Season Two, Episode Twelve: What's Past is Prologue

This is it. It's all built up to this point. The pain, the anguish. The blood, sweat, and tears. Everything has led to this moment.

You rest your hands upon the ancient, weathered wood of the chest. As if from nowhere, music swells. You lift the lid, unexpectedly light despite the weight of this moment. From within, it glimmers. The music builds as you lean forward; and as it reaches its crescendo you turn around and show the camera. You got it. You got the episode! Equip it to X, Y, Z and use it to listen.

I was doing like a thing, this thing specifically:



They can't all be winners, okay? This episode was recorded simultaneously with the third preseason game, and is the last to be recorded without regular-season football next on the docket. Rejoice! For the Long Dark has ended.



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Week One: THE PROGKAKKE RETURNS

Green Bay Packers @ Seattle Seahawks

Iggins!: This week is ridiculous, there are maybe two games I can pick with certainty, and the Bears get payback next week for getting one of those games. Anyway, the Packers return as the same team they’ve been since they won the Super Bowl, and they’re getting the same overblown hype train. Seahawks win.

Erik: That’s the long and short of it. Even with Rodgers throwing the ball, the Seahawks are one of the few team capable of exposing the Packers’ receiving corps as “Randall Cobb and some dudes.” While Eddie Lacy should be working on full, it makes very little difference against that front. Seahawks.

Code Red: The last time these teams faced the Seahawks defense wasn't even at its full powers and it relentlessly destroyed the Packers offensive line. The only reason the game was close was Pete Carrol's fear of letting the young Russell Wilson loose. He'll have no such qualms this time. Seahawks win.

Mrs. Code Red: Seahawks. Reigning superbowl champion at home? Seems a foregone conclusion to moi.

Buffalo Bills @ Chicago Bears

Erik: The Bills are a… football team. That’s what I got. The offense should be just fine against a once-decent secondary that should be hurting without Jairus Byrd, all that really needs to be seen for me is how much the defense lets them win by. There’s not much to be afraid of out of that Bills offense, seeing as all the Sammy Watkins in the world can only make EJ Manuel so productive. Bears win, 28-17

Code Red: Their defense last year was startlingly good, with a relentless pass rush caused by Mike Pettine constantly shifting his fronts, moving Kiko Alonso and Jairus Byrd around in the second levels to cover any gaps his blitzes created, and taking advantage of confused quarterbacks on their way to 50+sacks. This year they replaced Pettine with the predictable Schwartz, who has only ever stopped Jay Cutler by injuring him. Without Kiko and Byrd, and with the Bears pass protection looking downright dominant even without Jordan Mills, I see nothing stopping Jay from having a big game. Bears win, 31-17.

Mrs. Code Red: Bears, duh. 34-14

Iggins!: Burrrzzzzzzzz win.


Tennessee Titans @ Kansas City Chiefs

Iggins!: The Chiefs are going to take a fall, but not this hard. Chiefs win.

Erik: Yeah, they’re going to go right ahead and make the “We just paid Alex Smith 50 million dollars” game as bad as possible. Chiefs.

Code Red: We will discuss that contract often. I actually think the Titans will be a reasonably respectable 7 win team this year, and were this game in Tennessee I might be tempted. Not in arrowhead, though. Chiefs win.

Mrs. Code Red: Chiefs. I really don't care enough to talk about this.


New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons

Erik: I think this is the year the Falcons finally bring it all hooahahahah. Sorry, couldn’t do it. Saints.

Code Red: that Falcons team is an excellent example of how to be a very talented football team that invested said talent in all the wrong areas. There's nothing about that pass defense that should even remotely give pause to Breesus, and he owned this team even when it was good. Saints.

Mrs. Code Reds: Saints (no comment, but she chuckled with utter disdain at the idea of the Falcons even possibly contending).

Iggins!: The Falcons are pretty good at winning 11-13 games when everyone is healthy, but man, that defense. Yikes. Saints win.


Minnesota Vikings @ St. Louis Rams

Iggins!: I never bet Matt Cassel. I certainly never bet Cassel against perhaps the best defensive line of the last 15 years. Rams win.

