled, was replaced by Gomez, who wilted in the second half, leading to 41 starts at the hot corner for Magadan, who naturally posted one of the worst seasons of his career, hitting just .254 (career avg.-.288) with a .360 OBP (career-.390), and a .367 slugging % (career-.377), with just 3 homers and 17 RBIs. One highlight, though, was his .963 fielding % at third base, well above his .951 mark for his career.

After the Cubs finished the season a disappointing 76-86, Magadan and Gomez were both jettisoned to make room for rookie superstar Kevin Orie, and that worked out famously, I believe. Magadan would go on to play five more major league seasons with the A's and Padres before retiring in 2001 at the age of 38. He spent 2003 to 2006 as the hitting coach for the Padres (they sucked) until he was fired. He then was hired as the Red Sox hitting coach in 2007 (they didn't suck), and thus he has proven that hitting coaches don't necessarily matter. At all.

Are Your Parents Brother and Sister?

So the other day while glancing at Cubs.com, which I really only go to for game and injury updates, since the majority of the pieces there are giant heaps of fluff, I realized that they had comment sections on their articles. This intrigued me, as those who know me realize that my most hated fanbases in all of sports range thusly:

1. Packers Fans
2. Red Sox Fans
3. Yankees
4. White Sox Fans
5. Cardinals Fans.
6. The majority of all Cubs fans.

I say this, because as a person whose had to endure so many horrible Cubs teams, I hate that as the team's finally discovered direction and the importance of such things as OBP, OPS, and defense, I'm still constantly having to listen to someone explain why Ryan Theriot is the "MVP" of the Chicago Cubs. It was even less tolerable in 2007 when the kid was hitting .266 with a .326 OBP, but it still annoyed me last year, as I had to sit and listen to numerous fans explain to me why Alfonso Soriano can take his selfish .876 OPS and go fuck himself, while Ryan Theriot "ignites" the team. This despite the fact that in his two years as a Cub, the Cubs record in games in which Soriano plays is 143-101, with a .586 winning %, while their record with Theriot in that same period of time is 163-134, or a .558%. While I hate to use wins as an evaluator of a players talent (because they aren't. At all.), by the Theriot fans own metric, Soriano would appear to be more of a "spark plug." But the point of this article isn't an attack on Theriot, no sir, its my response to the comments on a Cubs.com article entitled "Bradley to DH for Cubs on Wednesday," which addressed Milton's minor quad tweak and the fact that he WOULD BE PLAYING A GAME THAT VERY WEEK. But did that stop our ledge jumping legion of Cub DOOM? Nay good sir..

From intrepid commenter "Jman1978"
"this guy's been here what? a couple weeks? i'm sick of him already..... if he worked for me he'd be fired."

Yeah, fuck that guy! He's gonna, what, call in sick with the flu? Fire his ass. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T WORK EVERY DAY. Bradley should know better than to let Cub fans down by walking out of a spring training game against the Brewers where he would have played at most two or three innings. I'm sick of this guy. Bring back Jeromy Burnitz, he played hard throughout spring training.

But even better DOOM comes from "zyles"
"Ahhh great sign Hendry. 30 million down the drain"

Actually, thanks to language in the contract, if Bradley misses significant time due to injury, its only for 2 years, 20 million, senor! But don't dare to look that up. And lets also assume that he's going to be injured for the entire length of his three year deal, its most certainly not like you're commenting on an article describing how he will be PLAYING BASEBALL THAT VERY WEEK.

Then comes "easyman," who feels the need to hijack the intelligent conversation about Milton Bradley for this diatribe:
"CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY THEY DON'T PENCIL REED JOHNSON INTO ONE OF THE OUTFIELD POSITIONS AND LET THIS GUY DO HIS THING? HE LED THE BLUE JAYS IN HITTING IN 2006 WITH A .318 AVERAGE AND THAT'S A TEAM WITH VERNON WELLS AND CO. THEY KEEP SIGNING THESE 10MIL GUYS, (FLUNK-A -DOMEY) (BAD-LEY) (O.K. HE HAD A GOOD YEAR LAST YEAR). JOHNSON DIDN'T GET ONE AT BAT IN THE PLAY-OFFS AND YOU SAW WHAT FLUNK-A-DOMEY DID. GIVE REED 600 AB'S AND HE WILL PRODUCE. WAKE UP PINELLA. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW A PLAYER AND A WINNER WHEN YOU SEE ONE. GOOD GRIEF!"

