In wake of Illinois' disappointing bounce from the 25, which they admittedly deserve, other than the fact that if a two loss Michigan team that lost to Appalachiafuckin State can be ranked, than a two loss Illinois team that lost to a ranked team and an in-conference rival, should probably be ranked as well, and after Kentucky's upset win over LSU (golf clap for Iggins! for predicting said upset. *clap* *clap*), Cal's loss to Oregon State, and the fact that Ohio State is now #1 and South Florida is #2, which sums up everything that is wrong with the BCS, I am not going to do a game by game roundup of the past week's top 25 results, as the entire ranking system and BCS is a damned sham and anyone who puts any stock into any rankings until the BCS is finally abolished French Revolution style is a miserable sheep and a terrible human being, Storm the BCS! Behead Myles Brand!
instead, I'm going to post a completely inane top 25 ranking list that will somehow magically hold all the validity of the AP and BCS rankings. Because if an Ohio State team with zero quality wins and SOUTH FUCKING FLORIDA are 1 and 2, justice has evaporated from the world, and any miserable little shit head who tries to tell you that the BCS is great because every college game is now a playoff is a moron. Yes, every game is playoff. I'm sure Ohio State sat there reviewing the film and chanting "play like there's no tomorrow" as they marched out to whomp ass on Kent State, while LSU had to march into Kentucky, a resurgent program that now proves there really is no easy game in the entire SEC, and was taken down in one colossal struggle that should give both of the participants a chance at a national title down the road. But it won't, because now that the BCS has finally proven without a doubt that it is a miserable failure, you'll have an undefeated Ohio State team from the Big Ten in one of its least competitive years later playing for the national title, while an LSU/Kentucky/Florida team that will be the best in the land will be pasting Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. Fuck you, college football, let it finally be settled on the field.
actually urlacher has been great, but this is funny. (thanks to The Onion)
What happened to these guys?
What happened to my Bears?
Oh. Right.
p.s. Devin Hester rocks, Brian Griese is downright AWFUL, why the fuck didn't we throw like we did at the end of the game the whole game, why does griese keep throwing check downs on 3rd and 10 with 4 receivers downfield, what the fuck happened to our glorious defense, and where the fuck is my pride?
Yo fuck y'all, I'm tired an I wanna watch me some games so you can make up sum shit I think bout each game, tricks. Here's what I think:
picks in BOLD CAPS
Minnesota @ CHICAGO Miami @ CLEVELAND WASHINGTON @ Green Bay CINCINNATI @ Kansas City TENNESSEE @ Tampa Bay St. Louis @ BALTIMORE HOUSTON @ Jacksonville PHILADELPHIA @ NY Jets Carolina @ ARIZONA Oakland @ SAN DIEGO NEW ENGLAND @ Dallas New Orleans @ SEATTLE
MONDAY NIGHT: NY GIANTS @ Atlanta
Lil Wayne's NCAA Football record: 6-3 (plus the Iowa win was a moral victory times 1000) Lil Wayne's NFL record: N/A
Yes you, the hopelessly befuddled football "coach".
Look, I really wanted to like you. After a 4-19 start the last two years I had the balls to go against the entire blogosphere and remove your [Redacted] label as it applied to you as head coach of the Fighting Illini. I praised your still undeniably great recruting abilities. But recruiting does not make the coach, my friend. So looking at the overall image of your "coaching", I'm forced to do this by your own hand. That's right, "coach". Your ass is RE-REDACTED. God fucking damn you, kind sir. You know what you have cost me this day? A chance at glory. I stood on the cusp of unlimited, immortal glory. I could have stood over the shattered soul of Iggins! as his season finally, completely, sunk into unmitigated despair. But thanks to you, oh genius of the gridiron, I have lost that chance. You have given Iggins! the bragging rights, sir, and for this you may never be forgiven. Now, even should we finish the regular season 11-2 with a Big Ten Title and BCS bowl win (which only seems incredibly fucking unlikely with your solid steering of the helm, Captain Jackass), Iggins! shall have his glorious exclamation point with which to cast our entire season aside in shame. You had better go undefeated as mentioned above, "Coach". You know why? Because that's the only way to avoid the fate that you have now set before yourself at my hands, sir. Had you won this week, you could have lost every game the rest of the way and finished 6-6 after a third tier bowl loss and I'd have been fine. But no, you had to accept penalties, not once, but TWICE, that would have forced Iowa into 4th down had you declined them. You had to run the option every fucking time, when every single person watching that game knew it would fail. You know what you should have done, "coach"? What Iowa lined up and dared you to do. You should have abandoned your glitzy offense, lined up man to man, overpowered a less talented team, and you should have HANDED RASHARD MENDENHALL THE FUCKING ROCK, YOU FUCKING COCK! Not on an option pitch, not on a toss, you should have handed off the fucking ball to your powerhouse running back and let him pound his way through a defense that was daring him to try. But now that you have cost me glory over Iggins!, you must finish perfect the rest of the way or you have set into action events which can not end well for either of us, Sir. For should you lose to Michigan next week in Memorial Stadium, or even to Ohio State, I will be waiting for you. I will hunt you down in a cold fury, determined to enact my bloody revenge for this day. I will lurk in the shadows, Coach Zook. I will cover myself in the blood of my enemies who have preceeded you and I will add your bones to their heap. I will confront you in the shadows outside of your home, instilling myself with courage from a bottle of Jack Daniels, and when I have had my fill I shall shatter that bottle upon the ground between us and brawl you on the shattered glass and spilled whiskey. The battle that will follow will result only in your demise or mine, or both of us, but even if you should crawl away from the chaos covered in the blood and whiskey and glass, you will be nothing but a fragile shell of the man you are today. I will unleash my battle cry, and with it I will consume your soul, Coach Zook. And know that that was the last time you shall hear your name uttered in the halls of this website, barring nothing short of a BCS Bowl win or four straight wins over Iowa to erase the shame of this one. The time is now, Coach [Redacted], the time is now.
This is a good day for me. Good day. The Iowa student section was as pumped as theyve ever been the whole game and somehow we pulled it out in the end. 8 years, illini fans. Don't worry, you still have basketball.
Code Red: Hello again, folks. As you might remember from last week we introduced a new weekly event here on Start Kyle Orton, where Iggins!, myself, and a celebrity guest choose one NFL team guaranteed to win, one NFL team guaranteed to lose, one NFL player guaranteed to be a fantasy football stud, and the winner of the week's biggest college matchup,this week's being Missouri-Oklahoma . Our celebrity guest, and this one is a real treat as he is a personal hero of mine, is news giant and standard bearer for traditional American values, Bill O'Reilly. Papa Bear, thank you for joining us.
Bill O'Reilly: Happy to be here, Mr. Red. Which, I've been meaning to ask you and I think America wants to know the truth, why that particular nickname?
Code Red: Well it's an allusion to a comment made by Atlanta Falcons cornerback Deangelo Hall..
Bill O'Reilly: Or an overt declaration of your communist sentiments. Now I think all America asks is that in the interests of objectivity, you state your political leanings, rather than pass your leftist drivel off as "news", much like CNN or MSNBC, who, if I may point out, are once again being thumped by Fox News in the ratings. I think America has decided on that one.
Code Red: No, no, I loathe communism, I watch your show daily, Mr. O'Reilly.
