Fuck You Guys

You thought I'd just resign if you asked me back? Fuck you. Like that asshole Nick Saban I don't have time for this shit. I hope you fuckers are happy without A-Rod and with Don Mattingly as your new manager. I haven't seen THAT before. OH WAIT.

Oh, and by the way? I hope Jeter dies in a car crash while he is castrated by an angry koala bear.

Iggins! NFL Power Rankings post week 6

A few things about the last week that have crossed my mind:

- My opinion (nay, my FACT!) coincides with Red in that the BCS is a horrifying experiment that never went wrong because IT WAS ALWAYS WRONG. Nobody would ever say, "Golly, I hope the NFL or the NBA changes from a playoffs system to a BCS-like system. " And that is with good reason. Ohio State would get beaten by each of the twelve teams directly below them. USF would get beat by at least half of them. The horror that is... the BCS!

- Honestly, Devin Hester is the biggest game changer in the league and if the Bears had ANY offense we would score at least 35 a game based solely on field position and Hester TD's. Where the fuck is Orton? WHERE?!?!!?

- I'm looking forward to Iowa returning to form this weekend in God's rebuke for their win over Illinois. Maybe Christensen'll get pulled now. I can hope, right?

- Also, yes, my Bisquit is awesome.

- Now on to the NFL...


Maybe they need to pray more to Christ Jesus...
32) Miami Dolphins
31) St. Louis Rams (In grave danger of taking the bottom spot)

How did they get a win again...?
30) Atlanta Falcons (So I'm playing Madden 08 in the 4th year of my franchise and I play the Falcons. There's Mike Vick. I laugh hysterically for minutes)
29) Buffalo Bills
28) New York Jets

Fuck Cincinnati
27) Cincinnati Bengals

Overrated
26) Denver Broncos
25) New Orleans Saints (They looked like the Saints on Sunday Night. I'll wait and see which team is the real New Orleans: The Saints or the Aints)

Goddamnit
24) Chicago Bears
23) Minnesota Vikings

Soon to be scraping the bottom of the barrel
22) San Francisco 49ers
21) Oakland Raiders (Look here, Oakland, Culpepper is the same damn person that Jamarcus Russell is. So why not play the guy who needs experience?)
20) Seattle Seahawks (Wow Shaun Alexander is bad. What the hell happened there?)

Dangerous... kinda
19) Baltimore Ravens (Boller is back! Alright?)
18) Cleveland Browns (So... Derek Anderson, huh? Really?)
17) Houston Texans (Too bad these guys play in a division with Indy, Jacksonville, and Tennessee.)
16) Arizona Cardinals (Who the hell is their 3rd string QB?... Tim Rattay and Tim Hasselbeck, huh? Well, there's always next year.)

Mediocrity is the spice of life...?
15) Detroit Lions
14) Kansas City Chiefs
13) Philadelphia Eagles (Hey D-McNabb? The Bears called. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!)
12) Washington Redskins (Oh, too bad for these guys their coach is senile, otherwise they'd be much higher.)
11) Carolina Panthers (I do not prescribe the the Vinny Testaverde theory.)

Lookin' Good
10) New York Giants
9) San Diego Chargers (LT is LT again! Ihope he learned his lesson and will stop making ridiculous commercials now.)
8) Tennessee Titans (Not their fault the Madden curse struck VY down)

Contending
7) Tampa Bay Bucs
6) Green Bay Packers
5) Jacksonville Jaguars (Are the Jaguars better than mediocre finally?)

Top Tier
4) Pittsburgh Steelers
3) Dallas Cowboys (You expect me to drop them for losing to a Demon God?)
2) Indianapolis Colts (Peyton: "What, now Brady has good receivers? Dagnabbit.")

Diablo, Lord of Terror, Harbinger of Doom
1) New England Patriots (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

College Football Round Up and Code Red Rankings 10/15/07

In wake of Illinois' disappointing bounce from the 25, which they admittedly deserve, other than the fact that if a two loss Michigan team that lost to Appalachiafuckin State can be ranked, than a two loss Illinois team that lost to a ranked team and an in-conference rival, should probably be ranked as well, and after Kentucky's upset win over LSU (golf clap for Iggins! for predicting said upset. *clap* *clap*), Cal's loss to Oregon State, and the fact that Ohio State is now #1 and South Florida is #2, which sums up everything that is wrong with the BCS, I am not going to do a game by game roundup of the past week's top 25 results, as the entire ranking system and BCS is a damned sham and anyone who puts any stock into any rankings until the BCS is finally abolished French Revolution style is a miserable sheep and a terrible human being,

Storm the BCS! Behead Myles Brand!

instead, I'm going to post a completely inane top 25 ranking list that will somehow magically hold all the validity of the AP and BCS rankings. Because if an Ohio State team with zero quality wins and SOUTH FUCKING FLORIDA are 1 and 2, justice has evaporated from the world, and any miserable little shit head who tries to tell you that the BCS is great because every college game is now a playoff is a moron. Yes, every game is playoff. I'm sure Ohio State sat there reviewing the film and chanting "play like there's no tomorrow" as they marched out to whomp ass on Kent State, while LSU had to march into Kentucky, a resurgent program that now proves there really is no easy game in the entire SEC, and was taken down in one colossal struggle that should give both of the participants a chance at a national title down the road. But it won't, because now that the BCS has finally proven without a doubt that it is a miserable failure, you'll have an undefeated Ohio State team from the Big Ten in one of its least competitive years later playing for the national title, while an LSU/Kentucky/Florida team that will be the best in the land will be pasting Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. Fuck you, college football, let it finally be settled on the field.

