How Long Can You Keep This Up?

Last April, Derrek Lee was two years removed from his wrist injury, coming off of a season that OPS wise was his second best ever (even with only 22 homers), and he had one of the best Aprils of his career, with a .364/8/23/.437/.682 line, adding up to an 1.118 OPS. The Cubs were off to a hot start and most Cub fans were happy with the idea that the Derrek Lee we saw in 2005 was finally back in full force. Then the calendar rolled over to May, traditionally Derrek's worst month in the majors, and it hit hard, dropping him to a .234/5/14/.269/.411 line that month for a .681 OPS. From there on until the rest of the season Derrek never hit more than 2 homers in a month or posted a monthly OPS higher than a mediocre .787. He began to roll over into double play after double play, finishing with 27 and earning the moniker "DPLee" on many messageboards. Opinions varied on his prospects for the 2009 season, with many meathead Cub fans openly calling for the Cubs to drop him out of his customary third spot in the lineup or to replace him with 29 year old "rookie" Micah Hoffpauir outright.

April of this year came and with the Cubs struggling, much of the fans' frustrations were vented on Derrek, who posted his worst April in a decade, when he posted a .173 average and a .478 OPS for the Marlins in May of 1999, back before he'd established himself as a major leaguer. This April Derrek's line was a ghastly .189/1/10/.253/.284 for a morbid .537 OPS. The calls for Hoffpauir grew louder and even led some rational bloggers to wonder if maybe the change would have to be made soon.

But then something incredible happened. Lee entered May, his worst month, and caught fire like he hadn't done since April of last year or even 2007. For the month of May he hit .313/4/9/.403/.552 with a .955 OPS. June came (traditionally his best month) and he didn't disappoint, hitting .333/6/20/.417/.556 with a .973 OPS, the first time he'd put back to back months together with an OPS of at least .900 since his monster 2005. How has he done in his 5 July games? He's off to an even greater start, with a .300/4/12/.333/.900 line and a whopping 1.233 OPS. Needless to say its one of the better hitting stretches of his career, all at the age of 33 and after what appeared to be a year of decline.

So what the hell happened? It seems a bit weak after three years to use the "his wrist was hurt" excuse, so I won't. However, the bulging disk that has bothered him on an off since 2007 seems a likely culprit, and perhaps the treatment has finally given him the comfort to drive the ball with authority once more. The question that's most important, however, is if he can keep this up.

I say yes he can. Why? His swing is just perfect right now, and while he's bound to cool down from the homer hitting tear he's been on this week, there's no reason he can't continue his success of the last two months as long as he keeps driving both fastballs and breaking balls the way he has been and punishing pitchers' mistakes that he was missing just three months ago. He's got protection in the lineup again, with Aramis back to save the day. But most of all he's going to do it because just like me, he hates the Cubs.com troglodytes that called for Micah Hoffpauir with the white hot rage of a thousand burning suns.

The Reports of His Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

This guy, with two home runs today and a healthy .285/10/33/.361/.490/.851 line, would like to extend a hearty "fuck you" to any jackass that advocated starting Micah Hoffpauir back in April.

Geovany Soto Makes Code Red's Girlfriends Day by Winning ROTY, Ruins it by Being Married.

This should have been mentioned yesterday and for that I apologize , but the Girlfriend made sure that it received its proper mention today, so here's a heartfelt SKO congratulations to Geovany Soto for winning National League Rookie of the Year. We're all proud of you, especially the Girlfriend, who'd once more like to point out that she picked you to be her favorite player well before the season started. And she'd probably leave me for you in a second. Thank you for being married.

Cubs Clinch- An Hour by Hour/Inning by Inning Account

This Saturday, as anyone here should know, the Cubs clinched their 2nd consecutive NL Central Division Title. The girlfriend bought us tickets for my birthday so like good cornfield denizens of the Quad Cities, we drove to Aurora and hopped on a train to avoid driving in Chicago. The game was perfect as was the night, so here's a brief account of how it all went down

5:40 AM- Wake up. Girlfriend practically drags me out of bed. I am most hesitant to go. Eventually I stir myself.

7:00 AM- Drop the dogs off at the kennel, as my parents had friends with them for the weekend out at our family's camper, and neither of us would be home to take care of the pups. Hit the road with my dad's TomTom as our guide to the Aurora train station.

7:30 AM- Realized that I forgot to hit "start" on the TomTom, and have thus managed to get lost in Rock Island..a town I travel through every day.

7:40 AM- After turning the TomTom on, we hit the interstate for Aurora.

9:50 AM- Arrive in Aurora, buy tickets for the 10:20 to Union Station. We ask a man in a uniform if the train currently on the tracks is the right train. He responds in a thick Chicago accent "Yeah, of course it is. Fuck, ya never rode the train before? If you're heading to the game I hope ya bring them some fuckin luck. Fuck. That fuckin' Zambrano got fuckin torched yesterday. Hope they can at least fuckin clinch today. But yeah, thats the right train. Have fun. Fuckin go Cubs!" We board the train.

12:00 PM- Arrive in Union Station 18 minutes late due to "construction on the track". My heart goes out to the poor bastards who ride those things to work every day.

12:30 PM- After getting directions from Union Station to the Red Line from a hobo (who turned out to be wrong) we walk 8 blocks toward the wrong station before being directed by a kind, though loud mouthed, Cubs fan, who directs us underground to the right station. While waiting for the train, the kindly loud mouth comments that "this is where you go if you want to get to the Cubs game." I respond that if you want to go to the White Sox game, you hop down and lick the third rail. Laughs all around.