Bill O'Reilly: As many Americans do. Might I point out that the Factor is the highest rated show on all of cable news?
Code Red: Well yes, but we really need to move on to the topic of this post..
Bill O'Reilly: Just like all the others of your kind, when confronted with the facts you run away from the issue!
Code Red: I...I just, Iggins!?
Iggins!: Yea...no, I like where this is going. Bill, call him a communist again.
Code Red: Dude, that's cold. Umm, anywho, my NFL team guaranteed to win this week is the Cincinnati Bengals, who I think will come out with vengeance to shake off three straight bad performances to defeat the Kansas City Chiefs. My NFL team guaranteed to lose is the Jets against the Eagles. My fantasy football Pimp of the week...
Bill O'Reilly: You're praising a pimp? What kind of degradation do you stand for?
Code Red: Well he's not really a pimp, its just a matter of expression standing for someone who performs well..
Bill O'Reilly: You label someone as a pimp as a compliment? Do you realize what this progressive slang of yours does to damage the fabric of America?
Code Red: I...I...Papa Bear... I...
Iggins!: This moment is so delicious, I want to wrap it in foil and stick it in my fridge so I can pinch off tiny bits of it to cheer me up whenever I'm feeling down.
Code Red: My..umm.. MVP of the week is Willis McGahee of the Ravens agains the Rams defense. And I'm going to take Oklahoma over Missouri 28-17. Iggins!?
Iggins!: My team guaranteed to win is da Bears over the Minnesota Vikings. My team guaranteed to lose is Green Bay against the Redskins, because the ball is rolling on the Packers descent begins in earnest this week. My fantasy football player of merit..
Bill O'Reilly: See how respectfully he termed that?
Code Red: What, no, no! He hardly ever even watches the Factor! He listens to rap music! His entire vocabulary is ripped from ebonics!
Bill O'Reilly: Flattery will get you no where, sir, what we have here is a Fine American.
Iggins!: Oh, my God, the taste, its so sweet.. but said player once again is Randy Moss. Me, I take Oklahoma over Missouri, 28-23. Mr. O'Reilly, sir?
Bill O'Reilly: Why thank you, young man. It's young men like you that give me hope for the future.
Code Red: He once threatened to shit on the Pope's grave! You're an Irish Catholic! He's a TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING!
Bill O'Reilly: Are you defaming the church? Despicable. Utterly despicable. I'm going to guarantee Cardinals will beat Carolina, I'm going to guarantee an Oakland loss to San Diego, and my top player of the week will be Carson Palmer.
Code Red: And the winner of the college game, sir?
Bill O'Reilly: I'm taking Notre Dame.
Code Red: But we're picking the Missouri-Oklahoma winner...
Bill O'Reilly: I grew up in a traditional American home of Irish ancestry. I watch Notre Dame, son, because thats true American football.
Iggins!: Yeah, Code Red, show some respect for an American institution.
Code Red: You hate Notre Dame! You once said God created vampires for the express purpose of killing Catholics!
Iggins!: This is just low of you to slander my character.
Bill O'Reilly: We've shown you the truth about this young man, America. The spin stopped here.
Aight hoz, dis is some shit I can pick. All dat baseball be pissin me off, time fuh a real sport: football. Today I'll getcha some college picks an tomorrow we got some NFL shit fuh ya ass.
Iowa Hawkeyes @ (18)Illinois Fighting Illini, 11:00ct, ESPN2 Shit why dey got me pickin dis shit? They aint e'en gon pick dis on college gameday. Illinois be better at pretty much everything. I feel bad fuh dat Iggins! mufucka havin to go watch dis shit. Po muthafucka. Ah well. Illinois by 25
Georgia Tech @ Miami FL, 11:00ct, ESPN Look, ima tell y'all wat I said bout FSU yesterday (by da way i wun dat game, bitchez). Stop ranking deez bitchez! FSU and Miami bof suck, at least Miami ain't ranked. Chan Gailey might put ma ass ta sleep but no doubt GTech wins dis one. Georgia Tech by 17
(19)Wisconsin @ Penn State, 2:30ct, ABC Yo the Big Ten is borin n shit, man. Bein from Louisiana I guess I be used to bein good on offense AND defense, nawmsayin? Anyways bof of deez teams are overrated but I think Penn State'll find a way ta win here, y'know, zombies and the white out shit bein on they side. Penn State by 3
(1)LSU @ (17)Kentucky, 2:30ct, CBS Upset of da day, bitchez. Sportscenter been talkin like LSU already undefeated an that aint bode well fuh my hometown team. Andre Woodson gon pass all ova deez hoes, but t'll be CLOSER than the experts think. (Shout out to ma boy Lee Corso) Kentucky by 6
(11)Missouri @ (6)Oklahoma, 5:30ct What da hell iz dis? Shit aint bein broadcast? Dumb fucks. Anyway, dis is a hard one fuh me. Mizzou been lookin good, Chase Daniels been throwin n runnin all ova hiz enemies. But I don think Oklahoma gon be caught nappin like dey waz in Boulder. Oklahoma gon take dis one. Oklahoma by 13
Louisville @ (15)Cincinnati, 6:00ct, ESPNU Louisville kinda sucks, aint they? Brian Brohm can pass pretty good but shit, he aint got no defense. Dey gave up 38 to 'cuse man. Cincinnati kicks way mo azz den y'all think, so dis matchup is prolly gon end in pain n suffrin fo da Cardinals. Cincinnati by 24
(22)Auburn @ Arkansas, 6:45, ESPN Yo, I can't believe ma eyez! Auburn be ranked again! Shit, deez mufuckin poll givin mufuckas need a be put in check. Unfortunately dey be playin a team who sucks equally, da only difference bein Darren McFadden and Houston Nutt vs. a great Auburn defense. I'm predictin a game that stays in da teens, Arkansas comes out on top cuz dey be at home. Arkansas by 2
Colorado @ Kansas State, 8:15, ESPN2 And ta wrap dis shit up we pick da late late why da fuck dis be so late game. Dan Hawkins be leadin his Buffs into battle like dey be Spartans or some shit-ed. (Madness? THIS...IS...DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!! Go play intramurals, brother)-but I don tink dey be able to beat K-State afta dey lost to Kansas an had ta watch dat crazy video on youtube wit da jayhawk bendin ova da wildcat. Dat shit is FUCKED UP man. Kansas State by 10
Weezy's MLB Series Record: 2-2 Weezy's NCAA Football Record: 1-0 Weezy's NFL Record: N/A
Instead of battling random ass statistics I'll break down the real statistics and position battles about to unfold on Saturday. But first, allow me to retort...
Well allow me to retort!
-Zook beats Ferentz? Really? Is there one person on the planet who actually believes that?
-I agree, Herky scares the shit out of me, and perhaps getting rid of the Chief was wrong but, honestly, Illini Fans, SHUT THE FUCK UP. We do not care, not a goddamn one of us. Us being the WORLD, ASSHOLES. Also that picture looks like the chief at a football game. Wanna guess how many Illini fans knew the Chief went to football games?