So here are my rankings

1. Texas Tech
2. Louisiana-Monroe
3. Spain
4. This Cheese Sandwich


5. Illinois Weslayan
6. Burritos
7. North Glendale High School
8. Voltron

9.Middle Tennessee State
10. The Chinese restaraunt I go to in Campustown. They have the best fucking egg rolls known to man.
11. Tom Jones

12. Bisquit. Iggins! dog with the misspelled name. She rocks.


13. Ole Miss (fear the Orgeron)
14. Dramatic Squirrel


15. Bill O'Reilly
16. Billy Bob Thornton
17. 1999 Dodge Neon


18. Johnny Walker Black Label


19. ESPN 8, The Ocho
20. Miami Dolphins
21. Smokey, my beloved deceased cat.

The world was not enough for you, Smokey..

22. That thing in the back of your mouth? the hangy thing? I'm ranking that here.
23. The Catholic Church
24. James Lipton

Ha Ha Ha..Delightful

25. Think of the sluttiest girl you've ever known. Rank her here.

HEY!

Illinois! Chicago Bears! Iggins!, looks like you all need...

Where? WHERE?!?!?!!?

Where's this guy?



and this guy?



actually urlacher has been great, but this is funny. (thanks to The Onion)



What happened to these guys?



What happened to my Bears?


Oh. Right.

p.s. Devin Hester rocks, Brian Griese is downright AWFUL, why the fuck didn't we throw like we did at the end of the game the whole game, why does griese keep throwing check downs on 3rd and 10 with 4 receivers downfield, what the fuck happened to our glorious defense, and where the fuck is my pride?



Oh yeah... forgot again.

Lil Wayne's NFL week 6 picks

Yo fuck y'all, I'm tired an I wanna watch me some games so you can make up sum shit I think bout each game, tricks. Here's what I think:

picks in BOLD CAPS Minnesota @ CHICAGO Miami @ CLEVELAND WASHINGTON @ Green Bay CINCINNATI @ Kansas City TENNESSEE @ Tampa Bay St. Louis @ BALTIMORE HOUSTON @ Jacksonville PHILADELPHIA @ NY Jets Carolina @ ARIZONA Oakland @ SAN DIEGO NEW ENGLAND @ Dallas New Orleans @ SEATTLE MONDAY NIGHT: NY GIANTS @ Atlanta

Lil Wayne's NCAA Football record: 6-3 (plus the Iowa win was a moral victory times 1000)
Lil Wayne's NFL record: N/A

Oh, Your Ass is SOOO Fucking Redacted.

Hey, you!


Yes you, the hopelessly befuddled football "coach".

Look, I really wanted to like you. After a 4-19 start the last two years I had the balls to go against the entire blogosphere and remove your [Redacted] label as it applied to you as head coach of the Fighting Illini. I praised your still undeniably great recruting abilities. But recruiting does not make the coach, my friend. So looking at the overall image of your "coaching", I'm forced to do this by your own hand. That's right, "coach". Your ass is RE-REDACTED. God fucking damn you, kind sir. You know what you have cost me this day? A chance at glory. I stood on the cusp of unlimited, immortal glory. I could have stood over the shattered soul of Iggins! as his season finally, completely, sunk into unmitigated despair. But thanks to you, oh genius of the gridiron, I have lost that chance. You have given Iggins! the bragging rights, sir, and for this you may never be forgiven. Now, even should we finish the regular season 11-2 with a Big Ten Title and BCS bowl win (which only seems incredibly fucking unlikely with your solid steering of the helm, Captain Jackass), Iggins! shall have his glorious exclamation point with which to cast our entire season aside in shame. You had better go undefeated as mentioned above, "Coach". You know why? Because that's the only way to avoid the fate that you have now set before yourself at my hands, sir. Had you won this week, you could have lost every game the rest of the way and finished 6-6 after a third tier bowl loss and I'd have been fine. But no, you had to accept penalties, not once, but TWICE, that would have forced Iowa into 4th down had you declined them. You had to run the option every fucking time, when every single person watching that game knew it would fail. You know what you should have done, "coach"? What Iowa lined up and dared you to do. You should have abandoned your glitzy offense, lined up man to man, overpowered a less talented team, and you should have HANDED RASHARD MENDENHALL THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU FUCKING COCK! Not on an option pitch, not on a toss, you should have handed off the fucking ball to your powerhouse running back and let him pound his way through a defense that was daring him to try. But now that you have cost me glory over Iggins!, you must finish perfect the rest of the way or you have set into action events which can not end well for either of us, Sir. For should you lose to Michigan next week in Memorial Stadium, or even to Ohio State, I will be waiting for you. I will hunt you down in a cold fury, determined to enact my bloody revenge for this day. I will lurk in the shadows, Coach Zook. I will cover myself in the blood of my enemies who have preceeded you and I will add your bones to their heap. I will confront you in the shadows outside of your home, instilling myself with courage from a bottle of Jack Daniels, and when I have had my fill I shall shatter that bottle upon the ground between us and brawl you on the shattered glass and spilled whiskey. The battle that will follow will result only in your demise or mine, or both of us, but even if you should crawl away from the chaos covered in the blood and whiskey and glass, you will be nothing but a fragile shell of the man you are today. I will unleash my battle cry, and with it I will consume your soul, Coach Zook. And know that that was the last time you shall hear your name uttered in the halls of this website, barring nothing short of a BCS Bowl win or four straight wins over Iowa to erase the shame of this one. The time is now, Coach [Redacted], the time is now.