1:00 PM- Arrive at the Addison station after climbing from below ground to well above, which made the girlfriend beyond nervous. The huge camera around her neck and our complete and obvious lack of direction make our inexperience in the city as obvious as though we'd had signs around our necks saying "gullible tourists". As Wrigley comes into view the girlfriend (her first trip ever) smiles bright enough to power most of the North Side. Its a proud moment for the man who converted her from a Red Sox (not her fault, her father's from Boston) to a Cubs fan in February.

1:10 PM- Girlfriend asks why the statue of Harry Caray is so unnervingly creepy. I respond that the designer confused Harry's diet of beer with a diet of Souls.

1:25 PM- We enter Wrigley and climb up the stairs to watch batting practice. Upon her first view of the field, girlfriend marvels that "its so much smaller than it looks on TV". We move down to watch BP, but are unable to obtain autographs, though we snap a few good pictures of Z, Lou, and Geovany Soto as he warms up.

1:45 PM- After purchasing two Chicago Dogs, we devour them after moving to our seats. The girlfriend, who is normally Not a hot dog eater, marvels at the concept of grilled onions and tomatoes as condiments. Watching my girlfriend with the normally perfect table manners and very select eating habits wolf down a dog and smear mustard on her mouth nearly brings a tear to my eye.

2:30 PM- two couples sit down to my right. The man in the seat next to me reveals that he's from Toronto and is a Blue Jays fan. We discuss Lyle Overbay, AJ Burnett's fragility, his surprise at Ted's success with the Cubs, and our mutual love of Matt Stairs. True baseball fans are fun, no matter the franchise. He is clearly smitten with Wrigley Field.

2:40 PM- First pitch from a 104 year old hobbit. Crowd goes wild.

2:45 PM- First pitch from Vince Vaughn. Crowd less than impressed.

2:55 PM/ Top of the 1st-First pitch. Cesar Izturis leads off the game. The girlfriend, who only learned the principle of On Base Percentage in April (still ahead of Dusty Baker), has the following conversation with me-
GF- Why's someone with such a low average and OBP leading off?
Me- Because Tony LaRussa is a genius.
GF- Doesn't seem like it to me ( as she talks, Izturis pops out to Soto, GF cheers ecstatically for her "Little Geovany").

Ryan Ludwick bats, and doubles before retires Pujols and Lopez to end the inning.

Bottom of the 1st-Joel Piniero starts and the Cubs answer the Cardinals with a double wedged between three outs.

Top of the 2nd- I question the Cardinals fan sitting next to the Blue Jays fan as to why .267/24/90/.369/.477 Troy Glaus is batting 5th while .264/5/39/.328/.362 Felipe Lopez bats cleanup. Cards fan rolls his eyes and mutters something that sounds like "trucking LaRussa". curious. Cardinals go down quick, with only a soft single from Brian Barton.

Bottom of the 2nd-Cubs load the bases with two outs. Soriano singles to left to make it 3-0. Girlfriend goes for the hug while I moronically go for the high five. Awkwardness ensues. Eventually a high five and hug result.

Top of the 3rd- Ted mows them down and erases the only base runner with a double play.

Bottom of the 3rd- Cubs go down in order. The game is moving along quickly.

Top of the 4th-Ted continues to roll, setting the heart of the order,although with Felipe Lopez batting cleanup one can argue that its a heart with serious defects, down 1-2-3.

Bottom of the 4th- Cubs score two on a double by Mark DeRosa and a suicide squeeze by Lilly, possibly the most exciting play of the game.

Top of the 5th- Cardinals go down in order. Ted sets the cruise control.

Bottom of the 5th- Cubs go down quietly, with an Edmonds DP erasing an Aramis single.

Top of the 6th- Ted sparks fears of pants-shitting everywhere as a Lopez single and Glaus three run homer cut a 5-0 lead to 5-4. Girlfriend attempts to calm down my growing fears. Tension hovers in the air.

Bottom of the 6th- Hopes for a momentum swing are dashed as Fukudome refuses to swing on a hit and run call and gets Soto thrown out at second, then strikes out. I'm not sure if I'm more pissed at Fukudome for playing so meek, or if the Girlfriend is more pissed that he got Soto thrown out.

Top of the 7th- In a surprise move, Lou sends Ted to start the 7th. Ted reverts to form, striking out the first two batters and getting Cesar to ground out to end the inning. All in all 6 great innings out of 7 total for Ted.

Bottom of the 7th- Cubs go down in order, but not before the Girlfriend snaps a perfect picture of Mike Fontenot. Not sure why that matters.

Top of the 8th- Crowd on its feet as Marmol slices through Ludwick, Pujols, and Lopez. I rejoice that Pujols can't ruin it in the 9th. The crowd gets even more tense as they start to taste victory.

Bottom of the 8th- Lee, Ramirez, Edmonds all go down as everyone seems intent on finishing this thing quickly.

Top of the 9th- 41,597 on their feet as Wood comes in to close it out. After some grumbling over a walk to Glaus, Kerry grounds out Kennedy and strikes out Skip Schumaker. A soft fly ball off of the bat of Aaron Miles fittingly lands in the glove of Jim Edmonds. The crowd goes nuts as the Girlfriend (an opera major with some serious pipes) destroys a row of ear drums with an ear piercing scream of joy. Three rounds of "Go Cubs Go" follow, as well as "Someday We'll Go All the Way". I find myself disappointed at the low number of fans who've actually heard the song. After watching the Cubs celebrate on the mound, we wait for them to return from the dugout and watch them spray the stands with champagne. Finally we work our way out, still singing "Go Cubs Go" as we high five half of Wrigleyville.

