Prognostication Bukakke, NFL Week 9

San Diego @ Houston
Code Red: At some point , things have to turn around for the Chargers. They have the #1 offense, #1 defense, and the #1 point differential in the NFL. The football Gods aren’t that cruel. Chargers win.

Iggins!: Turnovers and penalties is their problem. The big matchup here is Rivers versus what the Texans call a “pass defense”. I just call it shit. Chargers win.

Chicago @ Buffalo
Iggins!: If Cutler doesn’t bounce back here we can assume he has regressed to last year’s form, and I will start cheering for the Texans and Titans in earnest. But for now ROSE COLORED LENSES BEARS WIN.

Code Red: Mother of God, please don't embarrass us in front of the Canadians. Bears win.

New England @ Cleveland
Code Red: I guess if Cleveland can beat the Saints, anything is possible. I don’t see Brady turning it over 4 times, though, like Breesus did. Patriots win.

Iggins!: The Patriots are infuriatingly consistent. Patriots win.

Code Red: I loathe New England. That said, I would cut off several appendages if the Bears could be run exactly like them.

Arizona @ Minnesota
Iggins!: Guh. What a crappy game. If Tarvaris plays the Vikings will win. As it stands I think Favre will screw the Cards out of a win here. Cardinals win.

Code Red: I'm assuming you meant screw the Vikings out of a win, but damned if I'm going to proofread your shit. The Vikings will win, because Jesus, it would take a lot to lose to Arizona at home.

Miami @ Baltimore
Code Red: Miami has played well on the road, but there’s something about them that I’m just not sure about. Ravens win.

Iggins!: Could be that their passing offense looks good in the stat book, but on the field looks like junk? Or that their run-first offense has a mediocre running game? Ravens win.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Iggins!: It’s time to admit that Tampa is a good team. Unfortunately the Falcons are the best in the NFC. Falcons win.

Code Red: I won't admit that at all. Falcons win.

New Orleans @ Carolina
Code Red: Saints win.

Iggins!: I really hope the Saints win. Saints win.

NY Jets @ Detroit
Iggins!: Stafford upset! Lions win!

Code Red: Umm, no. Jets win.

Kansas City @ Oakland
Code Red: No. Oakland cannot be in contention. I forbid it. Chiefs win.

Iggins!: Ah, a classic football game. Two good defenses versus two great running games. The black hole wins it for Oakland. Raiders win.

NY Giants @ Seattle
Iggins!: The damn Giants started their turnaround early this year. Giants win.

Code Red: That pass rush is not kind to people of the quarterback persuasion. Giants win.

Indianapolis @ Philadelphia
Code Red: Is Vick back? Actually, I don’t even think that would make a difference. Colts win.

Iggins!: Yeah Vick is starting, but Kolb should. Actually it doesn’t matter who starts, either way the Eagles are a better team. Eagles win.

Dallas @ Green Bay
Iggins!: HAHA Dallas. Green Bay wins.

Code Red: LOLCowboys. The only thing funnier than their 1-6 record would be them pulling off the upset here. Not going to happen, though. Green Bay wins.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Code Red: Sigh. Poor Bengals. Never going to be good in back-to-back years. Ever. Steelers win.

Iggins!: The sad thing is the Bengals won’t realize they need a new QB for another 4 years. Steelers win.

The Return of Prognostication Bukakke! (Again)

We're back after two weeks off (one unintended) because Iggins! finally got his ass in gear. The cold reality that faces him, however, is this:

Standings
Code Red:80-44 (44-29 NFL, 35-15 NCAA)
Iggins!: 69-55 (40-34 NFL, 29-21 NCAA)

Yes, that's still an 11 game lead. Anyway, onto this week:

Illinois @ Michigan
Code Red: Illinois’ defense can contain Denard Robinson, and Ron Zook has somehow made Rich Rod his bitch. Get it now, Illinois. Get your bowl eligibility sooner rather than later. Illinois wins.

Iggins!: Michigan is in the middle of the RichRod downward spiral, and Illinois is eerily consistent considering… well, that they’re Illinois. Illinois wins.

Baylor @ Oklahoma State
Iggins!: For first place in the Big 12 South! You know it’s a good year of football when Baylor is 6-2. I’ll take Baylor. Baylor wins.

Code Red: 7-2, actually. Make that 8-2. Baylor wins.

TCU @ Utah
Code Red: Sadly, this game will not affect the BCS Championship at all. That said, TCU will win.

Iggins!: Because I desperately need to make up games, I will take the home team ftw. Utah wins.

Code Red: Desperation. It's such a sweet musk.

Colorado @ Kansas
Iggins!: Wow. Talk about things I don’t care about. Colorado wins.

Code Red: Indeed. I guess I'll take Kansas. They really blow, but the kid needs a bone thrown anyway.

New Mexico State @ Utah State
Code Red: There weren’t 10 great matchups this week, so instead of choosing some gimmes or games between middling teams, I chose to go with two games between really awful teams I know nothing about. I’ll pick the Utah State Aggies here, as they’ll destroy their evil doppelgangers, the NM State Aggies.

Iggins!: This is incredible. Utah State wins.

Northwestern @ Penn State
Iggins!: Penn State isn’t good, they just looked good against Michigan. Northwestern wins.

Code Red: Who Doesn't look good against Michigan's defense? NW wins.

Alabama @ LSU
Code Red: The slide truly begins, Les. Bama wins.

Iggins!: Satan versus the guy who made a deal with Satan? Satan (Alabama) wins.

Arkansas @ South Carolina
Iggins!: So South Carolina is still in the driver’s seat to win their division. Spurrierfail time. Arkansas wins.

Code Red: Shit. I hate to pick against Mallett again, but Arkansas' defense can't stop anyone or anything and is practically non-existent against the run. Big game for Marcus Lattimore. South Carolina wins.

Arizona @ Stanford
Code Red: Stanford has looked unstoppable against everyone who isn’t Oregon. I just don’t think Arizona’s defense can slow them down enough, especially not on the road. Stanford wins.

Iggins!: Arizona at home would win this game, but they are much more vulnerable on the road. Against Harbaugh they don’t have a chance. Stanford wins.

Arizona State @ USC
Iggins!: It would please me to see Kiffykins lose here, but after last week’s shellacking I think they’ll bounce back. USC wins.

Code Red: It wouldn't surprise me to see Kiffin lose this, but Arizona State is just so boring and mediocre. USC wins.

Around the NFL, Week 8

I have to say, I was grateful for the Bears' bye this week. God knows that last loss was eye-gougingly awful, and at this point I'm praying that they can avoid the embarrassment of being Buffalo's first win. Hopefully I'll look back at this statement Monday morning and laugh at myself for contemplating joining the DOOM train, but I'm certainly feeling less optimistic about the future of this team than I was before they established the Cutler to Hall connection. Anywho, onto the scores:

Chiefs 13, Bills 10
Bills fans deserve so much better. (Please Jesus don't let it start this week)

Rams 20, Panthers 10
The Rams are respectable. They need a deep threat for Sam Bradford, as his YPA is the only thing lagging behind in his development right now. Other than that, I think they're definitely on the rise, and that division is still open this year, and certainly next year.

49ers 24, Broncos 16
More embarassing, a 45 point loss to the Raiders or any loss at all to Troy Smith? Who cares, because both are hilarious. It's okay, Josh. At least you have guys who are determined to lose as a team.

Lions 37, Redskins 25
I actually called this. The Redskins are not good. They've been outscored on the season. They've been outgained in every single game. They have the second worst defense, yardage wise, in the NFL. They have a flukey +8 turnover differential and that's the only reason they aren't 0-7. Yes, I'm just venting because Jay Cutler handed them a win last week. God Dammit.

