Prognostication Bukakke! NFL Week 3

Last week in the NFL was not all that kind as I was just 10-6 to Iggins! 11-5, but there's always room for a comeback.

Cleveland @ Baltimore
Code Red: Hey! Maybe Joe Flacco will finally not suck! Ravens win.

Iggins!: Yeah, seriously though, why did the Ravens pass the ball 40 times? Ray Rice people! Ravens win.

Tennessee @ NY Giants
Iggins!: The Tits looked badbadbad last week, and pulling Vince Young is like forcing a mental patient to watch a horror movie, but for one week I can fool myself into thinking the Tits will be okay. Titans win.

Code Red: Did you see the Giants absolute FAIL against the Colts running game? Yeah, CJ2K will murder them. Titans win.

San Francisco @ Kansas City
Code Red: Tough loss for the 49ers. I just don't see them going to 0-3. There's too much talent on defense for them to lose to KC. 49ers win.

Iggins!: Kansas City has no offense yet they are 2-0. The luck has to run out somewhere right? 49ers win.

Code Red: God dammit. I really liked that thing you did last year where you picked the Chiefs to win like 7 games and they lost all of them.

Dallas @ Houston
Iggins!: This is a really good team against a really mediocre team. And it’s the total opposite of the way it was a couple years ago. Texans win.

Code Red: The Texans beat Dallas in their first ever game. Remember those Texans? David Carr actually doesn’t thanks to all of the brain damage. I’m not sure what my point is. Texans win.

Buffalo @ New England
Code Red: Yeaaah. I know it's unlikely that Buffalo will go 0-16 this year, but I just can't imagine picking them ever. Especially not against New England. Pats win.

Iggins!: Yeah they suck big balls. New England wins.

Detroit @ Minnesota
Iggins!: Well… Favre sucks… and the Lions have looked good their first two games… plus it would be hysterical, so Lions win.

Code Red: Last week I picked the Vikings and Iggins! picked against them. And they lost. Let’s make it two for two. Vikings win (but don’t!).

Cincinnati @ Carolina
Code Red: Oh good. That smug bastard Jimmy Clausen gets to make his first start against a terrifying Bengals secondary. This should be fun to watch. Bengals win, Panthers really suck.

Iggins!: I like watching metrosexual douchebags get crushed. Bengals win.

Atlanta @ New Orleans
Iggins!: Much like how Red won’t pick the Bills, I can’t see myself picking against the Saints. Saints win.

Code Red: Yeah, despite the horrendous beatdown of a Cardinals team that’s as bad as any seen since they were led by a young Jake Plummer, I’m not jumping in with the Falcons-knob-schlobbing club. Saints win.

Pittsburgh @ Tampa Bay
Code Red: It is mildly concerning that Pittsburgh may not score a single point on offense with Charlie Batch's corpse or a gimpy Byron Leftwich at quarterback, but they'll probably still win this anyway. Steelers win.

Iggins!: Can defense carry Pittsburgh to 3-0 without Roethlisberger? Against Josh Freeman I think it certainly can. Steelers win.

Code Red: F%&k you. Freeman’s not that bad! ARMCOCK.

Washington @ St. Louis
Iggins!: Washington is pretty good, and the Rams just aren’t. Washington wins.

Code Red: Or how about Washington is pretty sorta decent, and the Rams aren’t. Skins win, but they’ll go 8-8.

Philadelphia @ Jacksonville
Code Red: I don't know that I buy this new and improved “passing” Michael Vick. But I do know that Jacksonville blows. Eagles win, unfortunately.

Iggins!: Jacksonville is the hardest team to pick in the league. One week they can beat the best team in the league and the next they could lose to the Browns by 30. I think the Eagles will win but only because I don’t know what will happen and I don’t want to lose a game to Red.

Indianapolis @ Denver
Iggins!: So a coach comes in and trades away all his best players, replacing them with mediocre players and high draft picks that aren’t working out. Coach should be fired. Do it before you’re totally buried, Denver. Colts win.

Code Red: Yeah, but now he’s got a bunch of mediocre players that buy into the system. So they’ll go 8-8 with heart and determination. Colts win.

San Diego @ Seattle
Code Red: If the Broncos can hand Seattle their ass like that, San Diego will probably have their starters on the bench by halftime. Chargers win big.

Iggins!: Yeah, week 1 was a fluke for the Hawks. Chargers win.

Oakland @ Arizona
Iggins!: Oh wow. What a shitty game. Lost in the Raiders drama is Darren McFadden, who appears to have matured into the beast we thought he would be. I like the Raiders here.

Code Red: Derek Anderson vs. Bruce Gradkowski. What a disgrace to the concept of passing. Bill Walsh just rolled over in his grave. This will be worse than watching dueling Jake Plummers. Ugh. Cardinals win.

NY Jets @ Miami
Code Red: I think Miami's defense is better than New England, and I think Rico Mirerez will revert to form this week. Dolphins win at home.

Iggins!: Yeah, Sanchez tends to have awful games followed by great ones followed by awful ones, etc., so I like Miami as well.

Code Red: RICO MIREREZ. Make it stick, asshole.

Green Bay @ Chicago
Code Red: I don't think I'm lying when I say this is the biggest Bears-Packers game of my lifetime. The Bears can prove they're actually good with a win at home against Green Bay, and I may not draw a breath until the final gun. Bears win. Please, Gods of Football?

Iggins!: This game pits what may be the second and third best NFC teams against eachother. I think the Packers are the second best but at home I think the Bears can win. Bears win.

Bears-Packers, A Brief History

A couple years ago I tried doing the whole "head to head" unit matchups during Hate Week, even though I think those are really pointless for the most part (well the Bears are winning 4 to 2, because their returners, kicker, tight ends, and uniform colors are better than Green Bays, even if Green Bay has the edge in offense and defense...) and after I of course made the conclusion that the Bears were better the Packers went ahead and bitch-slapped them 37-3. So instead of making any bold predictions or examining the matchups (Bears have better RBS!!! Lolz), I'm going to just review the recent Bears-Packers series.

2009
Packers 21 @ Bears 14
This game wasn't as frustrating as the opener last year, given that it wasn't a turnover-plagued mess and most of us had abandoned all hope anyway, but it was still painful. The sad part was the the Bears' battered and bruised defense once again held the Packers offense to a relatively low yardage total, forced two turnovers, and had three sacks. The offense just had absolutely no rhythm at all. Were there sacks? Oh yes, 3 of them. How about a total ineptitude at running the ball? Oh yes, just 59 yards on the ground, senor. And how about a complete lack of discipline in general? 13 PENALTIES FOR YOU! When you have nearly half as many penalty yards (109) as you do total offense (254), you, sir, have a terrible offense.

Bears 15 @ Packers 21
I'm not even sure I can or need to recap this. 4 interceptions in Cutler's debut. The single dumbest turnover on downs I've ever seen when Pat Mannelly snapped the ball to Garret Wolfe on 4th and A Million in Green Bay territory because he thought he saw 12 men on the field, which would have given the Bears less than half of the yardage needed for a first down. Urlacher snapping his wrist in two and ending his season after 2 quarters. Chris Collinsworth beginning his reign of terror in the broadcast booth. Nathan Vasher falling on his ass and allowing the easiest touchdown pass of Aaron Rodger's career. I give you all of these things without further comment. Now excuse me while I try to drill into my own skull to let the bad thoughts out.

2008
Packers 17 @ Bears 20
This victory for the Bears was the final one in what is, arguably, the ugliest 3 game winning streak in Bears history. The Bears beat the Jaguars, Saints, and Packers, while being out gained in 2 of those 3 games and failing to gain 300 yards of offense in any of the three. Orton posted a QB rating under 50 against the Packers (he also posted a similar rating against the Saints the week before), and somehow, true to Orton form, was the beneficiary of the best defense the Bears played all season long and a blocked field goal and won the game. This win set the Bears up at 9-6 and enabled them to kick us all in the crotch once more by laying an egg in Houston and missing the playoffs.

