Morrissey Must Get a Bonus if he Uses the Phrase "Team Cancer" This Season

A little over a month ago, after preseason game three, Brandon Marshall made some pretty straightforward remarks about not being back in top shape and learning a new offense. If you'll recall, the media flocked to it like kids flock to the house that gives out full-size candy bars on Halloween. I'm pretty sure Bernstein actually uploaded a video of himself having a hands-free orgasm at the thought of Brandon Marshall hitting a woman in a nightclub. Because the guy was feeling a little slow after someone stabbed his leg with tiny knives for a few hours.

This week, a lot of reporters asked Brandon Marshall a bunch of variations of one question: How frustrated are you with your production? Because he had two bad games in a row, one of which was pretty much Jay's fault for playing like dogshit until the Lions went to the prevent. Clearly, he must be ready to explode in a fit of rage and murder everyone in the locker room.

Really, it all comes back to the same thing as the first pointless media feeding frenzy: they want him to slip. They want him to give them something to talk about. They've more or less lost Jay now, he's played their game and kept his head down. Even Morrissey can only talk about him shoving a lineman for so long. But this, Rick can talk about. And talk he does. His article is in italics, my responses are regular text.

The Brandon Marshall Saga: Your Media Coverage is Bad, and You Should Feel Bad

Earlier this week, Brandon Marshall made a somewhat unprompted remark about how he's still not feeling 100% after his offseason hip surgery. He said he's still searching for his place in this new offense, and that he feels like he's not where he wants to be, nor is he where the team wants him to be, with his recovery.

Shortly thereafter, he was "given four days off for personal reasons." The news media, not just the Chicago crowd but everyone, immediately lost their shit. That is not a phrase to be thrown around lightly in this context, people were legitimately saying that Brandon was on the verge of relapsing to his old ways. Multiple arrests, assaulting police officers, beating up people in nightclubs... everyone was already boarding the "team cancer" train.

The most heinous offender, at least in my mind, was CBS Chicago's own Dan Bernstein, who pushed out a real pipe-clogger called "Needy Marshall Makes Himself the Story." My initial plan was to fisk that column, as I have so often in the past. But Dan, though the worst of the bunch, is far from the only one who went down that road. And they all deserve every bit of ridicule they receive for this.

The Chicago Sun-Times, the Gift That Keeps on Giving

You know when I said in last week's column that the hack writers would come out firing, I didn't realize that I was going to be handed a twofer by the Intrepid Ricks of the Sun-Times.

Not to be outdone by Telander's vague ramblings and misapplied talents, Morrissey stepped up to the plate to remind us all that you can never be sad if you just don't hope for anything. Don't let the title "MORRISEY: Bears look like an 8-8 team" fool you. This column is not about the Bears. This is about Rick Morrissey's inability to feel joy until at last an intrepid adventurer returns the Casket to its ancient home.

As is our custom, Rick will be in italics.

Rick Morrissey's Second Apparently Weekly Mental Collapse

Let me first take this opportunity to gloat over the fact that I, and not Rick Morrissey, was totally right about the Bears' first-round pick. However, I can do better than that today because Rick apparently is determined to crank out an even stupider column this week. And he just may have succeeded! 

This week's cannon fodder is entitled "Heredity Made Long Easy Choice for Bears." If you couldn't gather from the title what it's about (in which case, thanks for reading, Telander!), Morrissey is boldly claiming that the only thing Emery saw in Kyle Long was his dad's last name. As ever, his disjointed thoughts are in italics. 

I don’t want to minimize the work that Bears general manager Phil Emery and his staff did in preparation for the draft, the hours they put in and their lack of anything resembling a personal life the last year or so. 

“But I’m going to.”

Rick Morrissey's First Annual Pre-Draft Mental Collapse

The draft is upon us! In just a few short hours, young men from around the country will gather in hilarious suits, and together go forth unto their destiny. Rick Morrissey is so excited, and also so, so stupid, about tonight’s events. This is actually a rare insight into Rick’s personality, because he spends the entire article spelling out exactly why and how he wants the Bears to fail for his personal and professional delight. It’s a schizophrenic mess, and I just had to get this out before the draft happened.

As ever, he is in italics.

I don’t normally start these things with the title, but in this case I’m going to because…

Draft Manti Te’o? Bears Should Take Him or Leave Him

Yes. Those are the two things it is possible to do with a player in the draft. Well done, Rick.

F*&king Rick Morrissey. That F*&king F*&k.

You know the drill. Assface is in italics:

Not impressed with Bears

They don't think much of you either, pal.

Several readers chided me Monday for writing about Devin Hester's performance against the Vikings rather than the Bears' overall effort.

I'm sure that was just one of many, many complaints.

They thought I was stubbornly refusing to give the team credit for the victory. There's a very good explanation for that.

You're an insufferable shitbag who chose the Vikings to win, and, as usual, won't own up to the fact that you were wrong? Much like your nearly two-year long smear campaign against Jay Cutler based solely on the fact that you said the Bears shouldn't trade for him?

I was.

Yep.

I'm still having a hard time seeing the Bears as a good football team, especially with the soft-as-a-kitten first-half schedule they recently completed and the here-comes-the-falling-anvil set of games ahead

Right. You should judge them based on games they haven't played yet. Good move!

Maybe it's a genetic thing or maybe I have a chemical imbalance or maybe my eyesight is starting to fail me.

Maybe you're just a cynical douche.

Or maybe I'm right.

This, folks, is Rick Morrissey in a fucking nutshell. In an a week where he should be writing about how he was adamant that the Vikings would win the game, he STILL sits there with a ridiculously undeserved sense of omniscience. "MAYBE I'M RIGHT." Didn't think of that, did you assholes? You'll hear about it if he is. Of course, if he's wrong he'll just write another god damn article saying why the Bears somehow still fail to satisfy his ever-changing and always-retarded standards and his confirmation bias will never, ever allow them to prove him wrong.

When will I be satisfied? When the Bears beat somebody. I don't consider the Vikings to be especially good, not with an aging, battered quarterback and a coach who waddles and quacks like a lame duck.

Mind you, Rick picked that team to beat the Bears Sunday.

And even with all that going against them, I thought they were going to beat the Bears on Sunday. That's where my belief level was and is at.

Because nothing can change your opinion, even when you're proven wrong. That's quality journalism, folks.

I'm looking for quality victories. I know the argument: Any victory is a quality victory in the NFL, especially in the current watered-down version of the league. It's one of those arguments that doesn't have a lot of meat to it, but one that, ultimately, can't be dismissed. Yes, a team's record is the bottom line.

You know what doesn't have a lot of meat to it? Saying a team isn't very good because all they've done is won, but just not in the vaguely unspecified "quality" way you're looking for.

But I also know what a good team looks like. A good team beats up on the Lions. A good team destroys the Bills. A good team doesn't lose to the Seahawks at home.

Exactly. A good team beats up the Lions (lost by 2 to the Packers, 3 to Eagles, 3 to the Jets, 8 to the Giants). A good team destroys the Bills (lost by 8 to the Patriots, lost by 3 in overtime to the Ravens). Hey, how about I further demolish this theory? A good team doesn't lose by 20 to the Browns. A good team doesn't get upset by the Cowboys at home. A good team doesn't lose at home to the Redskins. A good team doesn't lose to the Cardinals and Browns. Either there are no good teams in the entire fucking NFL, or Rick Morrissey is the biggest fucking moron to ever pick up a god damn pen.

The six teams the Bears have beaten have a combined record of 15-39. The three teams they've lost to have a combined record of 15-11.

That says a lot more to me than their 6-3 record.

Again. Welcome to the god damn NFL. You can only play the teams you're scheduled to play. If they suck, you should beat them. If you do, that's how you...make the playoffs and stuff. Only 12 teams in the NFL will make the playoffs. Let's assume I'm looking at a playoff team. That means they can only face 11 possible playoff teams in the entire season. Now, lets assume that the NFC North will only have one playoff team. That makes 10 possible playoff opponents the Bears could face. Except three of those will be in AFC divisions the Bears don't play. So that's 7 possible playoff opponents. Then again, chances are at least one or two of them will be in the NFC divisions that the Bears aren't scheduled to play this year, so that makes 5 possible games out of 16 against potential playoff teams. That means that EVERY TEAM THAT MAKES THE PLAYOFFS GOT THE MAJORITY OF ITS WINS FROM BEATING MEDIOCRE OR BAD TEAMS. So judging them solely based on their schedule would be...stupid.