Packers 9, Jets 0
Oh F*&K you, Rico Mirerez. You picked an awesome f*&king week to rear your ugly head again. Eat. A. Dick.

Dolphins 22, Bengals 14
Yes, it's another Bengals loss directly attributable to Carson Palmer's failures as a QB. Sadness.

Jaguars 35, Cowboys 17
Oh man, the Cowboys are awful.

Chargers 33, Titans 25
Tennessee loses every time they seem to have a golden opportunity to gain ground in that division.

Buccaneers 38, Cardinals 35
I had only one thought in my head watching Derek Anderson throw an interception in the red zone despite being in chip shot range for the tying FG: Young. Jake. Plummer.

Patriots 28, Vikings 18
I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, New England. Of all of the painful and hilarious losses the Vikings have suffered this year, you are the only ones who appear to have sent them into complete and total organizational fucktardery. Cutting Randy Moss without informing the owner? Brilliant, Brad Childress. I feel like a barbarian king laughing while Rome burns to the ground.

Raiders 33, Seahawks 3
There's so much in the world that doesn't make sense. Oakland winning 92-17 over the last two weeks is one of them.

Saints 20, Steelers 10
Well played game by the Saints. I think they're gonna be okay.

Colts 30, Texans 17
The Texans actually look worse than last year. They just can't seem to get Schaub and Foster clicking at the same time. Disappointing.

College Football Round Up, Week 9

NC State 28, Florida State 24 and Virginia 24, Miami 19
I'm only addressing these games because the ACC and Big East now suck enough that you may be staring at the very real prospect of an NC State-Syracuse matchup in the Orange Bowl. The horror.

Illinois 44, Purdue 10
Holy shit. Illinois is...good.

Tulsa 28, Notre Dame 27
Hahahaha. Notre Dame sucks.

Iowa 37, Michigan State 6
I had hoped MSU would win this game. I really thought Iowa would win it. I did not expect a raping entirely uncharacteristic of a Ferentz team, as they typically prefer to win games in the turf-grinding, eye-fucking fashion. This was just an ass-whupping of epic proportions. Always a bridesmaid, Sparty. Always a bridesmaid.

Nebraska 31, Mizzou 17
This doesn't surprise me at all. I wish I could fathom how Texas beat Nebraska.

Baylor 30, Texas 22
Baylor is 7-2. Odd.

Stanford 41, Washington 0
Jake Locker, I'll see you in the 3rd round of the draft.

Oregon 53, USC 32
I've never really cared about Oregon one way or the other, but I can't help but stare slack-jawed as they perfect the spread-option like never before.

Not So Fast, Mikey.

You remember Michael Silver, right? Just a few weeks ago he said the following:

"the Vikes have life, because they have Favre – a man impervious to age, pain, scandal, rust or, most of all, inertia"

And then Silver predicted that an invigorated Vikings team would then turn their season around. Of course they didn't, because they suck. Now in this week's article,entitled "Favre, Vikes Firmly Pressed Against the Ropes" Silver totally ignores his previous drooling schlobfest over Favre (one that occurred less than a day after Favre cost the Vikings a win over the Jets with a pick six) and tries to toot his own horn as THE MAN WHO SAW THIS COMING:

"If you’re starting to get the feeling that this is a lost season for a franchise clearly governed by a championship-or-bust mentality in 2010 – and yes, some of us saw this coming – that’s a distinct possibility. "

That link goes to an article this summer where Silver, yes, correctly predicted most of the problems the Vikings have had this year. I said the same things before this season. The difference between Mike Silver and myself is that I didn't completely reverse course and throw on the kneepads for Brett Favre the second he made two good passes against the Jets. If Silver had just stuck with his preseason statements he'd be looking pretty damn smart right now, but you do NOT earn an "I Told You So" just two weeks after penning the most pathetic piece of Favre worship I've seen this season ("Sure, he cost them the game, but he did it WITH MAGIC").

Also, read the following:

"On a day when Favre confounded skeptics in his own organization by starting a record 292nd consecutive game despite being hobbled by a pair of small but debilitating fractures in his left foot – and was surprisingly mobile and effective against a well-equipped opponent – the legendary passer was unable to finish, thanks to Pryor’s perfectly legal hit."

Favre didn't confound any skeptics. I'm a Favre skeptic. I've made it a fucking cottage industry since he started coasting on his own legend and failing miserably and hilariously in the playoffs every year since 1997. You know what I expected him to do last week? Play. The man is never as fucking injured as he claims. He's just not. He's the only player in the NFL who goes out onto the field every week protected by shoulder pads, an offensive line, the media, and the built-in escape pod that is his myriad of exaggerated or non-existent injuries. Ol' Brett throw another goddang interception? GRAB THE ELBOW, BRETT. LET THEM SEE YOUR PAIN. Fumble the ball after a sack? HOBBLE OFF LIKE THAT ANKLE HAS GONE GANGRENOUS. Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber ranted beautifully against this last week, so I won't go into further detail, but the only thing "confounding" about Favre playing last week is the fact that, once again, the media fell for his stupid fucking act. Favre isn't the magical healer he claims to be. He's not Wolverine. Some injuries are incapable of healing as fast as he claims, regardless of what anyone said. The reason Favre moved "surprisingly well" is because his ankle injury wasn't debilitating. Period.

Need something else to piss you off about the Favre injury charade? Check out this quote from last week:

“I’ve always had a knack for healing, I think, quicker than maybe most people,” said Favre, who has started 291 consecutive regular-season games. “And mentally … I know that I’ve been able to play with different types of injuries that most people probably wouldn’t have attempted.”

Bravo, sir. Bravo. This is some excellent solipsistic shit here, people. This man is excellent at self-fulfilling prophecies. Exaggerate your injuries, stress over and over again how much they hurt and how unlikely you are to play, then play. Regardless of how well you play or not you will be praised simply for playing, even though the only reason there was ever a doubt as to whether or not you would even play was because you yourself planted it. The best part? You can then take comfort in and even brag about your ability to play through more made up injuries than any other player in history. Bravo.

God I hate you, Brett Favre. You too, Silver.

Apologies

No, there was no Prognostication Bukakke this week. I'm not one to throw people under the bus, but let's just say that of the two of us that do it, I was not the one who failed to get his picks in on time.

We'll return to our regularly scheduled programming on Monday.

Around the NFL, Week 7

Chiefs 42, Jaguars 20
I'm actually going to be bold here and state that the Chiefs will win the AFC West. I actually don't know if that's a bold statement anymore.

Titans 37, Eagles 19
Sure, there are more embarrassing things than allowing Kerry Collins to lead a 27 point 4th quarter comeback. Damned if I can think of them off the top of my head, though.

Ravens 37, Bills 34
God Dammit. Of course the Bills are approaching not-entirely-incompetent status just as they become the Bears next opponents. It's sad that I can't even count a win over Buffalo as a sure thing.

Browns 30, Saints 17
This score says everything you need to know about the NFC, actually.

Falcons 39, Bengals 32
Every time I give up on Carson Palmer, he has a great game. And yet every time he has a great game, the Bengals lose. You anger me, unknowable Gods of football.

Steelers 23, Dolphins 22
I don't believe there's a giant NFL conspiracy to aid the Steelers. That doesn't mean it doesn't boil my blood whenever they win with the help of iffy officiating. Or without it.

Panthers 23, 49ers 20
Again, I'm still grateful, now that the Fire Lovie hubbub has returned in earnest (and yes, I'll probably hop on board again if this thing's still going south in a few weeks), that no one will be lobbying for Mike f*&king Singletary and his pants-dropping, meathead-pandering methods of "coaching."