I'm frequently mocked in chat programs and shoutboxes for never using my shift key. I think gentlemen like "easyman" are proof positive of the slippery slope that can come from using such a dastardly button. But seriously, Reed deserves to start everday because he hit .318 in 2006, and that was on a team with players like Vernon Wells (.283 career avg.), or Lyle Overbay (.281), or Alexis Rios (.288), and Troy Glaus (.256). How did he manage to out hit all of those .300 hitters?? Also, the closest Reed Johnson's ever come to 600 at bats was in 2004, when he had 537, and he hit .270. With a .320 OBP. And a .380 slugging %. And his career batting average against right handers is .268. BUT HE HAD A HIGHER BATTING AVERAGE THAN "FLUNK-O-DOMEY" AND "BADLEY" HAS ALREADY MISSED A GAME IN MARCH. PLAY THE WINNARS LOU! Badley only had one good year, last year, and that was when he led the American League in OPS. Like its that impressive to lead the entire junior circuit in the most important offensive stat.

But wait, before we get carried away with these idiots, let's not that there are Cub intellectuals, like WrigleyvilleUSA, who seems to think the Spoon River Anthology is applicable here:

"yeah well...i couldn't agree with you more Rockn. people are so quick to judge from their computer chair. i can only hope the unrespectable cubs fans don't wear down bradley's psyche so much that they cause him to snap. OVER and over they used to ask me, While buying the wine or the beer, In Peoria first, and later in Chicago, Denver, Frisco, New York, wherever I lived How I happened to lead the life, And what was the start of it. Well, I told them a silk dress, And a promise of marriage from a rich man-- (It was Lucius Atherton). But that was not really it at all. Suppose a boy steals an apple From the tray at the grocery store, And they all begin to call him a thief, The editor, minister, judge, and all the people-- "A thief," "a thief," "a thief," wherever he goes And he can't get work, and he can't get bread Without stealing it, why the boy will steal. It's the way the people regard the theft of the apple That makes the boy what he is. but i doubt anyone here has the mental capacity to understand that"

I'm not really sure what he's going for here. Is he saying that if everyone accuses Bradley of being injury prone, he'll get injured? STOP HURTING MILTON WITH YOUR WORDS, PEOPLE"

But in case you were mistaken and thought those were wrigleyvilleUSA's own words, he quickly adds:
"hahahaha! oh well. now it looks like the poem i pasted is just me talking....anyway. spoon river anthology - aner clute. just google it."

Just google it, you illiterate fools! I read the Spoon River Anthology my junior year of high school. It doesn't really smack of intellectual superiority, chief. Neither does writing on Cubs.com.

But wait, time to defend the morons! In swoops "NStrublmakkr" with:

"Never insult the most supportive fans in all of sports! If I don't understand " your poetry", it's because it's nonsense. You likely know nothing of baseball and how you found your way to Cubs.com I don't know. I'm not going to google that B.S., it would insult google to do so. Here's a poem for you; the ivy is green, the cubbies wear blue, if I see you in the bleachers, I'll make a fool out of you! Not that you don't do it yourself every day. I'd think you're a whitesox fan but then you wouldn't know poetry or baseball. You sound like a liberal so you must be a Yankees fan or some other team associated with head-in-ass diseased fans! Look out for the cubs this season, they're going to blow everyone away! Learn to type, it reflects on your intelligence. How's that for judgement, there's nothing wrong with it when you are correct. GO CUBBIES!"

Now, I'm a registered Republican. I'm quite far to the right on the political spectrum you could say, but I must not really be as devoted as our friend here, because I didn't make the connection that our poet laureate must be a librul for posting the Spoon River Anthology. But hey, at least this guy wrote his own poem.