After leaving the stadium we head into Wrigleyville Sports to work our way past the crowd of fans desperate for 2008 Central Champion shirts. The Girlfriend picks out a nice pinstriped t-shirt reminiscent of the late 80s/early 90s pullover Cubs jerseys. She demurs my suggestion that she buy the sansabelt pants to match. We walk a mile to reach Giordanos, determined to have some deep dish pizza. The pizza is delicious, and the ride back to Union Station on the red line from Belmont is full of rejoicing Cubs fans and somber Cardinals fans. At Union Station we board the 8:40 train to Aurora, arriving at 10:00. At 1:10 in the morning we arrive back at home, and fall asleep moments after hitting the bed.

In conclusion: It was a wonderful birthday gift and a great moment for Cubs fans, old and new.

Not Just About UFC and Video Games!

My recent absences from this site due mostly to work, girlfriend, busy schedule, etc. have resulted in far fewer discussions of the Best Team in Baseball and Iggins! subsequent return to this place has lead to the posting of articles about UFC, of all things. Now, I enjoy the brutal beating of a man as much as the next guy, if not more so. But really conjecture about a fighting league is both pointless and boring in my book. Nothing really matters until two guys step into the ring and box each other out. I really don't give a shit if some company maybe will possibly if everything potentially goes well soon start making T-Shirts for a motley assortment of Slavic and Latino cage fighters. With that said, at least the boy adds a different Perspective to this place. Anywho, on to baseball:

- God Fucking Damn the White Sox. Somehow a team that really is nothing more than a middle of the pack talent level team that's barely keeping a 1 1/2 game lead in the shittiest division in baseball wanders into Wrigley Field, trashes the Cub's stadium, players, and World Series drought (yeah, its a 100 years, but before 2005 you went 88 fucking years. Let's not point fucking fingers), gets its ass handed to it on a silver platter and still walks away unrepentant and lead by a gigantic douche.

-God Damn Joe Morgan. One more comment about Banks Boulevard and I will personally hunt you down and cast your body into a place that will soon be called "Bloody Joe's Ravine".

-God Damn the cliff jumpers who let the first three game losing streak of the season and a mild, two start injury to Carlos Zambrano make them utter such heresy as the phrases "cursed" or "Cubbie occurence." Get over it and check the standings people. Take a deep breath, then jump off anyways. I really could care less.

-Iggins! and I both work at a PGA Golf Course, and our pro tournament is July 7-13, so don't expect to hear much out of our overworked, irritable, miserable asses.

Cubs-Reds, April 16, 2008

Reds @ Cubs. 7:05 PM. Comcast SportsNet Chicago
Starting Pitchers: Chicago- Carlos Zambrano (1-1, 3.20 ERA) Cincinnati- Josh Fogg (1-1, 7.00 ERA)

Lineups:

Cincinnati-

CF Corey Patterson
SS Jeff Keppinger
RF Ken Griffey, Jr.
2B Brandon Phillips
LF Adam Dunn
3B Edwin Encarnacion
1B Joey Votto
C Javier Valentin
P Josh Fogg

Chicago-

2B Mike Fontenot
SS Ryan Theriot
1B Derrek Lee
3B Aramis Ramirez
RF Kosuke Fukudome
LF Mark DeRosa
C Geovany Soto
CF Reed Johnson (explain why here's here and not Theriot)
P Carlos Zambrano

Cubs-Phillies April 11, 2008

Cubs (6-3) @ Phillies (4-6)
6:05 PM CT. Comcast SportsNet Chicago

Pitchers: Cubs- Zambrano (1-0, 1.32 ERA). Phillies- Brett Myers (0-1, 6.31 ERA)

Lineups:
Cubs- LF Alfonso Soriano
CF Kosuke Fukudome (Finally! 2 hole!)
1B Derrek Lee
3B Aramis Ramirez
RF Daryle Ward (this is gonna be good)
C Geovany Soto
2B Mark Derosa
SS Ryan Theriot
P Carlos Zambrano

Phillies- CF Shane Victorino
3B Greg Dobbs
2B Chase Utley
1B Ryan Howard
LF Pat Burrell
RF Geoff Jenkins
C Carlos Ruiz
SS Eric Bruntlett
P Brett Myers

Jon Lieber Descends Down From Heavens, Saves Game For Cubs

It's ok to stare..it happens all the time

Pittsburgh- Chicago Cubs pitcher Jon Lieber, who earned his first win as a Cub since 2002 on Monday, was scene surrounded in an immaculate glow of heavenly light as he walked to the mound from the bullpen on Friday night. Proving that he may just be the team's third best starting pitcher, despite being the one not actually in the rotation, Lieber pitched 4 1/3 innings of shutout ball for the Cubs after relieving pants-wetting starting pitcher Rich Hill. After the Cubs scored 5 runs in the 6th inning to overcome a 3-2 deficit, Lieber was able to earn his second win of the season. With the 7-3 win the Cubs improve to 6-3 on the season.