Erik: I want the Rams to capitalize on the astoundingly good job they’ve done with that front so bad, but they’re never going to. Won’t matter here, though. Rams.

Code Red: Huh. I'm going to take the Vikings here, because we need Cassel looking competent against their softer opponents so the inevitable ascension of Teddy is put off down the road.

Mrs. Code Reds: Wait is Sam Bradford out? Who is their backup? Who the hell is Shaun Hill? Is he worse than Bradford? Can you be worse than Bradford? Vikings.


Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Erik: The Browns managed to turn the best pre-draft outlook in recent memory into a worse team than last year, thanks in large part to Josh Gordon’s inability to stop doing drugs in his car. The Steelers threw all of their wide receivers in the garbage and both of their running backs should be suspended. TUNE IN FOR THIS ONE. Probably Steelers I guess, at least they have Rapey and Antonio Brown.

Code Red: Yeah the Browns really Browns'd the hell outta this offseason. Steelers win.

Mrs. Code Red: Steelers. Because Browns.

Iggins!: Steelers win I guess, I get the feeling whoever I pick will lose this one.


Jacksonville Jaguars @ Philadelphia Eagles

Iggins!: You know, I really don’t mind this Jags team. Maybe 7-9? Chip is gonna go nuts on them here, though. Eagles win.

Erik: They’ll find a way to fuck it up. Have faith, or at least a lack thereof. Eagles.

Code Red; Yeah there's a lot of replacement level talent on this Jaguars team that should make them respectable in their 6-7 wins this year. This will not be one of those. Eagles win.

Mrs. Code Red: Eagles. But I don't like Chip Kelly. Just throwing that out there.


Oakland Raiders @ New York Jets

Erik: Doooon’t Caaaaaare™. Jets, I suppose.

Code Red: I am suddenly interested in seeing this game. I'll probably watch it on Game Rewind. Be interesting to see what Carr does, since he kinda reminds me of Geno last year. Good physical traits, came out of a spread offense that didn't ask him to make a ton of difficult throws, doesn't handle the rush well. Also interesting to see if there's any substance to the “GENO LOOKS BETTER NOW GUYS” hype (I suspect there is not). Jets win, because Rex Ryan vs. a rookie QB seems to be advantage Rex.

Mrs. Code Reds: Are they starting Derek Carr? That's...the right move, but doubt he's going to win right now. Jets win.

Iggins!: I like the Jets a lot this season, I honestly see the AFC East being the most competitive division, top to bottom, in the NFL. Jets win.


Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens

Iggins!: Predicting these games is always a toss-up. I’ll go home team. Ravens win.

Erik: I just don’t see Flacco suddenly getting it together against that D, especially with Ray sitting at home with his w… that can’t be right, can it? Yep, he’s sitting at home with his wife. Huh. Bengals, anyway.

Code Red: This version of the Bengals is seriously the most talented version of the Bengals of the Dalton Era, and I still have no faith in them. Still, I will bet on them here. Bengals win.

Mrs. Code Red: Bengals.


Washington [REDACTED]s @ Houston Texans

Erik: The Texans’ offense may still be nothing but the roll of tape they use to keep Arian Foster together, but that defensive line is going to crush poor Robert to death. DeSean Jackson will get confused and call in a drive-by. Texans.

Code Red: That Redskins line is still not that great, I see a lot of RG3 running for his life from Clowney/Watt, and that defense is god-awful enough for Fitzpatrick to have a nice day throwing to Andre and DeAndre. Texans.

Mrs. Code Red: Uhh...okay. Texans.

Iggins!: For whatever reason I feel like the racists have the advantage here on turf despite this game being in Houston. Big win for Washington here, then a lot of let down afterwards.


New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins

Iggins!: Erik, join me in the pit of inevitable losses that is the Miami Dolphins! Fins win.

Erik: I will sink every pick into this team. BULLISH. Dolphins begin their impressive march to 19-0.

Code Red: Oh boy, you're both going to ride that train. Patriots.

Mrs. Code Red: Patriots, but I don't think the Dolphins are bad.


Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Erik: The Josh McCown Express has an unfortunate first stop against an absolutely savage Panthers D. That squad gives good teams fits, to say nothing of career backups underthrowing slants to rookies from behind one of the worst offensive lines in football. Panthers.

Code Red: That Panthers defense should take a step back, and I like the talent on that Bucs defense. This has my bet for ugliest game of the opening weekend, but still I think Cam gets it done late. Panthers.

Mrs. Code Red: Panthers. Sorry, Lovie and Josh. But I don't think you have your answers yet.

Iggins!: Man I am either going to win or lose this season in week 1. The Panthers lost pretty much everything in the offseason, their defense will probably be equivalent to Lovie+McCoy, and, I mean, Lovie has gone 10-6 with pretty much this exact Bucs team. Bucs win.


San Francisco 49ers @ Dallas Cowboys

Iggins!: This should be easy, but something about it really concerns me. These 49ers just seem to be trying extra hard to collapse. Still, 49ers win.

Erik: They really do. They’re missing like half their defense, Kap had a lot of troubles last year and this preseason, Frank Gore has to be getting tired by now… but I just can’t see them struggling too much against a defense that finished dead last and then got worse. Niners.

Code Red: Could be a shootout for a while, but that Cowboys defense is going to be historically bad. 49ers win.

Mrs. Code Red: 49ers.


Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos

Erik: LUCK VORSUS MANNING GUYS. OLD VS. NEW AN’ ALL THAT. I think Peyton will have something of a return to Earth, but the Broncos are still just a better team. Broncos.

Code Red: I feel like this has to be the year that shitty Colts roster gets exposed for what it is and falls to the 8 or so wins they were always destined for. Broncos.

Mrs. Code Reds: Broncos. Peyton won't lose at home to the Colts.

Iggins!: The Colts are not good. Broncos win.


New York Giants @ Detroit Lions

Iggins!: These are easily the two teams I can laugh at most easily in all the league. Fuck the Lions, Giants win.

Erik: I’ll gladly board the “Fuck the Lions” train; but after last season I’ll believe the Giants are on the mend when I see it, especially on the road. Lions.

Code Red: and yet, in that train wreck of a Giants season you are talking about, they beat the Lions on the road. Giants win.

Mrs. Code Red: Eww. Not sure about either team. I'll go with Giants, but man do I hate betting on Eli.


San Diego Chargers @ Arizona Cardinals

Erik: I suppose we’ll have to see if Rivers can go for another season of people ignoring the fact that he’s finally playing like the guy they thought he was because he waited too long, but right now momentum is in the Bolts’ favor. Chargers.

Code Red; This should actually be a pretty fun game. The Cardinals have just taken hit after hit on defense this year, but that Chargers defense is still not particularly terrifying. I expect scoring, but I'll take the Chargers.

Mrs. Code Red: Chargers.

Iggins!: Bolts win.

TIME TO PANIC?! A Step By Step Guide to Appropriate Panicking About the Bears

In lieu of my traditional Good, Bad, Ugly breakdown of the third preseason game (in short: GOOD- Offense moved ball, Defensive line did stuff. BAD-everything else. UGLY- Kelvin Hayden), I've gauged the reaction of many Bears fans and surrounding media following the event and decided things need a bit of tweaking. So I'm here to help you all understand just what the appropriate level of panic is on the following Bears:

Jay Cutler: He was sacked twice, the first two times he's gone down all preseason. He was also picked for the first time after Garza snapped the ball early and Jay did a Jay thing trying to get rid of the ball in a hurry. Otherwise though he moved the ball pretty well, had a touchdown nullified by a ticky-tack penalty and another dropped, and averaged almost 8 YPA against the best secondary in the NFL. He finishes his preseason completing 66% with a passer rating just a notch below 100. He's fine. PANIC LEVEL: you know when you wake up at like 1 AM, and you think OH SHIT WHAT TIME IS IT DID I MISS WORK and then you realize it's 1 AM and you have like six more hours of glorious sleep left? That.

