Bears 13, Lions 7- These ARE Your Father's Lions

The box score will tell you this game was close, but it really wasn't. The Lions never stood a chance of winning this game, no matter how many unnecessary roughness penalties they racked up (2), or how badly they tried to knock Cutler out of the game. This Bears defense proved once again tonight that they'll shut down anyone, anywhere, and they will punch your balls out repeatedly.

The Bears move to 5-1, maintaining control of the division, while the probably-fucked Lions dropped to 2-4, proving that, hey, Detroit is still Detroit after all. I mean, there was a time in the 90s when the Lions weren't consistently awful. They were just awful the year after meaningless playoff appearances. Welcome back:

Onto the specifics:

THE GOOD:

Jay Cutler: The numbers weren't there, but anyone who saw the game will know why he's up here first. I've certainly argued against the "Jay Cutler is a wuss" crowd in the past, but even if it wasn't already the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard before tonight, after tonight I hope to never hear it again. As long as #6 is the quarterback of the Bears, I'll be happy, because he's a bad-ass mother fucker.

Matt Forte/Michael Bush: 28 rushes, 132 yds, 4.7 ypc. This combo works, and I'm glad they committed to it, even if they forgot it at the goal line (more on that later).

Julius Peppers: He had another sack, but disrupted the Lions on many plays, including Stafford's game-clinching interception. He's got more help than ever now, but he's still the star of the show.

The Rest of the D-Line: They finished with three sacks, but Stafford was hurried and harassed most of the night, and it showed. Shea McClellin had a half a sack, because fuck Hub Arkush.

Charles Tillman: He blanketed Megatron again, holding him to just 34 yards receiving. He broke up a touchdown pass right before a turnover that kept Detroit off the board. He punched a ball out (even if the fumble went out of bounds) because Charles Tillman is very good at football.

THE BAD:

Gabe Carimi: I'm getting really tired of putting him here. At some point you've got to be able to block SOMEBODY in pass protection, Gabe. Please don't be Gabe Colombo.

Stupid Penalties: Several of them killed drives, drove starting field position back to the shadow of the endzone, and made the f*&king Lions look disciplined. Unacceptable.

Mike Tice: Christ, Mike. We've been over this. His name is Michael Bush. He's a fucking battering ram. Detroit showed no interest in stopping him at all tonight. Just give him the ball when you're at the fucking 3 yard line and it's 17-0 Bears and Jay can rest his ribs for an extra quarter.

Ndamukong Suh: Okay. That hit may not have been illegal, but fuck you. Overrated sack of shit.

Matthew Stafford: Stafford was seconds away from picking a fight with DJ Moore's back all night, as he was clearly flustered and frustrated that P'Nut once again took away his favorite toy. Nice turf-face, Bitchford.

That's all for now. Others will say "it wasn't pretty." Maybe you think so if you don't enjoy watching Lovie's defense rack up takeaways at an absolutely epic rate. I, personally, thought it was fucking beautiful.

Go Bears.

Bears 37, Lions 13- Lights Out.

That's about how I feel about the Bear's performance on defense and special teams. Pretty nice that the offense's struggles were more or less irrelevant, especially since they spent most of the game simply running out the clock. The other two phases? Hell, that was the best performance I've seen since 2006, at least. Fox can blame Matt Stafford's gloves all they want, he was harried and harassed all day and he melted down. He couldn't even be bothered to tackle the guys he was telegraphing his passes too. It was glorious. Good to know Detroit and Chicago are both who I had thought they were. Some idiots out there, clinging to their feeble notions that the Lions are real contenders, will try to act like turnovers and special teams points are flukey, but as Bears fans, we know better, and there's a reason the Bears have dominated in both categories since Lovie came to town. All that matters at the end is the scoreboard, and the Bears would have won this game easily had Cutler, Forte, and co. not even have shown up. In the end, the Bears absolutely embarrassed their "rivals," and I use that term lightly because, as usual, Detroit didn't even belong on the same field. It was clear who the better team was today, in every way possible.

The Good:

-Devin Hester: He didn't even have to play the second half since he was still recovering from his injury and suffering from strep throat, but he did his damage early with two long returns, one of 'em for a TD, the other to set up a FG, and the TD especially was classic Hester. He dropped the ball. He stood there. He looked like he had no idea what to do and he was going to get nailed. Then BOOM. Touchdown. God I love that guy.

-The Secondary: 4 interceptions, one each from Tillman, Wright, Graham, and Jennings, with Tillman and Wright both taking theirs to the house. Stafford (more on his bitch ass later) was forced into countless scatter-armed throws. Tillman owned Calvin Johnson, who was held out of the end zone for the first time all year, and fumbled. Jennings, Tillman's protege, also forced a Nate Burleson fumble. So, six turnovers from one secondary. Awesome.

-Julius Peppers: He spent most of the second half of the blowout on the bench resting his knee, but he absolutely terrified Stafford in the first half, with one sack, a pass deflection, numerous hurries, and one not-technically-a-sack-sack in which he chased Stafford out of bounds. He's the man.

-Anthony Adams: The big man responded to his benching with 2 sacks. That's good to see.

-Briggs and Urlacher: 17 tackles, a fumble recovery, a couple of pressures. Whatever. Nothing to see here.

-Earl Bennett: 6 receptions for 81 yards before they shut it down. Man it's good to have the BBE back.

The Bad:

-The Offense: I'm not going to dwell on it, since they managed 140 yds and 10 pts (nearly 13 had Gould not missed in the wind) in the first half, but they struggled in pass protection, couldn't run the ball against a defense that keyed on it, and Cutler missed some throws. Then again, they've played well the last four games and they'll be fine. Detroit does have a good front seven, even if the rest of the team got embarrassed today.

-Roy Williams: Ran the wrong route on one third down, dropped another pass. Not fond of him.

The Ugly:

-Chris Williams: the kid had finally started to justify his draft spot by playing well at guard and now, by most accounts, he's down for the season with a wrist injury. Hopefully Eddie Williams is capable of stepping up. What a bummer. Otherwise I could see Webb, Spencer, Garza, Louis, Carimi left to right when Gabe gets back.

-Matthew Stafford: What a bitch. I have no other way of saying it. The little shitstain melts down the second he gets pressured, throws four interceptions, gets sacked three times, and then tries to man up by cheap-shotting DJ Moore and dragging him down by his facemask. What a pathetic excuse for a man. I hope he wrecks his fiberglass shoulder again.

-The rest of that pathetic fucking bunch: Suh's a dirty mother fucker and ripped off Jay's helmet after the whistle, then pushed him down later long after the play was dead. Fairley drove Cutler into the ground well after the ball had left his hands. Stafford's a whiny little bitch. Schwartz is a horse's ass, and I hope Lovie patted the shit out of his back after that. You're losers, Detroit, no matter what improvements you've made this year.


That's it for now. The Bears now hit the soft spot of the schedule, with the entire AFC West (including the Seahawks for old times sake) coming up. Keep rolling. Bear Down. I'm off to eat some of the Mrs' homemade fried rice. Life is good, folks. Unless your a little bitch like Matthew Stafford.