Alllllllllriiiiiiiiiight

This is a good day for me. Good day. The Iowa student section was as pumped as theyve ever been the whole game and somehow we pulled it out in the end. 8 years, illini fans. Don't worry, you still have basketball.





IIIIIIIIII
OOOOOOOOO
WWWWWWWW
AAAAAAAAAAA

Friday Predictions II

Code Red: Hello again, folks. As you might remember from last week we introduced a new weekly event here on Start Kyle Orton, where Iggins!, myself, and a celebrity guest choose one NFL team guaranteed to win, one NFL team guaranteed to lose, one NFL player guaranteed to be a fantasy football stud, and the winner of the week's biggest college matchup,this week's being Missouri-Oklahoma . Our celebrity guest, and this one is a real treat as he is a personal hero of mine, is news giant and standard bearer for traditional American values, Bill O'Reilly. Papa Bear, thank you for joining us.


Bill O'Reilly: Happy to be here, Mr. Red. Which, I've been meaning to ask you and I think America wants to know the truth, why that particular nickname?

Code Red: Well it's an allusion to a comment made by Atlanta Falcons cornerback Deangelo Hall..

Bill O'Reilly: Or an overt declaration of your communist sentiments. Now I think all America asks is that in the interests of objectivity, you state your political leanings, rather than pass your leftist drivel off as "news", much like CNN or MSNBC, who, if I may point out, are once again being thumped by Fox News in the ratings. I think America has decided on that one.

Code Red: No, no, I loathe communism, I watch your show daily, Mr. O'Reilly.

Bill O'Reilly: As many Americans do. Might I point out that the Factor is the highest rated show on all of cable news?

Code Red: Well yes, but we really need to move on to the topic of this post..

Bill O'Reilly: Just like all the others of your kind, when confronted with the facts you run away from the issue!

Code Red: I...I just, Iggins!?

Iggins!: Yea...no, I like where this is going. Bill, call him a communist again.

Code Red: Dude, that's cold. Umm, anywho, my NFL team guaranteed to win this week is the Cincinnati Bengals, who I think will come out with vengeance to shake off three straight bad performances to defeat the Kansas City Chiefs. My NFL team guaranteed to lose is the Jets against the Eagles. My fantasy football Pimp of the week...

Bill O'Reilly: You're praising a pimp? What kind of degradation do you stand for?

Code Red: Well he's not really a pimp, its just a matter of expression standing for someone who performs well..

Bill O'Reilly: You label someone as a pimp as a compliment? Do you realize what this progressive slang of yours does to damage the fabric of America?

Code Red: I...I...Papa Bear... I...

Iggins!: This moment is so delicious, I want to wrap it in foil and stick it in my fridge so I can pinch off tiny bits of it to cheer me up whenever I'm feeling down.

Code Red: My..umm.. MVP of the week is Willis McGahee of the Ravens agains the Rams defense. And I'm going to take Oklahoma over Missouri 28-17. Iggins!?

Iggins!: My team guaranteed to win is da Bears over the Minnesota Vikings. My team guaranteed to lose is Green Bay against the Redskins, because the ball is rolling on the Packers descent begins in earnest this week. My fantasy football player of merit..

Bill O'Reilly: See how respectfully he termed that?

Code Red: What, no, no! He hardly ever even watches the Factor! He listens to rap music! His entire vocabulary is ripped from ebonics!

Bill O'Reilly: Flattery will get you no where, sir, what we have here is a Fine American.

Iggins!: Oh, my God, the taste, its so sweet.. but said player once again is Randy Moss. Me, I take Oklahoma over Missouri, 28-23. Mr. O'Reilly, sir?

Bill O'Reilly: Why thank you, young man. It's young men like you that give me hope for the future.

Code Red: He once threatened to shit on the Pope's grave! You're an Irish Catholic! He's a TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING!

Bill O'Reilly: Are you defaming the church? Despicable. Utterly despicable. I'm going to guarantee Cardinals will beat Carolina, I'm going to guarantee an Oakland loss to San Diego, and my top player of the week will be Carson Palmer.

Code Red: And the winner of the college game, sir?

Bill O'Reilly: I'm taking Notre Dame.

Code Red: But we're picking the Missouri-Oklahoma winner...

Bill O'Reilly: I grew up in a traditional American home of Irish ancestry. I watch Notre Dame, son, because thats true American football.

Iggins!: Yeah, Code Red, show some respect for an American institution.

Code Red: You hate Notre Dame! You once said God created vampires for the express purpose of killing Catholics!

Iggins!: This is just low of you to slander my character.

Bill O'Reilly: We've shown you the truth about this young man, America. The spin stopped here.

Code Red: Oh I give up.

Lil Wayne picks College Football

Aight hoz, dis is some shit I can pick. All dat baseball be pissin me off, time fuh a real sport: football. Today I'll getcha some college picks an tomorrow we got some NFL shit fuh ya ass.