Cubs-Pirates April 9, 2008

Chicago Cubs @ Pittsburgh Pirates
6:05 PM CT, Comcast Sportsnet Chicago

Starting Pitchers- Pittsburgh: Zach Duke (0-0, 3.18 ERA). Chicago: Ryan Dempster (1-0, 1.50 ERA)

Lineups-

Pittsburgh: CF Nate McLouth
2B Freddy Sanchez
LF Jason Bay
1B Adam LaRoche
RF Xavier Nady
C Ryan Doumit
3B Jose Bautista
SS Brian Bixler
P Zach Duke

Chicago: LF Alfonso Soriano
CF Scrappy Reed Johnson
1B Derrek Lee
3B Aramis Ramirez
RF Kosuke Fukudome
2B Mark DeRosa
C Geovany Soto
SS Ronny Cedeno
P Ryan Dempster

Thoughts on a Weekend (and Monday) of Baseball

For those of you who may have missed the last couple Cubs games, here's the brief recap:

Friday: Astros 4, Cubs 3
Saturday: Cubs 9, Astros 7
Sunday: Cubs 3, Astros 2
Monday: Cubs 10, Pirates 8

- On Friday Rich Hill temporarily put on hold the worries about his rough spring training, as he threw 6 innings, struck out 4, and gave up just two runs.

-Mark DeRosa has made two pretty bad errors (on Friday and today)but nearly redeemed himself with a line drive homer in the 9th on Friday.

- Sadly (and this is a recurring theme so far) Reed Johnson just looks better than Pie this year.

Look into the face of Scrappiness

- This team has a very bad habit of tying games then immediately giving back the lead.

- The defense as a whole has been terrible. Including today's game, the team has given up 6 unearned runs on the season. That's bad.

-Ryan Theriot is taking a lot of pitches. He's hitting very few of them. And he's not walking. During yesterday's game Ron Santo ripped into Theriot for taking two straight strikes to begin an at bat. Frankly I think Theriot has tried so hard to fit into the leadoff hitter mode he's determined to take more pitches at the expense of not swinging at good hiter's pitches.

-Derrek Lee is back, and I mean 2005 Lee. He's ripped everything he's seen lately, with power. 3 homers in his first 7 games, which ties or surpasses his whole month totals of last April, May, and June each. If 2005 Derrek Lee (.335, 46 hr, 107 RBIs, .418 OBP, .662 slugging) really is back, then he could carry this team for months.

-Kosuke Fukudome is continuing to rape American pitching, after his 3 hits today he's hitting .458.

-I'm hoping his game winning sac fly today will put some fire back in Aramis, as this team could really use him getting hot to give the Cubs the NL's best 3-4-5 combo.

-Ditto for the 3 for 32 Alfonso Soriano.

- Ted Lilly is just not controlling his fastball right now. Judging from his lackluster fourth inning, and the fact that the shit hit the fan in the 5th inning of his first start, it looks like a lack of stamina. Hopefully he'll get stronger and regain last year's form.

- Carlos Marmol is still The Balls.

-Kerry Wood has gone 3 for 3 and looked absolutely dominant since that debacle on Opening Day. Off the ledge, Cubs fans.

- Bob Howry managed to come in and pitch effectively to stop the bleeding in the 5th today. That was huge for the Cubs and Bob.

- All in all, 4-3 in the first weeks worth of game's is not too bad, after they dropped to 1-3 Friday I know even those most practical of Cubs fans were concerned.

On a side note, on Saturday night while visiting the girlfriend at her school near Des Moines, Iowa, the two of us caught the Iowa Cubs game vs. the Round Rock Express. I was excited as the starter for Round Rock, Runelvys Hernandez, was a guy who'd had some success in the majors and I wanted to see how the I Cubs players, including five who've played with the Cubs in the majors (Eric Patterson, Jake Fox, JD Closser, Koyie Hill, and poor Matt Murton), did against major league (relatively) pitching.

After they chased Hernandez with five runs in less than 3 innings, the team took a 7-3 lead into the top of the 7th. What followed was a 31 minute long, 9 run inning by the Express in which the I Cubs used 4 pitchers and got hammered. Final score? 16-8, Round Rock. Ouch. Fortunately, of the 5 pitchers used in the game, and who all got hammered, only one is on the Cubs 40 man roster, the rehabbing Juan Mateo. Mateo looks like he's got a way to go, as he struggled with mid 80's velocity and control. We left after they gave up 3 more runs in the top of the 8th, as the temperature had plummeted and the girlfriend was freezing to death. She did enjoy the game though, helped me to console Matt Murton, noted the Eric Patterson has a lot of power for a little guy (he homered), and she especially enjoyed the infant that sat next to us and stuck his tongue out at me every 3 seconds.

Matt Murton looked solid that game, going 2-4. Somebody help that poor kid out.

Anywho, the Cubs have won 3 in a row. Enjoy it.

Cubs Notch First Win of Season, Ryan Dempster Lives for 4 More Days

Do you like to get freaky? I like to get freaky.

The Cubs got on the board today with a 6-3 win over the Brewers. There were a lot of positives, Soriano got a hit, the team looked incredibly patient at the plate and chipped away at Dave Bush, Ramirez managed to crank a home run into the wind, Kerry rebounded to lock down his first save, and above all else Ryan Dempster looked damn good after the first inning. His control was solid, his stuff was breaking quite well, and he did a fine job of shutting down the Brewers for 5 of his 6 innings. Hopefully we can expect that effort the next couple days from Rich Hill and Jason Marquis.

The win moves the Cubs to 1-2 with Houston coming in for three games at Wrigley starting at 1:20 tomorrow. Hopefully a few wins against the back of the Astros rotation will give us a solid beginning to the season, rather than the slow start of last year.

Go Cubs.