Bears 3 @ Packers 37
The Bears were awful against the pass in 2008 and were 5th in the NFL in run defense, while the Packers had been struggling to stop anything on defense and their run game on offense was struggling as well. The Bears were 5-4 after a close loss to the Titans without the red-hot Orton, while he had returned to face the 4-5 Packers. Outside of 2006, I'd never been more confident that the Bears would get a win in Lambeau. Instead, they got brutally assaulted in Roethlisbergian fashion as they sold out to stop the pass and instead gave up over 227 yards on the ground. The horror. The horror. Rex Grossman also made his last ever appearance in a Bears uniform during this game. So, there's that. Now let's never speak of this gain.

2007
Packers 7 @ Bears 35
The most disappointing Bears team of my lifetime (when considering my preseason expectations, God knows I wasn't counting on the 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, or 2004 teams to do much of anything) was somewhat mitigated by an inexplicable sweep of the Packers. You want to talk about inexplicable? How about racking up 35 points off of just 240 yards of total offense? Favre threw two picks, one of which Urlacher returned 85 yards for a TD (something a good friend of mine once called the play that he thought was going to "finally determine who the biggest dick in that pissing contest was") and Corey Graham also returned a blocked punt for a TD. The Bears thus had the joy of being 2 of the 3 losses the Packers suffered during their 13-3 season, returning the favor that Green Bay had given the 2001 Bears.

Bears 27 @ Packers 20
The Bears somehow won this game despite the fact that Cedric Benson rushed for just 64 yards on TWENTY-SEVEN ATTEMPTS (2.4 YPC), or that Green Bay actually outgained them 439-285, or that Brian Griese lived, breathed, and played quarterback for the Chicago Bears that day. Fortunately Brett Favre was Brett Favre and threw two picks that cost Green Bay the game. This brought the Bears up to 2-3 and gave us hope that they'd possibly right the ship. Instead they let Adrian Peterson set the NFL record for rushing yards the next week as they dropped to 2-4 and I became hopelessly addicted to black tar heroin.

2006
Packers 26 @ Bears 7
This was the game where Rex Grossman lost all but his most ardent supporters (and most of them deserted after the Superbowl, leaving me and Lovie Smith until the Cowboys abortion the next year) as he threw 3 picks, had a 0 rating, and admitted he didn't take this meaningless game seriously and was simply looking forward to enjoying New Year's Eve. Yeah, that shit was ugly. Favre racked up great numbers against a Bears defense that only played it's starters in the first half, then got all weepy afterwards and pulled his first offseason cocktease by saying how nice of a final game it would be to go out after beating such a great team (that didn't play it's starters for more than a half and had absolutely nothing to play for. This cannot be stated enough). I'd say that this game really sucked to watch, but, hell, it was New Year's Eve and it was a meaningless game. I was getting drunk.

Bears 26 @ Packers 0
The most satisfying win, in my opinion, that the Bears have enjoyed over Green Bay in my lifetime. Not even the division clinching win at Lambeau on Christmas Day the year before could compare to handing Favre his first ever shutout and kicking off a Superbowl run with an absolutely dominating performance. They outgained Green Bay 361-267. The defense forced 3 turnovers. Grossman threw for 262 yards and a TD and temporarily silenced the idiots who'd wanted to bench him for Brian Fucking Griese during the preseason. God, it was glorious. What a time to be alive.

2005
Bears 24 @ Packers 17
Regardless of what I said above, this game was still really fucking satisfying. The Bears held Favre without a TD pass and let him gift wrap their divsion title with 4 interceptions. Grossman returned in time to throw the first touchdown pass the Bears had seen in something like a decade, if I remember correctly, and all seemed well, as none of us knew then that Steve Smith was going to tie our grandmothers to a chair and force us to watch as he slowly and methodically committed unspeakable acts of depravity and horror.

Packers 7 @ Bears 19
I'm just going to post Brett Favre's statline for this game: 31/58 for 277 YDs, 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 2 sacks, 2 fumbles.

Actually, here's Favre's statline for both games against the 2005 Bears:
2 GS, 0-2, 61/109 (56.0%), 594 yds, 0 TDs, 6 INTs, 5.5 YPA, 48.5 rating, 6 sacks, 2 fumbles lost.

Giggity. There used to be a highlight reel of nothing but the 2005 Bears molesting Favre before the NFL bastards had it removed for copyright violation. If that was still on Youtube I'd probably never have needed a woman.

2004
Packers 31 @ Bears 14.
By the time this game rolled around the Bears, who actually had the #13th ranked scoring defense in the NFL, had lost 16 players to the IR, including Brian Urlacher, Rex Grossman, Mike Brown, John Tait, Ruben Brown, and pretty much every other starter they had at the beginning of the season (or so it felt). Thus we were left to watch Chad Hutchinson throwing 5 yard outs 29 times despite a 28-7 halftime deficit. The Bears also suffered the wrath of Craig Nall, as he torched them for 131 yards and a touchdown on just 13 passing attempts, as Favre hit the bench early in a meaningless game. Guh.

Bears 21 @ Packers 10
Long before that season ending debacle, however, the Bears gave us hope with this stunning upset at Lambeau. Thomas Jones burst into our hearts by 152 yards and a TD while the defense forced Favre into 2 interceptions and caused an Ahman Green fumble in the redzone that Mike Brown returned 95 yards for a touchdown. Unfortunately Brown tore his Achilles tendon on the play and began the injury streak that would ultimately doom his career. That was just the first of many season-ending injuries for the 2004 Bears, as Grossman would go down the next game against Minnesota and Brian Urlacher would suffer a near-fatal injury to his leg later in the season against the Titans.

So there you have all 12 games the Bears have played against the Packers in Lovie's era. Each team has had a few outright dominant performances (The Bears in Lambeau in 2004, 2005, and 2006 and Green Bay's total ass-whipping of the Bears in Lambeau in 2008) while each team's also preyed on the other in meaningless season-ending games featuring decimated or disinterested roster (the Packer beatdowns of 2004 and 2006, and the Bear's 35-7 rape in 2007). And each team has suffered some close losses in games they should have won (Green Bay's loss to Brian Griese, both Bear defeats last year). What this should tell you about Monday, well, I don't know. But fuck Green Bay.

Prognostication Bukakke! NCAA Week 4

Well, last week wasn't bad, as we both went 7-3 in our college picks. Hopefully we'll put some distance between us this week:

Miami @ Pittsburgh

Code Red: Neither of these teams is as good as they were last year. Not even close. That said, I expect a nice Jacory Harris rebound game against the Wannstache. Miami wins.

Iggins!: I don’t think it’s that they aren’t as good as they were last year, it’s more like they’re both just as mediocre and overhyped. Miami wins.

NC State @ Georgia Tech

Iggins!: Well the ACC is proving to be just like it always is; totally unpredictable and filled to the brim with shitty teams. That being said, GaTech should win this game easily… but even as I type that I’m practically guaranteeing a 30 point loss. GaTech wins.

Code Red: I truly hate to pick against the triple option, but NC State’s Russell Wilson is playing not awful right now, while GT’s offense allowed Kansas to score 28 points. Guh. NC State wins.

Stanford @ Notre Dame

Code Red: If ND couldn't slow down Michigan State they're not going to slow down Andrew Luck. Stanford wins big.

Iggins!: Well this won’t be close. Stanford wins.

Alabama @ Arkansas

Iggins!: This might be the hardest game Bama has on it’s schedule, but they’ll still win by 20. Alabama wins.