In any case, here we go:
QBs: Isiah "Juice" Williams vs. Jake "Dumbass" Christensen
You'd think this category would be slightly more even than it is, what with Juice's giving mentality (especially giving to the opposition), but it really isn't. Jake Christensen is a goddamned retard. If the play call is anything but a screen of some kind he WILL NOT throw the ball, he'll wait six seconds then run or get sacked. At least Juice has some balls. Christensen's a bigger pussy than Lil Kim's. Advantage: Illini
RBs: Albert Young/Damian Sims vs. Rashard Mendenhall
This is a bit more even. The combination of Albert Young and Damian Sims is very dangerous, Albert running through you and Sims running around you. But for two reasons, Illinois wins this matchup. One, Iowa has no pass game what with our quarterback sucking total dick, so the Illini (unless Zook coaches like Zook) should stack the line and blitz, blitz, run stop. Number two, Rashard Mendenhall is the most impressive physical specimen I've seen in a long time. He has GIGANTIC muscles and incredible speed. He's the total package. He will be contained to some extent due to a very good Iowa run defense but he'll still have a better game than Young/Sims. Advantage: Illini
WRs: DJK vs. Arrelious Benn
Since the rest of both these receiving platoons are either injured or suck, we'll just compare Darrell-Johnson Koulianis to Arrelious (I refuse to call him rejus) Benn. Okay, obviously Benn is better than DJK, but DJK has shown some true ability, the problem is his quarterback can't get him the damn ball because he's a pussy. Benn is more of a runner in Zook's offense for some reason, but hey, so is Percy Harvin. Benn wins. Advantage: Illini
OL: Iowa vs. Illinois Look, we all know Iowa's line is great, and somehow they've managed to give Christensen six to seven whole seconds in the pocket all year under tremendous rushes. If Christensen would throw the damn ball they'd get more respect. The Illini's line is good, but hey, we're Iowa. We do the O-Line thing well. Advantage: Hawkeyes
D-Line: Iowa vs. Illinois Actually, from what I've seen (I've watched a lot of Illinois football this year) Illinois' line is actually decent, which surprised me, considering how bad their D normally is. I thought J Leman was their only good player. But their line doesn't compare to Iowa's. Three future top 3 round draft picks: Kenny Iwebema, Bryan Mattison, and Mitch King plus one possible draftee: Matt Kroul absolutely tear through people, stopping the run game and harassing the quarterback. They'll give Juice trouble and flush him out of the pocket a lot, but don't expect Juice to go down, Iowa has problems with fast QBs (Iowa State). Advantage: Hawkeyes
Linebackers: Iowa vs. Illinois Really this comes down to Mike Klinkenborg and Humpal vs. J Leman. J Leman is the best LB in the country, but Iowa might have the best LB lineup in the Big Ten. This is tough but I think the combined ability of Klinky and Humpal equal the massive talent that is J Leman. PUSH
Secondary: Iowa vs. Illinois This is the easiest one on this list. Iowa's secondary can't stop anything, hell we let Anthony Morelli pass all over us. The only time we stop the other team's passing game is when our line disrupts the QB. Illinois has Vontae Davis. 'nuff said. Advantage: Vontae Davis
Special Teams: ________ vs. Illinois Honestly, I don't want to talk about how our kickers can't make anything, how we haven't gotten a touchback all year, and how our punter kicks it long when we need it short and kicks it short when we need it long. At least DJK returns the ball well. Advantage: Whoever plays us So, to summarize Illinois goes 5-2-1 in this little battle and demonstrates exactly why they're going to mop the damn floor with us on Saturday. Our defense will do all it can, but when your offense goes 3 and out every drive it's hard to hold anybody under twenty points. Final Score: Illinois-45 Iowa-13
After the first two rounds, we have Illinois and Iowa tied 1-1, so here are the final three rounds to determine who truly deserves our praise as a football team.
Round 3: Head Coaches I kind of already touched on this beforehand, but basically here's the current breakdown of the two head coaches.
Illinois- Ron Zook
Coaching History : College Assistant Coach: Murray State, Cincinnati, Kansas, Tennessee, Virginia Tech, Ohio State, Florida. NFL Assistant Coach: Pittsburgh Steelers, Kansas City Chiefs, New Orleans Saints. College Head Coach: Florida, Illinois.
Notable for: Two top 25 recruiting classes in his first two years at Illinois. Has the distinction of being the first head coach to have a website calling for his firing (www.fireronzook.com) up and running before had even coached a game at the University of Florida. Once had his coaching and recruiting integrity questioned by John L. Smith (seriously, guuuh). Likes when things get Better and Better. Loves to water ski and ....do whatever the hell it is he's doing in the second photograph.
Seriously, I don't want to know.
Iowa- Kirk Ferentz Coaching History: Assistant College Coach: Pittsburgh, Iowa. NFL Assistant Coach: Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens. College Head Coach: University of Maine, Iowa.
Notable for: Having served under such college and NFL coaching greats as the venerable Hayden Fry and the immortal Bill Bellicheck, Kirk Ferentz has been classically trained in the art of coaching by some of the game's greatest blah blah fucking blah. They guy is a solid football coach with the ability up until the last two seasons to make the most out of under-recruited white guys and was also known for his seemingly magical ability to craft five unknown fat boys in a wall of solid granite on the offensive line. But is this really what you consider a coaching great? One BCS bowl? Hell, Ron Turner had that, and that guy sucked as a head coach (and has made his way onto Iggins! shit list as an offensive coordinator as well). Frankly, there's really nothing at all interesting or notable about Ferentz or the teams he coaches, with the 2002 team and Drew Tate being the only exceptions. He's a solid, milquetoast man and coach and will probably rebound his team from their current slump of the last two years, but will probably never take them to the promised land of a national title. Do I believe Zook will do that for Illinois? Probably not either, but despite the records (and really, I'm as shocked as you are that Ferentz only has a .511 winning percentage as a head coach, but that can be explained away, and I know once he reads this Iggins! will be chomping at the bit to defend him with "yeah, but that's because he had no talent his first few years at Iowa, since then his records been well over .500"), and the fact that over the long run Ferentz will probably be a far more consistently successful head coach than Zook, I choose the Zookster simply because when I googled images of Kirk Ferentz, this is the very first one that came up.
Yeah, that pretty much says it all. Advantage: Illinois
Round 4: The Quarterback that Led Us to Our Last BCS Bowls, and Whom We Hold Dearly In Our Hearts.
Record as Starter: 25-14. Guided Illinois to Sugar Bowl as a senior in 2001, trampled upon by LSU 47-34.
Since College: Drafted by Falcons in 5th Rd, 2002 Draft. Made 5 starts in place of the injured Mike Vick in 2003, prompted fans to wear brown bags over their head with "Kurt Kittner Fan Club" written on them. Cut by the Falcons in 2004, he was a backup/practice squad QB for the Bears in 2005. Was MVP of the World Bowl with the Amsterdam Admirals of NFL Europe in the summer of 2005, teaming with Jarrett Payton (son of Walter) to win the league championship. Is now the color commentator for the Fighting Illini radio broadcasts (and it's awesome).
Record as Starter: 11-2. Despite being a junior college transfer and not starting a single game his junior season(his first at Iowa), much to Iggins! chagrin (quoth the raven: Jon Beutjer Fucking Sucked!), Banks took over as the starter his senior year and guided Iowa to an 11-1 regular season record and share of the Big Ten Conference Title, before being thrashed by USC 38-17 in the Orange Bowl. The game had an interesting back story in that Banks finished second in Heisman voting that year to USC quarterback (and God among Men) Carson Palmer, something that Iggins! initially derided as Banks being jobbed, only to later remark after the bowl game "on second thought, I think they had that one right."