Ask yourself what the ultimate goal is. If it's going to the Super Bowl, this team isn't a contender. If it's taking advantage of a league filled with average teams, then enjoy yourself. There's not a whole lot of excellence among the Bears, but there is opportunism.

Ahh. Back to the Platonic Ideal Super Bowl Team. Only TEAMS THAT LOOK ELITE TO RICK MORRISEY'S UNQUANTIFIABLE STANDARDS CAN MAKE THE SUPERBOWL. Which is why, I'm sure, Rick had the 2008 Cardinals and the 2007 Giants going to the dance. Or maybe it doesn't matter, because anyone that makes it to the playoffs has a shot at winning or making the god damn Superbowl. But sorry that I'll hope for a playoff spot and then god knows what rather than act like a pissy little ingrate because the Bears don't look like a fucking behemoth in November. I WANT GREATNESS. If I set the bar so high it can never be satisfied, then I'll always be right when I say they aren't great!

As usual, I'm ranting and most of Rick's shit is too dumb to even fisk so I'll skip down:

The Bears have no running game and a below-average passing game. On defense, they're excellent against the run but average against the pass. What says ''playoffs'' about that? Answer: a league that grows garden-variety teams.

Right. Its not like the Colts made the Superbowl last year with the 32nd ranked rushing offense in the NFL. Oh wait. That happened. But they're below average in the passing game, which is why Jay Cutler is averaging 3 fewer passing yards per game than Tom Brady. And why he's in the top half of the league in touchdown passes, yardage, and yards per attempt despite missing a game and a half with a concussion. On defense they have the 2nd best scoring defense in the NFL. They're 2nd against the run. They're 4th in total yardage allowed. They're 17th in passing yards, yes, but have allowed the fewest passing TDs in the NFL. They also have the most interceptions of any defense in the NFL. How the fuck is first in the NFL in passing TDS allowed and first in interceptions "average", Rick? Seriously. How fucking stupid are you?

If you've been reading me the last few years, then you know I've been on a crusade to get the McCaskeys to clean house at Halas Hall.

As the Bears collect victories, I fear that the number of people who agree with me is dwindling. There's no doubt we're being quieted as they continue to win. The team is in first place, so what else is there left to say?

You know why the number of people who agree with you is dwindling? BECAUSE IF THEY WIN GAMES THAT IS THE WHOLE GOD DAMN POINT OF THE SPORT. Why in God's name do Bears fans and media members want Smith and Co. fired if they win? Why? I hate when people say "I hope they lose out so so and so will get fired." Guess what. If they lose out, that'll happen anyway. They don't need your fucking help. If they win out? Well shit, maybe the guys in place are good enough. The most important thing is that NOTHING YOU DO AFFECTS THIS TEAM and that the dumbest possible fucking thing you can do is root against a team winning so that they can fire somebody and get someone in there whom you, presumably, want to win. Maybe cut out the middle man and just win?

I could end up being wrong. I could end up as a chapter titled ''Told You So'' in Lovie Smith's autobiography, if he ever writes one. I could be forced to watch the Bears' victory parade on Michigan Avenue.

But I don't think I will.

"And even if I am, I'll never admit it. I'll just rant that they didn't win the Superbowl by enough points, or that they faced an overrated team. Or I'll say any god damn thing other than "I was wrong.""

Eat shit, Rick Morrissey.

Once More Unto the Breach: Me and Rick Morrissey

Y'all know the score: Morrissey's a dumbass and I'm not going to take it. He's in italics.

Don't let a stupid NFL rule cloud your judgment about how the Bears played Sunday.

Exactly. The Bears dominated the Lions by 300 yards and were it not for 3 fumbles, which is a flukey total by any measure, this game wouldn't have been close. The defense played exteremely well. It was a fine, fine performance outside of the turnovers. Good observation, Rick.

Don't let the controversy over the way the game ended take away from the fact that they were scary bad for long stretches at Soldier Field.

Oh. Never mind. What were those long stretches, by the way? The 6 total seconds it took to fumble three times? It certainly wasn't the 35 minutes that they controlled the clock, or the time they spent racking up a 21-13 edge in first downs while racking up 463 yards of offense for the first time in 13 years.

Before you get mired in the legalese surrounding Calvin Johnson's touchdown-that-wasn't, remember whom the Bears were playing. The lowly Lions.

This is a fair criticism, I'd think. And it is worth cautioning people against overreacting, but even in last year's sweep of the Lions the Bears allowed Detroit to rack up over 300+ yards and 24 points, and the Bears offense had just 276 yards in the first game against the Lions last year. So it was still a much improved performance from last year and Morrissey is still an awful human being. It's science.

And remember who was playing quarterback for Detroit at the end of the game. Shaun Hill, not Matthew Stafford.

Exactly. The Lions would have torched the Bears in the second half if Stafford had played, since he racked up a whopping 83 yards passing in the first half to Hill's meager 89 yards passing in the second half.

''An ugly win,'' Bears defensive tackle Tommie Harris called his team's 19-14 victory. He'll probably get spanked for his honesty when he reports back to the gulag in Lake Forest, but he was right.

Did he just compare playing for Lovie Smith, the coach criticized more times than I count for being weak and a terrible disciplinarian, to being held in a Soviet gulag?

You want ugly?

The Bears couldn't score in a four-down series from inside Detroit's 1-yard line.

True. That sucked and it featured some very poor calls, including a decision not to sneak. But did you miss the part where the defense forced a punt and the team scored the game winning TD on the very next drive?

They lost three fumbles.

Which is almost double the per game average they've had over the last six years. But that's totally not a fluke at all. We can clearly expect that kind of performance every week resulting in 48 fumbles, which would be only 8 away from an NFL record. Clearly that is what is going to happen and this outweighs the Bears' statistical dominance in every other category.

Devin Aromashodu dropped a wide-open touchdown pass on the Bears' first series.

Certainly a dropped pass on the first offensive series of the year is a harbinger of doom.

There were dumb penalties and dumb coaching decisions.

I'm going to quote the always awesome Pat Kirwan of NFL.com regarding the Bears awful penalties:

"I always look at Week 1 penalties for an indication of what the officials are looking to call differently from last year. They like to call it "a point of emphasis," which means they will call those particular infractions more this year.

In Week 1, their point of emphasis was on holding penalties. Officials called 37 of them, compared to the Week 1 average of 20.6 from 2007-'09 (see chart)."

Oh, so maybe it was just week one. In fact, the two penalties that really cost the Bears, holding and roughing the passer, were both called more frequently this week than they were called on average last year, because both were points of emphasis all offseason long. Tough break, Rick. As for the dumb coaching decisions? Well, yeah. But Rick's argument is that they can't beat the Cowboys if they play like they did against the Lions, and I just don't see how, if dumb coaching decisions is the decider, Lovie's gaffe on 4th down somehow tops Wade Phillips decision to go for it with the 3 seconds left in the first half.

A question for Bears coach Lovie Smith: Now that the glorified practices are over, when do the real games start?

You're a member of the media, with access to an NFL head coach I would kill for, and you want to ask him for a copy of the schedule? I found one here, Rick.

It was Smith who referred to the final preseason game as a ''glorified practice,'' but on Sunday, the Bears looked like a team of strangers meeting for the first time.

Strangers who got together and racked up the most yards on offense of any team in the league, while giving up the second fewest.

That the Lions were even in a position to score in the final 87 seconds tells you all you need to know about this game. Poetic justice called for Hill's pass into the right corner of the end zone to result in a touchdown.

That's not even remotely true. That doesn't say "the Bears absolutely dominated the Lions in every category but failed to capitalize because of a bunch of stupid turnovers, and thus the Lions had a chance because that's how upsets happen, even though this one didn't." And poetic justice would actually call for the team that actually picked up more than 1 first down in the first 28 minutes of the second half to win the game.

But rule book justice, misguided as it is, yanked a victory away from the Lions and handed it to the Bears.