Code Red: Fuck it. Man crushes are man crushes for a reason. RYAN MALLETT’S ARMCOCK SHALL END THY STREAK. Armcockansas wins ( I really think Alabama will probably win, but in this world a man must stand for something).

South Carolina @ Auburn

Code Red: Both of these teams have been winning with defense. I'm not sure who is stronger. I'll take Auburn, because I think Cam Newton is less like to fuck up than Steven Garcia.

Iggins!: Auburn is pretty damn one-dimensional, and if they hadn’t been the loving recipient of the usual Clemson meltdown they might have gotten beaten pretty bad. I like South Carolina to win.

Kentucky @ Florida

Iggins!: Well Florida may be worse than last year, but they aren’t bad enough to lose to Kentucky. Florida wins.

Code Red: Make that 24 straight against Kentucky. Florida wins.

Oregon State @ Boise State

Code Red: Boise's last chance at a legitimate win. They won't let it slip away. Boise wins.

Iggins!: I bet when Oregon State scheduled TCU and Boise 5 or 6 years ago they didn’t expect to be playing two top 5 teams. It sucks too because Oregon State is probably going to come close to winning the Pac 10 (along with 5 other Pac 10 teams). Boise State wins.

West Virginia @ LSU

Iggins!: LSU kind of sucks. But so does the Big East. Basically this comes down to whether the Big East Champion can beat a middling SEC team… so I give the slight edge to Noel Devine. West Virginia wins.

Code Red: Yeah, but Baton Rouge is a terrifying fucking place to play road football. LSU wins.

California @ Arizona

Code Red: Yikes. After watching Nevada demolish Cal I don't see anyway that the talented Nick Foles can't carve apart the Cal defense while the Arizona defensive line murders some more people. Arizona wins.

Iggins!: Arizona certainly looked good last week, and I now need Arizona to lose exactly twice this year, and I think that’ll happen against Oregon and Oregon State. So Arizona wins.

Oregon @ Arizona State

Iggins!: The Pac 10 has 5 teams who have a legit shot at the conference title. ASU isn’t one of them. Oregon wins.

Code Red: AZ State actually has a defense, so they may hold Oregon under 50. But that’s about it. Oregon wins.

(Apologies for the god awful formatting. Blogger really hates when you copy from Word and I don't understand the first damn thing about HTML.)

NFL Roundup, Week 2

Steelers 19, Titans 11
The Steelers defense is very good. This shouldn't surprise anybody. I'm not at all surprised that they made Vince Young curl up in the fetus position and then sent him to the bench. I think they may lose to the Ravens (maybe. Joe Flacco's playing about as well as whatever the Steelers start at QB), but a 3-1 start is looking likely, even without Roethlisberger. Damn I hate the Steelers.

Bengals 15, Ravens 10
Has Ray Lewis Ever lost a game in his career where he didn't blame the officials? You know what, other than those two roughing calls you're so pissed about, may have changed the game around, Ray? If you're quarterback didn't cough up 4 interceptions. That might have done it. Nice rebound effort by the Bengals defense. I thought they were better than what they showed against the Patriots.

Eagles 35, Lions 32
There's a lot of conclusions one can draw about this game that may not be correct. One would be that Michael Vick has finally learned how to pass and that the Eagles are foolish to go back to Kevin Kolb. I'm not sold on that one, but f*&k them either way. The other is that the Lions offense might actually be pretty good, meaning it's actually kinda impressive that the Bears held them to 168 yards. Either way, it sucks for Detroit that they blew this game. If Matthew Stafford were back I'd probably pick them to drop Minnesota to 0-3.

Falcons 41, Cardinals 7
Oh man. I didn't give the Derek Anderson-"led"-Cardinals a chance to win this game, but the complete and utter defensive meltdown was a tad unexpected. Looks like an even more brutal season for Arizona than I thought. They may be as bad as they were with a young Jake Plummer at the helm.

Dolphins 14, Vikings 10
Oh man. What a joy. I was up visiting my fiancee in the middle of Iowa this weekend (not a great place for picking up very extensive NFL coverage on the radio, by the way) and hit the road shortly after the Bears and Vikings games had ended. The only AM football station I could find was the Vikings post-game and it was glorious. Favre basically blamed Berrian for the two awful picks he threw in his direction, the fans somehow also found a way to blame the receivers, Paul Allen ripped Favre a new asshole (which, combined with this call, makes Paul Allen my hero), while the two meatheads running the post-game show also ranted about how rusty he looked. It was so beautiful that I shed a single tear.

Chiefs 16, Browns 14
The Chiefs win again despite Matt Cassel being a total liability. If they don't do something about him soon they're going to sacrifice what might actually be a totally-not-awful season for them. Oh, and Cleveland really sucks.

Buccaneers 20, Panthers 7
Called it. The Bucs are certainly much better than last year, even if they've played two awful teams. I think 7 wins or maybe even 8 could be a possibilty (Rams, Bucs, Lions, Seahawks, Panthers, Cardinals all left on the schedule and all games the Bucs could win).

Packers 34, Bills 7
This tells us absolutely nothing, really. Green Bay is good. Possibly really good. The Bills are most certainly dogshit. See you Monday, Aaron Rodgers.

Broncos 31, Seahawks 14
I probably shouldn't have picked the Seahawks, as one win may not exactly=turnaround, but damned if my malice toward Josh McDaniels isn't all consuming. The only thing I can draw conclusively at this point is that the NFC West is a wasteland, without even the presence of the above-average Cardinals of 08-09 to bail it out. 8-8 may win this divison. By several games.

Raiders 16, Rams 14
Sam Bradford isn't terrible and is still alive, so kudos to the Ram organization. The Raiders are the real losers here, as they've already benched Jason Campbell and have pretty much shot to shit any chance of the revival they were expecting this year.

Chargers 38, Jaguars 13
Yeah, the Del Rio Death March is in full swing.

Jets 28, Patriots 14
You win this round, Rico Mirerez, but the Patriots also allowed Carson Palmer to throw for the most yards he's accumulated since his right arm fell off in 2008. I have faith that you'll be right back to suck very, very soon. But nice job beating the Patriots. I may get tired of the Jets hype, but nothing compares to hating New England.

Houston 30, Washington 27
Matt Schaub had 497 yards passing. Donovan McNabb had 426. Those 923 combined passing yards are second in history only to Dan Marino and Ken O'Brien's 927 in a 51-45 Jets win over the Dolphins in 1986. Needless to say, this game was impressive. I'm slowly beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, the Texans won't screw me over for believing in them this year.

Colts 38, Giants 14
Upon further review, Perry Fewell may not have fixed the Giant's defense that quickly. Also, NBC played Five For Fighting's 100 Years in the background while showing Manning family photos because they hate you and good taste.

Saints 25, 49ers 22
Ouch. What a giant cockpunch for 49ers fans this game was. Mike Singletary is truly awful at in- game management, and I'm not even going into the alleged communications issues (key quote (for me) from that article: "Though Singletary said he was listening in on the headsets, the sources claim he isn’t an X’s and O’s guy and doesn’t know what a correct play call would be compared to an incorrect call"). He badly mangled his timeouts and he called an absolutely awful prevent defense that made Drew Brees' job way too easy on the last drive. I can see, therefore, why some Bears fans thought he'd be a great replacement for Lovie. I will say, however, that Alex Smith is a remarkably better quarterback now than he was before last year, only further proving my hypothesis that it takes a full three years (which would be 2005, 2006, and 2007 for Smith as he missed all of 2008 due to injury before coming back and taking the starting job last year) for a spread quarterback to transition to the NFL. Also: Drew Brees is really good.

That's it for now. NFL Prognostication Bukakke will go up Thursday.

