Please Man...

Do you speak to I?

Please just let Kyle be OK? Please?!

Code Red Returns!

and sacrilege for all..

Yes, my children, it is I. I who is the sworn rival of Iggins! I who named this site, and I who have been gone from it for so long. But what must I address, in this non-Bears, non-Cubs, end of Illini football darkness?

-Yes, the Rose Bowl was an unmitigated disaster, but the next Illini fan I hear bemoaning it can just suck a fat cock. Look, clearly the reason you people are still upset about the Rose Bowl is that you weren't actually Illinois football fans before this year, thus the defeat meant the end of something to you. To me, and every other fan who suffered through 1-10, 4-7, 2-9, and 2-10 seasons the past four years, this season was a blessing that no maiming at the hands of John David's Booty could tarnish.

-The Bears ended the season with two impressive wins, and our boy Kyle has given us a glimmer that he may be the man we want him to be. My long held opinion is that an incentive laden contract should be given to Rex, Brian Griese should be cut, a quarterback should be drafted in the 2nd, 3rd, or possibly 4th round (Brennan? Henne?) and Rex and Kyle should duel it out for the starting job while the rookie is brought along as insurance. Our first round pick should logically be a lineman or a safety, but like Iggins!, I personally would love to see it turn out to be Rashard Mendenhall.

-Illini basketball is a tragedy, as divine justice demands that I not be able to celebrate two college sports in one year. Iowa basketball is equally tragic, despite one magical win. Also, where's your list of final four appearances? At least I can remember a time when I didn't have to celebrate my team beating Michigan State, because it happened regularly.

-Please God, let baseball season come soon.

By the Gods

(Roughly one year ago, in a room filled with fire and darkness.)



Peyton: Goshdarn is it hot in here. I wish I hadn't decided to come all formal... I must have pit-stains down to my balls. Golly jee! When is he gonna get in here?

Door opens behind Peyton. In walks:



Satan, ruler of darkness, lord of the underworld: "Peyton! I was just betting with God on how long it'd take you to get your ass in here! But, fuck me, here you are, not an hour later. Looks like I win, douchebag! (brazenly flips bird upwards. somewhere God is frowning)


Peyton: "Miroslav Satan? Well, I'll be. I always had my suspicions, but you're really the devil himself?"

Satan: "I'm also Corey Patterson, Big and Rich, and Drew Neitzel."

Peyton: "You slick son-of-a-gun."


Yes, he HAS been at MSU forever.

Satan: "Flattery ain't worth shit, son, so let's get down to business! You want to sell your soul for a Super Bowl run?"

Peyton: "In a way, sir. I'd like to propose a good-ol' proposition, if it pleases the unending void of evil standing before me."

Satan: "Fuck, whatever, hit me with it."

Peyton: "Instead of selling MY soul for a Super Bowl win, I'd like to sell my brother Eli's"

Satan: "Oh, now that is some FUCKED UP shit there, boy. This is some straight up Berserk shit. Why the hell would a choir-boy like you want to sell your brother to Satan?"

Peyton: "He's just so goshdarned aggravatin' to watch! It's more painful than watchin the Bears! I feel I'd be doin society a favor."

Satan: "Hmmm. Alright, fuck it, I accept. But selling someone elses soul only works for one year! After that, you're back to goin at the playoffs by your lonesome, asshole."

Peyton: "Deal."

ONE YEAR LATER



Peyton: "Goshdangit. I shoulda sold Marvin."

NEWSFLASH! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

*It has been brought to my attention that my high school classmate and U of I student Nick Heiar, is actually in this picture, if you look above the head of the Cubs hat wearing fat kid on the left, the one who looks like he is going to consume the camera, you will see a man in an orange ball cap looking to the left. That is our boy.

Oh LORD! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! There are no words for what you have given me this evening! I feel as though someone has dissolved cocaine in Jack Daniels, then added John Wayne's ashes to the mix and injected it straight into my veins. I asked for a miracle, and it was granted. What surprises you more? [Redacted] going for it on fourth down after an OSU timeout and actually making Jim fucking Tressel look like a moron? What about Todd Boeckman heaving the ball up three times for interceptions while Juice Williams transformed himself into the epitome of calm. Four tds, no turnovers, 1 PENALTY! Somehow, this team played its way into a miracle, that they shall cherish forever. I remember four years ago an Illinois team limped its way to 1-10, just two years after a 10-2 Big Ten Title team. I knew a decline so steep and so fast would take years to recover. Four years later a 7-3 team marched into the fucking horseshoe and denied a national title to Ohio State. If Juice or Rashard Mendenhall asked me to bend the laws of nature and my own right wing ideology and have their love children, I would. In droves. This tastes sweeter than any victory I have ever watched in my life(easy to do, as I root for Zero teams that have won championships in my lifetime). Iggins! may have his Floyd of Rosedale, and I shall honor his bragging this week. Were Hilary Clinton to approach me this day I would say "Madame, this day our quarrel rests. I bear malice toward none, on this day." For the Lord looked down upon Columbus, Ohio, saw the Fighting Illini, and said "It is Good".

Now I'm off to get shitfaced.

Calling In A Favor

Our Father
Who art in Heaven
I know I am not Catholic
But really, grant me, your holy follower
Without the weird like wine and Latin Chanting
the following favor

Oh Lord!
See it in thine divine glory to grant the University of Illinois
Ye of the Fighting Illini
The glory of victory on the field of football
Against the Ohio State Buckeyes

I am not so heritical,
Oh Merciful One
To assume that the all knowing creator owes me anything personally
But really, you were cruel about that whole Iowa game

Yea, my arrogance preceding said game was mighty
Yea, you did smite me down
Yet I remain the most arrogant man this side of Terrell Owens
But will humble myself before you should you find it in your divine wisdom
To inexplicably fell the sweater vested one, Jim Tressel,
Before he whom we have [Redacted]

So give us on Saturday our powerful upset
And make LSU and Oregon 1 & 2
And Justice shall reign
And happiness shall be thy verdict

Yea, grant us this wish, Oh Lord
Amen