On a play that will be replayed hundreds of times this week, the Lions were at the Bears' 25-yard-line with 31 seconds left in the game. Hill dropped back and lofted a jump-ball pass. Johnson leaped over Bears cornerback Zack Bowman, made the catch, took two steps, fell and then lost control of the ball. Touchdown, right? Two feet down in the end zone, correct?

No. The rule states that a receiver has to maintain possession of the ball all the way to the ground. Even though Johnson landed on his butt while holding the ball, he lost the ball afterward. Incomplete pass.

Insanity.

Insanity! This madness has never happened before! Except when the cruel hand of poetic legal officiating justice or cruel Lady Fortune called back a game winning touchdown for the Bears against the Lions on the exact same call six years ago.

The problem isn't with the interpretation of the rule. The problem is with the rule itself, an officious, nit-picky decree that wiped out an amazingly athletic play. The letter of the law gets an ''F.''

He is Rick Morrissey. And he is the Law.

Everybody knows it, even Bears players.

They know it because it happened to them, too. I somehow doubt a smug Detroit sportswriter wrote about the injustice of the Bears losing that game in 2004, though.

''That's a crazy rule,'' safety Danieal Manning said.

An athlete understands what a great play is, and Bowman knew he had been beaten by an exceptional effort. But he wasn't complaining about the rule afterward.

''I thought it was a touchdown,'' he said. ''Then the one ref was like, 'Nah, it's not a touchdown. He dropped it.' And I was like, 'Sweet!' ''

And Rick was like, "Word, brah."

By the time Smith met with the media after the game, he was a law-and-order guy from way back. A rule's a rule, he said. And after that, he said what he always says: A victory is a victory.

Of all of Lovie's retarded Lovie-isms, that one's the one that's actually true.

''I think we won the game,'' said quarterback Jay Cutler, tiring of questions about the team's lackluster start.

No, he was probably just tired of taking questions from the guy who spent all of the 2009 offseason calling him an overrated crybaby and a disgrace after the Green Bay game before he shredded any semblance of journalistic integrity by calling Cutler "the next Tom Brady" after three good games. Wait, wasn't that you?

There might not be style points in the NFL, but there is carryover. If the Bears think they can play this way in Dallas next Sunday and against Green Bay in Week 3 and win, somebody needs to confiscate the team bong.

Jesus Christ. There's so much wrong with this it hurts. Rick acts like none of the Bears have said that they need to improve over their performance this week, and yet all of them have. Thanks for the f*%king revelation, Rick. And no, there is no carryover in the NFL. That's why teams sometimes lose the week after winning. That's why some teams can score 45 points one week and 13 the next. That's why it's the god damn NFL. There's nothing even resembling carryover, other than "hey, teams that are good will tend to be good from game to game, because they're good, while teams that are bad will be bad."

This article is somehow still going on, so I'm just going to skip to the end, but just know you're missing Rick saying that there "was some good stuff" like Cutler and the offense performing really well and the defense performing well except for when they were performing really badly, or something, and that none of it counts because they were like playing the Lions and stuff. Onto:

The final indictment of the Bears came in the last 87 seconds, when they allowed the Lions to march downfield, setting up Johnson's fateful play in the end zone.

Except it wasn't fateful at all, because they didn't score.

Stare at the rule book all you want, but it doesn't tell the story of the Bears' performance.

What about the stat book? What about the standings? Which book should I read, Rick? Anything but the ones that contradict your hare-brained narrative of an awful, awful Bears team?

It's been too long, Rick. You're just too much fun.

Guest Article: Rick Morrissey Continues To Wander Off On His Path To Total Idiocy‏

Today, SKO readers, we have a very special guest, Mike D. of Hire Jim Essian!, everyone's favorite Cubs blog. Mike, who is well aware of our campaign against the incompetence of Rick Morrissey, wished to share his wonderful fisk-job of Morrissey's latest steaming pile of crap. So without further ado, here's Mike (with Morrisey in Italics):

It's like I always say: If you want to know what's wrong with your local NFL team, ask an ophthalmologist.

Huh?

Wait a second, that's not what I always say. What I always say is, if you want to know what's wrong with sports these days, pay attention to the pushy parents behind the athletes.


What? Rick Morrissey always says that? What kind of people willingly hang out with this guy, what with his always assuming sports are riddled with wrongness, and that the problem can be whittled down to one overly trite example? Frankly, I’d rather explore the ophthalmologist angle.

Figuring out what possessed Dan Grossman, ophthalmologist and father of former Bear Rex Grossman, to rip the Bears isn't too hard.

No. No, Rick, it’s not too hard. Not too hard at all. One merely needs to flip the page to yesterday when your dying industry’s Irv Kupcinet stand-in Fred Mitchell took a break from interviewing old and dead athletes to give Dan Grossman a chance to vent at what he perceived to be a raw deal for his son while leading the Bears to only their second Super Bowl in team history.

He's another father fighting his kid's battles.

Or maybe the fact that Fred Mitchell called Dan, and not his son Rex, meant Mr. Grossman had no choice, you talentless, couldn’t-spell-analogy-if-he-were-spotted the “a-n-a-l-o-g” buffoon.

Many of us have an inner voice reminding us of the importance of letting our kids learn their own lessons.

Rick misspelled “Many”—he meant “some”—and instead of writing “the importance of letting our kids learn their own lessons” he clearly intended to write “how ridiculously fortuitous our lot in lot has been, to where we find ourselves writing a daily sports column for a major metropolitan newspaper in spite of the fact that we are terrible at writing and have no feel for sports, but we manage to drown out these inner voices with gallons of grain alcohol.” This would, of course, qualify as a major non sequiter, which is why I know it’s right for a Morrissey column.

But more than a few parents have no such voice,

So sad. Who will speak for these souls?

no such filter, no such clue.

You’re really pulling at my heartstrings, you melodious, prosaic bastard.

They're the ones calling college campuses to complain about their 20-year-old's grade in 19th Century French History.

Did I say non-sequiter earlier? I thought we were talking about Rex Grossman, NFL quarterback who attended college at—wait for it—Florida. Is Morrissey drawing some ersatz analogy between Napolean Bonaparte and Steve Spurrier?

They're the ones typing their kids' resumes. They're the ones calling their adult children three times a day.

They’re the ones who came to America, persecuted for their beliefs back home, beliefs which sprung from a lifestyle unavoidably intertwined with their industry--the harvesting and distribution of straw. These “strawmen” as they came to be known in Europe—they are the ones who are ruining sports.

I really need to stop using the word "children." Rex Grossman is 29.

Exactly. So now you realize how off you were in the first place, right?

Twenty-nine!

Whoa. No need to shout, Mr. Righteous Indignation.

Let me see if I have this straight. Fred Mitchell puts down his pudding and rings up Dan Grossman for god-only-knows-what-reason. Maybe Fred needed a new pair of trifocals and in some hilarious madcap sequence, wound up talking to an eye doctor from southern Indiana.

Grossman, now that his son is no longer playing for a team whose media and fanbase wouldn’t know a good quarterback if one pegged them in the gonads with a spiral, speaks out. Bear in mind, Rex Grossman is gone, hasn’t played here in about a year. We have a very good quarterback now (although Rick, in several earlier demonstrations that he really should have a restraining order issued to him from topics revolving around the quarterback position, may still not have grasped this). This is only a story if, upon hanging up the phone, Dan Grossman drives the 350 miles to Chicago and strangles Fred Mitchell to death for bothering him with this inanity.

So, having properly baited the guy, the Tribune comes out FULL FORCE with this article and also have their entire staff pile on with their thoughts.

Piling on the father. Of a quarterback. Who no longer plays for this team.

And who’s leading the charge? Sir Whiffsalot, of course.

If I were Rex Grossman, I would be looking for a hole to crawl in from the embarrassment my father has caused me.

Instead you’re Rick Morrissey and you should be looking for a hole to crawl in from the embarrassment that YOU have caused YOUR father.

I would be trying to understand why I still have my dad speaking for me in the pages of the Tribune,

Yes, I’m sure that’s how it happened, you revisionist buttwipe. I’m sure Fred Mitchell REALLY called Rex first, and Rex told him, “You need to talk to my dad.”

especially when I don't recall asking him to do so.

So a father needs permission from his TWENTY NINE year old son to spout off on something’s that bothering him. He’s not allowed to express that now?