Buccaneers 18, Rams 17
Raheem Brock says the Bucs are the best team in the NFL. That's total bullshit, but Josh Freeman is going to be a star.

Seahawks 22, Cardinals 10
Well, at least I won't have to hear about how Max Hall "fumbles like a leader" this week, with him going 4-16 and being benched for the return of Derek Anderson, who did nothing to keep Cardinals fans from pining even for the second coming of a young Jake Plummer.

Patriots 23, Chargers 20
San Diego is not very good.

Raiders 59, Broncos 14
Hahahahaha. Oh God. Hahahahaha. This can't get any less funny. Nothing like a FORTY-FIVE POINT beatdown at home at the hands of your most-bitter rivals (who, mind you, have been the NFL's 2nd worst franchise since 2003) to turn an entire fanbase against you, Josh. I also enjoyed Mark Kiszla, Denver's answer to Rick Morrissey, blaming this loss somehow on Kyle Orton and calling for the inevitable failure of Tim Tebow's career to begin sooner rather than later. Comedy gold, folks, all of it.

Packers 28, Vikings 24
Logic should have dictated that I root for the Vikings in this game, ensuring the Bears sole possession of first place for yet another week, but fuck that. God I enjoy watching Brett Favre fail miserably. It's so fucking delicious. If I could somehow turn the feeling I get watching Brett Favre fail into a liquid that I could distill, then age in a nice oak barrel, then bottle and sell a few years down the road it would become the world's most popular spirit. Also, as much as I think Brad Childress is a pathetic excuse for a man and that he totally deserves this for selling out his soul to get Favre, it was awesome to see him nail Favre in the post-game presser.

Giants 41, Cowboys 35
Wow, the Cowboys are royally, royally boned. It should be fun to watch Jon Kitna lead them to 3-13 in a year where they expected to play for the Superbowl in their own stadium. Oh, and the Giants are really good at murdering quarterbacks. I admire that.

College Football Roundup, Week 8

Oregon 60, UCLA 13
My God, what would happen if Oregon played Texas? Also, as much as my hatred of the BCS would seem to require me to root for Boise State in the title game, just to bring wrath upon the system, I can't say there's a game that would be more entertaining than Oregon-Auburn.

Navy 35, Notre Dame 17
This is just your weekly reminder that Notre Dame blows just as much as it has, regardless of head coach, since the early 90s. When you've won as many bowl games in the last 15 years as Illinois, you, sir, are not a great football program, no matter what you tell yourself and your fanbase.

Virginia Tech 44, Duke 7
Virginia Tech has, as usual, wormed its way back into the rankings after two brutal losses to start the season, and will now undoubtedly go on to win the ACC, just because it's fitting that that conference's champion will have been beaten by James Madison.

Michigan State 35, Northwestern 27
Oh, Northwestern. Every time I think you aren't Northwestern, it turns out that you, in fact, still Northwestern. Funny how that works.

Illinois 43, Indiana 13
The scary thing about this Illinois team is that they've won all of the games I expected them to win and have lost all of the games I expected them to lose. In a year where number one continues to fall and chaos reigns supreme, it should be the scariest sign of the apocalypse that a Ron Zook team is playing consistent and fundamentally sound football.

Iowa State 28, Texas 21
Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Wisconsin 31, Iowa 30
Another disturbing (and yet oh so funny) sign of the College Football Apocalypse: a Kirk Ferentz team has now lost two games thanks to poor offensive line play, shoddy defense, terrible special teams, and appalling clock management.

Nebraska 51, Oklahoma State 41
I just don't f*&king get you, Nebraska.

Auburn 24, LSU 17
Mercifully, LSU's inexplicable winning streak ends. Not with a bang, but with the giant bulk of a Cameron Newton Death Train pummeling them into the ground for 217 yards rushing. Now that Denard Robinson has come back to earth, I'd have to make Newton my Heisman favorite.

Missouri 36, Oklahoma 27
Well, that was somewhat surprising, but not really? The Big 12 blows. Your updated conference ratings:

Obligatory but still probably true: SEC
Surprisingly Revived: Big Ten
Good at Face Value, but Not Fond of Defense: Pac 10
Total Fucking Wastelands: Big 12, Big East, ACC

Baylor 47, Kansas State 42
I'm just putting this here to congratulate Baylor on ensuring their first bowl bid since 1994. Robert Griffin is awesome. If they beat Texas this weekend I will laugh heartily and place the Bears in the slot of Favorite Big 12 Team that Texas Tech vacated by unjustly firing Mike Leach. Fuck you, Texas Tech.

That's all for now, Prognostication Bukakke will be back this week and should be up tomorrow.

Weary

I'm going to begin this screed by stating that Seattle is just as gray and cold as every hack comedian ever joked about it being. I spent five days freezing my ass off and my reward, while sitting in the airport waiting for my flight home, was to watch 3 quarters of that disaster yesterday. By the time I got to my connecting flight in Minneapolis a migraine had begun. I fully intended to do this recap last night, but my first move after getting out of the car was to vomit, swallow some ibuprofen, and slide into bed just after watching Al Michael's prematurely splooge over another AMAZIN FAVRE KUMBACK (ignoring of course his 3 interceptions, which, despite Jay's bad game, I'm still allowed to laugh at because Lord Favreicus now has 14 turnovers and a 68.0 rating, well below the 84.7 Jay's sporting even after yesterday's debacle) before the TD was overruled.

When I woke up this morning I hoped I'd feel better. Physically, I do, since I no longer want to drill a spike into my skull in order to let the pain demons out, but I still have no answers regarding yesterday's game.

Everything I said last week still applies. The Bears still stand in first place. Their two biggest rivals in the division are still sporting as many holes as they are. Aaron Rodgers actually has more interceptions than Jay this year. The Vikings suck. The NFC as a whole is still a fetid lagoon of shit, driven home by the fact that New Orleans can, over the course of three weeks, lose to the Cardinals and Browns thanks to 7 Drew Brees interceptions while pounding the Bucs (who are tied for the NFC South lead in the loss column) by 25 points. The Bears are still, as bad as this game feels, well within the playoff hunt.

Buuuut...Jesus Christ that hurt. Yesterday was the first time since he arrived that I truly felt that Jay Cutler was a liability at quarterback for the Chicago Bears. Now, unlike every mouth-breathing hilljack that likes to view Jay as the cause of all ills in Bears land, I don't think his first multi-interception game since last November really disqualifies him as a legitimate NFL quarterback. But you'd have to be an even more pathetic Jay Cutler apologist than I (and no such beast exists) to lay the blame for yesterday's loss on anyone but #6's shoulders. The Bears defense was not going to allow any points in that second half. It wasn't going to happen. Cutler could have taken a knee on every drive in the second half and won that game. When you lose a game like that, it fucking hurts and those ARE the kinds of games where you have to turn to the quarterback first when assessing the damage. Sorry, Jay. Don't let it happen again. There's more than enough time to dig yourself and your team out of this hole.

As for the rest of the team? Hester and Knox gave me some rather terrifying flashbacks to last year's rookie-like experience for both of them. Troy Aikman wanted to give them the blame for two of those four picks, and while I'd normally jump on the chance to exonerate Jay, it wasn't their fault that Jay threw it to DeAngelo Hall. Both were poor decisions, but they wouldn't have hurt as badly if Hester and Knox had come back and helped Jay out. He didn't give them the greatest chance, but they should have done more.