Iowa Hawkeyes @ (18)Illinois Fighting Illini, 11:00ct, ESPN2
Shit why dey got me pickin dis shit? They aint e'en gon pick dis on college gameday. Illinois be better at pretty much everything. I feel bad fuh dat Iggins! mufucka havin to go watch dis shit. Po muthafucka. Ah well.
Illinois by 25

Georgia Tech @ Miami FL, 11:00ct, ESPN
Look, ima tell y'all wat I said bout FSU yesterday (by da way i wun dat game, bitchez). Stop ranking deez bitchez! FSU and Miami bof suck, at least Miami ain't ranked. Chan Gailey might put ma ass ta sleep but no doubt GTech wins dis one.
Georgia Tech by 17

(19)Wisconsin @ Penn State, 2:30ct, ABC
Yo the Big Ten is borin n shit, man. Bein from Louisiana I guess I be used to bein good on offense AND defense, nawmsayin? Anyways bof of deez teams are overrated but I think Penn State'll find a way ta win here, y'know, zombies and the white out shit bein on they side.
Penn State by 3

(1)LSU @ (17)Kentucky, 2:30ct, CBS
Upset of da day, bitchez. Sportscenter been talkin like LSU already undefeated an that aint bode well fuh my hometown team. Andre Woodson gon pass all ova deez hoes, but t'll be CLOSER than the experts think. (Shout out to ma boy Lee Corso)
Kentucky by 6

(11)Missouri @ (6)Oklahoma, 5:30ct
What da hell iz dis? Shit aint bein broadcast? Dumb fucks. Anyway, dis is a hard one fuh me. Mizzou been lookin good, Chase Daniels been throwin n runnin all ova hiz enemies. But I don think Oklahoma gon be caught nappin like dey waz in Boulder. Oklahoma gon take dis one.
Oklahoma by 13

Louisville @ (15)Cincinnati, 6:00ct, ESPNU
Louisville kinda sucks, aint they? Brian Brohm can pass pretty good but shit, he aint got no defense. Dey gave up 38 to 'cuse man. Cincinnati kicks way mo azz den y'all think, so dis matchup is prolly gon end in pain n suffrin fo da Cardinals.
Cincinnati by 24

(22)Auburn @ Arkansas, 6:45, ESPN
Yo, I can't believe ma eyez! Auburn be ranked again! Shit, deez mufuckin poll givin mufuckas need a be put in check. Unfortunately dey be playin a team who sucks equally, da only difference bein Darren McFadden and Houston Nutt vs. a great Auburn defense. I'm predictin a game that stays in da teens, Arkansas comes out on top cuz dey be at home.
Arkansas by 2

Colorado @ Kansas State, 8:15, ESPN2
And ta wrap dis shit up we pick da late late why da fuck dis be so late game. Dan Hawkins be leadin his Buffs into battle like dey be Spartans or some shit-ed. (Madness? THIS...IS...DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!! Go play intramurals, brother)-but I don tink dey be able to beat K-State afta dey lost to Kansas an had ta watch dat crazy video on youtube wit da jayhawk bendin ova da wildcat. Dat shit is FUCKED UP man.
Kansas State by 10

Weezy's MLB Series Record: 2-2
Weezy's NCAA Football Record: 1-0
Weezy's NFL Record: N/A

Illinois vs. Iowa, the Iggins! chronicles.

Instead of battling random ass statistics I'll break down the real statistics and position battles about to unfold on Saturday. But first, allow me to retort...


Well allow me to retort!

-Zook beats Ferentz? Really? Is there one person on the planet who actually believes that?

-I agree, Herky scares the shit out of me, and perhaps getting rid of the Chief was wrong but, honestly, Illini Fans, SHUT THE FUCK UP. We do not care, not a goddamn one of us. Us being the WORLD, ASSHOLES. Also that picture looks like the chief at a football game. Wanna guess how many Illini fans knew the Chief went to football games?

In any case, here we go:



QBs: Isiah "Juice" Williams vs. Jake "Dumbass" Christensen

You'd think this category would be slightly more even than it is, what with Juice's giving mentality (especially giving to the opposition), but it really isn't. Jake Christensen is a goddamned retard. If the play call is anything but a screen of some kind he WILL NOT throw the ball, he'll wait six seconds then run or get sacked. At least Juice has some balls. Christensen's a bigger pussy than Lil Kim's.
Advantage: Illini

RBs: Albert Young/Damian Sims vs. Rashard Mendenhall

This is a bit more even. The combination of Albert Young and Damian Sims is very dangerous, Albert running through you and Sims running around you. But for two reasons, Illinois wins this matchup. One, Iowa has no pass game what with our quarterback sucking total dick, so the Illini (unless Zook coaches like Zook) should stack the line and blitz, blitz, run stop. Number two, Rashard Mendenhall is the most impressive physical specimen I've seen in a long time. He has GIGANTIC muscles and incredible speed. He's the total package. He will be contained to some extent due to a very good Iowa run defense but he'll still have a better game than Young/Sims.
Advantage: Illini

WRs: DJK vs. Arrelious Benn

Since the rest of both these receiving platoons are either injured or suck, we'll just compare Darrell-Johnson Koulianis to Arrelious (I refuse to call him rejus) Benn. Okay, obviously Benn is better than DJK, but DJK has shown some true ability, the problem is his quarterback can't get him the damn ball because he's a pussy. Benn is more of a runner in Zook's offense for some reason, but hey, so is Percy Harvin. Benn wins.
Advantage: Illini

OL: Iowa vs. Illinois
Look, we all know Iowa's line is great, and somehow they've managed to give Christensen six to seven whole seconds in the pocket all year under tremendous rushes. If Christensen would throw the damn ball they'd get more respect. The Illini's line is good, but hey, we're Iowa. We do the O-Line thing well.
Advantage: Hawkeyes



D-Line: Iowa vs. Illinois
Actually, from what I've seen (I've watched a lot of Illinois football this year) Illinois' line is actually decent, which surprised me, considering how bad their D normally is. I thought J Leman was their only good player. But their line doesn't compare to Iowa's. Three future top 3 round draft picks: Kenny Iwebema, Bryan Mattison, and Mitch King plus one possible draftee: Matt Kroul absolutely tear through people, stopping the run game and harassing the quarterback. They'll give Juice trouble and flush him out of the pocket a lot, but don't expect Juice to go down, Iowa has problems with fast QBs (Iowa State).
Advantage: Hawkeyes