Seriously, I don’t known if Rick is a father or not. But if he is, I wonder how he would react if A) his kid was all grown up (but hopefully, for the kid’s sake, without Rick’s 3 foot schlong for a nose), and B) working in a profession where (s)he was visible to the masses, while C) talentless, smart-ass mopes like Rick Morrissey, whose only skill was in gravitating to the lowest common denominator, were D) taking potshots at his kid... that he wouldn’t feel it his right--WHEN ASKED—to express the frustration HE had felt, as a parent, about the whole situation? I’m not related to Rex Grossman, and but whenever anyone ASKS me about his time in Chicago, I’ll always say he was treated unfairly. That’s simply my opinion. Why can’t the guy’s dad have his? He’s the guy’s fucking father, for crying out loud.

And I would be wondering how tone-deaf a parent has to be to think that firing on his son's former team is a good idea.

I would think not firing on the team while his son was on the team showed restraint. What’s the harm in a player’s dad firing on said team once his kid’s not only gone, but in a different conference, for a team against whom the Bears will not play again until 2012?

Dan Grossman would like everyone to know that the Bears can't develop quarterbacks and that his son got jobbed.

Well I’d say he’s right and, if I’m not mistaken, you have generally agreed with that first part, Rick.

If you were a Houston Texans teammate of Rex Grossman's, what would you be thinking about him today?

I dunno. Maybe “Hey check out that mouthbreather whose backing up Matt Schaub. I played against him in the SEC. He’s sometimes pretty good and sometimes pretty shitty. Good thing he’s our backup.”

That he sure has a supportive dad?

Of course, Rick. Many pro football player immediately take inventory of their teammates' parental situation. It’s important to Mario Williams whether or not Steve Slaton’s mom breast-fed him, and that DeMeco Ryans knows whether or not Andre Johnson’s dad beat him as a child.

Or that it's more than a little creepy having a father who spouts off publicly?

Oh Christ, I can’t even mock this guy anymore. Did he just burn off 40 words to imply that the Houston Texans—a 5-4 team that is in the thick of a wildcard spot that would deliver the first-ever playoff appearance for their franchise--are giving any attention to this non-story up in Chicago? Can Rick really be this delusional that anyone outside of Bill Adee’s staff truly gives a shit?

I'll go with Door No. 2.

And now you’re pissing on Monte Hall. I WILL DESTROY YOU!

On any level, this wasn't a good move by dear, old dad.

You’re right. It wasn’t a good move. Of course, it wasn’t a bad move, either. It’s NOTHING.

Texans management has to be wondering when Dan Grossman is going to pop off about the situation in Houston.

First of all, why do they have to wonder? Secondly, the situation? What situation? Dan Grossman was complaining about how his son was treated when he started here, he's not bitching about playing time. Finally, even if the Texans were to wonder when Grossman will “pop off” again--a pretty remote chance of that, to be sure but work with me in Rick's fantasy world for a second-- well maybe they’re thinking it’d be after his son leaves, like HE DID IN CHICAGO.

The guess here is if Rex doesn't get his chance in the next year, the eye doctor will question the Texans' vision.

What a horrible guess. If I didn’t know what a shallow, cynical thinks-he’s-being-clever hack Rick Morrissey was, I’d accuse him of just being dumb. Since Dan Grossman didn’t say a peep during his son’s stay in Chicago, the evidence actually would support that he’d take the same tack in Hosuton, if it all.

If Rex does get his chance, can Houston's offensive coordinator expect weekly calls from Papa Grossman?

(You know what, I have a confession to make. It’s 1 AM, and I’ve had a long day. I began reading this article 16 hours ago on the CTA and by the time I got to this point in the article, I stopped. I was also thinking of fisking it like I’m doing now but was immediately distressed to see that there were SO MANY MORE PARAGRAPHS OF THIS CRAP LEFT. So I just figured I’d still fisk it, without reading it past this point ahead of time, on the presumption that Rick would not fail to riddle it with mockable offenses to human decency. You could say that the GUESS here is that Rick will not disappoint me.

I also hate Rick Morrissey just for making this exercise necessary.)

Whether Dan Grossman was right or wrong about what ails the Bears and their quarterbacks, he further painted his son as a man who needs his dad to stand up for him.

So regardless of the validity of Grossman’s point, he—hold on I’m going to have to quote this because I think I need a translation “further painted his son as a man who needs his dad to stand up for him.” Further? That would imply that Rex Grossman has always needed his dad to stand up for him. But AGAIN, this is the first time Dan Grossman has said anything. It’s almost as every word that Rick Morrissey writes reflects the opposite of reality. Truly bizarre. Maybe he’s a genius, a latter-day, cosmic retro version of a love child between Lewis Carroll and Samuel Taylor Coleridge, sent here to provide us with an alternate reality.

That's exactly what a big, tough football player needs, isn't it?

Wow. Now Rick’s putting on his big boy pants to try to bully an NFL player. I love when sportswriters do this. Ha ha, Rex, who’s laughing NOW?!?! HAHA*COUGH*HA. Ow--My asthma!

But I wonder if I'm in the minority on this.

If the majority is “sane, reasonable people with a well-adjusted adaptation to reality”, then you can stop wondering, Rick. You are.

I had a conversation recently with a friend about one of his sons, a soccer player.

Oh great. Here we go. Rick dragged us through his broken glass trail of factual inaccuracies, schlocky analogies and all-around smarminess just so he could bring us to our destination—his asshole neighbor.

The friend believed his 10-year-old deserved more playing time. My advice was to let it play out, that if the boy were good enough, his talent would shine through. But the father and another friend thought I was dead wrong,

DEAD WRONG. You do NOT argue with people whose parents and grandparents emigrated from Strawlandia.

that the right thing was to talk to the coach and impress on him that the kid was, by any measure, one of the better players.

These are two of the more level-headed people I know.

For “people” who go absolutely apeshit when you light a match near them, sure.

Maybe my way of thinking has become passé.

Oh look at you. You fancy yourself Andy Rooney now. Good gord this is awful, even for you, you meandering twit.

All I know is I would have been mortified if my mom had complained to any of my coaches about playing time as I was growing up.

Because you wore black socks to practice and played with Tonka trucks in right field, I’m guessing even your mom knew how silly it would have been to advocate on your behalf.

And I don't think many parents would have complained in those days.

No. parents never complained before. They just drank more, smoked, and wheeled around town without putting on their seatbelts while tossing McDonalds polystyrofoam Big Mac containers out their windows. A simpler time. NO COMPLAINING.

Today? It starts early and, apparently, lasts a lifetime.

To what exactly does “it” refer? Herpes?

In a way, then, Dan Grossman is the logical expression of a society developing stage parents at a frightening rate.

Holy shit. Rick has managed to take this thin sliver of nothingness and allow it to prop himself up into his Sociologist Armchair. What other lessons on society can we learn from this profound example of Dan Grossman initially speaking his mind to a senilic sportswriter?

I would suggest to him that, because his child turns 30 next year, it might be time to let go.

That’s right. You can still give him money on the weekends if you’d like, but emotional supports has limits, Mr. Grossman. You must stop defending your life and blood.

He likely would ask why he's supposed to stop caring about the boy.

I’m amazed Rick would actually consider this ounce of humanness.

But that's just it. Caring parents let children make their own mistakes and find their own solutions.

Where does Dan Grossman not allow his kid to make his own mistakes? AGAIN, this guy never said a peep while his son was here. Further, does Rick Morrissey truly suppose that Rex Grossman was unaware that, say, when he was getting picked off all night against Arizona in 2006 that he was playing poorly? Grossman was maddening, but nobody—not even the great penisface Rick Morrissey—can say he never was accountable for his poor outings. He stood up and admitted when he sucked. What’s the problem here? By the same token, if someone wants to make the case that Rex Grossman received a disproportionate amount of vitriol for a guy who, on balance, fared relatively well here—a valid point and a not-too-difficult stance to advocate—who the hell is Rick Morrissey to tell him to shut up? Oh, wait. He’s one of the guys who mercilessly ripped Grossman while he was here. Now it makes sense.

Some of Dan Grossman's comments were reasonable, but others were just plain ridiculous.

And I’m Rick Morrissey. I KNOW ridiculous.

He said NFL teams ignored Rex Grossman in the offseason "because of all the baggage he had to carry coming out of Chicago."