Matt Forte and Chester Taylor actually ran the ball well once Martz figured out how to move the ball in the short-passing game. I hope this plan of attack carries over. The quick hits killed the pass rush, opened holes for the running game and eventually opened things up for Mike's beloved deep ball. Martz actually called a pretty good game after the first quarter. Jay just can't do what he did. Forte's fumble was inexcusable, however, and I wish I knew why his hands have turned to stone after he was excellent protecting the ball his rookie year.

As for the defense? They're the only reason I'm still somewhat on the positive side of the ledger when assessing this team's playoff chances. They aren't a mirage. Troy Aikman made me LOL yesterday while saying that the Redskins defense wasn't as bad as their numbers because they've played quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers and Tony Romo, then he stated that the Bears' defensive numbers were a mirage because everyone but the Lions and the Panthers have "moved the ball well" against them. Could that be because they played quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers and Tony Romo, Troy? Also, holding the Lions to 168 yards of total offense is no laughable feat anymore. In their other 5 games against opponents who aren't the Bears the Lions have averaged 26.4 PPG and 371 yards of total offense. They're actually really good on that side of the ball, surprising as that may be. This defense absolutely dominated the Redskins yesterday, and it's tragic that their efforts were rewarded in such a way. If the Bears defense continues to allow just 14 PPG (which is what their opponents have scored if you take away the Dez Bryant punt return TD in Dallas and the Hall pick-six yesterday), they're going to be in every game the rest of the way. This offense is capable of moving the ball like they did in the 2nd and 3rd quarter with consistency. If they can find away not to fuck away every god damn opportunity in the red zone they can probably scrape out the 20 or 21 PPG they'll need to make the playoffs in this wasteland of a conference. That's still a big fucking if.

Around the NFL, Week 6

Eagles 31, Falcons 17
I'm not necessarily surprised that the Eagles won this game, but I am surprised at the fact that Atlanta's defense had such a poor performance. That had been their most consistent unit this season. Of course, Atlanta's loss just further drives home the point that the NFC is wide open.

Steelers 28, Browns 10
Roethlisberger had 3 TDs in his return (not that they really count against Cleveland), but I was more impressed with Colt McCoy's rather not-godawful numbers. Despite five sacks the kid completed nearly 70% of his passes for 281 yards and a TD. He had two interceptions, but an 80.5 rating in your first career start is impressive anytime, especially against Pittsburgh.

Dolphins 23, Packers 20
Finally, the Packers fans have shut the hell up. God bless you, Miami.

Giants 28, Lions 20
The Lions lost Shaun Hill to injury, thus forcing them all the way down to their third string QB as they earned loss number 5. Oh, you poor unfortunate franchise.

Saints 31, Bucs 6
There we go.

Rams 20, Chargers 17
My God, the Chargers (and their entire division) suck.

Texans 35, Chiefs 31
I'm sorry, but all I can really take from this game is that Houston's secondary is bad enough to allow Matt Cassel to complete 20 of 29 for 3 TDs. SHAME.

Patriots 23, Ravens 20
While I hate the Patriots more than the Ravens (but make no mistake, I loathe the Ravens), I have to admit that Tom Brady's line after the game that the Ravens "talk alot for beating us once in 9 years" was pretty damn funny, since no one has more of an undeserved sense of accomplishment in the NFL than the Ravens. I still can't figure out why they're considered an "elite" organization in the ranks with the Steelers, Colts, and Patriots when those teams have averaged 10, 11, and 11 wins per year respectively, while all three have made at least two appearances in the Superbowl and have 1 or more Superbowl wins, while the Ravens have missed the playoffs 40% of the time, have averaged 9 wins a season, and have only made it as far as the AFC Championship game Once since they won the Superbowl in 2000. They're certainly in the top ten teams of this decade, but outside of Ray Lewis no one on that team can ever claim to have accomplished something close to what the Patriots have done.

49ers 17, Raiders 9
Both of these teams are really bad. The sad thing is that it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility for either of them to make the playoffs in their divisions (although the 49ers appear to be in more dire straights than the Raiders even with this victory).

Jets 24, Broncos 20
In 22 games under Josh McDaniels, the Broncos are 10-12. That's not too bad until you realize they're 4-12 in their last 16 games. Then it's hilarious.

Vikings 24, Cowboys 21
So the Vikings beat a 1-3 team that committed 11 penalties, threw 2 interceptions, received a questionable PI call, and dropped what would have been another Favre pick-six, and I'm supposed to begin trembling that "this is the week that the comeback began!" I'll believe it when the Vikings can gain more than 188 yards of total offense.

Colts 27, Redskins 24
Indy fumbled 3 times in a desperate attempt to give the Redskins a game that the Colts should have run away with. I find that kind of charity admirable, but they alas, they didn't finish the job.

Titans 30, Jaguars 3
Vince Young got hurt and Kerry Collins managed the Titans (he had just 110 yards passing) to a 27 point win, so I'm going to assume Jeff Fisher will heap all of the credit on Kerry and go home and pray that VY's knee injury is season-ending.

Also, I will be out of town for the rest of the week starting tomorrow, so I'll be taking a few days off, meaning no prognostication bukakke this week. It's not like it would matter, because Iggins! couldn't gain one damn game in a week when I picked both Illinois AND Texas A&M. My lead still stands at 11. Anywho, sorry to disappoint, but I'll be back on Sunday night with my (hopefully positive) commentary on the game against the Redskins. See ya.

Around College Football, Week 7

Michigan State 26, Illinois 6
I have to say that this game was much closer than the final score indicated. If Nathan Scheelhaase had any ability to pass Illinois may have been in line for the upset. Either way, I still like the Illini's chances to make it to a bowl this year since their running game and defense are legit. Oh, and Michigan State may win the Big Ten (starts stocking bomb shelter).

Iowa 38, Michigan 28
This game played out exactly the way I expected it to. You are who I thunk you was, Michigan.

Texas 20, Nebraska 13
Oh what the fuck? God damn you, Nebraska. When you have a chance to sink Texas' season into the abyss you PULL THE GOD DAMN TRIGGER.

Auburn 65, Arkansas 43
Holy shitballs. Did you watch this game? The beloved armcock of Ryan Mallett went down and yet his backup, a young lad also trained in the QB arts by Bobby Petrino (love him or hate him, he knows the passing game), threw for 4 TDs and yet lost the game by 22 points because Auburn is just a relentless juggernaut on offense that will run some combination of the same five plays and you will not stop them because Cam Newton is big and fast and well, that combination is the most effective one in football.

Kentucky 31, South Carolina 28
God dammit. I wanted so badly to pick Kentucky in this game. Absolutely nothing about this surprises me. South Carolina will never allow itself to win an SEC title. Ever. I'm also not surprised that Steve Spurrier decided to take a chance on a fade into the end zone than just moving the ball a few more yards and kicking the FG for overtime. I'm least surprised that Stephen Garcia was intercepted. The more goodwill that kid earns with his 3 TD passes in quarters 1-3, the more he works to fuck it away in quarter 4.

Wisconsin 31, Ohio State 18
Boom. Called it.

Washington 35, Oregon State 34 (2OT)
This game was fun to watch. Jake Locker finally looked like the guy people thought he'd be, as he had 5 TD passes. Oregon State followed the unwritten football rules and went for the 2 PT conversion and the win on the road and came one dropped pass shy of getting it. Tough break, Beavers.

Listen Up, Assholes.

I'm angry. Mostly because the Bears lost, yes, because I am a football fan and whenever my team loses I feel like punting kittens into oncoming traffic. But also because I hate this pantywaist fanbase with every fiber of my being. If the Bears fans I've talked to today are any indication (and I'm assuming they are because wild and over-reaching assumptions are my right as a blogger), people are losing their fucking minds over this loss like it means anything.