I Suppose it Was Inevitable

There was never a chance we were going to make it through an entire season without this happening. There's just too much butthurt over grumpy interviews and short responses and unreasonable expectations for a Sun-Times reporter not to write at least one article comparing Johnny Manziel and Jay Cutler.

But I thought we'd make it farther than this. I thought we'd make it past literally Johnny's first appearance.

And of course it had to be Telander. He just can't figure out how to be nice to Jay. He tries so hard, but he only manages to sound condescending and bitter. Which, in a way, describes Rick Telander perfectly. So I guess we shouldn't be surprised.

And so the 2014 Fisking Season begins, as I lovingly open the box that contains my italics.
 

Season Two, Episode Eleven: Only the Very Realest Talk

Sir, I'm sorry to wake you like this but... they said it couldn't wait. The Expedition they... they found it, sir. Another episode, right where you said it would be. The chopper is fueled and ready, we'll meet them at Fort Booker and ride from there. I just have to ask, sir, how did you know?

This episode is lessened by my absence, which is owed I'm sure to the filthy children I had the misfortune to be near at the museum. Harbingers of pestilence, all of them. And they talked through the whole damn show at the planetarium. Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh right, the podcast. Kyle and Travis discuss preseason, game two and sundry other things. I'm sure they left appropriate gaps for you to just imagine my incisive observations, so here's a quick checklist for improvising your very own Erik Dialogue™

• Endeavor to use as many words as possible to make simple points
• Say "Go HAM" entirely too much (I can't stop, what's wrong with me)
• Awkwardly compare two things in a way that doesn't quite make sense which your friends will reference every day for the next two years
• Try to make a bold claim only to realize you've somehow fallen into the middle ground again because your cohorts are Goddamn cartoon caricatures of people

Just follow those simple steps and you, too, can experience this demonstrably inferior podcast while thinking of me the entire time the way I always do.



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Bears 20, Jaguars 19: Gentlemen, Start Your Overreactions

In the five drives this preseason in which the Bears first team has been on the field they've nabbed two interceptions, allowed two field goals, and given up one touchdown on a drive where they started backed up at their own 18 thanks to a fumble (oh, and they forced a 3rd down sack and killed that drive, yet it was overturned by a bullshit "point of emphasis" defensive holding call). They've allowed just one run longer than seven yards on those drives after being #32 in run defense last year.

Have their been moments of ugliness? Sure. The pressure failed to get home on a few third downs tonight and Chad Henne made them pay. The Bears were playing a vanilla two deep safety concept and there was space underneath. It happens. It's been happening for 10 years now. Ryan Mundy followed up a pretty good start against Philadelphia with a pretty crappy game tonight. I have the same concerns everyone  has, but of course there's more panic than necessary because they gave up a bunch of passing yards in the first half of a preseason game.

My point? It's finally Bears season, and Bears fans are back in force. Love y'all.

The Good:

Jay Cutler: One benefit to the Bears running attack being ass so far this preseason has been that Jay has mostly worked on 3rd and Long passing and he's been very impressive in less than easy situations. He was pretty successful in that scenario last season as well. It's a welcome change from the Martzian days where anything longer than 3rd and 5 probably meant Jay was destined for pain. Jay was 7 of 9 for 75 yards and a TD tonight. So far in the preseason he's 16-22 for 160 yds, 2 TDs, 0 Ints, and a 123 rating.  Most importantly he's yet to take a sack. Stay healthy, Jaiy. This is going to be fun.

Pass Protection: The Jaguars defensive line isn't world-class by any measure, but Sen'Derrick Marks, Chris Clemons, and Red Bryant are not a bad group, and they destroyed poor Josh McCown last week, so it was nice to see Jay have all of the time he could want.

Linebackers: They were atrocious last week, and weren't perfect this week, but Bostic and McClellin deserve a nod for making some plays in the backfield. Bostic in particular obliterated Luke Joeckel to blow up a Toby Gerhart run on 3rd down and force a field goal. I was heartened somewhat by their efforts, at least.

Jeremiah Ratliff: He's been in the backfield a lot so far. It's nice to see. Of all of the terrible things that befell the defense last year, having no presence at under-tackle was the worst. If Ratliff can fix that, good things will follow.