Certainly plausible. How else do you explain that there was no market for a quarterback who, two years earlier, had thrown for over 3,000 yards and 23 touchdowns while leading his team to a Super Bowl?

Teams ignored him because they saw the same thing everyone else did: Rex Grossman was all over the place consistency-wise.

“All over the place, consistency-wise”? Isn’t that redundant?

If he's as good as his dad thinks he is,

He would have led SOME team to the Super Bowl by now.

he wouldn't be the second-string quarterback for the Texans.

There are worse gigs in the NFL, you know. Plus, he’s only TWENTY NINE.

He would be a starter somewhere. Maybe even in Chicago.

Now you’re just asking to get punched in your penisface, seeing as how you were Torch-Bearer #1 in The Running—Rex—Out—Of--Town Brigade.

If Rex Grossman had said the things his father did, it would have been one thing.

But he didn’t, so let’s stop wasting more space with your hypothetical fantasies.

We could have judged the statements on their merits.

And if your dad could have pulled out, I’d be sleeping right now.

The criticism came from Dr. Grossman, though, and it opened his son to ridicule.

By you, and your entire fucking soon-to-be-irrelevant newspaper, yes.

Is there a mute button in the house?

Don’t know. I’d settle for your computer to crash, though.

Also, I hate you.

Rick Morrissey Somehow Does a 180, Spins from Pure Stupidity to....Pure Stupidity

Shall we recap our friend Rick's summer and his comments about Cutler and the hype surrounding him?

From July 27th:

When one of his receivers, What's His Name, drops an easy pass for the fifth straight game, yeah, I think there's a possibility Cutler will wonder why he left Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall for this. And the chances of some sort of meltdown will increase exponentially.

From August 11th, in an article entitled "Jay Cutler Hype Over the Top":

This is the Summer of Love, or the Summer of Jay, whichever you prefer. I have been in this line of work for more than 25 years and I never have seen anything quite like the ado over the Bears' new quarterback. And I covered John Elway for eight seasons.

Everybody seems to be giddy about Cutler. Radio interviews with him have turned into giggle-fests. Questions to other players about the quarterback start with, "How amazed are you by ..." I wish an athlete just once would respond to that sort of query with, "I'm about a half of 1 percent amazed" or "Not amazed at all; I've seen better."

But if I might be the fly in the Kool-Aid, let's see what this guy can do in, you know, a real game before we crown him the next Peyton Manning.

Unless Cutler cures cancer and gets "Jon & Kate Plus 8" canceled, I don't see how he possibly can live up to the hype.

From September 10th:

Is the galloping optimism warranted? No

To sum up, hope for a Super Bowl appearance centers on two things not involving psychedelics: Cutler being as good as hyped, which might be impossible even if he were Joe Montana in his prime

From September 16th, right after the loss to Green Bay:

By that I mean, who is going to tell him? Who is going to get in Jay Cutler's face and inform him the Green Bay debacle was ridiculous?

The four interceptions in Sunday's opener were a career high, but the poor decision-making and the recklessness were nothing new.

The way the franchise, the fans and the media have built Cutler up has been bewildering. He is not a veteran John Elway, nor even a close approximation right now. Maybe someday. That's a huge "maybe" for any young quarterback.

So what does Morrissey do after two outstanding Cutler games? Does he do what we all desperately want him to do and just shut up? No. He tips the scales all the way in the other direction, surpassing even the greatest stupidity espoused by the thickest meatheads this summer. Morrissey's latest column?

"Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady?"

Holy shit, Rick. I didn't expect this kind of hypocritical, half-brained about-face, even from you. You go from hollering that Cutler hasn't proved a damn thing in the NFL to comparing him to a three time Superbowl winner? God damn, you're pathetic. Just read these first two paragraphs

For those of us who are Jay Cutler skeptics, what has opened our eyes the last two weeks has not been his powerful right arm. Everybody knew the guy could throw the ball far.

The surprising thing has been Cutler's ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon could dispense velvet projectiles. He has been so precise at times you get the feeling he could throw a football through a moving mail slot.

I wonder who would have known that Cutler was accurate. People that watched game film? People that looked up his stat sheet that he'd completed 62.5% of his passes in Denver? People that took an objective look at Cutler, rather than hacks with agendas? And velvet projectiles? What the f*&k? Look what Morrissey has done:

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/09/the-difference-between-jay-cutler-and-tom-brady-one-sulks-the-other-is-a-budding-fashion-icon.html

God damnit, Rick. I'm done wasting time fisking you. You've won. I can no longer keep up with the torrential downpour of verbal diarrhea that pours forth from your articles.

Morrissey! Why am I not Surprised, you Piece of Shit!

That line, of course, is one of Sean Connery's best in what's possibly the single greatest film of all time, The Rock*. But anyways, our friend Rick is back, and you of course shouldn't be surprised that the whole point is to crap on the Bears. Without further ado, he's in italics:

Sports Illustrated has the Bears going to the Super Bowl this season, raising the obvious question: Where does Lovie Smith find the time to coach an NFL team and write for a major publication?

Yeah, how dare those professional journalists taking an objective look at the Bears determine that with a legitimate offense, a hopefully improved defense, and the league's weakest schedule, they might be a competitor in a wide open NFC.

The magazine's prediction might be bold -- might even be meandering toward insane -- but on the other hand, what the heck. If you can't dream big before the regular season begins, when can you? Autumn and Jay Cutler passes are in the air, and lots of true believers in town already are feeling sorry for the '72 Dolphins.

Who? Who is feeling sorry for the '72 Dolphins. Other than the fact that they're the biggest group of asshats in the football world, who in Chicago is actually predicting this? Is he addressing the meatheads? Because that's DEFINITELY a worthwhile endeavor. David Haugh picked the Vikings. NFL Network picked the Packers. Hell, Mike Ditka picked the Packers. Nobody is buying Cutler=Superbowl. Morrissey just wants them to so that he can say "I told you so!" if the Bears fail to win a Superbowl this year.

Fervor almost always reaches critical mass in Chicago this time of year, but with the reviled Packers first on the schedule and Cutler at quarterback, it might be too much for some of the more excitable Bears fans, the ones with pre-existing heart conditions and/or heat-packing spouses who are tired of being asked to scout next week's opponent.

So he Is talking to the meatheads.

When has there been this much buzz surrounding the Bears? Even their most recent Super Bowl season, 2006, didn't produce the kind of anticipation we're seeing as the team readies for its Sunday night opener in Green Bay. Yes, the defense was exceptional in '06, but the quarterback was Rex Grossman.

Actually I was far more confident going into that season. The division was much weaker, the defense much more stout, and I WAS convinced Rex was the answer.

Might we have to go back to that most holy of holy years, 1985, to find similar levels of excitement? I don't mean to put these Bears on that level because they're not even close in terms of overall talent. But when has a blanket of enthusiasm covered the land like this?

That time I thought I saw Rick Morrissey dead on the street? Turns out it was just a hobo.

Is the galloping optimism warranted? No, but never underestimate the ardor of fans who have been deprived of a newfangled thing called "the forward pass." And here comes Cutler, with an arm like a deranged pitching machine.

I can imagine Rick trying to come up with that sentence. It just made the final cut over "The only passing most Bears fans are involved with involves their own gas!"

Can a quarterback make that big a difference?

Yes. Holy shit, yes. Are you fucking kidding me?

Maybe the better question is, Can a quarterback with Cutler's skills make an average Bears team that much better?

Yes.

First off, the guy is not a miracle worker, though there were off-season reports he could change water into beer. If he can keep his head on straight and if just one wide receiver starts playing like an NFL wide receiver, Cutler is worth one more victory this season and perhaps a wild-card berth for a team that went 9-7 last year.

Oh look, a shot at Cutler for drinking this spring. It's not like he's a single 26 year old with millions of dollars in disposable income and didn't have to work for another two to three months after the fact. Actually, Football Outsiders project the Bears to have the best record in the NFC. Not that I agree, but they use actual metrics rather than a pessimistic desire to tear down Cutler becuase they advocated the team would be better without him.

I know that's disappointing to those of you who wept joyfully and unapologetically after reading the SI prediction. But the defensive backfield remains a big question mark. The good news is that, perception-wise, Charles Tillman has turned into a Pro Bowl cornerback while he recovers from back surgery. If he stays off the field much longer, he can start writing his Hall of Fame induction speech.