Quarterback Controversies: They Suck

By my count, the Bears have started 19 different quarterbacks and made 51 total changes in the starting lineup at quarterback during my lifetime. I'm going to go ahead and then claim myself an expert on quarterback controversies and expect you to follow my words in this article as though I am the burning bush and these are the very words of God. Or something.

Anyways, so far this week the Panthers, Bills, Raiders, Titans, and Jaguars have already benched their starting quarterbacks (as well as the Eagles benching Vick, but I'm not sure if benching your back up in favor of the original startings QB who was out due to injury counts). For most of these teams, this isn't going to make one damn bit of difference. The hardest thing for most NFL fans to swallow is that the guy starting is usually the best option on the roster, and no one is coming to the rescue. It's also hard to accept that the offensive line, running game, wideouts, etc. may also suck, and that salvation is more than one player away. Anywho, I'll go ahead and breakdown all the controversies:

Carolina Panthers: Jimmy Clausen and Matt Moore
Some people thought Carolina was a darkhorse this year (okay, it was just Peter King and he sucks at everything), but I've maintained throughout that they blow. The complete disintegration of their offense behind Matt Moore has only confirmed my suspicions. This is the only one of the quarterback changes that I think may yield positive results. I'm not a huge fan of Jimmy Clausen, but he's a much more talented quarterback than Matt Moore. His arm strength is NFL caliber, with enough zip to make the short-to-intermediate throws that were Jake Delhomme's forte in his not so awful years. His deep ball tails a bit, but he can get it down there on occasion. Carolina's offensive line isn't that awful, and they have a solid running game and Steve Smith. Clausen may be enough to get them to 5 or 6 wins. I'm betting he'll be very inconsistent, however.

Buffalo Bills: Trent Edwards and Ryan Fitzpatrick
Oh man. This team is so awful. Why they haven't even attempted to address their God awful offensive line is beyond me. Instead they're just content to have three good runningbacks that they can't open holes for. I used to think Trent Edwards reputation for checking down too often was unfair, as he never has time to look downfield, but by this point he suffers from David Carr Syndrome and is merely a shell who can't even contemplate throwing deep. Fitzpatrick's ability to hang around in the NFL and get a starting opportunity for three straight years absolutely baffles me. He has a weak arm (9.7 career yards per completion, 5.6 YPA), isn't accurate (just 57.8% completions) and he's turnover prone (27 INTS, 21 TDs). Other than that, he's awesome. I don't see why they won't just start Brian Brohm. He'd still suck, but he'd at least placate the fans since they'd at least be trying something new. Damn, Bills fans are screwed.

Oakland Raiders: Jason Campbell and Bruce Gradkowski
Blue collar hero Bruce Gradkowski surprisingly replaced the offseason savior of the Oakland Raiders after just six quarters. This one is probably the most shocking change that's occurred. Even for the Raiders benching the guy that Al Davis compared to Jim Plunkett and gave a contract extension to is baffling, especially considering the fact that Gradkowski was less than impressive as well (11/22, 167 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 70.6 rating vs. Campbell's 30/52, 267, 1 TD, 2 INT, 61.9 rating). It's uncertain right now whether or not Gradkowski will keep the job, but it's humorous nonetheless that the Raiders return to respectability has been derailed once more. Again, nothing will change, no matter which one is taking the snaps.

Tennessee Titans: Vince Young and Kerry Collins
I'm not a fan of Vince Young. I've finally granted him begrudging respect as a game manager, but I've mostly been unimpressed with him since he entered the league. Apparently I'm a much bigger fan of him than Jeff Fisher. Ignore the fact that Kerry Collins got the Titans back into the game. This was an awful decision. Truly awful. Since his return to the lineup last year, Young is 9-3 and has completed 60.1% of his passes for 2,099 yds (7.4 YPA) 12 TDs, 9 INTs, and an 83.7 rating. Now, none of those numbers are all that impressive, but all of them are better than Kerry Collins career averages. Collins blows and he's old. Young is mediocre, young, and seems to fit the offense better. He's not the first, the best, or the worst quarterback that the Steelers defense has made a bitch out of. Fisher has declared that Young will start next week, but the pathetically short leash is just ridiculous, especially when the backup offers absolutely no upside.

Jaguars: David Garrard and...well, no one.
This would be a controversy if Luke McCown hadn't torn his ACL. Since his stellar 2007 campaign which was a golden example of game-managing at it's finest, Garrard has been, well, about as mediocre as Vince Young (62% completions, 6.9 YPA, 34 TDs, 26 INTs, 82.7 rating), but he's also been hurt by playing behind a pretty bad offensive line and not having any receiving threats outside of Mike Sims-Walker and Maurice Jones-Drew. Still, it's convenient for Jack Del Rio to scapegoat Garrard for his failures as a coach, so Garrard is under fire. Why Del Rio criticized Garrard so heavily only to not bring in any competition I don't know, but the simple fact is that Garrard and Del Rio don't trust each other and both will be somewhere else next year.

Philadelphia Eagles: Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick
To be fair to Andy Reid, I totally understand his logic in starting Kevin Kolb next week. Kolb is younger and is potentially the ideal quarterback for his West Coast offense, and they traded McNabb in order to keep Kolb from leaving. However, I find it absolutely hilarious that this situation has occurred. Here's what I hope happens: Kolb starts, sucks, and loses the game against McNabb's Redskins in Philadelphia. The fans eventually get their wish and Michael Vick returns, only to turn back into the Michael Vick that can barely complete half of his passes. The Eagles miss the playoffs, Reid is run out of town on a very large, reinforced rail, and McNabb finally has his vindication. F%&k the Eagles.

That's it for the QB controversies that have developed, but I'm also looking forward to:

Minnesota Vikings: Brett Favre vs. Tarvaris Jackson (oh yes, it'll happen)

Arizona Cardinals: Derek Anderson vs. Anybody that's not Derek Anderson

Cleveland Browns: Seneca Wallace vs. Jake Delhomme (maybe this is already happening?)

Kansas City Chiefs: Matt Cassel vs. Brodie Croyle

My point is that there are a lot of really bad quarterbacks and bad teams in this league. And their back ups are worse. I'm sure plenty of teams are already watching highlight films of Ryan Mallett's armcock.

Around the NCAA

My reactions to this week's college games:


Nevada 52, California 31
California's been in a decline ever since Aaron Rodgers left, so it's not like these are the powerful Bears of the early Tedford years, but this was still a surprisingly awful beatdown. Kudos to Colin Kaepernick and the rest of the cogs in Chris Ault's pistol offense for giving the WAC a big win over the Pac 10.

Michigan 42, Massachusetts 37
Holy shit, Michigan. I don't remember the last time a college team was so utterly dependent on their quarterback playing ludicrously well in order to be even remotely competitive. That Michigan defense is really going to have trouble during Big Ten season. They'll probably cost Robinson a Heisman even if he keeps at his ungodly pace.

Arkansas 31, Georgia 24
Arkansas isn't as bad off as Michigan, but this game was further proof that they go as far as Ryan Mallett will take them Georgia hasn't fielded a competent offense since Matt Stafford left and yet they very nearly upset an Arkansas team that looked unstoppable in the first half. Mallett and his armcock saved the day, however. We'll see if he can finally punch a hole in the Alabama defense.

Oklahoma 27, Air Force 24
The Big 12 South, folks. They don't need no stinkin' defense.

Wisconsin 20, Arizona State 19
This was a fun game to watch. That's really all I have to add.

USC 32, Minnesota 21
USC is not good, people. Minnesota may actually have had a shot at the upset if Tim Brewster had attempted the forward pass on anything other than 3rd downs. Keep it up, Brew. You're the only thing keeping the "arguably" in front of Ron Zook's title of The Worst Coach in the Big Ten.