The next two pages are just back and forth hurling between these two, as NStrubblmakkr takes the approach of former HJE commenter A-Ram Baller, and starts touting his merits as a "REAL CUBS FAN" at the expense of all others. Look, I'm a die-hard fan, and its a bit insane for a kid my age. At 20 years old, I shouldn't really remember Steve Buechele or Shawn Boskie. But I do. That doesn't make me a better fan than those friends of mine who started watching in 1998, or 2001 or 2003 or even in the last two years. It's the saddest excuse in sports when people deflects someones arguments with "I'm more REAL of a FAN than you." Go read BCB. Yellon wrote an entire book about every Cub player by jersey number. Does that make him a REAL fan? If so, I'll continue to fake it.

Finally peace is made between the two by the ironically named "BleedinCubbyBlue," who pulls a
Jimmy Carter at Camp David and says:
"Gentlemen...may I? Wriglwyville and NS you both seem to be intelligent men, capable of carrying on an intelligent discussion. (but if I must nitpick, it's treading, not tredding. But no big deal) I think you're both past the point of no return on this argument, but since you are both Cubs fans, please shake virtual hands and agree that you've gotten off on the wrong foot. I'm sure in the future you'll both share some good points with each other, as you are both intelligent, passionate Cub fans. I look forward to seeing future posts from you both. - BCB"

I don't know if its just a moron who thinks thats a good name, or if its a regular contributer to the actual BCB, but its pretty representative of Herr Yellon may asking them not to fight, while elevating yourself above them with the self-described nitpick at their grammar.

So in summary, if you want to laugh at the decline of western civilization, read the Cubs.com comments. If you don't want your brain to try and crawl out of your head while trying to comprehend the arguments there, I'd stay away.

Your SKO Random Cubs Third Baseman of the Day: Willie Greene

Not much else going on in Cubs world lately, so its a good day to rant about...

Name: Willie Louis Greene
Height: 5'11'' Weight: 184 lb.
Bats: Left Throws: Right
Years as a Cub: 2000

Get comfortable, Willie

If I ever have the chance to meet Andy MacPhail or Ed Lynch, I'd love to ask them if there are any Nixon-esque tape recordings of their meetings. I'd especially love the one that took place in January of 2000, right before they signed Willie Greene. I imagine it went something like this:

MacPhail: Ed, what's our plan for third base this year?

Lynch:Well, we're going to go with Andrews as the starter.

MacPhail: Well, I know he did well in the stretch he was with us last year, but he did hit .195 as a whole, i think we might need some insurance.

Lynch: That's why I'm going after Willie Greene.

MacPhail: The Willie Greene that hit .204 last year?

Lynch: You're looking at the wrong numbers, Andy. Look at it this way, in his 19 games with us last year, Andrews hit 5 home runs. Over a 162 games, thats 42 homers. Willie hit 12 last year in 81 games, in 162 games, thats 24. So we can anticipate 42-64 homers from the third base position.

MacPhail: Holy Shit. It's like we just signed Mike Schmidt.

Lynch: Exactly. Now you're thinking, Andy. Now you're thinking

What Did happen during the 2000 season to Willie, Shane, and Ed? Total disaster. After Andrew's "hot" started ended with his back injury, Willie took over. For a ludicrous 105 games and 299 at bats, Cub fans were subjected to Willie and his .201/10/37/.289/.365 line, adding up to an atrocious .654 OPS. How horrible is that? In his 2005 season, Neifi Perez had a .681 OPS. So Willie Greene was worse than Neifi Perez. Wrap your head around THAT.

By the time the ashes had settled on the 65-97 debacle of the 2000 season, Lynch, Andrews, and Greene were all either gone or headed out the door. The 2001 season would start with Bill Mueller at third base, and Willie Greene was off to retirement at age 28.

Cubs.com Knows What the People Want to Hear

On Friday, the Chicago Cubs reported to Mesa for Spring Training. While there are many stories around Cubs camp this year from the arrival of Uncle Milton, to the closer competition between Carlos Marmol and Kevin Gregg, to the fact that some people actually think Aaron Miles will start over Mike Fontenot, to Carlos Zambrano rocking this fantastic 'stache:
Cubs.com knows exactly what the people want: Bobby Scales. In an article by Lisa Winston entitled "Batting Around with Bobby Scales," we are treated to a few facts about our own Iowa Cubs superstar. So, without further ado, Cubs.com in italics-

There are many mysteries in this world.