Cubs- Brewers 1:20 PM, April 2, 2008

Pitching Match-up: Ted Lilly (Cubs) (15-8, 3.83 ERA in 2007) vs. Jeff Suppan (Brewers) (12-12, 4.62 ERA in 2007)

Cubs Lineup
SS- Ryan Theriot
LF- Alfonso Soriano
1B- Derrek Lee
3B- Aramis Ramirez
RF- Kosuke Fukudome
2B- Mark Derosa
C- Geovany Soto
CF- Felix Pie
P- Ted Lilly

Brewers Lineup
2B- Rickie Weeks
CF- Gabe Kapler
1B- Prince Fielder
LF- Ryan Braun
3B- Bill Hall
RF- Corey Hart
SS- JJ Hardy
P- Jeff Suppan (god damn Ned Yost)
C- Jason Kendall

Cubs Preview- 3/17/08

Sorry for the delay over the weekend, but I am home on spring break with the girlfriend and she kept me away from the computer, but at least I used the time off to convert her from the dangerous waters of Red Sox fandom and have educated her enough that she can name the Cubs starting lineup and rotation. So I've got that going for me. Anywho, on with the previews, of which I must do three..

Roster Spot 16- P- Jason Marquis #21

Ht:6'1'' Wt: 210 Bats: Left Throws: Right

If its May, that's a strike. If it's August, Duck.

For Jason Marquis' entry, I've decided to a pro/con on why you should like/hate Jason

Pro: Jason won 12 games last year.

Con: Had a 5.73 ERA after the All-Star Game last season.

Pro: When I made it to Wrigley last season for the only game I saw live, Jason pitched and hit a home run against the White Sox.

Con: In that game Jason gave up 5 runs and got a no decision after being bailed out by Derrek Lee's grand slam.

Pro: Jason has pitched well this spring with an ERA of 2.00 in 3 starts.

Con: Jason has shown disdain for the idea of a competition for a rotation spot and said early in spring training that if he did not win a spot he would like to be traded.

Pro: Lowered his ERA by nearly a 1 1/2 runs from 2006 to 2007.

Con: 2006 ERA was 6.02.

Pro: Has an impressive (for a pitcher) .224 batting average.

Con: Hit just .151 last year.

Pro: Could be traded for Brian Roberts

Con: Has not been traded for Brian Roberts yet.

Roster Spot 18- CF- Felix Pie #20
Ht: 6'2'' Wt: 170 Bats: Left Throws:Left

Oy...my balls

For today's preview of the Cubs top position player prospect and current front runner for the center field starting job, I decided to interview Felix Pie himself.

Code Red: So, Felix, tell me why you merit the starting job over Sam Fuld or a trade acquisition, say, Coco Crisp?

Felix: Mang, have you ever seen Sam Fuld hit a ball? No, you ain't. I'm hittin .329 this spring with two homers.

Code Red: But last year in the majors you only managed a .215 average with a .271 obp.

Felix: Yeah, and Sam managed a .000. Woop ti fucking do. And Coco Crisp? That guy hit .268 and struck out 85 times with a mediocre .330 obp, better than my numbers, yeah, but this team needs another right-handed hacker like I need another twisted testicle.

Code Red: So you feel you deserve the starting job in center?

Felix: Yeah, I mean I'm a top prospect, I've spent four full years in the minors, hit well at every level, and have played well this spring. Oh, and I ALMOST LOST A F&%KING TESTICLE FOR THIS TEAM! Come on! Did you Hear the description of what I had to have done? "The surgery involves sewing the outer layer of the testicle to the scrotum wall. The Cubs said it was a minor procedure, and if the problem was not corrected soon, Pie would risk losing the testicle."Mother fucking SEWING my nut. SEWING! I got my nuts sewed for this team! I mean shit, what would you do if Grandma came in with her knitting needles and told you you could play major league centerfield, but she had to weave your boys into a scrotum quilt! I did that for this team! and they called that a minor procedure? Are they calling the risk of me losing my sack a minor risk or are they just saying my boys are minor, because neither's true damnit.

Code Red: Ok I can see this is a "teste" subject for you..

Felix: Oh, you're fucking hilarious man, yeah, you're great. Man, fuck you.

Code Red: So how do you respond to those people who say that with your strikeouts and low obp and the fact that you wear the same number that you're really just the second coming of Corey, I'm sorry, Korey Patterson.

Felix: Corey Patterson? That bitch? Man I am leagues ahead of that guy. Literally, leagues, as in AA and AAA. Corey played 2 1/2 season in the minors and didn't hit above .261 after A-Ball, then got shot ahead to the majors. I've spent almost 6 full season in the minors and I never hit below .283 at any level, and had a .300 career average. My obp in the minors? .355.

Corey's? .334. Last year in the majors I had a 3:1 strikeout to walk ratio as a rookie. Corey's rookie year? 5.5:1 and his career for a whole is 4.6:1. Alright, yeah, I had a little trouble hitting as a rookie, but man give me a fucking chance.

Code Red: Well you certainly make a compelling argument for the starting job Felix. How do you feel about Ronny Cedeno taking some innings in center field this spring to possibly be your backup?

Felix: Cedeno? Ronny Cedeno? Christ, that guy's so retarded I saw him sniffing his jock the other day and sticking his tongue in there out of curiosity. I'd send him to Baltimore even if they don't send Roberts back.

Code Red: Felix, you have my vote.

Felix: Thanks, mang.

Cubs Preview 3/12/08

Roster Spot 19- P-Scott Eyre #47
Ht:6'1'' Wt: 215 (oh come on) Bats: Left Throws: Left

Hefty man

I know what you're thinking, "please don't be so lame as to use the 'Scott Eyre' has ADHD so thats why he had such a different first and second half last season last year, he had trouble paying attention LOL' joke!" Well, I'm not. Personally I blame Scott Eyre's bad first half on being a fat, lazy, mediocre reliever. His blistering hot second half? Well, still fat, but after seeing the fate of Will Ohman and fearing losing his job to the wrath of Lou Piniella, a lot less lazy and more effective. Eyre's stats for 2007:

First Half: 27 games, 30 innings pitched, 0-1, 6.60 era.