Since College: Undrafted after college, Banks went to training camp with the Redskins in 2003 but was cut shortly afterward. Since then he has played in the Canadian Football League for the Ottawa Renegades, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, and is currently a member of the Montreal Alouettes.
Result: Well, Kittner was probably a more polished passer and was a four year starter and two time bowl game starter for the Illini, but Banks was a more exciting player, even if for a shorter time, and, let me reiterate, is a Montreal Alouette. I'm gonna throw him a fucking bone on this one. Advantage: Iowa
Round 5: Mascot
Illlinois: Chief Illiniwek (Yeah, You're God Damn Right I'm Saying it, You Bleeding Heart Commie Pussies).
Why We Have (Had) Him: The Illini tribe, which has long since ceased to exist as an independent tribe, was the basis for the name of our school, which coincidentally or not, is the name of our FUCKING STATE. So, racially offensive though it may be merely to name a place after a Native American tribe, (damn you, Sioux Falls!), Illinois has the Fighting Illini team name and had for many years the illustrious chief you see pictured above. However, this is America, and enough whining will override freedom of speech enough to remove anything anybody out there considers offensive, and we had to say goodbye to our beloved icon.
Iowa: Herky the Hawk
Why They Have Him: Iowa is known as the Hawkeye state. The University of Iowa sports teams are the Hawkeyes. That's not exactly rocket science, even for the addled minds of those who reside in that bumfuck state. Herky was born in 1948 when a journalism teacher at Iowa made a drawing of the business director for Iowa's athletic department as he would look were he some kind of creepy bird man. Rather than kill this piss ant teacher, as any redblooded man should have done, the director decided to adopt the drawing as the school's mascot. The name Herky came from a statewide naming contest and is meant to be a reference to Hercules (who, in an unrelated, though poignant to the state of Iowa, matter, is the son of a man who married and had inbred kids with his sister. Zeus, Hera, I'm not kidding, look that shit up) . I find this mascot offensive to Greeks, bird-like athletic directors, and the national audubon society and demand that the costume and whoever the current jackass that wears it is be burned at the stake. God Bless America.
Conclusion: As one final tribute to our tragically heroic mascot, I award this point, the deciding factor to the University of Illinois. If you expected a different result, you're probably a fucking moron. Advantage: Illinois
Yo, bitches. I'm back in here afta a bit of a break, ya see, da cubz losin n shit really put a bug up ma ass. But i be movin on now so I'll hit ya up wit some fly ass predictions for whatever the fuck I feel like predictin you hoes.
(21) Florida State @ Wake Forest, Thurs. on ESPN, 6:30 ct Yo I don't see why FSU e'en deserves ta be ranked at dis point, bruh. Dey ain't good I promise ya, so stop shittin so much bias you be drownin in it, aight Coaches Poll? That mighta given away ma pick, but who gives a fuck? Xavier Lee ain't good, he just black, you racist fucks. Wake Forest still got that underdog mojo goin for em, plus dey beat FSU 30-0 last year in Tallahassee. Wake Forest by 17.
NLCS Game 1, Colorado Rockies @ Arizona Diamondbacks, Thurs. on TBS, 7:30 ct This shit is pretty tough fuh me y'know, wut wit da Cubs not bein heeya but I'll pick it anyways. The Rockies, despite dey lack of positive american-african role models, managed to beat da shit outta da phils in Philly, and the D-Backs beat Ted Lilly's bad day and Rich Hill's hangin curve ball. Advantage? Killa Mike. Killer Mike by 49
Killa Kill wins
ALCS Game 1, Cleveland Indians @ Boston Red Sox, Fri. TBS, 6:00 ct Yo bein as da Indians and da BoSox are the two teams I got right dis matchup sits well wit me. Since I be good at predictin shit in the AL y'all listen when I tell ya dis: Da Indians gon win dis series. C.C. and my boy Fausto "I sold ma soul fo knowledge" Carmona are too much, if dis shit goes seven there are at least fo wins for dem two's two starts. Indians in 7
Yo, Ima hit yall up wit my Saturday predictions tomorrow an ma Sunday predictions on Saturday so yall got plenty uh time to go to da bookies cuz you know I be da truf, ya hurr? So shit, peace fuh now, bitchez.
Lil Wayne's MLB Playoffs record: 2-2 Lil Wayne's NCAA Football record: N/A Lil Wayne's NFL record: N/A
So in my second salvo against those communist pig loving sheep shaggers of the University of Iowa, I've decided to do a comparison between the self declared "historically more successful" football program of the Iowa Hawkeyes and the Fighting Illini. Now I'm not going to use the common, boring ass statistics like the number of national championships Illini football has (5), compared to the number that Iowa has (1). or the number of conference titles the Illini have won (15) or that Iowa has won (12, one of which was for some nonexistentWestern Interstate University Football Association, not the Western Conference/Big Ten, but who's counting? ), the number of college or NFL hall of famers Illinois has (15, 6) over Iowa (13, 2), nor even the number of say, Rose Bowl victories by Illinois (3) or Iowa (2). I'm talking about what's really important. Immeasurable statistics and obscure players forgotten most likely by anyone but true Illini or Iowa football fans. So we commence with
Round 1: 1980's Quarterbacks That Dominated the Big Ten and Flopped in the NFL
Illinois- Jack Trudeau 1981-1985 Career Records Held for Fighting Illini : 8,725 career passing yards, 797 career completions, 64% career completion percentage.
NFL Career: Drafted by Colts in 2nd rd, 1986. Played from 1986-1995 with the Colts, Jets, and Panthers. 873 comps/1644 att. 53.1% comp. 10,243 yards. 42 tds, 69 ints. 63.3 QB Rating
Since retiring has: Been arrested and ticketed for hosting a graduation party for his son and supplying alcohol to minors. Because that's the Illinois way.
Iowa- Chuck Long 1981-1985 Career Records Held for Hawkeyes: 1,203 career attempts, 782 career completions, 65% career completion percentage, 10, 461 career yards, 74 career touchdown passes. (and a shit ton of others. this guy owns the entire record book.)
NFL Career: Drafted by Lions in the 1st rd, 1986. Played from 1986-1994 with Detroit and the Los Angeles Rams. 331 comp./607 atts, 54.5% comp., 3,747 yds, 19 tds, 28 ints. 64.5 rating.
Since retiring has: Become an assistant college coach at Iowa and Oklahoma and is now the head coach of San Diego State University. Booooooring.
Result:Well, the statistics, especially in college, would seem to favor Chuck Long, but that's just not how we do things at Start Kyle Orton. Trudeau gave beer to kids, so he wins. Advantage: Illinois
NFL: Drafted in the 4th rd of the 2003 NFL draft by the San Fransisco 49ers. Played for the 49ers from 2003-2005 with 105 receptions for 1510 yards and 13 tds. Was traded to the Redskins before the 2006 season and has proven to be a disappointment as a Redskin with only 24 receptions for 374 yards and no touchdowns. Also produced a rap album while in San Fransisco and has been accused of short arming passes and not being dedicated to the game of football.
Iowa- Tim Dwight Iowa 1994-1997
College: 139 receptions for 2271 yards and 21 tds. Also has 76 career punt returns for 1102 yards and 5 tds, which were all Big Ten records till some guy named Ted Ginn, Jr. came along.