So here's what I have to say about the naysayers who cannot sit back and enjoy this f*&king football team:

Platonic ideal football teams don't exist.

The Bears aren't a great team. Hell, by most year's standards they may not even be good at all. But look around. This is a deeply flawed division in a deeply flawed conference in a mostly flawed NFL. I don't know who pissed in the well of excellence this offseason but nobody's too eager to take a drink. The Bears, Falcons, Saints, Eagles, and Giants have the best record in this conference. The Falcons have as many "questionable" wins as the Bears do. The Saints just got their asses handed to them by the Cardinals and (sorry TEC) those guys suck. The Giants are exceptionally fond of playing only half a season every year. The Eagles have an offensive line only marginally better than the Bears. This is a shitty year. The Bears are right there at the top of the least shitty pile.

Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. The Bears are in first place in their division. People keep waiting for the Packers and Vikings to pull their heads outta their asses but the fact of the matter is that Green Bay is a MASH unit that was never as good as they believed themselves to be when they were healthy, and Minnesota has a shitty old quarterback who finally won a game by not throwing the God damn ball. I'm not ruling out the possibility that either of those teams could straighten it out and beat the Bears. I'm not ruling out the possibility that the Bears will fuck this away. But the fact of the matter is that neither of those teams are the sleeping giant that the pathological inferiority complex bred into Chicago fans has people thinking they are.

Here's what we do know: The Bears are 4-2. This is good for a stand-alone claim to first place as well as a tie for the conference lead. Next week they may lose. It's theoretically possible they may win. Until they don't, I'm not panicking. Because I live in the present. People in football want to predict the future and it's stupid. Maybe for the media it makes some sense, because they're supposed to be detached from the teams they cover, but I'm not. I'm attached. I enjoy watching the Chicago Bears play football. Most years they've spoonfed me a rancid puddle of feces and I've been disappointed. Some years they haven't. This year they've won more than they've lost and are in first place. I'm going to enjoy it. Those of you telling me that they aren't going to finish in first place because they don't look like a mythical "contender" can kiss my ass. If your goal is, at the end of the year, to take comfort from a shitty Bears season by showing off that you, Joe Q. Asshole, were smart enough to see through the bullshit and knew they sucked, congratulations. All you've done is prevent yourself from deriving any kind of enjoyment from the sport of football. I pity you.

The Bears have the Redskins next. That's a winnable game. Then they have a bye where they can hopefully get some God damn plan figured out with that awful offensive line. Then they have @Bills, Vikings, @Dolphins, Eagles, @Lions, Patriots, @Vikings, Jets, @ Packers. The only one of those I'd feel comfortable predicting a loss to is the Jets. I wouldn't be shocked if they won that game though, because that's how the NFL works. Good teams lose to less good teams and sometimes even bad teams. Every one of those teams has flaws that the Bears are capable of exploiting. I still think they'll win enough of them to win this division. If they don't, fuck you.

Anyway:

THE GOOD:
-Johnny Knox: Great job, kid.
-Devin Hester: We missed you.

THE BAD:
-The Defense: Sorry guys, for the first time you make it here. Losing Briggs hurts, but you can't let an aging Hasselbeck shred you like that.

-Mike Martz: Well, this is the Bad Martz that I ranted against last year when his hiring was first announced. There's no excuse possibly at all for dropping Cutler back 47 times and only having 14 attempts rushing. None. I'm not foolish enough to think that the great rushing totals they racked up last week could be repeated week in and week out, but there was absolutely no fucking intent whatsoever to make the Seahawks respect the run. Nothing at all to slow down the pass rush that got to Cutler six times. This was atrocious. Cutler was off all day (although his deep ball was certainly there) but that's understandable given that he was coming back from a concussion. What's not understandable is why Martz did nothing to settle him in or work out any kind of sustained drive. Abominable playcalling.

Well, that's where we stand. The Bears are still all alone in first place, call me when they aren't and I'll come up with a new reason to call you all idiots.

Prognostication Bukakke NFL Week 6

San Diego @ St. Louis
Code Red: I'm going to go with San Diego, because that's the safe bet, but I'm not going to bat an eye if they fumble 17 times or give up 3 return TDs and lose.

Iggins!: San Diego has betrayed me over and over this year, but I can’t pick an NFC West team. San Diego wins.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
Iggins!: What the fuck, New Orleans? Do Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush mean that much to you? I hope for your sake you don’t lose here. New Orleans wins.

Code Red: They really, really need to get some kind of run game going. Just enough to give Breesus an opportunity to throw the deep ball again. Saints win, I hope.

Detroit @ New York Giants
Code Red: The Lions will be the best 1-5 team in the league. Giants win.

Iggins!: The Giants are the Oregon State of the NFL. They dig themselves a hole and climb out of it just in time to lose to Oregon at the end of the year. Giants win.

Code Red:...exactly.

Miami @ Green Bay
Iggins!: Matt Flynn is in? Packers suck. Miami wins.

Code Red: Matt Flynn is probably in because Aaron Rodgers is probably out, Clay Matthews is possibly out, and Jermaine Wiggins, Nick Barnett, Morgan Burnett, Al Harris, and Atari Bigby are all definitely out. Oh, Green Bay, I love to watch you burn. Miami wins.

Seattle @ Chicago
Code Red: I really hope that Seattle's rather porous defense will allow Edwin Williams and J'Marcus Webb another week to acclimate themselves to game conditions, and, if this is the week Chris Williams returns, help him ease back into the lineup as well. Cutler's return should revive the passing game, obviously, but I also hope Martz remains more than reluctantly committed to the run. If the Bears can run even half as well as they did against the Panthers teams will begin to call off the dogs on the pass rush. Anyway, Bears win.

Iggins!: Cutler is back… and Seattle has the 31st ranked pass defense in the NFL… I think we may set a record for fewest rushes by a team in a game. Bears win.

Baltimore @ New England
Iggins!: God, do they play this game every year? So fucking boring. I’ll take the home team, but don’t underestimate the loss of Randy Moss. Patriots win.

Code Red: I'll overestimate the loss of Randy Moss and I'll take the Ravens. The Patriots secondary is still shitty enough to be exploited by Joe Flacco.

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
Code Red: I never really liked Colt McCoy at Texas, but I felt genuinely sorry for the kid when he got injured in the title game last year. Not as sorry as I'm going to feel watching the Steelers murder him, though. Pittsburgh wins, and it's going to be very, very ugly.

Iggins!: Mike Wallace fantasy owners rejoice. Steelers win.

Kansas City @ Houston
Iggins!: My darling Texans need to realize that going down by 21 points early means that, even if you have a great running game, the opposition can pass rush the rest of the game. Won’t make a difference here, because KC can’t score! Texans win.

Code Red: The Texans will win here, and lose next week, probably.

Atlanta @ Philadelphia
Code Red: Again, I'm sure the Falcons will get their fifth straight unimpressive win and the media will continue to laud them while damning the Bears for only beating the Seahawks by ten or something. Falcons win.

Iggins!: Shady will CRUSH THEM. Eagles win.

New York Jets @ Denver
Iggins!: This will be the game where everybody realizes Orton is still Orton. Jets win.

Code Red: Give it up, friend. I've wasted enough breath showing why Orton is still Orton. Jets win.

Oakland @ San Francisco
Code Red: Having ranted against Singletary I'll now pick his team to get their first win of the year, because losing this game seems like something Oakland would do. 49ers win, but they still blow.

Iggins!: I wanted to pick the Raiders last week and didn’t. I won’t make the same mistake twice. Raiders win.