Stonehenge. Bigfoot. Life on Mars.

Carnac the Magnificent says- Name three things likely to be explained or discovered before Rich Hill ever regains control of his pitches.

Why utilityman extraordinaire Bobby Scales hasn't gotten a call-up to the Major Leagues yet.

Damn. Close.

While we'll leave the first few to scientists and historians, let's take this opportunity to address the last one as Scales begins Spring Training as a non-roster invitee to Chicago Cubs camp in Mesa, Ariz.

Heading into his 11th professional season and his second with the Cubs, it's hard to figure what more Scales has to do to get his shot at just a little bit of baseball immortality.

Well, the way stars are dropping left and right to the stigma of steroid abuse, eventually we'll be left with Bobby Scales as a baseball immortal. And I'm just fine with that.

Coming off his best pro season to date, when he batted .320 with 15 home runs and 59 RBIs at Triple-A Iowa, the switch-hitting Scales has a pretty nice package to offer any big league team.

Bam. We've already found the answer to Scales' mysterious lack of a pro debut. Jealous major leaguers refusing to allow Bobby's nice package to steal all the locker room thunder.

Scales can hit. In 10 Minor League seasons, the last five spent at Triple-A, he has a .285 average. He's also started to add a little power with double digits in homers three of the last four years

In Bobby's defense, the organization that drafted him and had him from 1999-2004 was the San Diego Padres, and quite frankly it must have been hard to crack the major league roster for the dynasty they had going at that time.

Scales is versatile. A second baseman when picked by the San Diego Padres in the 14th round of the 1999 First-Year Player Draft out of the University of Michigan, he has since added first base, third base and left and right fields to his resumé. He's also batted everywhere in the lineup, from leadoff to ninth.

He has experience batting from the nine hole? How has Tony LaRussa Not scooped this guy up yet?

And those are just the tangible stats. When you consider his intangibles, the fact that he's spent more than a decade in the Minors without even a cup of coffee in the Majors seems even more baffling.

You can't quantify or statisticize the Heart of Bobby Scales. You can't measure his grit or his hustle. But that's just the racism inherent in baseball when the Ecksteins and Theriots of the world get a shot and Bobby Scales is left in Des Moines or Scranton or Pawtucket. But no, just because your ZORP or your BAAP says Bobby Scales isn't an all time great second baseman like Rickie Weeks or Josh Barfield, he doesn't deserve a shot at the big time.

He is, by anyone's account, a great guy off the field, in the clubhouse and the community, winning his team's Community Player of the Year award several times, including last summer in his first season at Iowa.

He's especially active when it comes to going into the community to work with kids, not surprising since his offseason job is as a substitute teacher at his alma mater, Milton High School in Alpharetta, Ga.

One wonders if the calamity that would befall the community of Des Moines were they to lose the philanthropic activities of Bobby Scales is the reason he's failed to get a crack at the majors.

And he keeps things loose in the clubhouse, where, among other things, he entertains teammates (and some of the higher-ups) with his talent for impressions. During his days with the Padres, he was well-known for his ability to mimic, among others, farm director Tye Waller (now the Oakland As' bench coach), Minor League manager Tony Franklin (now the skipper for the Double-A Trenton Thunder) and Padres legend Tony Gwynn.

He can mimic THE Tye Waller?? AND Tony Franklin of the TRENTON THUNDER? Why the hell haven't we seen the hilarious stylings of BOBBY SCALES on Letterman?

"My wife says that I'm the most perceptive person she's ever seen in terms of noticing people's mannerisms," Scales said. "And you don't want to offend anybody, but they're baseball guys, so they have thick skin."

I'll trust Mrs. Scales' evaluations of impersonating skills every single time. And baseball guys are most certainly known for thick skin.

Scales worked his way through the Padres system and spent all or parts of three seasons at Triple-A Portland before an amicable parting of ways after 2005, when he explored the Minor League free agent waters.