Nebraska 56, Washington 21
Holy hell, Jake Locker. 4-20 passing. That'll hurt the old draft stock a bit. Hopefully he recovers in time to be the sacrificial lamb that keeps Ryan Mallett from having to play in Buffalo. Oh, and Nebraska is good. I love seeing them run the option again. F*%k you, Bill Callahan.

Florida 31, Tennessee 17
Those were the ugliest 31 points Florida has ever put up. It's really going to take a small miracle to keep them from being destroyed by Alabama if their offensive malaise continues. The South Carolina game is also looking rather dangerous as well.

TCU 45, Baylor 10
Posted merely for the stupidity of my prediction that Baylor would give them a scare.

Oregon 69, Portland State 0
I know they haven't played anybody, but Oregon is averaging over a point per minute. Good lord.

Auburn 17, Clemson 14
Pick against Clemson=Profit.

Texas 24, Texas Tech 14
F*&k you, Texas Tech.

UCLA 31, Houston 13
It saddens me that college football has now lost Case Keenum. He ran the run'n'shoot better than anyone since Houston's glory days with Ware and Klingler. Tough break, kid.

Michigan State 34, Notre Dame 31
All I saw of this game was the Fake FG TD. Apparently that gave Mark Dantonio a heart attack. That sums it up nicely, actually.

Arizona 34, Iowa 26
This was truly surprising. Perhaps it shouldn't have been. I'm still trying to get over the unthinkable sight of a Kirk Ferentz-built offensive line getting absolutely shit upon by a bloodthirsty defense. I have no doubt that Iowa will recover from this and compete for the Big Ten title, but damn, that was a bloodbath for Ricky Stanzi.

MY COLLEGE RANKINGS:
1. Alabama
2. Ohio State?
3-25: Flotsam.

Tune in Wednesday for the NCAA edition of this week's Prognostication Bukakke.

HATE WEEK BEGINS NOW

It's Packer week, assholes. After last year's unfortunate sweep by Green Bay, the Bears now stand at just 7-5 against the Packers in the Lovie Era, with Monday night's game being perhaps the most important matchup the two teams have had in this decade. What's that call for? Blind, unadulterated, unmitigated hatred, of course.


I like your style, George.

The Packers are everyone's preseason favorite to win the Superbowl, and, unlike the offseason darling that the Bears demolished yesterday, they're actually living up to the hype so far. They're struggling in the run game without Ryan Grant, but Aaron Rodgers is more than capable of compensating.

This game is going to be decided by whichever defense hits the opposing quarterback more. It's that simple. Green Bay's offensive line is looking as iffy as ever, and we've seen live just how shaky Chicago's can be. Will it be Clay Matthews or Julius Peppers running off the field in triumph? I don't know.

All I know is that the Bears, so far, have done all the things I thought they'd need to do to win games this year. I have faith that Mike Martz can find the holes in Green Bay's defense. I can only hope that the Bears front seven will continue to annihilate the run and pressure Rodgers into getting rid of the ball before he can find Jennings or Driver deep in what's still a pretty sketchy secondary.

I honestly can't even venture a guess as to what's going to happen on Monday. But I have legitimate hope that the Bears can win this game. I'll take that for now. ON WITH THE HATRED!

Bears 27, Cowboys 20- A Win Even Morrissey Can Feel Good About. Maybe.

Will all of you masochists try and enjoy this one? This was fantastic. Next Monday is going to be huge. I cannot wait. Cutler and Rodgers play Who's is Bigger at Soldier Field. Football, motherfuckers.

On to the Good/Bad:

THE GOOD:

Mike Martz: (does best Jon Gruden voice) THIS GUY! I CALL HIM THE SCHEME-RAPER. BECAUSE HE RAPES DEFENSIVE SCHEMES. In all honesty I can't ever remember the Bears having an offensive coordinator who can totally change his protections and his plan of attack after losing the left tackle on the first series. I know Cutler took way too many hits and had to run for his life, but Martz deserves credit for throwing enough protection around to get Cutler enough time to throw deep and turn the whole game around. The 59 yard pass to Knox may have changed the entire Bear organization. It was the first time in my life that they've had the QB, the Coach, and the WR necessary to say "Fuck it, if they're going to blitz we're just going to throw deep and hit them before they hit us." It was glorious. The run game is still backed up, but Martz's brilliance in the passing game is a thing to behold. He knows how to use screens effectively. He doesn't surrender any hope of going deep because the offensive line is struggling. He knows all you have to do is break one or two of those big throws to get that defense to back off, and that's exactly what the Cowboys did in response. Shirtless hugs for you, Mike. I'm sorry that this asshole said all those mean things about you, but damn am I glad that I also know this guy.

Jay Cutler: I'm just going to let his numbers this season speak for themselves right now: 44/64 (68.8%), 649 yds, 5 TDS, 1 INT, 10.1 YPA, 324.5 YPG, 121.2 Rating.

Devin Hester: I hope David Haugh is happy now, because Cutler and Hester went ahead and chemistry'd their way to 4 catches, 77 yards, and a TD that was pure awesome on both ends. Say what you will about Hester's sometimes sketchy route-running, the kid has great hands.

Johnny Knox: Aromoshadu drew everybody's attention this week and Knox and Hester responded well. Knox had 4 receptions for 86 yards, the big one being the 59 yard dagger that turned the game around.

Greg Olsen: Fine. I don't hate you this week.

Matt Forte: Well, he can catch.

The Urlacher-Briggs-Tinoisamoa Trio of Death:
They've now allowed 56 yards rushing this year. From sideline to sideline, no runningback is safe.

DJ Moore: Holy shit, the Bears have a nickelback? 2 picks, 1 forced fumble, and one sweaty man hug for DJ.

The Bad:

The offensive line: The Cowboys really do have a great front seven. Therefore I don't really blame the line, and they responded well after losing Chris Williams, but they're still average at best. Martz is doing a great job of covering for them, but they could make it alot easier by opening some god damn holes in the run game.

Any defensive back not named DJ Moore: Miles Austin had 142 yards. Jason Witten had 51. Roy Williams somehow remembered he was a wide receiver and had 53 yards. Now, alot of those yards came after the Bears had gone up by 10 and went to straight Cover 2, but it'd be nice to see them not allow another game like Austin had to anyone else.

Troy Aikman: Holy shit, man. You make my ears bleed. I'm never listening to another game against the Cowboys with Aikman on the call. I'd rather mute the thing and listen to Jeff Joniak inexplicably keep his job as a radio broadcaster despite refusing to mention things like down, distance, score, or time.

Well, that's it for this week. This is looking like a pretty good football team. Minnesota's on the decline, but Green Bay is who we thought they were, I'm afraid. The Bears are just going to have to make a statement next week.

Prognostication Bukakke: Week 2 NFL Picks

Steelers @ Titans

Code Red: Dennis Dixon played pretty well against the Falcons, but the Titans have a much more complete team. Titans win.

Iggins!: This game would turn out the same whether Roethlisberger was there or not. Titans win.

Bucs @ Panthers

Iggins!: Irrelevant games are fun to pick. Panthers win?

Code Red: I think both these teams suck. But I think Josh Freeman will suck less than Matt Moore. Bucs win.

Chiefs @ Browns

Code Red: As I've said, the Chiefs are certainly improved, but Matt Cassel and that offensive line will keep them from playoff contention. They're more than good enough to beat Jake Delhomme, though. Holy shit, he's so awful. I mean he's worse than a young Jake Plummer at this point. I half expect him to just drop his pants and shit on the ball.
Chiefs win.

Iggins!: Cassel truly is terrible. It’s amazing how being totally inept at just one position can screw a whole team. That being said, the Browns should be euthanized. Chiefs win.