Sherrick McManis: He's always been solid on special teams, but Sherrick really impressed at corner tonight, breaking up one TD pass and being in on several other plays. I wonder if he's putting heat on Kelvin Hayden, who did not impress tonight at all.

Josh Morgan: Unless Eric Weems walks on water during practices, I don't see why the hell he should get another chance to run with the ones. Morgan caught all three of his targets for 41 yards, with one very impressive leaping grab. He's got by far the best NFL track record of any of the candidates, and it's not even close.

Blake Bortles: I'm sure Ron Hyperbole Jaworski will have Bortles in the hall of fame by tomorrow if he thinks Logan f*&king Thomas is a Pro Bowler, but Bortles made some very nice throws tonight. I was impressed.

The Bad:

Safeties: They were bad. Specifically Mundy, who was out of place on the only long run the first team D allowed and on one of the third down conversions as well.

Kelvin Hayden: I'm glad to hear Kyle Fuller is fine, because Hayden does not appear improved from his year off. Marqise Lee abused him twice. The penalty on him was bullshit, but, oh well. Kelvin Hayden sucks. This is not news.

Eric Weems: I've said it three goddamn years in a row. What purpose does this man serve? He was terrible on all three kick returns he got, fumbled to set up a TD, and I am not at all surprised his "great camp" hasn't translated to anything in games because when a man's best season (11 catches for 90 yards) is a bad game for Brandon Marshall that person does not usually break out in year eight. I saw the better version of this movie when it was called Devin Hester, and this direct-to-video sequel sucks. Get him off the field. 

The Ugly: 

Injuries: Kyle Fuller left after the first play of the game, which cost him some useful developmental time. Fortunately X-rays on his ankle are negative and he said he should be fine. The Zach Miller injury sounds much worse, and that's sad. Miller clearly has the talent, but unfortunately health sometimes is a skill, too, and he doesn't appear to have that.

 That's all for now. I saw nothing that will cause me to panic yet, but I didn't exactly expect the defense to dominate overnight, either. Next week will be a very interesting test. I'm sure the response to that will be perfectly measured, regardless of what happens.

Go Bears.

Season Two, Episode Ten: FOOTBALL IS (kind of) BACK

There's a piping hot SKOdcast cooling on the windowsill; and I know you're going to steal it so I went ahead and baked two and I put one up there because you ragamuffins just look so cute all dirty from playing all day. In it, we discuss preseason game one with Travis, who did not watch it because his life is now ruled by a tiny woman who communicates primarily by shrieking and/or urinating. We also briefly touch on predictions for tomorrow night's contest against the mighty Jaguars, fresh off their rousing victory over Lovie Smith's Bucs.

As usual, join us in the shoutbox for tomorrow night's game (or at least the first-team snaps).




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Bears 34, Eagles 28- Fly Bears Fly?

The Bears won their preseason opener tonight 34-28, racking up 491 yards of total offense. 399 of those yards came through the air, as Bears quarterbacks completed 29 of 44 passes (65.9%) for 407 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs, and just 2 sacks. Unfortunately for Jordan Palmer, both sacks and the first interception came while he was under center, and that should have some impact on things going forward.

Most importantly for the Bears, besides no starters suffering injuries during the game (although Jared Allen, Kyle Long, Jordan Mills, Tim Jennings, and Martellus Bennett all missed the game for various reasons), was the fact that the starters all seemed to play well. The first string offense looked very effective in brief duty, with Cutler leading a long scoring drive that culminated in a rocket strike to Zach Miller for a touchdown. The first string defensive line made it's presence known early on, with Jay Ratliff pressuring Nick Foles into one interception and Willie Young pressuring him into another. Preseason or no, the Eagles have a very good offensive line and  those kinds of results are encouraging to see.

Most of the game was dominated by the backups, of course, and so we'll discuss the notables below.