Linebackers: Iowa vs. Illinois
Really this comes down to Mike Klinkenborg and Humpal vs. J Leman. J Leman is the best LB in the country, but Iowa might have the best LB lineup in the Big Ten. This is tough but I think the combined ability of Klinky and Humpal equal the massive talent that is J Leman.
PUSH

Secondary: Iowa vs. Illinois
This is the easiest one on this list. Iowa's secondary can't stop anything, hell we let Anthony Morelli pass all over us. The only time we stop the other team's passing game is when our line disrupts the QB. Illinois has Vontae Davis. 'nuff said.
Advantage: Vontae Davis

Special Teams: ________ vs. Illinois
Honestly, I don't want to talk about how our kickers can't make anything, how we haven't gotten a touchback all year, and how our punter kicks it long when we need it short and kicks it short when we need it long. At least DJK returns the ball well.
Advantage: Whoever plays us

So, to summarize Illinois goes 5-2-1 in this little battle and demonstrates exactly why they're going to mop the damn floor with us on Saturday. Our defense will do all it can, but when your offense goes 3 and out every drive it's hard to hold anybody under twenty points.
Final Score: Illinois-45 Iowa-13

Illinois Vs. Iowa, Battle of the Random Ass Statistics Part II

After the first two rounds, we have Illinois and Iowa tied 1-1, so here are the final three rounds to determine who truly deserves our praise as a football team.

Round 3: Head Coaches
I kind of already touched on this beforehand, but basically here's the current breakdown of the two head coaches.

Illinois- Ron Zook


Coaching History : College Assistant Coach: Murray State, Cincinnati, Kansas, Tennessee, Virginia Tech, Ohio State, Florida. NFL Assistant Coach: Pittsburgh Steelers, Kansas City Chiefs, New Orleans Saints. College Head Coach: Florida, Illinois.

Head Coaching Record: UF- 23-15. Illinois- 9-20 Overall: 32-35, 47% Winning Percentage. Bowl Games: 0-3

Notable for: Two top 25 recruiting classes in his first two years at Illinois. Has the distinction of being the first head coach to have a website calling for his firing (www.fireronzook.com) up and running before had even coached a game at the University of Florida. Once had his coaching and recruiting integrity questioned by John L. Smith (seriously, guuuh). Likes when things get Better and Better. Loves to water ski and ....do whatever the hell it is he's doing in the second photograph.



Seriously, I don't want to know.

Iowa- Kirk Ferentz


Coaching History: Assistant College Coach: Pittsburgh, Iowa. NFL Assistant Coach: Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens. College Head Coach: University of Maine, Iowa.

Head Coaching Record: Maine-12-21, Iowa 57-45, Career:69-66. 51 % Winning Percentage. Bowls: 3-3.

Notable for: Having served under such college and NFL coaching greats as the venerable Hayden Fry and the immortal Bill Bellicheck, Kirk Ferentz has been classically trained in the art of coaching by some of the game's greatest blah blah fucking blah. They guy is a solid football coach with the ability up until the last two seasons to make the most out of under-recruited white guys and was also known for his seemingly magical ability to craft five unknown fat boys in a wall of solid granite on the offensive line. But is this really what you consider a coaching great? One BCS bowl? Hell, Ron Turner had that, and that guy sucked as a head coach (and has made his way onto Iggins! shit list as an offensive coordinator as well). Frankly, there's really nothing at all interesting or notable about Ferentz or the teams he coaches, with the 2002 team and Drew Tate being the only exceptions. He's a solid, milquetoast man and coach and will probably rebound his team from their current slump of the last two years, but will probably never take them to the promised land of a national title. Do I believe Zook will do that for Illinois? Probably not either, but despite the records (and really, I'm as shocked as you are that Ferentz only has a .511 winning percentage as a head coach, but that can be explained away, and I know once he reads this Iggins! will be chomping at the bit to defend him with "yeah, but that's because he had no talent his first few years at Iowa, since then his records been well over .500"), and the fact that over the long run Ferentz will probably be a far more consistently successful head coach than Zook, I choose the Zookster simply because when I googled images of Kirk Ferentz, this is the very first one that came up.


Yeah, that pretty much says it all. Advantage: Illinois

Round 4: The Quarterback that Led Us to Our Last BCS Bowls, and Whom We Hold Dearly In Our Hearts.

Illinois- Kurt Kittner 1998-2001


College Statistics: 43 games, 682 comp./1264 attempts. 8,722 yds. 70 touchdowns, 34 interceptions.

Record as Starter: 25-14. Guided Illinois to Sugar Bowl as a senior in 2001, trampled upon by LSU 47-34.

Since College: Drafted by Falcons in 5th Rd, 2002 Draft. Made 5 starts in place of the injured Mike Vick in 2003, prompted fans to wear brown bags over their head with "Kurt Kittner Fan Club" written on them. Cut by the Falcons in 2004, he was a backup/practice squad QB for the Bears in 2005. Was MVP of the World Bowl with the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe in the summer of 2005, teaming with Jarrett Payton (son of Walter) to win the league championship. Is now the color commentator for the Fighting Illini radio broadcasts (and it's awesome).