Cardinals @ Falcons

Iggins!: The Cardinals struggled to beat the Rams, and Derek Anderson is their QB. That’s got 4-12 written all over it. Falcons win.

Code Red: I’m still concerned about Matt Ryan’s struggles, but yeah. It’s going to be a long season in Arizona. Sorry, TEC. Falcons win.

Dolphins @ Vikings

Code Red: I think the Vikings are going to collapse this year. I just don't see that at collapse involving a loss at home to the Dolphins. (Prove me wrong, Miami. Prove me wrong)
Vikings win.

Iggins!: Favre is a corpse, and not one of those fast ones, I’m talking Dawn of the Dead here. The Fins didn’t look great week 1 but they’ll improve as the season progresses. I don’t think the Vikings can win this one. Dolphins win.

Code Red: If you’re right, I’ll gladly take the hit in the standings.

Eagles @ Lions

Iggins!: Julius Peppers hit Stafford so hard it knocked any chance the Lions had at a good season right out of them. Eagles win.

Code Red: Agreed. Although I wish Stafford a speedy recovery. I like the kid. Eagles win.

Bears @ Cowboys

Code Red: The Cowboys offensive line looked awful against the Redskins, and I think the Bears have a much better front seven than Washington. If Cutler and the offense hang onto the ball I think the Bears will win this one. Also, I don't pick against the Bears until they've driven me into my late-season rageahol binge, so Bears win.

Iggins!: Honestly I don’t think this will be close. The Bears played way better than the score showed last week. Bears win.

Ravens @ Bengals

Iggins!: The difference here will be defense. I have a suspicion that the Patriots defense isn’t that great, which means the Bengals are in trouble. Ravens win.

Code Red: The reason you have that suspicion is because the Bengals actually racked up some impressive numbers offensively. They had an awful, awful start but they’re better than that. Just not good enough to beat the Ravens. Ravens win.

Bills @ Packers

Code Red: Yeaaaah, that ain't happening no matter how many pins I poke in the Aaron Rodgers voodoo doll. Packers win.

Iggins!: Not even close. Packers win.

Rams @ Raiders

Iggins!: The Raiders are better. Which is like saying dog piss smells better than cat piss; It’s true, but why the hell do you care? Raiders win.

Code Red: I’ll just be contrarian and go with the Rams. And Sam Bradford looked not awful for a rookie, so there’s that.

Seahawks @ Broncos

Code Red: I'm not sure what to think of what Seattle did to the 49ers last week. I'm going to gamble that they're pseudo-mediocre-esque and that they can do God's will and send Josh McDaniels to an 0-2 start. Seahawks win.

Iggins!: Very very little has been said about the massacre that Seattle perpetrated unto the 49ers last week. Hasselbeck looked young, Mike Williams (the original, not the Buc or the Steeler) reappeared out of the crack smoke, and the defense shut the Niners down hard. So for at least this week I will believe that the Seahawks are back. Seahawks win.

Code Red: It could be that very little has been said because no one cares about Seattle.

Texans @ Redskins

Iggins!: The Texans could be the best team in the NFL. Texans win.

Code Red: Really? The Best team? Not exactly, but good enough to beat the Redskins. Texans win.

Patriots @ Jets

Code Red: Oooh. INTERESTING. On one hand we have “Perennial Division Champ That Seems to Have Overcome Premature Predictions of Their Demise” vs. “Team That Hasn't Won Shit but Really Likes to Act Like They Have.” Who ya got? I'll take Brady's Patriots, sadly, and drink up the tears of Jets fans. I bear no ill will towards the Jets outside of those who have hyped Rico Mirerez, but I'm well aware that Jets fans are also Mets and Yankees fans and therefore I can delight in their pain. Pats win, but fuck them anyway.

Iggins!: I went, in one week, from loving the Jets to hating them more than the Pats. Their offensive strategy was the most counter-intuitive bullshit I’ve ever seen an NFL team pull. The thing they do best is pound the ball, so they pull Shonn Greene after 5 carries and let Sanchez (editors note: MIREREZ), the worst player on their team, throw 2 yard passes the whole game (or they hand it off to the corpse of LT a few times) WAY TO GIVE UP ON A GUY BECAUSE HE FUMBLED REX. How many times did Forte fumble? How many yards did he end the game with? You don’t abandon a starter because he fumbles! You don’t pass when that is by far the worst part of your team! Jesus. Pats win.

Code Red: The malice this man shows when people bench his fantasy players is truly admirable, folks.

Jaguars @ Chargers

Iggins!: No torrential downpour? Chargers win.

Code Red: San Diego’s at home, too. I don’t see them falling to 0-2. Chargers win.

Giants @ Colts

Code Red: Hmm. Manning brother leading team that wasn't good last year but may be kinda good this year vs. Manning brother leading team that was good last year but may be kinda not so good this year. I'll look for the Colts to rebound and win this one while I get my Michael Irvin on and stab anyone who says “ManningBowl” in the neck with a pair of scissors. Colts win.

Iggins!: Why are people so damn down on the Colts? They lost to a really great team. They’re still way better than the Giants. Colts win.

Code Red: Because we’re all revolutionaries at heart and we want to see the downfall of royalty.

Saints @ 49ers

Iggins!: After the ass kicking the Niners got handed last week I would have to accept a frontal lobotomy if I didn’t say Saints win.

Code Red: I hate that we have to agree so much this week. Saints win.

The Return of Prognostication Bukakke! NCAA Week 3 Picks

You know how it goes, folks. I manage to drag back Iggins!, the reclusive co-founder of this blog, in order to insult his manhood and try to outprognosticate him. Last year I took the title, going 143-70 (85-43 NFL, 58-27 NCAA) to Iggins!' 134-79 (85-43 NFL, 49-36 NCAA). This year he's out for revenge, and it starts with today's college picks (NFL picks'll be up tomorrow):

Arkansas @ Georgia

Code Red: The throbbing armcock of Ryan Mallett is more than adequate for beating the rather punchless looking Dawgs. Armcockansas wins.

Iggins!: The SEC is a pile of suck after Alabama. It’s so bad that the number 2 and 3 teams are Arkansas and South Carolina. Jesus it’s Stephen Garcia! Anyway, Arkansas wins.

Code Red: College football in general is looking like a pile of suck after Alabama, Ohio State, Iowa, and…..Or..eg..on?

AZ State @ Wisconsin

Code Red: I'm sorry. You people probably expect more out of us when we choose the top ten college games of the week, but damn is this cupboard bare. I wish I'd been less lazy and started this last week, because that was a good slate of games. Not like this one. Since I've explained why this game is even on here, I'll now say that Wisconsin will win.

Iggins!: Wisconsin has not looked great, but AZ State isn’t much of a step up from San Jose State. Wisconsin wins.

Nebraska @ Washington

Iggins!: Washington is nice and overrated because they have an NFL prospect who has never done anything at the college level. They gonna get they ass kicked. Nebraska wins.

Code Red: This is true. I like Jake Locker (not as much as Mallet’s Armcock), but Washington has still won just 5 games in two years. Nebraska wins.

Florida @ Tennessee

Code Red: I've already gone over how backed up Florida is on offense and why it's mostly Steve Addazio's fault, but despite their shortcomings on that side of the ball their world-class defense should be enough to clamp down Matt Simms and the Vols. Florida will win, but it may not be pretty. They're going to be in some serious trouble soon.

Iggins!: Don’t fool yourself into thinking I forgot Florida when I mentioned how shitty the SEC is behind Bama. Florida is in trouble. Fortunately for them, Tennessee sucks, but this game is going to be really close. The good times are over FLA. Florida wins.