Dallas @ Minnesota
Code Red: Two overhyped 1-3 teams with glaring holes everywhere face off to determine who will drop to an inescapable 1-4 hole and who will still suck at 2-3. I think the Cowboys have looked much competent in their 3 losses than the Vikings have, so I'll pick them and bask in the schadenfavre.

Iggins!: The Cowboys have by far looked like a better team, and hopefully Favre’s streak ends because he goes to jail as a sex offender. Now THAT’S schadenfavre. Cowboys win.

Indianapolis @ Washington
Iggins!: This game’s total score will approach 100. Redskins win.

Code Red: I bet the combined score won't even reach 50. Neither team has lit up the scoreboard yet and both have struggled to take the pressure off of their QBs with the run game. Colts win.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville
Code Red: Why is this a Monday Night game? These teams were both mediocre last year. The Titans have hope this year, sure, but..guh. I guess I'll take VY and the Titans, although that always chaps my ass.

Iggins!: Last week I didn’t pick Vince and the gods burned my ass. Never again, VY. Titans win.

Prognostication Bukakke, NCAA Week 7

Last week was my least productive this season, as I went just 5-5 in the NCAA and 8-6 in the NFL, but Iggins! was kind enough to suck even more than that, as his 4-6 and 6-8 week has now graced me with an 11 game lead.

Standings:
Code Red: 66-34 (36-24 NFL, 30-10 NCAA)
Iggins: 55-45 (31-29 NFL, 24-16 NCAA)

Onto this week's picks:

Illinois @ Michigan State
Code Red: Michigan State looks very good this year, and this game is on their home turf, but I have an 11 game lead and we'll see if I can pull one outta my ass for the Illini two weeks in a row. Illini win.

Iggins!: Christ almighty let me win one of these games. Michigan State wins.

Iowa @ Michigan
Iggins!: Michigan is who we thought they were: a shitty team with a great QB. Iowa can handle that even better than MSU did. Iowa wins.

Code Red: I really hate when his unabashed homerism coincides with actual logic. Iowa wins.

Texas @ Nebraska
Code Red: Nebraska is 1) much, much better and 2) out for revenge for that miserable rigged play clock during the Big 12 Championship game last year. Nebraska wins, bloodily.

Iggins!: Nebraska has a very good shot at going unbeaten. Nebraska crushes.

California @ USC
Iggins!: I really want to see Kiffykins fail but Cal just isn’t a good football team, and after two straight losses at the buzzer I think USC wants blood. USC wins.

Code Red: Cal is a mystery. I guess I'll go with USC, since they're still going to lose to Oregon State, Oregon, and Arizona.

Missouri @ Texas A&M
Code Red: I picked this game because Missouri is apparently ranked and because I enjoy any reason to watch the chaos that is a Jerrod Johnson-led offense. I'll roll with J-Rod's madness this week. Texas A&M wins.

Iggins!: I just hate A&M so much. Missouri wins.

South Carolina @ Kentucky
Iggins!: It would be very like South Carolina to lose here, but I’ll ride their bus for now. South Carolina wins.

Code Red: It's true. South Carolina's disposition toward batshit-crazy extends to their football programs as well (both South Carolina and Clemson lose a million games a year that they shouldn't). I just can't pick Kentucky. SC wins.

Baylor @ Colorado
Code Red: This week has some marquee matchups at the top, but man I was really scraping the barrel to get to ten. I'll go with Baylor and Robert Griffin III.

Iggins!: WOW. Baylor vs. Colorado? Jesus. Baylor by 30.

Arkansas @ Auburn
Iggins!: DIE CAM NEWTON DIE. Arkansas wins.

Code Red: I don't get this kid's irrational hatred of Cam Newton. We all know my irrational manlove of Ryan Mallett, but what concerns me here is that Arkansas couldn't stop the run at all against Alabama and Auburn just pounds people into submission. Auburn wins despite a brilliant effort by Mallett.

Ohio State @ Wisconsin
Code Red: Ohio State has now climbed to the top of the polls. I dislike this, so I'll wager on a Wisconsin upset on the Badgers' home turf. Wisconsin wins.

Iggins!: Excellent. Ohio State wins.

Code Red:I'm trying to make this interesting. If I STILL add three games to my lead this week you should probably retire and never make a prediction again.

Oregon State @ Washington
Iggins!: So Washington celebrated beating USC by losing to the second worst team in the Pac 10. OH WAIT, Washington is the second worst team in the Pac 10. Oregon State wins.

Code Red: Oregon State doesn't lose in October. OSU wins.

Woah, Three Years of Mediocrity

There are somethings in life that you just can't forget. Apparently the founding of this site isn't one of them, as I've completely forgotten to mention that this month marks the 3rd year of Start Kyle Orton.

As some of you may know, this site was started on September 30th, 2007. That was the date of Brian F*&king Griese's first career start as a Chicago Bear, and it was a dark, dark time. It was just beginning to sink in at that point that the Bears were not who they thought they were, and little did we imagine that the 2007 season would mark the first of three largely infuriating and disappointing campaigns.

I should probably confess here that this site would have been more appropriately named "Bench Brian Griese" but BBG didn't have the nice ring to it that SKO does. Because, while I've always respected Kyle, to accuse me of thinking Kyle could have ever been the long-term solution for the Bears problem at quarterback would be misleading. Sure, I blustered a bit while Kyle got off to his hot start in 2008, but that bandwagon was always rocky. The one thing that has never changed, however, is my undying hatred of Brian F*&king Griese.

For a while Iggins! and I dabbled in baseball, hockey, and even UFC because Iggins! has fallen prey to our generation's greatest vice. Overtime, however, those topics fell by the wayside as I've streamlined the topics down to football, the one sport that I can pretend to know something about with the greatest sense of false authority. Somewhere along the line people who aren't just the two of us and my dad actually started reading this thing. I can't say how much I appreciate that. I'd like to think that I've gotten slightly better at this as I've gone along, and I really appreciate the feedback I do get. Most of all I hope the Bears can keep winning and I can avoid my usual November/December breakdown and subsequent lack of posts. Either way, thanks for coming along and I'll try to spoonfeed you more vitriolic rants and complete bullshit about the Chicago Bears and football in general.

And f*&k Brian F*&king Griese.

Interesting

Brad Biggs reports that the Bears will put Chris Williams in at left guard and send the struggling Roberto Garza to the bench. Williams played some guard in high school, but it's shocking to see the team give up on his potential as a tackle so early. They appear to be very enamored with J'Marcus Webb's potential. We'll see how this works out. Anything to keep Jay on his feet, I guess.

Around the NFL, Week 5

Tampa Bay 24, Cincinnati 21
Yet another Bengals loss that can be directly attributed to former SKO-Mancrush Carson Palmer and his ragged former-armcock. Oh Carson, I don't care if you're too young to retire, do it now while I can still remember you the way you used to be (sobs hysterically). Oh, and Josh Freeman is still a pretty good young quarterback.

Not like Carson was, though (sobs again).

Detroit 44, St. Louis 6
I did not see this coming at all. I really liked the Rams going into this game. They had a 2008 Falcons vibe about them with Bradford playing non-rookie like and the defense looking pretty not-awful. Well, this happened. I'm happy for the Lions and their fans (except the ones still bitching about the Calvin Johnson no-catch), but the sad thing here is that the Rams may still win their division.

NY Giants 34, Houston 10
Yep, they're still the Texans. I really hope they can somehow get it together and win this division, because I really like the Schaub-Foster-Johnson triumvirate on offense, but Jesus, they just can't ever seem to take the proverbial next step.