Second Half: 28 games, 22.1 inn., 2-0, 0.81 era.

Total: 52 games, 52.1 inn., 2-1, 4.13 era.

Pretty much anyone who watched the Cubs last year saw the disaster that was Scott Eyre when he would waddle from the bullpen to the mound with his gasoline can in his hands, determined to set fire to the whole situation. This was no more evident than on April 18 when he gave up 3 runs in only 2/3 of an inning and the Cubs lost the game against the Atlanta Braves 8-6. Everytime he made his way into the game Cub fans either held their breath or screamed "oh fuck no, its Scott Eyre!"

Then, post all-star break Eyre responded by being nearly untouchable, giving up all of 2 runs in his 28 appearances, finishing the season with a 19 game scoreless appearance streak.

So who will we see in 2008? First half tubby or second half tubby? Well his spring numbers indicate the former, as he's 0-1 with a 9.82 era in four games. But spring numbers are always circumspect, as I doubt Derrek Lee will hit .143 this season, and really they only are taken in to account for guys battling for a roster spot. Scott's spot, unfortunately, is guaranteed so we'll have to wait and see. My guess is we can expect Scott to be neither the fiasco of April-June or the stud of July-October, but more of a consistently mediocre guy with an era hovering in the 3.50-4.50 range all year.

Cubs Preview #2- 3/11/08

Roster Spot 20- C- Henry "Hank White" Blanco #24
Ht:5'11'' Wt: "220" (bullsh*t) Bats: Right Throws: Right

Such grace..such poise..

To have been a Cubs fan since the 2005 season is to have witnessed the rise of one of baseball's greatest heroes. Henry "Hank White" Blanco is more than just a ballplayer. Hank is hope in human form. When we see his mulleted head, his tribal arm tattoos, and his wispy goatee kneeling down behind the plate, we know that we have a damn good, if not guaranteed, chance to win that ball game. From the moment of Hank's arrival, he has inspired his own fervently devoted group of Cub followers, the Hank White Fan Club. (http://hankwhitefanclub.wordpress.com/)

While that group, with its hallmarks such as the Hank White Equivalent Batting Average, and the Hank-o-Meter can give far better justice to our warrior, I shall do my best.

But if Hank is this team's greatest player, you ask, how can he not even be the starter at catcher? Hank's rare combination of good looks, powerful throwing arm, and poise at the plate cannot be unleashed every day. No, he must be reserved for the situation that is truly his calling: Carlos Zambrano.

Except on opening day, whenever Carlos strides the mound this year you'll most likely see Hank walking out to home plate. Together they are the Cubs unbeatable Latin Gladiator duo. If Carlos is indeed El Torro, or The Bull, as he has named himself (and everyone else fell in line in sheer terror), then Hank is The Matador, for only he can truly tame Carlos. Many would say that the rise in Carlos' era and losses last year can be attributed to his contract situation, I attest it solely to the fact that Hank spent most of the campaign on the DL and played in only 22 games. In 2005 and 2006, with Hank as his near-fulltime catcher, Carlos was 14-6 and 16-7 with era's of 3.26 and 3.41. In 2007, with Hank on the DL and Carlos left at the mercy of the Michael Barrett/Jason Kendall/Koyie Hill/Rob Bowen four-headed catching blunder, Carlos finished 18-13 with a 3.95 era.

But besides statistics, which can be manipulated by anyone to suit any purpose and 35% of people know that, Hank has one true talent for managing Carlos: Balls. I remember a game in 2005 in which Carlos was struggling to throw a strike. I mean couldn't find the strike zone with GPS. Hank responded by coming out from behind the plate, meeting with Carlos, exchanging a few words, and going back. Carlos struck out the next batter, ended the inning, was calm throughout and the Cubs won the game. What were Blanco's secret words of wisdom? Zambrano went on record as saying, quote, "Henry said he would slap me if I didn't throw a strike". The power to instill fear in the Bull himself. The power of Hank White. A power notably lacking in a certain former Cubs catcher who found himself paired up with Carlos last year, resulting in this:

Another power of Hank's not shared by most other Cub catchers include the ability to throw out baserunners. In his career Hank has thrown out nearly 43% of all attempted base stealers, well above the major league average of 27%.

Thus we come to the conclusion that Hank White=Baseball God. But why no start? Well, Hank is a weary man, who has come to the conclusion that he must extend his greatness beyond the baseball world soon, and has graciously decided to stay along with the Cubs long enough to train their current starter and his apprentice, Geovany Soto. I mean seriously, is there any better mentor for this guy:

Than this guy:

Viva Hank White!

Cubs Preview 3/11/08

Roster Spot 21- P- Jon Lieber #32

Ht:6'22'' Wt:240 Bats: Left Throws: Right

Jon Lieber circa 2001: Age 6 years to ferment mediocrity

If you're like me, when you heard in January that the Cubs were bringing back their one time ace for a second go-round, you couldn't help but go back in time to the summer of 2001, when Don Baylor was manager, Sosa was in his prime and still adored, Ricky Gutierrez was second on the team in rbis, Fred McGriff was supposed to be our savior and sucked balls, and Matt Stairs brought hope to the chubby masses. In that year, Jon Lieber was as good as it gets and lead the National League in games started and innings pitched, with a 20 win campaign and an All Star invite. Jon's line for the season?