Iowa- Brad Banks 2001-2002


College Statistics: Passing- 23 games, 213 comp./362 attempts. 3,155 yds. 30 tds, 7 interceptions. Rushing- 122 attempts, 574 yards. 4.7 yards per rush. 7 tds.

Record as Starter: 11-2. Despite being a junior college transfer and not starting a single game his junior season(his first at Iowa), much to Iggins! chagrin (quoth the raven: Jon Beutjer Fucking Sucked!), Banks took over as the starter his senior year and guided Iowa to an 11-1 regular season record and share of the Big Ten Conference Title, before being thrashed by USC 38-17 in the Orange Bowl. The game had an interesting back story in that Banks finished second in Heisman voting that year to USC quarterback (and God among Men) Carson Palmer, something that Iggins! initially derided as Banks being jobbed, only to later remark after the bowl game "on second thought, I think they had that one right."

Since College: Undrafted after college, Banks went to training camp with the Redskins in 2003 but was cut shortly afterward. Since then he has played in the Canadian Football League for the Ottawa Renegades, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and is currently a member of the Montreal Alouettes.

Result: Well, Kittner was probably a more polished passer and was a four year starter and two time bowl game starter for the Illini, but Banks was a more exciting player, even if for a shorter time, and, let me reiterate, is a Montreal Alouette. I'm gonna throw him a fucking bone on this one. Advantage: Iowa

Round 5: Mascot

Illlinois: Chief Illiniwek (Yeah, You're God Damn Right I'm Saying it, You Bleeding Heart Commie Pussies).


Why We Have (Had) Him: The Illini tribe, which has long since ceased to exist as an independent tribe, was the basis for the name of our school, which coincidentally or not, is the name of our FUCKING STATE. So, racially offensive though it may be merely to name a place after a Native American tribe, (damn you, Sioux Falls!), Illinois has the Fighting Illini team name and had for many years the illustrious chief you see pictured above. However, this is America, and enough whining will override freedom of speech enough to remove anything anybody out there considers offensive, and we had to say goodbye to our beloved icon.

Iowa: Herky the Hawk


Why They Have Him: Iowa is known as the Hawkeye state. The University of Iowa sports teams are the Hawkeyes. That's not exactly rocket science, even for the addled minds of those who reside in that bumfuck state. Herky was born in 1948 when a journalism teacher at Iowa made a drawing of the business director for Iowa's athletic department as he would look were he some kind of creepy bird man. Rather than kill this piss ant teacher, as any redblooded man should have done, the director decided to adopt the drawing as the school's mascot. The name Herky came from a statewide naming contest and is meant to be a reference to Hercules (who, in an unrelated, though poignant to the state of Iowa, matter, is the son of a man who married and had inbred kids with his sister. Zeus, Hera, I'm not kidding, look that shit up) . I find this mascot offensive to Greeks, bird-like athletic directors, and the national audubon society and demand that the costume and whoever the current jackass that wears it is be burned at the stake. God Bless America.

Conclusion: As one final tribute to our tragically heroic mascot, I award this point, the deciding factor to the University of Illinois. If you expected a different result, you're probably a fucking moron. Advantage: Illinois

Game, Set, and Match

Weezy's whirlwind of Predictions

Yo, bitches. I'm back in here afta a bit of a break, ya see, da cubz losin n shit really put a bug up ma ass. But i be movin on now so I'll hit ya up wit some fly ass predictions for whatever the fuck I feel like predictin you hoes.

(21) Florida State @ Wake Forest, Thurs. on ESPN, 6:30 ct
Yo I don't see why FSU e'en deserves ta be ranked at dis point, bruh. Dey ain't good I promise ya, so stop shittin so much bias you be drownin in it, aight Coaches Poll? That mighta given away ma pick, but who gives a fuck? Xavier Lee ain't good, he just black, you racist fucks. Wake Forest still got that underdog mojo goin for em, plus dey beat FSU 30-0 last year in Tallahassee. Wake Forest by 17.

NLCS Game 1, Colorado Rockies @ Arizona Diamondbacks, Thurs. on TBS, 7:30 ct
This shit is pretty tough fuh me y'know, wut wit da Cubs not bein heeya but I'll pick it anyways. The Rockies, despite dey lack of positive american-african role models, managed to beat da shit outta da phils in Philly, and the D-Backs beat Ted Lilly's bad day and Rich Hill's hangin curve ball. Advantage? Killa Mike.
Killer Mike by 49


Killa Kill wins

ALCS Game 1, Cleveland Indians @ Boston Red Sox, Fri. TBS, 6:00 ct
Yo bein as da Indians and da BoSox are the two teams I got right dis matchup sits well wit me. Since I be good at predictin shit in the AL y'all listen when I tell ya dis: Da Indians gon win dis series. C.C. and my boy Fausto "I sold ma soul fo knowledge" Carmona are too much, if dis shit goes seven there are at least fo wins for dem two's two starts.
Indians in 7

Yo, Ima hit yall up wit my Saturday predictions tomorrow an ma Sunday predictions on Saturday so yall got plenty uh time to go to da bookies cuz you know I be da truf, ya hurr? So shit, peace fuh now, bitchez.