NFL: Drafted by the Falcons in the 4th round of the 1998 NFL Draft. Played from 1998-2006 with the Falcons, Chargers, Patriots, and Jets. Is not officially retired, but is most likely done. Has 188 receptions for 2,866 yards and 17 tds. Has also returned 94 punts for 967 yards and 3 tds.
Since retiring has: Give him a fucking break, he got cut like a month ago.
Result: While their receiving statistics are roughly equal and Lloyd is most likely to eclipse Dwight in those categories soon, Dwight's skill as a returner give him the edge. Also, the consensus on Brandon Lloyd since he's been in the NFL is that he's a selfish cock, and Tim Dwight is Tim Dwight. I mean, come on, TIM DWIGHT! Advantage: Iowa
Well, after 2 rounds its a tie. More to come later when I feel like it.
Look, I've been a Hawkeye fan my whole life. Plus, I have lived my whole life in Illinois, albeit 20 minutes from Iowa. This has created in me a deep resentment for the Illini mainly because their fans are fuckin morons, spouting something about basketball whenever you talk about their football team or telling you that they "Only like the Illini basketball team."(Code Red is excluded from this group, incidentally, as he has been an Illini fan (though still annoying) his whole life)) And suddenly all those dumbshits want to hop back onto the Illini football bandwagon? Fuck them.
Honestly, if my experience is any indicator, at least seventy percent of Illini fans stopped caring, watching, and even supporting in any way their football team once Kittner left the team. The very idea that these bandwagon-loving bastards would be rewarded for their unfaithfulness with a Big Ten Title horrifies me, and, frankly, is the only reason I hope the Illini lose every damned game left on their schedule when I know they won't, and when I know their most guaranteed win left is this weekend against my Hawkeyes.
You see, Iowa fans cheer on their team regardless of how good or bad they are. We watched every damn Steve Alford era basketball game even though we knew the sunuvabitch would coach us to another disappointing year. We actually remember the shit years of Iowa football, back when we were going 2-9 on a regular basis, because we watched the damn games out of loyalty, love, and most of all because we're true fans here in the middle of nowhere. Can most Illini fans say the same? I challenge you to find a random Illini fan on the street and ask them who their starting quarterback was before Juice. Guess what? You'll either get a "Kurt Kittner" or "Baaaaaaaazzzgetballl?".
Bazgetball?
What do the Illini's fans have to do with the team? Absolutely nothing. Juice is getting better (although he's still a little too giving with the ball), Rashard Mendenhall is amazing and Arrelious Benn is fantastic. Hell, their defense is even pretty good. I am not disputing that the Illini are a better team than Iowa. Actually I think Iowa should be at least a 20 point underdog.
But, God, Jesus, Buddha, whoever; is it just too much to ask that a fanbase be punished through their team? I see that you're already doing it to Jets fans, so I know you can do it again. You see what I see. And you know what'll happen. If the Illini end this season below .500 all their fans will magically disappear once more, muttering something about basketball and Bruce Weber not being a loud-mouthed fuckhole. And you know what'll happen when the Hawkeyes end this season 2-10. We're gonna stick around and wait til next year, God. We're not gonna abandon our team because of one or two or even five bad years because we love our team more than winning.
So basically, it all comes down to this. God, I know the Hawkeyes barely have a chance to win one more game this year. I know we're a far worse team than Illinois. But Stanford beat USC, and Appalachian State beat Michigan. Could you just do it one more time? For me? I won't ask that Todd Lickliter and the hoops team do well, I won't ask that Jake Christensen gets benched or that Jessica Alba lands in my lap. I just want one more damned win so I can have one thing to hang my hat on this year. And this'd be a mighty fine hat rack.
Yes, folks. Its Illinois-Iowa week at Start Kyle Orton. For once I'm the one filled with possibly outrageous expectations of a Big Ten Title and Iggins! is the one nearly left in suicidal despair over the tragic/hysterical play of his beleagured Hawkeyes. Illinois is currently a 3.5 point favorite over the struggling Hawkeyes in Iowa City. This is indeed a departure from recent history if you'll look at the last several Illini-Hawkeye games..
Yes, that's right, it's been SEVEN YEARS since Illinois beat the Iowa Hawkeyes. At this point I don't care what anybody says, most of all Iggins!, as an Illini fan, I'm not taking this one as a given until the final whistle. God I hate Iowa. I hate everything about that completely pointless state, its athletics program, the fact that their milquetoast football coach is the highest paid employee in the state, the fact that not ONE person from that entire state knows how to drive a car, the fact that every year in basketball Illinois has a vastly superior team and yet always manages to either lose or so severely play below their ability to the Hawkeyes that Iowa fans have reason to throw a "yeah, but.." in our face every damn time. Example :
Code Red: Man, those 37-2 2004-2005 Illini had some great players.
Iggins!: Yeah, but you only beat a 21-12 Hawkeyes team by 5. IN ASSEMBLY HALL!! SOMEHOW, BY MY TWISTED LOGIC THAT BASICALLY MEANS IOWA WON! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Code Red: Fuck you!
Iggins!: Besides, college basketball is only the bastard stepchild of college football, and you haven't beat us since 2000.
Code Red: No! College basketball is the best collegiate sport!
Well folks, we all know for a fact that college basketball is in fact, inferior to college football. Please, Illinois, win this game and let me for once embrace college football and have something, anything to crush Iggins! with.
(and yes, I did refer to Kirk Ferentz as "milquetoast". But its true! I imagine a conversation between Coach Zook and Coach Ferentz being something like this...
Zook: Hey, Coach Ferentz! How the hell are you?!
Ferentz: Oh, I'm good. Took the wife to Red Lobster last night, had the uh, garlic shrimp scampi. It was...it was nice, you know, not too expensive, nothing fancy. Just a good meal.
Zook: That's fantastic! Red Lobster RAWKS! I go there all the time when I'm trying to recruit some blue chippers! Surf 'n' Turf gets the Zookster PUMPED!
Ferentz: Yeah, it's one of the wife's favorites. Like to take her there on special occassions. How are you feeling with the big season and all, looks like a good team you've got.
Zook: Could not be more EXCITED! Everything's getting BETTER and BETTER! (Bashes head into wall four times, runs off screaming).
The best place to go for any news regarding your favorite NFL team is their own website of course. The incredibly positive spin put on information from these websites is sometimes deserving of the commendation of former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf for its complete and utter denial of the realities surrounding it.
There are No American troops in Baghdad! None! and Cedric Benson is proving extremely worthy of the #4 pick in the draft!
The following are actual excerpts from an article on the Bears wesbite:
From the article cleverly titled "Bears Stick it to Packers by Sticking With Run Game"
“The biggest thing for us is we ran the football better,” Griese said. “That’s the key to winning in this league, is being able to run the football.” -Complete bullshit? You bet your ass. But acceptable in the context of an article on the Bears website if not for the incredibly contradictory information in the following paragraph..
"While Benson averaged just 2.4 yards per carry..."- Benson's yard per carry average in the last three games before the Green Bay game? 4.2, 2.9, 3.3 . BUT WE RAN THE BALL BETTER! Why you ask?