34 games, 34 games started, 232.3 innings pitched, 20-6, 3.80 era.


Which was the third season in a row in which Jon posted 200+ innings and had double digit wins, and the first in which he became a true major league ace.


Those 2001 Cubs came so close, contending for a playoff spot until the last week of the season before wilting and finishing a respectable 88-74, and with Lieber and the then healthy Kerry Wood as the bedrocks of their staff, the Cubs looked forward to contending in 2002.


But, as always happens with the Cubs, the wheels fell off for both the team and Lieber. With the Cubs falling to 65-97, Jon struggled to a 6-8 record through his first 21 starts of the year before blowing out his elbow.

After having Tommy John surgery to repair the elbow, Lieber spurned the Cubs contract offer and signed a two year deal with the Yankees and spent the 2003 season recuperating before leading the Yankees in wins with 14 in 2004. Lieber then bounced to the Philadelphia Phillies where he did even better by posting a 17 win season and looked to be the same pitcher of 2001. Then in 2006 Lieber fell to 9-11, and entered the 2007 fighting to keep his spot in the Phillies rotation, failed, and was sent to the bullpen. After managing to land in the rotation once more due to injuries to several other members of the rotation, Lieber went a mediocre 3-6 with a 4.73 era before ending his season prematurely with a torn ankle ligament, and was released by the Phillies in October.


So, twice stricken with season-ending injuries and coming off of the least productive season of his career, Jon rejoined the team where he enjoyed his greatest success, and once more finds himself fighting for a rotation spot. Due to the recent strong outings by Ryan Dempster and Marquis, Lieber is more than likely going to find himself in the bullpen when the season starts.
Once the ace, now the sixth best starting option. Its not entirely stupid to wish for the old Lieber again, and to think that he's still only 2 seasons removed from a 17 win campaign. But 2001 is gone, Sosa is retired, and reality is reality, and that reality is that this is not the Jon Lieber we knew.

Cubs Preview #2 3/10/08

I have to do two of these today and tomorrow each to get caught up in the "one each day till opening day" groove because weekends tend to keep my away from the computer. So onto..

Roster Spot #22- P- Michael Wuertz #43
Ht: 6'3'' Wt:205 Bats: Right Throws:Right

I remember your rookie year, Michael, you were no star

Michael Wuertz is now in what will be his fourth year in his semi-permanent position as the Cubs right handed specialist/slider specialist/6th inning guy. Wuertz is also still in his semi-permanent position as the least interesting personality on the team (though Rich Hill tries). Wuertz first came up with the Cubs in 2004 as a rookie, and was promptly cast in to the fire by Dusty Baker, who was desperate to shed his "doesn't play young guys" label. Wuertz responded by giving up 13 runs in his first 20 games (17 innings) to wind up with a first half era of 6.75 era. Wuertz did redeem himself in the second half, however, finally managing to get his devastating slider to work at the major league level. Wuertz' numbers since the 2004 second half show the drastic change from rookie schlup to bullpen fixture:

2004 (2nd half): 11 games, 11 innings, 1-0, 0.77 era.

2005: 75 games, 75.7 innings, 6-2, 3.81 era.

2006: 41 games, 40.7 innings, 3-1, 2.66 era.

2007:73 games, 72.3 innings, 2-3, 3.48 era.

As you can tell from these numbers, especially the amazing correlation between apperances and innings pitched, when he enters the game Michael usually is a one-inning-only effective middle reliever. So why do Cubs fans fail to embrace him?

Because he looks like this:

Yeeesh.

Cubs Preview 3/10/08

Roster Spot #23- SS-Ronny Cedeno #5
Ht: 6'0'' Wgt:180 Bats: Right Throws: Right

Seriously..I have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to do

Alright, I'm going to be honest with you people. I originally said I was going to rank these backwards from worst to first, but really, I can't defend a stance that says Cedeno is actually better than two other baseball players on this roster. Or Anywhere. But, for whatever reason the Cubs organization still has a boner for this guy (unless we trade him for Roberts? Eh? Eh?), so he'll make the roster. Cedeno has had a fairly interesting rise out of nowhere and rapid fall from grace as a Chicago Cub. In 2005, we all heard about this amazing rookie shortstop who was tearing it up for the Iowa Cubs at a .355 avg, .403 obp, 6 hr, 48 rbi pace. At that time, the Cubs shorstop was Nomar Garciaparra so..oh...right, Nomar wasn't playing. Why was that again?

Oy, that'll do it.

After Nomar tore his laddies off trying to run out a double play, the Cubs were forced to look for options at shorstop. Neifi Perez got the first crack at the job, and rather than vent my rage toward Neifi, which would take many, many more articles, I'll just skip past his putrid numbers and discuss what happened as Neifi hit his .259, .229, .233 May, June, and July slump (or career average, whatever) and the fans began to clamor for his replacement, the young star rocking the Pacific Coast League (has anyone EVER explained why the IOWA Cubs are in the PACIFIC COAST League?). Cedeno was finally called up and tantalized the Cubs while pissing off Dusty Baker for being too young and possibly talented to be worthy of the love that Dusty bestowed upon Neifi, which lead to Neifi still playing in 154 (!) games to Ronny's 40.

Ronny's 2005: 40 games, 80 at bats, .300 avg, .356 obp, .375 slugging. 1 hr, 6 rbi.