A SKOdcast Double Duper in Honor of the Return of BAER FOOBAW

It's SKOdcast day, loyal readers and/or listeners, as well as PRESEASON GAME ONE DAAAAAAAAAAAY. Get ready for six to twelve snaps of not-that-hard-hitting Bears football followed by a scrimmage between 44 people who will hopefully never see this much playtime again.

Thanks in part to the birth of his spawn, Travis is to blame for the delay on posting episode eight as well as his absence from episode nine. HOWEVER, this allows us to present you with a delicious double scoop of pods and/or casts (please tell your server beforehand if you have any allergies) pertaining to training camp and the looming preseason.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE. We (or at least I) will be in the SKOsbox for at least the interesting parts of tonight's game, feel free to join us if you want to discuss the incontrovertible evidence we will see that the Bears are going 4-12 or 15-1.

*editor's note: I uploaded the wrong file, so if you had to listen to Travis eat French toast and discuss whether or not my dad had diarrhea, you're welcome.


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Jay Cutler, Andy Dalton, Alex Smith and Quarterback Inflation in the Modern NFL

Anyone remember the 90s? Outside of the awesome zubaz and Clinton's extra-marital stuff? Me neither. But what I do remember is that teams really, really sucked at drafting quarterbacks back then. Between 1990 and 1999 there were twenty quarterbacks taken in the first round. Of those twenty quarterbacks, four were Peyton Manning (greatest ever), Donovan McNabb (actually underrated, really good), Steve McNair (probably overrated, still pretty good), and Drew Bledsoe (he...did some things, right? I remember him doing a thing once. You might remember it, too. No, not that thing. The other thing). That's an OK group, although Peyton is the only truly great player to come out of the entire decade.

Of the other 16 quarterbacks, the best of the group is probably Kerry Collins. You never want Kerry Collins to be the best of anything, unless for some reason you are ranking "best 1990s quarterbacks who were also drunken racists," and even then we all know we're just waiting for someone to crack and tell Brett Favre's darkest secrets.

Your 2014 Bears Training Camp/Roster Breakdown: Special Teams and Coaches

So now we reach the end. The special teams. The other third. Those guys that you usually ignore until they fuck up, at which point you're incensed because even though you get winded carrying groceries up the stairs you wonder aloud how hard it can be to cover a goddamn kick returner running a 4.3 forty. This year the Bears have actually had some unusual turnover on what has typically been a solid unit for them, with Devin Hester moving on, Adam Podlesh getting his walking papers, and, sigh, Patrick Mannelly retiring.

I haven't really addressed it yet so I'm just going to take a sidebar here to say goodbye to Mannelly. He was awesome, he was always great to fans on Twitter and in any other interaction (from what I've heard), he had great hair, and, most importantly, he was ruthlessly efficient at his job. The Bears may have more bad snaps this season than they've had since I was nine years old, and that would be true even if they had all of three of them all year. Pat never got it wrong. It was a joke of mine during the Jauron Era that the best player on the Bears was the long snapper, and while that's nothing for an organization to hang their hat on, at least in Pat's case it meant that he was one of the best in the league at what he did. I will miss him.

THE KICKERS:

#9 Robbie Gould

Yeah, there's just one. It's Robbie. He's great. If you don't think so, regardless of whether he missed that kick in Minnesota or not, you can rot. Robbie was actually accurate on a career high 89.7% of his kicks last year despite having his most attempts since 2006. That happens when your offense actually moves the ball, apparently. You get more kicks and stuff. It's great. He did miss an extra point though, so you know the end is nigh.

THE PUNTERS:

#16 Pat O'Donnell, #1 Tress Way

O'Donnell apparently launched a couple of punts the other day that were so impressive the crowd gave him a standing ovation. Bears fans know good punting, that's for sure. Still, the question will be which of Way and O'Donnell looks more impressive as a directional punter, regardless of how strong O'Donnell's leg is. I still assume Pat wins the job, though.

Your 2014 Bears Training Camp/Roster Breakdown: The Defense

The Monsters of the Midway. The fearsome guardians of the line of scrimmage. The bringers of the black and blue to the black and blue division. The defense! The pride of the Chicag-

What  the hell that's not BEAR FOOTB---

                             
                                                               Oh goddammit.