Notre Dame @ Michigan State

Iggins!: So Notre Dame doesn’t want to join the Big Ten because they’d lose rivalries… but they play 3 Big Ten teams in a row? Oh right, they need to play Navy. God I hate ND. Michigan State wins.

Code Red: Is it an even numbered year? I’ll take ND.

Texas @ Texas Tech

Code Red: Texas Tech has looked good so far in the post-Leach era, but they deserve nothing but pure boiling bile and hatred for the fact that it's even a “post-Leach” era at all. And Fuck Craig James while I'm at it too. Texas will mete out my vengeance this week. Longhorns win.

Iggins!: Yeah, now that Tuberville is coaching everyone will remember that Lubbock is a shithole and nobody wants to go there, not to mention they don’t have the talent even presently to compete without the Air Raid. Texas wins.

Code Red: We’re still in mourning, as you can tell. Mike Leach, you’ll always have a place in our hearts, you batshit sonofabitch.

Iowa @ Arizona

Iggins!: There have been under 5 teams who have looked dominant so far; Bama, OSU, Oregon, and Iowa are the four I would count as having been truly impressive and dominant. This isn’t the finicky Iowa team you’re used to, you know, the one with Drew Tate? These guys are disturbingly efficient and strangely talented. If I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, the Pac 10 is an awful conference and up against a good defense they will look like garbage. Iowa wins.

Code Red: I hate the few years that Iggins!’ homerism actually coincides with a legitimately good Iowa team. Sigh. Iowa wins.

Houston @ UCLA

Code Red: I thought UCLA would be better than the performance they turned in against Stanford last week, but they looked absolutely clueless on offense. They certainly won't put it together in time to keep up with Case Keenum and the explosive Cougar offense. Houston wins.

Iggins!: Last week Harbaugh and Luck had a strategy in place in which they would quickly snap the ball when UCLA did a mass substitution. It pissed off Neuheisel so bad I think he killed an assistant. If the guy can’t counter something simple like that without blowing up, I don’t think he has the brain cells to stop Houston. Houston wins.

Code Red: That was a dick move. And it was awesome.

Auburn @ Clemson

Iggins!: Wow. Really? I don’t even know. I know almost nothing about these two teams. But I DO know I hate Gene Chizik. Clemson wins????

Code Red: Well, that settles it for me. Auburn wins.

Baylor @ TCU

Code Red: I realize Baylor is a perennial punching bag, but they're a dangerous team with a healthy Robert Griffin at QB. TCU will win this game, but don't be surprised if the Bears give them a scare.

Iggins!: I hope Baylor wins and stops this BS talk about BYU deserving a shot at the title before it really starts. They barely beat Oregon State. Pac 10 team. But I also lost my NCAA picks by 9 games last year so I’m picking the safe bet, TCU wins.

Code Red: I think you mean Boise State, not BYU, but whatever, you’re on a roll.
There you have it, folks. It begins.

Well, This Wasn't Predictable at ALL..

Jay Cutler only found Devin Hester once on Sunday for 17 yards. But he spread the ball around and racked up 372 yards passing, tied for 4th most in team history, so surely no one would argue that he needs to work on his communication with Hester if the pass offense is somehow going to work, right?

Wrong. Sigh. God dammit, David Haugh. You're lucky I spent so much time on Morrissey last night, or else you'd get the full hack job. Let's just look at some of the garbage in Haugh's piece:

"Thankfully, nobody wasted any of Jay Cutler's weekly allotment of podium time Wednesday at Halas Hall asking him about his new favorite target.

And they said Cutler would ignore the tight end in Mike Martz's offense.

Seriously, if Cutler chose to jet to New York City to spend his off day with "The Hills'' starlet Kristin Cavallari, question his fondness for reality-TV more than his time management. He's a young, single millionaire coming off a terrific game so this was a rendezvous relevant to TMZ more than the NFL.

Now, if you want to worry about how Cutler's relationship with wide receiver Devin Hester may affect the Bears, that's harder to dismiss. Especially after Cutler's brutally honest assessment of why Hester had only one of 35 pass attempts directed his way against the Lions."

I'll just say here that I hate Jay Cutler for dating a starlet (does she really even qualify for that title?) and making it possible for Haugh to write this crap. That said, Jesus, this is a really, really lame open to an article that doesn't make any sense.

"If Devin would have gotten open I would have thrown him the ball,'' Cutler said without hesitation. Not exactly, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'' Unintended or not, the words came across more as a challenge than an explanation.

That asshole. How dare he call out Hester like that? Jeez, Jay, did anyone see you walking away after you threw him under that bus?

"We talked about this before the first game (and) it's going to be game by game who gets the ball,'' Cutler said. "Depending on what coverage … we're going to go with the matchups. They were doing some stuff to Devin, putting some guys over top of him. Devin is going to have his games. I'm not worried about that. He played really well.''

Oh wait. He actually had more than ONE LINE IN THE GOD DAMN QUOTE. Why, that sounds perfectly reasonable. If your number one receiver consistently draws double teams and leaves the others open enough to enable you to throw for 372 YARDS, well, that's pretty solid. Of course, this leaves little drama to this story, so how did Haugh explain it?

"Perhaps realizing how harsh that message may sound to Hester, one of the most sensitive players in the locker room, Cutler quickly conjured up a much less damning explanation. Though saying Hester was a punt returner masquerading as an NFL wide receiver would have been a less damning explanation."

Okay. I've listened to the tape of Cutler's quote. There was absolutely no kind of hesitation or any other indication that Cutler had to backtrack and say this to explain his first line. He didn't even pause after his first line. Haugh added that in. Even Mike & Mike in the Morning said the same thing, and at least 1 1/2 of the people in that duo are braindead. This is just the kind of shit that Jay Cutler is going to have to deal with, and it's sad.

I really can't even attempt to fisk all of the rest of this article. It's a steaming pile of contrived bullshit that Morrissey would be happy to keep on the wall of his fort at the next No Jays Club meeting.

"The Lions defense devoted extra attention to Hester for a reason: They rightfully respected his ability to break a game open more than any other receiver on the roster. As the Bears should."

Exactly. Cutler should try to force him the ball even if other guys are open, because Devin is the guy. That can't end badly at all.

"Hester then mentioned something about helping with big blocks. I don't recall incentives in Hester's contract for the number of downfield blocks thrown."

So Devin should act like a petulant dipshit and not block because that's somehow not what he's paid to do? Good for Devin for taking pride in his blocks and being incredibly diplomatic about this while this dipshit kept trying to prod him into a T.O. like outburst.

Here's a good one:

"Martz found Hester's claims of negligence more amusing than alarming."

Apparently Hester saying: "That's the way it goes — one week one or two balls, next week 15 or 20,'' Hester said. "That's what I'm hoping this week, to get my hands on the ball a little more.'' is accusing Martz of negligence. My God, what a hack.

"Cutler has his favorites and Devin Aromashodu — targeted 10 times Sunday — and Greg Olsen top that list. Why Hester never really has is a question only Cutler can answer, but as easy as the Bears quarterback made it look Sunday, it only will get easier if he develops better chemistry with Hester. Or any at all."

Oh really? Cutler has never really had a relationship with Hester? Is that why he, oh I don't know...LED THE TEAM IN RECEIVING YARDS last year and was second in catches and targets?

Alright, I'm done. Welcome to the list, David Haugh.

Once More Unto the Breach: Me and Rick Morrissey

Y'all know the score: Morrissey's a dumbass and I'm not going to take it. He's in italics.

Don't let a stupid NFL rule cloud your judgment about how the Bears played Sunday.

Exactly. The Bears dominated the Lions by 300 yards and were it not for 3 fumbles, which is a flukey total by any measure, this game wouldn't have been close. The defense played exteremely well. It was a fine, fine performance outside of the turnovers. Good observation, Rick.