In spring 2006 Ronny was given the starting job over Neifi by Dusty (with a lot, lot, lot of pressure from the Cubs front office no doubt) and Cubs fans had high hopes for their first legitimate shortstop since Shawon Dunston. Yes, all of our shorstops up until Ryan Theriot have sucked so badly that Shawon Dunston now looks like an actually major league ballplayer in retrospect. If you read that sentence without painful memories, you, sir, are most likely an alcoholic.

The 2006 season, as all Cub fans remember, turned into a shit fucking disaster after Derrek Lee went down in the team's 14th game and the Cubs floundered to 66-96, fired Dusty (there is good in all darkness, my sons) and Cedeno did his part to contribute to the world of suck. Cedeno's numbers in his first full season are as follows:

151 games, 534 at bats, .245 average, .271 obp, .339 slugging, 6 hrs, 41 rbi.

Cedeno was an atrocious hitter, with a lack of patience that resulted in 109 strikeouts vs only 17 walks. 17! But at least he was a good defensive shorstop?

Actually.... no. Cedeno managed to suck so badly at shorstop in making 23 errors that he was moved to second base, where he still managed to make 2 more errors, wrapping up with a solid 25 errors. For comparison, Ryan Theriot, considered to be an average quality fielding shorstop made only 11 errors last year playing shorstop, third, and second base.

By 2007 the idea of Cedeno starting was laughable to everyone in the Cubs organization, especially under new, no-nonsense (read: not an idiot. also read: not Dusty Baker) manager Lou Piniella, and yet Cedeno somehow still managed to make the team as the backup shorststop behind Cesar Izturis (forget about Cesar? you lucky bastard). After Cesar proved himself just as inept as Ronny and Lou skipped over Cedeno in the shorstop rotation and made Theriot the starter, Cesar found himself in Pittsburgh and Ronny found himself back in Iowa. Cedeno made a brief appearnce back with the club during the second half, playing the key roles of "live body" and "guy who runs for Daryle Ward".

Ronny's 2007:
38 games, 74 at bats, .203 avg., .231 obp, .392 slugging, 4 hrs, 13 rbis.

So you're probably wondering why he's still on the team for what looks to be a fourth consecutive season. Maybe, you say, he can run well and steal a few bases for a team that tends to lack speed outside of Soriano, Pie, Theriot, and hopefully Fukudome?

Well, Cedeno has managed to translate the 85 stolen bases of his minor league career into 11 stolen bases in the majors. He's also managed to be caught 9 times. So out of 20 major league steal attempts, Cedeno has been successful only on 55%. That's over half, so good, right? He's at least successful more often than not, even if its only marginal? Well, actually the major league average for stolen base percentage in 2007 was 74%. So Ronny's only 19% below average in that category, a marked improvement over his 100% below in every other.

So now we've established that Cedeno sucks at 1) Hitting 2) Getting on Base 3) Fielding 4) Baserunning

So what's left to prove that Cedeno has no place on a major league roster? His pure, unadulterated stupidity. During a game against the St. Louis Cardinals, with the Cubs down 2-1 in the bottom of the 9th, Cedeno enters the game as a pinch-runner. On a pitch to Jacque Jones, Cedeno tries to steal second base. Jones walks on the pitch, so Cedeno is automatically safe at 2nd, right? Wrong.

Cedeno overslides second base on his phantom steal and manages to get tagged out. On a walk. 2 out, Cubs lose.

So there you have it. Ronny Cedeno is not a major league baseball player. This spring he's hitting a whopping .190 with no homers and 1 rbi, and Lou is trying him in the outfield to give him the ability to suck at three different positions. What, it's not fair to use his spring numbers against him? Derrek Lee is hitting only .143 this spring? Right, well, when Ronny hits .317 with a .400 obp like Derrek did, he can take the spring off too.

I hate you Ronny.

Cubs Preview 3/7/08

Roster Spot #24- Sean Marshall/Kevin Hart
Just like yesterday, I'm not sure which of these two will lock up a spot, maybe even both will so here's another twofer.

P- Sean Marshall #45

Uh..Sean...that's not the mound

Height: 6'7'' Weight:205 Bats: Left Throws: Left

2007: 21 Games, 19 games started, 7-8, 3.97 era, 1.37 whip

I really dont know why the Cubs seem to be so opposed to having Sean in the fifth starter spot. His ERA was better than all three of his competitors, Marquis, Dempster, and Lieber last year and he seems to be a relatively talented young pitcher, who took the majority of starts in the fifth spot after the end of the disaster that was Wade Miller last May, and performed well, especially for an end of the rotation guy. However, the Cubs organization just doesn't trust him, having gone so far as to trade for the rotting corpse of Steve Trachsel (mother fucking Steve Trachsel!) last September to keep Sean from starting key games in September. Not only that, but the entire Cubs organization and its fans seem to have renamed Sean as Trade Bait, as every single trade rumor involving the Cubs has Sean being shucked. Seriously, ask any Cubs fan who knows the roster about a trade they want to see the team make and see how quickly they say "well if we give them Marshall...". They'll say it every time.

P- Kevin Hart #22

Height: 6'4'' Weight: 215

2007: 8 games, 0 starts, 11.0 innings pitched. 0-0, 0.82 era, 1.00 whip.

Kevin was a surprise to the Cubs organization last year, winning its Minor League Pitcher of the Year award and earning a September call up to the big league club, where he posted those solid numbers in a very short sample of games. Hart was impressive enough to make his way onto the postseason roster for the Cubs, but did not make an appearance against the Diamondbacks. Hart is currently competing for one of the bullpen spots, and has so far had a very good spring, having not allowed a run in three games. Chances are he'll make the final cut as a middle reliever.