Or he's just a solid cornerback with experience on a secondary lacking it. A secondary that every Bears fan, and every expert, I know or have read labels as the team's biggest problem.

And whoever Tommie Harris is these days, he's not Tommie Harris, circa 2005. He's closer to the Miller High Life delivery guy.

The guy had 5 sacks and 37 tackles in a "down" year. He looked good and got into the backfield repeatedly against Denver. He's healthy. He'll be starting week one. The rest of the defensive line has really taken to Marinelli's coaching and also look improved. And Miller High Life sucks, and those commercials should have died out two years ago. The champagne of beers, my ass.

To sum up, hope for a Super Bowl appearance centers on two things not involving psychedelics: Cutler being as good as hyped, which might be impossible even if he were Joe Montana in his prime, and the defense being above average, which is a huge challenge for a unit that talks the talk but walks with a limp.

Cutler hype has become Morrissey's straw man. No one that knows a damn thing about football is predicting him to singlehandedly carry them to a Superbowl. Morrissey's just saying they are so that even when he has a solid 3500 yd, 20+ td effort and the Bears make the playoffs, he can either say "yeah, but he wasn't even in the top 5 in____ and they didn't win the Superbowl! Guess I was right after all!" Meanwhile everyone else will go back to enjoying the fact that the Bears have an NFL quarterback and the hilarity that is Morrissey defending to the grave his statement that the Bears would be better off without him.

Oh, and the Bears are hoping running back Matt Forte doesn't go all Geovany Soto on them in his second year

Statistically most runningbacks improve from their first to second season. Hell, the three names I hear most often compared to Matt Forte are LaDainian Tomlinson, Brian Westbrook, and Marshall Faulk. Tell me if any of those three "regressed" in their second year.

OK, now the good news. Going by the NFL's strength of schedule formula, the Bears have the easiest schedule in the league, with their opponents' combined 2008 winning percentage at .414. When the Bears went to the Super Bowl in the 2006 season, they had the NFL's easiest schedule, as well, with opponents' winning percentage from the season before at .445.

I'm so damn tired of hearing that. You know who else gets to play the Lions twice this year? The Packers and the Vikings. Stop acting like Chicago is the only team that get's to benefit from a shot at Matt Millen's Mistakes.

I'm no mathematician, but the fact that they play 0-16 Detroit twice this season might be a factor in the easiest-schedule discussion. The word "easiest" comes with warning labels: the Bears face six opponents that made the playoffs last season: the Steelers, Ravens, Vikings, Cardinals, Falcons and Eagles.

The Steelers will be tough, as will the game in Baltimore, but they went 1-1 against the Vikings last year, the Cardinals are playing in Chicago in what will probably be cold weather (and their pass defense is, shall we say, sketchy?), they would have beaten the Falcons last year were it not for one retarded decision to squib kick, and they Did beat the Eagles last yar. I'll take it.

Mike Ditka, the buzz killer, says the Packers are going to win the NFC North. There are three possibilities here: A) he's right, B) he's very, very distracted after becoming a part owner in the Lingerie Football League or C) a combination of A and B. He's correct that the Bears won't win the division, but he has the wrong team in first. That would be the Vikings with Brett Favre.

Mike Ditka is a self parody at this point. Hell, he has been since about 1986. He's an obnoxious homer most of the time and I've yet to hear him offer one legitimate piece of football analysis outside of "______ is tough!" and "I'm gonna trade every fucking thing I have to pick up Ricky Williams! That'll work!" I'll survive his betrayal.

We're about to find out if a talented Bears quarterback can carve a passing game out of two tight ends and a running back. What better place to do it than Green Bay and what better team to do it against than the Packers?

Sigh. Back to the receivers again. Why does this seem familiar... let's go back....

From August 11th (the second time I ripped into Morrissey):

"Like I pointed out in my Cutler article, there are plenty of precedents for team's that can make the playoffs without great wide receivers, so long as there are options like tight ends or runningbacks."

And That was already a copy and paste from the First time I ripped into Morrissey, back on July 27th.

Also, here's an interesting piece from Football Outsiders on how Ron Turner has used, and can use, that same offense to create constant mismatches and help Cutler "carve out a passing game."

Come to think of it, Detroit and the Lions wouldn't have been such a bad option.

No shit.

Go to hell, Rick Morrissey

*-The Rock may not be the greatest movie of all time. But it is beyond awesome. If you haven't seen it, or worse, have seen it and didn't like it, you should just cut off your testicles right now, because you clearly don't need them. Since you aren't a man.

God Damnit, Rick Morrissey

At it again, are we? In his retarded piece on Brett Favre, entitled "All Brett Favre Questions Have the Same Answer: He Makes Vikings Better" (which I won't fisk line by line, since that would be talking about Favre too much, and I'm tired of doing that), he manages to take a thinly veiled shot at Jay Cutler....again-

"Question: If you're a Bears fan and want to win games (not fantasy leagues) this season, would you rather have Favre, Adrian Peterson and Bernard Berrian on your team or Jay Cutler, Matt Forte and Devin Hester?

Answer: Despite the declarations of undying love for Cutler in these parts, you would be insane not to go with Favre, et al. "

Other than the fact that Cutler is 13 years younger, has a stronger arm, Doesn't have a torn rotator cuff or surgically repaired arm, threw for more yards the last two years (8023 to 7622), a higher yards per attempt average (7.4 to 7.2), fewer interceptions (32 to 37), and had a higher rating last year, Favre's absolutely a better quarterback. Adrian Peterson is the greatest runningback in the NFL, and maybe on his way to the Hall of Fame if he stays healthy and keeps up his torrid pace, but his total yards from scrimmage last year (1885) and total TDs (10) weren't all that much better than what Matt Forte managed as a rookie (1715 and 12 tds). You could argue that Favre will make Peterson better, but you can also argue that Cutler will make Forte better. So while I'd rather have Peterson, Forte's skills as a receiver make him one of the top backs in the league nonetheless. Berrian may be better than Hester at this point, but as Bears fans know, he drops a lot of passes and has yet to have a 1,000 yd receiving season, and we'll see exactly what Hester is worth this year after he's been catching passes from Cutler.

It's really going to be fun this year to see Cutler put up great numbers and watch Morrissey try to act like he didn't spend the entire offseason ranting and raving rather than admitting he was wrong in saying the Bears shouldn't trade for Jay.

Go to Hell, Rick Morrissey.

Rick Morrissey, Don't You Get the Feeling We're Just Destined to Do this Forever?

My favorite hack is back today, once more beating the "I said I didn't want Cutler back before the Bears traded for him when I thought I was safe because there was no chance in hell that Angelo would actually make the deal, and now I can't take it back because that would mean admitting I, the great Rick Morrissey, was wrong" drum. Is he attacking Cutler for a future meltdown again? Nay. This time he's going straight after the fans and media.

In this piece of crap, entitled "Jay Cutler Hype Over the Top," Morrissey tries and fails to dampen enthusiasm over Cutler. His words in italics:

BOURBONNAIS -- Rain fell Friday afternoon, and it was almost perfect.It gave the Bears' training camp at Olivet Nazarene even more of a Woodstock feel. If the rain had come down harder, a photographer might have gotten an iconic shot of mud-streaked fans grooving to the hissing sound of a Jay Cutler pass.

Yes, because nothing is more reminiscent of a three day orgy of hippies, rock, and drugs than a towering meathead wearing an undersized Brian Urlacher jersey while watching Caleb Hanie throw to Devin Aromashadu.

This is the Summer of Love, or the Summer of Jay, whichever you prefer. I have been in this line of work for more than 25 years and I never have seen anything quite like the ado over the Bears' new quarterback. And I covered John Elway for eight seasons.

Is that your problem then? Are you, like many Broncos fans, never satisfied because Jay Cutler somehow doesn't measure up to a guy that retired over a decade ago?

Such unconditional love for Cutler! But enough about the media coverage.

Yeah! Take that, rest of the media. Rick's showing off his professionalism. While you're all being upbeat and optimistic about a quarterback showing up for the first time in your lifetime, Rick's being professional enough to attack without reason any sign of hope in order to salvage some half assed proclamation he made back in March that the Bears were better off without Cutler.