"Achieving balance on offense, Cedric Benson rushed for 64 yards on a career-high 27 carries, while Brian Griese threw 25 passes one week after tossing 52 in a loss to the Detroit Lions."- So we ran it better by carrying it more. Yes, despite running it with less actual success than we did in the past four games, we ran it more. So that means 27 completely unproductive plays, as opposed to 15. Smells like...victory.
It's fine, it's fine. Everything is fine. We are running the ball with authority! Pound the rock!
(Favre throws 7 yard slant under coverage to Driver. 10 yard run after pass.)
Shucks. I love football. All night long, just me and my rocket arm throwin them slant routes. I must seriously be the best quarterback ever to play the game.
John Madden: Look at the way Brett Favre rockets in the pass. He throws that five yard slant route better than any quarterback in the history of the game.
(Fave throws 6 yard out route to James Jones, 5 yard run after catch)
I mean really, the Bears can't stop me. Golly, ain't no team in the NFL can stop this powerhouse train of quick slants and out routes underneath the coverage. Shoot, I'm so dang happy I didn't retire. I'm showin the world that Ol' Brett's still got it, and by it of course I mean the ability to throw 5 yard slants. But damnit, I sure throw em purty.
John Madden: Now, now, Brett Favre, he throws that slant pass prettier than any others in the game. Did I mention that Brett, he, Loves the game? You gotta love a guy that loves the game. Because if you don't love football, than your just playing it. But Brett doesn't play football, he loves it, and that makes him a great lover of the game.
I mean golly, what a great game to play. What a great use of my abilities. My resurgence is instoppable. Unstoppable? Shucks, who the hell cares?
(Second half. Bears switch to Cover 2, move safety up to stop slant route underneath. Pressure comes, Favre rolls right, panics, throws ball straight to Brian Urlacher. Pass intercepted)
Madden: Well, Brett made that pass because he loves the game. He loves it so much that he made something out of nothing. Sometimes you have to gamble....and get picked off by a linebacker four yards away. Man, look at the love of the game.
Oh dad gummit. Why the hell did they do that? What's that safety doin there? Shit. Well now what the hell do we do. S'pose I'll ask Coach McCarthy. Coach McCarthy: Brett, they took away the underneath passes. We're fucked. That's all we've run now for the year and a half I've been here. Hell, it's all I ran in San Fransisco. Just, christ, just uh, run the ball every down from now on. How and when we do pass, just, just keep trying to throw the slant. I mean, they took it away, but, well hell. What do we do now Brett?
Dangit coach, I dunno. Golly I shoulda retired.
Coach McCarthy: Just get back out there and hand the ball off. God we're fucked.
(Next Green Bay possession. Bears play off the corners to prevent deep pass)
WAIT A MINUTE! YES! I GOT THE SLANT BACK!
(Slant pass to Driver. 8 yard gain. Slant pass to Donald Lee. 8 yard gain. Slant pass to Donald Lee. 8 yard gain. Incomplete slant. Slant pass to James Jones. 8 yard gain. Dump off pass to Vernand Morency. 9 yard gain. Incomplete Slant.)
Coach McCarthy: Brett, we're gonna have to throw it deep. We've got one last play. God, we're fucked.
Dang it. No, wait. I'm Brett dog gone Favre. I'm the gunslinger. I used to live for this. I can make this pass. Screw them dang slants. I am the warrior!
John Madden: And this is what Brett Favre lives for. He's the gunslinger. This is his time to make a play.
All up to you now, Brett. Be the hero!
(Favre winds up. Chucks the ball long into the end zone. Intercepted.) Dangit.
Before I start, yes, I am aware we won last night. But we still sucked on several levels. Honestly, a lot needs to be done here. The following is a list of players who will be left out of this rant:
Brian Urlacher Charles Tillman Mark Anderson Tommie Harris Brandon McGowan Ricky Manning Jr. Mark Bradley Devin Hester Greg Olsen Desmond Clark Jerry Angelo Brendan Ayanbadejo (There is not a better special teamer in the NFL) Vince Young
The rest of you? Listen up, assholes.
First, what the fuck, Griese? Yeah you had a "good" game last night. At least that's what ESPN says. Don't listen to 'em. Every time we had a third down and eight (which was a whole fuckin lot) you threw a three yard out route. Thanks, Brian, that's exactly what we needed. The one situation in which Ron Turner gave you a play with receivers downfield, and you throw it to the one three yards away. And don't tell me they weren't open. We put Bradley, Hester, and Olsen in the game from the second quarter on and every third down they were open, asshole.
That brings me to Ron Turner. run, run, run, punt, run, screen, 3 yard out, run, run, packer penalty, run, run, play action. If I wanted John Shoop I'd have... aw fuck it, Ron, what the hell?! If you put Hester, Bradley, and Olsen in the game, USE THEM. Don't build your whole fuckin offense around your WORST PLAYER. which brings me to...
So yeah, Cedric Benson can't A) Run the ball, B) Block, or C) Catch. So basically he's absolutely fucking worthless. His name shall not be uttered again. From now on he shall only be called Curtis Enis: The 2econd Coming. Let's not waste breath on him and instead waste it on...
Muhsin Muhammad and Bernard Berrian. Thank god you two were benched because neither of you seems to remember how to play the damn game. Muhsin is way too damn old and he's slow as shit. Berrian couldn't catch a goddamn cold if he was in a room, naked, and if the room was filled with twenty sick badgers. Hell, they might get better chances, though, if the goddamned...
Offensive line blocked ANYBODY. Well, they do show up about half the time, which is why I know Griese, Berrian, Benson, and Ron Turner are all worthless. The other half it's almost like they don't fuckin exist. They must like the most classic of all Bear's plays, the dropbackandgetsacked, because they sure call it a lot.
Oh, and how about you, Danieal Manning? You lost your safety job because McGowan kicks your ass, and you're at most the fifth best corner on the team and that is REALLY pushing it. Thank you for getting burned within ONE SECOND of the snap against Greg Jennings. He's not that fast, asshole.
And let's wrap this up by blaming Lovie Smith for everything. You started Griese, you let Ron Turner call those damned plays, you start Muhsin and Berrian, you let the line play like shit, and YOU refuse to stop playing that damn cover two when it's obvious EVERYONE KNOWS that all you have to do to beat it is to throw quick slants and five yard in routes.
So that's who I'm blaming, that's who IS to blame, and that's who shouldn't be here next year. So what would I do to fix it, you ask? Well here you go, the Bears starting lineup as it should look in 2008:
QB: Kyle Orton, backup: Colt Brennan RB: Steve Slaton/Rashard Mendenhall FB: Jason McKie WR1: Mark Bradley WR2: Rashied Davis WR3: Devin Hester TE: Greg Olsen O-Line: DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT
DE1: Mark Anderson DE2: Adewale Ogunleye DT1: Tommie Harris DT2: Darwin Walker ROLB: Jamar Williams MLB: Who do you think? LOLB: Brendan Ayanbadejo CB1: Charles Tillman CB2: Ricky Manning Jr. FS: Brandon McGowan SS: Adam Archuletta
Offensive Coordinator: Mike Leach
You'll notice, Bears fans, that everything but the running back position can be remedied nowish. So... get to that, assholes.
-Iowa sucks. Actually, that's not entirely true. Their coach, quarterback, and secondary are the worst in the league NAY, the NCAA. The defense, line, rbs, and DJK are good. But seriously, we're going 2-10.