Don't let the controversy over the way the game ended take away from the fact that they were scary bad for long stretches at Soldier Field.

Oh. Never mind. What were those long stretches, by the way? The 6 total seconds it took to fumble three times? It certainly wasn't the 35 minutes that they controlled the clock, or the time they spent racking up a 21-13 edge in first downs while racking up 463 yards of offense for the first time in 13 years.

Before you get mired in the legalese surrounding Calvin Johnson's touchdown-that-wasn't, remember whom the Bears were playing. The lowly Lions.

This is a fair criticism, I'd think. And it is worth cautioning people against overreacting, but even in last year's sweep of the Lions the Bears allowed Detroit to rack up over 300+ yards and 24 points, and the Bears offense had just 276 yards in the first game against the Lions last year. So it was still a much improved performance from last year and Morrissey is still an awful human being. It's science.

And remember who was playing quarterback for Detroit at the end of the game. Shaun Hill, not Matthew Stafford.

Exactly. The Lions would have torched the Bears in the second half if Stafford had played, since he racked up a whopping 83 yards passing in the first half to Hill's meager 89 yards passing in the second half.

''An ugly win,'' Bears defensive tackle Tommie Harris called his team's 19-14 victory. He'll probably get spanked for his honesty when he reports back to the gulag in Lake Forest, but he was right.

Did he just compare playing for Lovie Smith, the coach criticized more times than I count for being weak and a terrible disciplinarian, to being held in a Soviet gulag?

You want ugly?

The Bears couldn't score in a four-down series from inside Detroit's 1-yard line.

True. That sucked and it featured some very poor calls, including a decision not to sneak. But did you miss the part where the defense forced a punt and the team scored the game winning TD on the very next drive?

They lost three fumbles.

Which is almost double the per game average they've had over the last six years. But that's totally not a fluke at all. We can clearly expect that kind of performance every week resulting in 48 fumbles, which would be only 8 away from an NFL record. Clearly that is what is going to happen and this outweighs the Bears' statistical dominance in every other category.

Devin Aromashodu dropped a wide-open touchdown pass on the Bears' first series.

Certainly a dropped pass on the first offensive series of the year is a harbinger of doom.

There were dumb penalties and dumb coaching decisions.

I'm going to quote the always awesome Pat Kirwan of NFL.com regarding the Bears awful penalties:

"I always look at Week 1 penalties for an indication of what the officials are looking to call differently from last year. They like to call it "a point of emphasis," which means they will call those particular infractions more this year.

In Week 1, their point of emphasis was on holding penalties. Officials called 37 of them, compared to the Week 1 average of 20.6 from 2007-'09 (see chart)."

Oh, so maybe it was just week one. In fact, the two penalties that really cost the Bears, holding and roughing the passer, were both called more frequently this week than they were called on average last year, because both were points of emphasis all offseason long. Tough break, Rick. As for the dumb coaching decisions? Well, yeah. But Rick's argument is that they can't beat the Cowboys if they play like they did against the Lions, and I just don't see how, if dumb coaching decisions is the decider, Lovie's gaffe on 4th down somehow tops Wade Phillips decision to go for it with the 3 seconds left in the first half.

A question for Bears coach Lovie Smith: Now that the glorified practices are over, when do the real games start?

You're a member of the media, with access to an NFL head coach I would kill for, and you want to ask him for a copy of the schedule? I found one here, Rick.

It was Smith who referred to the final preseason game as a ''glorified practice,'' but on Sunday, the Bears looked like a team of strangers meeting for the first time.

Strangers who got together and racked up the most yards on offense of any team in the league, while giving up the second fewest.

That the Lions were even in a position to score in the final 87 seconds tells you all you need to know about this game. Poetic justice called for Hill's pass into the right corner of the end zone to result in a touchdown.

That's not even remotely true. That doesn't say "the Bears absolutely dominated the Lions in every category but failed to capitalize because of a bunch of stupid turnovers, and thus the Lions had a chance because that's how upsets happen, even though this one didn't." And poetic justice would actually call for the team that actually picked up more than 1 first down in the first 28 minutes of the second half to win the game.

But rule book justice, misguided as it is, yanked a victory away from the Lions and handed it to the Bears.

On a play that will be replayed hundreds of times this week, the Lions were at the Bears' 25-yard-line with 31 seconds left in the game. Hill dropped back and lofted a jump-ball pass. Johnson leaped over Bears cornerback Zack Bowman, made the catch, took two steps, fell and then lost control of the ball. Touchdown, right? Two feet down in the end zone, correct?

No. The rule states that a receiver has to maintain possession of the ball all the way to the ground. Even though Johnson landed on his butt while holding the ball, he lost the ball afterward. Incomplete pass.

Insanity.

Insanity! This madness has never happened before! Except when the cruel hand of poetic legal officiating justice or cruel Lady Fortune called back a game winning touchdown for the Bears against the Lions on the exact same call six years ago.

The problem isn't with the interpretation of the rule. The problem is with the rule itself, an officious, nit-picky decree that wiped out an amazingly athletic play. The letter of the law gets an ''F.''

He is Rick Morrissey. And he is the Law.

Everybody knows it, even Bears players.

They know it because it happened to them, too. I somehow doubt a smug Detroit sportswriter wrote about the injustice of the Bears losing that game in 2004, though.

''That's a crazy rule,'' safety Danieal Manning said.

An athlete understands what a great play is, and Bowman knew he had been beaten by an exceptional effort. But he wasn't complaining about the rule afterward.

''I thought it was a touchdown,'' he said. ''Then the one ref was like, 'Nah, it's not a touchdown. He dropped it.' And I was like, 'Sweet!' ''

And Rick was like, "Word, brah."

By the time Smith met with the media after the game, he was a law-and-order guy from way back. A rule's a rule, he said. And after that, he said what he always says: A victory is a victory.

Of all of Lovie's retarded Lovie-isms, that one's the one that's actually true.

''I think we won the game,'' said quarterback Jay Cutler, tiring of questions about the team's lackluster start.

No, he was probably just tired of taking questions from the guy who spent all of the 2009 offseason calling him an overrated crybaby and a disgrace after the Green Bay game before he shredded any semblance of journalistic integrity by calling Cutler "the next Tom Brady" after three good games. Wait, wasn't that you?

There might not be style points in the NFL, but there is carryover. If the Bears think they can play this way in Dallas next Sunday and against Green Bay in Week 3 and win, somebody needs to confiscate the team bong.

Jesus Christ. There's so much wrong with this it hurts. Rick acts like none of the Bears have said that they need to improve over their performance this week, and yet all of them have. Thanks for the f*%king revelation, Rick. And no, there is no carryover in the NFL. That's why teams sometimes lose the week after winning. That's why some teams can score 45 points one week and 13 the next. That's why it's the god damn NFL. There's nothing even resembling carryover, other than "hey, teams that are good will tend to be good from game to game, because they're good, while teams that are bad will be bad."

This article is somehow still going on, so I'm just going to skip to the end, but just know you're missing Rick saying that there "was some good stuff" like Cutler and the offense performing really well and the defense performing well except for when they were performing really badly, or something, and that none of it counts because they were like playing the Lions and stuff. Onto:

The final indictment of the Bears came in the last 87 seconds, when they allowed the Lions to march downfield, setting up Johnson's fateful play in the end zone.

Except it wasn't fateful at all, because they didn't score.

Stare at the rule book all you want, but it doesn't tell the story of the Bears' performance.

What about the stat book? What about the standings? Which book should I read, Rick? Anything but the ones that contradict your hare-brained narrative of an awful, awful Bears team?

It's been too long, Rick. You're just too much fun.