To be fair, I was not in Denver for Elway's rookie season, when one newspaper ran a regular update that included what he ate each meal during training camp. I'm afraid I've just given sports editors in Chicago a new idea: J.C.'s Daily Bread.

So you weren't in Denver when they treated their new franchise quarterback the same way Bears fans are now treating Cutler, but you feel the need to rail against the fanbase like they're the first ones to ever act this way over a new quarterback?

Everybody seems to be giddy about Cutler. Radio interviews with him have turned into giggle-fests. Questions to other players about the quarterback start with, "How amazed are you by ..." I wish an athlete just once would respond to that sort of query with, "I'm about a half of 1 percent amazed" or "Not amazed at all; I've seen better."

Except they haven't.

The reason for the enthusiasm surrounding Cutler is obvious. The Bears haven't had a good quarterback in a long time. And his arm seems to be fitted with a hydraulic slingshot. But if I might be the fly in the Kool-Aid, let's see what this guy can do in, you know, a real game before we crown him the next Peyton Manning.

I love this part. "Let's see what he can do in a real game." Cutler isn't Matthew Stafford. Hell, he's not even Rex Grossman before 2006. He's got 2 1/2 full seasons of experience where he's PROVEN he can play in the NFL. Also- Manning through his first 37 starts-

782 comp./1315 att., 59.5% Comp., 9,475 yds, 7.2 ypa, 63 tds, 50 ints, 81.7 Rating.

Cutler through his first 37 starts-

762 comp./1220 att., 62.5% Comp., 9,024 yds, 7.4 ypa, 54 tds, 37 ints, 87.1 Rating.

Hmm. Interesting. Cutler has a better comp. %, better yards per attempt, and a better TD-Int Ratio. Not to say that Jay will Be the next Peyton Manning, but it does seem like a reasonable comparison.

"It's real exciting," wide receiver Brandon Rideau said. "We have a Pro Bowl quarterback in, so everybody in town is excited about it. We're excited. We just want to make sure we can come in and live up to what we expect of ourselves."

Over and over again, players, fans and media members have referred to Cutler as a Pro Bowl quarterback. If by saying he's a Pro Bowl quarterback you mean he has gone to one Pro Bowl, then, yes, he's a Pro Bowl quarterback. That makes Marty Booker a Pro Bowl wide receiver because he was selected for the game in 2002.

That's exactly what we mean by saying he's a Pro Bowl quarterback. We'd sure look like idiots if he Hadn't gone to one, wouldn't we? Also, there's a statute of limitations on this shit, Rick. I'm quite sure I distinctly remember hearing Marty Booker referred to in 2003 as a "Pro Bowl Wide Receiver." If Jay doesn't go this year, or hasn't gone in 7 years, we won't still call him that, now will we? My God, could you be any more of a pessimistic little shit?

Thousands of fans stood in the rain Friday and oohed and aahed as Cutler completed passes to receivers who were running routes without defenders. When the defense did get on the field, Rideau made some nice catches. That immediately raised his stock to somewhere in the Jerry Rice stratus.

Oh yeah, because I've heard plenty of Bears fans salivating over Rideau. Maybe their just salivating over the fact that they have a quarterback who can get the ball to anybody who has got two hands. If he does that enough times, the yards will come, no matter who is back there.

The assumption, apparently, is that Cutler is so good he's going to make all the receivers around him good too. That must have been general manager Jerry Angelo's thinking because he didn't land any veteran wide receivers in the off-season.

Sigh. We went over this last time, Rick:

"Like I pointed out in my Cutler article, there are plenty of precedents for team's that can make the playoffs without great wide receivers, so long as there are options like tight ends or runningbacks."

Unless Cutler cures cancer and gets "Jon & Kate Plus 8" canceled, I don't see how he possibly can live up to the hype.

Or gives the team a consistent and effective passing game for the first time since Truman was in office. Or takes the team deep into the playoffs. Or someday wins a Superbowl. I hate when guys like Morrissey act like Cutler's a one year acquisition and Bears fans will riot if they don't win the Superbowl THIS YEAR. What I'M excited about is the fact that he's 26 fucking years old and should be firing touchdowns for a decade.

Some of the gushing is because of the inevitable excitement that comes with change. We have seen it before with coaching changes. The new coach is the breath of fresh air who invigorates everything. The former coach could siphon the fun out of a grammar-school snow day. That's how it works. Thus, Cutler now is the embodiment of all that is good in the world, at least in Chicago.

And Rick Morrissey is the embodiment of everything wrong with sportswriting today.

And he has gotten into the comparison game, telling WMVP-AM last week that Bears fans are better than Broncos fans.

"It's a lot [different]," he said. "Denver's like a 6 and Chicago's like a 9. It's quite a bit different. Just the fans and how passionate they are, that's probably the biggest difference."

Somebody needs to put an arm around Cutler and tell him that, according to the Broncos' Web site, the waiting list for their season tickets has 28,000 names on it and that the estimated wait is 13 to 15 years.

I'm thinking Cutler was more referring to the fact that 11,000 fans have been showing up per day to Bears training camp, and the Broncos can't even accomodate more than 6,000. And yes, nice job, Broncos season ticket holders. You're a brilliant contrast to the vacant, empty Soldier Field we see on Sundays every year.

The Broncos struggled down the stretch last season, losing their last three games when all they needed was one victory to earn a playoff berth. Cutler did not play well in those games. But that was last year, and Da Coach said living in the past is for cowards, gang.

True, Cutler played fairly mediocre, albeit not awful, in those three games. Not that it mattered, however, when their defense gave up a whopping 37 ppg in those three contests. But way to leave that part out and try to heap all of the blame on Cutler, you disingenuous prick.

The present, at least here in Bourbonnais, is so shiny, it's hardly recognizable. Caught up as I am in Cutler Mania, I have the Bears improving by one victory to 10-6 this year. But wait a second. Some experts are picking them to go 8-8. Does this make me Mr. Positive? I think it does.

Yep. And the year the Bears went to the Superbowl in 2006, SI had them going 9-7 and finishing second while the Dolphins and the Panthers played in the Superbowl. My point? The national media's predictions about the Bears are usually pointless, but just to contradict Mr. Morrissey, Football Outsiders and Athlon Sports are just two of the more comprehensive, stat based groups that have predicted the Bears to win the North.

In any case, Bears players are excited too.

How dare they not quake in fear of Morrissey's prophecies of DOOM?!

"He's an amazing quarterback," center Olin Kreutz said. "He opens up the offense. ... The defense doesn't know where the ball is going. Sometimes we don't know where the ball is going."

Odd. He wasn't even set up by a giggly sports personality to say that.

We don't know where the hype is going either.

Wherever it goes, can you just go somewhere else? Somewhere far, far away?

Go to hell, Rick Morrissey.

Rick Morrissey, You Sniveling Little Twit.

You're a god damned idiot. From Morrissey's latest (he's in italics)

Chicago Bears' prospects this season? Questionable

What did coach Lovie Smith say to President Barack Obama upon meeting him last week in Chicago?

"Hey, do you ever get tired of people referring to you as 'a black president', rather than just a president, because that shit got on my nerves during the Superbowl."

"Can you play wide receiver?"

Oh. Right. Here we go.

Come on, is it really that bad?

No, it's not. Like I pointed out in my Cutler article, there are plenty of precedents for team's that can make the playoffs without great wide receivers, so long as there are options like tight ends or runningbacks.

It is. Besides Devin Hester, a No. 3 receiver with a No. 1 receiver's opinion of himself, the Bears will be hard pressed to feature a wide receiver anyone has heard of -- and that includes their mothers.

Devin Hester finished 49th in the NFL in receiving yards last year. There are 32 teams in the NFL, and if each one starts two wide receivers...that means Hester would have to rank at least 65th or worse to be more of a No.3 receiver than a No.2, and you'd have to be a total blockhead like Morrissey to assume those numbers Won't improve by at least a couple hundred yards with Jay Cutler back there. Also, is that some shot at Devin Hester's attitude? I've never heard anybody accuse Hester of having an inflated ego or attitude problem. Or is Morrissey referring to this article, where Hester states that his goal is to be the best receiver to ever play the game? Because God forbid we'd want a player that sets his sights on being great.