NOW I remember. This defense was ass last year. It was worse than ass. It was boils on ass.   It was the worst defense in franchise history, and it ruined all of the unreserved joy we should have had over the offense's progress. Such is life.

So here we are now, with a defense that will, at the very least, look very different this year. Will it play better? Well, yeah. That's not that hard to do. Will it be good enough to make the playoffs? I say yes. What did you really expect?

Your 2014 Bears Training Camp/Roster Breakdown: The Offense

FOOTBALL IS BACK. Sure, we're a few weeks away still from a meaningless exhibition game that will serve the purpose of angering all of the wrong people in all of the wrong ways, but people are out there, RIGHT NOW (depending on when I post this) hitting each other in football pads. We have almost made it through the tyranny and oppression of that terrible no man's land where no sports are played except for something called baseball, which I'm told is a pastoral game not unlike cricket. Football has come to save us all, as it always does, until the terrifying, heart-attack inducing reality that is football season actually sets in and my wife spends every Sunday trying to cool me down as I sweat like an Illinois governor at an ethics hearing and my skin turns redder than than Krypton's sun. 

So now it's time to do the breakdown of what is, honest to God, the strongest unit on the Bears this year: the offense. There's going to be some breathless, erotic analysis coming here so I warn you, you may want to loosen the pants. I certainly did.

QUARTERBACKS:

#6 Jay Cutler, #8 Jimmy Clausen, #2 Jordan Palmer, #12 David Fales

There's a lot of talk this year about Cutler maturing, finally being at peace with himself and his surroundings, taking on the true responsibilities of leadership and well, OK. Here's the thing: all of that may be true. Hell it probably is true. He's got a lot to feel comfortable about as he's finally entering year two of a system he likes (and that he knows actually fucking works), he's got everyone back on offense around him, and in a nice change of pace that's actually a really awesome thing. But there's probably not much of a difference personality-wise in this year's Cutler than in last years. The people writing those stories just know that Jay was doing damn well last year before he got hurt, and there's nothing but injury that's going to stop him from having the best year a Bears quarterback has ever had at the minimum (and probably a hell of a lot more than that). They just don't want to be caught hanging onto their manufactured Jay Cutler bullshit from years past when it happens.

Season Two, Episode Seven: You asked, we (kind of) answered!

There is a freshly decanted episode of Start Kyle Orton in the study if sir or madam is so inclined, and I've taken the liberty of drawing you a bath.

You gave us questions, we picked some of them, we further modified some of those ones that we picked, and then we answered them! And it only took me like two weeks to post, which is very nearly a record.

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A very special non-football shoutout to Rated M for Marathon

ATTENTION READERS AND/OR LISTENERS. This weekend, I am participating in Rated M for Marathon, a 72-hour marathon of superhero video games to benefit Child's Play. Child's Play provides books, toys and games to children in long-term hospital care and domestic abuse shelters. Join as at twitch.TV/ratedMFormarathon, where our dignity is for sale! Currently, we are doing shots for dollars. Every ten dollars allows you to force me to do a double shot. We are also singing, reading fan fiction, and being tazed. Our dignity is for sale!

Now back to your regularly scheduled HOT SPORTS TAKES.

Engage Subliminal Programming Alpha

Attention SKOdcast listeners: The moment is upon us. The first official test of the Start Kyle Orton Football Pedantry Hypnotism Initiative™begins now. Fortunately for you, we just want you to request topics or questions for discussion in this week's episode instead of, say TOPPLE THE GOVERNMENT.

So if you would all kindly post your requests to this article, leave one in the SKOsbox to the right, or else get at Kyle on the Twitter that graces the top of our page, or else e-mail us at startkyleorton@gmail.com (full disclosure: I don't actually know if Travis ever checks that e-mail), we'll endeavor to hit as many as we can.

And now I'm hearing sirens. Did you guys... the government thing was a joke. No, stop! Stop! ENGAGE COMMAND OVERRIDE NECKBEARD-THREE-SEVEN. Oh, of course that's the part that didn't work.