-Cincinnati will win the Big East, this is the truth. But USF is still a decent team, maybe (certainly) not the number 5 team, but still good.
-The SEC champion will have at least one conference loss and possibly two. Kentucky WILL beat LSU this weekend, that is undeniable truth, my friends. Taste it. It is delicous.
-Also, Illinois is the best team in the Big Ten. Really, they have no competition. And I'm going to be at the Illinois at Iowa game this Saturday. Christ save me.
-On to the NFL...
Power Rankings, week 5:
No movement here, much like their offenses: 32) Miami Dolphins 31) St. Louis Rams (ARGH! I'M GON BANG MY HEAD INTO A WALL!! OUCH!!!) 30) New Orleans Saints (Catch a pass? Why the fuck would we do that?)
Really, genuinely awful, but at least they got ONE win: 29) Atlanta Falcons 28) New York Jets 27) Kansas City Chiefs 26) Buffalo Bills 25) Minnesota Vikings
FUCK Cinicinnati: 24) Cincinnati Bengals (Cincinnati is the most racist town in America. Chad Johnson has never done anything but blame himself for his team's losses, which he did last week, yet now he's a "cancer"? Ocho Cinco has never hurt his team, not once, but apparently he's a cancer because he's 1) Black 2) A wide receiver who talks and 3) Yelling at his invalid quarterback. Fuck Cincinnati (the town))
Overrated! clap clap clapclapclap: 23) Denver Broncos 22) San Francisco 49ers 21) Philadelphia Eagles 20) Baltimore Ravens
Mediocrity is still just as tasty: 19) Cleveland Browns (Can't drop em too far, it was the Pats) 18) Carolina Panthers (And now they get Carr for the rest of the year? They're on the way down...) 17) Detroit Lions (And God said BACK TO EARTH WITH YE, and so they went)
This is so strange it's hard to type... 16) Oakland Raiders (all alone at the top of the West!) 15) Arizona Cardinals 14) Houston Texans
On the upswing (order is restored?) 13) Chicago Bears (much more on this later) 12) San Diego Chargers
Steadily getting better: 11) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 10) Jacksonville Jaguars 9) Washington Redskins 8) New York Giants
These guys will drop further next week... 7) Seattle Seahawks 6) Green Bay Packers
Damn fine: 5) Pittsburgh Steelers 4) Tennessee Titans (Yes he threw 3 picks. But he won. He's a winner and so are the Titans.)
Still unbeaten: 3) Indianapolis Colts 2) Dallas Cowboys
Results of Top 25 Games.. LSU 28, Florida 24 LSU beats Florida in a game that was closer than I thought it would be. Florida now has two conferences losses, making the remainder of its schedule all must wins in order to give them a shot at making it back to the SEC title game for what would most likely be a rematch against LSU. Can Florida do it? Will the Gators find a pass defense? Can I actually give in depth analysis of Florida beyond simply chanting TEBOW? The answer to all three questions is probably no.
Stanford 24, USC 23 Oh fucking come on. But really, I mean seriously. Stanford? Jim Harbaugh, you are a God. I'm sorry that my first ever use of the word shit was as a 5 year old Bears fan describing your play.
Ohio State 23, Purdue 7 Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What's that? Purdue is capable of only beating enough bad-to-mediocre teams to become second-tier bowl eligible? Ohio State wins in an efficient and boring manner? SHOCKING!
South Florida 35, Florida Atlantic 23 I'm still not down with this whole South Florida in the top ten thing. I don't suppose a win over Florida Atlantic counts for all that much, but sadly enough they clearly have become the class of the Big East. So, kudos.
Boston College 55, Bowling Green 24 I am wary of Boston College as well, but that may simply be a result of the general malaise caused by discussing anything related to ACC football, which continues to prove week in and week out, its just not worth a damn. It may also be that I sometimes find myself thinking that they're still coached by Tom O'Brien. But a few more victories like this and a few less showings like a sluggish 24-14 performance against Massachussetts, and I'll begin to show lukewarm enthusiasm towards this team's potential.
South Carolina 38, Kentucky 23 At this point we of Start Kyle Orton find ourselves confused about our feelings regarding this game. On the one hand, we love Steve Spurrier like he's that bastard father that never paid child support and really was rarely there for us except for a few flashy memories from our early years, but that we always hope will one day embrace us, on the other hand, this clearly dents our cause of Andre Woodson for Heisman. So we'll just label this a push.
Oklahoma 28, Texas 21 Anyone still really believe Colt McCoy is college football's next great quarterback? This game was a must-win for both teams, really, and Oklahoma came out on top, spearheading their charge toward a Big 12 South title that will have no effect on the national title race. Woo.
Tennessee 35, Georgia 14 Tennessee continues to show the maddening inconsistency of the last several years of the Fulmer era by coming out of nowhere to lay a pounding on a Georgia team, that, admittedly seemed a bit overrated. But, wow, look at the depth of the SEC! It's so shiny!
West Virginia 55, Syracause 14 West Virginia ANGRY! WEST VIRGINIA GRR!!!! WEST VIRGINIA WANT REMATCH SOUTH FLORIDA!!!
Virginia Tech 41, Clemson 22 Clemson, the Michigan State of the ACC, loses its second consecutive game, getting the ball rolling on their yearly second half decline and apperance in the Emerald Meineke MPC Hawaii Bowl.
Hawaii 52, Utah St. 37 Colt Brennan's already flagging Heisman campaign has most likely sunk into the depths of the Pacific with his second straight game of subpar numbers sandwiched around a missed start due to injury. Iggins! fully intends to console him with shirtless hugs deep into the night during the Heisman ceremony later in the year.
Missouri 41, Nebraska 6 Missouri might be a good team. Nebraska is not. Suck it, Bill Callahan.
Arizona State 23, Washington State 20 I'm getting tired of recapping games I clearly did not watch. I mean, I saw this game on Comcast, and I was like, oh, mid-tier Pac 10 football! Then I made a sandwich and watched a rerun of Chappelle's show that I've probably seen 14 times.
Cinncinnati 28, Rutgers 23 The million dollar question: would I prefer a Cinncinnati Big East Championship over a South Florida one? Yeah, probably. Because, well, before the season and throughout it I've adamantly declared South Florida overrrated. I've never really said a damn thing about Cinncinnati, so I suppose that would make me look less like a fool.
Kansas 30, Kansas State 24 The Mangino is pleased. For the second straight year Kansas State follows an upset win over Texas with a deflating loss to instate rival Kansas. Kansas is now 5-0 with four cupcake wins and this mildly impressive one. Stay tuned.
And....
ILLINOIS 31, Wisconsin 26 ILL INI! ILL INI! Illinois proves that like its intrepid coach its clearly been drinking its Powerthirst by upsetting #5 Wisconsin in Champaign. Some will argue that win isn't that impressive, as Wisconsin should not have been ranked as high as 5 to begin with. I argue that IT'S ENERGY FOR MEN! MENERGY!
Big Ten Unranked
Northwestern 48, Michigan State 41 Is anyone at all surprised that Michigan State followed its first loss of the year with another loss to a vastly inferior opponent? You, in the back? Yes, you. You say you were surprised? Well, you, my friend deserved to be raped.
Indiana 40, Minnesota 20 Indiana makes the surprising move to 5-1, with their only loss being to Team Power Thirst, surprising many, Minnesota continues to suck, surprising none.