Baltimore 31, Denver 17
That's more like it. I'm happy for Kyle and his record-setting numbers, and I'll skip my weekly explanation of why those numbers are hollow (okay okay, just a little bit: he's on pace to throw only 25 TD passes on nearly 700 attempts, because once again this offense is the ultimate example of why yardage=/=points) as long as he continues to put up those great numbers while McDaniels still loses the game.

Atlanta 20, Cleveland 10
Yawn. Also, the Browns have now lost both Jake Delhomme (is that a loss?) and Seneca Wallace to high ankle sprains, meaning Colt McCoy will likely get his first NFL start against Pittsburgh. That poor sonofabitch.

Indianapolis 19, Kansas City 9
I really think Kansas City should give Brodie Croyle a shot at quarterback soon. Matt Cassel is terrible and he is the only thing keeping this team from being a legitimate contender. Okay, Todd Haley doesn't help, but the biggest problem is Cassel.

Jacksonville 36, Buffalo 26
Both of these teams suck.

Washington 16, Green Bay 13
So Al Harris, Atari Bigby, Nick Barnett, Morgan Burnett, Mark Tauscher, Jermaine Wiggins, Clay Matthews, and Aaron Rodgers are now hurt. The funniest part about all of that (and it's funny enough as it is) is that the Packers were still be an underachieving group of crybabies with all of those guys in the lineup. Suck it, Green Bay.

Arizona 30, New Orleans 20
I have no idea how the Cardinals overcame Max Hall's pedestrian, Jake Plummer-like numbers (168 YDS, 0 TDs, 1 INT, 65 rating) to put 30 on the Saints, but I do know that the Saints aren't going to recover from this funk until they get Pierre Thomas back and start running the ball. Also, the fact that the Cardinals are in first place despite being outscored by 50 points this season should make you weep for the state of football out west.

Tennessee 34, Dallas 27
The Cowboys 1-3 start can only be eclipsed in hilarity by the 1-4 start they will hopefully send the Vikings to next week. After that they can go 3-13 for all I care (with a final win against Green Bay, of course).

Oakland 35, San Diego 27
LOLChargers special teams. In their three losses the Chargers have gained nearly twice as much yardage as their opponents (1413-747) and have outscored opponents' offenses 49-35, but they've given lost all three thanks to 3 return TDs that killed them against KC and Seattle and two blocked punts that led to Raiders' scores. That's both sad and funny, because Phillip Rivers is a dickhead and I enjoy watching his herculean efforts go to waste.

Philadelphia 27, San Francisco 24
Mike Singletary is not a good coach, people. I know that that's probably some kind of heresy coming from a Bears fan, and he was certainly an outstanding linebacker, but he's just 13-17 as a head coach and he's just been woefully unimpressive this season. His clock management against the Saints was abominable, his hiring of Jimmy Raye as offensive coordinator is only matched in stupidity by his firing of Jimmy Raye two games into the season, and his handling of Alex Smith is shameful. Watching his little sideline tirade was painful. I don't care how Smith "responded." Smith really wasn't playing that poorly before the bitchfest, and while his two fumbles sucked, I didn't see Singletary tearing into Frank Gore for his two fumbles earlier in the game, or for his piss poor 2.9 yards per attempt. I'm really not an Alex Smith partisan, but the mark of a bad coach is singling out any one player, especially the quarterback, on a team that flat out sucks. Ever since his "I want winners!" rant, Singletary's shown no culpability whatsoever for his team's shortcomings and obviously jettisoned Raye and attacked Smith in order to deflect criticism from himself. Not impressive. /rant ended.

NY Jets 29, Minnesota 20
The Vikings suck. I think I addressed this point well enough last night.

That's enough for now. Look for Prognostication Bukakke tomorrow.

In a Week With Many Contenders, Michael Silver Surprisingly Wins Award for Biggest Favre Dong Chugger

Not that "biggest" and "dong" should be in the same sentence as "Favre" at this point, but my God, can you get more delusional than this screed in which Silver talks about Favre as some kind of mythical hero despite him completing 41% of his passes and committing three costly turnovers in a loss? You know the drill, Silver's in italics.

Brett Favre’s return to the Meadowlands was a resounding flop. He was clearly undone by the NFL’s investigation of the lewd text messages he’s accused of having sent to a former New York Jets employee, not to mention a sore throwing elbow. And that whole Return of 84 thing? Randy Moss was but a whisper, having been completely neutralized by Antonio Cromartie.

So basically he sucked and Randy Moss didn't change that, nor did his presence change the fact that the Vikings have a shitty offensive line (which is apparently a requirement for membership in the NFC North). I like where you're going with this, Mike.

On one of the most hyped Monday nights in recent memory, the Minnesota Vikings had nothing.

That's not true. They have a 1-3 record!

And then, with 2:10 remaining in the third quarter, Favre dropped back, delivered a pass more perfect than a Hawaii sunset and changed everything – everything – about a game, a team and a still flickering dream.

Except it didn't change the fact that the Jets had the lead (which they never relinquished), it didn't change his team's losing record or their place in the standings, and it did absolutely nothing to change their flickering hopes. Because they lost. But let's judge Favre on the one or even all three of his blind luck passes to open receivers whom Rex Ryan inexplicably left in single coverage while nonsensically blitzing on 3rd and 17 or 3rd and 19, not the 20 incomplete passes he had (leaving him at 41.2% for the night).

Favre and the Vikings didn’t finish the job Monday, falling short by a 29-20 score after the Jets’ Dwight Loweryended a potential last-minute comeback drive with an interception for touchdown. Yet even though they are 1-3 and 2½ games behind the Chicago Bears in the NFC North, the Vikes have life, because they have Favre – a man impervious to age, pain, scandal, rust or, most of all, inertia.

Wait. Didn't you just say he was clearly undone by the NFL's investigation? Also, let's fix that "ended a potential last-minute comeback drive with an interception for a touchdown" by adding "that Favre threw. Straight at a defender. On a terrible throw." Because if we're judging Favre and the entire Vikings season on one pass, Mike, I choose that one.

When Favre floated that over-the-shoulder beauty to Moss down the right sideline – which the receiver caught after crossing the end line with Cromartie as close to him as legally possible – a light went on in the dormant purple-and-gold universe, and suddenly the quest to take that last, final step through the Super Bowl threshold was very much alive.

And then it was very much dead when Favre floated that side-armed beauty into the hands of a waiting Jets defender, who took it as far as legally required to score a game-clinching gift-wrapped touchdown.

As Favre jubilantly raced toward the end zone to bear-hug Moss and celebrate the 500th touchdown pass of his career, a thick layer of stress and negativity evaporated, and it was no longer about what was wrong with the team that last year came within a few blades of turf of going into New Orleans and winning the NFC championship game.

It was no longer about that because fucking fellatio artists like yourself decided to make it about all about adding another chapter to the epic saga of Favre-gamesh. The best part about this sentence is that just a few minutes later Favre HANDED THE GAME TO THE JETS ON A PICK SIX and the Vikings were 1-3 and left to wonder what is wrong with them (I've got a quick answer for them: It's the 41 year old bum playing quarterback). Oh also, they came within a few blades of turf and a BRETT FAVRE PICK THAT HANDED THE GAME TO THE SAINTS of winning the NFC championship game.

Now it was Favre, for the love of the game and within the us-against-the-world cocoon of devoted teammates, running around like no 41-year-old man should have a right to and making plays that no one else can, or ever could

No. Fuck you. Nothing Brett Favre does is for the love of the game. NOTHING. That myth died the second he forced his way out of retirement so he could play for the Jets and BY HIS OWN ADMISSION show Ted Thompson he could still play. It should have died again after he forced his release from the Jets so he could take the revenge one step further. It should have died after he claimed his holdout this summer wasn't about money before coming back the second the Vikings gave him a raise. He is the greatest narcissist in an industry that breeds nothing but narcissists. You people are pathetic.