Oh, come on. You're saying the Bears gave up all those draft picks so that Jay Cutler would have no targets on the field? Does that make any sense?

Or its possible that the Bears, I don't know, have a developing Hester who has made big leaps (299 yds to 665) in his first two years and should continue to progress with a better quarterback under center, and a third round pick from last year entering his second year in the system in Earl Bennett, or that they, you know, Drafted three wide receivers. Also, screw the two quality tight ends and the runningback who led all runningbacks in receptions last year. He has NO TARGETS.

It is bizarre, like seeing construction on a house stop midway through the second-floor bathroom. But maybe the Bears are waiting to have all the pieces in place for the 2010 season. Wait, that's the Bulls.

Right, becuase the Bulls are the only team in professional sports that have a long term plan and may realize that there's only so many quality players one can acqure in one offseason and that sometimes it takes more than one?

I'm so confused.

That's a given. Now just throw away your laptop, curl up in the fetal position, and cry at the failure in life you've become.

So who are the receivers in camp?

Hester, Rashied Davis, Earl Bennett, Devin Aromashodu, John Broussard, Juaquin Iglesias and Brandon Rideau, among others.

Also Johnny Knox, the guy that ran a 4.34 40 at the combine. Its almost like they were forced to look for sleeper picks and actually picked guys with solid potential, all because they traded their first round pick to get a franchise quarterback.

Who among that group will be Cutler's favorite receiver?

Running back Matt Forte.

Or Greg Olsen, you pathetic little weasel. Have you ever even heard of Kellen Winslow, Ozzie Newsome, Shannon Sharpe, Tony Gonzalez, or Antonio Gates? You know, the guys that Olsen constantly draws comparison too (he's actually faster than all of them, with a 4.45 forty time on record), those tight ends that can actually be the best receivers on dynamic offenses, despite the fact that they are tight ends?

What kind of reception will Cutler receive from Broncos fans when he returns to Denver on Aug. 30 for an exhibition game?

About as warm of a welcome as Rick Morrissey should get whenever he walks into a room full of real, competent journalists.

Oh, man, it's going to be brutal. They're not going to remember his 2008 Pro Bowl season. They're going to remember his snit-fest with new Broncos coach Josh McDaniels. They're going to remind him what a sniveling baby he was. They're mostly going to be mad he's not with them anymore.

That's nice. Everyone can pen a bunch of dramatic storylines, people can boo, and, most importantly, its preseason and nobody actually gives a shit.

So he's the answer to all of the Bears' prayers?

I'm sorry, is there anyone out there thats seriously saying that, the meatheads aside? Angelo's done nothing but talk about tempering expectations for Cutler. Lovie and co. have done a decent job of advocating that its still about the run game and the defense. Watch out, Rick, your STRAW MAN is showing.

No, that would be Rod Marinelli.

Oh, right. This is where Rick flies in the face of dozens of former and current players, coaches, and professional football experts who've all praised the Marinelli hiring and pisses all over it.

The defensive line coach?

Oh, he's not just a defensive line coach. He's a savior. He might have been the Lions' head coach last season when they went 0-16, but the Bears are selling him as the man who will turn underachieving defensive linemen into Pro Bowl players.

Right. Because no person who was once acknowledged as one of the best position coaches or coordinators in the game could fail as a head coach and then go back to the job he was great at in the first place. I forgot that Dick LeBeau's 12-33 stint as head coach of the Bengals actually ruined his abilities as a defensive coordinator forever. I must have just imagined the fact that he went back to Pittsburgh and helped craft one of the league's best defenses, one thats won 2 of the last 4 Superbowls.

If you say so, but what can he do about a defense that finished 21st in the league in total yards allowed, 30th against the pass and 22nd in sacks?

Well, he could enforce discipline and fundamentals and overhaul a unit that not that long ago was one of the league's best defensive lines, and given that the entire Tampa 2 scheme revolves around getting pressure from the front four, that could improve the unit rankings in every possible category. That would be a start.

Well, the idea is that he will heal Tommie Harris' knee, remind Adewale Ogunleye how to rush the passer and catch a few passes in his spare time.

Or by many accounts Harris' knee is feeling much better and the fact that he's one of the league's most destructive defensive tackles when he's at his best, not to mention a healthy tackle rotation behind him with Anthony Adams, Dustin Dvoracek, Marcus Harrison, and rookie Jarron Gilbert, means that the tackles will draw enough double teams that Ogunleye's numbers will improve simply because he'll face better match ups.

Seriously, why does no one seem to be overly concerned about the defense?

Yeah, no one is concerned about the defense.

The hope is that Lance Briggs will be what he has been the past few years and that Brian Urlacher will be what he used to be. And the Bears did finish fifth against the run last season.

Well, there's nothing ridiculous about hoping Lance Briggs will continue to play well in the prime of his career, and Urlacher did have a monster second half in 2007, and considering Ray Lewis' stellar play last year, its not unreasonable to assume that a better pass rush will allow Urlacher to make more plays, as an upgraded pass rush in Baltimore led to Lewis' revival.

Let's get back to Cutler. Is it true that no one will care what he's like as a person if he wins games?

Let's put it this way: As long as he throws lots of touchdown passes, he could publicly tell Virginia McCaskey she needs to update her wardrobe, and no one would blink.

Yes because Old Vag' McCaskey is such a beloved figure that we'd all be appalled if someone dared insult her. I'd rather Cutler ask her if she's going to pry a few dollars out of her dusty old ass to get him a contract extension.

But you believe he's a pouting episode waiting to happen, don't you?

Yeah, because that's the only thing that would allow Morrissey to justify his ludicrous idea that Cutler doesn't improve the Bears.

When one of his receivers, What's His Name, drops an easy pass for the fifth straight game, yeah, I think there's a possibility Cutler will wonder why he left Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall for this. And the chances of some sort of meltdown will increase exponentially.

You f*&king moron. Brandon Marshall was third in the league with Twelve dropped passes last year, and Cutler certainly never "melted down." Also, I'm sure Cutler has no experience dealing with adversity or poor play by his surrounding cast. It's not like went to Vanderbilt or something.

If you're so down on the Bears, why are you picking them to go 10-6?

Because he can't express a coherent thought without contradicting his own stupidity?

The division isn't very good, and if Cutler's physical abilities aren't enough to get them one more victory than last season, God help them.

Actually, with Aaron Rodgers leading Green Bay's offense and the Vikings having Adrian Peterson and their overrated but still good defense, and Detroit having to at least be better than last year, the division's stronger than it has been in quite some time.

OK, what are you excited about?

Rick Morrissey's death. Oh, you're asking him.

Cutler vs. Aaron Rodgers and the Packers in Green Bay for the opener. It will give us an idea of what the Bears will be this year. I'm excited to see what Forte can do with one season under his belt. I'm excited to see what kind of year tight end Greg Olsen will have when every defense pays close attention to him while ignoring the Bears' receivers.

You see that folks? Wisdom from Rick Morrissey. If you wait until the team plays this year, you might be able to get an idea of how well they're going to play this year. And let team's double and triple cover Olsen all they want. I'll take any man's bet that Cutler and Hester will make them pay for that.

What are the best names on the training camp roster?

Linebacker Pisa Tinoisamoa and cornerback Woodny Turenne.

I hate you so much.

Does tackle Orlando Pace have anything left in his tank?

That's not the question. The question is whether the 33-year-old can stay healthy for an entire season. He was injured much of 2006 and 2007 before starting most of last season for the Rams.

....Then he would seemed to have answered that question last year, eh Rick?

What about last year's first-round pick, Chris Williams?

Back surgery as a rookie tackle? Very, very not good.

Back surgery apparently minor enough that he recovered in time to play last season and is now being counted on as a starter at right tackle? Very very unimportant.

Is Smith really only the 20th best coach in the NFL, as the Sporting News ranked him?

No.

That was a complete injustice. He's definitely in the top 17.

Since Smith took over in 2004 the Bears are 7th in the NFL in wins. They're one of only four NFC teams to win two division titles in that span. He's one of only six active coaches that have taken teams to the Superbowl in the span. Say what you will, there's no justification for him being more than Slightly out of the top ten.

Isn't Bourbonnais something a drunk puts on a turkey sandwich at 2 a.m.?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Is Rick Morrissey a complete hack?

Yes. Yes, he is.