Michigan 33, Eastern Michigan 22 An unimpressive win by Michigan over a mediocre MAC team. Michigan prolongs for another week my irrational fear of their possible Big Ten title run.
Penn State 27, OH LOOK! ANOTHER BOOTLEG 7 No comment. Iggins! has had enough for now
Code Red Rankings
1. LSU 2. Cal 3. Ohio State 4. Boston College* 5. South Florida* 6. South Carolina 7. West Virginia 8. Oklahoma 9. Oregon 10. Missouri (ranked here to satisfy Iggins! "but they beat Illinois!" bitching) 11. Florida 12. USC HAHAHA HAHAHA 13. Kentucky 14. Illinois 15. Virginia Tech 16. Cinncinnati 17. Hawaii 18. Arizona State 19. Kansas 20. Wisconsin 21. Auburn 22. Indiana 23. Texas 24. Tennessee 25. Florida State
*-Denotes my refusal to rank teams with loss over unbeaten teams from "big" conferences. I really am not convinced South Florida or BC are top ten teams.
This is the end Beautiful friend This is the end My only friend, the end Of our elaborate plans, the end Of everything that stands, the end No safety or surprise, the end I'll never look into your eyes...again Can you picture what will be So limitless and free Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand In a...desperate land Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain And all the children are insane All the children are insane Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
Hotel Room, Chicago, Illinois. Clothes and garbage strewn haphazardly all over the floor. Broken bottle of cheap vodka spills onto the floor. Code Red Sits up. He clearly hasn't shaved for days.
Code Red: Chicago, shit. I'm still only in Chicago. Every time I think I'm going to wake up back at school. When I was home after the playoffs in 2003, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing... I hardly said a word to my friends until the next season opener. When I was here I wanted to be there. When I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the playoffs. I've been here a week now. Waiting for a victory, getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room I get weaker. And every minute the Diamondbacks were on the field they got stronger. Each time I look around the walls move in a little tighter.
Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted the playoffs, and for my sins they gave me one series.. Brought it up to me like room service.. and died like the dogs they were.
*knock on the door* Voices outside: Code Red? Sir, are you the blogger Code Red?
Code Red: Whaddya want?
Voices outside: Sir, we have orders to escort you to Wrigley Field.
Code Red: Why? What did I do to have to go back there??
Door opens, Cubs intern walks in.
Intern: Nothing you did sir, but the Cubs gave you a token playoff appearance. They need you to do something for them now.
Cut to: Wrigley Field, Office of the General Manager
Code Red enters room. Sitting behind desk is Jim Hendry, Cubs general manager, frantically swallowing donuts whole.
Code Red: You..wanted to see me, sir?
Jim (talking with food stuffed in mouth): Yesh, we neesh you to do shomething.
Code Red: I am ready for duty, sir.
Jim: Are you aware of a Mr. Lou Piniella?
Code Red: Yes sir, I think we all are. Jim (to an intern): Play the tape, Scott. Listen carefully
Tape: 0230 Hours, Chicago, Following Cubs Loss to Diamondbacks in Game 3 of the NLDS
Jim: The voice on the recording has been confirmed to be Lou's.
Lou (on tape): I uh uh watched a uh uh Mark DeRosa uh you know ground into a double play on a 3-1 count with the uh bases uh loaded. That is my uh, you know, nightmare. To be so close..and to ground out..
Jim: He had the following to say about our team and its fans..
Lou (on tape): We must uh kill them. We must uh uh incinerate them. Old Style drinker after uh Old Style drinker, It's Gonna Happen t-shirt after It's Gonna Happen t-shirt, bar after uh bar, strike out after strike out. And they call me an asshole? What do you call it when the assholes accuse the uh asshole ? They lie.. they uh lie and we have to be merciful for those who lie. Those nabobs. I uh hate them. How I hate them.
Jim: We have reason to believe Lous has gone completely insane (stuffs donut into mouth, gulps it down). We need you to..terminate his skippership (guzzles chocolate sauce).
Code Red: Terminate...the skip?
Jim: Terminate with extreme prejudice (intern brings goat into office, Jim breaks neck open, drinks its blood, swallows its head whole).
Cut to: Streets of Wrigleyville. Code Red searches the streets for Lou. Is surrounded by angry Cub fans.
Code Red: Iggins!?
Iggins!: Why, man, why can't he just, you know, not swing at that damn curveball outside the zone man?
Code Red: What..are you talking about? Why are these people glaring at me?
Iggins!: Ramirez! The fucking fuck! Oh..and they think, man they think you're here to take him.
Code Red: Take who?
Iggins!: Sweet Lou, man! These are all his fans, man! Fuck Dusty Baker!
Code Red: Could, I talk to Sweet Lou?
Iggins!: Hey, man, you don't TALK to the skipper. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind! He's a player manager in the classic sense. I mean sometimes you'll say hello to him and he'll say "get me tequila, damnit!" And then you'll walk by him and he'll grab you by the arm and say "did you know Jacque Jones is a fucking Jackass?!" He..I'm a small man, man, but he, he's a great man..
Code Red shakes head and walks past him. He weaves through the crowd to make his way into a delapidated apartment building. He is ambushed by Cubs fans covered in blue body paint, knocked out, and taken upstairs.
A few hours later.. Code Red awakens in a dingy room. Lou sits, nearly naked, on a bar stool, hookers are passed out all around him.
Lou: Where are you from, uh, Code Red?
Code Red: Illinois, sir.
Lou: Where uh, whereabouts?
Code Red: The Quad Cities, sir.
Lou: How far are you from the uh, river?
Code Red: The Mississippi, sir? About 20 minutes.
Lou: I went to that, uh, river, when I was in the minors. Played in their, uh, stadium. It was uh, beautiful. Did they say uh, why, uh, they wanted you to..terminate my uh, management?
Code Red: They say you've gone insane, that your management is unsound.
Lou: Is my uh management unsound?
Code Red: I see no management...only Thai hookers.. and cheap whiskey.
Lou: Are you a Cubs fan?
Code Red: I'm a sports fan, sir.
Lou: You're, uh, neither. You're a sheep used by marketing executives to pay a bill.
Hours Later.. Code Red is locked in the basement. Iggins! enters.
Iggins!: Why, would a nice guy like you, want to kill the skipper?! You know he likes you, the man really likes you. He's got somethin in mind for you. After this is all over, what are they gonna say man? That he was a nice skipper? That he was a kind skipper? That's bullshit man! And who's gonna set em straight, man? it ain't gonna be me. It's gonna be you. (Iggins! leaves, fumbles through his pocket, accidentally drops basement door key).
Code Red: That guy really needs to get laid.(grabs key, unlocks basement door, creeps upstairs into Lou's room.)
Lou (talking to ESPN on phone): I've seen, uh, horrors. Horrors that you've seen! But you uh, you have no right to judge me. To call me a bad manager.. (turns, sees Code Red holding baseball bat he's picked up off floor, chugs an entire fifth of whiskey in one gulp. Nods approval to Code Red)
Code Red whallops Lou several times across the head, Lou collapses on the floor.
Lou: The uh, horror, the horror... Fuck Jacque Jones...(rolls over, dies)
Code Red drops bat, walks out into street. Sees Iggins! Points him to the Thai hookers Lou has left alone. Iggins! walks away with them.