Ex-Bears Quarterback of the Day: Rick Mirer

Twelve years before Jay Cutler, the Bears traded a different first round pick to a different AFC West team to acquire a strong-armed mobile quarterback. The man was to be the 9,787th attempt at finding a savior at the most important position, and he was also supposed to the person who saved Dave Wannstedt's ass. He failed epically at both.

This man, of course, was Rick Mirer.

The Skodcast Season Two, Episode Six: In Which Kyle Dies

 There is a new episode of the Skodcast with which to massage your cochlea, if that's the sort of thing you're into. And you read it right, Kyle does indeed die at the end of this episode. From now on it's just Travis and I, and we're mostly going to grunt at each other over Skype while playing video games.

But for now, feast your offseason-addled brains on our riveting discussion of Jimmy Clausen, the tandem evolution of the nickel corner and slot receiver roles, and probably a bunch of other shit I dunno. These things are like an hour long, I'm not going to listen to the entire thing before I do the write-up.


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Ex-Bears Quarterback of the Day: Shane Matthews

The offseason is long, and dreary, and hell, I even watched soccer this week. To liven things up it's time for another sure-to-be-quickly-abandoned Start Kyle Orton Recurring Feature. This one focusing on the principle this entire site was founded on: discussing mediocre Bears quarterbacks.

Today, it's time to re-visit the man whose arm strength made Christian Ponder look like Brett Favre (if Brett Favre's throwing arm had actually been replaced with a cybernetic throwing arm that was even stronger): Shane Matthews.

How He Came to Be a Bear:
After a record-breaking career at the University of Florida (where all of his records were like, immediately broken by Danny Wuerffel), Matthews went undrafted because, well, dat arm. The Bears signed him as a UFA and he spent 1993-1996 as the third string quarterback, starting zero games and throwing just 17 passes, all in his final year. He then spent 1997 and 1998 with the Panthers before the Bears brought him back for the 1999 season.

Matthews was expected to compete for the third string job with Jim Miller and Moses Moreno, as longtime Bears starting QB Erik Kramer was expected to start until first round pick Cade McNown was ready. Everything about that sentence depresses the living shit out of me. The Bears unexpectedly released Kramer in June, however, and entered training camp with Matthews competing directly with McNown for the starting spot, which Matthews won, because the opponent was Cade McNown.

Back from the Depths: Phil Emery, Marc Trestman and the Re-Building of Jay Cutler

I keep going back to the game between the Bears and Cardinals in December of 2012. Following two disheartening losses to the Vikings and Packers (where Jay had been underwhelming at best) that dropped the team out of the playoff hunt, the Bears desperately needed a win against the Cardinals and some help in order to stay alive. During the game against the lifeless 5-9 Cardinals, Jay completed less than half of his passes for a measly 146 yards and looked lost. This wasn't a young, reckless, frustrated QB responding to breakdowns in protection by firing fastballs into double coverage. It wasn't even Jay forcing deep balls downfield in a futile attempt to make a play. It was just a quarterback who looked erratic, inaccurate, and lost.

Phil Emery saw the same thing. Jay Cutler was lost, and Phil had a choice to make. Keep the head coach and coordinator who was supposedly so estranged from his own quarterback that the two barely spoke and lose the quarterback forever, or replace them and dedicate one more year to trying to reclaim the talented young passer who threw for over 4500 yards and made the Pro Bowl in his last year in Denver.

As we know, Emery made the choice to roll with Cutler, and the result was a 2013 season that was, despite being cut short by injury, Cutler's best in many ways. He set career highs in passer rating, had the highest completion % of his Bears career, the second highest yards per game average of his career, and the highest TD%. Emery saw enough in Cutler's progress in 2013 to reward him with a long term contract extension. With Cutler the Bears starter at quarterback for the foreseeable future, it's worth looking back at Emery's plan and seeing how he and Marc Trestman turned Jay back into a viable starter.

1) Find the Coach: There were different reasons why the previous offensive coordinators that handled Jay in Chicago had all failed. Ron Turner's scheme was vanilla and outdated, and incapable of producing without a dominant run game.