I can only imagine free agent waters as a large pool, with all the major league free agents in the deep end with the hot life guards, and the minor leaguers over in the kiddie pool with water wings on despite the water being only shin deep.

He spent 2006 in the Phillies organization, hitting .291 at Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, and 2007 with the Red Sox, batting .294 at Pawtucket, before signing with the Cubs prior to 2008.

Scales decided to re-sign with the Cubs for 2009 on Christmas Eve while he was on his way to the mall to buy his wife, Monica, one last present.

"Damn I've got to figure out a way to pay these Christmas bills. F&%k it, I can take one more summer in f*%king Des Moines. Who knows, maybe I'll get a chance if Fontenot sprains his mullet."

"I think I walked away from the Phillies after one year and I probably shouldn't have, and I walked away from Boston after one year and I probably shouldn't have, and I didn't want that to happen a third time," he explained. "All three of those organizations treated me like one of their own. At the time, I felt like if they wanted me in the big leagues, they would have called me up. But I realized it's just not that cut and dried."

Team has player at AAA-Team needs player- Team calls up player. Bobby has cracked the code.

Scales realized it had to work both ways, and while it's not necessarily easy to be patient at age 31, it was something he needed to do.

"I realized the only way to become one of 'their guys' is to stay there," he said. "I didn't want to walk into a big league camp clubhouse and have to start all over again for a fourth straight year."

That, and other big league camps might have stiffer competition than Aaron Miles.

Now the part we've all been waiting for, Q&A!

MLB.com: Of what accomplishment, on or off the field, are you proudest?

Bobby Scales: I'm proud of being able to graduate from college while still performing at a high level. I think a lot of athletes take easy classes and don't pursue their education with the same vigor as their athletic endeavors. In my house, if you didn't handle your business in the classroom, there was no baseball.

And after a 10 year minor league career, one can safely say both baseball and that degree are paying off well.

MLB.com: What do you think you'd be doing now if you weren't playing baseball?

BS: Honestly, I don't know. Ideally, if I wasn't playing baseball, hopefully I'd be in a position to be an athletic director at a college or university, or else in marketing with a company. I did an internship in college at Nike and got to see what was behind the "swoosh."

We all know whats behind the swoosh:

MLB.com: Do you have other hobbies or creative outlets aside from baseball?

BS: I'm a golfer. I play golf until I can't stand up straight and then play more after that.

Bobby Scales has many skills. The fact that he can play golf while contorted should be no surprise.

MLB.com: What is the worst job you've ever had?

BS: My wife has her Ph.D. from the University of Georgia and when she was in grad school I worked at the jewelry store at the mall, the one gap in my substitute teaching career. The people I worked with at the store were awesome, but the job was terrible. I had to wear a suit and tie every day and count the jewelry every morning and every night. And if you're off one earring you have to search the whole store up and down. But we did get a discount on our wedding rings.

Bobby Scales can play first, second, third, left, and right. He can bat anywhere from first to ninth, he can teach your children any subject from math to philosophy, and by God, he can tell you that white gold is the Look this year.

MLB.com: Who would play you in the movie of your life?

BS: My wife just asked me that question. She religiously watches "One Tree Hill," so I've gotten into it, too. The main character has written a movie and they're trying to cast everyone. So she looked at me and said, "Who would play you?" If I was older, I'd go with Denzel, but she says Torii Hunter. People say I look like him and also like [White Sox outfielder] DeWayne Wise. And they say my wife looks like a younger Pam Grier.

Don't sell yourself short Bobby. Why let Denzel play You. Is there any doubt Bobby Scales could play himself better than Denzel could play Bobby Scales? Need more convincing? How about this:

(Photoshop courtesy of Morpheus)

I think I've made my point.

MLB.com: If you were commissioner for a day, which one rule would you change?

BS: That the All-Star Game counts for home-field advantage in the World Series. I think that's ridiculous. The team with the best record should have it.

Bobby Scales, unsurprisingly, proves himself superior to Bud Selig once more.

That's all folks. Let's hope we'll be seeing BOBBY SCALES soon.