• Looping a ball off his back foot to Percy Harvin on a crossing route that the swift second-year receiver gathered in stride and took to the house.

Yeah, that was blind luck. He threw it off of his back foot, as you note, and Harvin barely gathered it in before racing for the first down and the touchdown because the Jets had called a blitz for no apparent reason and left him wide open. Any quarterback regardless of age could have made that throw. Well, except Todd Collins.

• Putting a sick spin move on Vernon (The Ghost) Gholston to buy time on a two-point conversion attempt.

Which he didn't convert, because he threw an interception.

• Delivering another resplendent TD pass to Harvin, then getting the ball back down two points with just under two minutes remaining and spines tingling all over the football-watching world, with a gleam in his eyes that said, “This is why I’m here.”

And then he THREW A TERRIBLE PASS THAT WAS INTERCEPTED AND RETURNED FOR A CLINCHING TOUCHDOWN. Holy shit, man. "gleam in his eyes"? How did you manage to type this with one hand in your pants? What the f*&k is wrong with you?

No, Favre didn’t pull off the fantastic finish. Realistically, he started too late, and he left himself too little margin for error.

No, Favre didn't pull of the fantastic finish. Realistically, he was mostly terrible all night and completed just 14 of 34 passes. He fumbled twice and threw a game-ending pick six. He left himself too little margin for error and yet still made three crippling errors. He has a 67 quarterback rating this year and 7 interceptions because he's old and terrible, but he made three lucky passes that didn't win his team the game and yet somehow outweigh all of the really, really terrible things he did that directly contributed to his team losing this game.

However, after the way he opened up the stormy New Jersey skies Monday night, don’t bury him or these Vikings until they’re mathematically eliminated. I’m guessing they flew home a rejuvenated, hopeful crew of believers, Moss included, and that beginning Sunday in the Metrodome against the Dallas Cowboys they’ll do everything they can to avoid waiting until late in the third quarter to put opposing defenses on blast.

Right. Don't count the Vikings out of playoff contention until they're out of playoff contention. Also, apparently you didn't see Favre's mopey ass press conference, where he looked like a tired ass old man.

Even if those 17 minutes of magic were the last we’ll ever get from Favre, I’ll be grateful, for they were that good. But I really, really get the feeling that he’s pretty far from done.

I'll be grateful, too, because I thoroughly enjoy watching Brett Favre cost his team games by throwing the ball directly to opposing teams. I really, really get the feeling that it's not the last time he'll fuck his teammates over like that.

College Football Roundup, Week 6

Illinois 33, Penn State 13
That was a total shot in the dark. I had zero faith that Illinois would actually do this, regardless of whether or not I picked them. That was awesome. A bowl actually seems LIKELY at this point (Coach [Redacted] will now lose 6 straight).

Michigan State 34, Michigan 17
This was about what I expected. Michigan just doesn't have the....anything..to pair with Denard Robinson.

California 35, UCLA 7
Nevada curb-stomped Cal by 38 points. UCLA demolished Texas 32-7. The always correct transitive-property of college football thereby dictates that Nevada could beat Texas into the Sun Belt.

Arkansas 24, Texas A&M 17
Arkansas has a disturbing habit of racking up huge point totals in the first half and then puckering up in the second. Against Alabama, that's understandable, but against Jerrod Johnson it's concerning.

South Carolina 35, Alabama 21
Shocking. I wonder how badly Steve Spurrier regrets benching Stephen Garcia against Auburn right now. SC could be undefeated and sitting pretty atop the SEC.

Oregon State 29, Arizona 27
And Oregon State's annual run of midseason excellence begins.

LSU 33, Florida 29
Les Miles...fuck, I don't know.

Florida State 45, Miami 17
Yeah...the ACC blows.

Stanford 37, USC 35
Watching Kiffykins' get his heart torn out on last second field goals in back-to-back weeks makes for damn good television.

That's all for now.

Bears 23, Panthers 6 and A Lot of Ugly In Between

Well, most of that game played out the way I expected. It was excellent to see Matt Forte get going. I had begun to think that it was illegal for a runningback to bounce it outside, but apparently not. Anywho, onto the Good/Bad

THE GOOD:

Matt Forte: Just an absolutely fantastic performance from #22: 166 yards rushing, 22 yards receiving, and 2 TDs. Those are the kinds of numbers we've been expecting for awhile. Hopefully that can carry over against teams that are actually good (although, to be fair, Carolina had been allowing just 112 ypg and a 3.3 average on the ground before this game).

Julius Peppers: I've been a fan of the Peppers signing since day one. I thought it would be hard for a defensive end to justify 91 million dollars, but hey, it ain't my money. So far, however, he's been worth every fucking dime. He's some kind of man-beast.

UrlacherBriggsSamoa: The three headed monster was at it again, with Urlacher turning in an interception, Briggs and Tino each compiling a sack, and all three of them contributing to my raging erection. Please stay healthy, guys.

Izzie Idonijie: Izzie had the kind of production we should expect from the guy benefiting from the attention given to Julius Peppers as he tallied 3 sacks. Beautiful. I sure as hell don't miss Mark Anderson.

The Secondary: Yeah, Clausen is a not-good douche-bazooka, but this was still an impressive performance as they held the Panthers to just 96 yards passing and Tillman added an interception as well. Kudos, boys.

The Bad:

The offensive line (Sorta): They didn't exactly do a stellar job of opening up holes, but it's an accomplishment all by itself that they were able to jam up the middle and give Forte some cutback lanes, something they've sucked at all year. Brilliant move by the coaching staff to get J'Marcus Webb and Edwin Williams some playing time, as they both played pretty well. The pass blocking was still rather sketchy, although Collins should have thrown the ball on 1 of the sacks he took. Improved performance, but not quite there yet.

Jimmy Clausen: I just hate this surly-looking toehead. He reminds me of someone....I can't remember who... but that guy was also an entitled dickhead with little in the way of actual talent and I enjoyed watching both of them get pounded into the turf.

Todd Collins: This is a special moment, Todd. For you have joined: THE PANTHEON OF EPICALLY BAD CHICAGO BEARS QUARTERBACKS.

Roll Call: Concannon, Rakestraw, Carter, Douglass, Huff, Nix, Avellini, Phipps, Evans, Lisch, Tomczak, Willis, Furrer, Mirer, Stenstrom, McNown, Chandler, Burris, Stewart, Quinn, Krenzel, Hutchinson, Griese and....

TODD COLLINS.

Don't thank me, buddy. You earned it with your 6/16, 32 yd, 4 INT performance, and frankly, your 10/27, 68 YD, 0 TD, 5 INT performance in 7 quarters of work truly ranks among the, umm, rankest in the illustrious history of shitty Bears QBs. Your 5.9 (no, that is not a f*&king typo) QB rating will (assuming you never throw another pass as a Bear, and God help me if you do) place you as the LOWEST RATED STARTING QB IN BEARS HISTORY. Move over, Will Furrer (7.3 rating in 1992), you've been dethroned. Holy shit, Todd. Ho. Lee. Shit.

Well, that about does it for now. Good effort by every unit that didn't involve Todd Collins today. They beat up Carolina the way they should have. Let's pray for Cutler's speedy recovery and that Todd finds himself on the waiver wire reaaaaal soon. I'd rather try to steal Josh McCown from the UFL than see Todd in a Bear uniform again.