Lil Wayne's MLB Playoffs record: 2-2
Lil Wayne's NCAA Football record: N/A
Lil Wayne's NFL record: N/A

Illinois Vs. Iowa, Battle of the Random Ass Statistics

So in my second salvo against those communist pig loving sheep shaggers of the University of Iowa, I've decided to do a comparison between the self declared "historically more successful" football program of the Iowa Hawkeyes and the Fighting Illini. Now I'm not going to use the common, boring ass statistics like the number of national championships Illini football has (5), compared to the number that Iowa has (1). or the number of conference titles the Illini have won (15) or that Iowa has won (12, one of which was for some nonexistent Western Interstate University Football Association, not the Western Conference/Big Ten, but who's counting? ), the number of college or NFL hall of famers Illinois has (15, 6) over Iowa (13, 2), nor even the number of say, Rose Bowl victories by Illinois (3) or Iowa (2). I'm talking about what's really important. Immeasurable statistics and obscure players forgotten most likely by anyone but true Illini or Iowa football fans. So we commence with

Round 1: 1980's Quarterbacks That Dominated the Big Ten and Flopped in the NFL

Illinois- Jack Trudeau 1981-1985

Career Records Held for Fighting Illini : 8,725 career passing yards, 797 career completions, 64% career completion percentage.

NFL Career: Drafted by Colts in 2nd rd, 1986. Played from 1986-1995 with the Colts, Jets, and Panthers. 873 comps/1644 att. 53.1% comp. 10,243 yards. 42 tds, 69 ints. 63.3 QB Rating

Since retiring has: Been arrested and ticketed for hosting a graduation party for his son and supplying alcohol to minors. Because that's the Illinois way.

Iowa- Chuck Long 1981-1985

Career Records Held for Hawkeyes: 1,203 career attempts, 782 career completions, 65% career completion percentage, 10, 461 career yards, 74 career touchdown passes. (and a shit ton of others. this guy owns the entire record book.)

NFL Career: Drafted by Lions in the 1st rd, 1986. Played from 1986-1994 with Detroit and the Los Angeles Rams. 331 comp./607 atts, 54.5% comp., 3,747 yds, 19 tds, 28 ints. 64.5 rating.

Since retiring has: Become an assistant college coach at Iowa and Oklahoma and is now the head coach of San Diego State University. Booooooring.

Result:Well, the statistics, especially in college, would seem to favor Chuck Long, but that's just not how we do things at Start Kyle Orton. Trudeau gave beer to kids, so he wins. Advantage: Illinois

Round 2: Spunky Wide Receiver that Everyone Loved

Illinois- Brandon Lloyd 1999-2002


College: 160 receptions, 2,583 receiving yards, 21 tds.

NFL: Drafted in the 4th rd of the 2003 NFL draft by the San Fransisco 49ers. Played for the 49ers from 2003-2005 with 105 receptions for 1510 yards and 13 tds. Was traded to the Redskins before the 2006 season and has proven to be a disappointment as a Redskin with only 24 receptions for 374 yards and no touchdowns. Also produced a rap album while in San Fransisco and has been accused of short arming passes and not being dedicated to the game of football.

Iowa- Tim Dwight Iowa 1994-1997


College: 139 receptions for 2271 yards and 21 tds. Also has 76 career punt returns for 1102 yards and 5 tds, which were all Big Ten records till some guy named Ted Ginn, Jr. came along.

NFL: Drafted by the Falcons in the 4th round of the 1998 NFL Draft. Played from 1998-2006 with the Falcons, Chargers, Patriots, and Jets. Is not officially retired, but is most likely done. Has 188 receptions for 2,866 yards and 17 tds. Has also returned 94 punts for 967 yards and 3 tds.

Since retiring has: Give him a fucking break, he got cut like a month ago.

Result: While their receiving statistics are roughly equal and Lloyd is most likely to eclipse Dwight in those categories soon, Dwight's skill as a returner give him the edge. Also, the consensus on Brandon Lloyd since he's been in the NFL is that he's a selfish cock, and Tim Dwight is Tim Dwight. I mean, come on, TIM DWIGHT! Advantage: Iowa

Well, after 2 rounds its a tie. More to come later when I feel like it.

It Has Begun

If you haven't noticed from the last two posts, this week is officially Civil War Week at Start Kyle Orton. Fuck Iowa!

Please, God, just one more win.

Look, I've been a Hawkeye fan my whole life. Plus, I have lived my whole life in Illinois, albeit 20 minutes from Iowa. This has created in me a deep resentment for the Illini mainly because their fans are fuckin morons, spouting something about basketball whenever you talk about their football team or telling you that they "Only like the Illini basketball team."(Code Red is excluded from this group, incidentally, as he has been an Illini fan (though still annoying) his whole life)) And suddenly all those dumbshits want to hop back onto the Illini football bandwagon? Fuck them.

Honestly, if my experience is any indicator, at least seventy percent of Illini fans stopped caring, watching, and even supporting in any way their football team once Kittner left the team. The very idea that these bandwagon-loving bastards would be rewarded for their unfaithfulness with a Big Ten Title horrifies me, and, frankly, is the only reason I hope the Illini lose every damned game left on their schedule when I know they won't, and when I know their most guaranteed win left is this weekend against my Hawkeyes.

You see, Iowa fans cheer on their team regardless of how good or bad they are. We watched every damn Steve Alford era basketball game even though we knew the sunuvabitch would coach us to another disappointing year. We actually remember the shit years of Iowa football, back when we were going 2-9 on a regular basis, because we watched the damn games out of loyalty, love, and most of all because we're true fans here in the middle of nowhere. Can most Illini fans say the same? I challenge you to find a random Illini fan on the street and ask them who their starting quarterback was before Juice. Guess what? You'll either get a "Kurt Kittner" or "Baaaaaaaazzzgetballl?".


Bazgetball?


What do the Illini's fans have to do with the team? Absolutely nothing. Juice is getting better (although he's still a little too giving with the ball), Rashard Mendenhall is amazing and Arrelious Benn is fantastic. Hell, their defense is even pretty good. I am not disputing that the Illini are a better team than Iowa. Actually I think Iowa should be at least a 20 point underdog.

But, God, Jesus, Buddha, whoever; is it just too much to ask that a fanbase be punished through their team? I see that you're already doing it to Jets fans, so I know you can do it again. You see what I see. And you know what'll happen. If the Illini end this season below .500 all their fans will magically disappear once more, muttering something about basketball and Bruce Weber not being a loud-mouthed fuckhole. And you know what'll happen when the Hawkeyes end this season 2-10. We're gonna stick around and wait til next year, God. We're not gonna abandon our team because of one or two or even five bad years because we love our team more than winning.

So basically, it all comes down to this. God, I know the Hawkeyes barely have a chance to win one more game this year. I know we're a far worse team than Illinois. But Stanford beat USC, and Appalachian State beat Michigan. Could you just do it one more time? For me? I won't ask that Todd Lickliter and the hoops team do well, I won't ask that Jake Christensen gets benched or that Jessica Alba lands in my lap. I just want one more damned win so I can have one thing to hang my hat on this year. And this'd be a mighty fine hat rack.

BAH BAH BAH! BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH! BUM BUM BUM BUMM BUUUM BUM BUMBUMBUMBUMBUM!

Yes, folks. Its Illinois-Iowa week at Start Kyle Orton. For once I'm the one filled with possibly outrageous expectations of a Big Ten Title and Iggins! is the one nearly left in suicidal despair over the tragic/hysterical play of his beleagured Hawkeyes. Illinois is currently a 3.5 point favorite over the struggling Hawkeyes in Iowa City. This is indeed a departure from recent history if you'll look at the last several Illini-Hawkeye games..

2006- Iowa 24, Illinois 7
2005-Iowa 35, Illinois 7
2004- Iowa 23, Illinois 13
2003- Iowa 41, Illinois 10
2000-Illinois 31, Iowa 0

Yes, that's right, it's been SEVEN YEARS since Illinois beat the Iowa Hawkeyes. At this point I don't care what anybody says, most of all Iggins!, as an Illini fan, I'm not taking this one as a given until the final whistle. God I hate Iowa. I hate everything about that completely pointless state, its athletics program, the fact that their milquetoast football coach is the highest paid employee in the state, the fact that not ONE person from that entire state knows how to drive a car, the fact that every year in basketball Illinois has a vastly superior team and yet always manages to either lose or so severely play below their ability to the Hawkeyes that Iowa fans have reason to throw a "yeah, but.." in our face every damn time.
Example :

Code Red: Man, those 37-2 2004-2005 Illini had some great players.

Iggins!: Yeah, but you only beat a 21-12 Hawkeyes team by 5. IN ASSEMBLY HALL!! SOMEHOW, BY MY TWISTED LOGIC THAT BASICALLY MEANS IOWA WON! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Code Red: Fuck you!

Iggins!: Besides, college basketball is only the bastard stepchild of college football, and you haven't beat us since 2000.

Code Red: No! College basketball is the best collegiate sport!

Well folks, we all know for a fact that college basketball is in fact, inferior to college football. Please, Illinois, win this game and let me for once embrace college football and have something, anything to crush Iggins! with.

(and yes, I did refer to Kirk Ferentz as "milquetoast". But its true! I imagine a conversation between Coach Zook and Coach Ferentz being something like this...

Zook: Hey, Coach Ferentz! How the hell are you?!

Ferentz: Oh, I'm good. Took the wife to Red Lobster last night, had the uh, garlic shrimp scampi. It was...it was nice, you know, not too expensive, nothing fancy. Just a good meal.


Zook: That's fantastic! Red Lobster RAWKS! I go there all the time when I'm trying to recruit some blue chippers! Surf 'n' Turf gets the Zookster PUMPED!

Ferentz: Yeah, it's one of the wife's favorites. Like to take her there on special occassions. How are you feeling with the big season and all, looks like a good team you've got.

Zook: Could not be more EXCITED! Everything's getting BETTER and BETTER! (Bashes head into wall four times, runs off screaming).

Ferentz: What an interesting young man. )

Reasons for Optimism

The best place to go for any news regarding your favorite NFL team is their own website of course. The incredibly positive spin put on information from these websites is sometimes deserving of the commendation of former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf for its complete and utter denial of the realities surrounding it.


There are No American troops in Baghdad! None! and Cedric Benson is proving extremely worthy of the #4 pick in the draft!

The following are actual excerpts from an article on the Bears wesbite:

From the article cleverly titled "Bears Stick it to Packers by Sticking With Run Game"

“The biggest thing for us is we ran the football better,” Griese said. “That’s the key to winning in this league, is being able to run the football.” -Complete bullshit? You bet your ass. But acceptable in the context of an article on the Bears website if not for the incredibly contradictory information in the following paragraph..

"While Benson averaged just 2.4 yards per carry..."- Benson's yard per carry average in the last three games before the Green Bay game? 4.2, 2.9, 3.3 . BUT WE RAN THE BALL BETTER! Why you ask?

"Achieving balance on offense, Cedric Benson rushed for 64 yards on a career-high 27 carries, while Brian Griese threw 25 passes one week after tossing 52 in a loss to the Detroit Lions."- So we ran it better by carrying it more. Yes, despite running it with less actual success than we did in the past four games, we ran it more. So that means 27 completely unproductive plays, as opposed to 15. Smells like...victory.


It's fine, it's fine. Everything is fine. We are running the ball with authority! Pound the rock!